Affirmation | TBN

Affirmation

Watch Affirmation
March 5, 2018
27:30

Strengths Based Marriage with Jimmy Evans & Allan Kelsey

Closed captions

Affirmation

Show timecode
Hide timecode
  • - Since the beginning of time
  • 00:00:00.240 --> 00:00:02.030
  • marriage has been the foundation of society.
  • 00:00:02.030 --> 00:00:04.060
  • And, one of the secrets of success in marriage
  • 00:00:04.060 --> 00:00:06.160
  • is, you don't have to marry the perfect person,
  • 00:00:06.160 --> 00:00:09.000
  • who's just like you.
  • 00:00:09.000 --> 00:00:10.110
  • - Yeah, you see, God has created each of us
  • 00:00:10.110 --> 00:00:12.200
  • with a unique set of strengths
  • 00:00:12.200 --> 00:00:14.100
  • that when celebrated rather than stifled,
  • 00:00:14.100 --> 00:00:17.180
  • can unlock the true potential of your marriage.
  • 00:00:17.180 --> 00:00:20.110
  • In "Strengths Based Marriage,"
  • 00:00:20.110 --> 00:00:22.000
  • we've drawn from more than 50 years of research
  • 00:00:22.000 --> 00:00:24.180
  • from the Gallup Institute
  • 00:00:24.180 --> 00:00:26.140
  • combined with over 35 years of experience
  • 00:00:26.140 --> 00:00:28.130
  • in marriage counseling,
  • 00:00:28.130 --> 00:00:30.050
  • to develop an incredibly exciting resource
  • 00:00:30.050 --> 00:00:32.060
  • that can literally revolutionize your relationship,
  • 00:00:32.060 --> 00:00:34.230
  • and prepare you for a lifetime of passion and intimacy,
  • 00:00:34.230 --> 00:00:38.120
  • and we can't wait to share it with you.
  • 00:00:38.120 --> 00:00:40.020
  • - That's right.
  • 00:00:40.020 --> 00:00:41.090
  • When you learn to recognize and focus
  • 00:00:41.090 --> 00:00:43.000
  • on the strengths of your spouse,
  • 00:00:43.000 --> 00:00:44.280
  • you'll be able to celebrate what's right about them,
  • 00:00:44.280 --> 00:00:48.080
  • and value their God-given differences, not resent them.
  • 00:00:48.080 --> 00:00:51.290
  • So, join us on this journey to explore
  • 00:00:51.290 --> 00:00:53.220
  • how implementing a strengths-based marriage,
  • 00:00:53.220 --> 00:00:56.120
  • can bring you closer together than ever before
  • 00:00:56.120 --> 00:00:59.240
  • with your spouse.
  • 00:00:59.240 --> 00:01:01.090
  • - [Narrator] Doctor Donald O. Clifton
  • 00:01:02.200 --> 00:01:04.060
  • was a forerunner in positive psychology.
  • 00:01:04.060 --> 00:01:07.020
  • Through his research,
  • 00:01:07.020 --> 00:01:08.140
  • he identified 34 universal strengths
  • 00:01:08.140 --> 00:01:11.010
  • that exist within each individual.
  • 00:01:11.010 --> 00:01:13.290
  • Working with Gallup, he developed the
  • 00:01:13.290 --> 00:01:15.170
  • Strengths Finder Assessment,
  • 00:01:15.170 --> 00:01:17.070
  • which reveals how our unique order of strengths
  • 00:01:17.070 --> 00:01:20.080
  • affect the way we engage with the world around us,
  • 00:01:20.080 --> 00:01:22.240
  • influencing our thoughts, feelings and behavior.
  • 00:01:22.240 --> 00:01:26.150
  • Thousands of businesses, teams and churches
  • 00:01:26.150 --> 00:01:29.020
  • have harnessed this strengths-based approach
  • 00:01:29.020 --> 00:01:31.090
  • to interacting, resulting in stronger relationships
  • 00:01:31.090 --> 00:01:34.160
  • and greater performance.
  • 00:01:34.160 --> 00:01:36.150
  • So, what happens when you apply these same ideas
  • 00:01:36.150 --> 00:01:38.250
  • to your own personal relationships?
  • 00:01:38.250 --> 00:01:41.090
  • Or, even your marriage?
  • 00:01:41.090 --> 00:01:43.040
  • On this journey,
  • 00:01:43.040 --> 00:01:44.190
  • you will discover how to thrive in your strengths,
  • 00:01:44.190 --> 00:01:46.250
  • recognize the positive traits in your partner,
  • 00:01:46.250 --> 00:01:49.120
  • and develop your own strengths-based marriage.
  • 00:01:49.120 --> 00:01:53.050
  • (dramatic music)
  • 00:01:53.050 --> 00:01:56.190
  • - So, I'm on my way home from work,
  • 00:01:56.190 --> 00:01:58.180
  • and my lovely bride, Stephanie,
  • 00:01:58.180 --> 00:02:00.180
  • calls me and says,
  • 00:02:00.180 --> 00:02:01.240
  • "Listen, we're running out of milk,
  • 00:02:01.240 --> 00:02:03.100
  • "would you swing by the store and pick it up?"
  • 00:02:03.100 --> 00:02:05.000
  • I said,
  • 00:02:05.000 --> 00:02:05.250
  • "Yes, of course."
  • 00:02:05.250 --> 00:02:06.200
  • It's easy for me to do,
  • 00:02:06.200 --> 00:02:08.050
  • it's convenient on the way home.
  • 00:02:08.050 --> 00:02:09.140
  • So, I pull into this store,
  • 00:02:09.140 --> 00:02:10.200
  • I go in, find the refrigerated section.
  • 00:02:10.200 --> 00:02:12.230
  • By the way, have you always noticed,
  • 00:02:12.230 --> 00:02:14.110
  • the milk's always in the back,
  • 00:02:14.110 --> 00:02:16.020
  • and they make you go all the way to the back of the store,
  • 00:02:16.020 --> 00:02:17.200
  • it's never right there.
  • 00:02:17.200 --> 00:02:18.270
  • Anyway, so I go all the way back,
  • 00:02:18.270 --> 00:02:20.050
  • get to the refrigerator, I open the door,
  • 00:02:20.050 --> 00:02:22.010
  • and one of my co-workers is right there.
  • 00:02:22.010 --> 00:02:25.150
  • Her name is, Jenee.
  • 00:02:25.150 --> 00:02:26.170
  • So, I see her and I'm like,
  • 00:02:26.170 --> 00:02:27.280
  • "Oh, Jenee, how are you doing?"
  • 00:02:27.280 --> 00:02:29.060
  • We chit-chat for a couple of seconds,
  • 00:02:29.060 --> 00:02:30.150
  • I grab my milk, I head to the counter,
  • 00:02:30.150 --> 00:02:32.290
  • pay for the milk and head home.
  • 00:02:32.290 --> 00:02:35.190
  • So, I get to the house and Stephanie's waiting for me,
  • 00:02:35.190 --> 00:02:38.290
  • she's there, she's doing some meal preparation
  • 00:02:38.290 --> 00:02:41.070
  • and working with the girls, our kids.
  • 00:02:41.070 --> 00:02:43.180
  • And, she says to me, what she normally does, which is,
  • 00:02:43.180 --> 00:02:46.130
  • "How are you, honey?
  • 00:02:46.130 --> 00:02:48.040
  • "How was your day?
  • 00:02:48.040 --> 00:02:49.010
  • "What can you tell me?"
  • 00:02:49.010 --> 00:02:50.130
  • She's basically inviting communication.
  • 00:02:50.130 --> 00:02:52.210
  • Wanting to hear from me, what's going on.
  • 00:02:52.210 --> 00:02:55.260
  • And, as I'm putting the milk away,
  • 00:02:55.260 --> 00:02:57.260
  • I'm just kind of, telling her about my day.
  • 00:02:57.260 --> 00:02:59.220
  • You know,
  • 00:02:59.220 --> 00:03:00.180
  • "This is what happened,
  • 00:03:00.180 --> 00:03:01.160
  • "and then this is what happened,
  • 00:03:01.160 --> 00:03:02.150
  • "and I had this meeting,
  • 00:03:02.150 --> 00:03:03.170
  • "and then I was on my way home,
  • 00:03:03.170 --> 00:03:04.260
  • "and then you called me to get the milk,
  • 00:03:04.260 --> 00:03:06.110
  • "so I went there and I saw Jenee at the counter,
  • 00:03:06.110 --> 00:03:08.190
  • "and I got the milk, and then I went home."
  • 00:03:08.190 --> 00:03:10.270
  • And, so she's like,
  • 00:03:10.270 --> 00:03:13.090
  • "Okay, whoa, whoa, whoa.
  • 00:03:13.090 --> 00:03:14.220
  • "Who did you see?"
  • 00:03:14.220 --> 00:03:16.170
  • So, now she's zeroed in on a particular piece
  • 00:03:16.170 --> 00:03:19.060
  • of my communication and she's hunting for details.
  • 00:03:19.060 --> 00:03:21.250
  • And, she starts asking me all these questions.
  • 00:03:21.250 --> 00:03:24.150
  • "Who was by the refrigerator?
