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Sex, Love & Relationships

February 28, 2017

51:59

Guests John & Helen Burns | Trust

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Sex, Love & Relationships

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- male announcer: The themes
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discussed in this episode
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do not take into account
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your specific situation
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or needs.
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If you or a family member
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requires assistance or support,
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please seek help
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from a qualified
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- Niyah Rahmaan: Welcome
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to "Sex, Love & Relationships,"
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the show where we talk
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about marriage, raising
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children, when to have
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that discussion about sex,
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social media, and online dating.
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My name is Niyah, and I'm here
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with a special couple
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all the way from
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Vancouver, Canada,
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John and Helen Burns.
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John and Helen are a wealth
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of knowledge when it comes
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to relationships.
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They've had their own radio
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and television show for years.
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They're authors
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of award-winning and bestselling
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relationship books,
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and have been helping singles
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and couples navigate
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through life for over 30 years.
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Today we speak
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to a very special guest
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who is an author, counselor,
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and speaker, and has facilitated
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hundreds of seminars
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over the last two decades.
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- Tina Konkin: Oh, Helen,
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that night can be
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one of the best nights, and yet,
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the worst nights of my life.
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And God turned
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into something good.
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It was the same day
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I'd found out that my husband
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- Niyah: Also coming up
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in this show, we have John
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and Helen taking
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some real-life questions
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from our studio audience.
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- male: I'd like to know
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your advice on keeping
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the affection alive
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in a marriage.
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- John Burns: A lot of people,
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they want to, but want-tos
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that don't have plans behind it
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end up actually hurting you
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more than anything.
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- Niyah: And we head
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to social media to see
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what's trending online.
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- Helen Burns:
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I just kinda feel like, can we
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away for right now?
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And let's just talk.
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And it's not because we don't
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love each other, but we're not
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paying attention to the fact
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that we are not present.
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- Niyah: This show covers
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all of the hard-hitting topics
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we need godly wisdom on,
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- Niyah: So the topic for today
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is all about trust.
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That's right, the backbone
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of all relationships.
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If there's no trust,
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you can't build a relationship.
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Today we talk to experts who are
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sitting right next to me,
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John and Helen Burns.
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Welcome.
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- John: Great to be here.
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- Niyah: It's good to have you
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from Vancouver.
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- Helen: You bet.
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- Niyah: Well, today we're
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talkin' about trust, right?
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- John: Such a great issue.
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- Niyah: Without trust--
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- John: Yeah.
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You know, I think--we've been
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teachin' 'bout, you know,
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relationship stuff.
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I think it's
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the most misunderstood
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characteristic needed
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in every relationship.
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So I'm so excited
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we're gonna deal with it today.
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- Niyah: Can you move forward
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without trust?
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'Cause when I think--if, like,
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I don't have trust in you,
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I'm like, "It's done.
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We can't even move forward."
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But is that
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the right perspective to have?
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Is that where our--
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- John: It is
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the right perspective,
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but not everybody has that.
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A lot of people think,
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"I can do it any way, and it's
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gonna fall apart down the road."
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- Niyah: I'm excited.
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Let's dive on in.
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Now, we've had
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an overwhelming response
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of questions coming in
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to the show, which has been
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fantastic because we know
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people are being impacted.
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Now, let's check out our next
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question coming in from Neslie.
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- Neslie: Hi, Pastors John
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and Helen.
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I had a question for you.
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I have some co-workers that are
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married, and they like to flirt.
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But I'm just wondering,
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at what point does flirting
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become cheating?
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- Niyah: Ooh, this is
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a good one.
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- John: C'mon, I think
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you girls got all the answers
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on this one.
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- Helen: I'm assuming these are
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co-workers that are not married
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to each other, but they are
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married to somebody else.
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And I do think that that is a--
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that is a fine line
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that we walk so often.
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I think
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that even in our marriage,
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we've had to really have
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some strict boundaries
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about what is appropriate
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and what is not.
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I can remember way back
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when John was a dentist,
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and then also when he was
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a, you know, a pastor
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in those early days.
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And I was kind of watching.
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And it wasn't like you
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were trying to be a bad boy.
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But I'm looking at you,
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and I'm thinking, "Can you not
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see what's going on right there,
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what she's doing, and what--"
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And so I took my husband aside
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and I said, "This is
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appropriate, and this is not."
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And you were very thankful
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for it.
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You weren't flirting, but you
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were--I don't think you were
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anyhow.
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- John: I'm probably
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the dumbest when it comes
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to that.
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I don't know if there's
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any other males
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as absolutely dumb in that way.
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'Cause I'm just out there
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tryin' to be nice.
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But Helen knew, "No, there's
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somethin' else goin' on here."
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- Helen: Well, I was just
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sniffin' it out, I've said--
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- John: She's got radar.
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She really does, antennas.
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- Helen: But you know what was
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good about it?
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'Cause I think there are
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boundaries.
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You know, before, long before it
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ever is just jumping in the sack
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with somebody else, there is
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already boundaries that are
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being crossed when you're
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talking a lot to a person.
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There's flirtation, so I think
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it's being friendly and that.
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I'm friendly.
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I talk to anybody.
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But I think our demeanor
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actually says something,
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how it's perceived,
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or what message we're trying
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to get across.
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And so, in our relationship
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in marriage, I can remember,
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I was terrified to talk to John
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about it 'cause I didn't wanna
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come across as I'm insecure,
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or you know, I'm jealous.
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I just thought, "You know what?
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What is appropriate
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and what's not."
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One of the things I did was
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all over our office hung up
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pictures of me and the kids.
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- Niyah: Yes, very good.
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Ooh, strategic.
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You hear that, ladies?
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Strategically, yes, I love this,
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being strategic, yes.
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- Helen: Okay, and those were
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in our early days of repairing
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some difficult parts
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of our marriage.
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But the even in church,
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as people came to the door
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and you greeted them,
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John has for 30 years
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always been at the door greeting
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people, and you know,
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give them a hug or whatever.
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But there was some women I
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could kinda go, "You know what?
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I don't like this."
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And it wasn't insecurity.
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It was just, like, I could see
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there was something that was
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going in the wrong direction,
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so I addressed it with you.
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- John: Yeah, she could see
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that I was feeding something,
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a need that they had that wasn't
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healthy.
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- Niyah: Yeah, okay,
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but when does it become,
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you know, crossing the line?
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It's just like, "Oh, okay, this
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is cheating in that sense."
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But here's my--I'm like, "Okay,
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if you're flirting, period,
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isn't that just wrong if you're
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married?
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You shouldn't be flirting,
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period."
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- John: If you're married,
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it's wrong.
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- Helen: But I think
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a lot of people are unaware
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of how they come across.
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I think that they're--and I
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don't think we have to be
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these prudes as men and women--
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that's wrong to call
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a man that--
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I suppose, where we're so afraid
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of being friendly that we
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do nothing.
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But I think
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that it's kind of the condition
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of our heart and the message
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that we give off.
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And I think there is
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a responsibility to conduct
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our way--our self in a way
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that people know
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that, "I'm firmly committed
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to my spouse.
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I'm not looking
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for anything else."
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But I do think
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that when that isn't there
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that you open yourself up.
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If your needs aren't being met
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in a marriage
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in that relationship,
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and somebody else pays
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a lot of attention to you,
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or says things that you wanna
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hear, you're vulnerable to it.
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And I think that if you begin
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to kind of feed that,
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and look for it,
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it's a clue that you're
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on a dangerous territory.
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I remember somebody, years ago,
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that started going
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and working out at the gym.
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Nothin' wrong with that.
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But then she started going out
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working at the gym
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quite dressed up, and you know,
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kinda dressier.
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And I was like,
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"What's going on?"
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Like, "Why do you go to the gym?
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You don't dress that way
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for your husband,
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but you do for the guy--"
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It was her trainer.
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And you know, you challenge it.
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And it's like,
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"What are you doing?"
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"No, there's nothing.
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There's nothing."
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Well, sure enough there was.
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And you have to go and ask
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yourself, "Why am I doing this?
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And what am I hoping
00:07:34.150 --> 00:07:35.180
to get back?"
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And yeah, I think there's, yeah,
00:07:36.220 --> 00:07:39.180
I think that it's cheating, even
00:07:39.180 --> 00:07:41.200
as much as anything else is.
00:07:41.200 --> 00:07:44.160
- Niyah: What if you have
00:07:44.160 --> 00:07:45.110
a, whether that it's
00:07:45.110 --> 00:07:46.210
a young lady, you know,
00:07:46.210 --> 00:07:48.100
or a young man, or whatever,
00:07:48.100 --> 00:07:49.020
and you're just like,
00:07:49.020 --> 00:07:49.230
"But I'm really friendly.
00:07:49.230 --> 00:07:51.060
It's not, you know, cheating.
00:07:51.060 --> 00:07:52.140
And I'm really friendly."
00:07:52.140 --> 00:07:53.150
So they, in their mind, look
00:07:53.150 --> 00:07:55.060
at it as being very friendly,
00:07:55.060 --> 00:07:57.000
but it, you know, clearly,
00:07:57.000 --> 00:07:58.020
to everybody else,
00:07:58.020 --> 00:07:58.260
it's just like, "Wait, you're
00:07:58.260 --> 00:07:59.270
being a little too friendly."
00:07:59.270 --> 00:08:01.150
You know, the touching,
00:08:01.150 --> 00:08:02.200
and everything like that.
00:08:02.200 --> 00:08:03.080
And you're married.
00:08:03.080 --> 00:08:04.140
What would you say to someone
00:08:04.140 --> 00:08:05.150
like that, that's just,
00:08:05.150 --> 00:08:06.220
in their mind, they just see it
00:08:06.220 --> 00:08:07.250
as they're being friendly?
00:08:07.250 --> 00:08:09.020
- John: Well, my wife says
00:08:09.020 --> 00:08:09.250
those kind of things to me.
00:08:09.250 --> 00:08:11.280
Back when, I would normally give
00:08:11.280 --> 00:08:14.000
everybody a hug.
00:08:14.000 --> 00:08:15.110
But she said,
00:08:15.110 --> 00:08:15.280
"You really need to watch out."
00:08:15.280 --> 00:08:17.230
'Cause it's not so much
00:08:17.230 --> 00:08:18.220
my intention.
00:08:18.220 --> 00:08:20.070
It's what their reception is.
00:08:20.070 --> 00:08:22.040
Their reception is taking it
00:08:22.040 --> 00:08:24.080
the wrong way, and I just,
00:08:24.080 --> 00:08:26.000
I didn't realize that, so.
00:08:26.000 --> 00:08:28.000
- Helen: And there have been
00:08:28.000 --> 00:08:29.000
women in my world, I think,
00:08:29.000 --> 00:08:30.070
as a pastor, and as a mentor,
00:08:30.080 --> 00:08:33.080
I have taken some young girls
00:08:33.080 --> 00:08:35.060
aside and I said,
00:08:35.060 --> 00:08:36.150
"You need to be self-aware.
00:08:36.150 --> 00:08:37.210
This isn't a criticism.
00:08:37.210 --> 00:08:38.280
I'm tryin' to help you."
00:08:38.280 --> 00:08:40.030
People--you want people to get
00:08:40.030 --> 00:08:42.120
to know you for who you are.
00:08:42.120 --> 00:08:44.190
And so dial that back.
00:08:44.190 --> 00:08:46.220
They're not even aware of it
00:08:46.220 --> 00:08:47.250
sometimes.
00:08:47.250 --> 00:08:48.200
And again, I want people to be
00:08:48.200 --> 00:08:50.210
themself.
00:08:50.210 --> 00:08:51.160
And I'm a very friendly,
00:08:51.160 --> 00:08:52.210
outgoing person.
00:08:52.210 --> 00:08:53.210
I have been all of my life.
00:08:53.210 --> 00:08:55.030
But I think anybody who knows me
00:08:55.030 --> 00:08:57.070
knows I'm happily married,
00:08:57.070 --> 00:08:59.240
that that message is out there,
00:08:59.240 --> 00:09:01.210
and I'm not looking
00:09:01.210 --> 00:09:02.150
for anything else.
00:09:02.150 --> 00:09:04.140
But I do think that if someone,
00:09:04.140 --> 00:09:06.290
if you care about someone,
00:09:06.290 --> 00:09:07.280
you'll address it and help them
00:09:07.280 --> 00:09:08.280
with it.
00:09:08.280 --> 00:09:09.130
- Niyah: Do you have
00:09:09.130 --> 00:09:09.280
that conversation when you're
00:09:09.280 --> 00:09:11.010
in a marriage, or you know,
00:09:11.010 --> 00:09:12.200
or even a relationship?
00:09:12.200 --> 00:09:14.010
Should you just sit down
00:09:14.010 --> 00:09:15.070
and say, "Okay, we need to talk
00:09:15.070 --> 00:09:16.070
about boundaries outside,
00:09:16.070 --> 00:09:18.050
meaning with other people."
00:09:18.050 --> 00:09:19.030
To just--
00:09:19.030 --> 00:09:19.270
- John: Absolutely, so,
00:09:19.270 --> 00:09:21.100
you know, say you do have
00:09:21.100 --> 00:09:22.130
one of that couple
00:09:22.130 --> 00:09:24.080
that is maybe crossing the line,
00:09:24.080 --> 00:09:27.000
what you think is crossing
00:09:27.000 --> 00:09:27.260
the line, but he or she
00:09:27.260 --> 00:09:29.120
doesn't know it, like us.
00:09:29.120 --> 00:09:31.170
When Helen sat down and had
00:09:31.170 --> 00:09:32.250
that conversation with me,
00:09:32.250 --> 00:09:34.040
it didn't hurt me.
00:09:34.040 --> 00:09:35.260
It helped me.
00:09:35.260 --> 00:09:36.260
I was thankful for that.
00:09:36.260 --> 00:09:38.170
Why?
00:09:38.170 --> 00:09:39.060
Because my intention
00:09:39.060 --> 00:09:40.020
was never to cross the line.
00:09:40.020 --> 00:09:42.200
My intention was never
00:09:42.200 --> 00:09:43.170
to feed some unhealthy--
00:09:43.170 --> 00:09:45.110
I didn't realize it.
00:09:45.110 --> 00:09:46.060
And you know, I didn't see it.
00:09:46.060 --> 00:09:47.090
So I think, yeah, absolutely,
00:09:47.090 --> 00:09:49.000
you have to have
00:09:49.000 --> 00:09:49.270
that conversation.
00:09:49.270 --> 00:09:51.080
- Niyah:
00:09:51.080 --> 00:09:51.230
What if the person says,
00:09:51.230 --> 00:09:52.150
"Oh, you're just being jealous"?
00:09:52.150 --> 00:09:54.260
- Helen: That's actually
00:09:54.260 --> 00:09:55.130
a very important comment.
00:09:55.130 --> 00:09:57.070
Because if he's defending it,
00:09:57.070 --> 00:09:58.220
or she's defending her behavior,
00:09:58.220 --> 00:10:00.220
you're not being heard.
00:10:00.220 --> 00:10:02.290
And I think that that is
00:10:02.290 --> 00:10:04.110
actually one of the greatest
00:10:04.110 --> 00:10:05.180
clues that you're not
00:10:05.180 --> 00:10:06.250
in a healthy place.
00:10:06.250 --> 00:10:08.050
That if you're defending it,
00:10:08.050 --> 00:10:09.210
or you know, "I just went
00:10:09.210 --> 00:10:10.200
and had coffee with him.
00:10:10.200 --> 00:10:11.150
What is the big deal?
00:10:11.150 --> 00:10:12.120
Why are you so insecure?"
00:10:12.120 --> 00:10:13.210
That's saying that you value
00:10:13.210 --> 00:10:15.000
this more than how it makes
00:10:15.000 --> 00:10:16.110
your spouse feel.
00:10:16.110 --> 00:10:17.240
And that's where you have
00:10:17.240 --> 00:10:18.240
to have--John and I have
00:10:18.240 --> 00:10:20.070
very strict boundaries.
00:10:20.070 --> 00:10:21.220
We've had them for 42 years.
00:10:21.220 --> 00:10:23.260
And well,
00:10:23.260 --> 00:10:24.200
for most of them years.
00:10:24.200 --> 00:10:26.150
But we check up on them
00:10:26.150 --> 00:10:29.010
regularly.
00:10:29.010 --> 00:10:29.290
Not because I don't trust him,
00:10:29.290 --> 00:10:31.220
but because I just wanna
00:10:31.220 --> 00:10:33.020
make sure that we're okay.
