Shared Control (Traditional Roles) | TBN

Shared Control (Traditional Roles)

Watch Shared Control (Traditional Roles)
April 2, 2017
27:30

Strengths Based Marriage with Jimmy Evans & Allan Kelsey

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Shared Control (Traditional Roles)

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  • - Since the beginning of time,
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  • marriage has been the foundation of society,
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  • and one of the secrets of success in marriage is
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  • you don't have to marry the perfect person
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  • who's just like you.
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  • - Yeah, you see, God has created each of us
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  • with a unique set of strengths that,
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  • when celebrated rather than stifled,
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  • can unlock the true potential of your marriage.
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  • In Strengths Based Marriage, we've drawn
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  • from more than 50 years
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  • of research from the Gallup Institute,
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  • combined with over 35 years of experience
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  • in marriage counseling to develop
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  • an incredibly exciting resource
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  • that can literally revolutionize your relationship
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  • and prepare you for a lifetime of passion and intimacy,
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  • and we can't wait to share it with you.
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  • - That's right.
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  • When you learn to recognize and focus on
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  • the strengths of your spouse,
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  • you'll be able to celebrate what's right about them,
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  • and value their God-given differences, not resent them.
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  • So join us on this journey to explore
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  • how implementing a strengths-based marriage
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  • can bring you closer together
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  • than ever before with your spouse.
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  • (uplifting electronic music)
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  • - [Voiceover] Dr. Donald O. Clifton
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  • was a forerunner in positive psychology.
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  • Through his research, he identified
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  • 34 universal strengths that exist within each individual.
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  • Working with Gallup, he developed
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  • the Strengths Finder Assessment,
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  • which reveals how our unique order of strengths
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  • affect the way we engage with the world around us,
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  • influencing our thoughts, feelings, and behavior.
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  • Thousands of businesses, teams, and churches
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  • have harnessed this strengths-based approach
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  • to interacting, resulting in stronger relationships
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  • and greater performance.
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  • So what happens when you apply these same ideas
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  • to your own personal relationships,
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  • or even your marriage?
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  • On this journey, you will discover
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  • how to thrive in your strengths,
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  • recognize the positive traits in your partner,
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  • and develop your own strengths-based marriage.
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  • - One of the things that makes people feel insecure
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  • about marriage is just feeling as though
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  • that it's not reliable.
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  • You know, if 50% of airplanes taking off were crashing,
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  • you'd be nervous about flying,
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  • so a lot of young people today
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  • are very nervous about marriage.
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  • A lot of people are nervous about marriage,
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  • and they see it as being unreliable for a lucky few,
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  • but generally they see it as being
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  • potentially very painful and harmful.
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  • So our society today, less than half
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  • of adult Americans are married.
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  • In 1930, 83% of adult Americans were married.
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  • Let me say a couple of things.
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  • First of all, God created marriage,
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  • and second is, God never makes anything to fail
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  • or to harm us.
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  • What's happening today in marriage
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  • is happening simply because we're doing it wrong.
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  • We have left the standards of God's word,
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  • and we're kind of coming up with our own ideas
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  • of what's right and wrong, and they're not working.
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  • That's the reason marriage doesn't work.
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  • But I want to take you back to the beginning.
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  • When God created marriage, he created four laws
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  • that hold marriage, that literally
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  • are the foundation of marriage.
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  • These are inviolable laws that are true for all generations,
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  • and we know that because, when God created marriage,
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  • he said, "For this cause, a man will leave
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  • "his father and mother, he'll cleave unto his wife.
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  • "The two shall become one flesh."
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  • And then it says, "The man and his wife
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  • "were both naked and unashamed."
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  • Those are the four foundational laws of marriage.
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  • You say, "Well, why do we know
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  • "that that's for everyone and not just Adam and Eve?"
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  • It says, "For this cause, a man will leave
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  • his father and mother,"
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  • and Adam and Eve didn't have a mother.
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  • God created Adam and Eve directly.
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  • They were the only two people on the planet
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  • without a bellybutton.
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  • They did not have a mother, they only had God,
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  • so when God was speaking that,
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  • we know he wasn't just speaking it to them.
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  • But there are four laws of marriage,
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  • they're absolute laws of marriage,
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  • and I want to talk about one of them specifically.
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  • The first law is the law of priority.
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  • For this cause, a man will leave his father and his mother.
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  • It means your mother and father used to be
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  • the most important relationship you have.
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  • Now it's marriage.
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  • Marriage only works in first place, in real terms.
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  • Before children, before friends, before work,
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  • before parents, before anything else,
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  • marriage has to be first.
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  • It says a man will leave his father and mother,
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  • cleave unto his wife.
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  • The word "cleave" is energy.
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  • It means like running up a mountain.
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  • It means to pursue with all your energy.
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  • Marriage is work, you have to work at it.
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  • You fall in love because you pursue each other.
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  • You fall out of love because
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  • you take each other for granted and get lazy.
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  • This is what happened to my wife and I
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  • when we first got married, and we almost divorced.
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  • I was lazy, I took her for granted,
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  • but marriage works when you work at it.
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  • Even if you've fallen out of love,
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  • you can fall way back into love
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  • by just beginning to work at it again
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  • and pursuing each other.
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  • The third law of marriage is called the law of possession.
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  • They two shall become one flesh.
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  • Now, what this means is, marriage is something
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  • to be shared as equals.
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  • No one controls the other person,
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  • and no one tries to keep away something they have
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  • from their spouse, and what this means is,
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  • everything I have is now yours.
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  • Everything I had when I was single
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  • that I owned and administrated individually,
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  • now we do together.
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  • We're a very selfish society,
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  • and so one of the reasons that we're failing in marriage is,
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  • our society, it's 'cause we're so selfish.
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  • But marriage requires cooperation and equality.
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  • We share everything.
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  • The fourth law is called the law of purity.
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  • It says the man and his wife were naked without shame.
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  • They had unbelievable intimacy and trust
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  • until sin entered the relationship.
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  • As soon as sin entered the relationship,
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  • they hid themselves with fig leaves,
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  • and they lost all intimacy and trust of one another.
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  • So I want you to know that
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  • God creates laws to create safety.
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  • Marriage is a 100% reliable relationship
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  • when you do it God's way.
