Dynamic Differences | TBN

Dynamic Differences

Watch Dynamic Differences
February 26, 2018
27:30

Strengths Based Marriage with Jimmy Evans & Allan Kelsey

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Dynamic Differences

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  • - Since the beginning of time,
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  • marriage has been the foundation of society.
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  • And one of the secrets of success in marriage is
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  • you don't have to marry the perfect person
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  • who's just like you.
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  • - Yeah, you see God has created each of us
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  • with a unique set of strengths that when celebrated,
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  • rather than stifled, can unlock the true potential
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  • of your marriage.
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  • In Strengths Based Marriage, we've drawn from more
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  • than 50 years of research from the Gallop Institute,
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  • combined with over 35 years of experience
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  • in marriage counseling, to develop an
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  • incredibly exciting resource, that can literally
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  • revolutionize your relationship and prepare
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  • you for a life time of passion and intimacy.
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  • And we can't wait to share it with you.
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  • - That's right.
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  • When you learn to recognize and focus
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  • on the strengths of your spouse,
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  • you'll be able to celebrate what's right about them
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  • and value their God given differences, not resent them.
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  • So, join us on this journey to explore how implementing
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  • a strengths based marriage can bring you closer together
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  • than ever before with your spouse.
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  • - [Narrator] Dr. Donald O. Clifton was a forerunner
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  • in positive psychology.
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  • Through his research, he identified 34 universal strengths
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  • that exist within each individual.
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  • Working with Gallop, he developed the
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  • Strengths Finder Assessment, which reveals how our
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  • unique order of strengths affect the way we engage
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  • with the world around us.
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  • Influencing our thoughts, feelings, and behavior.
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  • Thousands of businesses, teams, and churches have harnessed
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  • this strengths based approach to interacting.
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  • Resulting in stronger relationships and greater performance.
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  • So, what happens when you apply these same ideas to your
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  • own personal relationships or even your marriage?
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  • On this journey, you will discover how to thrive
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  • in your strengths, recognize the positive traits
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  • in your partner, and develop your own
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  • strengths based marriage.
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  • (inspirational music)
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  • - I wanna talk to you about how to make your differences
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  • dynamic rather than dangerous, because many people,
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  • when they get married, they don't know how to understand
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  • their differences and because of that, they begin to fight,
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  • begin to judge each other,
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  • begin to try to change each other.
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  • This is what happened to my wife and I when we got married
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  • 44 years ago. We've been married for 44 years.
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  • And when we first got married it was a nightmare.
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  • And I loved her, I was very attracted to her,
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  • she was attracted to me, we got married, and we began
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  • to fight just really, really bad fights, judging each other
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  • and, what I thought was, because she wasn't like me
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  • something was wrong with her, you know.
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  • Because I thought I was like the epicenter of normal,
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  • and if you're not like me then you ain't normal.
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  • Which she was very much unlike me in many areas,
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  • so different and I was different of course.
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  • And, so we fought and we were on the brink of divorce
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  • after several years of marriage.
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  • Really believing that we had made a mistake,
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  • that there was something wrong with both of us.
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  • We both had judged each other so much until we learned
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  • that we were different by God's design and we began
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  • to celebrate our differences.
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  • This is what changed our marriage.
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  • This is why Allan and I wrote the book
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  • on strength based marriage is because
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  • understanding your differences and making them dynamic,
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  • the way that God intended, and not dangerous,
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  • what happens when you don't understand your differences is
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  • what God made in marriage to help us to have a wonderful
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  • what God made in marriage to help us to have a wonderful
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  • fulfilling life and to be a team.
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  • This is how God made marriage.
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  • We're different but we make each other complete.
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  • We come together and we become whole when we celebrate
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  • our differences.
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  • Well, let me give you an example specifically
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  • of some things, areas, that we're different,
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  • and that they're wonderful when you understand it.
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  • First of all, all of our major needs are different.
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  • A woman, and I've taught this all over the world,
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  • hundreds of thousands of people, is that women
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  • number one need is security.
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  • The number two need, that most women have,
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  • is for open and honest communication.
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  • Women want to talk, they want the details not headlines.
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  • They want their husbands to patiently talk to them,
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  • and that's how they connect with their husbands world.
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  • They want soft, non-sexual affection.
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  • And they want leadership, they don't want to be dominated,
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  • but they want their husband to be the loving intiator
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  • of the finances, the children,
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  • the romance, the spirituality,
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  • those areas of the marriage.
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  • So, when a women, when she's happy in marriage
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  • and her needs are getting met, it's because
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  • security, communication, affection, and leadership,
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  • those needs are being met. But, men are not the same.
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  • A man's number one need is respect and honor,
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  • that's the mega need of men.
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  • Secondly is sex, is, I don't think that shocks anyone
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  • and there are some women more sexual than their husbands,
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  • but most men are more sexual than their wives.
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  • The third need of a man, is friendship with his wife.
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  • We like our wife to be our buddy and not our mother.
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  • And so, we want to be friends with our wives.
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  • The fourth is domestic support.
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  • And that doesn't mean that all of the household
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  • responsibilities fall to the wife, it means that only,
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  • only a woman can really turn a house into a home.
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  • It's a gift that women have.
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  • And so even if a woman works outside the home,
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  • a husband wants his wife to be domestically centered.
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  • So, his is, honor, and sex, and friendship,
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  • and domestic support.
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  • So, we're completely different.
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  • Well, when we didn't understand that,
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  • we judged each other and rejected each other,
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  • understand this, when you reject my needs, you reject me.
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  • I mean, we feel rejected, so Karen would say,
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  • "Can't you just hold me?"
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  • I thought, "That's weird."
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  • And she'd say, "Can't you just talk to me?"
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  • And I'd think, "You're nosy."
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  • And so every time she would tell me, you know,
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  • about her needs, I would judge her and reject her,
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  • then I would, you know, tell her,
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  • "I don't like it when you talk to me like that."
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  • And she say, "You're just too sensitive."
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  • And I would say, "I want more sex."
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  • And she'd say, "You're a pervert."
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  • And back and forth, back and forth.
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  • Well, understand this, the surest way to fail is
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  • to try to change the unchangeable. It's unchangeable.
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  • We are different by God's design.
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  • Well, another area that we were very different,
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  • and, was money. We couldn't talk about it.
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  • It was a radioactive issue in our marriage
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  • that we couldn't talk about.
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  • And I didn't know that there were four money languages.