  • 00:03:24.150 --> 00:03:26.110
  • "It was Jenee."
  • 00:03:26.110 --> 00:03:27.160
  • "What were you guys talking about?
  • 00:03:27.160 --> 00:03:28.140
  • "Where were you standing?
  • 00:03:28.140 --> 00:03:29.210
  • "How long were you standing there?
  • 00:03:29.210 --> 00:03:30.270
  • "What was the topic of conversation?
  • 00:03:30.270 --> 00:03:32.260
  • "Was she leaving?
  • 00:03:32.260 --> 00:03:33.240
  • "Did she have a big basket?
  • 00:03:33.240 --> 00:03:35.010
  • She's got all these questions for me,
  • 00:03:35.010 --> 00:03:37.120
  • and in my mind, I've got this dialog going,
  • 00:03:37.120 --> 00:03:40.020
  • and I'm thinking to myself,
  • 00:03:40.020 --> 00:03:41.170
  • "Why is this the Spanish Inquisition, right now?
  • 00:03:41.170 --> 00:03:44.100
  • "Why do I have all these questions,
  • 00:03:44.100 --> 00:03:46.130
  • "and what is this?
  • 00:03:46.130 --> 00:03:49.100
  • "She probably suspects something is going on here.
  • 00:03:50.210 --> 00:03:53.080
  • "Wait, does she think I'm fooling around with her,
  • 00:03:53.080 --> 00:03:57.020
  • "like, what is that?
  • 00:03:57.020 --> 00:03:58.220
  • "Why is she asking me all these questions?
  • 00:03:58.220 --> 00:04:00.150
  • "I don't understand."
  • 00:04:00.150 --> 00:04:01.170
  • I start to get defensive.
  • 00:04:01.170 --> 00:04:03.130
  • I start this crazy set of ideas.
  • 00:04:03.130 --> 00:04:05.220
  • Starts to roll through my head
  • 00:04:05.220 --> 00:04:07.040
  • of what is motivating this persistent
  • 00:04:07.040 --> 00:04:09.260
  • line of questioning?
  • 00:04:09.260 --> 00:04:12.030
  • And, I start raising my tone,
  • 00:04:12.030 --> 00:04:14.060
  • raising the quality of what I'm saying.
  • 00:04:14.060 --> 00:04:16.160
  • I'm pushing back on her,
  • 00:04:16.160 --> 00:04:18.030
  • I'm becoming defensive.
  • 00:04:18.030 --> 00:04:19.160
  • She starts saying to herself,
  • 00:04:19.160 --> 00:04:21.180
  • "Well, wait a second.
  • 00:04:21.180 --> 00:04:23.020
  • "Why is he not telling me what's happening here?
  • 00:04:23.020 --> 00:04:24.050
  • "Is he withholding from me?
  • 00:04:24.050 --> 00:04:25.160
  • "There's details here, I need.
  • 00:04:25.160 --> 00:04:26.240
  • "Why won't you tell me what's going on?
  • 00:04:26.240 --> 00:04:28.180
  • "Are you covering something?
  • 00:04:28.180 --> 00:04:29.270
  • "Oh my gosh."
  • 00:04:29.270 --> 00:04:31.100
  • And, pretty soon this thing just explodes, right.
  • 00:04:31.100 --> 00:04:33.090
  • It just gets all the way out of control,
  • 00:04:33.090 --> 00:04:35.030
  • and it becomes a big deal,
  • 00:04:35.030 --> 00:04:37.220
  • that we have to take time to sit down,
  • 00:04:37.220 --> 00:04:39.120
  • and work out and everything.
  • 00:04:39.120 --> 00:04:40.240
  • And, it's a mess.
  • 00:04:40.240 --> 00:04:42.070
  • This is a very real,
  • 00:04:44.200 --> 00:04:46.140
  • very possible scenario in an average marriage.
  • 00:04:46.140 --> 00:04:49.260
  • And, it starts with,
  • 00:04:49.260 --> 00:04:51.040
  • the littlest, most normal thing.
  • 00:04:51.040 --> 00:04:53.290
  • And, what's behind it all,
  • 00:04:53.290 --> 00:04:55.220
  • is actually a completely normal, and good,
  • 00:04:55.220 --> 00:04:59.010
  • and healthy strength that's motivating all of this,
  • 00:04:59.010 --> 00:05:02.050
  • and the only problem is,
  • 00:05:02.050 --> 00:05:03.150
  • we don't know this is what's happening,
  • 00:05:03.150 --> 00:05:05.200
  • so we misdiagnose the situation.
  • 00:05:05.200 --> 00:05:08.070
  • See, Stephanie has connectedness,
  • 00:05:08.070 --> 00:05:10.070
  • and what connectedness does is,
  • 00:05:10.070 --> 00:05:12.040
  • it looks to weave together
  • 00:05:12.040 --> 00:05:14.210
  • all of these crazy, random facts from the day,
  • 00:05:14.210 --> 00:05:17.210
  • and form a story out of them,
  • 00:05:17.210 --> 00:05:19.080
  • because people with connectedness know,
  • 00:05:19.080 --> 00:05:21.110
  • that nothing happens by coincidence,
  • 00:05:21.110 --> 00:05:23.160
  • everything happens for a reason,
  • 00:05:23.160 --> 00:05:25.120
  • and there's a story behind it all.
  • 00:05:25.120 --> 00:05:27.130
  • Then, when you add the fact that
  • 00:05:27.130 --> 00:05:28.110
  • this is a woman of faith,
  • 00:05:28.110 --> 00:05:29.190
  • who knows that God is involved in our lives,
  • 00:05:29.190 --> 00:05:31.260
  • then it is not a coincidence that I happened to meet Jenee.
  • 00:05:31.260 --> 00:05:35.230
  • So, what she's looking for,
  • 00:05:35.230 --> 00:05:37.110
  • is to try to understand where the God-moment was
  • 00:05:37.110 --> 00:05:41.160
  • in that interaction.
  • 00:05:42.080 --> 00:05:43.020
  • And, so, she's hunting.
  • 00:05:43.020 --> 00:05:44.100
  • She's hunting for details.
  • 00:05:44.100 --> 00:05:45.240
  • She wants to fill in the rest of the story.
  • 00:05:45.240 --> 00:05:47.180
  • She wants to see the big picture.
  • 00:05:47.180 --> 00:05:49.210
  • She wants to see God, in that moment.
  • 00:05:49.210 --> 00:05:52.230
  • And, I don't understand it.
  • 00:05:54.020 --> 00:05:55.210
  • I'm misdiagnosing it completely.
  • 00:05:55.210 --> 00:05:57.210
  • I think she's suspicious of me and Jenee.
  • 00:05:57.210 --> 00:06:01.010
  • How ridiculous is that?
  • 00:06:01.010 --> 00:06:02.180
  • How far is that from the truth?
  • 00:06:02.180 --> 00:06:04.150
  • It's nothing like what's really going on,
  • 00:06:04.150 --> 00:06:06.270
  • but it's so easy for that to become the reality.
  • 00:06:06.270 --> 00:06:10.040
  • So, do you see what I'm saying?
  • 00:06:10.040 --> 00:06:11.190
  • Connectedness is at the root of her questions.
  • 00:06:11.190 --> 00:06:15.010
  • Her questions are sourced in a heart
  • 00:06:15.010 --> 00:06:16.250
  • that is open and loving.
  • 00:06:16.250 --> 00:06:18.100
  • "Honey, tell me about your day.
  • 00:06:18.100 --> 00:06:19.170
  • "Oh, you saw Jenee, this is fantastic.
  • 00:06:19.170 --> 00:06:21.150
  • "There's a God-moment here.
  • 00:06:21.150 --> 00:06:22.260
  • "This feels like it's not random.
  • 00:06:22.260 --> 00:06:24.190
  • "I wanna know what it is."
  • 00:06:24.190 --> 00:06:25.280
  • And, on the other end of it,
  • 00:06:25.280 --> 00:06:27.140
  • I'm just getting all defensive and all this.
  • 00:06:27.140 --> 00:06:28.290
  • It's crazy.
  • 00:06:28.290 --> 00:06:30.090
  • This is what happens
  • 00:06:30.090 --> 00:06:31.200
  • when we don't understand our strengths.
  • 00:06:31.200 --> 00:06:33.040
  • This is what goes on
  • 00:06:33.040 --> 00:06:34.140
  • when we don't know how to call it out,
  • 00:06:34.140 --> 00:06:36.010
  • see it for what it is, and call it good.
  • 00:06:36.010 --> 00:06:39.100
  • It changes the quality of your interactions.
  • 00:06:39.100 --> 00:06:42.230
  • So, later,
  • 00:06:42.230 --> 00:06:44.050
  • we're going through this conversation,
  • 00:06:44.050 --> 00:06:45.200
  • we finally work it out,
  • 00:06:45.200 --> 00:06:47.030
  • it takes us forever, it's late in the evening,
  • 00:06:47.030 --> 00:06:49.180
  • and in parting, she offers this statement to me,
  • 00:06:49.180 --> 00:06:53.230
  • "You know, I just feel invisible in this house."