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  • There are laws, priority, pursuit, possession, purity.
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  • Those laws will protect your relationship
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  • for the rest of your married lives
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  • and make it successful and stable.
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  • You don't have to become a statistic,
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  • and you don't need to mistrust marriage.
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  • Marriage is wonderful.
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  • In fact, you have a 100% chance of success in marriage
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  • when you do it God's way.
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  • Let me go back to the third law for just a minute
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  • and talk about this one.
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  • It's called the law of possession,
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  • they two shall become one.
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  • The number one way that that law is violated
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  • is by dominance, is one spouse trying to dominate the other,
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  • and by the way, being dominant is gender-neutral.
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  • There are as many dominant women as there are dominant men.
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  • Research has proven that the number one thing,
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  • except for God, that makes for a successful marriage
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  • is shared control, is being willing
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  • to be influenced by each other.
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  • That's the number one thing that research has proven
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  • creates a marriage of trust and good will,
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  • but dominance in the relationship destroys
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  • the trust and good will in the relationship.
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  • It never works, so I've done seminars all over the world,
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  • marriage seminars, and I've asked this question
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  • face to face to hundreds of thousands of people
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  • all over the world.
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  • In fact, it's two questions.
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  • When I talk about this issue, I ask people two questions,
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  • and I ask them to raise their hands
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  • if they identify with this.
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  • Here's my first question.
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  • How many of you were raised in homes
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  • where one of your parents was clearly
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  • dominant over the other parent?
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  • Immediately, in every seminar I've done all over the world,
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  • 70 to 80% of hands go up.
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  • They immediately say, "Yeah,
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  • "one of my parents was dominant."
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  • That's how common it is.
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  • Here's my second question.
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  • For those of you who just raised your hands,
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  • how many of you believe that that dominance
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  • in one of your parents had a negative impact
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  • on their relationship, and on the family?
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  • Immediately, every hand goes straight back up.
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  • I've done this all over the world.
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  • So here's what this means.
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  • Most of us were raised in a home
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  • where we were watching one parent dominate the other,
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  • and it damaged us.
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  • So if you're a young boy and you're watching
  • 00:08:17.200 --> 00:08:20.060
  • your father dominate your mother,
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  • you may begin to think, "Hey, that's normal.
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  • "Men dominate women."
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  • If you're a young girl and you're watching
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  • your mother dominate your father, you may say,
  • 00:08:27.120 --> 00:08:29.050
  • "Well, that's normal, women dominate men."
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  • If you're a little boy, and you're watching
  • 00:08:31.230 --> 00:08:33.070
  • your mother dominate your father, you may say to yourself,
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  • "I'll never let a woman treat me like that.
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  • "I hate that."
  • 00:08:37.240 --> 00:08:39.010
  • Same with girls, they may see their father
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  • disrespecting their mother and dominating her,
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  • and they swear to themselves in an inner vow,
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  • "I'll never let a man do that to me."
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  • Either way, you're damaged.
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  • You're set up for damage.
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  • Human beings are the only animal on earth
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  • that are designed not to dominate.
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  • When you go into the wild kingdom of the animal world,
  • 00:08:57.220 --> 00:09:01.140
  • in virtually every animal species,
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  • there's an alpha male, or an alpha female.
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  • Someone is dominating among those animals
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  • because they're animals,
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  • but it's not designed that way among humans.
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  • The only way that marriage works
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  • is cooperation and shared control.
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  • My wife and I got married.
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  • I was dominant.
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  • I have the stronger personality.
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  • Again, this is gender-neutral.
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  • What happens was, is that I had a disproportionate control
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  • What happens was, is that I had a disproportionate control
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  • of our decision making.
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  • It was my way or the highway,
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  • and when I didn't get my way, I punished her.
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  • She didn't feel like she had a voice.
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  • What it means to be dominant is,
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  • in the corporation of your marriage,
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  • you have more stock than your spouse.
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  • If you look down into a dollhouse
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  • and you see all the rooms, your room is the biggest room.
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  • In marriage, both spouses should have
  • 00:09:52.150 --> 00:09:55.000
  • exactly the same amount of stock
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  • and exactly the same size rooms within that house.
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  • It's shared control.
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  • My wife and I had a terrible marriage.
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  • I was dominant, and I changed.
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  • God changed me, on the brink of divorce,
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  • so I wasn't smart, we just almost lost our marriage,
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  • and the Lord began to speak to me,
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  • and I began to respect my wife.
  • 00:10:16.270 --> 00:10:18.220
  • Here's what I mean by "respect my wife."
  • 00:10:18.220 --> 00:10:20.210
  • I said to her, "I will not make a decision without you,
  • 00:10:20.210 --> 00:10:24.260
  • "and I will not punish you if you disagree with me."
  • 00:10:26.100 --> 00:10:29.030
  • See, one of the reasons that some marriages
  • 00:10:29.030 --> 00:10:32.270
  • lose their trust and intimacy is,
  • 00:10:32.270 --> 00:10:35.190
  • I really don't have the right to disagree.
  • 00:10:35.190 --> 00:10:38.210
  • I know, if I disagree or say how I feel,
  • 00:10:38.210 --> 00:10:41.100
  • I'm gonna be punished.
  • 00:10:41.100 --> 00:10:42.250
  • One of the most important things we do in marriage
  • 00:10:42.250 --> 00:10:45.110
  • is to say to our spouse,
  • 00:10:45.110 --> 00:10:47.100
  • "I want you to tell me how you feel,
  • 00:10:47.100 --> 00:10:49.050
  • "and I promise you won't lose your dignity,
  • 00:10:49.050 --> 00:10:51.240
  • "and I won't punish you for it.
  • 00:10:51.240 --> 00:10:53.160
  • "I want you to be honest."
  • 00:10:53.160 --> 00:10:55.130
  • This is how trust and intimacy is built.
  • 00:10:55.130 --> 00:10:58.260
  • When my wife and I first got married,
  • 00:10:58.260 --> 00:11:02.180
  • we made decisions, typically, by what I wanted to do,
  • 00:11:02.180 --> 00:11:06.180
  • or there was a price to be paid.
  • 00:11:06.180 --> 00:11:09.250
  • I know a lot of women are like this.
  • 00:11:09.250 --> 00:11:11.200
  • They're dominant.