00:10:33.020 --> 00:10:34.270
And that's just the kind
00:10:34.270 --> 00:10:37.030
of relationship that we have.
00:10:37.030 --> 00:10:38.180
When we travel,
00:10:38.180 --> 00:10:39.260
what we do or won't do,
00:10:39.260 --> 00:10:41.020
when we talk to people,
00:10:41.020 --> 00:10:42.010
what we do or won't do.
00:10:42.010 --> 00:10:43.020
- John: I'm thankful that she,
00:10:43.020 --> 00:10:44.160
you know, enlightens me
00:10:44.160 --> 00:10:46.020
to my actions
00:10:46.020 --> 00:10:47.150
and what the possible, you know,
00:10:47.150 --> 00:10:49.280
result is.
00:10:49.280 --> 00:10:50.180
Why?
00:10:50.180 --> 00:10:51.060
'Cause I don't wanna fight
00:10:51.060 --> 00:10:52.080
battles I don't have to fight.
00:10:52.080 --> 00:10:53.260
I don't wanna have temptations
00:10:53.260 --> 00:10:55.170
that I don't have to have.
00:10:55.170 --> 00:10:56.230
And you know, to me,
00:10:56.230 --> 00:10:58.020
that's the easiest way
00:10:58.020 --> 00:10:59.080
to fight temptation,
00:10:59.080 --> 00:11:01.060
is just run from them.
00:11:01.060 --> 00:11:02.140
Don't do it.
00:11:02.140 --> 00:11:03.040
That's what the Bible teaches.
00:11:03.040 --> 00:11:03.270
You know, flee.
00:11:03.270 --> 00:11:05.060
So don't put yourself
00:11:05.060 --> 00:11:06.280
in that place.
00:11:06.280 --> 00:11:07.210
And you need wisdom.
00:11:07.210 --> 00:11:08.160
Wisdom helps when you have
00:11:08.160 --> 00:11:10.010
people that'll speak
00:11:10.010 --> 00:11:11.030
into your life like that.
00:11:11.030 --> 00:11:12.120
I think every marriage
00:11:12.120 --> 00:11:13.170
has to be willing to have
00:11:13.170 --> 00:11:14.270
really tough conversations.
00:11:14.270 --> 00:11:16.140
And I think that when those--
00:11:16.140 --> 00:11:18.090
to me, those weren't easy
00:11:18.090 --> 00:11:19.280
in the beginning.
00:11:19.280 --> 00:11:21.110
Like, "I love you, and I
00:11:21.110 --> 00:11:22.220
wanna go the distance with you.
00:11:22.220 --> 00:11:24.170
This is a concern to me.
00:11:24.170 --> 00:11:25.280
Can we talk about what we
00:11:25.280 --> 00:11:26.270
will do and won't do?"
00:11:26.270 --> 00:11:28.040
But when they were delineated,
00:11:28.040 --> 00:11:29.220
it's been easy to stay on track.
00:11:29.220 --> 00:11:31.040
- Niyah: Do you have it
00:11:31.040 --> 00:11:31.190
in the beginning
00:11:31.190 --> 00:11:32.040
of your marriage?
00:11:32.040 --> 00:11:32.250
Or do you do dating?
00:11:32.250 --> 00:11:34.150
- John: All the way through.
00:11:34.150 --> 00:11:35.090
All the way through.
00:11:35.090 --> 00:11:36.060
- Niyah: Oh, I love this.
00:11:36.060 --> 00:11:36.290
Oh, so much good wisdom.
00:11:36.290 --> 00:11:38.220
Well, after the break, we enter
00:11:38.220 --> 00:11:40.020
into the world of social media
00:11:40.020 --> 00:11:41.150
and discuss what's trending
00:11:41.150 --> 00:11:42.200
online, #sexlove&relationships.
00:11:43.180 --> 00:11:46.180
- Niyah: Welcome back
00:11:57.080 --> 00:11:58.020
to the show.
00:11:58.020 --> 00:11:58.270
Now, this is a relevant segment
00:11:58.270 --> 00:12:00.150
because we can't deny the impact
00:12:00.150 --> 00:12:02.050
social media has on our lives.
00:12:02.050 --> 00:12:03.190
We're discussing trending topics
00:12:03.190 --> 00:12:05.050
on sex, love, and relationships.
00:12:05.050 --> 00:12:07.210
Now, let's see
00:12:07.210 --> 00:12:08.100
some of the comments
00:12:08.100 --> 00:12:09.130
and questions we've received.
00:12:09.130 --> 00:12:11.290
"Be present.
00:12:11.290 --> 00:12:13.130
Social media
00:12:13.130 --> 00:12:14.020
isn't going anywhere.
00:12:14.020 --> 00:12:15.150
Unplug and enjoy life."
00:12:15.150 --> 00:12:17.160
Hallelujah!
00:12:17.160 --> 00:12:19.130
This is like a praise break
00:12:19.130 --> 00:12:21.020
right here.
00:12:21.020 --> 00:12:21.260
- Helen: Oh, I need to know
00:12:21.260 --> 00:12:22.160
what you think about it.
00:12:22.160 --> 00:12:23.170
'Cause I think I'm 60,
00:12:23.170 --> 00:12:25.250
almost 61, and I think sometimes
00:12:25.250 --> 00:12:28.070
I'm the only person
00:12:28.070 --> 00:12:29.000
that thinks that, or my mother.
00:12:29.000 --> 00:12:30.210
- Niyah: Oh no.
00:12:30.210 --> 00:12:31.190
Oh no, it's--let me tell ya
00:12:31.190 --> 00:12:32.260
something.
00:12:32.260 --> 00:12:33.140
I see sometimes the hold
00:12:33.140 --> 00:12:35.100
social media can have
00:12:35.100 --> 00:12:36.190
on my life.
00:12:36.190 --> 00:12:37.130
I'll be honest.
00:12:37.130 --> 00:12:38.100
I will keep it real.
00:12:38.100 --> 00:12:39.180
And you know, you can get
00:12:39.180 --> 00:12:40.270
a little bit Twitter happy.
00:12:40.270 --> 00:12:42.140
Or you can get
00:12:42.140 --> 00:12:43.010
a little Instagram sucked in.
00:12:43.010 --> 00:12:44.240
And you know, it can be,
00:12:44.240 --> 00:12:45.250
like, overwhelming.
00:12:45.250 --> 00:12:47.020
And you get up in the morning,
00:12:47.020 --> 00:12:48.020
the first thing you do,
00:12:48.020 --> 00:12:48.280
instead of hittin' your knees
00:12:48.280 --> 00:12:49.210
and pray, you're just like,
00:12:49.210 --> 00:12:50.210
"Where's the 'Gram?"
00:12:50.210 --> 00:12:51.130
You know what I'm saying?
00:12:51.130 --> 00:12:52.000
So you're sittin' there,
00:12:52.000 --> 00:12:52.190
going through it.
00:12:52.190 --> 00:12:53.100
And I've had times, if I could
00:12:53.100 --> 00:12:54.240
be totally honest right now--
00:12:54.240 --> 00:12:56.110
- John: Well, that's,
00:12:56.110 --> 00:12:56.260
I always expect you to be.
00:12:56.260 --> 00:12:58.170
- Niyah: Yeah, I mean,
00:12:58.170 --> 00:12:59.020
c'mon, now.
00:12:59.020 --> 00:12:59.170
You know, New Yorkers,
00:12:59.170 --> 00:13:00.080
that's what we do.
00:13:00.080 --> 00:13:01.040
We just let it out there.
00:13:01.040 --> 00:13:02.110
But there's times when I'm like,
00:13:02.110 --> 00:13:03.230
"I'm only gonna look at it
00:13:03.230 --> 00:13:04.160
for 5 minutes, Lord,
00:13:04.160 --> 00:13:05.090
only 5 minutes."
00:13:05.090 --> 00:13:06.090
And it, before you know it,
00:13:06.090 --> 00:13:07.080
I'm looking at it,
00:13:07.080 --> 00:13:07.260
and it's like midnight.
00:13:07.260 --> 00:13:08.280
And I'm like,
00:13:08.280 --> 00:13:09.130
"Oh no, what I'm doing?
00:13:09.130 --> 00:13:11.070
I've been on it for 3 hours,"
00:13:11.070 --> 00:13:12.110
you know?
00:13:12.110 --> 00:13:13.020
So, like, the endless scroll.
00:13:13.020 --> 00:13:14.100
So, yeah, so stuff like this is,
00:13:14.100 --> 00:13:15.290
like, "Yes."
00:13:15.290 --> 00:13:16.250
- John: So are you addicted?
00:13:16.250 --> 00:13:18.090
- Niyah: Not anymore.
00:13:18.090 --> 00:13:19.130
You know, I went through
00:13:19.130 --> 00:13:20.020
a program, you know what I mean,
00:13:20.020 --> 00:13:22.050
called "fasting."
00:13:22.050 --> 00:13:23.040
And you know,
00:13:23.040 --> 00:13:23.240
just really, you know, honestly,
00:13:23.240 --> 00:13:25.050
I'll be honest with you.
00:13:25.050 --> 00:13:26.010
I had to see that it
00:13:26.010 --> 00:13:26.260
was starting to take control,
00:13:26.260 --> 00:13:28.080
starting to take control.
00:13:28.080 --> 00:13:28.270
I was getting
00:13:28.270 --> 00:13:29.120
really, really addicted.
00:13:29.120 --> 00:13:30.210
And I was gettin' distracted.
00:13:30.210 --> 00:13:31.290
And through that, I see
00:13:31.290 --> 00:13:33.070
the media, and then, you know,
00:13:33.070 --> 00:13:34.210
before you know it,
00:13:34.210 --> 00:13:35.130
my train of thought,
00:13:35.130 --> 00:13:36.100
my thinking was going that way.
00:13:36.100 --> 00:13:38.140
And before you know it,
00:13:38.140 --> 00:13:39.020
the comparison,
00:13:39.020 --> 00:13:40.050
that spirit of comparison,
00:13:40.050 --> 00:13:41.110
different things like that.
00:13:41.110 --> 00:13:42.170
And it's not healthy.
00:13:42.170 --> 00:13:44.060
It's not healthy.
00:13:44.060 --> 00:13:44.210
- Helen: Well, I think
00:13:44.210 --> 00:13:45.060
a really tricky thing is it's
00:13:45.060 --> 00:13:47.030
one thing for my generation,
00:13:47.030 --> 00:13:48.160
which it's fairly new.
00:13:48.160 --> 00:13:49.280
I mean, we actually used to have
00:13:49.280 --> 00:13:51.020
phones that hung on the walls,
00:13:51.020 --> 00:13:52.230
and you know?
00:13:52.230 --> 00:13:54.060
- John: Dial it.
00:13:54.060 --> 00:13:55.110
- Niyah: I had that when I
00:13:55.110 --> 00:13:56.150
was young.
00:13:56.150 --> 00:13:57.070
- Helen: But I think of someone
00:13:57.070 --> 00:13:58.220
like my grandchildren,
00:13:58.220 --> 00:14:00.210
that they don't know life
00:14:00.210 --> 00:14:01.230
anywhere different.
00:14:01.230 --> 00:14:03.160
They're so connected to it.
00:14:03.160 --> 00:14:05.040
And I get concerned.
00:14:05.040 --> 00:14:07.070
And I don't wanna be
00:14:07.070 --> 00:14:07.270
like the old grandma nag
00:14:07.270 --> 00:14:09.270
that is, but I know,
00:14:09.270 --> 00:14:11.050
sometimes when we're having
00:14:11.050 --> 00:14:12.060
family dinners,
00:14:12.060 --> 00:14:13.080
I just kind of feel like,
00:14:13.080 --> 00:14:14.070
"Can we just put everyone's
00:14:14.070 --> 00:14:15.150
cell phones away for right now?
00:14:15.150 --> 00:14:18.020
Put it all in this basket.
00:14:18.020 --> 00:14:19.170
You know, even for an hour.
00:14:19.170 --> 00:14:20.220
And let's just talk."
00:14:20.220 --> 00:14:22.280
Because without realizing it,
00:14:22.280 --> 00:14:24.280
we're like, "Oh, pull it up,
00:14:24.280 --> 00:14:25.240
take a picture of this.
00:14:25.240 --> 00:14:26.180
Oh, I'll Instagram that."
00:14:26.180 --> 00:14:27.260
And it's not because we don't
00:14:27.260 --> 00:14:29.000
love each other, but we're not
00:14:29.000 --> 00:14:30.120
paying attention to the fact
00:14:30.120 --> 00:14:31.240
that we are not present.
00:14:31.240 --> 00:14:34.230
We're not engaged.
00:14:34.230 --> 00:14:35.220
- Niyah: Next one: "If you
00:14:35.220 --> 00:14:36.250
could ask a man a question,
00:14:36.250 --> 00:14:38.240
what question?"
00:14:38.240 --> 00:14:40.110
I got plenty.
00:14:40.110 --> 00:14:41.080
Okay, here we are.
00:14:41.080 --> 00:14:41.240
The first one.
00:14:41.240 --> 00:14:42.100
No, I don't--
00:14:42.100 --> 00:14:43.010
- John: Just one.
00:14:43.010 --> 00:14:44.020
- Niyah: Just one, oh.
00:14:44.020 --> 00:14:44.190
- John: Just one, okay?
00:14:44.190 --> 00:14:45.200
I'm gonna give you a minute
00:14:45.200 --> 00:14:46.160
to think about that because
00:14:46.160 --> 00:14:48.000
I'm gonna come back to you.
00:14:48.000 --> 00:14:49.150
But first, I wanna talk
00:14:49.150 --> 00:14:50.180
to my wife.
00:14:50.180 --> 00:14:52.000
One, just one.
00:14:52.000 --> 00:14:53.120
What, if you could ask a man,
00:14:53.120 --> 00:14:55.290
and I'm a man.
00:14:55.290 --> 00:14:57.120
- Niyah: He is, that he is.
00:14:57.120 --> 00:14:58.120
- John: One,
00:14:58.120 --> 00:14:59.000
what would you ask?
00:14:59.000 --> 00:15:01.020
- Helen: What are you getting
00:15:01.020 --> 00:15:01.200
me for Christmas?
00:15:01.200 --> 00:15:02.280
No, I'm kidding.
00:15:02.280 --> 00:15:04.080
I'm kidding.
00:15:04.080 --> 00:15:04.280
That is not it.
00:15:04.280 --> 00:15:06.130
What would I ask you?
00:15:07.060 --> 00:15:10.060
I would probably want to know
00:15:10.060 --> 00:15:12.240
what some of the dreams are
00:15:12.240 --> 00:15:14.120
in your heart that you
00:15:14.120 --> 00:15:15.140
haven't let me know yet,
00:15:15.140 --> 00:15:17.010
that are maybe new and forming.
00:15:17.010 --> 00:15:18.260
I know we talk about them often,
00:15:18.260 --> 00:15:20.080
but I'd wanna know
00:15:20.080 --> 00:15:21.160
what you're dreaming of.
00:15:21.160 --> 00:15:23.080
- John: Oh, that's great.
00:15:23.080 --> 00:15:24.080
Great question.
00:15:24.080 --> 00:15:25.220
I don't know the answer,
00:15:25.220 --> 00:15:26.140
so great question though.
00:15:26.140 --> 00:15:27.270
- Niyah: Okay, my question
00:15:27.270 --> 00:15:28.250
I think would, I think I
00:15:28.250 --> 00:15:30.100
would direct my question
00:15:30.100 --> 00:15:31.280
to the men in the house of God,
00:15:31.280 --> 00:15:33.290
the single men
00:15:33.290 --> 00:15:34.210
in the house of God.
00:15:34.210 --> 00:15:35.210
So, you know, a lot of them,
00:15:35.210 --> 00:15:37.120
you know, they're there,
00:15:37.120 --> 00:15:38.210
you know, love the Lord.
00:15:38.210 --> 00:15:39.260
What takes them so long?
00:15:39.260 --> 00:15:41.260
What's the process they're
00:15:41.260 --> 00:15:42.220
thinkin' about when it comes
00:15:42.220 --> 00:15:43.210
to asking a girl out?
00:15:43.210 --> 00:15:45.150
You know, we have a lot of men
00:15:45.150 --> 00:15:46.150
in the church and everything
00:15:46.150 --> 00:15:47.180
like that, and they're single,
00:15:47.180 --> 00:15:49.100
and I'm like, "Okay, well,
00:15:49.100 --> 00:15:50.050
just go ask her out, or go--"
00:15:50.050 --> 00:15:51.110
Is it because you feel
00:15:51.110 --> 00:15:52.090
like you have too many options,
00:15:52.090 --> 00:15:53.240
you just can't--
00:15:53.240 --> 00:15:54.170
You know, "I don't--
00:15:54.170 --> 00:15:55.090
I wanna be very selective,"
00:15:55.090 --> 00:15:56.170
you know what I'm saying?