  • 00:06:55.050 --> 00:06:57.140
  • And, I realize, that that is a more meaningful statement,
  • 00:06:57.140 --> 00:07:01.200
  • than I've ever really understood her say before.
  • 00:07:01.200 --> 00:07:04.020
  • What she's saying is,
  • 00:07:04.020 --> 00:07:05.140
  • "I don't feel seen.
  • 00:07:05.140 --> 00:07:07.230
  • "The kind's of things you do,
  • 00:07:07.230 --> 00:07:10.030
  • "and the kinds of things you say, Allan,
  • 00:07:10.030 --> 00:07:12.070
  • "they don't let me feel like you really see me.
  • 00:07:12.070 --> 00:07:16.120
  • "You acknowledge my presence,
  • 00:07:17.080 --> 00:07:18.200
  • "you respond to what I do,
  • 00:07:18.200 --> 00:07:20.150
  • "but you don't really see me."
  • 00:07:20.150 --> 00:07:23.060
  • So, this leads me to
  • 00:07:23.060 --> 00:07:24.120
  • the real reason I wanna talk with you today,
  • 00:07:24.120 --> 00:07:26.060
  • and it's the difference between praise and affirmation.
  • 00:07:26.060 --> 00:07:29.210
  • See, praise has everything to do
  • 00:07:29.210 --> 00:07:32.020
  • with what you just did.
  • 00:07:32.020 --> 00:07:33.080
  • It's specifically targeted at an action.
  • 00:07:33.080 --> 00:07:36.040
  • So, if an amazing vocalist gets up on a platform,
  • 00:07:36.040 --> 00:07:39.270
  • and delivers this amazing song,
  • 00:07:39.270 --> 00:07:41.180
  • what do we do when it's over?
  • 00:07:41.180 --> 00:07:43.000
  • We clap for them.
  • 00:07:43.000 --> 00:07:44.000
  • What is that?
  • 00:07:44.000 --> 00:07:45.070
  • It's praise, because it's aimed directly at
  • 00:07:45.070 --> 00:07:47.060
  • the activity that just happened.
  • 00:07:47.060 --> 00:07:49.030
  • It's a recognition.
  • 00:07:49.030 --> 00:07:50.100
  • It says,
  • 00:07:50.100 --> 00:07:51.050
  • "Hey, good job.
  • 00:07:51.050 --> 00:07:52.020
  • "Thank you."
  • 00:07:52.020 --> 00:07:53.170
  • As believers, if it happens to be in a church experience,
  • 00:07:53.170 --> 00:07:55.250
  • then we're gonna be clapping
  • 00:07:55.250 --> 00:07:58.020
  • and part of what we're doing is saying,
  • 00:07:58.020 --> 00:07:59.120
  • "Hey, we wanna honor you for the work you've done
  • 00:07:59.120 --> 00:08:01.240
  • "to develop this capacity.
  • 00:08:01.240 --> 00:08:03.130
  • "It's a talent, you've made it stronger,
  • 00:08:03.130 --> 00:08:04.220
  • "we're great for that."
  • 00:08:04.220 --> 00:08:06.120
  • We're also saying to God,
  • 00:08:06.120 --> 00:08:07.260
  • "We honor you for the gift you've given this individual,
  • 00:08:07.260 --> 00:08:09.250
  • "and we enjoyed the whole delivery, it was amazing."
  • 00:08:09.250 --> 00:08:12.100
  • It's all involved in this praise thing,
  • 00:08:12.100 --> 00:08:14.120
  • and if you go to the vocalist
  • 00:08:14.120 --> 00:08:16.130
  • and ask them how they feel, in that moment,
  • 00:08:16.130 --> 00:08:18.090
  • the minute they come off the platform,
  • 00:08:18.090 --> 00:08:19.240
  • they're on a high, it feels like a rush,
  • 00:08:19.240 --> 00:08:22.030
  • this feels good, I feel honored or praised,
  • 00:08:22.030 --> 00:08:25.200
  • and it feels great.
  • 00:08:25.200 --> 00:08:27.110
  • But, you come back to them in 10 minutes,
  • 00:08:27.110 --> 00:08:28.210
  • they're right off of that high,
  • 00:08:28.210 --> 00:08:30.080
  • everything's normal again,
  • 00:08:30.080 --> 00:08:31.150
  • and we're back to just everyday life.
  • 00:08:31.150 --> 00:08:33.120
  • Praise specifically targets what you do,
  • 00:08:33.120 --> 00:08:36.260
  • and tells you, you know,
  • 00:08:36.260 --> 00:08:38.140
  • gives you the attaboy,
  • 00:08:38.140 --> 00:08:39.170
  • tells you thank you for it.
  • 00:08:39.170 --> 00:08:40.290
  • Again, a couple buddies that come over
  • 00:08:40.290 --> 00:08:42.130
  • and help me move the couch.
  • 00:08:42.130 --> 00:08:43.260
  • When they're done, I tell them,
  • 00:08:43.260 --> 00:08:45.030
  • "Thank you for helping me move the couch."
  • 00:08:45.030 --> 00:08:46.020
  • That's praise.
  • 00:08:46.020 --> 00:08:47.180
  • Recognition for something that's done.
  • 00:08:47.180 --> 00:08:49.180
  • Affirmation though, is completely different.
  • 00:08:49.180 --> 00:08:52.120
  • Affirmation speaks exclusively
  • 00:08:52.120 --> 00:08:54.130
  • to who you are.
  • 00:08:54.130 --> 00:08:55.200
  • See?
  • 00:08:57.090 --> 00:08:58.150
  • And, the problem with this is,
  • 00:08:58.150 --> 00:09:00.070
  • if I don't actually know who
  • 00:09:00.070 --> 00:09:01.240
  • you really are, I mean really,
  • 00:09:01.240 --> 00:09:03.280
  • then when I try to throw affirmation your way,
  • 00:09:03.280 --> 00:09:07.050
  • if it doesn't hit with you,
  • 00:09:07.050 --> 00:09:08.230
  • if it doesn't sit right with you,
  • 00:09:08.230 --> 00:09:10.070
  • it actually has the opposite affect.
  • 00:09:10.070 --> 00:09:12.110
  • It feels manipulative.
  • 00:09:12.110 --> 00:09:14.120
  • I feel like I'm politicking you.
  • 00:09:14.120 --> 00:09:16.030
  • Like I'm shaking hands, you know,
  • 00:09:16.030 --> 00:09:17.200
  • and kissing babies.
  • 00:09:17.200 --> 00:09:18.250
  • Like I have some other kind of motive.
  • 00:09:18.250 --> 00:09:21.020
  • So, you become suspicious.
  • 00:09:21.020 --> 00:09:22.250
  • You begin to think,
  • 00:09:22.250 --> 00:09:24.010
  • "Why is this person trying to butter me up?
  • 00:09:24.010 --> 00:09:26.130
  • "What do they want?"
  • 00:09:26.130 --> 00:09:27.180
  • And, so, you become defensive
  • 00:09:27.180 --> 00:09:29.030
  • and you push the activity of that person away.
  • 00:09:29.030 --> 00:09:31.090
  • That's why affirmation is missing,
  • 00:09:31.090 --> 00:09:33.090
  • because half of the time
  • 00:09:33.090 --> 00:09:34.130
  • we don't know the person,
  • 00:09:34.130 --> 00:09:35.270
  • and then when we try to affirm in that circumstance,
  • 00:09:35.270 --> 00:09:38.260
  • it's misdiagnosed and we reject it.
  • 00:09:38.260 --> 00:09:41.230
  • See, affirmation speaks exclusively
  • 00:09:42.280 --> 00:09:44.120
  • to who the person is,
  • 00:09:44.120 --> 00:09:45.270
  • and if you don't really know who they are, it misses.
  • 00:09:45.270 --> 00:09:50.000
  • See, praise I can lob over the fence.
  • 00:09:50.000 --> 00:09:51.250
  • If it lands on your side of the house,
  • 00:09:51.250 --> 00:09:53.070
  • it's a win, it's good.
  • 00:09:53.070 --> 00:09:54.280
  • Thanks for helping me with that thing,
  • 00:09:54.280 --> 00:09:56.010
  • okay good, I got it.
  • 00:09:56.010 --> 00:09:57.070
  • 10 minutes later there's no difference.
  • 00:09:57.070 --> 00:09:58.210
  • If I wanna affirm you,
  • 00:09:58.210 --> 00:10:00.000
  • I have to speak to who you are,
  • 00:10:00.000 --> 00:10:01.190
  • which means I have to know something
  • 00:10:01.190 --> 00:10:02.280
  • about who you are.
  • 00:10:02.280 --> 00:10:04.130
  • And, the fastest way to know
  • 00:10:04.130 --> 00:10:06.010
  • that kind of accuracy,
  • 00:10:06.010 --> 00:10:07.130
  • is to understand somebody's strengths.
