Inner Vows | TBN

Inner Vows

Watch Inner Vows
March 12, 2018
27:30

Strengths Based Marriage with Jimmy Evans & Allan Kelsey

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Inner Vows

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  • the foundation of society, and one of the secrets
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  • of success in marriage is you don't have to marry
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  • the perfect person, who's just like you.
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  • - Yeah, you see, God has created each of us
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  • with a unique set of strengths, that when celebrated
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  • rather than stifled, can unlock
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  • the true potential of your marriage.
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  • In Strengths Based Marriage, we've drawn from
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  • more than 50 years of research from the Gallup Institute,
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  • combined with over 35 years of experience
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  • in marriage counseling, to develop an incredibly exciting
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  • resource that can literally revolutionize your relationship,
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  • and prepare you for a lifetime of passion and intimacy,
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  • and we can't wait to share it with you.
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  • - That's right, when you learn to recognize and focus
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  • on the strengths of your spouse, you'll be able to
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  • celebrate what's right about them, and value their
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  • God-given differences, not resent them.
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  • So join us on this journey to explore how implementing
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  • a strengths-based marriage can bring you closer together
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  • than ever before with your spouse.
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  • - [Announcer] Dr. Donald O. Clifton was a forerunner
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  • in positive psychology.
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  • Through his research, he identified 34 universal strengths
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  • that exist within each individual.
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  • Working with Gallup, he developed
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  • the StrengthsFinder Assessment, which reveals how
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  • our unique order of strengths affect the way
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  • we engage with the world around us, influencing our
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  • thoughts, feelings, and behavior.
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  • Thousands of businesses, teams, and churches
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  • have harnessed this strengths-based approach to interacting,
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  • resulting in stronger relationships and greater performance.
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  • So, what happens when you apply these same ideas to
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  • your own personal relationships, or even your marriage?
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  • On this journey, you will discover how to thrive
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  • in your strengths, recognize the positive traits
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  • in your partner, and develop your own
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  • strengths-based marriage.
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  • - I wanna talk to you about a very, very common
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  • dynamic that happens in our lives, that affects
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  • our marriages, really it affects every relationship
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  • in our lives.
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  • Very common, very destructive, and the biggest problem
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  • with this issue is that most people have no idea
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  • that it's taking place, and because of that,
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  • they don't know what to do about it, and I certainly didn't.
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  • When my wife and I got married, 44 years ago,
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  • I had never heard anyone talk about inner vows.
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  • I had a bunch of them, my wife had a bunch of them,
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  • and they got married, and began to have tremendous problems
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  • in the way that we related to each other, because we had
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  • both made inner vows.
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  • Now, an inner vow is a self-promise we make
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  • to ourselves, in response to pain or difficulty in life.
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  • One of the universal things that all of us have in common
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  • is problems and pain.
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  • Sometimes very intense pain.
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  • Abuse, rejection, poverty, you know,
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  • rejection by the opposite sex, divorce,
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  • maybe the divorce of our parents, sickness, serious illness,
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  • and in response to pain, the right thing to do
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  • in response to pain or problems is to trust God,
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  • and to turn to Him and pray.
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  • Unfortunately, when we're young, and when we're
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  • not believers, even when we are believers,
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  • sometimes to comfort ourselves, we don't do this
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  • because we're evil, we don't do it because we mean
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  • to do something wrong, we just do it to comfort ourselves,
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  • and even though it's innocent and normal, very destructive,
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  • very destructive, I'm reading a scripture here
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  • in just a minute, and I'll show you what Jesus
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  • had to say about this, because Jesus said something
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  • about it that's very, very interesting.
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  • But you know, when we're going through problems in life,
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  • this is an example of saying, "No one's ever
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  • "going to hurt me again."
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  • You know, you're going through just a really,
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  • really difficult time, and you say,
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  • "I'm never going to let a woman or a man
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  • "treat me like this again, I'm never going to be poor again,
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  • "I'm never going to be vulnerable again."
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  • And so, it's innocent, and we're saying it to comfort
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  • ourselves, because "I don't wanna come back here,
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  • "I don't wanna come back here, I don't want to experience
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  • "this kind of pain again, so I'm gonna make myself
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  • "a promise, I'm never gonna be poor again.
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  • "I'm never gonna be this vulnerable again,
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  • "I'm never gonna put myself in this situation."
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  • Innocent, but listen to what Jesus had to say about it,
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  • because this is interesting.
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  • "Again, you have heard that it was said to those of old,
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  • "you shall not swear falsely, but shall perform your oaths
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  • "to the Lord, but I say to you, do not swear at all,
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  • "neither by Heaven, for it is God's throne,
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  • "nor by the Earth, for it is his footstool,
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  • "nor by Jerusalem, for it is the city of the Great King,
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  • "nor shall you swear by your head, because you cannot
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  • "make one hair white or black, but let your yes be yes,
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  • "and your no, no, for whatever is more than these
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  • "is from the evil one."
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  • Now, that's a really interesting comment.
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  • Jesus said, "You swear, you perform your oaths to the Lord."
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  • When you're making a promise, when you're making an oath,
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  • you can only do that to God, in an appropriate way.
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  • But if you swear to yourself, or something else,
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  • it's evil, and you're saying "Whoa."
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  • Why in the world would Jesus say that's evil?
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  • Because first of all, in any area of my life,
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  • where I have an inner vow operating, Jesus is not
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  • Lord of that area, I'll give you an example.
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  • So let's just say that I was raised in poverty,
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  • and one day I say, "I'm never gonna be poor again."
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  • Jesus is not Lord of my finances.
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  • You see people who are poor, and they make that inner vow
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  • that they don't operate their finances, typically,
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  • in a Godly way, because "Jesus isn't Lord, I'm Lord.