  • 00:11:11.200 --> 00:11:13.200
  • When mama ain't happy, nobody's happy,
  • 00:11:13.200 --> 00:11:15.290
  • so the whole job of the whole family
  • 00:11:15.290 --> 00:11:17.090
  • is to make mama happy.
  • 00:11:17.090 --> 00:11:18.160
  • That's what's called dominance and control.
  • 00:11:18.160 --> 00:11:21.200
  • To have intimacy, and good will, and shared control
  • 00:11:21.200 --> 00:11:24.070
  • in the relationship, it means we make
  • 00:11:24.070 --> 00:11:26.090
  • all of our decisions together.
  • 00:11:26.090 --> 00:11:28.260
  • I will say to Karen sometimes,
  • 00:11:28.260 --> 00:11:30.030
  • "Karen, what do you think about this?"
  • 00:11:30.030 --> 00:11:31.100
  • She'll say, "Just go ahead and do it."
  • 00:11:31.100 --> 00:11:32.180
  • I'm talking about an important decision.
  • 00:11:32.180 --> 00:11:34.030
  • I'll say, "No, I won't.
  • 00:11:34.030 --> 00:11:35.250
  • "I will not do this without you.
  • 00:11:35.250 --> 00:11:38.010
  • "I want to know that you're 100% in agreement,
  • 00:11:38.010 --> 00:11:40.040
  • "and if there's anything you're thinking or feeling,
  • 00:11:40.040 --> 00:11:42.210
  • "that you have the opportunity to say it
  • 00:11:42.210 --> 00:11:44.000
  • "knowing you will not pay a price,
  • 00:11:44.000 --> 00:11:46.020
  • "you will not pay a price."
  • 00:11:46.020 --> 00:11:47.190
  • That breathes such unbelievable
  • 00:11:47.190 --> 00:11:50.160
  • good will into the relationship.
  • 00:11:50.160 --> 00:11:53.040
  • You go to the strengths,
  • 00:11:53.040 --> 00:11:54.260
  • like my strength is achiever, Karen's is empathy,
  • 00:11:54.260 --> 00:11:58.210
  • well, naturally, I would have more dominance
  • 00:11:58.210 --> 00:12:02.020
  • in getting things done.
  • 00:12:02.020 --> 00:12:03.190
  • I'm like Allan, I want to get it done,
  • 00:12:03.190 --> 00:12:05.270
  • and that creates a strength in itself,
  • 00:12:05.270 --> 00:12:08.060
  • and opinion within itself.
  • 00:12:08.060 --> 00:12:10.000
  • Karen is empathy, which means she just loves loving people,
  • 00:12:10.000 --> 00:12:13.030
  • so she's not as strong in her opinion,
  • 00:12:13.030 --> 00:12:16.080
  • but her opinion's just as important.
  • 00:12:16.080 --> 00:12:18.220
  • When you have a marriage that one person
  • 00:12:18.220 --> 00:12:22.020
  • is stronger than the other,
  • 00:12:22.020 --> 00:12:24.130
  • and you have one person who's overly submissive in a bad way
  • 00:12:24.130 --> 00:12:27.130
  • and one person who's dominant, the healing of the marriage
  • 00:12:27.130 --> 00:12:30.040
  • comes as the dominant person sits down
  • 00:12:30.040 --> 00:12:34.010
  • and the other person stands up,
  • 00:12:34.010 --> 00:12:36.080
  • and you're looking at each other face to face,
  • 00:12:36.080 --> 00:12:38.210
  • and you're sharing the control
  • 00:12:38.210 --> 00:12:40.030
  • of the relationship as God intended.
  • 00:12:40.030 --> 00:12:42.150
  • This is a law now, this isn't a principle,
  • 00:12:42.150 --> 00:12:45.090
  • or a rule that may be true here and not over there,
  • 00:12:45.090 --> 00:12:48.170
  • may be true for one person, not the other.
  • 00:12:48.170 --> 00:12:50.230
  • This is an inviolable law of marriage
  • 00:12:50.230 --> 00:12:54.150
  • that they two shall become one.
  • 00:12:54.150 --> 00:12:57.170
  • They're equals.
  • 00:12:58.150 --> 00:13:00.080
  • The husband cherishes and nourishes his wife.
  • 00:13:00.080 --> 00:13:03.200
  • The wife respects her husband,
  • 00:13:03.200 --> 00:13:06.010
  • and all of their decisions are made together
  • 00:13:06.010 --> 00:13:08.280
  • under God's authority, and I'm telling you,
  • 00:13:08.280 --> 00:13:11.060
  • it's a game-changer.
  • 00:13:11.060 --> 00:13:12.140
  • When you share control in your relationship,
  • 00:13:12.140 --> 00:13:14.230
  • and you respect each other,
  • 00:13:14.230 --> 00:13:16.010
  • your marriage is gonna go to the next level.
  • 00:13:16.010 --> 00:13:19.050
  • - [Voiceover] TBN wants you (electronic music)
  • 00:13:19.050 --> 00:13:20.110
  • to discover the truth and principles
  • 00:13:20.110 --> 00:13:21.230
  • found in Strengths Based Marriage,
  • 00:13:21.230 --> 00:13:23.240
  • and you will begin to see your relationship
  • 00:13:23.240 --> 00:13:25.100
  • with your spouse in a whole new way.
  • 00:13:25.100 --> 00:13:27.230
  • Call or go online to request this powerful collection today
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  • with your gift of $120 or more,
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  • and as our thank you for supporting TBN,
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  • we will rush these incredible resources to you today.
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  • Call 800-626-7454,
  • 00:13:39.180 --> 00:13:43.110
  • or visit tbn.org/strongmarriage.
  • 00:13:43.110 --> 00:13:47.010
  • - If you're just tuning in,
  • 00:13:50.080 --> 00:13:51.170
  • welcome to Strengths Based Marriage.
  • 00:13:51.170 --> 00:13:53.230
  • We have a guest couple with us today.
  • 00:13:53.230 --> 00:13:55.170
  • Let's have a look at how their strengths
  • 00:13:55.170 --> 00:13:57.190
  • influence their marriage.