  • 00:10:07.130 --> 00:10:09.090
  • If you know your spouse's strengths,
  • 00:10:09.090 --> 00:10:10.230
  • like I know Stephanie has connectedness,
  • 00:10:10.230 --> 00:10:12.280
  • then in that situation,
  • 00:10:12.280 --> 00:10:14.240
  • and she starts peppering me
  • 00:10:14.240 --> 00:10:16.180
  • with all those questions,
  • 00:10:16.180 --> 00:10:17.240
  • and my natural reaction is to go,
  • 00:10:17.240 --> 00:10:19.030
  • "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
  • 00:10:19.030 --> 00:10:20.110
  • "Wait a minute, why are you chasing me?"
  • 00:10:20.110 --> 00:10:21.160
  • I could just go,
  • 00:10:21.160 --> 00:10:22.140
  • "Wait a second, wait a second.
  • 00:10:22.140 --> 00:10:24.070
  • "This is her connectedness in operation."
  • 00:10:24.070 --> 00:10:26.160
  • And, I can affirm her by saying,
  • 00:10:26.160 --> 00:10:28.180
  • "Sweetheart, I see you're looking
  • 00:10:28.180 --> 00:10:31.050
  • "for this connection in the story.
  • 00:10:31.050 --> 00:10:33.270
  • "What detail do you need from me,
  • 00:10:33.270 --> 00:10:35.260
  • "to piece it all together?"
  • 00:10:35.260 --> 00:10:37.130
  • And, she could ask me a couple more questions,
  • 00:10:37.130 --> 00:10:39.010
  • I could give her the answers,
  • 00:10:39.010 --> 00:10:40.200
  • and she would find the weave
  • 00:10:40.200 --> 00:10:42.040
  • that makes sense for her,
  • 00:10:42.040 --> 00:10:43.060
  • and we'd all be good.
  • 00:10:43.060 --> 00:10:44.270
  • But, instead I'm rejecting her,
  • 00:10:44.270 --> 00:10:46.200
  • she doesn't feel seen,
  • 00:10:46.200 --> 00:10:48.050
  • the whole thing falls apart,
  • 00:10:48.050 --> 00:10:49.200
  • we end up arguing, it's a mess.
  • 00:10:49.200 --> 00:10:52.240
  • Can you see,
  • 00:10:52.240 --> 00:10:54.070
  • how knowing each other's strengths
  • 00:10:54.070 --> 00:10:56.030
  • and being able to use them
  • 00:10:56.030 --> 00:10:57.190
  • to powerfully affirm each other,
  • 00:10:57.190 --> 00:11:00.190
  • using words like,
  • 00:11:00.190 --> 00:11:01.210
  • "I see your connectedness,
  • 00:11:01.210 --> 00:11:03.070
  • "and I know you know there's a story in here somewhere.
  • 00:11:03.070 --> 00:11:06.050
  • "How can I help that?'
  • 00:11:06.050 --> 00:11:07.130
  • When I say that to her, she goes,
  • 00:11:07.130 --> 00:11:09.210
  • "This man,
  • 00:11:09.210 --> 00:11:10.220
  • "this man gets me right now.
  • 00:11:10.220 --> 00:11:12.200
  • "He totally understands my motivation,
  • 00:11:12.200 --> 00:11:15.030
  • "he totally sees me on the inside,
  • 00:11:15.030 --> 00:11:17.030
  • "and I'm so in love with him
  • 00:11:17.030 --> 00:11:19.070
  • "I'm gonna double cook these potatoes."
  • 00:11:19.070 --> 00:11:20.290
  • Or, whatever the action is, right?
  • 00:11:20.290 --> 00:11:23.050
  • It's just a way to feel seen.
  • 00:11:23.050 --> 00:11:24.190
  • It's a way to feel recognized.
  • 00:11:24.190 --> 00:11:25.290
  • And, I'm telling you, I'm telling you,
  • 00:11:25.290 --> 00:11:27.210
  • I'm telling you,
  • 00:11:27.210 --> 00:11:28.190
  • affirmation is basically missing
  • 00:11:28.190 --> 00:11:30.270
  • in marriages across America.
  • 00:11:30.270 --> 00:11:32.210
  • We have got to resurrect this powerful, powerful need,
  • 00:11:32.210 --> 00:11:36.100
  • and one of the best ways to do it
  • 00:11:36.100 --> 00:11:38.060
  • is to understand each other's strengths
  • 00:11:38.060 --> 00:11:40.060
  • and practice in your mind and in your behavior,
  • 00:11:40.060 --> 00:11:43.150
  • the action of finding a strength in your spouse,
  • 00:11:43.150 --> 00:11:46.230
  • call it out, and recognize them
  • 00:11:46.230 --> 00:11:49.270
  • and how they think.
  • 00:11:49.270 --> 00:11:51.200
  • Not just what they do,
  • 00:11:51.200 --> 00:11:52.250
  • how they think and what's motivating them.
  • 00:11:52.250 --> 00:11:54.120
  • When you do that,
  • 00:11:54.120 --> 00:11:55.230
  • you're gonna speak affirmation to your spouse,
  • 00:11:55.230 --> 00:11:57.220
  • and I promise you, you'll see signs
  • 00:11:57.220 --> 00:11:59.190
  • of their blossoming, in a way
  • 00:11:59.190 --> 00:12:01.100
  • that you have never recognized before.
  • 00:12:01.100 --> 00:12:03.140
  • And, let me give you this one as a kicker,
  • 00:12:03.140 --> 00:12:05.210
  • it's a powerful aphrodisiac.
  • 00:12:05.210 --> 00:12:07.120
  • I'm just giving you that, for free.
  • 00:12:07.120 --> 00:12:09.170
  • - [Narrator] TBN wants you
  • 00:12:09.170 --> 00:12:10.220
  • to discover the truths and principles
  • 00:12:10.220 --> 00:12:12.020
  • found in, "Strengths-based Marriage."
  • 00:12:12.020 --> 00:12:13.270
  • And, you will begin to see your relationship
  • 00:12:13.270 --> 00:12:15.150
  • with your spouse, in a whole new way.
  • 00:12:15.150 --> 00:12:17.280
  • Call or go online
  • 00:12:17.280 --> 00:12:19.030
  • to request this powerful collection today,
  • 00:12:19.030 --> 00:12:21.090
  • with your gift of $120 dollars or more,
  • 00:12:21.090 --> 00:12:23.240
  • and as our thank you,
  • 00:12:23.240 --> 00:12:25.030
  • for supporting TBN,
  • 00:12:25.030 --> 00:12:26.100
  • we will rush these incredible resources
  • 00:12:26.100 --> 00:12:28.060
  • to you, today.
  • 00:12:28.060 --> 00:12:29.280
  • Call 800-626-7454,
  • 00:12:29.280 --> 00:12:31.130
  • or visit TBN.org/StrongMarriage.
  • 00:12:33.220 --> 00:12:37.100
  • - If you're just tuning in,
  • 00:12:40.240 --> 00:12:42.090
  • welcome to, "Strengths-Based Marriage."
  • 00:12:42.090 --> 00:12:43.280
  • We have a guest couple with us today.
  • 00:12:43.280 --> 00:12:45.280
  • Let's have a look at how their strengths
  • 00:12:45.280 --> 00:12:47.250
  • influence their marriage.
  • 00:12:47.250 --> 00:12:50.120
  • - [Narrator] Today's couple
  • 00:12:50.120 --> 00:12:51.130
  • is Clayton and Ashlee Hurst,
  • 00:12:51.130 --> 00:12:52.200
  • from Houston, Texas.
  • 00:12:52.200 --> 00:12:54.040
  • Clayton's top five strengths are,
  • 00:12:54.040 --> 00:12:55.210
  • harmony, positivity, arranger,
  • 00:12:55.210 --> 00:12:57.240
  • individualization, and self assurance.
  • 00:12:57.240 --> 00:13:00.240
  • Ashlee's top five strengths are,
  • 00:13:00.240 --> 00:13:02.170
  • ideation, strategic, intellection,
  • 00:13:02.170 --> 00:13:05.020
  • significance and connectedness.
  • 00:13:05.020 --> 00:13:08.150
  • - Clayton and Ashlee,
  • 00:13:08.150 --> 00:13:09.150
  • it's so great to have you here
  • 00:13:09.150 --> 00:13:11.030
  • with us today.
  • 00:13:11.030 --> 00:13:12.010
  • Thank you so much for joining.
  • 00:13:12.010 --> 00:13:13.170
  • Now, I know who you are,
  • 00:13:13.170 --> 00:13:15.060
  • because we have a little history,
  • 00:13:15.060 --> 00:13:16.190
  • but for the benefit of all of our listeners,
  • 00:13:16.190 --> 00:13:18.220
  • would you say a little bit about who you are
  • 00:13:18.220 --> 00:13:20.200
  • and what you do?
  • 00:13:20.200 --> 00:13:22.040
  • - Sure, well we have been married for 21 years,
  • 00:13:22.040 --> 00:13:25.190
  • we are the marriage and parenting pastors
  • 00:13:25.190 --> 00:13:27.100
  • at Lakewood Church, in Houston.
  • 00:13:27.100 --> 00:13:29.050
  • We've been doing that role for about four years now,
  • 00:13:29.050 --> 00:13:32.140
  • we love talking about strengths,
  • 00:13:32.140 --> 00:13:34.080
  • we love helping marriages.
