Rick Warren - Who's Pushing Your Buttons (Part 1)

January 26, 2025 | S25:E4

Pastor Rick shares biblical truth and practical tools for living the full life God desires for everyone.

Closed captions

Show Timecode
Rick Warren | Rick Warren - Who's Pushing Your Buttons (Part 1) | January 26, 2025
  • ...
  • 00:00:00.633 --> 00:00:01.317
  • ♪♪♪
  • 00:00:01.785 --> 00:00:11.661
  • ♪♪♪
  • 00:00:11.795 --> 00:00:20.170
  • Pastor rick warren: you know, one of the amazing things about
  • 00:00:22.005 --> 00:00:23.073
  • The crazymakers in your life is how quickly they can flip you
  • 00:00:25.775 --> 00:00:30.313
  • From being happy to angry.
  • 00:00:30.313 --> 00:00:32.916
  • Have you noticed this?
  • 00:00:32.916 --> 00:00:34.284
  • I mean, you could be going through a typical day and you
  • 00:00:34.284 --> 00:00:36.886
  • Actually are having a pretty good day.
  • 00:00:36.886 --> 00:00:38.655
  • You're in a good mood, the birds are singing, the flowers are
  • 00:00:38.655 --> 00:00:41.724
  • Blooming, you feel great, and then this crazymaker walks into
  • 00:00:41.724 --> 00:00:45.628
  • Your life, and in about 1.2 seconds, all of a sudden you're
  • 00:00:45.628 --> 00:00:49.232
  • Frustrated, mad, and upset.
  • 00:00:49.232 --> 00:00:52.302
  • They can flip you so fast, they know how to push your buttons.
  • 00:00:52.302 --> 00:00:58.074
  • So if we're gonna deal with healthy relationships, we gotta
  • 00:00:58.074 --> 00:01:00.043
  • Learn how to deal with anger, how it shows up, how to deal
  • 00:01:00.043 --> 00:01:03.980
  • With it in our own lives, and how to diffuse it in the lives
  • 00:01:03.980 --> 00:01:07.984
  • Of others, particularly the crazymakers who push
  • 00:01:07.984 --> 00:01:10.086
  • Your buttons.
  • 00:01:10.086 --> 00:01:11.454
  • Let me give you some facts about anger that i found out.
  • 00:01:11.454 --> 00:01:13.756
  • The average woman loses her temper three times a week, the
  • 00:01:13.756 --> 00:01:17.927
  • Average man six times a week.
  • 00:01:17.927 --> 00:01:21.264
  • Women get angry more often at people, men get angry more often
  • 00:01:21.264 --> 00:01:24.801
  • At things: computers, mechanical problems, things like that.
  • 00:01:24.801 --> 00:01:28.805
  • Women are more verbal with their anger, men are more physical
  • 00:01:28.805 --> 00:01:31.608
  • With their anger, we know that.
  • 00:01:31.608 --> 00:01:33.076
  • This is interesting, single adults express anger twice as
  • 00:01:33.076 --> 00:01:36.679
  • Often as married adults, i wouldn't have known that.
  • 00:01:36.679 --> 00:01:42.385
  • The place you're most likely to express anger is home.
  • 00:01:42.385 --> 00:01:46.456
  • Yeah right, because we get angry more often and more intensely at
  • 00:01:46.456 --> 00:01:49.859
  • Those we love than strangers.
  • 00:01:49.859 --> 00:01:51.361
  • That's obvious, the people who make you the most angry are
  • 00:01:51.361 --> 00:01:54.898
  • Those you love the most because they have the greatest potential
  • 00:01:54.898 --> 00:01:57.534
  • To hurt you, or to offend you, or to irritate you, or to
  • 00:01:57.534 --> 00:02:01.171
  • Frustrate you.
  • 00:02:01.171 --> 00:02:02.539
  • Dr. s.i. mcmillen has identified 51 illnesses that can be
  • 00:02:02.539 --> 00:02:08.211
  • Directly attributed or caused by anger, 51 illnesses.
  • 00:02:08.211 --> 00:02:14.417
  • In fact, proctologists now know that anger can literally create
  • 00:02:14.417 --> 00:02:17.787
  • A pain in the rear.
  • 00:02:17.787 --> 00:02:20.023
  • Now you've heard me say many times, "to dwell above with
  • 00:02:23.126 --> 00:02:26.329
  • Those we love, that will be a glory, but to dwell below with
  • 00:02:26.329 --> 00:02:30.366
  • Those we know, that's another story."
  • 00:02:30.366 --> 00:02:33.870
  • Because we all have crazymakers in our life.
  • 00:02:33.870 --> 00:02:36.439
  • Now, i want you to know that anger is not always an
  • 00:02:36.439 --> 00:02:40.310
  • Inappropriate response, it's not always wrong.
  • 00:02:40.310 --> 00:02:44.747
  • Uncontrolled anger is always wrong, but anger is not
  • 00:02:44.747 --> 00:02:47.717
  • Always wrong.
  • 00:02:47.717 --> 00:02:49.052
  • In fact, there are many situations where anger is the
  • 00:02:49.052 --> 00:02:50.753
  • Only appropriate response.
  • 00:02:50.753 --> 00:02:54.290
  • Actually, anger can be an evidence of love.
  • 00:02:54.290 --> 00:02:56.392
  • Somebody tries to hurt my kids or grandkids or my wife, i'm
  • 00:02:56.392 --> 00:02:59.229
  • Gonna get angry.
  • 00:02:59.229 --> 00:03:00.597
  • That's an appropriate response.
  • 00:03:00.597 --> 00:03:03.366
  • If i don't get angry, it means i don't love, i'm apathetic.
  • 00:03:03.366 --> 00:03:07.804
  • And there are some things that you ought to get angry about.
  • 00:03:07.804 --> 00:03:10.273
  • I get angry about injustice in the world, i get angry about
  • 00:03:10.273 --> 00:03:14.277
  • Greed in the world, i get angry about racism in the world, and
  • 00:03:14.277 --> 00:03:19.349
  • You ought to too.