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  • "No one's ever gonna hurt me again," well guess
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  • who's not the Lord of your relationships?
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  • In any area, I promise, and I'm saying
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  • as a Christian person, because I know you're a Christian,
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  • and I know you love Jesus, I loved Jesus,
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  • I was a Christian person, and I had multiple inner vows,
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  • and my wife also had multiple inner vows operating
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  • in her life, and it doesn't mean you're not going to Heaven,
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  • doesn't mean you don't love Jesus, it just means in those
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  • respective areas, where Jesus is not the Lord of your life,
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  • it just means, I mean that you've made an inner vow,
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  • it just simply means that Jesus is not Lord of that
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  • specific area, and that causes all kinds of problems.
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  • You say yourself, "No woman, no man is ever gonna treat
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  • You say yourself, "No woman, no man is ever gonna treat
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  • me like that again," well let me say this.
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  • Not only is Jesus not Lord in an area that you have
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  • an inner vow, it causes you to overreact
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  • and become extreme in that area.
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  • I have counseled thousands and thousands of couples,
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  • and some of the worst counseling situations I've had,
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  • it goes back to an inner vow.
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  • Back to someone, for example, that had been through a
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  • previous divorce, and they said,
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  • "I'll never let a woman treat me like this again,
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  • "I'll never let a man treat me like this again."
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  • And see, what happens when you make that kind of vow is
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  • you become hypervigilant, and your new spouse is guilty
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  • until they're proven innocent.
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  • They're not innocent until they're proven guilty.
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  • There's not a normal level of trust, is now because
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  • I made myself this vow, that no one's gonna treat me
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  • like this again, I become this hypervigilant, dominant,
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  • protective person that can't be intimate with anybody.
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  • Because intimacy requires trust.
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  • Intimacy requires vulnerability.
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  • And when you've said, "I'll never be vulnerable again,
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  • "no one will ever hurt me again," see, when we're hurting,
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  • we take it to the Lord, and we forgive,
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  • and we ask God for guidance, and we trust God.
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  • We make the appropriate response, that way we're healed,
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  • and we can go on and be normal.
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  • If we don't make the appropriate response, and we make
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  • ourself a promise, we can become very, very dysfunctional,
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  • and the truth is, we think everybody else is dysfunctional,
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  • and we think that we're normal.
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  • I've met people who were the most unbelievably abusive
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  • spouses, and almost all the time that it happens,
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  • they're responding to an inner vow.
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  • And when I began to talk to them, and I'll say,
  • 00:08:12.100 --> 00:08:13.270
  • "Why are you so dominant, why are you so controlling,
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  • "why are you so this?"
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  • You'll go back to the circumstance in their life,
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  • where they were hurt, I had one man who was one of
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  • the worst husbands I've ever seen in my life,
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  • totally dominated his wife, his mother was
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  • a very dominant woman, according to him, and he said,
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  • "Every day of my life, growing up, I watched my mother
  • 00:08:31.100 --> 00:08:34.260
  • "emasculate my father, and I promised it would
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  • "never happen to me."
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  • And he was one of the most controlling men I've ever seen,
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  • and I said to him, "So now you are your mother.
  • 00:08:43.000 --> 00:08:46.060
  • "But rather than a woman doing it to a man,
  • 00:08:46.060 --> 00:08:48.220
  • "now it's you doing it to your wife," and he kinda
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  • gave me that look, and I said, "You are your mother.
  • 00:08:50.240 --> 00:08:54.100
  • "You are dominating your wife because
  • 00:08:54.100 --> 00:08:56.080
  • "you made that inner vow, you are now doing what you said
  • 00:08:56.080 --> 00:09:00.140
  • "would never be done to you, but now you're doing it
  • 00:09:00.140 --> 00:09:02.090
  • "to another person."
  • 00:09:02.090 --> 00:09:03.170
  • It makes us, let me say it this way, in any area
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  • that you have an inner vow, you're a little crazy.
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  • You're unteachable, you're unapproachable.
  • 00:09:10.120 --> 00:09:14.140
  • And again, you think it's logical, but Jesus said it's evil.
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  • Why is it evil?
  • 00:09:18.180 --> 00:09:19.160
  • Because you can't be taught.
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  • See, the word "disciple" means "learner."
  • 00:09:20.260 --> 00:09:24.150
  • If you're a disciple, it means you're teachable.
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  • You're teachable about money,
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  • you're teachable about relationships.
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  • You open the Bible, you read it, and you learn
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  • what it has to say.
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  • When you have an inner vow working in your life,
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  • you're not teachable.
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  • You just, no one can tell you anything,
  • 00:09:38.100 --> 00:09:40.250
  • about money, about relationships, about things like that.
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  • And so, we want to be good disciples.
  • 00:09:44.070 --> 00:09:46.230
  • Now, I'm saying, inner vows destroy relationships.
  • 00:09:46.230 --> 00:09:50.180
  • They at least affect relationships in a very
  • 00:09:50.180 --> 00:09:52.260
  • negative manner, but they can destroy relationships.
  • 00:09:52.260 --> 00:09:55.210
  • The other things about the inner vows is it creates
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  • an inner dialogue, that we begin to have self-talk,
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  • that's very negative, "Everybody's against me.
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  • "Nobody's for me, nobody understands me.
  • 00:10:03.130 --> 00:10:06.110
  • "My spouse is against me, they're hurting me,
  • 00:10:06.110 --> 00:10:08.150
  • "they're trying to hurt me."
  • 00:10:08.150 --> 00:10:10.000
  • It just becomes a very negative inner dialogue,
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  • all because, innocently, not 'cause we're evil,
  • 00:10:12.270 --> 00:10:16.240
  • we were hurting, and we made a response to that hurt
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  • that made it worse.
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  • It didn't make it go away.
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  • It may have comforted us, at the time.