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  • We just see money differently, but your, most of us
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  • are married to someone that just sees money differently.
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  • There's no right or wrong answer,
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  • it's not that it's bad or good, it's just different.
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  • And so, Karen is what's called an Antilytic,
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  • and to her money is security.
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  • And she's very generous, she's very good with money.
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  • But, she likes to save, she's a saver.
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  • I'm an Amiable, I, to me money is love.
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  • We just got back off vacation took our kids to Disneyland,
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  • I love to use money to love,
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  • and to bring our family together,
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  • to do things for people, and of course,
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  • my wife is the same way,
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  • but she's more of a saver, I'm more of a spender.
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  • Well, when we first got married we just had these
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  • horrible fights, because I said,
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  • "You're a tightwad. You're just a tightwad.
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  • "You're gonna die one day, you know,
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  • "with all your money in a mattress
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  • "and no one's gonna like you."
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  • And she said, "Well, at least I'll have a mattress."
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  • And so, with me, she called me a spendthrift, it was just,
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  • I got so mad, and we had these fights,
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  • "You're a tightwad." "You're a spendthrift."
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  • And see, what happens when you feel as though
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  • that your spouse has gone to an extreme,
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  • you'll go to the other extreme to try to balance them out.
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  • So, she, the more she felt like I was spending,
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  • the more she saved.
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  • Well, I didn't like that, so the more I tried to wrestle
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  • the money out of her tight little fist,
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  • the more she would begin rat-holing and hiding money,
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  • and then you just end up at polarities.
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  • Well, what's wrong. Nothing.
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  • We are design, we're a great team,
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  • what a great team, Team Evans is.
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  • We make better decisions together.
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  • You know, we've learned over the years,
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  • see if, there's the old saying,
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  • "If both of you are the same, one of you is unnecessary."
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  • We're different by God's design, we make a great team.
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  • We judged and rejected each other until we realized,
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  • it's just the way that God made us,
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  • and so we come together and make decisions,
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  • and they're balanced. And we respect each other.
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  • When Karen says, "Jimmy, I'd like to save a little
  • 00:08:16.200 --> 00:08:18.280
  • "bit more money." I understand the balance of that.
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  • And I honor that.
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  • When I tell her, "I'd really like to do this
  • 00:08:24.020 --> 00:08:26.030
  • "for our family." She honors that and respects it.
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  • So together we're such a great team,
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  • and I'm saying probably as a couple,
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  • you see money different, that's great.
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  • Well, let me talk about our strengths just a minute.
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  • Allan Kelsey the co-author of Strength Based Marriage,
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  • helped Karen and I a lot.
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  • We had a great marriage, I didn't know that, you know,
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  • our strengths were so different.
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  • So, and we have, you know, a lot of programs we're
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  • going to be talking about this.
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  • My number one strength is achiever.
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  • I'm a get it done guy.
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  • You want to get it done, I'm your guy.
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  • That's the number one thing that drives me.
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  • That's my wife's number 34.
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  • There are only 34 strengths.
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  • So, my number one is her number 34.
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  • My wife's number one is empathy.
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  • And empathy means, you know, caring for people,
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  • and being able to put yourself in other people's shoes,
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  • and just kind of having this, like, supernatural knowledge
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  • of what people are feeling and thinking.
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  • Which is my wife.
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  • That's my number 34. That's my bottom one.
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  • We are exact opposites.
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  • So, we'll have these conversations
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  • before we understood our strengths
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  • we would have these conversations,
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  • and I would say, "Karen, come over here,
  • 00:09:36.180 --> 00:09:37.280
  • "I want to talk to you about this."
  • 00:09:37.280 --> 00:09:39.130
  • And she would say, "I don't want to make a list with you.
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  • "I don't want you to tell me what needs to get done today."
  • 00:09:41.210 --> 00:09:44.170
  • And I just thought, "Well, what else is there in life,
  • 00:09:44.170 --> 00:09:47.260
  • "rather than gettin' things done?"
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  • 'Cause I'm an achiever, I'm a get it done guy.
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  • Everyday I wake up with a knowledge of what I'm gonna
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  • do that day, and I'm gonna check off the list.
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  • But, my wife wakes up everyday to love people.
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  • To take care of me, to take care of our aging parents,
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  • to take care of our grandchildren,
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  • to relate to the people that she cares about.
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  • Well I'm, it's not like I'm an insensitive slob,
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  • it's just, that's my number 34.
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  • But, guess what, God gave me a woman to balance me.
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  • What, we're just such a great team.
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  • We get things done because of me,
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  • I'm saying get things done as far as task oriented,
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  • because my wife's a very hard worker.
  • 00:10:28.160 --> 00:10:30.060
  • But she feels for us. She tells me how I'm feeling.
  • 00:10:30.060 --> 00:10:33.210
  • I mean, we'll be having a conversation,
  • 00:10:33.210 --> 00:10:35.150
  • and she'll say, "What do you think about that?"
  • 00:10:35.150 --> 00:10:37.060
  • And I'll say, "I don't know."
  • 00:10:37.060 --> 00:10:38.130
  • She'll say, "What do you feel about that?"
  • 00:10:38.130 --> 00:10:39.200
  • And I'll say, "I don't know."
  • 00:10:39.200 --> 00:10:41.000
  • 'Cause I'm just, I just don't feel a whole lot,
  • 00:10:41.000 --> 00:10:42.290
  • you know, like she does.
  • 00:10:42.290 --> 00:10:44.110
  • She'll tell me how I'm feeling. And she's always right.
  • 00:10:44.110 --> 00:10:46.180
  • You know, a week or two later I'm just thinking,
  • 00:10:46.180 --> 00:10:48.050
  • "Well, that's exactly how I'm feeling."
  • 00:10:48.050 --> 00:10:49.250
  • She knew two weeks ago how I was feeling.
  • 00:10:49.250 --> 00:10:52.280
  • And what I realized one day is,
  • 00:10:52.280 --> 00:10:55.060
  • I need someone in my life that's not like me.
  • 00:10:55.060 --> 00:10:59.110
  • See, we used to fight and judge each other,
  • 00:11:00.200 --> 00:11:02.110
  • our differences were dangerous.
  • 00:11:02.110 --> 00:11:04.260
  • And we were rejecting and judging each other,
  • 00:11:04.260 --> 00:11:07.240
  • because we didn't understand.