  • 00:03:19.349 --> 00:03:20.683
  • I get angry when people go to bed at night hungry while others
  • 00:03:20.683 --> 00:03:23.419
  • Have more than they could possibly--they feed their dog
  • 00:03:23.419 --> 00:03:26.756
  • Better than people are being fed today.
  • 00:03:26.756 --> 00:03:30.526
  • When people are raped, when people are abused, that ought to
  • 00:03:30.526 --> 00:03:32.895
  • Make you angry.
  • 00:03:32.895 --> 00:03:34.597
  • Anger is an evidence of love.
  • 00:03:34.597 --> 00:03:36.232
  • In fact, the only reason you are able to get angry is because you
  • 00:03:36.232 --> 00:03:40.003
  • Were made in god's image, and the bible says, "god
  • 00:03:40.003 --> 00:03:43.273
  • Gets angry."
  • 00:03:43.273 --> 00:03:44.607
  • God has emotions too, you know.
  • 00:03:44.607 --> 00:03:45.942
  • That's why you're an emotional person.
  • 00:03:45.942 --> 00:03:47.944
  • In fact, 375 times in the bible, it says, "god got angry" or
  • 00:03:47.944 --> 00:03:53.049
  • "jesus got angry," "the holy spirit got angry."
  • 00:03:53.049 --> 00:03:55.118
  • There are some things that are definitely wrong and you ought
  • 00:03:55.118 --> 00:03:57.954
  • To be angry about them.
  • 00:03:57.954 --> 00:03:59.322
  • There's a righteous anger, there's an unrighteous.
  • 00:03:59.322 --> 00:04:01.824
  • There's a right way and a wrong way.
  • 00:04:01.824 --> 00:04:03.326
  • There's an appropriate way, there's an inappropriate way.
  • 00:04:03.326 --> 00:04:05.862
  • In ephesians 4:26, in the bible, it says, "when you get angry, do
  • 00:04:05.862 --> 00:04:12.201
  • Not sin."
  • 00:04:12.201 --> 00:04:13.536
  • Which obviously implies there's a way to get angry and not sin,
  • 00:04:13.536 --> 00:04:17.407
  • That not all anger is sin.
  • 00:04:17.407 --> 00:04:20.109
  • Selfish anger is sinful, self-centered anger is sinful,
  • 00:04:20.109 --> 00:04:26.115
  • Uncontrolled anger is sinful.
  • 00:04:26.115 --> 00:04:29.319
  • But the bible says anger is sometimes an
  • 00:04:29.319 --> 00:04:31.187
  • Appropriate response.
  • 00:04:31.187 --> 00:04:33.256
  • Sometimes it's helpful, but most of the time in our lives
  • 00:04:33.256 --> 00:04:36.326
  • It's harmful.
  • 00:04:36.326 --> 00:04:37.694
  • Let me show you a few verses out of the book of proverbs.
  • 00:04:37.694 --> 00:04:39.796
  • Proverbs 25:28 says this.
  • 00:04:39.796 --> 00:04:44.167
  • "if you cannot control your anger
  • 00:04:44.167 --> 00:04:47.804
  • You are as helpless as a city without walls, open to attack."
  • 00:04:47.804 --> 00:04:55.044
  • You are defenseless, people will manipulate your life.
  • 00:04:55.044 --> 00:04:58.614
  • Do you realize that when you say, "you make me so mad," you
  • 00:04:58.614 --> 00:05:02.185
  • Are admitting, at that point, those people are controlling
  • 00:05:02.185 --> 00:05:04.654
  • Your life.
  • 00:05:04.654 --> 00:05:06.322
  • You are admitting that they are stronger than you, that you
  • 00:05:06.322 --> 00:05:08.825
  • Are weak.
  • 00:05:08.825 --> 00:05:10.159
  • When you say, "you make me," in other words, "you have an
  • 00:05:10.159 --> 00:05:13.730
  • Ability to control my emotions."
  • 00:05:13.730 --> 00:05:16.599
  • That's what you're admitting.
  • 00:05:16.599 --> 00:05:17.967
  • You are defenseless, "you are without a wall, open to attack."
  • 00:05:17.967 --> 00:05:22.638
  • Proverbs 12, verse 16 says this.
  • 00:05:22.638 --> 00:05:25.608
  • "a fool is quick-tempered," that
  • 00:05:25.608 --> 00:05:29.078
  • Anytime i got--i'm a hair trigger temper, i'm a fool, i'm
  • 00:05:29.078 --> 00:05:32.181
  • Foolish, "but a wise person stays calm when insulted."
  • 00:05:32.181 --> 00:05:38.154
  • It's wise to just let it roll off your back.
  • 00:05:38.154 --> 00:05:41.624
  • "a wise person stays calm when insulted."
  • 00:05:41.624 --> 00:05:43.192
  • Proverbs 16:32, "it's better to be patient than powerful; it's
  • 00:05:43.192 --> 00:05:49.665
  • Better to have self-control than to conquer a city."
  • 00:05:49.665 --> 00:05:53.403
  • In other words, it's more important to be in control of
  • 00:05:53.403 --> 00:05:56.205
  • Your own emotions than to be the president of the united states
  • 00:05:56.205 --> 00:05:58.574
  • Or an outstanding entrepreneur.
  • 00:05:58.574 --> 00:06:01.911
  • Now, the fact is, anger is a learned response, you learned it
  • 00:06:01.911 --> 00:06:06.582
  • From other people.
  • 00:06:06.582 --> 00:06:07.950
  • Maybe bad examples, but you learned it from others.
  • 00:06:07.950 --> 00:06:11.487
  • You learned it from television, you learned it from movies, you
  • 00:06:11.487 --> 00:06:14.257
  • Learned it from your parents, from other people in your life.
  • 00:06:14.257 --> 00:06:18.327
  • And the good news is that, since it's learned, it can be
  • 00:06:18.327 --> 00:06:21.097
  • Unlearned, and you can learn appropriate ways to deal with
  • 00:06:21.097 --> 00:06:25.635
  • Your anger.
  • 00:06:25.635 --> 00:06:27.003
  • Now, what i want us to do this week--and it's two things.
  • 00:06:27.003 --> 00:06:29.739
  • First, i want you to understand the different ways that anger
  • 00:06:29.739 --> 00:06:32.842
  • Shows up, because it's not all just volcano mount vesuvius.