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  • But Jesus said it's evil now, because,
  • 00:10:28.100 --> 00:10:30.190
  • "I'm not going to be able to be Lord of that area,
  • 00:10:30.190 --> 00:10:32.090
  • "you're going to overreact, you're going to be unteachable,
  • 00:10:32.090 --> 00:10:34.270
  • "and you're going to have this inner dialogue
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  • "that's going to be negative," so what do you do about it?
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  • You bring it to Jesus.
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  • In any area, as I'm speaking right now, because we're
  • 00:10:40.220 --> 00:10:43.090
  • gonna break it right now, some of you have operating
  • 00:10:43.090 --> 00:10:47.030
  • inner vows that need to be broken now, because of
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  • the destruction that it's causing in your relationships,
  • 00:10:50.110 --> 00:10:53.220
  • in your marriage, and your life.
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  • Jesus, I come to you, and I say, Lord, I repent.
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  • I did not know that it was wrong to do that.
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  • I know you didn't, I didn't, okay.
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  • And I said I'd never be poor again, I said
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  • nobody would ever hurt me again, I'd say,
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  • this isn't gonna happen, that's gonna happen.
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  • And Lord, I should've trusted you.
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  • Listen, I renounce the vow.
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  • I repent for becoming God in that area of my life,
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  • I didn't know that was happening, but it was,
  • 00:11:23.110 --> 00:11:26.080
  • and I renounce the vow.
  • 00:11:26.080 --> 00:11:28.160
  • And I say, "Lord, related to money, related to
  • 00:11:28.160 --> 00:11:31.240
  • "relationships, related to being vulnerable or being hurt,
  • 00:11:31.240 --> 00:11:35.260
  • "or whatever, I want to be the person you want me to be.
  • 00:11:35.260 --> 00:11:40.010
  • "I'm not going to make any absolute statements,
  • 00:11:41.060 --> 00:11:42.130
  • "as though I'm God.
  • 00:11:42.130 --> 00:11:43.220
  • "You're my Lord, and I forgive,"
  • 00:11:43.220 --> 00:11:46.120
  • this is a big issue in breaking inner vows,
  • 00:11:46.120 --> 00:11:48.270
  • "I forgive anyone involved in that vow,
  • 00:11:48.270 --> 00:11:52.220
  • "who may have hurt me, or disappointed me, or rejected me,
  • 00:11:52.220 --> 00:11:55.150
  • "or let me down, or made me feel vulnerable, I forgive them,
  • 00:11:55.150 --> 00:11:59.030
  • "and I bless them, and Lord, I pray that you will now
  • 00:11:59.030 --> 00:12:03.100
  • "teach me how to operate this area of my life."
  • 00:12:04.160 --> 00:12:07.260
  • See, when you've had an inner vow operating,
  • 00:12:07.260 --> 00:12:10.220
  • you're unteachable, and you're operating on false
  • 00:12:10.220 --> 00:12:13.080
  • information, everybody else is crazy, and you're wise,
  • 00:12:13.080 --> 00:12:16.280
  • but actually, you're operating on the wrong information,
  • 00:12:16.280 --> 00:12:20.190
  • and you're unteachable, listen.
  • 00:12:20.190 --> 00:12:22.070
  • "Lord, I submit to You, I submit to Your word,
  • 00:12:22.070 --> 00:12:26.040
  • "and I submit to wise counsel, to Godly counsel.
  • 00:12:26.040 --> 00:12:29.210
  • "If there are people that are successful, Godly people
  • 00:12:29.210 --> 00:12:33.210
  • "that are successful in this area, I want to learn from them
  • 00:12:33.210 --> 00:12:37.170
  • "and not argue with them.
  • 00:12:37.170 --> 00:12:39.170
  • "But Lord, I pray You would teach me in this area."
  • 00:12:39.170 --> 00:12:42.030
  • Now listen to what I'm saying, it will transform your life
  • 00:12:42.030 --> 00:12:44.150
  • and your marriage, to break your inner vows.
  • 00:12:44.150 --> 00:12:47.190
  • And to take this pain and put it into the hands of Jesus,
  • 00:12:47.190 --> 00:12:51.240
  • and to make him Lord of this area.
  • 00:12:52.290 --> 00:12:54.130
  • This is what happened to me,
  • 00:12:54.130 --> 00:12:56.120
  • this is what happened to my wife,
  • 00:12:56.120 --> 00:12:58.140
  • and as soon as these inner vows were broken,
  • 00:12:58.140 --> 00:13:01.090
  • we saw the world in a different way.
  • 00:13:01.090 --> 00:13:02.260
  • We saw each other in a different way.
  • 00:13:02.260 --> 00:13:05.160
  • And my prayer for you today is every single inner vow
  • 00:13:05.160 --> 00:13:09.210
  • in your life is broken now, in the name of Jesus,
  • 00:13:11.030 --> 00:13:12.220
  • it's that simple.
  • 00:13:12.220 --> 00:13:14.050
  • When you renounce it, when you repent of it,
  • 00:13:14.050 --> 00:13:16.170
  • and you bring that area to Jesus, it's broken.
  • 00:13:16.170 --> 00:13:19.100
  • And immediately, you begin to see the difference
  • 00:13:19.100 --> 00:13:22.140
  • in your relationships.
  • 00:13:22.140 --> 00:13:24.220
  • - [Announcer] TBN wants you to discover the truths
  • 00:13:24.220 --> 00:13:26.230
  • and principles found in Strengths Based Marriage,
  • 00:13:26.230 --> 00:13:29.140
  • and you will begin to see your relationship with your spouse
  • 00:13:29.140 --> 00:13:32.000
  • in a whole new way.
  • 00:13:32.000 --> 00:13:33.140
  • Call or go online to request this powerful collection today,
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  • with your gift of $120 or more, and as our thank you
  • 00:13:36.250 --> 00:13:40.100
  • for supporting TBN, we will rush these incredible resources
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  • to you today.