  • 00:13:57.190 --> 00:13:59.290
  • - [Narrator] Today's couple is Fedrick and Jaclyn Bowe
  • 00:13:59.290 --> 00:14:02.130
  • from Dallas, Texas.
  • 00:14:02.130 --> 00:14:04.000
  • Fedrick's top five strengths are restorative,
  • 00:14:04.000 --> 00:14:06.210
  • futuristic, strategic, responsibility, and positivity.
  • 00:14:06.210 --> 00:14:10.250
  • Jaclyn's top five strengths are positivity,
  • 00:14:12.050 --> 00:14:13.210
  • arranger, input, connectedness, and relator.
  • 00:14:13.210 --> 00:14:17.110
  • - It's great to have you with us today.
  • 00:14:18.160 --> 00:14:19.290
  • I've been so looking forward to introducing you
  • 00:14:19.290 --> 00:14:22.000
  • to our guests today.
  • 00:14:22.000 --> 00:14:23.070
  • Fedrick, Jaclyn, thank you so much
  • 00:14:23.070 --> 00:14:24.280
  • for joining us on the show.
  • 00:14:24.280 --> 00:14:26.140
  • - Thank you, thank you.
  • 00:14:26.140 --> 00:14:27.240
  • - Can you tell us a little bit about you,
  • 00:14:27.240 --> 00:14:29.090
  • and what you do, and how long you've been married?
  • 00:14:29.090 --> 00:14:31.210
  • - All right. - Yeah.
  • 00:14:31.210 --> 00:14:32.270
  • Well, I am your assistant.
  • 00:14:32.270 --> 00:14:35.090
  • - That's right, you are.
  • 00:14:35.090 --> 00:14:37.090
  • - So I work at Gateway Church in Southlake, Texas,
  • 00:14:37.090 --> 00:14:40.200
  • and my husband ...
  • 00:14:40.200 --> 00:14:42.180
  • - I work for Tim Ross at Embassy City Church,
  • 00:14:42.180 --> 00:14:45.120
  • and just do a lot of different things.
  • 00:14:45.120 --> 00:14:48.120
  • Just call me a Swiss Army knife, I guess,
  • 00:14:48.120 --> 00:14:49.240
  • whatever that means.
  • 00:14:49.240 --> 00:14:50.290
  • - You guys got married recently, right?
  • 00:14:50.290 --> 00:14:52.090
  • How long have you been married?
  • 00:14:52.090 --> 00:14:53.170
  • - We did, one year and three months.
  • 00:14:53.170 --> 00:14:55.270
  • - I should know that, 'cause I performed the ceremony.
  • 00:14:55.270 --> 00:14:57.190
  • - Oh, yeah, yeah, you were there.
  • 00:14:57.190 --> 00:14:59.140
  • - There's no getting around that.
  • 00:14:59.140 --> 00:15:01.150
  • We got some inside trader information
  • 00:15:01.150 --> 00:15:03.050
  • going on over here, so that's good,
  • 00:15:03.050 --> 00:15:05.110
  • but listen, the reason we're here today
  • 00:15:05.110 --> 00:15:07.060
  • is to talk about your strengths,
  • 00:15:07.060 --> 00:15:08.130
  • and how they relate to each other,
  • 00:15:08.130 --> 00:15:10.140
  • particularly in the context of marriage.
  • 00:15:10.140 --> 00:15:13.110
  • I thought we'd just start with you, Jaclyn.
  • 00:15:13.110 --> 00:15:15.140
  • Ladies first, that's the way it's gotta be, right?
  • 00:15:15.140 --> 00:15:16.250
  • - [Jaclyn] Okay, here we go.
  • 00:15:16.250 --> 00:15:18.080
  • - For the sake of the viewing audience,
  • 00:15:18.080 --> 00:15:19.270
  • I just want to run through, really fast,
  • 00:15:19.270 --> 00:15:21.270
  • what your strengths are.
  • 00:15:21.270 --> 00:15:23.250
  • You lead off with positivity, number one,
  • 00:15:23.250 --> 00:15:26.060
  • which means that you need for the glass to be half full,
  • 00:15:26.060 --> 00:15:28.270
  • it's kind of how you roll, you see it that way.
  • 00:15:28.270 --> 00:15:32.000
  • Then number two is arranger,
  • 00:15:32.000 --> 00:15:33.110
  • which means you have a natural sense,
  • 00:15:33.110 --> 00:15:35.050
  • an inborn sense of how the pieces are gonna fit together,
  • 00:15:35.050 --> 00:15:38.120
  • and the right way for that to happen,
  • 00:15:38.120 --> 00:15:40.150
  • particularly for the best outcome
  • 00:15:40.150 --> 00:15:42.170
  • if there's people involved in that gathering.
  • 00:15:42.170 --> 00:15:46.050
  • Then input is number three, which means
  • 00:15:46.050 --> 00:15:48.130
  • you have a curiosity, but it's not a very broad curiosity,
  • 00:15:48.130 --> 00:15:51.220
  • it's kind of in a lane of things.
  • 00:15:51.220 --> 00:15:54.080
  • I'm gonna be interested to find out
  • 00:15:54.080 --> 00:15:55.180
  • what your lane is in a minute,
  • 00:15:55.180 --> 00:15:57.040
  • so I'll come back to that in a minute.
  • 00:15:57.040 --> 00:15:59.110
  • Then you have connectedness, which means
  • 00:15:59.110 --> 00:16:01.140
  • that you can very intuitively and comfortably
  • 00:16:01.140 --> 00:16:04.100
  • weave a story between all these random facts
  • 00:16:04.100 --> 00:16:07.020
  • because, for you, they all make sense.
  • 00:16:07.020 --> 00:16:08.200
  • They're all connected in some way.
  • 00:16:08.200 --> 00:16:10.270
  • Then the last is relator.
  • 00:16:10.270 --> 00:16:12.090
  • Obviously, you're wonderful with relationships,
  • 00:16:12.090 --> 00:16:14.120
  • you value relationships, and you like
  • 00:16:14.120 --> 00:16:16.150
  • that one-on-one communication.
  • 00:16:16.150 --> 00:16:19.100
  • Fedrick, in hearing her strengths,
  • 00:16:19.100 --> 00:16:23.050
  • when you first got to know her,
  • 00:16:24.010 --> 00:16:25.210
  • now that you've gotten to know your strengths,
  • 00:16:25.210 --> 00:16:27.160
  • do you recognize that it was a strength, maybe,
  • 00:16:27.160 --> 00:16:30.040
  • that you were first lured to in her.