00:15:56.170 --> 00:15:57.140
Are you waitin' for an email
00:15:57.140 --> 00:15:58.090
from God?
00:15:58.090 --> 00:15:59.020
Or you know, what is it?
00:15:59.020 --> 00:16:00.150
So I would probably ask them,
00:16:00.150 --> 00:16:01.040
you know,
00:16:01.040 --> 00:16:01.190
what's their train of thought
00:16:01.190 --> 00:16:02.200
and their through process
00:16:02.200 --> 00:16:03.110
when it comes to that.
00:16:03.110 --> 00:16:03.290
- Helen: Can I tell you what I
00:16:03.290 --> 00:16:04.190
know for sure?
00:16:04.190 --> 00:16:05.130
- Niyah: Please.
00:16:05.130 --> 00:16:06.150
- Helen: That that is probably
00:16:06.150 --> 00:16:07.290
the question that somebody--
00:16:07.290 --> 00:16:09.270
that would be probably that we
00:16:09.270 --> 00:16:11.190
get asked the most.
00:16:11.190 --> 00:16:12.190
- Niyah: Really?
00:16:12.190 --> 00:16:13.140
- Helen: From single
00:16:13.140 --> 00:16:14.090
amazing women like yourself.
00:16:14.090 --> 00:16:15.270
- Niyah: Wow.
00:16:15.270 --> 00:16:16.130
- Helen: That is actually,
00:16:16.130 --> 00:16:17.130
I think it's a problem.
00:16:17.130 --> 00:16:18.160
I think it's an issue.
00:16:18.160 --> 00:16:19.270
That women want to know,
00:16:19.270 --> 00:16:21.010
"Am I doing something wrong?
00:16:21.010 --> 00:16:22.170
Is there something I should be
00:16:22.170 --> 00:16:24.030
doing?"
00:16:24.030 --> 00:16:24.180
So, John, what's the answer?
00:16:24.180 --> 00:16:25.150
- Niyah: Yeah, talk to 'em,
00:16:25.150 --> 00:16:26.020
Pastor.
00:16:26.020 --> 00:16:26.170
- John: Well, I actually get
00:16:26.170 --> 00:16:27.110
to talk to young men a lot.
00:16:27.110 --> 00:16:29.030
And I think this is the answer.
00:16:29.030 --> 00:16:31.220
They think they're afraid
00:16:31.220 --> 00:16:33.150
of commitment.
00:16:33.150 --> 00:16:34.140
They don't know who they are.
00:16:34.140 --> 00:16:36.070
So I really think the answer is
00:16:36.070 --> 00:16:39.000
I talk to them
00:16:39.000 --> 00:16:39.270
and as, like, the dad factor,
00:16:39.270 --> 00:16:41.160
I come in and I, "Let me tell
00:16:41.160 --> 00:16:43.060
you guys who you are.
00:16:43.060 --> 00:16:44.110
You were created in the image
00:16:44.110 --> 00:16:46.020
of commitment.
00:16:46.020 --> 00:16:47.130
You were created for commitment.
00:16:47.130 --> 00:16:49.070
It's not like you're afraid
00:16:49.070 --> 00:16:50.070
of it.
00:16:50.070 --> 00:16:50.220
You just don't know who you are.
00:16:50.220 --> 00:16:52.010
Commitment is what
00:16:52.010 --> 00:16:52.240
you're all about."
00:16:52.240 --> 00:16:54.120
And I think what men need is not
00:16:54.120 --> 00:16:56.150
a pointed finger of what you're
00:16:56.150 --> 00:16:57.180
not doin', but they need someone
00:16:57.180 --> 00:17:00.040
that's actually giving them
00:17:00.040 --> 00:17:01.250
the encouragement to what they
00:17:02.220 --> 00:17:05.220
really would like to be.
00:17:05.220 --> 00:17:07.080
- Niyah: Ooh, I'm lovin' this.
00:17:07.080 --> 00:17:08.270
I'm lovin' this.
00:17:08.270 --> 00:17:09.200
Let's check out the next one:
00:17:09.200 --> 00:17:11.070
"Surround yourself
00:17:11.070 --> 00:17:12.010
with those who see greatness
00:17:12.010 --> 00:17:14.040
in you when you don't see it
00:17:14.040 --> 00:17:15.190
yourself.
00:17:15.190 --> 00:17:16.210
Absolutely.
00:17:16.210 --> 00:17:17.290
What do you think about that?
00:17:17.290 --> 00:17:18.280
- Helen: Yeah, it's
00:17:18.280 --> 00:17:19.130
an essential part of life.
00:17:19.130 --> 00:17:20.170
I think that--and we
00:17:20.170 --> 00:17:21.240
should constantly, I think,
00:17:21.240 --> 00:17:23.050
put ourselves in positions
00:17:23.050 --> 00:17:25.100
and challenge ourselves
00:17:25.100 --> 00:17:27.030
to get in environments
00:17:27.030 --> 00:17:28.210
where we sometimes feel
00:17:28.210 --> 00:17:30.050
like we're not enough.
00:17:30.050 --> 00:17:31.210
We are enough.
00:17:31.210 --> 00:17:33.000
But I think if we just always
00:17:33.000 --> 00:17:34.140
hang around people that make us
00:17:34.140 --> 00:17:36.210
really comfortable, this is
00:17:36.210 --> 00:17:38.110
a personal part for me, to just,
00:17:38.110 --> 00:17:41.100
I think, 'cause I grew up
00:17:41.100 --> 00:17:42.160
with people who saw greatness
00:17:42.160 --> 00:17:43.200
in me.
00:17:43.200 --> 00:17:44.050
I have
00:17:44.050 --> 00:17:44.200
the most encouraging parents,
00:17:44.200 --> 00:17:46.010
grandparents, aunts, and uncles.
00:17:46.010 --> 00:17:47.130
My world was encouragement.
00:17:47.130 --> 00:17:49.110
However, I didn't see greatness
00:17:49.110 --> 00:17:51.190
in myself sometimes.
00:17:51.190 --> 00:17:52.260
So I think one of the things
00:17:52.260 --> 00:17:54.020
that I needed to do was put
00:17:54.020 --> 00:17:55.140
myself in an environment
00:17:55.140 --> 00:17:57.020
of people that I aspired
00:17:57.020 --> 00:17:59.010
to be like, and wanted to grow
00:17:59.010 --> 00:18:01.050
to be like, that were not
00:18:01.050 --> 00:18:02.180
just my mom and my dad
00:18:02.180 --> 00:18:03.280
and aunts and uncles,
00:18:03.280 --> 00:18:05.280
but people who had
00:18:05.280 --> 00:18:07.080
this amazing intellect,
00:18:07.080 --> 00:18:08.200
or were changing the world.
00:18:08.200 --> 00:18:10.090
Because when I get around them,
00:18:10.090 --> 00:18:12.010
it challenges me that I can do
00:18:12.010 --> 00:18:13.260
more than I think I can.
00:18:13.260 --> 00:18:15.090
That's a very personal thing.
00:18:15.090 --> 00:18:16.270
- John: And the key here is it
00:18:16.270 --> 00:18:17.270
says, "When you don't see it
00:18:17.270 --> 00:18:19.220
yourself."
00:18:19.220 --> 00:18:20.150
So the time that you need
00:18:20.150 --> 00:18:21.180
to surround yourself with people
00:18:21.180 --> 00:18:22.230
that see greatness
00:18:22.230 --> 00:18:23.210
is when you're at the lowest.
00:18:23.210 --> 00:18:25.150
And when you're at the lowest,
00:18:25.150 --> 00:18:27.020
you normally wanna hide,
00:18:27.020 --> 00:18:28.210
just hide from everybody
00:18:28.210 --> 00:18:29.290
because you don't see what you
00:18:29.290 --> 00:18:32.050
wanna see.
00:18:32.050 --> 00:18:33.090
But you need to find those
00:18:33.090 --> 00:18:34.180
that will see past your mess.
00:18:34.180 --> 00:18:37.060
And I think that's a huge part
00:18:37.060 --> 00:18:38.280
of love.
00:18:38.280 --> 00:18:39.230
I think when you find
00:18:39.230 --> 00:18:40.260
that person in your world,
00:18:40.260 --> 00:18:42.100
like marriage, you fall in love
00:18:42.100 --> 00:18:44.100
with the greatness that you see
00:18:44.100 --> 00:18:46.160
on the inside of that person.
00:18:46.160 --> 00:18:48.020
And you become
00:18:48.020 --> 00:18:49.050
that person's greatest asset.
00:18:49.050 --> 00:18:51.110
When they're not feelin' great
00:18:51.110 --> 00:18:53.040
about themself, you're speakin'
00:18:53.040 --> 00:18:54.220
into their life.
00:18:54.220 --> 00:18:55.160
And I think we all need
00:18:55.160 --> 00:18:56.180
those people in our world.
00:18:56.180 --> 00:18:58.080
Here's a principle.
00:18:58.080 --> 00:19:00.200
We all go
00:19:00.200 --> 00:19:01.120
where we're celebrated.
00:19:01.120 --> 00:19:02.240
- Helen: Yeah, we do.
00:19:02.240 --> 00:19:03.190
- John: We all go
00:19:03.190 --> 00:19:04.140
where we're celebrated.
00:19:04.140 --> 00:19:05.110
So let's become the people
00:19:05.110 --> 00:19:07.110
that celebrate others
00:19:07.110 --> 00:19:08.250
so that those people
00:19:08.250 --> 00:19:10.060
are attracted and want
00:19:10.060 --> 00:19:11.160
to be part of our lives.
00:19:11.160 --> 00:19:12.180
And our lives become bigger
00:19:12.180 --> 00:19:13.250
and bigger when we see
00:19:13.250 --> 00:19:15.050
the greatness and we
00:19:15.050 --> 00:19:16.130
actually celebrate that
00:19:16.130 --> 00:19:18.020
in other people.
00:19:18.020 --> 00:19:18.270
- Helen: And I think
00:19:18.270 --> 00:19:19.120
another thing is to learn
00:19:19.120 --> 00:19:20.120
that if you are constantly
00:19:20.120 --> 00:19:21.210
in an environment that you feel
00:19:21.210 --> 00:19:23.090
that people don't value you,
00:19:23.090 --> 00:19:25.070
respect yourself enough
00:19:25.070 --> 00:19:27.080
to get out of that environment,
00:19:27.080 --> 00:19:28.280
to get around people who do see
00:19:28.280 --> 00:19:30.210
the greatness.
00:19:30.210 --> 00:19:31.110
Is there discipline in that?
00:19:31.110 --> 00:19:32.230
Don't stay
00:19:32.230 --> 00:19:33.100
in a toxic environment.
00:19:33.100 --> 00:19:34.200
Go to where somebody will see
00:19:34.200 --> 00:19:36.020
the greatness in you.
00:19:36.020 --> 00:19:36.250
- Niyah: Preach, Pastor.
00:19:36.250 --> 00:19:37.220
That's--drop the mic.
00:19:37.220 --> 00:19:39.010
Just drop it.
00:19:39.010 --> 00:19:40.160
After the break, more to discuss
00:19:40.160 --> 00:19:42.020
on the topics of sex, love,
00:19:42.020 --> 00:19:43.170
and relationships.
00:19:43.170 --> 00:19:44.180
- Niyah: Well, earlier
00:19:55.120 --> 00:19:55.290
this week, Helen caught up
00:19:55.290 --> 00:19:57.040
with a great woman
00:19:57.040 --> 00:19:58.040
who not only had her own battle
00:19:58.040 --> 00:20:00.000
with broken trust,
00:20:00.000 --> 00:20:01.000
but has rebuilt her life
00:20:01.000 --> 00:20:02.120
- Helen: Hey, Tina.
00:20:05.150 --> 00:20:06.130
It is so great to have you here
00:20:06.130 --> 00:20:08.050
on the set.
00:20:08.050 --> 00:20:08.280
And here I am on your turf.
00:20:08.280 --> 00:20:10.180
We're in California.
00:20:10.180 --> 00:20:11.140
- Tina: Yes.
00:20:11.140 --> 00:20:12.040
- Helen: But I'm used to having
00:20:12.040 --> 00:20:13.210
you in Vancouver.
00:20:13.210 --> 00:20:14.270
So you've transplanted.
00:20:14.270 --> 00:20:16.020
Here you are now.
00:20:16.020 --> 00:20:16.220
Welcome.
00:20:16.220 --> 00:20:17.250
- Tina: Thank you.
00:20:17.250 --> 00:20:18.200
- Helen: So we go way back.
00:20:18.200 --> 00:20:19.270
- Tina: We do.
00:20:19.270 --> 00:20:21.100
We won't say how many years.
00:20:21.100 --> 00:20:22.170
- Helen: No.
00:20:22.170 --> 00:20:23.050
But back to a time,
00:20:23.050 --> 00:20:24.120
I can remember a night,
00:20:24.120 --> 00:20:27.080
getting a phone call from you,
00:20:27.080 --> 00:20:28.210
and your heart
00:20:28.210 --> 00:20:29.110
had just broken.
00:20:29.110 --> 00:20:31.080
Why don't you talk to us
00:20:31.080 --> 00:20:32.030
a little bit about that?
00:20:32.030 --> 00:20:33.240
- Tina: Oh, Helen, that night
00:20:33.240 --> 00:20:34.220
can be one of the best nights,
00:20:34.220 --> 00:20:36.220
and yet, the worst nights
00:20:36.220 --> 00:20:37.280
of my life.
00:20:37.280 --> 00:20:38.290
And God turned
00:20:38.290 --> 00:20:40.030
into something good.
00:20:40.030 --> 00:20:41.240
And so I was thankful that you
00:20:41.240 --> 00:20:43.100
were there for me.
00:20:43.100 --> 00:20:44.100
'Cause I'll never forget
00:20:44.100 --> 00:20:45.080
that night, sitting
00:20:45.080 --> 00:20:46.040
on your couch, as you held me
00:20:46.040 --> 00:20:48.060
and we cried together,
00:20:48.060 --> 00:20:49.100
and tried to sip coffee,
00:20:49.100 --> 00:20:51.030
but it wasn't
00:20:51.030 --> 00:20:51.230
a good coffee time.
00:20:51.230 --> 00:20:53.020
And it was the same day
00:20:53.020 --> 00:20:55.090
I'd found out that my husband
00:20:55.090 --> 00:20:56.150
had been unfaithful.
00:20:56.150 --> 00:20:57.290
And that day was
00:20:57.290 --> 00:20:59.150
probably one of the days
00:20:59.150 --> 00:21:01.020
that I still mark
00:21:01.020 --> 00:21:02.170
as one of my best
00:21:02.170 --> 00:21:04.080
and one of my worst days
00:21:04.080 --> 00:21:05.120
because the reality of it
00:21:05.120 --> 00:21:07.070
is what's come after that.
00:21:07.070 --> 00:21:08.270
Not taking the counsel that it
00:21:08.270 --> 00:21:11.000
had to be over because trust was
00:21:11.000 --> 00:21:13.150
broken.
00:21:13.150 --> 00:21:14.120
We rebuilt our marriage,
00:21:14.120 --> 00:21:16.110
and against the odds,
00:21:16.110 --> 00:21:19.110
and it took us a couple years,
00:21:19.110 --> 00:21:20.290
I have to be really honest.
00:21:20.290 --> 00:21:22.090
It took that kind of time to get
00:21:22.090 --> 00:21:24.070
to the place where we were safe
00:21:24.070 --> 00:21:25.280
with each other, where,
00:21:25.280 --> 00:21:27.080
you know, we started rebuilding
00:21:27.080 --> 00:21:28.230
a relationship that was better
00:21:28.230 --> 00:21:30.090
than it ever was before.
00:21:30.090 --> 00:21:31.150
- Helen: Right.
00:21:31.150 --> 00:21:32.070
- Tina: Yeah.
00:21:32.070 --> 00:21:32.240
- Helen: I think we need
00:21:32.240 --> 00:21:33.150
more stories of hearing
00:21:33.150 --> 00:21:35.120
where people actually can come
00:21:35.120 --> 00:21:37.210
through the hard places.
00:21:37.210 --> 00:21:39.100
Obviously, it takes two people
00:21:39.100 --> 00:21:41.070
to want it to work,
00:21:41.070 --> 00:21:42.210
and you and Ron were committed
00:21:42.210 --> 00:21:44.230
to the process,
00:21:44.230 --> 00:21:45.270
not an easy process,
00:21:45.270 --> 00:21:47.010
but you did the hard work.