  • 00:13:43.230 --> 00:13:45.070
  • Call 800-626-7454,
  • 00:13:45.070 --> 00:13:49.020
  • or visit TBN.org/StrongMarriage.
  • 00:13:49.020 --> 00:13:52.070
  • - If you're just tuning in,
  • 00:13:55.280 --> 00:13:57.080
  • welcome to Strengths Based Marriage.
  • 00:13:57.080 --> 00:13:59.130
  • We have a guest couple with us today.
  • 00:13:59.130 --> 00:14:01.110
  • Let's have a look at how their strengths
  • 00:14:01.110 --> 00:14:03.120
  • influence their marriage.
  • 00:14:03.120 --> 00:14:05.110
  • - [Announcer] Today's couple is Weston and Vivian Smith
  • 00:14:05.110 --> 00:14:07.180
  • from Southlake, Texas.
  • 00:14:07.180 --> 00:14:09.090
  • Weston's top five strengths are restorative,
  • 00:14:09.090 --> 00:14:11.190
  • positivity, strategic, includer, and connectedness.
  • 00:14:11.190 --> 00:14:15.240
  • Vivian's top five strengths are positivity,
  • 00:14:17.040 --> 00:14:18.130
  • belief, developer, connectedness, and woo.
  • 00:14:18.130 --> 00:14:21.280
  • - Well, I've been looking forward to this time
  • 00:14:23.100 --> 00:14:24.250
  • to work with these two, and I'm so glad you guys are here.
  • 00:14:24.250 --> 00:14:28.110
  • Vivian and Weston, thanks so much for spending time
  • 00:14:28.110 --> 00:14:30.050
  • with us today.
  • 00:14:30.050 --> 00:14:31.200
  • We're really eager to talk to you about your strengths,
  • 00:14:31.200 --> 00:14:33.200
  • and learn from your experiences, and your use of them,
  • 00:14:33.200 --> 00:14:36.220
  • so welcome.
  • 00:14:36.220 --> 00:14:38.060
  • Why don't you start by just telling us a little bit
  • 00:14:38.060 --> 00:14:39.130
  • about who you are and what you do?
  • 00:14:39.130 --> 00:14:41.120
  • - Go ahead. - Okay.
  • 00:14:41.120 --> 00:14:43.060
  • I'm Weston, and I do IT security.
  • 00:14:43.060 --> 00:14:45.280
  • I have known my wife for maybe a full year now, but,
  • 00:14:47.120 --> 00:14:51.170
  • dated, what is it,
  • 00:14:53.160 --> 00:14:54.210
  • we were engaged longer than we dated.
  • 00:14:54.210 --> 00:14:57.050
  • We've been married ten months, the 11th,
  • 00:14:57.050 --> 00:14:59.220
  • and we have a strength-based marriage group.
  • 00:14:59.220 --> 00:15:03.220
  • - Good.
  • 00:15:03.220 --> 00:15:05.070
  • Well, one of the ways that our viewing audience gets to
  • 00:15:05.070 --> 00:15:06.270
  • know who you guys are is not just from your personal stories
  • 00:15:06.270 --> 00:15:09.150
  • but also from looking at you through the lens
  • 00:15:09.150 --> 00:15:11.250
  • of each of your strengths.
  • 00:15:11.250 --> 00:15:13.110
  • And so one of the things I'd like to do is just kinda
  • 00:15:13.110 --> 00:15:15.080
  • read off your strengths real fast, just to kinda get us all
  • 00:15:15.080 --> 00:15:18.050
  • situated for what's going on here.
  • 00:15:18.050 --> 00:15:20.160
  • And don't say it, but it might be a past reminder
  • 00:15:20.160 --> 00:15:23.100
  • for each of you about what your strengths are.
  • 00:15:23.100 --> 00:15:26.060
  • Vivian, we'll start with you, okay?
  • 00:15:26.060 --> 00:15:27.280
  • So, number one, positivity, coming right out of the gate,
  • 00:15:27.280 --> 00:15:31.070
  • and you just see things, the glass half full,
  • 00:15:31.070 --> 00:15:33.120
  • you have a positive perspective about life.
  • 00:15:33.120 --> 00:15:36.090
  • Then you follow that with belief, which means that
  • 00:15:36.090 --> 00:15:38.170
  • you have these moral or ethically-based values
  • 00:15:38.170 --> 00:15:41.130
  • that help to define all of your decision-making,
  • 00:15:41.130 --> 00:15:44.040
  • and structures all of your decision-making.
  • 00:15:44.040 --> 00:15:46.140
  • And then you have developer, which means you love to
  • 00:15:46.140 --> 00:15:48.280
  • incrementally move people along and kinda help
  • 00:15:48.280 --> 00:15:52.080
  • them get better, there's something about you that
  • 00:15:52.080 --> 00:15:54.050
  • loves to help people get better.
  • 00:15:54.050 --> 00:15:56.100
  • And then you have connectedness, which means that you
  • 00:15:56.100 --> 00:15:59.090
  • see the thread that God has, that tells a story,
  • 00:15:59.090 --> 00:16:03.110
  • but that can join all of these kind of strange points
  • 00:16:03.110 --> 00:16:06.060
  • that don't seem to make sense to other people,
  • 00:16:06.060 --> 00:16:08.120
  • but they totally make sense to you.
  • 00:16:08.120 --> 00:16:09.290
  • There are no coincidences for people with connectedness.
  • 00:16:09.290 --> 00:16:13.090
  • And then finally you have woo, which means you just love
  • 00:16:13.090 --> 00:16:15.200
  • to win other people over, and so you're the life of
  • 00:16:15.200 --> 00:16:18.280
  • the party, you're fun to be around, and it's probably what
  • 00:16:18.280 --> 00:16:22.240
  • hooked Weston in the first place, but I'm not gonna
  • 00:16:22.240 --> 00:16:25.130
  • throw him under the bus.