  • 00:13:34.080 --> 00:13:35.220
  • The book has been tremendous
  • 00:13:35.220 --> 00:13:37.210
  • in everything that we do at the church,
  • 00:13:37.210 --> 00:13:40.010
  • in helping couples across the board.
  • 00:13:40.010 --> 00:13:41.280
  • - Yeah, so we, when we got married, you know,
  • 00:13:41.280 --> 00:13:44.240
  • we had the makings of such a great marriage.
  • 00:13:44.240 --> 00:13:47.190
  • Both of our parent's had been married for,
  • 00:13:47.190 --> 00:13:49.220
  • at the time, over 40 years,
  • 00:13:49.220 --> 00:13:51.120
  • we were raised in a Christian home,
  • 00:13:51.120 --> 00:13:54.070
  • so we had this makings of such a great marriage.
  • 00:13:54.070 --> 00:13:56.290
  • But, five years into our marriage,
  • 00:13:56.290 --> 00:13:58.260
  • we needed help,
  • 00:13:58.260 --> 00:14:00.060
  • because we had fun together, you know,
  • 00:14:01.110 --> 00:14:03.160
  • I love being with him,
  • 00:14:03.160 --> 00:14:06.020
  • I felt secure with him,
  • 00:14:06.020 --> 00:14:07.170
  • but it was like five years into our marriage,
  • 00:14:07.170 --> 00:14:09.050
  • we didn't know what to do,
  • 00:14:09.050 --> 00:14:10.220
  • because sometimes I didn't feel secure.
  • 00:14:10.220 --> 00:14:12.050
  • Sometimes I didn't feel loved.
  • 00:14:12.050 --> 00:14:15.000
  • So, we were at a place where we needed help.
  • 00:14:15.000 --> 00:14:17.260
  • And, so, if it wasn't for the help
  • 00:14:17.260 --> 00:14:19.270
  • of some friends and some books that we read,
  • 00:14:19.270 --> 00:14:22.210
  • I don't know what we would have done.
  • 00:14:22.210 --> 00:14:25.090
  • There's a scripture in the Bible, Proverbs 3,
  • 00:14:25.090 --> 00:14:29.010
  • or Proverbs 21:3, that says,
  • 00:14:29.010 --> 00:14:33.010
  • "Houses built by wisdom, and each room
  • 00:14:34.040 --> 00:14:35.160
  • "is filled by knowledge.
  • 00:14:35.160 --> 00:14:37.180
  • "And, those are filled with jewels."
  • 00:14:37.180 --> 00:14:38.260
  • And, so, we didn't have the knowledge
  • 00:14:38.260 --> 00:14:40.270
  • before we got married.
  • 00:14:40.270 --> 00:14:42.110
  • We had all the makings of this awesome marriage,
  • 00:14:42.110 --> 00:14:43.250
  • but we didn't have the knowledge
  • 00:14:43.250 --> 00:14:45.150
  • that you need to have a great marriage,
  • 00:14:45.150 --> 00:14:47.230
  • and so, that's what we were lacking.
  • 00:14:47.230 --> 00:14:49.000
  • That's what we are so passionate about
  • 00:14:49.000 --> 00:14:51.110
  • helping other couples with now,
  • 00:14:51.110 --> 00:14:54.010
  • is the knowledge to have a great marriage.
  • 00:14:54.010 --> 00:14:56.110
  • - You guys have really engaged with strengths,
  • 00:14:56.110 --> 00:14:58.180
  • very powerfully, and it seemed to click with you
  • 00:14:58.180 --> 00:15:01.040
  • right away,
  • 00:15:01.040 --> 00:15:02.100
  • and you referencing some, you know,
  • 00:15:02.100 --> 00:15:04.290
  • some speedbumps, a little bit early on
  • 00:15:04.290 --> 00:15:06.270
  • in the road, with your marriage.
  • 00:15:06.270 --> 00:15:08.210
  • Was there a moment where
  • 00:15:08.210 --> 00:15:10.050
  • you saw a connection between
  • 00:15:10.050 --> 00:15:12.060
  • the knowledge of
  • 00:15:12.060 --> 00:15:13.120
  • your strengths and then how that
  • 00:15:13.120 --> 00:15:15.130
  • might resolve something for you, in your marriage?
  • 00:15:15.130 --> 00:15:18.050
  • - Yeah, I think for us,
  • 00:15:18.050 --> 00:15:20.080
  • we had taken the, Strength Finders Test, years ago.
  • 00:15:20.080 --> 00:15:23.040
  • Really, just for ourselves,
  • 00:15:23.040 --> 00:15:24.180
  • but we'd never put the two and two together,
  • 00:15:24.180 --> 00:15:27.000
  • about this could help us in our marriage.
  • 00:15:27.000 --> 00:15:29.070
  • I think for us, the light bulb moment was probably,
  • 00:15:29.070 --> 00:15:31.280
  • right around our oldest daughter's,
  • 00:15:31.280 --> 00:15:33.280
  • one of her birthday's,
  • 00:15:33.280 --> 00:15:35.160
  • we were gonna have a pool party outside.
  • 00:15:35.160 --> 00:15:38.030
  • Well, we had taken the test
  • 00:15:38.030 --> 00:15:39.150
  • and we began to talk about our strengths.
  • 00:15:39.150 --> 00:15:42.230
  • Harmony's my number one and strategic
  • 00:15:42.230 --> 00:15:44.270
  • is at the number two for Ashlee.
  • 00:15:44.270 --> 00:15:47.010
  • Very high for Ashlee.
  • 00:15:47.010 --> 00:15:48.200
  • Well, she was talking about,
  • 00:15:48.200 --> 00:15:50.000
  • "Well, what are we gonna do if it rains?"
  • 00:15:50.000 --> 00:15:52.110
  • And, I kept thinking,
  • 00:15:52.110 --> 00:15:53.190
  • "We don't have to worry about that,
  • 00:15:53.190 --> 00:15:54.200
  • "we just need to believe.
  • 00:15:54.200 --> 00:15:56.010
  • "We've prayed."
  • 00:15:56.010 --> 00:15:56.290
  • - It was your positivity.
  • 00:15:56.290 --> 00:15:57.260
  • - It was my positivity,
  • 00:15:57.260 --> 00:15:59.250
  • but I was also incorporating some harmony,
  • 00:15:59.250 --> 00:16:01.050
  • trying to just bring peace to the house.
  • 00:16:01.050 --> 00:16:02.280
  • Because, I could tell, it was weighing on her,
  • 00:16:02.280 --> 00:16:05.000
  • but I think through that situation,
  • 00:16:05.000 --> 00:16:07.190
  • we really opened up.
  • 00:16:07.190 --> 00:16:09.130
  • - Yeah, I kept saying,
  • 00:16:09.130 --> 00:16:10.250
  • "We need a plan B, we need a plan B,"
  • 00:16:10.250 --> 00:16:12.010
  • and he was like,
  • 00:16:12.010 --> 00:16:13.110
  • "Just believe, just believe.
  • 00:16:13.110 --> 00:16:14.200
  • "It's gonna be okay."
  • 00:16:14.200 --> 00:16:16.050
  • - And, we came out of that and we really realized that,
  • 00:16:16.050 --> 00:16:18.060
  • "Oh my gosh, we're functioning in our strengths."
  • 00:16:18.060 --> 00:16:21.110
  • She was completely engaged in her strengths,
  • 00:16:21.110 --> 00:16:25.160
  • learning how to do the strategic side of it,
  • 00:16:26.220 --> 00:16:27.270
  • and I had never validated that before.
  • 00:16:27.270 --> 00:16:30.090
  • And, so, when I first heard that
  • 00:16:30.090 --> 00:16:32.140
  • and saw that,
  • 00:16:32.140 --> 00:16:33.210
  • "Oh my gosh, she's not being negative."
  • 00:16:33.210 --> 00:16:35.240
  • You know, because that's how it was kinda
  • 00:16:35.240 --> 00:16:37.250
  • coming across to me,
  • 00:16:37.250 --> 00:16:39.100
  • she wasn't being negative, she was being strategic.
  • 00:16:39.100 --> 00:16:40.150
  • She was actually helping the situation,
  • 00:16:40.150 --> 00:16:42.210
  • not trying to dampen it.
  • 00:16:42.210 --> 00:16:44.100
  • I think she saw it from my perspective, you know,
  • 00:16:44.100 --> 00:16:46.200
  • I was always, not just trying to stay positive,
  • 00:16:46.200 --> 00:16:49.160
  • or keep peace and keep harmony in the house,
  • 00:16:49.160 --> 00:16:52.000
  • but I was trying to maybe, help her see
  • 00:16:52.000 --> 00:16:53.260
  • from a different perspective.
  • 00:16:53.260 --> 00:16:55.070
  • So, I think through that,
  • 00:16:55.070 --> 00:16:56.150
  • we really learned how to communicate
  • 00:16:56.150 --> 00:16:58.050
  • on a deeper level than ever before.