  • 00:11:07.240 --> 00:11:09.190
  • 1st Peter 3 tells men, "Live with your wives
  • 00:11:09.190 --> 00:11:12.250
  • "with understanding, as a fellow heir of the grace of life.
  • 00:11:12.250 --> 00:11:17.000
  • "Lest your prayers be hindered."
  • 00:11:17.260 --> 00:11:19.120
  • And with understanding means respecting her differences,
  • 00:11:19.120 --> 00:11:22.150
  • she's different.
  • 00:11:22.150 --> 00:11:23.290
  • Women love it, they love it when their husband affirms them.
  • 00:11:23.290 --> 00:11:27.200
  • Women love it, they love it when their husband affirms them.
  • 00:11:27.200 --> 00:11:30.100
  • And they say, "Honey, can you hold me?"
  • 00:11:31.140 --> 00:11:33.010
  • And "Honey, I really want you to be around this weekend,
  • 00:11:33.010 --> 00:11:35.180
  • "because I need you to be here with me and the kids."
  • 00:11:35.180 --> 00:11:37.240
  • And he doesn't roll his eyes, and judge her, and reject her,
  • 00:11:37.240 --> 00:11:40.240
  • but he says, "I understand, Honey.
  • 00:11:40.240 --> 00:11:42.070
  • You know, there's nothing more important to me
  • 00:11:42.070 --> 00:11:43.220
  • than just being here with you and meeting your needs.
  • 00:11:43.220 --> 00:11:46.080
  • Making sure that you're taken care of."
  • 00:11:46.080 --> 00:11:47.230
  • Holding her, talking to her, being the leader of the home,
  • 00:11:47.230 --> 00:11:51.100
  • not dominating, treating her as an equal,
  • 00:11:51.100 --> 00:11:53.160
  • but leading her in the home,
  • 00:11:53.160 --> 00:11:55.080
  • she's in heaven, it doesn't get any better than that.
  • 00:11:55.080 --> 00:11:57.270
  • You're affirming her.
  • 00:11:57.270 --> 00:11:59.200
  • If she has a different money language,
  • 00:11:59.200 --> 00:12:01.120
  • you listen, you affirm her.
  • 00:12:01.120 --> 00:12:03.020
  • Her strengths, you understand her strengths,
  • 00:12:03.020 --> 00:12:05.140
  • which is so important, it gave Karen and I
  • 00:12:05.140 --> 00:12:07.230
  • a different language in our marriage
  • 00:12:07.230 --> 00:12:09.290
  • to understand, you know, she has empathy,
  • 00:12:09.290 --> 00:12:12.050
  • I have achiever, we now have a language for that,
  • 00:12:12.050 --> 00:12:15.070
  • and we respect that, and we're a great team.
  • 00:12:15.070 --> 00:12:17.080
  • We're Team Evans.
  • 00:12:17.080 --> 00:12:18.150
  • Our differences are not dangerous,
  • 00:12:18.150 --> 00:12:20.220
  • our differences are awesome.
  • 00:12:20.220 --> 00:12:23.070
  • We are a great team and you need to be thankful
  • 00:12:23.070 --> 00:12:26.020
  • that God didn't give you somebody just like you.
  • 00:12:26.020 --> 00:12:28.110
  • It would be a very boring life.
  • 00:12:28.110 --> 00:12:30.140
  • God gave you someone different.
  • 00:12:30.140 --> 00:12:32.140
  • And understanding those differences,
  • 00:12:32.140 --> 00:12:34.150
  • makes your marriage dynamic.
  • 00:12:34.150 --> 00:12:37.030
  • Let me say this, there are three types of differences
  • 00:12:37.030 --> 00:12:40.130
  • in marriages.
  • 00:12:40.130 --> 00:12:41.210
  • One is rejected, this is how we started out.
  • 00:12:41.210 --> 00:12:44.210
  • We rejected each other's differences, that's the worst.
  • 00:12:44.210 --> 00:12:47.160
  • The next is tolerated, you just, you don't really
  • 00:12:47.160 --> 00:12:50.250
  • celebrate it, you just kind of tolerate it,
  • 00:12:50.250 --> 00:12:52.150
  • you know, roll your eyes, "Women, you can't live with them,
  • 00:12:52.150 --> 00:12:54.290
  • "and you can't live without them." That's tolerating.
  • 00:12:54.290 --> 00:12:58.070
  • The third is celebrating.
  • 00:12:58.070 --> 00:13:00.090
  • This is, this is where we need to be.
  • 00:13:00.090 --> 00:13:02.260
  • We celebrate the fact that we're different.
  • 00:13:02.260 --> 00:13:05.150
  • I celebrate Karen.
  • 00:13:05.150 --> 00:13:07.000
  • 44 years of marriage, 44 years ago, I saw her on the outside
  • 00:13:08.150 --> 00:13:12.010
  • and I thought, "She's hot. Like her.
  • 00:13:13.030 --> 00:13:14.170
  • "I want to spend the rest of my life with her."
  • 00:13:14.170 --> 00:13:16.160
  • But then, she just drove me crazy.
  • 00:13:16.160 --> 00:13:18.160
  • Not because there was something wrong with her,
  • 00:13:18.160 --> 00:13:20.200
  • there was something wrong with me.
  • 00:13:20.200 --> 00:13:22.270
  • I want to encourage you,
  • 00:13:22.270 --> 00:13:24.290
  • learn about the differences in your spouse,
  • 00:13:24.290 --> 00:13:28.070
  • celebrate those differences.
  • 00:13:28.070 --> 00:13:30.030
  • And they will be dynamic and they will lead to a very,
  • 00:13:30.030 --> 00:13:32.260
  • very happy marriage.
  • 00:13:32.260 --> 00:13:34.160
  • - [Female Narrator] T.B.N. wants you to discover the truths
  • 00:13:35.270 --> 00:13:37.120
  • and principles found in Strengths Based Marriage.
  • 00:13:37.120 --> 00:13:39.230
  • And you will begin to see your relationship with your spouse
  • 00:13:39.230 --> 00:13:42.020
  • in a whole new way.
  • 00:13:42.020 --> 00:13:44.000
  • Call or go online to request this powerful collection
  • 00:13:44.000 --> 00:13:46.210
  • today with your gift of $120 or more.
  • 00:13:46.210 --> 00:13:49.260
  • And as our thank you for supporting T.B.N.,
  • 00:13:49.260 --> 00:13:52.070
  • we will rush these incredible resources to you, today.