  • 00:16:25.130 --> 00:16:27.080
  • Alright, Weston, so you've got restorative, it means you
  • 00:16:27.080 --> 00:16:30.230
  • just see things that are kinda maybe missing in people
  • 00:16:30.230 --> 00:16:34.010
  • or situations, and you're interested in wanting to
  • 00:16:34.010 --> 00:16:36.180
  • bring that back, kind of restore the former glory
  • 00:16:36.180 --> 00:16:39.200
  • of what's available or what's present in that situation
  • 00:16:39.200 --> 00:16:42.150
  • or that person.
  • 00:16:42.150 --> 00:16:44.040
  • You have positivity, also like your wife, so you
  • 00:16:44.040 --> 00:16:46.160
  • guys share that.
  • 00:16:46.160 --> 00:16:48.100
  • You have strategic, which means you love to begin with
  • 00:16:48.100 --> 00:16:51.200
  • the end in mind, so you'll go the outcome, work your way
  • 00:16:51.200 --> 00:16:54.140
  • back from that point, and then know you have a plan
  • 00:16:54.140 --> 00:16:56.210
  • or a map that will get you there, pretty confident
  • 00:16:56.210 --> 00:16:59.020
  • about being able to follow through with that.
  • 00:16:59.020 --> 00:17:01.070
  • And then includer, which means that you like
  • 00:17:01.070 --> 00:17:03.260
  • to widen the circle, you just like to include people,
  • 00:17:03.260 --> 00:17:06.180
  • you feel safer when there's more around, and it just
  • 00:17:06.180 --> 00:17:09.280
  • feels good, you know, when that's the case.
  • 00:17:09.280 --> 00:17:12.010
  • And then you also have connectedness, like your wife,
  • 00:17:12.010 --> 00:17:14.120
  • so the two of you share two of your strengths
  • 00:17:14.120 --> 00:17:16.090
  • are similar in that regard, and just love to be able to
  • 00:17:16.090 --> 00:17:19.170
  • tell the story.
  • 00:17:19.170 --> 00:17:21.020
  • So let's start with the strengths that you share.
  • 00:17:21.020 --> 00:17:24.010
  • You both have positivity, is your positivity the same?
  • 00:17:24.010 --> 00:17:28.060
  • - No. - No.
  • 00:17:28.260 --> 00:17:29.160
  • Absolutely not.
  • 00:17:29.160 --> 00:17:31.010
  • - [Allan] Okay, let me know, what's going on with that?
  • 00:17:31.010 --> 00:17:32.200
  • - You wanna go first?
  • 00:17:32.200 --> 00:17:34.060
  • - Well, my positivity, I feel like, is more centered around
  • 00:17:34.060 --> 00:17:37.240
  • people, and, um,
  • 00:17:37.240 --> 00:17:39.040
  • I think it's more closely tied to my woo,
  • 00:17:41.060 --> 00:17:44.060
  • if that makes sense.
  • 00:17:44.060 --> 00:17:45.260
  • But I think for both of us, though, being in
  • 00:17:47.010 --> 00:17:51.020
  • negative environments is hard, and so being that we
  • 00:17:51.020 --> 00:17:53.270
  • both have positivity, just being able to recognize,
  • 00:17:53.270 --> 00:17:57.280
  • "Okay, I'm walking through this valley of,
  • 00:17:57.280 --> 00:18:00.100
  • "I'm feeling some negative tension, and I need your help
  • 00:18:00.100 --> 00:18:02.210
  • "pulling me out of this, back to the positivity
  • 00:18:02.210 --> 00:18:04.290
  • "that we both know is there."
  • 00:18:04.290 --> 00:18:07.220
  • But I feel like, for the most part, it's mine centered
  • 00:18:07.220 --> 00:18:10.270
  • around people, and making people's day brighter,
  • 00:18:10.270 --> 00:18:15.020
  • or helping other people see the glass is half full,
  • 00:18:16.140 --> 00:18:19.100
  • or seeing the brighter side.
  • 00:18:19.100 --> 00:18:20.250
  • - How about you, Weston?
  • 00:18:20.250 --> 00:18:22.140
  • - My positivity seems to gravitate more as being number two
  • 00:18:22.140 --> 00:18:25.050
  • to my number one, which is restorative.
  • 00:18:25.050 --> 00:18:27.060
  • So always having an alternative solution for somebody,
  • 00:18:27.060 --> 00:18:30.250
  • and so when I can see them come through something,
  • 00:18:30.250 --> 00:18:34.100
  • it generates this kind of mentorship, this coaching,
  • 00:18:34.100 --> 00:18:38.110
  • this, "Hey, thank you for that, this solution
  • 00:18:38.110 --> 00:18:40.180
  • "that you've offered," or I can tell a story to somebody
  • 00:18:40.180 --> 00:18:43.140
  • about my failures and where I've succeeded,
  • 00:18:43.140 --> 00:18:46.040
  • and to tell them, "Hey, don't go down this road,"
  • 00:18:46.040 --> 00:18:49.150
  • so that when they come out the other end,
  • 00:18:49.150 --> 00:18:52.100
  • it would be much easier.
  • 00:18:52.100 --> 00:18:53.230
  • - Yeah.
  • 00:18:53.230 --> 00:18:55.080
  • It's fascinating to me that you've mentioned mentoring
  • 00:18:55.080 --> 00:18:56.260
  • or coaching, because the essence of restorative is that
  • 00:18:56.260 --> 00:19:01.030
  • you see something that's not there, and you want to
  • 00:19:02.170 --> 00:19:05.090
  • bring it back again.