  • 00:06:32.842 --> 00:06:36.312
  • There are lots of different ways that anger shows up.
  • 00:06:36.312 --> 00:06:38.514
  • Not all of you are exploders, but you still have
  • 00:06:38.514 --> 00:06:41.451
  • Anger problems.
  • 00:06:41.451 --> 00:06:43.686
  • So there's different ways.
  • 00:06:43.686 --> 00:06:45.054
  • We're gonna look at that, and i want you to be able to identify
  • 00:06:45.054 --> 00:06:47.423
  • Them and what the bible says about it.
  • 00:06:47.423 --> 00:06:49.292
  • And then i want to share with you some biblical principles on
  • 00:06:49.292 --> 00:06:52.528
  • How you diffuse the angry crazymakers in your life and how
  • 00:06:52.528 --> 00:06:58.134
  • You disarm them.
  • 00:06:58.134 --> 00:06:59.735
  • Now the bible identifies four different ways that we express
  • 00:06:59.735 --> 00:07:04.273
  • Anger, and i want you to be aware of these so i've given
  • 00:07:04.273 --> 00:07:07.877
  • Them some kind of modern day names.
  • 00:07:07.877 --> 00:07:09.579
  • I want you to write these down if you're taking notes.
  • 00:07:09.579 --> 00:07:12.215
  • The first category of the way people express anger is what i
  • 00:07:12.215 --> 00:07:15.651
  • Call "the machine guns."
  • 00:07:15.651 --> 00:07:18.287
  • And "the machine guns" are people who--they just let you
  • 00:07:18.287 --> 00:07:21.691
  • Have it.
  • 00:07:21.691 --> 00:07:23.025
  • You know, they just mow you down.
  • 00:07:23.025 --> 00:07:25.261
  • There's no doubt that they're mad.
  • 00:07:25.261 --> 00:07:27.029
  • They're very expressive, they cuss, they yell, they throw
  • 00:07:27.029 --> 00:07:30.967
  • Things, they hit, they let it fly.
  • 00:07:30.967 --> 00:07:34.070
  • These people are the exploders, the mount vesuvius.
  • 00:07:34.070 --> 00:07:36.772
  • They're like the walking time bomb, and when you pull the
  • 00:07:36.772 --> 00:07:41.010
  • Hairpin trigger on the grenade, it goes off.
  • 00:07:41.010 --> 00:07:45.114
  • This is very obvious, this kind is the most obvious.
  • 00:07:45.114 --> 00:07:48.017
  • It just kind of, "blaah," explodes all over you.
  • 00:07:48.017 --> 00:07:51.521
  • Some of you are old enough to remember ohio state football
  • 00:07:51.521 --> 00:07:54.223
  • Coach woody hayes.
  • 00:07:54.223 --> 00:07:56.359
  • He had the machine gun type of anger.
  • 00:07:56.359 --> 00:07:59.495
  • In fact, he had a great career as a football coach, but he had
  • 00:07:59.495 --> 00:08:03.866
  • A known temper problem.
  • 00:08:03.866 --> 00:08:05.501
  • And one day in the gator bowl when a clemson opponent caught a
  • 00:08:05.501 --> 00:08:10.573
  • Interception, he got so mad he walked out onto the field and
  • 00:08:10.573 --> 00:08:14.377
  • Slugged the kid and immediately resigned.
  • 00:08:14.377 --> 00:08:18.047
  • It ended his career right there, one moment of anger ended
  • 00:08:18.047 --> 00:08:21.918
  • His career.
  • 00:08:21.918 --> 00:08:23.352
  • Now, these kind of people are in the paper all the time.
  • 00:08:23.352 --> 00:08:26.589
  • They are the machine guns, they just let 'er rip, they let
  • 00:08:26.589 --> 00:08:29.125
  • It fly.
  • 00:08:29.125 --> 00:08:30.459
  • Now, in the bible, an example of this first kind of anger, the
  • 00:08:30.459 --> 00:08:33.129
  • Exploder, would be cain.
  • 00:08:33.129 --> 00:08:36.232
  • Cain and abel were the sons of adam and eve, and cain committed
  • 00:08:36.232 --> 00:08:40.503
  • The first murder out of anger in genesis 4, verses 5 and 8.
  • 00:08:40.503 --> 00:08:43.839
  • It says this.
  • 00:08:43.839 --> 00:08:45.174
  • "cain became furious and he scowled in anger.
  • 00:08:45.174 --> 00:08:50.313
  • And while they were in the field, cain attacked his
  • 00:08:50.313 --> 00:08:54.684
  • Brother abel, and killed him."
  • 00:08:54.684 --> 00:08:56.852
  • Circle the word "attacked."
  • 00:08:56.852 --> 00:08:58.287
  • This is the response of the first form of anger.
  • 00:08:58.287 --> 00:09:02.091
  • It's the attacker, the machine guns.
  • 00:09:02.091 --> 00:09:04.961
  • Now this response is so obvious, the people who have this type of
  • 00:09:04.961 --> 00:09:08.965
  • Anger immediately regret it.
  • 00:09:08.965 --> 00:09:11.267
  • They regret the things they've said, they regret the things
  • 00:09:11.267 --> 00:09:13.269
  • They've done, and they're often embarrassed, ashamed, they
  • 00:09:13.269 --> 00:09:15.237
  • Want to apologize.
  • 00:09:15.237 --> 00:09:16.806
  • But that's not the only kind of anger.
  • 00:09:16.806 --> 00:09:19.542
  • The second kind of anger, besides the machine gun, is what
  • 00:09:19.542 --> 00:09:22.778
  • I call "the mutes."
  • 00:09:22.778 --> 00:09:25.815
  • Now, the mutes are the exact opposite.
  • 00:09:25.815 --> 00:09:28.884
  • They don't blow up, they clam up.
  • 00:09:28.884 --> 00:09:32.388
  • And mutes don't get violent, they get silent.
  • 00:09:32.388 --> 00:09:36.659
  • And they hold it in, and they live in denial, and they
  • 00:09:36.659 --> 00:09:40.730
  • Masquerade, and they pretend, and they always refuse to admit
  • 00:09:40.730 --> 00:09:45.134
  • It when they're angry.