  • 00:16:30.040 --> 00:16:33.280
  • - I think, probably, I think the strength
  • 00:16:33.280 --> 00:16:36.040
  • that lured me the most was
  • 00:16:36.040 --> 00:16:37.100
  • probably her number one, positivity.
  • 00:16:37.100 --> 00:16:40.080
  • Probably because I think I too share that,
  • 00:16:41.250 --> 00:16:44.290
  • so as a positive person, you gravitate
  • 00:16:44.290 --> 00:16:49.040
  • to other positive people 'cause, you know,
  • 00:16:50.070 --> 00:16:52.000
  • you want to take the bright side of the situation
  • 00:16:52.000 --> 00:16:54.290
  • regardless of what it is, so I think
  • 00:16:54.290 --> 00:16:56.150
  • that was all over, in her smile, and just her laugh,
  • 00:16:56.150 --> 00:16:59.130
  • and I could just tell she was really positive
  • 00:16:59.130 --> 00:17:01.030
  • and just wanted to, you know?
  • 00:17:01.030 --> 00:17:03.070
  • Who's that?
  • 00:17:03.070 --> 00:17:04.020
  • I want to be around her.
  • 00:17:04.020 --> 00:17:05.220
  • - You know, it strikes me, it's a reminder of this phrase,
  • 00:17:05.220 --> 00:17:09.040
  • "Well, it takes one to know one."
  • 00:17:09.040 --> 00:17:11.050
  • Because you are positive, and so you would
  • 00:17:11.050 --> 00:17:13.130
  • interpret the positivity out of her smile
  • 00:17:13.130 --> 00:17:15.220
  • and out of her laugh, whereas I might just hear it
  • 00:17:15.220 --> 00:17:17.270
  • and go, "That's good."
  • 00:17:17.270 --> 00:17:19.060
  • (both laugh)
  • 00:17:19.060 --> 00:17:20.160
  • 'Cause it doesn't do the same thing
  • 00:17:20.160 --> 00:17:22.000
  • for me that it does for you. - Doesn't do it for you.
  • 00:17:22.000 --> 00:17:24.190
  • - Huh, cool.
  • 00:17:24.190 --> 00:17:25.270
  • All right, let's roll to you then, Fedrick.
  • 00:17:25.270 --> 00:17:27.050
  • Let's talk about your strengths.
  • 00:17:27.050 --> 00:17:28.060
  • Your number one is restorative,
  • 00:17:28.060 --> 00:17:29.150
  • which means you just love to see things,
  • 00:17:29.150 --> 00:17:32.090
  • and if you happen to notice that something's missing,
  • 00:17:32.090 --> 00:17:34.200
  • you kind of intuitively know what it is
  • 00:17:34.200 --> 00:17:36.130
  • that might be missing, and how you could restore that thing.
  • 00:17:36.130 --> 00:17:40.020
  • What's on the inside there is this desire
  • 00:17:40.020 --> 00:17:42.010
  • to bring it back to its former glory in some way,
  • 00:17:42.010 --> 00:17:44.290
  • so fixing things, older things are probably
  • 00:17:44.290 --> 00:17:47.210
  • interesting to you for that reason.
  • 00:17:47.210 --> 00:17:50.070
  • You have futuristic, which means you love tomorrow.
  • 00:17:50.070 --> 00:17:52.140
  • You're interested in tomorrow.
  • 00:17:52.140 --> 00:17:53.230
  • You like having conversations about tomorrow.
  • 00:17:53.230 --> 00:17:57.190
  • You have strategic third, which means
  • 00:17:57.190 --> 00:17:59.130
  • you kind of begin with the end in mind.
  • 00:17:59.130 --> 00:18:01.160
  • You like to go to the end, the obvious outcome,
  • 00:18:01.160 --> 00:18:03.210
  • the one that makes the best sense,
  • 00:18:03.210 --> 00:18:05.090
  • back your way out of that to where we are today,
  • 00:18:05.090 --> 00:18:07.190
  • and then know that you have a plan,
  • 00:18:07.190 --> 00:18:09.000
  • and if you follow that plan,
  • 00:18:09.000 --> 00:18:10.070
  • then we have confidence that we'll get there.
  • 00:18:10.070 --> 00:18:13.100
  • You have a strong sense of responsibility,
  • 00:18:13.100 --> 00:18:15.020
  • that's number four, and that really just is
  • 00:18:15.020 --> 00:18:17.210
  • this sense of dependability and utter reliability on you,
  • 00:18:17.210 --> 00:18:21.260
  • where, if you say yes to something,
  • 00:18:23.020 --> 00:18:24.090
  • man, we can take that to the bank,
  • 00:18:24.090 --> 00:18:25.140
  • like we know that's gonna happen.
  • 00:18:25.140 --> 00:18:27.120
  • Then the last is your positivity
  • 00:18:27.120 --> 00:18:28.290
  • that you share with Jaclyn.
  • 00:18:28.290 --> 00:18:31.050
  • Have you guys talked about your positivity?
  • 00:18:31.050 --> 00:18:33.020
  • Does it present the same way,
  • 00:18:33.020 --> 00:18:34.160
  • or does yours have a different kind of flavor than hers?
  • 00:18:34.160 --> 00:18:38.200
  • - Yeah, I think it's a little different.
  • 00:18:39.260 --> 00:18:42.210
  • My positivity, I think, comes out more
  • 00:18:42.210 --> 00:18:45.040
  • in situational stuff, basically,
  • 00:18:45.040 --> 00:18:47.240
  • happening with us, or me,
  • 00:18:49.210 --> 00:18:51.130
  • or just I'm gonna take the positive side of it.
  • 00:18:51.130 --> 00:18:54.200
  • It can be the worst thing ever,
  • 00:18:54.200 --> 00:18:55.280
  • but I'll find that one glimmer of hope
  • 00:18:55.280 --> 00:18:59.020
  • just to hold onto, just to get us through
  • 00:18:59.020 --> 00:19:02.030
  • whatever the thing is that we're going through.