  • 00:13:52.070 --> 00:13:55.160
  • Call 800-626-7454
  • 00:13:55.160 --> 00:13:59.140
  • or visit TBN.org/StrongMarriage.
  • 00:14:00.120 --> 00:14:03.040
  • - If you're just tuning in,
  • 00:14:06.150 --> 00:14:07.280
  • welcome to Strengths Based Marriage.
  • 00:14:07.280 --> 00:14:10.010
  • We have a guest couple with us today,
  • 00:14:10.010 --> 00:14:11.240
  • let's have a look at how their strengths
  • 00:14:11.240 --> 00:14:13.180
  • influence their marriage.
  • 00:14:13.180 --> 00:14:16.000
  • Today's couple is Jimmy and Karen Evans form Dallas, Texas.
  • 00:14:16.000 --> 00:14:19.220
  • Jimmy's top five strengths are Achiever, Self-Assurance,
  • 00:14:19.220 --> 00:14:23.020
  • Command, Relator, and Learner.
  • 00:14:23.020 --> 00:14:25.290
  • Karen's top five strengths are Empathy, Developer,
  • 00:14:25.290 --> 00:14:29.020
  • Restorative, Responsibility, and Harmony.
  • 00:14:29.020 --> 00:14:32.150
  • - I'm Allan Kelsey and I'm the co-author of
  • 00:14:33.200 --> 00:14:35.200
  • Strengths Based Marriage and I'm really happy to be here
  • 00:14:35.200 --> 00:14:37.220
  • with you, with my lovely bride Stephanie.
  • 00:14:37.220 --> 00:14:39.260
  • - Thank you.
  • 00:14:39.260 --> 00:14:41.030
  • - Hi, Darling, good to have you here.
  • 00:14:41.030 --> 00:14:41.270
  • - Good to be here.
  • 00:14:41.270 --> 00:14:43.030
  • - I always feel stronger when you're present.
  • 00:14:43.030 --> 00:14:44.040
  • Yep. - I like that.
  • 00:14:44.040 --> 00:14:45.200
  • - We've been married 25 years in May.
  • 00:14:45.200 --> 00:14:48.010
  • - Yep.
  • 00:14:48.010 --> 00:14:49.100
  • - So, we're gonna do something special
  • 00:14:49.100 --> 00:14:52.010
  • and we're, have exceptional guests with us today.
  • 00:14:52.010 --> 00:14:54.180
  • The co-author, also, of Strengths Based Marriage,
  • 00:14:54.180 --> 00:14:56.180
  • Jimmy and Karen, thank you so much
  • 00:14:56.180 --> 00:14:57.280
  • for joining us here, today.
  • 00:14:57.280 --> 00:14:59.030
  • - Thank you. - Good to be here.
  • 00:14:59.030 --> 00:15:00.200
  • - We are very excited to be able to have just a short
  • 00:15:00.200 --> 00:15:02.080
  • time to communicate with you about what Strengths
  • 00:15:02.080 --> 00:15:05.090
  • has done in your marriage, and so, I've got some
  • 00:15:05.090 --> 00:15:07.040
  • thoughts for you, I'm just going to get right in there.
  • 00:15:07.040 --> 00:15:09.040
  • - [Jimmy] Good.
  • 00:15:09.040 --> 00:15:10.190
  • - Earlier in the episode you were talking about how
  • 00:15:10.190 --> 00:15:12.250
  • in your early portions of your marriage there was,
  • 00:15:12.250 --> 00:15:15.120
  • you know, you were learning about each other,
  • 00:15:15.120 --> 00:15:17.150
  • but there was also some rejection
  • 00:15:17.150 --> 00:15:18.240
  • of each other along the way.
  • 00:15:18.240 --> 00:15:20.100
  • If you fast forward from that place,
  • 00:15:20.100 --> 00:15:22.170
  • to where you are now, knowing what you do now
  • 00:15:22.170 --> 00:15:24.160
  • about strengths, what kind of problems might that have
  • 00:15:24.160 --> 00:15:27.040
  • solved for you early on in that?
  • 00:15:27.040 --> 00:15:28.260
  • - Oh every, every problem, probably, honestly.
  • 00:15:28.260 --> 00:15:31.250
  • I thought Karen was defective.
  • 00:15:31.250 --> 00:15:34.070
  • - [Karen] Excuse me.
  • 00:15:34.070 --> 00:15:35.140
  • (laughs)
  • 00:15:35.140 --> 00:15:36.090
  • - Well, I did.
  • 00:15:36.090 --> 00:15:37.160
  • - [Stephanie] He knows better now.
  • 00:15:37.160 --> 00:15:38.220
  • - I know.
  • 00:15:38.220 --> 00:15:39.170
  • (laughs)
  • 00:15:39.170 --> 00:15:40.220
  • - Well, I just thought, I thought you were
  • 00:15:40.220 --> 00:15:42.050
  • supposed to be the same.
  • 00:15:42.050 --> 00:15:43.200
  • I thought that compatibility meant that we would be the same
  • 00:15:43.200 --> 00:15:47.250
  • and I thought we're not the same.
  • 00:15:48.280 --> 00:15:50.040
  • In fact, we're just so not the same.
  • 00:15:50.040 --> 00:15:53.200
  • And Karen would feel, I mean, she's,
  • 00:15:53.200 --> 00:15:56.180
  • Empathy is her number one strength, that's my number 34.
  • 00:15:56.180 --> 00:15:59.290
  • And I just thought, "she feels too much.
  • 00:15:59.290 --> 00:16:02.270
  • "She's too emotional." And I would shame it.
  • 00:16:02.270 --> 00:16:06.200
  • And I would say, "You're too emotional, stop it."
  • 00:16:06.200 --> 00:16:09.160
  • Well, it's trying to stop the unstoppable.
  • 00:16:09.160 --> 00:16:12.180
  • You're not gonna do it.
  • 00:16:12.180 --> 00:16:13.260
  • And you're putting a lid on top of steam,
  • 00:16:13.260 --> 00:16:16.140
  • it's going to boil, and that's what happened.
  • 00:16:16.140 --> 00:16:18.180
  • Is that I would just sit there and judge her,
  • 00:16:18.180 --> 00:16:21.140
  • and reject her, and she was being who God made her to be.