  • 00:09:45.134 --> 00:09:46.469
  • "i can see you're angry, honey."
  • 00:09:46.469 --> 00:09:47.803
  • "no, i'm not." "yes, you are."
  • 00:09:47.803 --> 00:09:49.138
  • "no, i'm not." "you're angry."
  • 00:09:49.138 --> 00:09:50.473
  • "i am not angry." "yeah, you are."
  • 00:09:50.473 --> 00:09:52.708
  • It's real obvious, you're angry, but you're holding it in.
  • 00:09:52.708 --> 00:09:55.478
  • You're holding--now, this is not the exploding kind of anger.
  • 00:09:55.478 --> 00:09:58.514
  • This is what i call "crockpot anger."
  • 00:09:58.514 --> 00:10:02.551
  • It stews and it simmers and it's a slow burn, okay?
  • 00:10:02.551 --> 00:10:08.491
  • They don't just kind of spiritually vomit over you, but
  • 00:10:08.491 --> 00:10:11.360
  • They burn and it's a slow burn.
  • 00:10:11.360 --> 00:10:14.530
  • And the mutes swallow their anger.
  • 00:10:14.530 --> 00:10:17.967
  • Now here's the problem, every time you swallow your anger,
  • 00:10:17.967 --> 00:10:21.270
  • Your stomach keeps score.
  • 00:10:21.270 --> 00:10:24.073
  • If you don't talk it out, you're gonna take it out on your body.
  • 00:10:24.073 --> 00:10:29.245
  • And so people who are the mutes, who hold in all of their anger,
  • 00:10:29.245 --> 00:10:33.382
  • They get the high blood pressure, they get the chronic
  • 00:10:33.382 --> 00:10:36.218
  • Pain, they get the tension headaches, they get the ulcers,
  • 00:10:36.218 --> 00:10:40.423
  • And all these other anger-related effects to
  • 00:10:40.423 --> 00:10:45.594
  • Our body.
  • 00:10:45.594 --> 00:10:46.929
  • Good example of a mute would be the prophet jeremiah in
  • 00:10:46.929 --> 00:10:50.399
  • The bible.
  • 00:10:50.399 --> 00:10:51.734
  • The bible calls him "the weeping prophet" because he cried a lot.
  • 00:10:51.734 --> 00:10:54.303
  • He held in his anger, he was so ticked off at what was happening
  • 00:10:54.303 --> 00:10:58.574
  • In society around him, but he didn't explode.
  • 00:10:58.574 --> 00:11:01.210
  • He wasn't a machine gun, but he was one of these guys who held
  • 00:11:01.210 --> 00:11:04.947
  • It in.
  • 00:11:04.947 --> 00:11:06.315
  • In jeremiah 15 it says this.
  • 00:11:06.315 --> 00:11:08.551
  • "i stayed by myself," that's typical of a mute, "i stayed by
  • 00:11:08.551 --> 00:11:13.456
  • Myself and was filled with anger."
  • 00:11:13.456 --> 00:11:16.959
  • In other words, i'm just being silent, i'm holding it all in.
  • 00:11:16.959 --> 00:11:19.061
  • And then he asked, "why do i keep on suffering?
  • 00:11:19.061 --> 00:11:23.632
  • Why are my wounds incurable?"
  • 00:11:23.632 --> 00:11:26.569
  • I've got these terminal problems.
  • 00:11:26.569 --> 00:11:28.871
  • "why won't they heal?"
  • 00:11:28.871 --> 00:11:30.239
  • 'cause you're holding it in.
  • 00:11:30.239 --> 00:11:32.908
  • Are you holding on to unexpressed anger?
  • 00:11:32.908 --> 00:11:36.145
  • When people say "that burns me up," well, literally, it does.
  • 00:11:36.145 --> 00:11:41.917
  • Holding onto anger in your body--your body wasn't meant to
  • 00:11:41.917 --> 00:11:45.354
  • Hold onto anger.
  • 00:11:45.354 --> 00:11:46.722
  • And it's like taking fire, it's like swallowing poison.
  • 00:11:46.722 --> 00:11:49.725
  • ♪♪♪
  • 00:11:49.725 --> 00:12:02.705
  • Announcer: one of the most popular bible study resources
  • 00:12:06.876 --> 00:12:09.578
  • Here at "daily hope" are the bible scripture cards, and
  • 00:12:09.578 --> 00:12:13.682
  • Because so many people ask for them, pastor rick has developed
  • 00:12:13.682 --> 00:12:16.919
  • A special set of 52 cards with verses selected specifically to
  • 00:12:16.919 --> 00:12:21.290
  • Help you develop relationships that are life-giving and filled
  • 00:12:21.290 --> 00:12:25.494
  • With joy and purpose.
  • 00:12:25.494 --> 00:12:28.230
  • These stunning eye-catching cards will help you memorize the
  • 00:12:28.230 --> 00:12:31.433
  • Word of god so you have it when you need it most, something you
  • 00:12:31.433 --> 00:12:35.671
  • Hear pastor rick talking about all the time.
  • 00:12:35.671 --> 00:12:39.542
  • Today when you support "pastor rick's daily hope" with a gift
  • 00:12:39.542 --> 00:12:42.645
  • To help share the hope of jesus christ with people around the
  • 00:12:42.645 --> 00:12:46.415
  • World, we'll send you the relationship scripture cards to
  • 00:12:46.415 --> 00:12:49.752
  • Say thanks for your financial support of this ministry.
  • 00:12:49.752 --> 00:12:52.955
  • ♪♪♪
  • 00:12:52.955 --> 00:13:01.730
  • Pastor rick: now the third kind of anger response, and many of
  • 00:13:01.730 --> 00:13:04.733
  • You are this, is "the martyrs."
  • 00:13:04.733 --> 00:13:08.137
  • And the martyrs are pros at holding pity parties, and they
  • 00:13:08.137 --> 00:13:12.908
  • Announce a pity party and invite themselves to it.
  • 00:13:12.908 --> 00:13:17.513
  • And martyrs are always passive, and they tend to punish
  • 00:13:17.513 --> 00:13:21.083
  • Themselves, and when a crazymaker comes into their
  • 00:13:21.083 --> 00:13:24.286
  • Life, they don't think, "my mom's crazy," they think,
  • 00:13:24.286 --> 00:13:27.289
  • "what's wrong with me?