  • 00:19:02.030 --> 00:19:04.070
  • - [Jaclyn] And encourage me.
  • 00:19:04.070 --> 00:19:06.100
  • - And encourage whatever needs it, and that way.
  • 00:19:06.100 --> 00:19:09.270
  • - Yeah, I have found that my positivity
  • 00:19:09.270 --> 00:19:12.040
  • is more geared towards people, and encouraging people,
  • 00:19:12.040 --> 00:19:16.070
  • and I actually have a harder time encouraging myself,
  • 00:19:16.070 --> 00:19:20.010
  • and so it's really easy to encourage him,
  • 00:19:20.010 --> 00:19:23.140
  • or encourage the situation, or encourage people
  • 00:19:24.290 --> 00:19:27.150
  • to go for what they're going for.
  • 00:19:27.150 --> 00:19:30.230
  • Then I think, because a lot of my strengths are relational,
  • 00:19:30.230 --> 00:19:34.000
  • so I'm so geared on putting that out for other people,
  • 00:19:34.000 --> 00:19:38.050
  • I have to go, "Okay, you have to turn it around,
  • 00:19:39.110 --> 00:19:40.090
  • "do it for yourself too."
  • 00:19:40.090 --> 00:19:41.240
  • - Yeah, well the learning I want to offer you here
  • 00:19:41.240 --> 00:19:43.140
  • is that 60% of your strengths
  • 00:19:43.140 --> 00:19:45.270
  • are kind of a relational building group of strengths,
  • 00:19:45.270 --> 00:19:50.000
  • so your positivity takes that expression.
  • 00:19:50.000 --> 00:19:52.250
  • It takes that form, where your positivity
  • 00:19:52.250 --> 00:19:55.130
  • wants to show itself in people
  • 00:19:55.130 --> 00:19:57.260
  • because you have a majority
  • 00:19:57.260 --> 00:19:59.010
  • of relationship-building strengths,
  • 00:19:59.010 --> 00:20:00.240
  • whereas yours kind of have a mix
  • 00:20:00.240 --> 00:20:02.200
  • where there is some strategic thinking,
  • 00:20:02.200 --> 00:20:04.170
  • and there are some executing strengths,
  • 00:20:04.170 --> 00:20:06.180
  • so your positivity comes out
  • 00:20:06.180 --> 00:20:08.090
  • in your thinking and get it done types of presenting,
  • 00:20:08.090 --> 00:20:12.120
  • but it's still the same word,
  • 00:20:13.080 --> 00:20:14.260
  • but how it expresses itself is very different.
  • 00:20:14.260 --> 00:20:16.270
  • - Yeah, it is.
  • 00:20:16.270 --> 00:20:18.030
  • - Today's program deals with shared control,
  • 00:20:18.030 --> 00:20:20.200
  • and where that lands in a relational environment like this,
  • 00:20:20.200 --> 00:20:24.050
  • in a marriage context, is just the question
  • 00:20:24.050 --> 00:20:27.130
  • of traditional roles.
  • 00:20:27.130 --> 00:20:29.170
  • You guys are newlyweds, and so you maybe
  • 00:20:29.170 --> 00:20:32.030
  • haven't had as much time to get stuck in traditional roles,
  • 00:20:32.030 --> 00:20:35.060
  • but can you, if you think about traditional roles,
  • 00:20:35.060 --> 00:20:37.270
  • like what the woman's role is, and what the guy's role is,
  • 00:20:37.270 --> 00:20:40.140
  • who does what, who pays the taxes,
  • 00:20:40.140 --> 00:20:42.010
  • who cooks, who does whatever,
  • 00:20:42.010 --> 00:20:44.000
  • talk to me a little bit about how you have settled
  • 00:20:44.000 --> 00:20:46.160
  • on what your roles are gonna be in your marriage.
  • 00:20:46.160 --> 00:20:49.030
  • (both laugh)
  • 00:20:49.030 --> 00:20:51.140
  • - It's funny.
  • 00:20:51.140 --> 00:20:52.270
  • I mean, honestly, we probably just fell into it.
  • 00:20:52.270 --> 00:20:56.200
  • We knew, going into marriage, we said,
  • 00:20:56.200 --> 00:20:58.280
  • "Hey, we don't want to just do the traditional thing.
  • 00:20:58.280 --> 00:21:02.140
  • "We just want an equal partnership.
  • 00:21:02.140 --> 00:21:04.000
  • "We just want to come in together,
  • 00:21:04.000 --> 00:21:05.160
  • "and we're gonna attack this as a team, together."
  • 00:21:05.160 --> 00:21:09.190
  • From traditional standpoint, I mean,
  • 00:21:12.020 --> 00:21:14.210
  • I guess I like to clean, you know, I enjoy it,
  • 00:21:14.210 --> 00:21:18.220
  • I guess I like to clean, you know, I enjoy it,
  • 00:21:18.220 --> 00:21:20.030
  • so I would clean the dishes.
  • 00:21:20.290 --> 00:21:22.200
  • If there's dishes in the dishwasher, I'm gonna clean them.
  • 00:21:22.200 --> 00:21:26.060
  • I'll pull out the vacuum and do all that stuff.
  • 00:21:27.110 --> 00:21:28.110
  • She does it too. - Let's just say
  • 00:21:28.110 --> 00:21:29.120
  • he does a lot of that stuff,
  • 00:21:29.120 --> 00:21:30.230
  • and it is a blessing to me. (laughs)
  • 00:21:30.230 --> 00:21:34.070
  • - Okay, so from an outsider's perspective,
  • 00:21:34.070 --> 00:21:36.090
  • if I want to offer you a little diagnosis
  • 00:21:36.090 --> 00:21:39.080
  • for why that is, he's the one with the executing strengths,
  • 00:21:39.080 --> 00:21:42.290
  • so to get the things done that need to be done,
  • 00:21:42.290 --> 00:21:45.280
  • for him, it's kind of easier.
  • 00:21:45.280 --> 00:21:47.180
  • He just sort of gets up and is like,
  • 00:21:47.180 --> 00:21:49.040
  • "Well, it's gotta be done, I'm just gonna get to it."
  • 00:21:49.040 --> 00:21:51.240
  • There's a mild level of reward associated with him
  • 00:21:51.240 --> 00:21:54.110
  • when it's finished, which is different than it is for you.