00:21:47.010 --> 00:21:48.150
- Tina: We did the hard work.
00:21:48.150 --> 00:21:49.110
We had to be willing
00:21:49.110 --> 00:21:50.070
to, you know, go through
00:21:50.070 --> 00:21:51.160
the anger and go through
00:21:51.160 --> 00:21:52.260
the rebuilding, and go through,
00:21:52.260 --> 00:21:55.120
you know, what we now call
00:21:55.120 --> 00:21:56.270
in our ministry, "The R3."
00:21:56.270 --> 00:21:58.230
And we developed the R3
00:21:58.230 --> 00:21:59.250
through that.
00:21:59.250 --> 00:22:00.170
And the first was to reveal.
00:22:00.170 --> 00:22:02.220
The R1 was to reveal.
00:22:02.220 --> 00:22:04.080
We had to go to that place.
00:22:04.080 --> 00:22:05.130
We knew we couldn't change
00:22:05.130 --> 00:22:07.000
or heal what we weren't willing
00:22:07.000 --> 00:22:08.230
to reveal.
00:22:08.230 --> 00:22:09.260
And the reveal really was
00:22:09.260 --> 00:22:11.200
that though we didn't know it--
00:22:11.200 --> 00:22:13.230
We weren't in a bad marriage.
00:22:13.230 --> 00:22:15.180
That's the thing that people
00:22:15.180 --> 00:22:16.140
don't get, like,
00:22:16.140 --> 00:22:17.140
"Didn't you see it coming?"
00:22:17.140 --> 00:22:18.230
No, I didn't.
00:22:18.230 --> 00:22:20.040
And neither did he.
00:22:20.040 --> 00:22:22.290
So that was the part that was
00:22:22.290 --> 00:22:25.010
the biggest reveal.
00:22:25.010 --> 00:22:26.120
And we went to the reveal
00:22:26.120 --> 00:22:27.120
of the hardness of the heart.
00:22:27.120 --> 00:22:28.240
We started seeing
00:22:28.240 --> 00:22:29.210
all the unresolved issues,
00:22:29.210 --> 00:22:31.210
which Jesus talks
00:22:31.210 --> 00:22:32.180
about the hardness of the heart
00:22:32.180 --> 00:22:34.030
is why divorce was allowed.
00:22:34.030 --> 00:22:35.260
Not because of infidelity,
00:22:35.260 --> 00:22:37.230
but because it starts
00:22:37.230 --> 00:22:38.230
with hardness of heart.
00:22:38.230 --> 00:22:40.060
And we started dissecting
00:22:40.060 --> 00:22:41.220
the reveal part.
00:22:41.220 --> 00:22:43.160
And once we revealed the things
00:22:43.160 --> 00:22:45.060
that we'd withheld
00:22:45.060 --> 00:22:46.100
from each other, the things
00:22:46.100 --> 00:22:47.210
that we weren't giving
00:22:47.210 --> 00:22:50.000
to another, didn't even know
00:22:50.000 --> 00:22:51.160
for him that it was missing,
00:22:51.160 --> 00:22:53.000
you know?
00:22:53.000 --> 00:22:53.210
And I can just say to women,
00:22:53.210 --> 00:22:54.260
sometimes men,
00:22:54.260 --> 00:22:57.100
you don't realize
00:22:57.100 --> 00:22:58.070
they're missing something.
00:22:58.070 --> 00:22:59.040
They don't either.
00:22:59.040 --> 00:23:00.030
I wasn't a nurturer.
00:23:00.030 --> 00:23:01.130
And go figure, his love language
00:23:01.130 --> 00:23:03.060
was touch.
00:23:03.060 --> 00:23:04.280
You know, go figure that.
00:23:04.280 --> 00:23:06.060
And he marries
00:23:06.060 --> 00:23:06.290
a non-nurturing woman,
00:23:06.290 --> 00:23:08.090
you know?
00:23:08.090 --> 00:23:09.010
But I had to go back to that
00:23:09.010 --> 00:23:10.110
and see why
00:23:10.110 --> 00:23:11.100
wasn't I nurturing?
00:23:11.100 --> 00:23:12.190
What happened to me
00:23:12.190 --> 00:23:13.160
somewhere back here that,
00:23:13.160 --> 00:23:15.230
you know, made me reserve
00:23:15.230 --> 00:23:17.220
or withhold that nurture?
00:23:17.220 --> 00:23:20.050
And then you go to the step two,
00:23:20.050 --> 00:23:22.170
which was the rewrite.
00:23:22.170 --> 00:23:23.270
And the rewrite of the story
00:23:23.270 --> 00:23:25.140
was really, let's take
00:23:25.140 --> 00:23:27.200
what the enemy tried
00:23:27.200 --> 00:23:29.010
to break apart in that reveal.
00:23:29.010 --> 00:23:30.210
Now, let's write,
00:23:30.210 --> 00:23:31.240
"How can I be nurturing?"
00:23:31.240 --> 00:23:33.090
Because now I know why I wasn't
00:23:33.090 --> 00:23:35.010
nurturing.
00:23:35.010 --> 00:23:35.280
That all came out in the reveal.
00:23:35.280 --> 00:23:37.150
We do 40 hours on this.
00:23:37.150 --> 00:23:38.280
So it's kinda hard to unpack
00:23:38.280 --> 00:23:39.290
in a couple minutes.
00:23:39.290 --> 00:23:41.020
But in that,
00:23:41.020 --> 00:23:43.290
then from the reveal--
00:23:43.290 --> 00:23:45.090
from the rewrite--
00:23:45.090 --> 00:23:46.220
we started seeing that
00:23:46.220 --> 00:23:47.140
forgiveness and compassion
00:23:47.140 --> 00:23:49.020
in rewriting our story.
00:23:49.020 --> 00:23:51.010
We're not--our destiny
00:23:51.010 --> 00:23:53.010
is not part of our past.
00:23:53.010 --> 00:23:55.010
And it's looking ahead.
00:23:55.010 --> 00:23:56.140
And you talk a lot about that.
00:23:56.140 --> 00:23:58.060
You know, your past doesn't--
00:23:58.060 --> 00:24:00.120
isn't the picture for your--
00:24:00.120 --> 00:24:01.240
it's just part of your story.
00:24:01.240 --> 00:24:03.180
It's part of the story.
00:24:03.180 --> 00:24:05.140
And the third was the renew,
00:24:05.140 --> 00:24:07.130
and that was the most fun.
00:24:07.130 --> 00:24:08.180
Ron used to say, as you know,
00:24:08.180 --> 00:24:09.290
he's gone on to be
00:24:09.290 --> 00:24:11.110
with the Lord, and he died
00:24:11.110 --> 00:24:13.040
nearly 3 years ago and asked me
00:24:13.040 --> 00:24:14.270
to keep sharing this story
00:24:14.270 --> 00:24:16.040
because the renew was
00:24:16.040 --> 00:24:17.240
the best part ever.
00:24:17.240 --> 00:24:19.080
And that's why I say the affair
00:24:19.080 --> 00:24:20.140
was probably the worst,
00:24:20.140 --> 00:24:21.170
most painful thing
00:24:21.170 --> 00:24:22.150
we ever went through.
00:24:22.150 --> 00:24:23.190
But I would relive that
00:24:23.190 --> 00:24:25.030
over and over again
00:24:25.030 --> 00:24:27.030
for the 18 years we had.
00:24:27.030 --> 00:24:29.000
I didn't know you could renew
00:24:29.000 --> 00:24:31.060
and make things better than it
00:24:31.060 --> 00:24:32.150
ever was before.
00:24:32.150 --> 00:24:33.130
It's not a renovation, you know?
00:24:33.130 --> 00:24:35.140
It's not, "Oh, let's go back
00:24:35.140 --> 00:24:36.290
to where were
00:24:36.290 --> 00:24:37.220
when we first fell in love."
00:24:37.220 --> 00:24:39.050
No, this is about making
00:24:39.050 --> 00:24:40.150
everything new.
00:24:40.150 --> 00:24:41.290
It was a brand-new relationship,
00:24:41.290 --> 00:24:43.100
new stepping stones,
00:24:43.100 --> 00:24:44.190
new building safety
00:24:44.190 --> 00:24:46.160
in the relationship,
00:24:46.160 --> 00:24:47.180
and running to one another
00:24:47.180 --> 00:24:49.180
when there were thoughts of,
00:24:49.180 --> 00:24:52.010
you know, insecurity.
00:24:52.010 --> 00:24:53.060
- Helen: Yeah.
00:24:53.060 --> 00:24:54.000
So here you are now,
00:24:54.110 --> 00:24:57.110
a beautiful story.
00:24:57.110 --> 00:24:59.000
I'm proud of you.
00:24:59.000 --> 00:25:00.130
It's not an easy story, but it
00:25:00.130 --> 00:25:02.070
is a beautiful story because you
00:25:02.070 --> 00:25:03.190
- Niyah: Wow,
00:25:05.220 --> 00:25:06.210
what an outstanding display
00:25:06.210 --> 00:25:08.010
of grace.
00:25:08.010 --> 00:25:09.040
After the break, we welcome
00:25:09.040 --> 00:25:10.060
our guest to the studio
00:25:10.060 --> 00:25:11.080
to continue this discussion.
00:25:11.080 --> 00:25:12.260
- Niyah: Welcome back
00:25:24.000 --> 00:25:24.200
to "Sex, Love, & relationships."
00:25:24.200 --> 00:25:26.050
We just saw Helen discuss
00:25:26.050 --> 00:25:27.170
the topic of rebuilding trust
00:25:27.170 --> 00:25:29.010
with an incredible woman
00:25:29.010 --> 00:25:30.030
who has gone through
00:25:30.030 --> 00:25:31.030
this exact same challenge
00:25:31.030 --> 00:25:32.180
in her own life.
00:25:32.180 --> 00:25:33.170
We're so privileged to speak
00:25:33.170 --> 00:25:34.230
with her now in the studio.
00:25:34.230 --> 00:25:36.080
Tina, welcome.
00:25:36.080 --> 00:25:37.160
- Tina: Thank you.
00:25:37.160 --> 00:25:38.090
It's good to be here.
00:25:38.090 --> 00:25:39.120
- Niyah: Well, you explained
00:25:39.120 --> 00:25:41.030
to us a little bit about
00:25:41.030 --> 00:25:42.010
your story, and your husband
00:25:42.010 --> 00:25:43.220
was unfaithful, right?
00:25:43.220 --> 00:25:45.020
- Tina: Correct, yes.
00:25:45.020 --> 00:25:45.230
- Niyah: Now,
00:25:45.230 --> 00:25:46.080
how's it been like?
00:25:46.080 --> 00:25:47.110
How's the whole rebuilding trust
00:25:47.110 --> 00:25:49.100
process been like since then?
00:25:49.100 --> 00:25:51.180
- Tina: That was probably
00:25:51.180 --> 00:25:52.040
the biggest question with people
00:25:52.040 --> 00:25:54.080
around me that were trying
00:25:54.170 --> 00:25:57.170
to counsel me through this.
00:25:57.170 --> 00:25:59.100
Many felt that I should take
00:25:59.100 --> 00:26:01.110
my biblical right
00:26:01.110 --> 00:26:02.200
and not stay married,
00:26:02.200 --> 00:26:04.080
but instead save the ministry.
00:26:04.080 --> 00:26:06.100
'Cause at the time we were doing
00:26:06.100 --> 00:26:07.110
personal growth seminars, and we
00:26:07.110 --> 00:26:08.250
were seeing a lot of people
00:26:08.250 --> 00:26:09.210
get saved and a lot of people
00:26:09.210 --> 00:26:11.250
receive healing personally.
00:26:11.250 --> 00:26:13.270
And then this happened.
00:26:13.270 --> 00:26:15.010
And so those around me
00:26:15.010 --> 00:26:16.230
at the time that worked with me
00:26:16.230 --> 00:26:18.190
suggested that, you know, I save
00:26:18.190 --> 00:26:20.210
the ministry because he
00:26:20.210 --> 00:26:22.040
wasn't worthy to be saved.
00:26:22.040 --> 00:26:23.160
Like, it wasn't gonna work.
00:26:23.160 --> 00:26:25.180
And it was a real struggle
00:26:25.180 --> 00:26:27.090
for me because inside of me,
00:26:27.090 --> 00:26:29.000
I felt if there was a chance,
00:26:29.000 --> 00:26:30.150
and because a very good friend,
00:26:30.150 --> 00:26:32.200
Helen, at the time, who was
00:26:32.200 --> 00:26:33.200
my pastor, she said,
00:26:33.200 --> 00:26:36.000
"Tina, this is not Ron.
00:26:36.000 --> 00:26:37.130
This is the enemy coming in."
00:26:37.130 --> 00:26:39.060
And she also said, "I believe
00:26:39.060 --> 00:26:40.230
he's in a trance, and you two
00:26:40.230 --> 00:26:42.220
need to just be alone."
00:26:42.220 --> 00:26:44.100
And I did that.
00:26:44.100 --> 00:26:45.150
And at the time, he was away.
00:26:45.150 --> 00:26:47.050
And so I flew out to see him
00:26:47.050 --> 00:26:49.050
and said,
00:26:49.050 --> 00:26:50.070
"We need to talk about this."
00:26:50.070 --> 00:26:51.250
But then the confusion of trust
00:26:51.250 --> 00:26:53.180
came in.
00:26:53.180 --> 00:26:54.220
And the question I was asked
00:26:54.220 --> 00:26:56.270
was, "How will you trust?
00:26:56.270 --> 00:26:58.010
How will you trust?"
00:26:58.010 --> 00:26:59.040
And I remember looking up
00:26:59.040 --> 00:27:00.080
and saying, "God,
00:27:00.080 --> 00:27:00.260
how will I ever trust again?"
00:27:00.260 --> 00:27:02.190
You know, "How can I believe
00:27:02.190 --> 00:27:04.010
the enemy won't come in again."
00:27:04.010 --> 00:27:05.110
And then I'll just be hurt
00:27:05.110 --> 00:27:06.200
again.
00:27:06.200 --> 00:27:07.050
Why not just be hurt once?
00:27:07.050 --> 00:27:08.180
You know, and if even the Bible
00:27:08.180 --> 00:27:11.010
allows you to get out,
00:27:11.010 --> 00:27:12.020
why not get out, you know?
00:27:12.020 --> 00:27:13.240
And I remember that it was
00:27:13.240 --> 00:27:15.080
a Sunday morning as I laid
00:27:15.080 --> 00:27:16.290
on my bed, and I hadn't slept
00:27:16.290 --> 00:27:18.090
all night.
00:27:18.090 --> 00:27:19.110
And I got up and I said,
00:27:19.110 --> 00:27:21.080
"I've just gotta go to church.
00:27:21.080 --> 00:27:22.140
I've gotta go by myself."
00:27:22.140 --> 00:27:23.200
And I put a hoodie on so nobody
00:27:23.200 --> 00:27:25.120
would recognize me,
00:27:25.120 --> 00:27:26.200
and I sat in the very back row.
00:27:26.200 --> 00:27:28.180
And I came after worship,
00:27:28.180 --> 00:27:31.130
and I just sat there and I said,
00:27:31.130 --> 00:27:32.250
"God, please give me an answer."
00:27:32.250 --> 00:27:35.060
And right in the middle
00:27:35.060 --> 00:27:36.000
of Pastor John's message,
00:27:36.000 --> 00:27:37.260
which was, it had nothing to do
00:27:37.260 --> 00:27:39.010
with trust, he stopped,
00:27:39.010 --> 00:27:41.190
and he knew it was gonna sound
00:27:41.190 --> 00:27:42.210
odd for him to say that
00:27:42.210 --> 00:27:44.070
in the middle of his message,
00:27:44.070 --> 00:27:45.160
what he was about to say.
00:27:45.160 --> 00:27:46.270
He just looked up and he said,
00:27:46.270 --> 00:27:49.000
"Listen, I'm going
00:27:49.000 --> 00:27:49.230
completely off-topic here.
00:27:49.230 --> 00:27:51.170
I don't know who this is for,
00:27:51.170 --> 00:27:53.010
but I wanna tell you something.
00:27:53.010 --> 00:27:55.000
I wanna tell you that God never
00:27:55.000 --> 00:27:56.270
instructed us to trust people.
00:27:56.290 --> 00:27:59.290
He instructed us to love people
00:27:59.290 --> 00:28:02.130
and trust God."