  • 00:13:27.289 --> 00:13:29.859
  • What's wrong with me? what did i do wrong?
  • 00:13:29.859 --> 00:13:33.229
  • It must all be my fault."
  • 00:13:33.229 --> 00:13:36.131
  • And if you walk around saying, "i should, i must, i have to, i
  • 00:13:36.131 --> 00:13:39.635
  • Ought," and you're always shooting yourself, then you're
  • 00:13:39.635 --> 00:13:44.640
  • Gonna be a martyr because you're going to blame yourself.
  • 00:13:44.640 --> 00:13:47.943
  • Maybe you just got a crazy coworker, and it's not really
  • 00:13:47.943 --> 00:13:52.081
  • You, it's just they're crazy, or a crazy relative, and they're a
  • 00:13:52.081 --> 00:13:57.286
  • Crazymaker, but you blame yourself.
  • 00:13:57.286 --> 00:13:58.954
  • You are the martyr.
  • 00:13:58.954 --> 00:14:00.756
  • Now, the number one sign that you have the martyr approach to
  • 00:14:00.756 --> 00:14:04.760
  • Anger is depression.
  • 00:14:04.760 --> 00:14:08.931
  • Depression is caused by many different things, but one of the
  • 00:14:08.931 --> 00:14:12.334
  • Primary causes of depression is frozen anger.
  • 00:14:12.334 --> 00:14:18.040
  • When you hold onto anger and you let it freeze in your life, and
  • 00:14:18.040 --> 00:14:22.211
  • You make yourself a martyr, you're going to get depressed.
  • 00:14:22.211 --> 00:14:26.348
  • I know this from personal experience.
  • 00:14:26.348 --> 00:14:30.019
  • Many of you don't know that when i was 21 years old, i was
  • 00:14:30.019 --> 00:14:33.956
  • Hospitalized for depression.
  • 00:14:33.956 --> 00:14:38.394
  • And i had no idea why i was depressed, i had only been
  • 00:14:38.394 --> 00:14:41.263
  • Married about four or five months, and i remember laying
  • 00:14:41.263 --> 00:14:46.535
  • In the hospital and they sent a psychiatrist in to see me and
  • 00:14:46.535 --> 00:14:49.571
  • I'm thinking, "i don't need a psychiatrist, i'm a
  • 00:14:49.571 --> 00:14:51.407
  • Youth pastor."
  • 00:14:51.407 --> 00:14:53.075
  • The psychiatrist looks at me and he says, "so what are you
  • 00:14:53.075 --> 00:14:56.011
  • Angry about?"
  • 00:14:56.011 --> 00:14:57.813
  • I said, "i'm not angry."
  • 00:14:57.813 --> 00:14:59.181
  • He said, "yeah, you are."
  • 00:14:59.181 --> 00:15:00.516
  • I said, "no, no, i'm depressed."
  • 00:15:00.516 --> 00:15:01.884
  • He said, "depression is frozen anger.
  • 00:15:01.884 --> 00:15:04.987
  • What are you angry about?"
  • 00:15:04.987 --> 00:15:07.056
  • What i was angry about was our marriage, because kay and i
  • 00:15:07.056 --> 00:15:11.126
  • Started fighting from day one.
  • 00:15:11.126 --> 00:15:13.495
  • We started fighting on the honeymoon, we just did not
  • 00:15:13.495 --> 00:15:15.931
  • Get along.
  • 00:15:15.931 --> 00:15:17.266
  • Now, we've been married 38 years, 36 happy years.
  • 00:15:17.266 --> 00:15:25.274
  • But the first two were hell on earth, okay, and we did not
  • 00:15:25.274 --> 00:15:29.378
  • Get along.
  • 00:15:29.378 --> 00:15:30.746
  • And within about six months, we were both so disappointed in
  • 00:15:30.746 --> 00:15:33.716
  • Our marriage, kay thought she was having a nervous breakdown,
  • 00:15:33.716 --> 00:15:36.552
  • And i ended up in the hospital with depression.
  • 00:15:36.552 --> 00:15:40.756
  • And i didn't know how to let it out and i just thought, as a
  • 00:15:40.756 --> 00:15:43.258
  • Pastor, i can't express--a youth pastor, how angry i am at
  • 00:15:43.258 --> 00:15:47.229
  • My new bride.
  • 00:15:47.229 --> 00:15:48.931
  • And i was just swallowing it and i was being the martyr.
  • 00:15:48.931 --> 00:15:53.202
  • Now that's maybe what's eating you up, but the martyrs do this.
  • 00:15:53.202 --> 00:15:57.006
  • Now a good example of the martyr in the bible would be
  • 00:15:57.006 --> 00:16:00.209
  • The older brother in the story of the prodigal son.
  • 00:16:00.209 --> 00:16:04.346
  • Remember, this man has two sons and one of them says, "dad, i
  • 00:16:04.346 --> 00:16:08.584
  • Want my half of the inheritance," and he goes off
  • 00:16:08.584 --> 00:16:10.652
  • And he wastes it on wine, women, and song, blows it all, wastes
  • 00:16:10.652 --> 00:16:14.323
  • Half the family inheritance, comes back home a total mess,
  • 00:16:14.323 --> 00:16:18.560
  • And the dad throws a party for him.
  • 00:16:18.560 --> 00:16:21.430
  • And unconditional love welcomes him back, and the older brother
  • 00:16:21.430 --> 00:16:24.800
  • Gets ticked off, he says, "wait a minute, i'm the
  • 00:16:24.800 --> 00:16:26.201
  • Good boy.
  • 00:16:26.201 --> 00:16:27.536
  • I have--you've never thrown a party for me.
  • 00:16:27.536 --> 00:16:29.471
  • And i've been here all along, and i didn't go off and blow
  • 00:16:29.471 --> 00:16:31.707
  • Half the family inheritance."
  • 00:16:31.707 --> 00:16:33.042
  • And he gets mad and he becomes a martyr and in luke 15:28, "the
  • 00:16:33.042 --> 00:16:38.113
  • Elder brother was so angry he would not go in (to the party).