  • 00:19:05.090 --> 00:19:06.210
  • The essence of someone who needs coaching
  • 00:19:06.210 --> 00:19:08.280
  • is, "I have something that's missing,
  • 00:19:08.280 --> 00:19:11.030
  • "and I need somebody to put it in there,
  • 00:19:11.030 --> 00:19:13.100
  • "or to help me find it."
  • 00:19:13.100 --> 00:19:14.250
  • So, it makes perfect sense to me that you
  • 00:19:14.250 --> 00:19:17.000
  • gravitate toward that.
  • 00:19:17.000 --> 00:19:18.190
  • So you also share connectedness, tell me about that.
  • 00:19:18.190 --> 00:19:21.160
  • So, it makes you both pretty good storytellers,
  • 00:19:21.160 --> 00:19:24.130
  • but I think you might weave different stories somehow.
  • 00:19:24.130 --> 00:19:28.180
  • - Go ahead. - Okay, I'll go first.
  • 00:19:29.190 --> 00:19:31.190
  • What is it, for my connectedness,
  • 00:19:31.190 --> 00:19:33.130
  • I'm a connect-the-dots kind of person,
  • 00:19:33.130 --> 00:19:36.180
  • so when something happens in my life, or a situation,
  • 00:19:36.180 --> 00:19:40.210
  • I can always go back to watching the Lord deposit
  • 00:19:40.210 --> 00:19:44.260
  • these seeds of where things were growing to the moment
  • 00:19:46.100 --> 00:19:47.250
  • when it finally happens, I'll go back, way far back,
  • 00:19:47.250 --> 00:19:51.160
  • and like, "Oh, this is why I went from here,
  • 00:19:51.160 --> 00:19:53.190
  • "A to B to C to D," and then the moment I get to
  • 00:19:53.190 --> 00:19:57.200
  • my end game or my end goal, wherever I'm at,
  • 00:19:57.200 --> 00:19:59.200
  • whatever that blessing looks like,
  • 00:19:59.200 --> 00:20:01.210
  • I can always go back and retrace the steps knowing that
  • 00:20:01.210 --> 00:20:03.290
  • it was the Lord that connected this one to this one.
  • 00:20:03.290 --> 00:20:06.130
  • As wild and as crazy as it might be,
  • 00:20:06.130 --> 00:20:09.010
  • or whatever that journey looked like.
  • 00:20:09.010 --> 00:20:10.230
  • - Yeah, how about you Vivian?
  • 00:20:10.230 --> 00:20:12.160
  • - Well, I'm always looking for the pieces of the puzzle.
  • 00:20:12.160 --> 00:20:16.210
  • Like, if something's going on over here, I'm like,
  • 00:20:18.040 --> 00:20:19.170
  • "Ooh, I bet that has something to do with this,
  • 00:20:19.170 --> 00:20:20.250
  • "and had something to do with that, and something
  • 00:20:20.250 --> 00:20:21.220
  • "to do with that."
  • 00:20:21.220 --> 00:20:22.240
  • - Wow.
  • 00:20:22.240 --> 00:20:24.090
  • So, I love this, because it so powerfully illustrates how,
  • 00:20:24.090 --> 00:20:27.060
  • it's the same word, you know, connectedness.
  • 00:20:27.060 --> 00:20:29.280
  • But in your version, it expresses itself one way.
  • 00:20:29.280 --> 00:20:32.290
  • In yours, Vivian, expresses it another, and it's purely
  • 00:20:32.290 --> 00:20:36.000
  • because the other four strengths pull it into a different
  • 00:20:36.000 --> 00:20:40.020
  • flavor and kinda give it a new perspective.
  • 00:20:40.020 --> 00:20:42.280
  • It's so interesting to me that that's how it plays out.
  • 00:20:42.280 --> 00:20:45.250
  • So you have similar words in your strengths,
  • 00:20:45.250 --> 00:20:49.270
  • but their expression is actually quite, quite different.
  • 00:20:49.270 --> 00:20:53.270
  • If I take all of your strengths, and look at them
  • 00:20:53.270 --> 00:20:56.130
  • in the categories of how strengths can be broken out,
  • 00:20:56.130 --> 00:21:00.040
  • then 60% of your strengths, Weston,
  • 00:21:00.040 --> 00:21:03.130
  • are relationship-building strengths.
  • 00:21:03.130 --> 00:21:06.080
  • But the same is true for you, though, Vivian,
  • 00:21:06.080 --> 00:21:08.140
  • 60% of yours are also relationship building strengths,
  • 00:21:08.140 --> 00:21:11.030
  • so I'm guessing maybe you have a small group,
  • 00:21:11.030 --> 00:21:14.020
  • or something like that, that you work with,
  • 00:21:14.020 --> 00:21:16.240
  • is that true? - Yes we do.
  • 00:21:16.240 --> 00:21:18.160
  • - Whew, I was out on a limb there,
  • 00:21:18.160 --> 00:21:19.250
  • I need to make sure.
  • 00:21:19.250 --> 00:21:20.260
  • Well, tell me about that.
  • 00:21:20.260 --> 00:21:22.100
  • And why you do it, how does it feed your strengths?
  • 00:21:22.100 --> 00:21:25.060
  • - So, for me,
  • 00:21:25.060 --> 00:21:26.090
  • well for my wife and I,
  • 00:21:28.200 --> 00:21:29.270
  • when we started our small group, we started
  • 00:21:29.270 --> 00:21:31.180
  • a new marriage group for young couples that were
  • 00:21:31.180 --> 00:21:34.140
  • newly married, and we went ahead, and we were reading
  • 00:21:34.140 --> 00:21:37.140
  • about strengths, and we were so passionate about them,
  • 00:21:37.140 --> 00:21:39.230
  • that we decided to start a strength-based marriage group,
  • 00:21:39.230 --> 00:21:42.160
  • to talk about how to equip young couples, to understand,
  • 00:21:42.160 --> 00:21:45.270
  • new language that we could say, a new language to
  • 00:21:45.270 --> 00:21:49.030
  • be able to talk to each other, and discover each other.