00:28:02.130 --> 00:28:03.270
And then he repeated it again
00:28:03.270 --> 00:28:05.010
and he said, "Trust God.
00:28:05.010 --> 00:28:07.130
Love people.
00:28:07.130 --> 00:28:08.170
That is what we're called
00:28:08.170 --> 00:28:09.270
to do."
00:28:09.270 --> 00:28:10.240
And I remember looking
00:28:10.240 --> 00:28:12.000
at the verse.
00:28:12.000 --> 00:28:12.230
And then since then we
00:28:12.230 --> 00:28:13.220
have built our ministry on that.
00:28:13.220 --> 00:28:15.170
And we built
00:28:15.170 --> 00:28:16.270
rebuilding on that.
00:28:16.270 --> 00:28:18.060
The Bible says, "When they asked
00:28:18.060 --> 00:28:19.250
him, they asked Jesus, you know,
00:28:19.250 --> 00:28:21.150
'Do you allow divorce
00:28:21.150 --> 00:28:23.240
like Moses did?
00:28:23.240 --> 00:28:24.230
Do you believe and--in that?'
00:28:24.230 --> 00:28:26.280
And he said, 'Moses allowed
00:28:26.280 --> 00:28:29.070
divorces because of the hardness
00:28:29.070 --> 00:28:31.210
of the heart.'"
00:28:31.210 --> 00:28:32.260
So now we were given
00:28:32.260 --> 00:28:33.230
our instructions.
00:28:33.230 --> 00:28:34.280
We needed to figure out
00:28:34.280 --> 00:28:35.260
where the hardness of our heart
00:28:35.260 --> 00:28:37.110
had come in for that affair
00:28:37.110 --> 00:28:39.210
to even happen.
00:28:39.210 --> 00:28:41.050
- John: Hmm, that's welcome.
00:28:41.050 --> 00:28:42.140
So the whole trust thing,
00:28:42.140 --> 00:28:44.220
you turned it around.
00:28:44.220 --> 00:28:46.090
So what do you call it now?
00:28:46.090 --> 00:28:47.110
Like, how do you help people
00:28:47.110 --> 00:28:48.110
that go through that?
00:28:48.110 --> 00:28:49.060
Do you ever use the word
00:28:49.060 --> 00:28:50.090
"trust" or?
00:28:50.090 --> 00:28:51.100
- Tina: No, no, I don't.
00:28:51.100 --> 00:28:53.060
Because trust brings
00:28:53.060 --> 00:28:55.010
expectation.
00:28:55.010 --> 00:28:56.020
That means I'm expecting
00:28:56.020 --> 00:28:57.060
something from you.
00:28:57.060 --> 00:28:58.100
And that's not just in marriage.
00:28:58.100 --> 00:28:59.180
That's in any relationship.
00:28:59.180 --> 00:29:01.130
And the minute I put
00:29:01.130 --> 00:29:02.150
expectations on someone,
00:29:02.150 --> 00:29:04.150
then I'm setting myself up
00:29:04.150 --> 00:29:06.240
for failure and setting them up
00:29:06.240 --> 00:29:08.010
for failure.
00:29:08.010 --> 00:29:08.290
So the new word that we use
00:29:08.290 --> 00:29:11.040
and what we help people use,
00:29:11.040 --> 00:29:12.090
first of all, it's softer,
00:29:12.090 --> 00:29:13.210
and it can't be broken,
00:29:13.210 --> 00:29:15.100
is we create safety
00:29:15.100 --> 00:29:16.210
in a relationship.
00:29:16.210 --> 00:29:17.210
So what does safety look like?
00:29:17.210 --> 00:29:19.180
You know, for me, safety looked
00:29:19.180 --> 00:29:21.220
like there were no more secrets,
00:29:21.220 --> 00:29:24.200
you know?
00:29:24.200 --> 00:29:25.060
How were we gonna rebuild
00:29:25.060 --> 00:29:26.240
without secrets?
00:29:26.240 --> 00:29:28.000
You know, how does this become
00:29:28.000 --> 00:29:29.220
an open marriage?
00:29:29.220 --> 00:29:30.230
And for my husband,
00:29:30.230 --> 00:29:31.180
it was awesome because he got
00:29:31.180 --> 00:29:34.000
to the point where he
00:29:34.000 --> 00:29:35.140
was helping men in rebuilding
00:29:37.210 --> 00:29:40.210
what their safety
00:29:40.210 --> 00:29:41.270
in their relationships was.
00:29:41.270 --> 00:29:43.120
And one of his biggest rules
00:29:43.120 --> 00:29:44.290
for safety was if somebody gives
00:29:44.290 --> 00:29:46.250
you a compliment and it
00:29:46.250 --> 00:29:48.020
feels good, it's already wrong.
00:29:48.020 --> 00:29:50.100
You've already broken safety.
00:29:50.100 --> 00:29:51.290
You're not safe, right?
00:29:51.290 --> 00:29:53.240
So get out
00:29:53.240 --> 00:29:54.160
'cause you're not safe.
00:29:54.160 --> 00:29:55.160
And you know, the Bible says,
00:29:55.160 --> 00:29:56.160
"Flee," right?
00:29:56.160 --> 00:29:57.180
And he says, "Unfortunately,
00:29:57.180 --> 00:29:59.060
when you get into the trance,"
00:29:59.060 --> 00:30:00.200
like Pastor Helen had told me,
00:30:00.200 --> 00:30:02.170
"the fleeing part's done."
00:30:02.170 --> 00:30:04.070
That's why, for him, to be safe
00:30:04.070 --> 00:30:06.220
was, you know,
00:30:06.220 --> 00:30:08.010
in our line of work,
00:30:08.010 --> 00:30:09.080
as you both know,
00:30:09.080 --> 00:30:10.070
you're in the same line of work,
00:30:10.070 --> 00:30:11.120
compliments are a dime a dozen.
00:30:11.120 --> 00:30:13.090
Flattery gets you every time.
00:30:13.090 --> 00:30:15.180
And he'd say,
00:30:15.180 --> 00:30:16.210
"If it feels good, run.
00:30:16.210 --> 00:30:18.190
It's already wrong.
00:30:18.190 --> 00:30:19.210
You've already crossed
00:30:19.210 --> 00:30:20.170
the line."
00:30:20.170 --> 00:30:21.120
So that's the kind of things we
00:30:21.120 --> 00:30:23.010
started recognizing.
00:30:23.010 --> 00:30:24.050
What made us fall, you know?
00:30:24.050 --> 00:30:27.050
And I say "we" because he
00:30:27.050 --> 00:30:28.170
didn't fall alone.
00:30:28.170 --> 00:30:29.200
We fell together.
00:30:29.200 --> 00:30:30.210
- John: Okay, explain that
00:30:30.210 --> 00:30:31.120
to me.
00:30:31.120 --> 00:30:31.280
It's already wrong.
00:30:31.280 --> 00:30:33.180
- Tina: It's already wrong.
00:30:33.180 --> 00:30:34.170
- John: Now, you gotta explain
00:30:34.170 --> 00:30:35.060
that a little bit farther.
00:30:35.060 --> 00:30:35.260
- Tina: Okay, well, safety
00:30:35.260 --> 00:30:37.020
means that if a woman
00:30:37.020 --> 00:30:38.230
were to give you a compliment
00:30:38.230 --> 00:30:40.020
and just say, "Pastor John,
00:30:40.020 --> 00:30:41.070
that message today was
00:30:41.070 --> 00:30:43.050
so incredible.
00:30:43.050 --> 00:30:44.080
It was just, like, so for me."
00:30:44.080 --> 00:30:46.040
And it's a beautiful woman,
00:30:46.040 --> 00:30:47.010
and she's standing there.
00:30:47.010 --> 00:30:48.060
Well, that's about the message,
00:30:48.060 --> 00:30:50.000
so you can spiritualize that.
00:30:50.000 --> 00:30:51.120
But what if somebody comes up
00:30:51.120 --> 00:30:53.000
again, a woman comes up
00:30:53.000 --> 00:30:54.160
and says, "Wow,
00:30:54.160 --> 00:30:56.150
you really look good today.
00:30:56.150 --> 00:30:58.130
I mean, just that shirt,
00:30:58.130 --> 00:31:00.280
and how you've matched it
00:31:00.280 --> 00:31:01.280
with--and there's not a wrinkle
00:31:01.280 --> 00:31:03.000
in it.
00:31:03.000 --> 00:31:03.200
I mean, you just--"
00:31:03.200 --> 00:31:04.210
- John: That's because I have
00:31:04.210 --> 00:31:05.100
someone helping me here.
00:31:05.100 --> 00:31:06.090
- Tina: I know, exactly.
00:31:06.090 --> 00:31:07.120
That's why I brought that in.
00:31:07.120 --> 00:31:08.160
I heard that back there.
00:31:08.160 --> 00:31:10.200
But if that feels good
00:31:10.200 --> 00:31:12.070
on a man level, and it's
00:31:12.070 --> 00:31:13.190
the same for a woman, you know?
00:31:13.190 --> 00:31:15.090
Somebody comes up and tells you
00:31:15.090 --> 00:31:17.050
how beautiful you look.
00:31:17.050 --> 00:31:18.130
You know, and I'm sorry,
00:31:18.130 --> 00:31:19.150
but in marriage,
00:31:19.150 --> 00:31:20.150
it doesn't happen every day.
00:31:20.150 --> 00:31:21.200
And you don't look your best
00:31:21.200 --> 00:31:23.100
every hour of the day.
00:31:23.100 --> 00:31:24.200
And that,
00:31:24.200 --> 00:31:25.090
"You look beautiful, honey,"
00:31:25.090 --> 00:31:26.150
sometimes doesn't happen
00:31:26.150 --> 00:31:27.210
quite as often.
00:31:27.210 --> 00:31:28.230
But you know, out there,
00:31:28.230 --> 00:31:30.210
the enemy knows how to use
00:31:30.210 --> 00:31:32.040
those words, and they sound
00:31:32.040 --> 00:31:33.240
like words of life.
00:31:33.240 --> 00:31:35.100
But instead, they're
00:31:35.100 --> 00:31:36.100
really words that, you know,
00:31:36.100 --> 00:31:37.260
are there to entrap you.
00:31:37.260 --> 00:31:39.270
And they're words of death.
00:31:39.270 --> 00:31:42.000
- Helen: Such great wisdom.
00:31:42.000 --> 00:31:43.030
A lot of it learnt
00:31:43.030 --> 00:31:44.060
really the hard way.
00:31:44.060 --> 00:31:46.030
And I've watched you
00:31:46.030 --> 00:31:47.120
and your beautiful family,
00:31:47.120 --> 00:31:49.070
and it's an amazing story to see
00:31:49.070 --> 00:31:50.210
you and Ron.
00:31:50.210 --> 00:31:51.130
I know Ron's in heaven today,
00:31:51.130 --> 00:31:53.160
and cheering you on,
00:31:53.160 --> 00:31:55.190
and your beautiful family.
00:31:55.190 --> 00:31:56.270
But I look at because you
00:31:56.270 --> 00:31:58.180
were willing to do the hard work
00:31:58.180 --> 00:32:00.100
that you have so much
00:32:00.100 --> 00:32:01.070
to celebrate today.
00:32:01.070 --> 00:32:02.190
You're an amazing woman,
00:32:02.190 --> 00:32:03.150
an amazing leader.
00:32:03.150 --> 00:32:04.130
- Tina: Thank you.
00:32:04.130 --> 00:32:05.000
And that feels good.
00:32:05.000 --> 00:32:05.250
See, that's okay to feel good.
00:32:05.250 --> 00:32:08.090
- Niyah: But tell us why.
00:32:08.090 --> 00:32:09.250
Why stay when you had an out?
00:32:09.250 --> 00:32:12.070
- Tina: Because I recognized it
00:32:12.070 --> 00:32:13.270
as--well, so let me back up
00:32:13.270 --> 00:32:16.260
just a little bit.
00:32:16.260 --> 00:32:18.050
Before I decided to stay,
00:32:18.050 --> 00:32:19.260
I had visited with Pastor Helen.
00:32:20.020 --> 00:32:23.020
She didn't even go to church
00:32:23.020 --> 00:32:24.020
that night.
00:32:24.020 --> 00:32:24.170
It was a Sunday night
00:32:24.170 --> 00:32:25.110
when it all came out.
00:32:25.110 --> 00:32:26.240
And she stayed with me.
00:32:26.240 --> 00:32:28.130
She stayed home.
00:32:28.130 --> 00:32:29.140
And that night when I went
00:32:29.140 --> 00:32:31.160
to bed and she explained
00:32:31.160 --> 00:32:32.250
to me about the trance,
00:32:32.250 --> 00:32:34.150
I didn't sleep a wink.
00:32:34.150 --> 00:32:36.020
And I took her advice.
00:32:36.020 --> 00:32:37.180
My husband at the time
00:32:37.180 --> 00:32:38.200
was visiting his father
00:32:38.200 --> 00:32:41.160
a few hours away.
00:32:41.160 --> 00:32:42.220
And so I was alone
00:32:42.220 --> 00:32:44.150
and I got out of bed.
00:32:44.150 --> 00:32:45.200
And I went into the bathroom
00:32:45.200 --> 00:32:47.000
first thing in the morning.
00:32:47.000 --> 00:32:47.260
I had a flight to catch
00:32:47.260 --> 00:32:48.270
because she had told me
00:32:48.270 --> 00:32:49.260
to get out of there and get
00:32:49.260 --> 00:32:50.290
in front of my husband's face.
00:32:50.290 --> 00:32:52.240
And so I stood there in front
00:32:52.240 --> 00:32:55.140
of that bathroom mirror.
00:32:55.140 --> 00:32:58.000
And as I looked, and my face was
00:32:58.000 --> 00:33:00.170
swollen, I mean, I was a mess,
00:33:01.100 --> 00:33:04.100
I heard God speak so clearly.
00:33:04.130 --> 00:33:07.130
And for the first time I looked
00:33:07.130 --> 00:33:08.210
at God and I said,
00:33:08.210 --> 00:33:10.050
"Did you miss what part of this
00:33:10.050 --> 00:33:11.200
I'm the victim?" you know?
00:33:11.200 --> 00:33:14.010
Because the words that I heard
00:33:14.010 --> 00:33:15.180
speaking back to me
00:33:15.180 --> 00:33:16.230
from the mirror was,
00:33:16.230 --> 00:33:18.180
"Don't you dare.
00:33:18.180 --> 00:33:20.020
Don't you dare go up there
00:33:20.020 --> 00:33:22.090
and confront him
00:33:22.090 --> 00:33:23.040
with what he's done."
00:33:23.040 --> 00:33:25.060
And I said, "Well, why am I
00:33:25.060 --> 00:33:26.170
going up there then?
00:33:26.170 --> 00:33:27.210
You know, I wanna know
00:33:27.210 --> 00:33:28.170
how could this have happened?"
00:33:28.170 --> 00:33:31.070
"But instead,
00:33:31.070 --> 00:33:31.230
ask yourself the question,"
00:33:31.230 --> 00:33:33.050
these are the words God said.
00:33:33.050 --> 00:33:34.230
"Ask yourself the question,
00:33:34.230 --> 00:33:37.030
'What part did you play
00:33:37.030 --> 00:33:38.180
in this?'"
00:33:38.180 --> 00:33:39.210
And that hit so hard
00:33:39.210 --> 00:33:42.010
'cause all I wanted to do was
00:33:42.010 --> 00:33:43.050
the whole world to feel sorry
00:33:43.050 --> 00:33:44.060
for me.
00:33:44.060 --> 00:33:44.260
Helen had held me
00:33:44.260 --> 00:33:45.250
the night before.
00:33:45.250 --> 00:33:46.290
And you know, considered me
00:33:46.290 --> 00:33:49.010
as a friend and held me
00:33:49.010 --> 00:33:50.260
as a pastor.
00:33:50.260 --> 00:33:51.270
And I wanted to stay
00:33:51.270 --> 00:33:53.090
in that mode.
00:33:53.090 --> 00:33:54.110
And how could I, how could God
00:33:54.110 --> 00:33:55.270
let somethin' like this happen?
00:33:55.270 --> 00:33:57.150
So I was not only gonna blame
00:33:57.150 --> 00:33:58.220
Ron, I was gonna blame God too.
00:33:58.220 --> 00:34:01.090
And I was truly the victim.
00:34:01.120 --> 00:34:04.120
But instead, that changed
00:34:04.120 --> 00:34:06.010
everything for me.