  • 00:16:58.050 --> 00:16:59.290
  • - Yeah, when I read that definition of strategic,
  • 00:16:59.290 --> 00:17:02.070
  • and saw that, this type of person
  • 00:17:02.070 --> 00:17:03.250
  • needs a plan B, C, and D, it was huge for me,
  • 00:17:03.250 --> 00:17:07.230
  • because for years, I had prayed,
  • 00:17:07.230 --> 00:17:10.050
  • "God, help me to be positive, like Clayton.
  • 00:17:10.050 --> 00:17:11.240
  • "Why can't I be positive like, Clayton?
  • 00:17:11.240 --> 00:17:13.180
  • "What is wrong with me?"
  • 00:17:13.180 --> 00:17:15.140
  • And, so, when I saw that definition it was,
  • 00:17:15.140 --> 00:17:19.010
  • "Oh my goodness, I am not negative, I'm strategic.
  • 00:17:19.010 --> 00:17:22.120
  • "It's okay that I have a plan B, C, and D."
  • 00:17:22.120 --> 00:17:25.020
  • It was huge for me.
  • 00:17:25.020 --> 00:17:26.090
  • We even shared this story
  • 00:17:26.090 --> 00:17:28.280
  • at a thing that we taught at,
  • 00:17:28.280 --> 00:17:30.280
  • and a lady came down front, in tears and she said,
  • 00:17:30.280 --> 00:17:33.160
  • "I'm you. I'm you.
  • 00:17:33.160 --> 00:17:35.030
  • "I'm that strategic person.
  • 00:17:35.030 --> 00:17:36.190
  • "Thank you so much, for sharing that.
  • 00:17:36.190 --> 00:17:38.250
  • "My husband is positivity,
  • 00:17:38.250 --> 00:17:40.240
  • "I'm that person."
  • 00:17:40.240 --> 00:17:42.050
  • And I was like, yeah, it's huge.
  • 00:17:42.050 --> 00:17:44.210
  • It was a huge light bulb moment for us.
  • 00:17:44.210 --> 00:17:46.010
  • - Ah, that's so great.
  • 00:17:46.010 --> 00:17:47.090
  • You know, we're in this episode
  • 00:17:47.090 --> 00:17:48.280
  • that deals specifically with affirmation.
  • 00:17:48.280 --> 00:17:51.070
  • In order for us to be able to affirm each other,
  • 00:17:51.070 --> 00:17:54.050
  • you genuinely have to actually know
  • 00:17:54.050 --> 00:17:56.210
  • some truthful things about one another,
  • 00:17:56.210 --> 00:17:59.000
  • in order to do that.
  • 00:17:59.000 --> 00:18:00.150
  • I have this exercise,
  • 00:18:00.150 --> 00:18:01.220
  • I wonder if you guys would work with me on,
  • 00:18:01.220 --> 00:18:04.010
  • so that you could see each other more clearly,
  • 00:18:04.010 --> 00:18:06.110
  • through a particular strength,
  • 00:18:06.110 --> 00:18:08.070
  • and then we'll talk about some affirmation
  • 00:18:08.070 --> 00:18:10.050
  • on the other side of that.
  • 00:18:10.050 --> 00:18:11.030
  • Are you all right with that?
  • 00:18:11.030 --> 00:18:11.260
  • - Sure. - Sure.
  • 00:18:11.260 --> 00:18:13.110
  • - All right, so, Clayton, I was gonna start with you,
  • 00:18:13.110 --> 00:18:15.120
  • but we need to do ladies first,
  • 00:18:15.120 --> 00:18:16.210
  • so Ashlee, I'm gonna come to you first.
  • 00:18:16.210 --> 00:18:18.130
  • - Sure.
  • 00:18:18.130 --> 00:18:19.230
  • - I want you to think of one of your strengths,
  • 00:18:19.230 --> 00:18:21.280
  • and then tell me which one you would like to pick,
  • 00:18:21.280 --> 00:18:24.040
  • and then I'm just gonna lead you to answer
  • 00:18:24.040 --> 00:18:26.050
  • some phrases as I open them.
  • 00:18:26.050 --> 00:18:28.120
  • - Okay, I think I'll stick with strategic.
  • 00:18:28.120 --> 00:18:30.080
  • - [Allen] Okay, good.
  • 00:18:30.080 --> 00:18:31.060
  • - Because I use that one a lot.
  • 00:18:31.060 --> 00:18:32.190
  • - So, the essence of strategic is that
  • 00:18:32.190 --> 00:18:34.150
  • you love to begin with the end in mind.
  • 00:18:34.150 --> 00:18:36.090
  • You just see all the varieties of options,
  • 00:18:36.090 --> 00:18:38.200
  • and you naturally pick the fastest
  • 00:18:38.200 --> 00:18:40.180
  • and most efficient way to get there.
  • 00:18:40.180 --> 00:18:41.280
  • - Yeah.
  • 00:18:41.280 --> 00:18:43.050
  • - So, in your lane of strategic, okay,
  • 00:18:43.050 --> 00:18:44.170
  • stay in that thought process,
  • 00:18:44.170 --> 00:18:46.060
  • and use that knowledge to just, kind of,
  • 00:18:46.060 --> 00:18:48.250
  • answer the following phrases from your own life.
  • 00:18:48.250 --> 00:18:52.010
  • I will...
  • 00:18:52.010 --> 00:18:52.260
  • - I will have a plan,
  • 00:18:53.260 --> 00:18:56.000
  • and if that plan doesn't work,
  • 00:18:56.000 --> 00:18:56.280
  • I will have another plan.
  • 00:18:56.280 --> 00:18:58.130
  • - Yes, I believe that.
  • 00:18:58.130 --> 00:19:00.110
  • Okay, I need...
  • 00:19:00.110 --> 00:19:02.100
  • - I need to have the freedom to have a plan,
  • 00:19:02.100 --> 00:19:06.000
  • because I don't like chaos.
  • 00:19:07.120 --> 00:19:09.180
  • - Ah, so I have strategic too,
  • 00:19:09.180 --> 00:19:12.280
  • and I would say I need variety.
  • 00:19:12.280 --> 00:19:15.080
  • There's something about my strategic that calls for that,
  • 00:19:15.080 --> 00:19:17.150
  • I have no idea why.
  • 00:19:17.150 --> 00:19:19.070
  • I bring...
  • 00:19:19.250 --> 00:19:20.020
  • - I bring
  • 00:19:20.220 --> 00:19:22.030
  • I feel like I bring things to a whole.
  • 00:19:23.270 --> 00:19:26.270
  • Like, I can connect the dots,
  • 00:19:26.270 --> 00:19:28.100
  • because I have connectedness too.
  • 00:19:28.100 --> 00:19:29.200
  • I feel like strategic, connectedness,
  • 00:19:29.200 --> 00:19:31.200
  • and ideation all come together,
  • 00:19:31.200 --> 00:19:33.260
  • where I can bring something really valuable
  • 00:19:33.260 --> 00:19:36.020
  • to the table, to get a plan in action,
  • 00:19:36.020 --> 00:19:39.030
  • and make sure it gets done,
  • 00:19:39.030 --> 00:19:41.000
  • and to make sure there's not any pitfalls.
  • 00:19:41.000 --> 00:19:44.070
  • - Okay, I totally see that.
  • 00:19:44.070 --> 00:19:46.070
  • All right, so, there's no right or wrong answers here.
  • 00:19:46.070 --> 00:19:48.200
  • There's just learning, right?
  • 00:19:48.200 --> 00:19:49.220
  • So, the purpose of the phrases,
  • 00:19:49.220 --> 00:19:51.070
  • is just to solicit more learning.
  • 00:19:51.070 --> 00:19:53.190
  • Tell me about you, and how you think,
  • 00:19:53.190 --> 00:19:55.110
  • and what's going on in that, you know,
  • 00:19:55.110 --> 00:19:57.140
  • in that particular strength.
  • 00:19:57.140 --> 00:19:58.200
  • Clayton, you ready?
  • 00:19:58.200 --> 00:19:59.230
  • You got one in mind?
  • 00:19:59.230 --> 00:20:01.070
  • - I think I'm kinda bouncing around different one.
  • 00:20:01.070 --> 00:20:03.110
  • - [Allen] Come on, pick one.
  • 00:20:03.110 --> 00:20:04.100
  • - Let's go with arranger.
  • 00:20:04.100 --> 00:20:06.100
  • All right, ooh, good one.
  • 00:20:06.100 --> 00:20:08.180
  • I have no idea about this one, whatsoever.
  • 00:20:08.180 --> 00:20:10.240
  • So, you're out on thin air, pal.
  • 00:20:10.240 --> 00:20:12.080
  • All right, starting with number one.
  • 00:20:12.080 --> 00:20:13.150
  • I will...
  • 00:20:13.150 --> 00:20:14.100
  • - I will arrange everything we face
  • 00:20:15.290 --> 00:20:18.090
  • in a way that
  • 00:20:18.090 --> 00:20:19.120
  • in a way that we can walk through it together,
  • 00:20:21.150 --> 00:20:24.100
  • in a way that we can do it together,
  • 00:20:24.100 --> 00:20:26.150
  • in a way that we can
  • 00:20:26.150 --> 00:20:28.050
  • enjoy whatever it is we're doing.
  • 00:20:29.100 --> 00:20:31.220
  • - So, you're arranger is built around unity.