  • 00:16:38.113 --> 00:16:44.720
  • So his father went out and pleaded with him."
  • 00:16:44.720 --> 00:16:49.158
  • You got anybody like this in your family?
  • 00:16:49.158 --> 00:16:51.927
  • They have to be coaxed, they have to be pleaded with, they
  • 00:16:51.927 --> 00:16:54.830
  • Have to be pampered, they make everybody else miserable.
  • 00:16:54.830 --> 00:16:59.001
  • If they're not happy, they don't want anybody else happy, they
  • 00:16:59.001 --> 00:17:01.236
  • Ruin all the family parties.
  • 00:17:01.236 --> 00:17:03.672
  • They're martyrs, they're martyrs.
  • 00:17:03.672 --> 00:17:06.108
  • And that's just as wrong as the machine gun person.
  • 00:17:06.108 --> 00:17:10.679
  • Now the fourth kind of anger is what i call "the
  • 00:17:10.679 --> 00:17:13.649
  • Manipulators," the manipulators.
  • 00:17:13.649 --> 00:17:16.985
  • And the motto of the manipulators is, "don't get mad,
  • 00:17:16.985 --> 00:17:20.089
  • Get even."
  • 00:17:20.089 --> 00:17:21.757
  • And a lot of movies and a lot of tv shows are built on this
  • 00:17:21.757 --> 00:17:25.260
  • Category of anger.
  • 00:17:25.260 --> 00:17:27.062
  • Now manipulators will never tell you to your face they're angry
  • 00:17:27.062 --> 00:17:31.133
  • With you, but they're gonna do it subtly, they're gonna do it
  • 00:17:31.133 --> 00:17:35.104
  • Slyly, they're gonna do it sarcastically, they're indirect
  • 00:17:35.104 --> 00:17:38.373
  • With jibes and cuts.
  • 00:17:38.373 --> 00:17:40.843
  • And they do things to sabotage you, and they do things to make
  • 00:17:40.843 --> 00:17:44.780
  • You look bad, but you never can catch them on it.
  • 00:17:44.780 --> 00:17:48.617
  • And they never will flat out own up to the fact that they're
  • 00:17:48.617 --> 00:17:51.620
  • Seething with anger.
  • 00:17:51.620 --> 00:17:53.355
  • And when they do say something to you that's hurtful or
  • 00:17:53.355 --> 00:17:56.258
  • Something, and mean, and you actually call them on it, they
  • 00:17:56.258 --> 00:17:58.861
  • Say, "can't you take a joke?"
  • 00:17:58.861 --> 00:18:01.964
  • They're not joking, they're a crazymaker, that's a crazymaker.
  • 00:18:01.964 --> 00:18:07.269
  • It is a manipulator that says, "can't you take a joke?"
  • 00:18:07.269 --> 00:18:10.439
  • Now religious people can be really good at this one because
  • 00:18:10.439 --> 00:18:15.177
  • They couch all of their anger in spiritual terms.
  • 00:18:15.177 --> 00:18:18.113
  • "i was grieved in my spirit."
  • 00:18:18.113 --> 00:18:20.616
  • What's that mean?
  • 00:18:20.616 --> 00:18:21.950
  • It means i was ticked off.
  • 00:18:21.950 --> 00:18:23.285
  • Just say it, i was ticked off.
  • 00:18:23.285 --> 00:18:25.120
  • And i don't wanna--now, in the south, in the bible belt, you
  • 00:18:25.120 --> 00:18:28.957
  • Can do almost any mean thing to another person as long as you
  • 00:18:28.957 --> 00:18:31.927
  • Say, "well, bless your heart."
  • 00:18:31.927 --> 00:18:33.328
  • That covers them.
  • 00:18:36.298 --> 00:18:37.666
  • What does, "well, bless your heart" mean?
  • 00:18:37.666 --> 00:18:39.401
  • Nothing, it means nothing.
  • 00:18:39.401 --> 00:18:41.870
  • And so they can stab you in the back and say, "well, bless
  • 00:18:41.870 --> 00:18:44.640
  • Your heart."
  • 00:18:44.640 --> 00:18:45.974
  • They're manipulators.
  • 00:18:45.974 --> 00:18:47.609
  • Now, an example of this in the bible would be the pharisees,
  • 00:18:47.609 --> 00:18:50.846
  • The religious leaders.
  • 00:18:50.846 --> 00:18:52.181
  • Luke 6, verse 10, they were so ticked off at jesus, 'cause
  • 00:18:52.181 --> 00:18:55.918
  • Jesus was popular and they weren't.
  • 00:18:55.918 --> 00:18:58.353
  • And it says in verse 11, "they were furious and began to plot,"
  • 00:18:58.353 --> 00:19:03.892
  • Circle that, they're manipulators, "they began to
  • 00:19:03.892 --> 00:19:06.161
  • Plot," they're gonna get even, "began to plot with each other
  • 00:19:06.161 --> 00:19:09.565
  • What they might do to jesus."
  • 00:19:09.565 --> 00:19:12.067
  • Now, all four of these ways, whether you are a machine gun or
  • 00:19:12.067 --> 00:19:16.572
  • You're a martyr or you're a manipulator or you're a mute,
  • 00:19:16.572 --> 00:19:20.209
  • You learned how to get angry that way.
  • 00:19:20.209 --> 00:19:23.545
  • And it's not very helpful, none of those ways are actually
  • 00:19:23.545 --> 00:19:26.281
  • Helpful at all, and you can unlearn them.
  • 00:19:26.281 --> 00:19:29.685
  • Now, what i wanna do today is spend most of our time on "how
  • 00:19:29.685 --> 00:19:33.288
  • Do you disarm the person who uses these against you?"
  • 00:19:33.288 --> 00:19:38.060
  • How do you deal with the crazymakers who push
  • 00:19:38.060 --> 00:19:40.963
  • Your buttons?
  • 00:19:40.963 --> 00:19:42.598
  • How do you deal with your own anger and not get angry back,
  • 00:19:42.598 --> 00:19:46.001
  • And how do you deal with their anger at you when they won't
  • 00:19:46.001 --> 00:19:48.837
  • Come out and admit that they're angry?