00:34:06.010 --> 00:34:07.160
When I was able to say that--
00:34:07.160 --> 00:34:10.010
- Niyah: Oh my goodness.
00:34:10.010 --> 00:34:10.250
The story goes so much deeper.
00:34:10.250 --> 00:34:12.060
And but thank you so, so much
00:34:12.060 --> 00:34:13.290
for just joining us and being
00:34:13.290 --> 00:34:15.060
so transparent, and just sharing
00:34:15.060 --> 00:34:17.250
your story, your life with us.
00:34:17.250 --> 00:34:19.090
- Tina: Thank you.
00:34:19.090 --> 00:34:20.020
- Niyah: Amen, amen.
00:34:20.020 --> 00:34:20.250
After the break, more to discuss
00:34:20.250 --> 00:34:22.210
on the topics of sex, love,
00:34:22.210 --> 00:34:24.060
and relationships.
00:34:24.060 --> 00:34:25.080
- Niyah: Welcome back
00:34:36.100 --> 00:34:36.260
to the show.
00:34:36.260 --> 00:34:37.150
And welcome
00:34:37.150 --> 00:34:38.000
to our studio audience,
00:34:38.000 --> 00:34:39.080
who have some great questions
00:34:39.080 --> 00:34:40.220
for John and Helen on the topics
00:34:40.220 --> 00:34:42.180
of sex, love, and relationships.
00:34:42.180 --> 00:34:44.120
John and Helen, welcome.
00:34:44.120 --> 00:34:45.280
- Helen: Good to be with you
00:34:45.280 --> 00:34:46.260
today.
00:34:46.260 --> 00:34:47.140
- John: I'm lookin' forward
00:34:47.140 --> 00:34:48.010
to this.
00:34:48.010 --> 00:34:48.150
- Niyah: C'mon, you guys are
00:34:48.150 --> 00:34:49.030
in the hot seats.
00:34:49.030 --> 00:34:49.220
- Helen: Yep, he is.
00:34:49.220 --> 00:34:51.060
- male: Hi, I'd like to know
00:34:51.060 --> 00:34:53.020
your advice on keeping
00:34:53.020 --> 00:34:54.090
the affection alive
00:34:54.090 --> 00:34:55.140
in a marriage,
00:34:55.140 --> 00:34:56.240
especially when you've got
00:34:56.240 --> 00:34:57.190
young children, and work-wise
00:34:57.190 --> 00:34:59.280
you're very, very busy.
00:34:59.280 --> 00:35:01.050
- Niyah: Wow, good question.
00:35:01.050 --> 00:35:01.280
- John: Yeah, it is
00:35:01.280 --> 00:35:02.130
a great question.
00:35:02.130 --> 00:35:03.080
And I think a lot of people
00:35:03.080 --> 00:35:05.110
go through that.
00:35:05.110 --> 00:35:05.290
And I know that we have.
00:35:05.290 --> 00:35:07.050
We've dealt with that.
00:35:07.050 --> 00:35:08.140
- Helen: Multiple times.
00:35:08.140 --> 00:35:09.130
- John: Yeah, kids,
00:35:09.130 --> 00:35:11.070
and ministry, and travel,
00:35:11.070 --> 00:35:12.200
and how do you keep
00:35:12.200 --> 00:35:14.000
this relationship, alive?
00:35:16.280 --> 00:35:18.140
And the answer, to me,
00:35:18.140 --> 00:35:19.240
is you've gotta plan it.
00:35:19.240 --> 00:35:21.050
You know, and planning is
00:35:21.050 --> 00:35:22.080
so important.
00:35:22.080 --> 00:35:23.080
A lot of people, they want to.
00:35:23.080 --> 00:35:25.000
But want-tos that don't have
00:35:25.000 --> 00:35:26.090
plans behind it end up
00:35:26.090 --> 00:35:28.040
actually hurting you more
00:35:28.040 --> 00:35:29.130
than anything 'cause you
00:35:29.130 --> 00:35:30.070
just get disappointed.
00:35:30.070 --> 00:35:31.130
So we learnt that we had to get
00:35:31.130 --> 00:35:33.210
a calendar.
00:35:33.210 --> 00:35:34.170
And on the calendar we had
00:35:34.170 --> 00:35:35.210
to schedule intimate time,
00:35:35.210 --> 00:35:38.090
which meant, you know,
00:35:38.090 --> 00:35:39.120
time that we actually spend
00:35:39.120 --> 00:35:40.150
with each other,
00:35:40.150 --> 00:35:41.030
not talkin' about the kids.
00:35:41.030 --> 00:35:42.140
Not talkin' about, you know,
00:35:42.140 --> 00:35:43.290
the ministry, the church,
00:35:43.290 --> 00:35:45.010
all that stuff.
00:35:45.010 --> 00:35:45.290
But just, "How are you doing?
00:35:45.290 --> 00:35:47.210
You know, how are you doing?"
00:35:47.210 --> 00:35:49.090
And out of that comes
00:35:49.090 --> 00:35:51.060
great intimacy.
00:35:51.060 --> 00:35:52.070
A lot of times people even ask
00:35:52.070 --> 00:35:54.260
things like, "How do you keep
00:35:54.260 --> 00:35:56.020
the sexual relationship
00:35:56.020 --> 00:35:57.000
in marriage, you know, alive?
00:35:57.000 --> 00:35:59.010
And how do you keep it,
00:35:59.010 --> 00:36:00.260
you know, really exciting?"
00:36:00.260 --> 00:36:03.050
And it's not all the crazy stuff
00:36:03.050 --> 00:36:05.290
that sometimes our world
00:36:05.290 --> 00:36:07.050
will teach you.
00:36:07.050 --> 00:36:08.030
It's recognizing that sex is
00:36:08.030 --> 00:36:10.010
the celebration of love.
00:36:10.010 --> 00:36:11.190
And if you keep love alive,
00:36:11.190 --> 00:36:13.240
that will be there,
00:36:13.240 --> 00:36:14.270
and that will be exciting.
00:36:14.270 --> 00:36:16.120
And so, putting that time
00:36:16.120 --> 00:36:18.200
on the calendar that you
00:36:18.200 --> 00:36:19.190
actually plug into each other,
00:36:19.190 --> 00:36:21.240
connect with each other,
00:36:21.240 --> 00:36:23.040
find out what's going on
00:36:23.040 --> 00:36:24.030
in each other's life,
00:36:24.030 --> 00:36:25.100
really does overflow
00:36:25.100 --> 00:36:27.020
into everything else.
00:36:27.020 --> 00:36:28.060
But also, I think
00:36:28.060 --> 00:36:29.190
the sexual relationship
00:36:29.190 --> 00:36:30.210
is really important.
00:36:30.210 --> 00:36:32.040
And a lot of times,
00:36:32.040 --> 00:36:33.270
in a marriage, either the wife
00:36:33.270 --> 00:36:35.160
or the husband kinda feel
00:36:35.160 --> 00:36:37.110
like it's not workin'.
00:36:37.110 --> 00:36:39.250
You know, one might want more.
00:36:39.250 --> 00:36:42.120
One might want less.
00:36:42.120 --> 00:36:43.220
And so you have to come together
00:36:43.220 --> 00:36:45.230
and not when you're
00:36:46.160 --> 00:36:49.160
kind of upset with each other,
00:36:49.160 --> 00:36:50.280
but when everything's
00:36:50.280 --> 00:36:51.190
going well.
00:36:51.190 --> 00:36:52.160
Talk about it.
00:36:52.160 --> 00:36:53.210
What would be the best?
00:36:53.210 --> 00:36:55.130
You know, what would
00:36:55.130 --> 00:36:56.190
really minister to you
00:36:56.190 --> 00:36:58.150
as far as fulfill you?
00:36:58.150 --> 00:37:00.140
And the two of you come up with,
00:37:00.140 --> 00:37:02.240
you know, what that is
00:37:02.240 --> 00:37:03.200
answer-wise.
00:37:03.200 --> 00:37:04.250
And then don't leave it up
00:37:04.250 --> 00:37:06.020
to one.
00:37:06.020 --> 00:37:07.020
You know, often, you know, we
00:37:07.020 --> 00:37:09.070
think the guy is supposed to do
00:37:09.070 --> 00:37:10.240
all the pursuing so we
00:37:10.240 --> 00:37:12.120
take that over into marriage.
00:37:12.120 --> 00:37:13.230
And we take that
00:37:13.230 --> 00:37:14.120
into the sexual arena.
00:37:14.120 --> 00:37:15.290
That means he
00:37:15.290 --> 00:37:16.200
has to continually pursue her.
00:37:16.200 --> 00:37:18.230
And if there's a time
00:37:18.230 --> 00:37:21.190
when it's not really workin'
00:37:21.190 --> 00:37:22.230
all that great, it will really
00:37:22.230 --> 00:37:25.200
tear the two of you apart.
00:37:25.200 --> 00:37:27.100
So share the responsibility.
00:37:27.100 --> 00:37:29.190
So, you know, how often,
00:37:29.190 --> 00:37:31.200
and share the responsibility.
00:37:31.200 --> 00:37:33.100
Mark it on the calendar.
00:37:33.100 --> 00:37:34.230
Make sure
00:37:34.230 --> 00:37:35.230
that your main objective
00:37:35.230 --> 00:37:37.220
on the calendar is that you
00:37:37.220 --> 00:37:39.130
connect, that you
00:37:39.130 --> 00:37:40.190
get to know each other.
00:37:40.190 --> 00:37:41.190
Because, like, we've been
00:37:41.190 --> 00:37:42.110
married for 42 years, and she's
00:37:42.110 --> 00:37:44.220
a moving target, you know?
00:37:44.220 --> 00:37:47.030
I thought I knew her,
00:37:47.030 --> 00:37:48.050
but she keeps changing.
00:37:48.050 --> 00:37:49.160
And I think women do that
00:37:49.160 --> 00:37:51.050
on purpose 'cause they
00:37:51.050 --> 00:37:53.060
wanna give you a goal, a target,
00:37:53.060 --> 00:37:55.050
you have to keep on pursuing.
00:37:55.050 --> 00:37:56.140
They wanna be pursued.
00:37:56.140 --> 00:37:57.090
- Niyah: C'mon.
00:37:57.090 --> 00:37:58.010
- John: They wanna be pursued.
00:37:58.010 --> 00:37:59.060
But the pursuing
00:37:59.060 --> 00:38:00.070
isn't to get her into bed.
00:38:00.070 --> 00:38:01.170
The pursuing is to get to know
00:38:01.170 --> 00:38:03.110
who she is.
00:38:03.110 --> 00:38:04.100
And when that happens,
00:38:04.100 --> 00:38:05.130
I think everything else follows.
00:38:05.130 --> 00:38:08.130
- female: Hi, as a parent,
00:38:08.130 --> 00:38:10.160
when dealing with a teenager
00:38:10.160 --> 00:38:12.110
who is going through
00:38:12.110 --> 00:38:13.060
some really hard times,
00:38:13.060 --> 00:38:16.060
mental health issues,
00:38:16.060 --> 00:38:18.230
depression, how do you deal
00:38:18.230 --> 00:38:21.220
with that, with them trying
00:38:21.220 --> 00:38:22.290
to take their lives away?
00:38:22.290 --> 00:38:24.150
How do you deal with that
00:38:24.150 --> 00:38:26.080
as a parent?
00:38:26.080 --> 00:38:27.260
- John: Wow.
00:38:27.260 --> 00:38:28.110
I don't think there is
00:38:28.110 --> 00:38:29.170
any easy way
00:38:29.170 --> 00:38:30.130
to deal with that.
00:38:30.130 --> 00:38:31.150
I mean, to come up
00:38:31.150 --> 00:38:33.120
with a trite answer
00:38:33.120 --> 00:38:34.210
would almost feel like, "Wow,"
00:38:34.210 --> 00:38:37.070
you can't do that.
00:38:37.070 --> 00:38:38.120
So right off the bat
00:38:38.120 --> 00:38:40.060
I'd just say there's
00:38:40.060 --> 00:38:40.230
no easy answer to that.
00:38:40.230 --> 00:38:42.130
But I think, in general,
00:38:42.130 --> 00:38:44.140
what we always are trying to do
00:38:44.140 --> 00:38:45.190
as parents is transition
00:38:45.190 --> 00:38:47.030
from being policemen
00:38:47.030 --> 00:38:50.000
to being coach to being friend.
00:38:50.110 --> 00:38:53.110
And what they need at that stage
00:38:53.110 --> 00:38:55.090
in their life is typically
00:38:55.090 --> 00:38:57.220
the friend.
00:38:57.220 --> 00:38:58.130
They need you as a parent,
00:38:58.130 --> 00:39:00.030
but they don't need you telling
00:39:00.030 --> 00:39:01.240
them what they're doing wrong,
00:39:01.240 --> 00:39:03.060
and telling 'em
00:39:03.060 --> 00:39:03.230
what they're doing,
00:39:03.230 --> 00:39:04.090
you know, what they need to do.
00:39:04.090 --> 00:39:06.030
But that you need to transition
00:39:06.030 --> 00:39:07.210
to that place.
00:39:07.210 --> 00:39:08.290
And what we found is, again,
00:39:10.070 --> 00:39:13.070
going back to scheduling.
00:39:13.070 --> 00:39:14.150
We would schedule, I'd take
00:39:14.150 --> 00:39:16.130
my daughters on dates.
00:39:16.130 --> 00:39:17.220
But the purpose of a date was
00:39:17.230 --> 00:39:20.230
to be their friend.
00:39:20.230 --> 00:39:21.200
The purpose of a date was to get
00:39:21.200 --> 00:39:23.120
in their world.
00:39:23.120 --> 00:39:24.180
The purpose of their date was
00:39:24.180 --> 00:39:25.210
to understand what's happening
00:39:25.210 --> 00:39:27.090
in their lives
00:39:27.090 --> 00:39:28.030
so that if something was open,
00:39:28.030 --> 00:39:30.130
the key to parenting
00:39:30.130 --> 00:39:32.030
is that if there's a problem,
00:39:32.030 --> 00:39:33.180
they're gonna come to you.
00:39:33.180 --> 00:39:34.250
If they don't come to you,
00:39:34.250 --> 00:39:36.090
and if they go
00:39:36.090 --> 00:39:36.240
to all their friends,
00:39:36.240 --> 00:39:37.150
you have no voice
00:39:37.150 --> 00:39:40.150
in their lives, so.
00:39:40.150 --> 00:39:41.240
- Helen: But as a parent,
00:39:41.240 --> 00:39:42.260
dealing with things
00:39:42.260 --> 00:39:43.190
one of our daughters
00:39:46.010 --> 00:39:46.240
went through anorexia.
00:39:46.240 --> 00:39:48.060
It was devastating.
00:39:48.060 --> 00:39:49.160
And we had to get more help.
00:39:49.220 --> 00:39:52.220
There was help available.
00:39:52.220 --> 00:39:54.080
And I think that's where we
00:39:54.080 --> 00:39:55.280
reached out to people
00:39:55.280 --> 00:39:57.020
that were experts in this area
00:39:57.020 --> 00:39:58.220
that could come alongside of us.
00:39:58.220 --> 00:40:00.140
I think sometimes
00:40:00.140 --> 00:40:01.040
even in the Christian world
00:40:01.040 --> 00:40:02.040
we're like, "We don't want
00:40:02.040 --> 00:40:02.280
anybody to know this
00:40:02.280 --> 00:40:04.020
is going on," whether our child
00:40:04.020 --> 00:40:05.190
is having suicidal thoughts,
00:40:05.190 --> 00:40:07.130
or if they're going through
00:40:07.130 --> 00:40:08.190
an eating disorder.
00:40:08.190 --> 00:40:09.190
I believe
00:40:09.190 --> 00:40:10.040
in the larger community.
00:40:10.040 --> 00:40:11.100
And there's tremendous help
00:40:11.100 --> 00:40:12.120
available.
00:40:12.120 --> 00:40:13.030
No one's ever alone.
00:40:13.030 --> 00:40:14.230
There's always help available.
00:40:14.230 --> 00:40:16.080
So I think with that is taking
00:40:16.080 --> 00:40:18.090
the shame and the cover off.
00:40:18.090 --> 00:40:20.260
It is exactly like John said.
00:40:20.260 --> 00:40:22.110
You come alongside your child
00:40:22.110 --> 00:40:23.140
and say, "I'm on your team.
00:40:23.140 --> 00:40:25.090
I am on your team.
00:40:25.090 --> 00:40:26.070
We're gonna do this together.
00:40:26.070 --> 00:40:27.110
You're not alone.