  • 00:20:31.220 --> 00:20:34.020
  • It seems like you like to pull towards unity.
  • 00:20:34.020 --> 00:20:36.000
  • - Yeah, I love doing that.
  • 00:20:36.000 --> 00:20:38.070
  • I actually, after we got to talking,
  • 00:20:38.070 --> 00:20:41.100
  • the strategic and my arranger work really well together.
  • 00:20:41.100 --> 00:20:44.110
  • - All right, staying in your arranger lane.
  • 00:20:44.110 --> 00:20:47.040
  • I need...
  • 00:20:47.040 --> 00:20:47.290
  • - I need to arrange things, all the time.
  • 00:20:49.040 --> 00:20:53.020
  • - [Allan] Come on now!
  • 00:20:53.020 --> 00:20:54.160
  • - I'm serious.
  • 00:20:54.160 --> 00:20:55.210
  • From packing a bag.
  • 00:20:56.240 --> 00:20:58.170
  • I love packing her bag.
  • 00:20:58.170 --> 00:21:00.060
  • She'll put everything out, if we're going on a trip,
  • 00:21:00.060 --> 00:21:01.240
  • she'll put everything out, and I'll ask her,
  • 00:21:01.240 --> 00:21:03.250
  • "Is this everything?"
  • 00:21:03.250 --> 00:21:05.030
  • Because I think about everything,
  • 00:21:05.030 --> 00:21:06.210
  • and then I will fold it and I will arrange it
  • 00:21:06.210 --> 00:21:08.060
  • properly, in the bag to where she'll have
  • 00:21:08.060 --> 00:21:10.060
  • plenty of room leftover.
  • 00:21:10.060 --> 00:21:11.130
  • - Where were you last week when I needed that.
  • 00:21:11.130 --> 00:21:14.190
  • - It's like Mary Poppin's bag,
  • 00:21:14.190 --> 00:21:16.050
  • you know how you can just keep putting things in it?
  • 00:21:16.050 --> 00:21:17.290
  • That's how it is when he packs my bag.
  • 00:21:17.290 --> 00:21:19.270
  • I mean, it's incredible.
  • 00:21:19.270 --> 00:21:21.060
  • - And, when she lets me do that, I love it.
  • 00:21:21.060 --> 00:21:23.230
  • It's like you referenced in the book,
  • 00:21:23.230 --> 00:21:25.150
  • I'm on the juice.
  • 00:21:25.150 --> 00:21:27.080
  • So, when I'm arranging and that,
  • 00:21:27.080 --> 00:21:28.180
  • I need that continuously.
  • 00:21:28.180 --> 00:21:31.010
  • - All right, so the next one is,
  • 00:21:31.010 --> 00:21:31.260
  • I bring.
  • 00:21:31.260 --> 00:21:32.240
  • From an arranger perspective,
  • 00:21:32.240 --> 00:21:34.030
  • what do you bring?
  • 00:21:34.030 --> 00:21:35.130
  • - I think I bring order.
  • 00:21:35.130 --> 00:21:37.280
  • I bring, where the chaos is,
  • 00:21:37.280 --> 00:21:40.070
  • or where, you know,
  • 00:21:40.070 --> 00:21:41.140
  • we've got a house with three kids,
  • 00:21:41.140 --> 00:21:43.040
  • I can help establish and bring order
  • 00:21:43.040 --> 00:21:45.040
  • with that arranger in mind.
  • 00:21:45.040 --> 00:21:46.150
  • - I see that.
  • 00:21:46.150 --> 00:21:47.100
  • All right, I must...
  • 00:21:47.100 --> 00:21:48.200
  • I must...
  • 00:21:51.140 --> 00:21:52.150
  • - I must have the opportunity
  • 00:21:54.120 --> 00:21:55.230
  • to arrange daily.
  • 00:21:55.230 --> 00:21:57.180
  • Anywhere, and really, whether that's at home,
  • 00:21:57.180 --> 00:22:00.090
  • whether that's on the job, whether that's
  • 00:22:00.090 --> 00:22:03.140
  • helping the kids.
  • 00:22:03.140 --> 00:22:04.130
  • Anywhere I can possibly do it,
  • 00:22:04.130 --> 00:22:06.050
  • I must arrange things, just to bring that peace.
  • 00:22:06.050 --> 00:22:09.150
  • - So, now that the two of you have had
  • 00:22:09.150 --> 00:22:12.040
  • a little bit more clarity,
  • 00:22:12.040 --> 00:22:13.020
  • I mean you know each other well,
  • 00:22:13.020 --> 00:22:14.080
  • and so these nuances, you already know,
  • 00:22:14.080 --> 00:22:15.160
  • but for the rest of the viewing audience,
  • 00:22:15.160 --> 00:22:17.130
  • they know a little bit more about you.
  • 00:22:17.130 --> 00:22:18.290
  • So, now that that's true,
  • 00:22:18.290 --> 00:22:20.070
  • how would you affirm each other
  • 00:22:20.070 --> 00:22:22.000
  • using one of these ideas.
  • 00:22:22.000 --> 00:22:23.130
  • Or, how have you in the past?
  • 00:22:23.130 --> 00:22:25.060
  • - I think, you know, Ashlee mentioned ideation.
  • 00:22:25.060 --> 00:22:28.030
  • I love giving her that opportunity
  • 00:22:28.030 --> 00:22:31.010
  • to flow in those gifts,
  • 00:22:31.010 --> 00:22:33.030
  • and there was one time in particular,
  • 00:22:33.030 --> 00:22:34.290
  • we were working on a project at the church,
  • 00:22:34.290 --> 00:22:37.020
  • and she couldn't be in the meeting.
  • 00:22:37.020 --> 00:22:38.160
  • In this meeting, we were thinking about ideas
  • 00:22:38.160 --> 00:22:41.170
  • that were coming up.
  • 00:22:41.170 --> 00:22:43.010
  • We had been just thinking, for probably close to an hour,
  • 00:22:43.010 --> 00:22:45.190
  • and nobody could come up with the idea and I said,
  • 00:22:45.190 --> 00:22:48.070
  • "Oh my goodness, I can call Ashlee."
  • 00:22:48.070 --> 00:22:50.130
  • I called her and in a two minute conversation,
  • 00:22:50.130 --> 00:22:52.250
  • I told her the situation,
  • 00:22:52.250 --> 00:22:54.160
  • told her that we needed that,
  • 00:22:54.160 --> 00:22:55.150
  • and she said,
  • 00:22:55.150 --> 00:22:56.280
  • "Oh, well you could do this, this, this, and this."
  • 00:22:56.280 --> 00:22:58.020
  • And I'm like,
  • 00:22:58.020 --> 00:22:59.000
  • "Oh my gosh, that's brilliant.
  • 00:22:59.000 --> 00:23:00.100
  • "Why didn't I call you, you know, an hour ago."
  • 00:23:00.100 --> 00:23:02.090
  • And, she felt affirmed in that,
  • 00:23:02.090 --> 00:23:04.180
  • because I said,
  • 00:23:04.180 --> 00:23:05.270
  • "You know what, we would have been here all day,
  • 00:23:05.270 --> 00:23:07.270
  • "but you did that.
  • 00:23:07.270 --> 00:23:08.290
  • "You used your gifts,
  • 00:23:08.290 --> 00:23:10.020
  • "you used your strengths."
  • 00:23:10.020 --> 00:23:11.240
  • And, it took it to a completely different level for us.
  • 00:23:11.240 --> 00:23:14.200
  • - Ashlee, what about you?
  • 00:23:14.200 --> 00:23:15.260
  • - For me, I hope it's okay I mention one
  • 00:23:15.260 --> 00:23:17.220
  • that's not in his top five.
  • 00:23:17.220 --> 00:23:18.250
  • Number six is responsibility,
  • 00:23:18.250 --> 00:23:20.160
  • and when we had taken the test before,
  • 00:23:20.160 --> 00:23:22.110
  • it was higher,
  • 00:23:22.110 --> 00:23:23.260
  • and that was one that used to really frustrate me too,
  • 00:23:23.260 --> 00:23:25.170
  • because he would commit to things,
  • 00:23:25.170 --> 00:23:26.290
  • sometimes without telling me,
  • 00:23:26.290 --> 00:23:28.080
  • but by golly, he had to do it.
  • 00:23:28.080 --> 00:23:30.180
  • Like, there was no stopping him,
  • 00:23:30.180 --> 00:23:31.250
  • and it caused some friction between us,
  • 00:23:31.250 --> 00:23:33.100
  • but once I saw that that was one of his strengths,
  • 00:23:33.100 --> 00:23:35.200
  • he understood it too and he would make sure to tell me,
  • 00:23:35.200 --> 00:23:39.040
  • now he always asks me before he commits to anything.
  • 00:23:39.040 --> 00:23:41.240
  • But, now I know, if I say yes,
  • 00:23:41.240 --> 00:23:44.160
  • I cannot go back on my word.
  • 00:23:44.160 --> 00:23:46.150
  • So, I'm always so appreciative of that in him,
  • 00:23:46.150 --> 00:23:50.020
  • because and people know that of him.