  • 00:21:49.030 --> 00:21:52.110
  • Hopefully earlier in our marriages maybe than later.
  • 00:21:52.110 --> 00:21:55.210
  • But also then give us time to use those strengths
  • 00:21:55.210 --> 00:21:58.000
  • that we find out about ourselves, whether we share them
  • 00:21:58.000 --> 00:22:00.170
  • or we don't, but how we can learn to love one another
  • 00:22:00.170 --> 00:22:04.050
  • in those strengths, so if I do it in year one,
  • 00:22:04.050 --> 00:22:07.090
  • maybe year two, three, and four, every year will
  • 00:22:07.090 --> 00:22:09.180
  • get better, and better, and better, and so for me,
  • 00:22:09.180 --> 00:22:12.110
  • when it plays out in my strengths, since my number one
  • 00:22:12.110 --> 00:22:15.040
  • is restorative, even I like to fix things about myself.
  • 00:22:15.040 --> 00:22:18.280
  • It's a strive of perfection I will know I never reach,
  • 00:22:18.280 --> 00:22:23.020
  • but a strive to be excellent.
  • 00:22:23.020 --> 00:22:25.130
  • And better. - Yeah.
  • 00:22:25.130 --> 00:22:26.200
  • This program seems to focus on inner vows,
  • 00:22:26.200 --> 00:22:30.030
  • and inner dialogue, and there's an element to
  • 00:22:30.030 --> 00:22:33.060
  • our inner dialogue that is fed by our strengths.
  • 00:22:33.060 --> 00:22:36.130
  • And this is what I mean.
  • 00:22:36.130 --> 00:22:37.280
  • If I'm in my relationship with Stephanie,
  • 00:22:37.280 --> 00:22:40.130
  • and I get something from her, some interaction happens,
  • 00:22:40.130 --> 00:22:44.050
  • and I begin a dialogue with myself in response
  • 00:22:44.050 --> 00:22:46.280
  • to that occurrence, it's filtered by my strengths,
  • 00:22:46.280 --> 00:22:50.110
  • so I'm gonna say something like, through my achiever,
  • 00:22:50.110 --> 00:22:53.130
  • I might want to act on what she said,
  • 00:22:53.130 --> 00:22:55.110
  • or through my strategic, I'm going to maybe want to evaluate
  • 00:22:55.110 --> 00:22:58.100
  • what she just said.
  • 00:22:58.100 --> 00:23:00.030
  • So this inner dialogue, motivated by your strengths,
  • 00:23:00.030 --> 00:23:03.090
  • kind of plays a role in your relationship.
  • 00:23:03.090 --> 00:23:05.200
  • Can you find a spot like that where it's affecting
  • 00:23:05.200 --> 00:23:08.040
  • your relationship and somehow where there's a dialogue
  • 00:23:08.040 --> 00:23:10.130
  • that you start, in any given situation,
  • 00:23:10.130 --> 00:23:13.100
  • that's filtered by your strengths?
  • 00:23:13.100 --> 00:23:15.280
  • - When my wife is, when she's trying to tell me,
  • 00:23:15.280 --> 00:23:19.280
  • if she's offering something to me, where she's
  • 00:23:21.120 --> 00:23:23.030
  • telling me a story, or she maybe wants me to just
  • 00:23:23.030 --> 00:23:25.250
  • listen better, my restorative will kick in immediately,
  • 00:23:25.250 --> 00:23:29.110
  • looking for a solution of how to fix this,
  • 00:23:29.110 --> 00:23:32.190
  • or how to fix that, and it's not necessarily
  • 00:23:32.190 --> 00:23:34.220
  • that I need to fix it, it's more that I just need to
  • 00:23:34.220 --> 00:23:37.160
  • just be a better listener, and I know in that, when we've,
  • 00:23:37.160 --> 00:23:41.210
  • we definitely had the talk about it, 'cause I don't
  • 00:23:43.040 --> 00:23:44.190
  • always have to fix everything sometimes.
  • 00:23:44.190 --> 00:23:47.140
  • Sometimes it's better just to listen.
  • 00:23:47.140 --> 00:23:49.080
  • - Just to listen, hey, I get it.
  • 00:23:49.080 --> 00:23:50.270
  • Vivian, how about you, do you have something,
  • 00:23:50.270 --> 00:23:52.190
  • an example that comes to mind?
  • 00:23:52.190 --> 00:23:54.070
  • - Well, what comes to mind mostly is his strategic side,
  • 00:23:54.070 --> 00:23:57.180
  • and really his restorative side.
  • 00:23:57.180 --> 00:23:59.200
  • Fixing everything, always has a plan,
  • 00:23:59.200 --> 00:24:02.130
  • always wants to fix things, and honestly I feel like
  • 00:24:02.130 --> 00:24:06.070
  • that has helped me a lot, 'cause I don't have
  • 00:24:06.070 --> 00:24:09.140
  • a strategic, well I guess have all of the strengths
  • 00:24:09.140 --> 00:24:12.270
  • at some point, but I don't have a top anything of
  • 00:24:12.270 --> 00:24:17.020
  • strategic or analytical or anything, so he's helped me out
  • 00:24:18.130 --> 00:24:20.240
  • a lot in that, but I really feel like the restorative
  • 00:24:20.240 --> 00:24:24.090
  • is the conversation that comes up where,
  • 00:24:24.090 --> 00:24:27.100
  • "Hey babe, I just want you to listen to me,
  • 00:24:27.100 --> 00:24:30.210
  • "we don't have to have a solution, let's just share
  • 00:24:30.210 --> 00:24:34.070
  • "in this conversation and story together."