  • 00:21:54.110 --> 00:21:57.150
  • - [Both] Yeah.
  • 00:21:57.150 --> 00:21:58.230
  • - [Allan] So you see that in him, huh?
  • 00:21:58.230 --> 00:21:59.170
  • - Oh, yeah.
  • 00:21:59.170 --> 00:22:01.090
  • Yeah, I will want to do it,
  • 00:22:01.090 --> 00:22:04.210
  • he just gets to it quicker,
  • 00:22:04.210 --> 00:22:06.110
  • so I'm like, "Score."
  • 00:22:06.110 --> 00:22:08.190
  • - So this is the upside of the conversation.
  • 00:22:08.190 --> 00:22:11.070
  • Is there a dark side to the conversation?
  • 00:22:11.070 --> 00:22:13.030
  • I'm all getting in your business here for a second,
  • 00:22:13.030 --> 00:22:16.030
  • but now, where one of you gets mad,
  • 00:22:16.030 --> 00:22:17.260
  • like, "Come on, this is your, you said equal,
  • 00:22:17.260 --> 00:22:21.020
  • "you're not holding up your equal, let's go here."
  • 00:22:21.020 --> 00:22:23.220
  • - You probably have an area of mine.
  • 00:22:23.220 --> 00:22:26.180
  • - Which one?
  • 00:22:26.180 --> 00:22:27.130
  • - Probably my closet.
  • 00:22:27.130 --> 00:22:28.080
  • - Oh, yeah.
  • 00:22:28.080 --> 00:22:29.170
  • That's a good one.
  • 00:22:29.170 --> 00:22:30.280
  • It's just, I think, being an execution,
  • 00:22:30.280 --> 00:22:34.220
  • I'm not OCD, or clean freak, or anything,
  • 00:22:34.220 --> 00:22:37.040
  • but, I mean, when it comes to the closet,
  • 00:22:37.040 --> 00:22:40.150
  • when I would hang my clothes up directly,
  • 00:22:40.150 --> 00:22:43.280
  • I guess she wouldn't.
  • 00:22:44.240 --> 00:22:46.160
  • (laughs)
  • 00:22:47.290 --> 00:22:50.050
  • - Oh, it's really burning your positivity
  • 00:22:50.050 --> 00:22:51.220
  • to even talk about this.
  • 00:22:51.220 --> 00:22:52.280
  • - I know, it's killing me inside.
  • 00:22:52.280 --> 00:22:54.040
  • - He can't even look me in the eye.
  • 00:22:54.040 --> 00:22:55.080
  • - I can't look at her eyes.
  • 00:22:55.080 --> 00:22:56.150
  • I will look right at you, and say this.
  • 00:22:56.150 --> 00:22:59.060
  • Sometimes, she would make piles,
  • 00:22:59.060 --> 00:23:02.070
  • like a little pile here of her clothes,
  • 00:23:02.070 --> 00:23:04.010
  • and I'm like, "Why is that there?"
  • 00:23:04.010 --> 00:23:05.270
  • - How'd you resolve it?
  • 00:23:05.270 --> 00:23:07.160
  • What's the result?
  • 00:23:07.160 --> 00:23:08.240
  • - My resolve is, I pick it up and hang it up.
  • 00:23:08.240 --> 00:23:11.130
  • (laughs)
  • 00:23:11.130 --> 00:23:12.280
  • - [Allan] So you get what you want.
  • 00:23:12.280 --> 00:23:13.270
  • - [Fedrick] I get what I want.
  • 00:23:13.270 --> 00:23:15.130
  • - She gets what she wants. - She gets what she wants,
  • 00:23:15.130 --> 00:23:16.190
  • and we're still, you know, we're still happy.
  • 00:23:16.190 --> 00:23:18.110
  • - And we're still going forward.
  • 00:23:18.110 --> 00:23:19.250
  • - Okay, good.
  • 00:23:19.250 --> 00:23:21.190
  • - But I do know what he loves,
  • 00:23:21.190 --> 00:23:23.020
  • and seeing what he does get done,
  • 00:23:23.020 --> 00:23:25.240
  • I acknowledge it more.
  • 00:23:27.130 --> 00:23:30.000
  • - For sure.
  • 00:23:30.000 --> 00:23:31.010
  • - And do it.
  • 00:23:31.010 --> 00:23:32.150
  • - All right, one of the things I want to leave you with,
  • 00:23:32.150 --> 00:23:33.290
  • 'cause we're running low on opportunity for this discussion,
  • 00:23:33.290 --> 00:23:37.040
  • one of the things I want to leave you with is,
  • 00:23:37.040 --> 00:23:39.200
  • the way that you can intentionally invest
  • 00:23:39.200 --> 00:23:42.070
  • in each other's strengths as a couple,
  • 00:23:42.070 --> 00:23:44.260
  • and this is gonna sound corny,
  • 00:23:44.260 --> 00:23:46.110
  • but I'm just saying, this is how it works.
  • 00:23:46.110 --> 00:23:49.090
  • Pick one of your strengths, any one at a time,
  • 00:23:49.090 --> 00:23:52.120
  • make a note in your calendar or your diary
  • 00:23:52.120 --> 00:23:54.100
  • that you're going to do something intentional
  • 00:23:54.100 --> 00:23:56.170
  • for that person about that strength
  • 00:23:56.170 --> 00:23:59.110
  • on that evening or during that day somehow.
  • 00:23:59.110 --> 00:24:02.060
  • Maybe send them a text, write a note,
  • 00:24:02.060 --> 00:24:04.090
  • leave it on the mirror before they leave,
  • 00:24:04.090 --> 00:24:06.240
  • buy a little gift that makes you think
  • 00:24:06.240 --> 00:24:08.060
  • of that aspect of their strength,
  • 00:24:08.060 --> 00:24:10.150
  • but do something to say, "I see you
  • 00:24:10.150 --> 00:24:13.280
  • "through this particular lens, and I love it."
  • 00:24:13.280 --> 00:24:17.000
  • Say why you love it in the communication you have.