  • 00:23:50.020 --> 00:23:51.240
  • They ask him to do things,
  • 00:23:51.240 --> 00:23:53.000
  • because they know he's gonna get it done,
  • 00:23:53.000 --> 00:23:54.260
  • because he's so responsible.
  • 00:23:54.260 --> 00:23:56.210
  • I just always try to affirm him, in that,
  • 00:23:56.210 --> 00:23:59.140
  • because I think, sometimes
  • 00:23:59.140 --> 00:24:00.250
  • when they have that responsibility too,
  • 00:24:00.250 --> 00:24:02.090
  • you know, a man's number one need
  • 00:24:02.090 --> 00:24:03.160
  • that Jimmy talks about all the time, is honor,
  • 00:24:03.160 --> 00:24:05.000
  • and I feel like sometimes
  • 00:24:05.000 --> 00:24:06.170
  • I was dishonoring him, sometimes
  • 00:24:06.170 --> 00:24:09.030
  • in his responsibility, when I'd be like,
  • 00:24:09.030 --> 00:24:11.010
  • "Why are you doing that?"
  • 00:24:11.010 --> 00:24:11.290
  • You know, and now
  • 00:24:11.290 --> 00:24:13.080
  • I try to really show him honor
  • 00:24:13.080 --> 00:24:15.070
  • in his responsibility.
  • 00:24:15.070 --> 00:24:16.270
  • When he commits to something,
  • 00:24:16.270 --> 00:24:18.110
  • I want to let him know how proud I am of him,
  • 00:24:18.110 --> 00:24:21.090
  • that he's following through with that.
  • 00:24:21.090 --> 00:24:22.290
  • Even though, sometimes it's something silly.
  • 00:24:22.290 --> 00:24:25.200
  • He might say,
  • 00:24:25.200 --> 00:24:26.270
  • "I'm gonna help this person move."
  • 00:24:26.270 --> 00:24:27.270
  • And I'm like,
  • 00:24:27.270 --> 00:24:28.250
  • "Well, you know, it's gonna rain
  • 00:24:28.250 --> 00:24:30.020
  • "or this or that, it's probably not...
  • 00:24:30.020 --> 00:24:30.260
  • "Oh, it is a big deal.
  • 00:24:30.260 --> 00:24:32.040
  • "He's gonna help that person move,
  • 00:24:32.040 --> 00:24:33.220
  • "and I can't do anything to stop him with that."
  • 00:24:33.220 --> 00:24:35.170
  • So, now, I try to encourage him in that,
  • 00:24:35.170 --> 00:24:39.030
  • instead of bringing him down.
  • 00:24:39.030 --> 00:24:41.090
  • - Well, I love your feedback.
  • 00:24:41.090 --> 00:24:43.200
  • You guys are so connected to your strengths.
  • 00:24:43.200 --> 00:24:45.090
  • Thank you so much for joining us today,
  • 00:24:45.090 --> 00:24:46.290
  • on the episode.
  • 00:24:46.290 --> 00:24:47.270
  • I loved getting to understand
  • 00:24:47.270 --> 00:24:49.040
  • a little bit more about you.
  • 00:24:49.040 --> 00:24:50.100
  • - [Clayton] Thanks for having us.
  • 00:24:50.100 --> 00:24:51.080
  • - [Ashlee] Thank you so much.
  • 00:24:51.080 --> 00:24:53.280
  • - I love to see stories like that.
  • 00:24:53.280 --> 00:24:55.270
  • That's why we do what we do.
  • 00:24:55.270 --> 00:24:57.030
  • And an example of the impact
  • 00:24:57.030 --> 00:24:59.070
  • these powerful resources can have on your marriage.
  • 00:24:59.070 --> 00:25:02.030
  • - Yeah, for example,
  • 00:25:02.030 --> 00:25:03.160
  • maybe your number one strength is empathy,
  • 00:25:03.160 --> 00:25:06.010
  • and your spouse's strength is to be restorative.
  • 00:25:06.010 --> 00:25:09.040
  • Being aware of that, is so important,
  • 00:25:09.040 --> 00:25:11.110
  • because it will help you to understand
  • 00:25:11.110 --> 00:25:12.180
  • how each of you think.
  • 00:25:12.180 --> 00:25:14.040
  • Because, while someone who is empathetic
  • 00:25:14.040 --> 00:25:15.260
  • will feel what others are feeling,
  • 00:25:15.260 --> 00:25:18.020
  • a restorative spouse, will see a problem
  • 00:25:18.020 --> 00:25:20.240
  • and try to fix it.
  • 00:25:20.240 --> 00:25:22.010
  • They both want there to be resolution,
  • 00:25:22.010 --> 00:25:24.060
  • and understanding, peace, and growth,
  • 00:25:24.060 --> 00:25:26.150
  • but their perspectives are completely opposite.
  • 00:25:26.150 --> 00:25:29.070
  • And, if misunderstood by each other,
  • 00:25:29.070 --> 00:25:31.120
  • can be cause for some really heated discussion.
  • 00:25:31.120 --> 00:25:34.120
  • - But, trust me,
  • 00:25:34.120 --> 00:25:35.180
  • no matter what situation you're in,
  • 00:25:35.180 --> 00:25:37.030
  • your marriage can thrive in every area,
  • 00:25:37.030 --> 00:25:40.090
  • emotionally, physically, and spiritually.
  • 00:25:40.090 --> 00:25:42.140
  • We wanna help you experience that today.
  • 00:25:42.140 --> 00:25:45.000
  • So, request your, Strengths-Based Marriage resources,
  • 00:25:45.000 --> 00:25:48.020
  • with your gift, and discover the principles you need,
  • 00:25:48.020 --> 00:25:50.280
  • to see yourself, your spouse, and your marriage,
  • 00:25:50.280 --> 00:25:54.040
  • in a new amazing way.
  • 00:25:54.040 --> 00:25:56.020
  • - [Narrator] TBN wants you to discover the truth
  • 00:25:56.020 --> 00:25:59.110
  • and principles found in, Strengths-Based Marriage,
  • 00:25:59.110 --> 00:26:02.020
  • and you will begin to see your relationship
  • 00:26:02.020 --> 00:26:03.180
  • with your spouse in a whole new way.
  • 00:26:03.180 --> 00:26:06.060
  • Call or go online to request
  • 00:26:06.060 --> 00:26:07.140
  • this powerful collection today
  • 00:26:07.140 --> 00:26:09.090
  • with your gift of $120 dollars or more,
  • 00:26:09.090 --> 00:26:11.210
  • and as our thank you for supporting TBN,
  • 00:26:11.210 --> 00:26:14.070
  • we will rush these incredible resources to you today.
  • 00:26:14.070 --> 00:26:18.030
  • Call 800-626-7454 or, visit TBN.org/StrongMarriage.
  • 00:26:18.030 --> 00:26:22.070
  • Call 800-626-7454 or, visit TBN.org/StrongMarriage.
  • 00:26:22.070 --> 00:26:25.130
  • - Isn't it incredible what words of praise
  • 00:26:28.180 --> 00:26:30.210
  • and affirmation can do to the heart of those
  • 00:26:30.210 --> 00:26:33.150
  • who we're closest to?
  • 00:26:33.150 --> 00:26:34.230
  • When we can look at the ways our spouse
  • 00:26:34.230 --> 00:26:37.020
  • differs from us, and speak to them
  • 00:26:37.020 --> 00:26:39.210
  • in an admiring and appreciative manner,
  • 00:26:39.210 --> 00:26:41.190
  • it can solidify a bond of safety and security
  • 00:26:41.190 --> 00:26:45.020
  • that's hard to break.
  • 00:26:45.020 --> 00:26:46.250
  • It's God's master design to pair
  • 00:26:46.250 --> 00:26:49.080
  • two people with different strengths and weaknesses
  • 00:26:49.080 --> 00:26:51.020
  • to compliment and complete each other.
  • 00:26:51.020 --> 00:26:53.170
  • That's not always easy.
  • 00:26:53.170 --> 00:26:54.280
  • Especially when we've been hurt.
  • 00:26:54.280 --> 00:26:56.170
  • - Tune in next time
  • 00:26:56.170 --> 00:26:57.240
  • to learn how we often try to protect ourselves
  • 00:26:57.240 --> 00:27:00.080
  • from pain by making dangerous promises to ourselves.
  • 00:27:00.080 --> 00:27:04.130
  • What we think will keep us safe
  • 00:27:05.090 --> 00:27:06.160
  • can actually make us isolated,
  • 00:27:06.160 --> 00:27:08.150
  • and the walls we build set ourselves,
  • 00:27:08.150 --> 00:27:11.000
  • and even our spouses up for failure.
  • 00:27:11.000 --> 00:27:13.070
  • But, there's hope and a better way
  • 00:27:13.070 --> 00:27:14.250
  • to approach our pain,
  • 00:27:14.250 --> 00:27:15.290
  • which we'll delve into more
  • 00:27:15.290 --> 00:27:17.250
  • in the next episode of Strength-Based Marriage.
  • 00:27:17.250 --> 00:27:20.090
  • We'll see you then.
  • 00:27:20.090 --> 00:27:21.270