  • 00:24:34.070 --> 00:24:37.100
  • And so that comes up for me.
  • 00:24:37.100 --> 00:24:39.060
  • - What I love from this story that you guys are sharing
  • 00:24:39.060 --> 00:24:41.220
  • is how powerfully the strengths language has provided a way
  • 00:24:41.220 --> 00:24:45.270
  • of words, a language for you to be able to communicate
  • 00:24:47.100 --> 00:24:49.230
  • with each other, so that you clearly understand
  • 00:24:49.230 --> 00:24:52.050
  • what's being communicated, what's being said,
  • 00:24:52.050 --> 00:24:54.110
  • and how to understand one another in that way.
  • 00:24:54.110 --> 00:24:57.050
  • And obviously it's brought clarity, understanding,
  • 00:24:57.050 --> 00:25:00.220
  • and it's accelerated the pace of your communication,
  • 00:25:00.220 --> 00:25:04.170
  • like you get me faster, I don't have to say so many words
  • 00:25:04.170 --> 00:25:07.060
  • to be understood.
  • 00:25:07.060 --> 00:25:08.230
  • So I'm very impressed with that, I love the display
  • 00:25:08.230 --> 00:25:11.080
  • that strengths has in your marriage.
  • 00:25:11.080 --> 00:25:13.170
  • Listen guys, we've run out of time, but thank you so much
  • 00:25:13.170 --> 00:25:15.270
  • for joining us today, I'm so grateful that we got
  • 00:25:15.270 --> 00:25:18.130
  • to see you and your marriage, and through the lens
  • 00:25:18.130 --> 00:25:21.070
  • of your strengths that you both share.
  • 00:25:21.070 --> 00:25:22.270
  • - Thank you. - Thank you.
  • 00:25:22.270 --> 00:25:24.270
  • - I love to see stories like that.
  • 00:25:26.020 --> 00:25:27.280
  • That's why we do what we do, and an example of the impact
  • 00:25:27.280 --> 00:25:31.110
  • these powerful resources can have on your marriage.
  • 00:25:31.110 --> 00:25:34.140
  • - Yeah, for example, maybe your number one strength
  • 00:25:34.140 --> 00:25:37.090
  • is empathy, and your spouse's strength is to be restorative.
  • 00:25:37.090 --> 00:25:41.080
  • Being aware of that is so important, because it will
  • 00:25:41.080 --> 00:25:43.190
  • help you to understand how each of you think.
  • 00:25:43.190 --> 00:25:46.070
  • Because while someone who is empathetic will feel
  • 00:25:46.070 --> 00:25:48.280
  • what others are feeling, a restorative spouse will see
  • 00:25:48.280 --> 00:25:51.260
  • a problem, and try to fix it.
  • 00:25:51.260 --> 00:25:54.020
  • They both want there to be resolution and understanding,
  • 00:25:54.020 --> 00:25:57.100
  • peace and growth, but their perspectives are completely
  • 00:25:57.100 --> 00:26:00.180
  • opposite, and, if misunderstood by each other,
  • 00:26:00.180 --> 00:26:03.230
  • can be cause for some really heated discussion.
  • 00:26:03.230 --> 00:26:06.130
  • - But trust me, no matter what situation you're in,
  • 00:26:06.130 --> 00:26:09.170
  • your marriage can thrive in every area, emotionally,
  • 00:26:09.170 --> 00:26:12.260
  • physically, and spiritually.
  • 00:26:12.260 --> 00:26:14.220
  • And we want to help you experience that today.
  • 00:26:14.220 --> 00:26:17.060
  • So request your Strengths Based Marriage resources
  • 00:26:17.060 --> 00:26:19.270
  • with your gift, and discover the principles you need
  • 00:26:19.270 --> 00:26:22.270
  • to see yourself, your spouse, and your marriage,
  • 00:26:22.270 --> 00:26:26.070
  • in a new, amazing way.
  • 00:26:26.070 --> 00:26:28.020
  • - [Announcer] TBN wants you to discover the truth
  • 00:26:29.150 --> 00:26:31.160
  • and principles found in Strengths Based Marriage,
  • 00:26:31.160 --> 00:26:34.010
  • and you will begin to see your relationship with your spouse
  • 00:26:34.010 --> 00:26:36.220
  • in a whole new way.
  • 00:26:36.220 --> 00:26:38.060
  • Call or go online to request this powerful collection today,
  • 00:26:38.060 --> 00:26:41.110
  • with your gift of $120 or more, and as our thank you
  • 00:26:41.110 --> 00:26:44.240
  • for supporting TBN, we will rush these incredible
  • 00:26:44.240 --> 00:26:47.240
  • resources to you, today.
  • 00:26:47.240 --> 00:26:49.260
  • Call 800-626-7454,
  • 00:26:49.260 --> 00:26:53.210
  • or visit TBN.org/StrongMarriage.
  • 00:26:53.210 --> 00:26:56.170
  • - Imagine what might happen if the two of you
  • 00:27:00.180 --> 00:27:02.210
  • had the ability to hear each other's hearts,
  • 00:27:02.210 --> 00:27:04.250
  • and really grasp what the other's trying to say.
  • 00:27:04.250 --> 00:27:07.160
  • We've got some fascinating insights that will help improve
  • 00:27:07.160 --> 00:27:10.020
  • your communication with your spouse, but if you want to
  • 00:27:10.020 --> 00:27:12.220
  • hear what they are, you gotta tune in to the next episode
  • 00:27:12.220 --> 00:27:15.150
  • of Strengths Based Marriage.
  • 00:27:15.150 --> 00:27:17.050
  • I really think you're gonna enjoy what we're covering next,
  • 00:27:17.050 --> 00:27:19.110
  • and we'll see you then.
  • 00:27:19.110 --> 00:27:21.090