  • 00:16:21.140 --> 00:16:25.190
  • And if I would have known that, if I could go back 44 years,
  • 00:16:27.010 --> 00:16:29.190
  • what I would have done is to listen more attentively,
  • 00:16:29.190 --> 00:16:33.160
  • what I would have done is to listen more attentively,
  • 00:16:33.160 --> 00:16:35.140
  • and to affirm her, when she would come to me
  • 00:16:36.180 --> 00:16:38.060
  • and say something, I would say, "That's so brilliant.
  • 00:16:38.060 --> 00:16:40.060
  • "That's so great."
  • 00:16:40.060 --> 00:16:42.130
  • Because Karen is very relationally-oriented,
  • 00:16:42.130 --> 00:16:45.230
  • and I'm very goal-oriented.
  • 00:16:45.230 --> 00:16:47.160
  • I see, I'm relational I love my family, I love God,
  • 00:16:47.160 --> 00:16:51.010
  • you know, but that's not my number one.
  • 00:16:51.010 --> 00:16:53.290
  • That's her num--, she wakes up
  • 00:16:53.290 --> 00:16:54.270
  • in the morning to relate, okay?
  • 00:16:54.270 --> 00:16:57.050
  • And I felt like she was too demanding of me relationally.
  • 00:16:57.050 --> 00:17:01.050
  • And I felt like she was too demanding of me relationally.
  • 00:17:01.050 --> 00:17:03.230
  • I thought her expectations were wrong.
  • 00:17:04.240 --> 00:17:06.090
  • And so, we just fought, and strengths would have changed,
  • 00:17:06.090 --> 00:17:09.210
  • completely, the way that I talked to her,
  • 00:17:09.210 --> 00:17:13.040
  • the way that I listened to her,
  • 00:17:13.040 --> 00:17:15.080
  • the way that I treated her.
  • 00:17:15.080 --> 00:17:17.010
  • I mean, and, and, you know, and we learned about our
  • 00:17:17.010 --> 00:17:19.130
  • strengths about six years ago,
  • 00:17:19.130 --> 00:17:20.160
  • you taught us and you helped us.
  • 00:17:20.160 --> 00:17:23.040
  • And we had a good marriage, but strengths just
  • 00:17:23.040 --> 00:17:25.060
  • took it to the next level.
  • 00:17:25.060 --> 00:17:26.170
  • - Wow, see you said that you really admired him,
  • 00:17:26.170 --> 00:17:29.080
  • even early on when there was some difficulties,
  • 00:17:29.080 --> 00:17:31.110
  • that's, that just shows me that
  • 00:17:31.110 --> 00:17:32.210
  • even in troubled relationships, there's always hope,
  • 00:17:32.210 --> 00:17:35.130
  • isn't there?
  • 00:17:35.130 --> 00:17:36.180
  • (hums in agreement) - Absolutely.
  • 00:17:36.180 --> 00:17:38.010
  • - So, when you're thinking about admiring him,
  • 00:17:38.010 --> 00:17:39.090
  • is it just something you're thinking of,
  • 00:17:39.090 --> 00:17:40.220
  • or were you able to articulate it?
  • 00:17:40.220 --> 00:17:42.170
  • - I've always seen that gift in him.
  • 00:17:42.170 --> 00:17:44.120
  • It's being able to talk, you know,
  • 00:17:44.120 --> 00:17:46.090
  • and he's a great learner,
  • 00:17:46.090 --> 00:17:47.280
  • he knows everything about everything.
  • 00:17:47.280 --> 00:17:50.020
  • And it's not an arrogant thing, he just does.
  • 00:17:50.020 --> 00:17:52.130
  • The whole family's like, "Dad tell us this..."
  • 00:17:52.130 --> 00:17:54.100
  • you know, so we always go to him for information,
  • 00:17:54.100 --> 00:17:57.000
  • 'cause he's always attaining, so I love that.
  • 00:17:57.000 --> 00:17:59.130
  • You know, 'cause I'm not a learner, you know,
  • 00:17:59.130 --> 00:18:01.230
  • I want somebody just to teach me. Tell me.
  • 00:18:01.230 --> 00:18:03.260
  • - Well, that's true you have Learner, right?
  • 00:18:03.260 --> 00:18:04.270
  • - Oh yeah, oh yeah.
  • 00:18:04.270 --> 00:18:06.150
  • What drives him crazy, if I come into the room
  • 00:18:06.150 --> 00:18:08.160
  • and want to talk about, "Jimmy, I just think,
  • 00:18:08.160 --> 00:18:10.070
  • "so and so, so and so, so and so, and I can see this..."
  • 00:18:10.070 --> 00:18:13.020
  • It's like his brain is like, your--
  • 00:18:13.020 --> 00:18:15.090
  • - I can only take so much of that, but she's so good at it.
  • 00:18:15.090 --> 00:18:18.200
  • - That's 'cause that's how I see.
  • 00:18:18.200 --> 00:18:20.150
  • - And in our relationship we're a team,
  • 00:18:20.150 --> 00:18:23.060
  • we really are a team, and when it comes to
  • 00:18:23.060 --> 00:18:25.100
  • relationships and that type of thing,
  • 00:18:25.100 --> 00:18:28.240
  • I just, I can't, I'm just not on that level.
  • 00:18:28.240 --> 00:18:32.170
  • And she'll sit there and talk and I,
  • 00:18:32.170 --> 00:18:35.160
  • I admire it, but use to what I would just say is,
  • 00:18:35.160 --> 00:18:38.280
  • "Leave 'em alone, Karen. Leave everybody alone.
  • 00:18:38.280 --> 00:18:42.020
  • "Why are you up in everybody's business.
  • 00:18:42.020 --> 00:18:43.260
  • "And why are you talking about like that?"
  • 00:18:43.260 --> 00:18:45.050
  • Because I didn't understand it.
  • 00:18:45.050 --> 00:18:47.110
  • Now, I'm just saying, "Thank God I have her in my life,
  • 00:18:47.110 --> 00:18:51.000
  • "because our family, our parents, our friends, every
  • 00:18:51.000 --> 00:18:55.050
  • "relationship in our life is better because of her."
  • 00:18:56.190 --> 00:18:59.090
  • And she keeps the integrity of our home.
  • 00:18:59.090 --> 00:19:03.090
  • And, but with me, I keep us on track
  • 00:19:03.090 --> 00:19:06.090
  • of accomplishing God's purpose.
  • 00:19:07.220 --> 00:19:08.290
  • - [Allan] Sure.
  • 00:19:08.290 --> 00:19:10.020
  • - For us. - [Allan] Good team.