00:40:27.110 --> 00:40:28.060
Nothing you could ever do would
00:40:28.060 --> 00:40:29.100
make me love you less or more.
00:40:29.100 --> 00:40:31.010
I'm here for you, but we're
00:40:31.010 --> 00:40:32.110
gonna get the help needed,
00:40:32.110 --> 00:40:33.220
whether it's a doctor,
00:40:33.220 --> 00:40:34.180
whether it's a therapist,
00:40:34.180 --> 00:40:35.160
a counselor, church community,
00:40:35.160 --> 00:40:37.170
whatever it is.
00:40:37.170 --> 00:40:38.090
But we're gonna do this
00:40:38.090 --> 00:40:38.250
together."
00:40:38.250 --> 00:40:39.100
And when your child's
00:40:39.100 --> 00:40:40.090
going through that,
00:40:40.090 --> 00:40:41.080
you need it as a parent
00:40:41.080 --> 00:40:42.210
as much as they need help.
00:40:42.210 --> 00:40:44.050
And that's one of the things
00:40:44.050 --> 00:40:44.290
that I needed to learn
00:40:44.290 --> 00:40:45.290
as a pastor.
00:40:45.290 --> 00:40:46.280
It was hard for me to realize
00:40:46.280 --> 00:40:49.200
that, "I'm not perfect.
00:40:49.200 --> 00:40:51.060
My child
00:40:51.060 --> 00:40:51.250
is going through stuff."
00:40:51.250 --> 00:40:52.220
And it happened,
00:40:52.220 --> 00:40:53.150
and I couldn't believe
00:40:53.150 --> 00:40:54.080
this happened to us, but it did.
00:40:54.080 --> 00:40:56.010
And that's where I'm
00:40:56.010 --> 00:40:56.280
so thankful.
00:40:56.280 --> 00:40:57.190
I didn't find shame from anyone.
00:40:57.190 --> 00:40:59.070
I didn't find judgment
00:40:59.070 --> 00:41:00.040
from anyone.
00:41:00.040 --> 00:41:00.250
I found people coming
00:41:00.250 --> 00:41:02.040
alongside us and helping us
00:41:02.040 --> 00:41:03.110
carry this through.
00:41:03.110 --> 00:41:04.120
'Cause every parent will need
00:41:04.120 --> 00:41:05.150
as much help as their child
00:41:05.150 --> 00:41:06.200
during that.
00:41:06.200 --> 00:41:09.010
- female: My question is
00:41:09.010 --> 00:41:10.000
how does one build
00:41:10.000 --> 00:41:11.050
a trusting relationship
00:41:11.050 --> 00:41:12.170
when the other person
00:41:12.170 --> 00:41:13.230
in the relationship comes
00:41:13.230 --> 00:41:14.170
from a lot of brokenness?
00:41:14.170 --> 00:41:16.150
- Helen: That's another one
00:41:16.150 --> 00:41:17.080
of those loaded questions.
00:41:17.080 --> 00:41:18.230
Because trust would be, to me,
00:41:18.230 --> 00:41:20.160
one of the essential absolutes
00:41:20.160 --> 00:41:22.280
in every single relationship.
00:41:22.280 --> 00:41:24.210
And when there has been
00:41:24.210 --> 00:41:26.050
brokenness, what we have to do
00:41:26.050 --> 00:41:28.200
is not put more shame on them
00:41:28.200 --> 00:41:30.200
and say, "I can't trust you
00:41:30.200 --> 00:41:31.190
because this happened,
00:41:31.190 --> 00:41:32.170
this happened, this happened."
00:41:32.170 --> 00:41:33.250
Because everyone's got a past.
00:41:33.250 --> 00:41:35.120
And some people's is
00:41:35.120 --> 00:41:36.040
a little messier than others.
00:41:36.040 --> 00:41:37.240
We all have stuff.
00:41:37.240 --> 00:41:39.080
And I think what we need to do
00:41:39.080 --> 00:41:40.160
is learn how to come
00:41:40.160 --> 00:41:41.130
alongside people.
00:41:41.130 --> 00:41:43.030
But own the fact that trust is
00:41:43.030 --> 00:41:44.290
an issue for you if this
00:41:44.290 --> 00:41:46.070
has happened.
00:41:46.070 --> 00:41:46.220
Say they've had, like, you know,
00:41:46.220 --> 00:41:48.200
a lot of sexual partners.
00:41:48.200 --> 00:41:50.090
I'm just throwing out
00:41:50.090 --> 00:41:51.010
something like that.
00:41:51.010 --> 00:41:52.060
Or if they've done drugs
00:41:52.060 --> 00:41:53.060
in the past,
00:41:53.060 --> 00:41:53.220
or not handled finances,
00:41:53.220 --> 00:41:55.190
been in prison,
00:41:55.190 --> 00:41:56.130
whatever it might be.
00:41:56.130 --> 00:41:57.180
There has to be honesty,
00:41:57.180 --> 00:41:59.090
first of all.
00:41:59.090 --> 00:42:00.060
They have to feel like they
00:42:00.060 --> 00:42:01.040
can--I would want to know
00:42:01.040 --> 00:42:02.060
everything.
00:42:02.060 --> 00:42:03.110
Not every single detail, but I
00:42:03.110 --> 00:42:04.270
would want to know the facts
00:42:04.270 --> 00:42:06.130
so that I can make a decision
00:42:06.130 --> 00:42:08.140
whether I can handle this
00:42:08.140 --> 00:42:10.050
and move forward
00:42:10.050 --> 00:42:11.030
into the future with them.
00:42:11.030 --> 00:42:12.190
And I always say you can't build
00:42:12.190 --> 00:42:14.220
a future with somebody
00:42:14.220 --> 00:42:15.290
who can't handle your past.
00:42:15.290 --> 00:42:17.250
And if they can't, then it's
00:42:17.250 --> 00:42:19.050
just, you know, "Thank you
00:42:19.050 --> 00:42:20.040
for being an amazing person,
00:42:20.040 --> 00:42:21.130
but I'm gonna pray for you."
00:42:21.130 --> 00:42:22.260
Now, this is obviously someone
00:42:22.260 --> 00:42:24.160
you're dating,
00:42:24.160 --> 00:42:25.130
not someone you're married to.
00:42:25.130 --> 00:42:26.180
That changes it.
00:42:26.180 --> 00:42:27.240
It's a different answer.
00:42:27.240 --> 00:42:29.110
But in a dating relationship
00:42:29.110 --> 00:42:30.140
you have to be sure.
00:42:30.140 --> 00:42:31.170
In a friendship you have to be
00:42:31.170 --> 00:42:32.180
sure that you can handle that.
00:42:32.180 --> 00:42:34.170
And I would release someone
00:42:34.170 --> 00:42:35.250
who couldn't.
00:42:35.250 --> 00:42:36.150
But having said that,
00:42:36.150 --> 00:42:37.190
now we can go forward and say,
00:42:37.190 --> 00:42:39.060
"I want to trust you.
00:42:39.060 --> 00:42:40.040
These--I admit it,
00:42:40.040 --> 00:42:41.180
I feel insecure maybe
00:42:41.180 --> 00:42:42.260
about some of these things,
00:42:42.260 --> 00:42:44.010
but I wanna be on your team.
00:42:44.010 --> 00:42:45.180
I don't wanna be
00:42:45.180 --> 00:42:46.100
your policeperson,
00:42:46.100 --> 00:42:47.110
but I wanna help you."
00:42:47.110 --> 00:42:48.280
And if they're open to that,
00:42:48.280 --> 00:42:50.170
and they can be honest about it,
00:42:50.170 --> 00:42:51.260
then I can think you can move
00:42:51.260 --> 00:42:52.240
forward with little baby steps,
00:42:52.240 --> 00:42:55.030
but you can get there.
00:42:55.030 --> 00:42:56.230
- Niyah: Man, so much godly
00:42:56.230 --> 00:42:57.170
advice and so much godly wisdom.
00:42:57.170 --> 00:42:59.080
Thank you so much for sharing.
00:42:59.080 --> 00:43:01.010
Now, right after the break,
00:43:01.010 --> 00:43:02.060
John and Helen outline
00:43:02.060 --> 00:43:03.020
their final messages
00:43:03.020 --> 00:43:04.000
on the topics
00:43:04.000 --> 00:43:04.210
of rebuilding trust.
00:43:04.210 --> 00:43:06.220
You're not gonna wanna
00:43:06.220 --> 00:43:07.110
miss this.
00:43:07.110 --> 00:43:07.280
- Niyah: Welcome back
00:43:20.040 --> 00:43:20.240
to the show where we cover
00:43:20.240 --> 00:43:22.020
everything surrounding sex,
00:43:22.020 --> 00:43:23.200
love, and relationships.
00:43:23.200 --> 00:43:25.270
Now, I know we've talked
00:43:25.270 --> 00:43:27.010
a lot about love
00:43:27.010 --> 00:43:28.030
and relationships.
00:43:28.030 --> 00:43:29.080
And some of you might be like,
00:43:29.080 --> 00:43:30.080
"Well, what about sex?"
00:43:30.080 --> 00:43:31.240
Oh my goodness, we're gonna talk
00:43:31.240 --> 00:43:32.290
about it today.
00:43:32.290 --> 00:43:34.140
But before we do,
00:43:34.140 --> 00:43:35.140
we couldn't resist asking
00:43:35.140 --> 00:43:36.190
our studio audience members
00:43:36.190 --> 00:43:38.060
if they would reveal
00:43:38.060 --> 00:43:39.050
their own insights on sex,
00:43:39.050 --> 00:43:41.070
love, and relationships
00:43:41.070 --> 00:43:42.120
for John and Helen to see.
00:43:42.120 --> 00:43:43.220
Let's see.
00:43:43.220 --> 00:43:45.020
- male: What are
00:43:45.020 --> 00:43:45.170
- female: Thank God.
00:43:48.060 --> 00:43:50.070
- male: Why do you think
00:43:50.070 --> 00:43:50.230
good people cheat?
00:43:50.230 --> 00:43:52.120
- female: Wow,
00:43:52.120 --> 00:43:55.110
just human behavior
00:43:55.110 --> 00:43:56.240
and not always following
00:43:56.240 --> 00:43:59.110
the right thing.
00:43:59.110 --> 00:44:00.120
It's just a part
00:44:00.120 --> 00:44:01.030
of the human behavior.
00:44:01.030 --> 00:44:03.140
- male: What do you do if you
00:44:03.140 --> 00:44:04.090
like someone?
00:44:04.150 --> 00:44:07.150
- female: I make myself
00:44:07.150 --> 00:44:09.050
a little bit available,
00:44:09.050 --> 00:44:10.230
talking to them, and trying
00:44:10.230 --> 00:44:11.270
to get to know them.
00:44:11.270 --> 00:44:13.240
- male: Do you think sexting's
00:44:13.240 --> 00:44:14.140
okay?
00:44:14.140 --> 00:44:15.230
- female: Sexting is not okay.
00:44:15.230 --> 00:44:17.280
It kinda goes
00:44:17.280 --> 00:44:18.180
into another territory.
00:44:18.180 --> 00:44:20.130
Unless you're married,
00:44:20.130 --> 00:44:22.040
then you can sext all you want.
00:44:22.040 --> 00:44:23.190
But not really if you're single.
00:44:23.190 --> 00:44:26.160
- male: What's a symbol
00:44:26.160 --> 00:44:27.040
of being in love?
00:44:27.040 --> 00:44:29.080
- female: A symbol of being
00:44:29.080 --> 00:44:30.160
in love is probably
00:44:30.160 --> 00:44:31.190
real compassion,
00:44:31.190 --> 00:44:33.120
and loving when you don't
00:44:33.120 --> 00:44:34.190
necessarily feel like loving.
00:44:34.210 --> 00:44:37.210
- male: Do you think opposites
00:44:37.210 --> 00:44:38.100
can attract?
00:44:38.100 --> 00:44:39.150
- female: Yes.
00:44:39.150 --> 00:44:41.020
- male: Should you text someone
00:44:41.020 --> 00:44:41.230
right back?
00:44:41.230 --> 00:44:43.080
- female: I think it's okay
00:44:43.080 --> 00:44:44.100
if you know that person
00:44:44.100 --> 00:44:46.080
and you know how they're
00:44:46.080 --> 00:44:46.290
gonna respond to you.
00:44:46.290 --> 00:44:48.050
If you don't feel nervous
00:44:48.050 --> 00:44:48.210
about it, you can go
00:44:48.210 --> 00:44:49.080
with your first instinct.
00:44:49.080 --> 00:44:51.120
- male: Do you think flirting
00:44:51.120 --> 00:44:52.000
is cheating?
00:44:52.000 --> 00:44:54.050
- female: If you're married
00:44:54.050 --> 00:44:54.240
it is.
00:44:55.030 --> 00:44:58.030
- male: If you could ask a man
00:44:58.030 --> 00:44:59.010
one question, what would it be?
00:44:59.080 --> 00:45:02.100
- female: Do you have
00:45:02.100 --> 00:45:02.250
a real genuine relationship
00:45:02.250 --> 00:45:05.060
with Jesus Christ?
00:45:05.060 --> 00:45:06.070
Is he the head of your life?
00:45:06.070 --> 00:45:07.270
- male: Is being friends
00:45:07.270 --> 00:45:08.130
with your ex okay?
00:45:08.130 --> 00:45:10.070
- female: It depends
00:45:10.070 --> 00:45:10.230
on the relationship.
00:45:10.230 --> 00:45:12.020
I don't know.
00:45:12.020 --> 00:45:13.000
It just depends on the history
00:45:13.000 --> 00:45:14.100
of that relationship if you
00:45:14.100 --> 00:45:15.200
can be friends or not
00:45:15.200 --> 00:45:16.180
- John: Some really good,
00:45:19.070 --> 00:45:19.240
you know, how she,
00:45:19.240 --> 00:45:21.020
she listened, she thought,
00:45:21.020 --> 00:45:22.120
and she responded,
00:45:22.120 --> 00:45:23.180
and she had quite a bit to say.
00:45:23.180 --> 00:45:26.000
- Helen: I would applaud her
00:45:26.000 --> 00:45:28.060
on every one of those,
00:45:28.060 --> 00:45:29.170
other than I'm not sure
00:45:29.170 --> 00:45:30.170
about if you're married.
00:45:30.170 --> 00:45:31.120
Don't be sending me
00:45:31.120 --> 00:45:32.060
any pictures.
00:45:32.060 --> 00:45:33.080
- John: Yeah, I don't agree
00:45:33.080 --> 00:45:35.070
with that one.
00:45:35.070 --> 00:45:36.040
- Helen: Too many children,
00:45:36.040 --> 00:45:37.040
grandchildren, and people
00:45:37.040 --> 00:45:38.030
in the world, yeah.
00:45:38.030 --> 00:45:39.030
And beside, we're old.
00:45:39.030 --> 00:45:40.170
- John: I think
00:45:40.170 --> 00:45:41.020
what was interesting to me was,
00:45:41.020 --> 00:45:42.190
"If you like somebody,
00:45:42.190 --> 00:45:43.260
what do you do?"
00:45:43.260 --> 00:45:44.200
Well, you make yourself
00:45:44.200 --> 00:45:45.140
available.
00:45:45.140 --> 00:45:46.140
- Helen: So you can get to know
00:45:46.140 --> 00:45:47.180
them better.
00:45:47.180 --> 00:45:48.080
Absolutely what I would do.
00:45:48.080 --> 00:45:50.110
- Niyah: I loved that one.
00:45:50.110 --> 00:45:51.080
And one of the questions
00:45:51.080 --> 00:45:52.100
that stuck out to me,
00:45:52.100 --> 00:45:53.020
she was like, "What would you
00:45:53.020 --> 00:45:54.100
ask a guy if you had
00:45:54.100 --> 00:45:55.160
the chance to?"
00:45:55.160 --> 00:45:56.100
And she said, "Do you have
00:45:56.100 --> 00:45:57.180
a genuine, true relationship
00:45:57.180 --> 00:45:59.140
with Jesus Christ?"
00:45:59.140 --> 00:46:00.250
Now, I love that.
00:46:00.250 --> 00:46:02.090
But to me, I kinda think
00:46:02.090 --> 00:46:03.140
of like, "Hmm, would they
00:46:03.140 --> 00:46:05.060
really be honest about that
00:46:05.060 --> 00:46:07.250
at, you know what I'm saying,
00:46:07.250 --> 00:46:08.260
to the full extent
00:46:08.260 --> 00:46:10.010
if they're very interested
00:46:10.010 --> 00:46:10.290
in the girl, you know?"