  • 00:19:48.837 --> 00:19:51.440
  • What do you do in disarming button pushers?
  • 00:19:51.440 --> 00:19:54.376
  • Well, the bible teaches us four or five really good practical
  • 00:19:54.376 --> 00:19:57.813
  • Things, and they're all in the book of proverbs.
  • 00:19:57.813 --> 00:19:59.948
  • Here they are, number one, the first thing the book of
  • 00:19:59.948 --> 00:20:01.984
  • Proverbs teaches us, and it says it over and over and over again
  • 00:20:01.984 --> 00:20:04.853
  • Is this, "calculate the cost of anger."
  • 00:20:04.853 --> 00:20:11.126
  • Before you allow yourself to get mad back, you calculate what
  • 00:20:11.126 --> 00:20:15.197
  • You're gonna lose, calculate the cost of anger.
  • 00:20:15.197 --> 00:20:18.433
  • You're less likely to get angry when somebody's pushing your
  • 00:20:18.433 --> 00:20:21.803
  • Buttons if you realize there's always a price tag to me getting
  • 00:20:21.803 --> 00:20:25.841
  • Angry back.
  • 00:20:25.841 --> 00:20:27.542
  • The bible is very, very specific about uncontrolled anger.
  • 00:20:27.542 --> 00:20:30.946
  • Let me show you some verses out of proverbs.
  • 00:20:30.946 --> 00:20:33.448
  • Proverbs 29:22, "an angry person causes trouble," circle that,
  • 00:20:33.448 --> 00:20:39.054
  • "causes trouble."
  • 00:20:39.054 --> 00:20:40.422
  • "and a person with a quick temper sins a lot," circle that.
  • 00:20:40.422 --> 00:20:45.027
  • You're gonna get in trouble more often and you're gonna sin more
  • 00:20:45.027 --> 00:20:47.863
  • Often if you get angry, so don't do it.
  • 00:20:47.863 --> 00:20:51.033
  • On the back of your outline, proverbs 15:18, "hot tempers
  • 00:20:51.033 --> 00:20:55.437
  • Cause," what?
  • 00:20:55.437 --> 00:20:57.105
  • "arguments."
  • 00:20:57.105 --> 00:20:58.473
  • Circle that, you don't want to get in arguments.
  • 00:20:58.473 --> 00:20:59.875
  • And when you get angry, what is--first, one way, pushing
  • 00:20:59.875 --> 00:21:04.680
  • Buttons is gonna become an argument.
  • 00:21:04.680 --> 00:21:06.815
  • Proverbs 14:29, "anger causes mistakes."
  • 00:21:06.815 --> 00:21:10.385
  • Circle that.
  • 00:21:10.385 --> 00:21:12.154
  • Proverbs 14:27, "people with hot tempers do foolish things."
  • 00:21:12.154 --> 00:21:16.625
  • Circle that.
  • 00:21:16.625 --> 00:21:17.959
  • So, if i get angry, here's the cost.
  • 00:21:17.959 --> 00:21:19.995
  • I'm gonna get in trouble, i'm gonna sin, i'm gonna cause
  • 00:21:19.995 --> 00:21:23.532
  • Arguments, i'm gonna make mistakes, and i'm gonna do
  • 00:21:23.532 --> 00:21:25.500
  • Foolish things.
  • 00:21:25.500 --> 00:21:26.868
  • Do i want to get angry when you're pushing my buttons?
  • 00:21:26.868 --> 00:21:28.770
  • Absolutely not, it's foolish.
  • 00:21:28.770 --> 00:21:32.607
  • I want you to write this down.
  • 00:21:32.607 --> 00:21:34.643
  • "i always lose when i lose my temper."
  • 00:21:34.643 --> 00:21:38.246
  • Write that down, i always lose when i lose my temper.
  • 00:21:38.246 --> 00:21:44.252
  • Now you can lose your respect, you can lose the respect of
  • 00:21:44.252 --> 00:21:48.023
  • Others, you can lose the love of your family, you could lose your
  • 00:21:48.023 --> 00:21:51.893
  • Job by losing your temper, you can lose your health by stuffing
  • 00:21:51.893 --> 00:21:55.597
  • It down.
  • 00:21:55.597 --> 00:21:57.532
  • Now, you may be a parent, or you may be a coach of a little
  • 00:21:57.532 --> 00:22:01.536
  • League team, or you may be a supervisor at work, or you may
  • 00:22:01.536 --> 00:22:06.274
  • Have some way that you will be tempted to use anger to motivate
  • 00:22:06.274 --> 00:22:10.912
  • People to do the right thing.
  • 00:22:10.912 --> 00:22:13.548
  • Don't, don't, don't do it.
  • 00:22:13.548 --> 00:22:17.052
  • Because in the short run, you may motivate people, "if you
  • 00:22:17.052 --> 00:22:20.589
  • Don't do this, i'm going to--" and you make a threat.
  • 00:22:20.589 --> 00:22:23.892
  • And in the short run, you may get, you know, the short-term
  • 00:22:23.892 --> 00:22:27.229
  • Payoff, but in the long run, anger always produces more
  • 00:22:27.229 --> 00:22:31.133
  • Anger, more apathy, and more alienation.
  • 00:22:31.133 --> 00:22:35.170
  • How many kids have become alienated from their dads or
  • 00:22:35.170 --> 00:22:39.608
  • Their moms because of anger out of control?
  • 00:22:39.608 --> 00:22:44.012
  • How many people have been alienated from a boyfriend, a
  • 00:22:44.012 --> 00:22:47.382
  • Girlfriend, a husband, a wife, or a friend, because somebody
  • 00:22:47.382 --> 00:22:50.519
  • Lost their cool?
  • 00:22:50.519 --> 00:22:53.121
  • Anger destroys relationships faster than anything else.
  • 00:22:53.121 --> 00:22:58.960
  • So, before--when somebody starts pushing your buttons,
  • 00:22:58.960 --> 00:23:01.763
  • And they're pushing your buttons, and they're pushing
  • 00:23:01.763 --> 00:23:03.899
  • Your buttons, before you retaliate, before you get angry
  • 00:23:03.899 --> 00:23:08.170
  • Back, you just realize, "do i really wanna do this?