  • 00:19:10.020 --> 00:19:11.170
  • - Yeah, we're a great team, so early on in our marriage we,
  • 00:19:11.170 --> 00:19:14.240
  • Karen, I did greatly admire Karen and she greatly admired me
  • 00:19:16.060 --> 00:19:19.000
  • it was the confusion about our strengths,
  • 00:19:19.000 --> 00:19:22.280
  • that created a lot of conflict, especially with me.
  • 00:19:22.280 --> 00:19:26.010
  • Because I was dominant in trying to change her,
  • 00:19:26.010 --> 00:19:29.030
  • she would tell me how I was feeling.
  • 00:19:29.030 --> 00:19:31.210
  • And, early in our marriage, and she was always
  • 00:19:31.210 --> 00:19:33.270
  • wanting to know how I felt, and I just thought,
  • 00:19:33.270 --> 00:19:35.150
  • "That's a boundary, I'm not telling you how I feel."
  • 00:19:35.150 --> 00:19:39.140
  • Well, of course, women they don't want
  • 00:19:39.140 --> 00:19:41.130
  • you just to communicate, they want to tell you,
  • 00:19:41.130 --> 00:19:42.290
  • they want you to tell your feelings.
  • 00:19:42.290 --> 00:19:44.090
  • - [Allen] Uh huh. - [Stephanie] Yes.
  • 00:19:44.090 --> 00:19:45.080
  • - They want to open up feelings,
  • 00:19:45.080 --> 00:19:46.070
  • well I didn't know my feelings.
  • 00:19:46.070 --> 00:19:47.140
  • - [Stephanie] And then let's go deeper.
  • 00:19:47.140 --> 00:19:48.220
  • - [Jimmy] Yeah and she said one time--
  • 00:19:48.220 --> 00:19:49.190
  • - More? You want more?
  • 00:19:49.190 --> 00:19:51.030
  • - She knew something that happened it my past,
  • 00:19:51.030 --> 00:19:53.130
  • and she said, "That really devastated you."
  • 00:19:53.130 --> 00:19:55.150
  • and I thought, "That didn't devastate me." But, it did.
  • 00:19:55.150 --> 00:19:59.200
  • A couple weeks later I was praying, in my quiet time,
  • 00:20:01.050 --> 00:20:02.280
  • and the Holy Spirit just took me back to what
  • 00:20:02.280 --> 00:20:05.160
  • had happened, it devastated me.
  • 00:20:05.160 --> 00:20:07.290
  • Well, she, but it was, Karen helped to wire me emotionally.
  • 00:20:07.290 --> 00:20:11.160
  • So, a lot of times, what's irritating you about your spouse,
  • 00:20:11.160 --> 00:20:15.070
  • is a strength that you don't understand.
  • 00:20:15.070 --> 00:20:17.130
  • - [Allan] Ah, it's misdiagnosed.
  • 00:20:17.130 --> 00:20:18.190
  • - Not always true.
  • 00:20:18.190 --> 00:20:20.020
  • - And usually your strengths come so easy for you,
  • 00:20:20.020 --> 00:20:21.160
  • that you don't see it the way the other person's
  • 00:20:21.160 --> 00:20:24.200
  • feeling it, you know.
  • 00:20:24.200 --> 00:20:25.270
  • You just think it's a natural thing, you know,
  • 00:20:25.270 --> 00:20:27.260
  • "Everybody should be like this."
  • 00:20:27.260 --> 00:20:29.070
  • - [Allan] Yes. - [Stephanie] Yes.
  • 00:20:29.070 --> 00:20:30.140
  • - But, here's the point, I don't have empathy,
  • 00:20:30.140 --> 00:20:31.270
  • but I have a wife with empathy. So, I have empathy.
  • 00:20:31.270 --> 00:20:33.290
  • Is if I respect her and we act as a team,
  • 00:20:33.290 --> 00:20:37.230
  • but if you try to force me to have empathy,
  • 00:20:37.230 --> 00:20:40.040
  • it's gonna be a bad day.
  • 00:20:40.040 --> 00:20:41.270
  • - Jimmy, bring a little clarity to this idea,
  • 00:20:41.270 --> 00:20:43.120
  • because the Bible says,
  • 00:20:43.120 --> 00:20:44.170
  • "The two are supposed to become one."
  • 00:20:44.170 --> 00:20:46.040
  • And you mentioned earlier, like,
  • 00:20:46.040 --> 00:20:47.200
  • I thought we were supposed to become the same person,
  • 00:20:47.200 --> 00:20:49.050
  • but that's really not what that means.
  • 00:20:49.050 --> 00:20:50.280
  • - Exactly, the misunderstanding, this was a misunderstanding
  • 00:20:50.280 --> 00:20:54.030
  • I had when we got married, I thought compatibility
  • 00:20:54.030 --> 00:20:56.200
  • meant sameness.
  • 00:20:56.200 --> 00:20:58.060
  • See it says, "In the image of God, He created him.
  • 00:20:58.060 --> 00:21:01.100
  • "Male and female, He created them."
  • 00:21:01.100 --> 00:21:04.150
  • And male and female is different. We fit together.
  • 00:21:04.150 --> 00:21:08.180
  • We're very different, but we fit together.
  • 00:21:08.180 --> 00:21:10.150
  • And so, we're different by God's design.
  • 00:21:10.150 --> 00:21:13.060
  • And, a lot of things about us, our needs,
  • 00:21:13.060 --> 00:21:17.110
  • our deepest needs, our strengths, there are many things
  • 00:21:17.110 --> 00:21:20.070
  • that are different.
  • 00:21:20.070 --> 00:21:21.230
  • What you want to marry is your compatible opposite.
  • 00:21:21.230 --> 00:21:24.070
  • But, compatibility is based on shared faith,
  • 00:21:24.070 --> 00:21:27.290
  • shared values, and shared goals, not sameness.
  • 00:21:27.290 --> 00:21:32.030
  • We share Jesus in common.
  • 00:21:33.020 --> 00:21:34.260
  • We have the same character, we have the same values.
  • 00:21:34.260 --> 00:21:38.140
  • We want to go to the same place in life,
  • 00:21:38.140 --> 00:21:40.250
  • in other words, if one person wants to have seven children
  • 00:21:40.250 --> 00:21:43.260
  • and live on a farm, and the other person wants to have
  • 00:21:43.260 --> 00:21:47.170
  • two children and live in Manhattan, you got a problem.