00:46:10.290 --> 00:46:12.100
- John: Right.
00:46:12.100 --> 00:46:13.000
- Helen: That's a great point.
00:46:13.000 --> 00:46:14.190
I think one, that question,
00:46:14.190 --> 00:46:16.010
he may feel, "Yes, absolutely."
00:46:16.010 --> 00:46:18.190
But I think that what does
00:46:18.190 --> 00:46:21.030
a genuine relationship
00:46:21.030 --> 00:46:22.190
look like with Jesus to you?
00:46:22.190 --> 00:46:24.140
That where are you going
00:46:24.140 --> 00:46:25.140
with your life?
00:46:25.140 --> 00:46:26.140
What does that mean to you?
00:46:26.140 --> 00:46:27.230
And I think you can't answer
00:46:27.230 --> 00:46:29.080
that in a one-word question.
00:46:29.080 --> 00:46:31.020
I mean, a question
00:46:31.020 --> 00:46:32.040
with a one-word answers.
00:46:32.040 --> 00:46:33.060
It's actually a relationship
00:46:33.060 --> 00:46:34.090
of discovery.
00:46:34.090 --> 00:46:35.110
- John: And I think that's why
00:46:35.110 --> 00:46:36.090
it's so important that you
00:46:36.090 --> 00:46:38.080
actually get to know each other
00:46:38.080 --> 00:46:40.090
across the room.
00:46:40.090 --> 00:46:41.100
In other words, you don't get
00:46:41.100 --> 00:46:42.150
into this attraction
00:46:42.150 --> 00:46:45.020
relationship and then you ask
00:46:45.020 --> 00:46:46.150
those questions, because people
00:46:46.150 --> 00:46:47.250
do turn into chameleons,
00:46:47.250 --> 00:46:49.170
and they will be whatever color
00:46:49.170 --> 00:46:50.280
you want them to be.
00:46:50.280 --> 00:46:52.050
But if you watch
00:46:52.050 --> 00:46:53.010
across the room, you can tell.
00:46:53.010 --> 00:46:54.070
Do they really have
00:46:54.070 --> 00:46:55.040
a relationship?
00:46:55.040 --> 00:46:56.010
Especially if you watch 'em
00:46:56.010 --> 00:46:56.240
in church.
00:46:56.240 --> 00:46:57.140
Are they really worshipers?
00:46:57.140 --> 00:46:58.240
Or what happens
00:46:58.240 --> 00:46:59.180
when the offering goes by?
00:46:59.180 --> 00:47:02.020
- Helen: Yeah, I think
00:47:02.020 --> 00:47:02.170
pay attention to that one.
00:47:02.170 --> 00:47:03.240
- Niyah: Ooh yeah.
00:47:03.240 --> 00:47:05.000
Was that a 5 or a $100 bill
00:47:05.000 --> 00:47:06.170
in there?
00:47:06.170 --> 00:47:08.130
Now, we're gonna get things
00:47:08.130 --> 00:47:09.150
a little spicy right now
00:47:09.150 --> 00:47:11.010
because this is the questions
00:47:11.010 --> 00:47:12.180
that you guys have been waiting
00:47:12.180 --> 00:47:13.250
for, some of these questions
00:47:13.250 --> 00:47:14.270
our viewers sent in about sex.
00:47:14.270 --> 00:47:16.290
The first question they sent in
00:47:16.290 --> 00:47:18.010
was, "In dating, when do you
00:47:18.010 --> 00:47:19.260
bring up your sexual past?
00:47:19.260 --> 00:47:22.000
And how much do you reveal?"
00:47:22.000 --> 00:47:24.080
Hmm.
00:47:24.080 --> 00:47:25.010
- Helen: Well, I talk about
00:47:25.010 --> 00:47:27.030
this often as I'm, you know,
00:47:27.030 --> 00:47:29.100
talking with young people,
00:47:29.100 --> 00:47:30.220
or talking
00:47:30.220 --> 00:47:31.070
premarital relationships
00:47:31.070 --> 00:47:33.170
and that.
00:47:33.170 --> 00:47:34.090
Because I think that it's
00:47:34.090 --> 00:47:35.180
very important
00:47:35.180 --> 00:47:36.170
that if you've had
00:47:36.170 --> 00:47:37.200
a sexual past,
00:47:37.200 --> 00:47:39.040
that we're honest about that.
00:47:39.040 --> 00:47:40.190
I think about
00:47:40.190 --> 00:47:41.050
not just our sexual past,
00:47:41.050 --> 00:47:42.180
if you have, like if you've had
00:47:42.180 --> 00:47:43.260
bankruptcy, if you've been
00:47:43.260 --> 00:47:45.210
in prison, if you have an STD,
00:47:45.210 --> 00:47:47.150
like, all of the above.
00:47:47.150 --> 00:47:49.030
- John: If you've had a,
00:47:49.030 --> 00:47:49.260
you know, an abortion or a baby
00:47:49.260 --> 00:47:52.050
in the past.
00:47:52.050 --> 00:47:53.010
There's so many things.
00:47:53.010 --> 00:47:54.110
- Helen: Yeah, and I think they
00:47:54.110 --> 00:47:55.210
need to be talked about.
00:47:55.210 --> 00:47:57.000
And I think that you don't talk
00:47:57.000 --> 00:47:59.240
about 'em too soon.
00:47:59.240 --> 00:48:00.210
I think so often we reveal
00:48:00.210 --> 00:48:01.190
everything and we tell people
00:48:01.190 --> 00:48:03.080
stuff they don't need to know
00:48:03.080 --> 00:48:04.190
because the relationship's
00:48:04.190 --> 00:48:05.150
not gonna go where it
00:48:05.150 --> 00:48:06.130
actually, you know, where you
00:48:06.130 --> 00:48:07.170
might think it's going.
00:48:07.170 --> 00:48:08.190
But I do think
00:48:08.190 --> 00:48:09.060
when the relationship
00:48:09.060 --> 00:48:10.030
gets more serious that we
00:48:10.030 --> 00:48:12.060
do need to talk about it.
00:48:12.060 --> 00:48:13.110
If you see a future
00:48:13.110 --> 00:48:14.040
with this person,
00:48:14.040 --> 00:48:14.250
that you're probably
00:48:14.250 --> 00:48:15.150
going to get married,
00:48:15.150 --> 00:48:16.230
then I think we need to bring up
00:48:16.230 --> 00:48:17.260
our story.
00:48:17.260 --> 00:48:19.020
- Niyah: Okay, so my question
00:48:19.020 --> 00:48:19.290
is this.
00:48:19.290 --> 00:48:20.190
So you bring up
00:48:20.190 --> 00:48:21.060
your sexual past,
00:48:21.060 --> 00:48:22.210
and the person reveals,
00:48:22.210 --> 00:48:23.220
"Okay, yes, I'm not a virgin."
00:48:23.220 --> 00:48:26.190
Why continue the conversation
00:48:26.190 --> 00:48:27.290
past that?
00:48:27.290 --> 00:48:29.010
You know it.
00:48:29.010 --> 00:48:29.170
There's nothing there that's
00:48:29.170 --> 00:48:31.000
huge that we need to talk about.
00:48:31.000 --> 00:48:32.290
So can we just move along
00:48:32.290 --> 00:48:34.120
from there, perhaps?
00:48:34.120 --> 00:48:35.260
- John: Well, that's what I
00:48:35.260 --> 00:48:36.130
think what she meant, well,
00:48:36.130 --> 00:48:37.230
you need to bring it up,
00:48:37.230 --> 00:48:38.220
but not in detail.
00:48:38.220 --> 00:48:39.280
Not everything under the sun.
00:48:39.280 --> 00:48:41.120
You know, just the headlines.
00:48:41.120 --> 00:48:43.070
And then you see
00:48:43.070 --> 00:48:43.280
what the response is.
00:48:43.280 --> 00:48:45.130
- Helen: I think that's
00:48:45.130 --> 00:48:46.010
the actually,
00:48:46.010 --> 00:48:46.160
the most important part of it,
00:48:46.160 --> 00:48:48.030
is to see how they respond
00:48:48.030 --> 00:48:49.170
to you in that situation.
00:48:49.170 --> 00:48:51.270
And not everyone can deal
00:48:51.270 --> 00:48:53.280
with someone that has
00:48:53.280 --> 00:48:55.030
a big past.
00:48:55.030 --> 00:48:56.040
And I think if that's the fact,
00:48:56.040 --> 00:48:57.240
then that's okay.
00:48:57.240 --> 00:48:58.250
Then be free and move on.
00:48:58.250 --> 00:49:01.170
And I think--
00:49:01.170 --> 00:49:02.020
- John: Like, for instance,
00:49:02.020 --> 00:49:02.220
if that--now,
00:49:02.220 --> 00:49:04.010
like, "Tell me everything.
00:49:04.010 --> 00:49:05.060
I wanna know everything."
00:49:05.060 --> 00:49:05.250
Why?
00:49:05.250 --> 00:49:07.020
Why?
00:49:07.020 --> 00:49:07.170
There's a question mark
00:49:07.170 --> 00:49:09.080
right there, you know?
00:49:09.080 --> 00:49:10.180
"Can't you deal with this is
00:49:10.180 --> 00:49:12.070
who I am today?
00:49:12.070 --> 00:49:13.110
Yesterday's gone."
00:49:13.110 --> 00:49:14.220
Right?
00:49:14.220 --> 00:49:15.090
- Helen: And if they
00:49:15.090 --> 00:49:15.240
can't handle it,
00:49:15.240 --> 00:49:17.120
then I'd just say move on.
00:49:17.120 --> 00:49:19.040
And because then you can walk
00:49:19.040 --> 00:49:21.270
away from the relationship
00:49:21.270 --> 00:49:23.120
and know that that person can't
00:49:23.120 --> 00:49:24.200
handle it, or never, ever marry
00:49:24.200 --> 00:49:26.210
someone who can't forgive
00:49:26.210 --> 00:49:29.100
and move on.
00:49:29.100 --> 00:49:30.110
I think that's very telling
00:49:30.110 --> 00:49:31.050
about the person.
00:49:31.050 --> 00:49:32.160
But I think having said that,
00:49:32.160 --> 00:49:34.180
when you open--I would hope
00:49:34.180 --> 00:49:36.280
that if I had
00:49:36.280 --> 00:49:37.170
a really hurting past
00:49:37.170 --> 00:49:39.020
and had made really bad choices
00:49:39.020 --> 00:49:40.230
in my life
00:49:40.230 --> 00:49:41.140
about any of the things I
00:49:41.140 --> 00:49:42.150
might have mentioned,
00:49:42.150 --> 00:49:43.270
that I would have a husband
00:49:43.270 --> 00:49:46.130
in my future that would look
00:49:46.130 --> 00:49:47.290
at me and say,
00:49:47.290 --> 00:49:48.270
"That's in your past.
00:49:48.270 --> 00:49:50.000
Now let's go build
00:49:50.000 --> 00:49:50.240
a beautiful future together."
00:49:50.240 --> 00:49:52.060
Because love covers.
00:49:52.060 --> 00:49:53.150
Love doesn't expose.
00:49:53.150 --> 00:49:54.210
Love doesn't shame.
00:49:54.210 --> 00:49:55.210
Love covers.
00:49:55.210 --> 00:49:56.250
- Niyah: So when do you do
00:49:56.250 --> 00:49:57.210
that though?
00:49:57.210 --> 00:49:58.110
Say if you have
00:49:58.110 --> 00:49:59.030
a heavy sexual past
00:49:59.030 --> 00:50:00.270
of some sort and where things
00:50:00.270 --> 00:50:02.170
have went on or what have you.
00:50:02.170 --> 00:50:04.060
Do you wait until you
00:50:04.060 --> 00:50:05.070
get engaged to reveal it?
00:50:05.070 --> 00:50:06.210
Do you wait till
00:50:06.210 --> 00:50:07.120
the dating phase to reveal it?
00:50:07.120 --> 00:50:09.110
When do you do it?
00:50:09.110 --> 00:50:09.290
- Helen: I think, ideally, it
00:50:09.290 --> 00:50:11.280
would be just pre-engagement.
00:50:11.280 --> 00:50:13.210
And you don't necessarily know
00:50:13.210 --> 00:50:14.190
what that is, but unless you're
00:50:14.190 --> 00:50:16.040
gonna really see a future
00:50:16.040 --> 00:50:17.280
with this person, nobody else
00:50:17.280 --> 00:50:19.130
needs to know that.
00:50:19.130 --> 00:50:20.270
But I think that, you know,
00:50:20.270 --> 00:50:23.010
if this is
00:50:23.010 --> 00:50:23.290
a serious relationship
00:50:23.290 --> 00:50:25.130
that we see a potential
00:50:25.130 --> 00:50:26.280
for the future, then we can talk
00:50:26.280 --> 00:50:28.190
about it now.
00:50:28.190 --> 00:50:29.240
And if it doesn't work,
00:50:29.240 --> 00:50:31.090
then have a great life.
00:50:31.090 --> 00:50:34.000
- Niyah: Awesome,
00:50:34.000 --> 00:50:34.170
awesome advice.
00:50:34.170 --> 00:50:35.180
Now, Pastor John, talk
00:50:35.180 --> 00:50:36.210
about today, our episode today,
00:50:36.210 --> 00:50:38.170
some pretty heavy stuff,
00:50:38.170 --> 00:50:39.170
some pretty heavy conversations.
00:50:39.170 --> 00:50:41.110
How would you sum up today?
00:50:41.110 --> 00:50:43.040
- John: Well, today's show was
00:50:43.040 --> 00:50:44.060
all about trust,
00:50:44.060 --> 00:50:45.010
which I think is one of the most
00:50:45.010 --> 00:50:46.090
important issues.
00:50:46.090 --> 00:50:47.140
And you need to have trust
00:50:47.140 --> 00:50:49.070
in a relationship to build.
00:50:49.070 --> 00:50:50.200
You can't build without trust.
00:50:50.200 --> 00:50:52.050
So somehow, you have
00:50:52.050 --> 00:50:53.150
to figure it out and you
00:50:53.150 --> 00:50:54.170
have to go forward from there.
00:50:54.170 --> 00:50:56.110
Can you get healed from someone
00:50:56.110 --> 00:50:59.000
that has broken trust?
00:50:59.000 --> 00:51:00.150
Yes, but it's gonna take time,
00:51:00.150 --> 00:51:02.120
and it's gonna take
00:51:02.120 --> 00:51:03.130
understanding what trust is.
00:51:03.130 --> 00:51:05.040
So often we're so confused
00:51:05.040 --> 00:51:06.140
in our world.
00:51:06.140 --> 00:51:07.100
And I think this show, I think
00:51:07.100 --> 00:51:08.190
we talked about that trust
00:51:08.190 --> 00:51:10.060
actually, it is not about
00:51:10.060 --> 00:51:12.070
your love or your forgiveness.
00:51:12.070 --> 00:51:13.290
It's about wisdom.
00:51:13.290 --> 00:51:15.040
It's about building on the past.
00:51:15.040 --> 00:51:18.000
And as you do,
00:51:18.000 --> 00:51:20.000
there's nothing stopping you
00:51:20.000 --> 00:51:20.200
- Niyah: Thank you so, so much,
00:51:22.210 --> 00:51:23.280
Pastor John and Pastor Helen,
00:51:23.280 --> 00:51:25.010
for all your wisdom,
00:51:25.010 --> 00:51:25.270
all your godly insight.
00:51:25.270 --> 00:51:27.080
Now, I know we all love
00:51:27.080 --> 00:51:29.060
the funnier parts of this show.
00:51:29.060 --> 00:51:31.080
But we are aware that these are
00:51:31.080 --> 00:51:32.280
some real issues
00:51:32.280 --> 00:51:33.280
that people deal with.
00:51:33.280 --> 00:51:35.010
And if you're concerned
00:51:35.010 --> 00:51:35.260
about a friend or family member,
00:51:35.260 --> 00:51:37.040
or even yourself, regarding
00:51:37.040 --> 00:51:38.170
the topic of rebuilding trust,
00:51:38.170 --> 00:51:40.050
we wanna encourage you
00:51:40.050 --> 00:51:41.030
to reach out to someone.
00:51:41.030 --> 00:51:42.120
Now, next time, we would love
00:51:42.120 --> 00:51:44.140
to see you.
00:51:44.140 --> 00:51:45.050
Be blessed, live large,
00:51:45.050 --> 00:51:46.200
CC by Aberdeen Captioning 1-800-688-6621 abercap.com
00:51:54.060 --> 00:51:58.060

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Sex, Love & Relationships

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