  • 00:24:17.000 --> 00:24:20.290
  • Just planting little seeds like that
  • 00:24:20.290 --> 00:24:22.270
  • throughout the course of the days, weeks, months, years
  • 00:24:22.270 --> 00:24:26.090
  • really brings the two of you together
  • 00:24:26.090 --> 00:24:28.080
  • in a way that's not just, "Hey, I love you,
  • 00:24:28.080 --> 00:24:30.250
  • "and I think you're handsome,"
  • 00:24:30.250 --> 00:24:32.020
  • but, "I really see who you are at a deep level.
  • 00:24:32.020 --> 00:24:35.280
  • "Who you are as a person really matters to me."
  • 00:24:35.280 --> 00:24:38.070
  • - [Jaclyn] I like that.
  • 00:24:38.070 --> 00:24:39.110
  • - Okay, do you promise you'll do it.
  • 00:24:39.110 --> 00:24:40.090
  • - [Jaclyn] I promise.
  • 00:24:40.090 --> 00:24:41.040
  • - [Allan] Okay, Fedrick.
  • 00:24:41.040 --> 00:24:42.080
  • - I'm in. - You hearing me?
  • 00:24:42.080 --> 00:24:43.160
  • - I'm in. - All right, listen, guys,
  • 00:24:43.160 --> 00:24:44.280
  • thanks so much for joining us on the program.
  • 00:24:44.280 --> 00:24:46.060
  • - Thanks for having us. - Wonderful having you.
  • 00:24:46.060 --> 00:24:47.170
  • - Thank you, it's been so fun.
  • 00:24:47.170 --> 00:24:50.170
  • - I love to see stories like that.
  • 00:24:50.170 --> 00:24:52.130
  • That's why we do what we do,
  • 00:24:52.130 --> 00:24:53.270
  • and an example of the impact these powerful resources
  • 00:24:53.270 --> 00:24:57.110
  • can have on your marriage.
  • 00:24:57.110 --> 00:24:59.030
  • - Yeah, for example, maybe your number one strength
  • 00:24:59.030 --> 00:25:01.280
  • is empathy, and your spouse's strength
  • 00:25:01.280 --> 00:25:03.230
  • is to be restorative.
  • 00:25:03.230 --> 00:25:06.010
  • Being aware of that is so important
  • 00:25:06.010 --> 00:25:07.270
  • because it will help you to understand
  • 00:25:07.270 --> 00:25:09.110
  • how each of you think because,
  • 00:25:09.110 --> 00:25:11.030
  • while someone who is empathetic will feel
  • 00:25:11.030 --> 00:25:13.150
  • what others are feeling, a restorative spouse
  • 00:25:13.150 --> 00:25:16.040
  • will see a problem and try to fix it.
  • 00:25:16.040 --> 00:25:18.210
  • They both want there to be resolution, and understanding,
  • 00:25:18.210 --> 00:25:21.260
  • peace, and growth, but their perspectives
  • 00:25:21.260 --> 00:25:24.110
  • are completely opposite, and if misunderstood by each other,
  • 00:25:24.110 --> 00:25:28.090
  • can be cause for some really heated discussion.
  • 00:25:28.090 --> 00:25:30.290
  • - But trust me, no matter what situation you're in,
  • 00:25:30.290 --> 00:25:34.070
  • your marriage can thrive in every area,
  • 00:25:34.070 --> 00:25:36.280
  • emotionally, physically, and spiritually.
  • 00:25:36.280 --> 00:25:39.120
  • We want to help you experience that today,
  • 00:25:39.120 --> 00:25:41.230
  • so request your Strengths Based Marriage resources
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  • with your gift, and discover the principles you need
  • 00:25:44.170 --> 00:25:47.150
  • to see yourself, your spouse, and your marriage
  • 00:25:47.150 --> 00:25:50.250
  • in a new, amazing way
  • 00:25:50.250 --> 00:25:52.170
  • - [Voiceover] TBN wants you (electronic music)
  • 00:25:54.030 --> 00:25:55.080
  • to discover the truths and principles
  • 00:25:55.080 --> 00:25:56.220
  • founded in Strengths Based Marriage,
  • 00:25:56.220 --> 00:25:58.220
  • and you will begin to see your relationship
  • 00:25:58.220 --> 00:26:00.110
  • with your spouse in a whole new way.
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  • Call or go online to request this powerful collection today
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  • with your gift of $120 or more,
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  • we will rush these incredible resources to you today.
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  • Call 800-626-7454,
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  • or visit tbn.org/strongmarriage.
  • 00:26:18.120 --> 00:26:22.010
  • - Who would've thought, the annoying and irritating things
  • 00:26:24.260 --> 00:26:27.130
  • that the enemy would use to turn a married couple
  • 00:26:27.130 --> 00:26:29.250
  • against one another can actually be
  • 00:26:29.250 --> 00:26:31.290
  • the very things God uses to draw them closer together.
  • 00:26:31.290 --> 00:26:35.070
  • Comprehension, appreciation, celebration,
  • 00:26:35.070 --> 00:26:38.170
  • they're all part of a strategic approach to marriage,
  • 00:26:38.170 --> 00:26:41.230
  • one that recognizes the grand design of our creator,
  • 00:26:41.230 --> 00:26:45.070
  • who knows what each and every one of us needs,
  • 00:26:45.070 --> 00:26:47.170
  • and how to provide it when we are humble
  • 00:26:47.170 --> 00:26:49.140
  • and open to his blessing.
  • 00:26:49.140 --> 00:26:51.210
  • - I know my marriage has been changed
  • 00:26:51.210 --> 00:26:53.070
  • through the powerful concepts in Strengths Based Marriage,
  • 00:26:53.070 --> 00:26:56.210
  • and I know yours can be too, so take heart.
  • 00:26:56.210 --> 00:26:59.130
  • Take hold of this exciting information,
  • 00:26:59.130 --> 00:27:01.220
  • and take your relationship to the cross,
  • 00:27:01.220 --> 00:27:03.280
  • where the God of all creation makes all things new.
  • 00:27:03.280 --> 00:27:07.150
  • Even the most difficult and strained marriages
  • 00:27:07.150 --> 00:27:10.120
  • have not fallen beyond his reach.
  • 00:27:10.120 --> 00:27:12.210
  • Listen, thanks for being here.
  • 00:27:12.210 --> 00:27:14.160
  • God bless you, and God bless your marriage.
  • 00:27:14.160 --> 00:27:18.040