  • 00:21:47.170 --> 00:21:50.140
  • (group agrees)
  • 00:21:50.140 --> 00:21:51.280
  • You may both be Christians, but you don't have shared goals.
  • 00:21:51.280 --> 00:21:55.130
  • Okay, you may have shared character.
  • 00:21:55.130 --> 00:21:57.110
  • But, what you want is compatibility, but if you're
  • 00:21:57.110 --> 00:22:01.020
  • 100% compatible, you're not the same.
  • 00:22:01.020 --> 00:22:04.150
  • And people, and people go online, online dating,
  • 00:22:04.150 --> 00:22:07.260
  • which is great, and they have all those categories,
  • 00:22:07.260 --> 00:22:10.190
  • you know, they, I'm gonna, I want this, this, and this,
  • 00:22:10.190 --> 00:22:13.250
  • and you find person that matches in all your categories,
  • 00:22:13.250 --> 00:22:16.020
  • super deal, you're going to be
  • 00:22:16.020 --> 00:22:17.210
  • very different than that person.
  • 00:22:17.210 --> 00:22:19.090
  • Sometimes, I think that the online dating,
  • 00:22:19.090 --> 00:22:22.130
  • though it's fine, it's great, great way to meet people,
  • 00:22:22.130 --> 00:22:25.040
  • is, it can set a person up for wrong expectations.
  • 00:22:25.040 --> 00:22:28.230
  • Because we were compatible online, we're just gonna
  • 00:22:28.230 --> 00:22:32.270
  • Because we were compatible online, we're just gonna
  • 00:22:32.270 --> 00:22:34.110
  • have the same thoughts and finish each other's sentences,
  • 00:22:34.110 --> 00:22:36.180
  • and be in a eternal mind meld, it's not gonna happen.
  • 00:22:36.180 --> 00:22:40.000
  • You're gonna be very, very different,
  • 00:22:40.000 --> 00:22:41.200
  • and so, what I love about strengths, Allan what you say,
  • 00:22:41.200 --> 00:22:45.010
  • is your top five strengths there's only
  • 00:22:45.010 --> 00:22:48.170
  • one in 30 million people.
  • 00:22:48.170 --> 00:22:50.010
  • - [Allan] That's right, that's right.
  • 00:22:50.010 --> 00:22:51.260
  • - So, it's almost impossible to marry a person
  • 00:22:51.260 --> 00:22:56.010
  • just like you.
  • 00:22:56.190 --> 00:22:57.090
  • - [Allan] Yeah.
  • 00:22:57.090 --> 00:22:58.070
  • - It virtually is impossible.
  • 00:22:58.070 --> 00:22:59.120
  • And that's not wrong, that's right.
  • 00:22:59.120 --> 00:23:01.010
  • But, if you celebrate it, it's beautiful.
  • 00:23:01.010 --> 00:23:04.080
  • Y'all do, we do, okay?
  • 00:23:04.080 --> 00:23:06.100
  • And especially when you have to understand it,
  • 00:23:06.100 --> 00:23:08.250
  • and then you celebrate it, when you reject it,
  • 00:23:08.250 --> 00:23:11.180
  • it's devastation, because when you come to me
  • 00:23:11.180 --> 00:23:15.130
  • and you reject who I am, because we're wired this way
  • 00:23:15.130 --> 00:23:19.180
  • from birth, when I wake up in the morning,
  • 00:23:20.210 --> 00:23:21.280
  • I don't have to make myself be an achiever.
  • 00:23:21.280 --> 00:23:22.280
  • - [Allan] Yeah.
  • 00:23:22.280 --> 00:23:23.260
  • - Or a learner.
  • 00:23:23.260 --> 00:23:25.030
  • - When my feet hit the floor, I'm ready to go.
  • 00:23:25.030 --> 00:23:26.140
  • - Absolutely.
  • 00:23:26.140 --> 00:23:27.270
  • Karen doesn't have to talk herself in to being empathetic,
  • 00:23:27.270 --> 00:23:29.290
  • and to caring about people, like Stephanie.
  • 00:23:29.290 --> 00:23:33.040
  • But, if you try to shut it off,
  • 00:23:33.040 --> 00:23:35.110
  • oh, that's a real problem.
  • 00:23:35.110 --> 00:23:37.000
  • - [Allan] Yeah.
  • 00:23:37.000 --> 00:23:38.130
  • - 'Cause now, you're rejecting the essence of who I am.
  • 00:23:38.130 --> 00:23:41.090
  • And I think, I believe that strengths,
  • 00:23:41.090 --> 00:23:44.080
  • 'cause we've done marriage ministry for 35 years,
  • 00:23:44.080 --> 00:23:47.090
  • I believe that Strengths is, it gives a language
  • 00:23:47.090 --> 00:23:51.030
  • to our differences, and an understanding to our differences
  • 00:23:51.030 --> 00:23:55.030
  • like nothing I've ever seen.
  • 00:23:55.030 --> 00:23:56.080
  • - Karen, anything you want to...
  • 00:23:56.080 --> 00:23:57.220
  • - I have a question, 'cause you're so good at this.
  • 00:23:57.220 --> 00:24:00.210
  • I was thinking as we're talking about friendships,
  • 00:24:00.210 --> 00:24:03.170
  • you know, like you and Jimmy, you're friends,
  • 00:24:03.170 --> 00:24:06.010
  • and her and I are, you know, the friends that we have
  • 00:24:06.010 --> 00:24:08.110
  • outside of this, you know, and I'm thinking
  • 00:24:08.110 --> 00:24:10.050
  • I really don't have that many friends,
  • 00:24:10.050 --> 00:24:11.160
  • I can think of, that have empathy.
  • 00:24:11.160 --> 00:24:13.110
  • and I think it's interesting that as friends even,
  • 00:24:13.110 --> 00:24:15.260
  • if you look at the friends that you have around you,
  • 00:24:15.260 --> 00:24:18.060
  • they don't, probably, have your top two or three.
  • 00:24:18.060 --> 00:24:21.170
  • You know, like he's not best friends with a bunch of
  • 00:24:21.170 --> 00:24:23.100
  • achievers, 'cause how boring would that be? (laughs)
  • 00:24:23.100 --> 00:24:26.070
  • - [Allan] I know this person already.