  • 00:23:08.170 --> 00:23:10.772
  • Do i wanna make mistakes? do i wanna sin more?
  • 00:23:10.772 --> 00:23:12.707
  • Do i wanna act foolish? do i wanna lose?
  • 00:23:12.707 --> 00:23:15.310
  • Do i wanna cause arguments? do i wanna do foolish things?"
  • 00:23:15.310 --> 00:23:18.180
  • No, i don't, i don't. proverbs 14:29 says this.
  • 00:23:18.180 --> 00:23:24.853
  • "those who control their anger have great understanding," you
  • 00:23:24.853 --> 00:23:29.524
  • Have great understanding, "those with a hasty temper
  • 00:23:29.524 --> 00:23:33.094
  • Make mistakes."
  • 00:23:33.094 --> 00:23:34.763
  • So number one is "calculate the cost of anger."
  • 00:23:34.763 --> 00:23:37.299
  • When somebody starts pushing my buttons, i remind myself, "i do
  • 00:23:37.299 --> 00:23:40.168
  • Not want to get angry back."
  • 00:23:40.168 --> 00:23:41.703
  • Number two, "look past their words to their pain."
  • 00:23:41.703 --> 00:23:47.342
  • Now i mentioned this last week, i know that, and i'm coming back
  • 00:23:47.342 --> 00:23:50.145
  • Intentionally to mention it again, 'cause it's one of
  • 00:23:50.145 --> 00:23:52.581
  • The keys.
  • 00:23:52.581 --> 00:23:53.915
  • By the way, if you missed last week's message on the six ways
  • 00:23:53.915 --> 00:23:56.818
  • To be wise in relationships, you need to go and get that
  • 00:23:56.818 --> 00:23:59.154
  • Message and listen to it.
  • 00:23:59.154 --> 00:24:00.489
  • But you look past their words to their pain.
  • 00:24:00.489 --> 00:24:04.392
  • You don't respond to what they're saying, you look at why
  • 00:24:04.392 --> 00:24:07.662
  • They're saying what they're saying.
  • 00:24:07.662 --> 00:24:09.397
  • Proverbs 19, verse 11, "a man's wisdom gives him patience; it
  • 00:24:09.397 --> 00:24:16.438
  • Is to his glory," to his credit, "to overlook an offense."
  • 00:24:16.438 --> 00:24:22.544
  • See, you're wise if you don't listen to the words but you look
  • 00:24:22.544 --> 00:24:25.914
  • At the pain behind the words.
  • 00:24:25.914 --> 00:24:27.749
  • A man's wisdom gives us patience.
  • 00:24:27.749 --> 00:24:30.285
  • And i said this many times, "hurt people hurt people."
  • 00:24:30.285 --> 00:24:35.657
  • When somebody's hurting you, it's because they've been hurt
  • 00:24:35.657 --> 00:24:38.693
  • And they are still hurting.
  • 00:24:38.693 --> 00:24:41.496
  • Unkind people are people who've never felt kindness.
  • 00:24:41.496 --> 00:24:46.301
  • Unloving people are people who feel unloved.
  • 00:24:46.301 --> 00:24:50.739
  • When somebody is rude, bitter, unkind, sarcastic,
  • 00:24:50.739 --> 00:24:56.811
  • Mean-spirited, arrogant, attacking, they are shouting
  • 00:24:56.811 --> 00:25:01.917
  • With all of their behaviors, "i need massive doses of love.
  • 00:25:01.917 --> 00:25:07.455
  • I do not feel loved, i do not feel secure."
  • 00:25:07.455 --> 00:25:12.294
  • Because secure, loved, people don't act that way.
  • 00:25:12.294 --> 00:25:16.298
  • They're not rude, they're not judgmental, they're not unkind,
  • 00:25:16.298 --> 00:25:20.835
  • They're not attacking.
  • 00:25:20.835 --> 00:25:22.203
  • The person who feels deeply loved and deeply secure is
  • 00:25:22.203 --> 00:25:26.508
  • Generous and gracious to other people.
  • 00:25:26.508 --> 00:25:28.944
  • When somebody is mean and cranky, they are telegraphing in
  • 00:25:28.944 --> 00:25:34.115
  • As loud terms as possible, "i am in pain!"
  • 00:25:34.115 --> 00:25:40.488
  • And what they need is not what they deserve.
  • 00:25:40.488 --> 00:25:45.293
  • Now, you have to decide, "am i gonna overcome evil with good or
  • 00:25:45.293 --> 00:25:49.698
  • Am i gonna just retaliate on their level?"
  • 00:25:49.698 --> 00:25:52.200
  • ♪♪♪
  • 00:25:52.200 --> 00:26:03.011
  • Announcer: one of the most popular bible study resources
  • 00:26:07.182 --> 00:26:09.884
  • Here at "daily hope" are the bible scripture cards.
  • 00:26:09.884 --> 00:26:13.521
  • And because so many people ask for them, pastor rick has
  • 00:26:13.521 --> 00:26:16.825
  • Developed a special set of 52 cards with verses selected
  • 00:26:16.825 --> 00:26:20.929
  • Specifically to help you develop relationships that are
  • 00:26:20.929 --> 00:26:23.798
  • Life-giving and filled with joy and purpose.
  • 00:26:23.798 --> 00:26:28.570
  • These stunning, eye-catching cards will help you memorize the
  • 00:26:28.570 --> 00:26:31.740
  • Word of god so you have it when you need it most, something you
  • 00:26:31.740 --> 00:26:35.977
  • Hear pastor rick talking about all the time.
  • 00:26:35.977 --> 00:26:39.848
  • Today when you support "pastor rick's daily hope" with a gift
  • 00:26:39.848 --> 00:26:42.951
  • To help share the hope of jesus christ with people around the
  • 00:26:42.951 --> 00:26:46.721
  • World, we'll send you the relationship scripture cards to
  • 00:26:46.721 --> 00:26:50.058
  • Say thanks for your financial support of this ministry.
  • 00:26:50.058 --> 00:26:53.328
  • ♪♪♪
  • 00:26:53.328 --> 00:26:58.833
  • ♪♪♪
  • 00:26:58.833 --> 00:26:58.833