  • 00:24:26.070 --> 00:24:27.210
  • - Yeah, so I think back to, you know,
  • 00:24:27.210 --> 00:24:29.120
  • how many times in a marriage,
  • 00:24:29.120 --> 00:24:31.020
  • before you get married and you're producing
  • 00:24:31.020 --> 00:24:33.080
  • a friendship first, and how that is, you know,
  • 00:24:33.080 --> 00:24:37.010
  • what you start on and you remember, it's built on things
  • 00:24:37.010 --> 00:24:40.090
  • that you really liked about each other.
  • 00:24:40.090 --> 00:24:42.140
  • (group agrees)
  • 00:24:42.140 --> 00:24:43.270
  • - And that's a great point, because it's not just
  • 00:24:43.270 --> 00:24:45.090
  • about your marriage.
  • 00:24:45.090 --> 00:24:46.130
  • It's about your children, your friends,
  • 00:24:46.130 --> 00:24:48.170
  • everyone has strengths.
  • 00:24:48.170 --> 00:24:50.250
  • - It's really true.
  • 00:24:50.250 --> 00:24:52.110
  • These strengths make their way into so many different
  • 00:24:52.110 --> 00:24:54.110
  • elements of our lives, not just marriage or relationships.
  • 00:24:54.110 --> 00:24:58.130
  • Jimmy, Karen, thank you so much for--
  • 00:24:58.130 --> 00:25:00.170
  • - Thank you.
  • 00:25:00.170 --> 00:25:01.270
  • - [Allan] Joining us today. - It was so fun.
  • 00:25:01.270 --> 00:25:03.130
  • - [Allan] Real pleasure to spend some time with you.
  • 00:25:03.130 --> 00:25:05.130
  • - I love to see stories like that,
  • 00:25:05.130 --> 00:25:07.080
  • that's why we do what we do and an example of the impact
  • 00:25:07.080 --> 00:25:10.230
  • these powerful resources can have on your marriage.
  • 00:25:10.230 --> 00:25:13.210
  • - Yeah, for example, maybe your number one strength
  • 00:25:13.210 --> 00:25:16.220
  • is empathy and your spouses strength is to be restorative,
  • 00:25:16.220 --> 00:25:20.140
  • being aware of that is so important,
  • 00:25:20.140 --> 00:25:22.200
  • because it will help you to understand
  • 00:25:22.200 --> 00:25:24.020
  • how each of you think.
  • 00:25:24.020 --> 00:25:25.210
  • Because while someone who is empathetic will feel what
  • 00:25:25.210 --> 00:25:28.130
  • others are feeling, a restorative spouse will see a problem,
  • 00:25:28.130 --> 00:25:31.230
  • and try to fix it.
  • 00:25:31.230 --> 00:25:33.070
  • They both want there to be resolution and understanding,
  • 00:25:33.070 --> 00:25:36.230
  • peace and growth, but their perspectives are completely
  • 00:25:36.230 --> 00:25:39.250
  • opposite and if misunderstood by each other,
  • 00:25:39.250 --> 00:25:42.270
  • can be cause for some really heated discussion.
  • 00:25:42.270 --> 00:25:45.170
  • - But trust me, no matter what situation you're in,
  • 00:25:45.170 --> 00:25:48.230
  • your marriage can thrive in every area,
  • 00:25:48.230 --> 00:25:51.230
  • emotionally, physically, and spiritually,
  • 00:25:51.230 --> 00:25:53.280
  • and we want to help you experience that, today.
  • 00:25:53.280 --> 00:25:56.160
  • So, request your Strengths Based Marriage resources
  • 00:25:56.160 --> 00:25:59.130
  • with your gift and discover the principles you need
  • 00:25:59.130 --> 00:26:02.090
  • to see yourself, your spouse, and your marriage
  • 00:26:02.090 --> 00:26:05.150
  • in a new, amazing way.
  • 00:26:05.150 --> 00:26:07.100
  • - [Female Narrator] T.B.N. wants you to discover the
  • 00:26:08.240 --> 00:26:10.130
  • truths and principles found in Strengths Based Marriage,
  • 00:26:10.130 --> 00:26:13.110
  • and you will begin to see your relationship with your spouse
  • 00:26:13.110 --> 00:26:15.240
  • in a whole new way.
  • 00:26:15.240 --> 00:26:17.090
  • Call or go online to request this powerful collection,
  • 00:26:17.090 --> 00:26:20.040
  • today with your gift of $120 or more,
  • 00:26:20.040 --> 00:26:23.020
  • and as our thank you for supporting T.B.N.
  • 00:26:23.020 --> 00:26:25.170
  • We will rush these incredible resources to you, today.
  • 00:26:25.170 --> 00:26:28.290
  • Call 800-626-7454
  • 00:26:28.290 --> 00:26:33.010
  • or visit TBN.org/StrongMarriage.
  • 00:26:33.010 --> 00:26:36.180
  • - I hope you learned something from the struggles
  • 00:26:39.180 --> 00:26:42.050
  • and ultimate success that Karen and I have experienced,
  • 00:26:42.050 --> 00:26:45.040
  • by recognizing that we were two wounded individuals
  • 00:26:45.040 --> 00:26:48.220
  • that God wanted to use in each other's lives,
  • 00:26:48.220 --> 00:26:51.100
  • to bring wholeness and healing.
  • 00:26:51.100 --> 00:26:53.220
  • We've got to stop rejecting our spouses and begin
  • 00:26:53.220 --> 00:26:56.070
  • to recognize that our differences are a necessary
  • 00:26:56.070 --> 00:26:59.040
  • component of team work.
  • 00:26:59.040 --> 00:27:00.250
  • One of the ways that we can do that is learn
  • 00:27:00.250 --> 00:27:02.200
  • how to really affirm our partners.
  • 00:27:02.200 --> 00:27:04.190
  • - So, tune in next time to explore the importance
  • 00:27:04.190 --> 00:27:07.020
  • of affirmation and the power we hold
  • 00:27:07.020 --> 00:27:09.090
  • to make our spouses feel treasured and appreciated.
  • 00:27:09.090 --> 00:27:12.250
  • There is hope for every marriage.
  • 00:27:12.250 --> 00:27:15.020
  • And it begins, with following God's plan,
  • 00:27:15.020 --> 00:27:17.230
  • and embracing the revelations we'll discover
  • 00:27:17.230 --> 00:27:20.050
  • on the next episode of Strengths Based Marriage.
  • 00:27:20.050 --> 00:27:23.040
  • See you next time.
  • 00:27:23.040 --> 00:27:24.190