Sex, Love & Relationships | TBN

Sex, Love & Relationships

Watch Sex, Love & Relationships
February 28, 2017
51:59

Guests John & Helen Burns | Trust

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Sex, Love & Relationships

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  • - male announcer: The themes
  • 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:01.170
  • discussed in this episode
  • 00:00:01.170 --> 00:00:02.210
  • do not take into account
  • 00:00:02.210 --> 00:00:03.270
  • your specific situation
  • 00:00:03.270 --> 00:00:05.050
  • or needs.
  • 00:00:05.050 --> 00:00:06.010
  • If you or a family member
  • 00:00:06.010 --> 00:00:07.090
  • requires assistance or support,
  • 00:00:07.090 --> 00:00:09.000
  • please seek help
  • 00:00:09.000 --> 00:00:09.250
  • from a qualified
  • 00:00:09.250 --> 00:00:10.150
  • - Niyah Rahmaan: Welcome
  • 00:00:19.130 --> 00:00:19.290
  • to "Sex, Love & Relationships,"
  • 00:00:19.290 --> 00:00:21.200
  • the show where we talk
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  • about marriage, raising
  • 00:00:22.200 --> 00:00:24.020
  • children, when to have
  • 00:00:24.020 --> 00:00:25.090
  • that discussion about sex,
  • 00:00:25.090 --> 00:00:27.030
  • social media, and online dating.
  • 00:00:27.030 --> 00:00:29.160
  • My name is Niyah, and I'm here
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  • with a special couple
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  • all the way from
  • 00:00:32.110 --> 00:00:32.290
  • Vancouver, Canada,
  • 00:00:32.290 --> 00:00:34.050
  • John and Helen Burns.
  • 00:00:34.050 --> 00:00:35.280
  • John and Helen are a wealth
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  • of knowledge when it comes
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  • to relationships.
  • 00:00:38.090 --> 00:00:39.070
  • They've had their own radio
  • 00:00:39.070 --> 00:00:40.140
  • and television show for years.
  • 00:00:40.140 --> 00:00:42.060
  • They're authors
  • 00:00:42.060 --> 00:00:43.010
  • of award-winning and bestselling
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  • relationship books,
  • 00:00:44.150 --> 00:00:45.180
  • and have been helping singles
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  • and couples navigate
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  • through life for over 30 years.
  • 00:00:48.080 --> 00:00:50.280
  • Today we speak
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  • to a very special guest
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  • who is an author, counselor,
  • 00:00:53.020 --> 00:00:54.140
  • and speaker, and has facilitated
  • 00:00:54.140 --> 00:00:56.070
  • hundreds of seminars
  • 00:00:56.070 --> 00:00:57.190
  • over the last two decades.
  • 00:00:57.190 --> 00:00:59.180
  • - Tina Konkin: Oh, Helen,
  • 00:00:59.180 --> 00:01:00.060
  • that night can be
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  • one of the best nights, and yet,
  • 00:01:01.190 --> 00:01:03.090
  • the worst nights of my life.
  • 00:01:03.090 --> 00:01:04.290
  • And God turned
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  • into something good.
  • 00:01:06.030 --> 00:01:07.130
  • It was the same day
  • 00:01:07.130 --> 00:01:08.130
  • I'd found out that my husband
  • 00:01:08.130 --> 00:01:09.180
  • - Niyah: Also coming up
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  • in this show, we have John
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  • and Helen taking
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  • some real-life questions
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  • from our studio audience.
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  • - male: I'd like to know
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  • your advice on keeping
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  • the affection alive
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  • in a marriage.
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  • - John Burns: A lot of people,
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  • they want to, but want-tos
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  • that don't have plans behind it
  • 00:01:24.120 --> 00:01:25.220
  • end up actually hurting you
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  • more than anything.
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  • - Niyah: And we head
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  • to social media to see
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  • what's trending online.
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  • - Helen Burns:
  • 00:01:30.210 --> 00:01:31.060
  • I just kinda feel like, can we
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  • away for right now?
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  • And let's just talk.
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  • And it's not because we don't
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  • love each other, but we're not
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  • paying attention to the fact
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  • that we are not present.
  • 00:01:41.140 --> 00:01:44.100
  • - Niyah: This show covers
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  • all of the hard-hitting topics
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  • we need godly wisdom on,
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  • - Niyah: So the topic for today
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  • is all about trust.
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  • That's right, the backbone
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  • of all relationships.
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  • If there's no trust,
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  • you can't build a relationship.
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  • Today we talk to experts who are
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  • sitting right next to me,
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  • John and Helen Burns.
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  • Welcome.
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  • - John: Great to be here.
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  • - Niyah: It's good to have you
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  • from Vancouver.
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  • - Helen: You bet.
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  • - Niyah: Well, today we're
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  • talkin' about trust, right?
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  • - John: Such a great issue.
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  • - Niyah: Without trust--
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  • - John: Yeah.
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  • You know, I think--we've been
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  • teachin' 'bout, you know,
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  • relationship stuff.
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  • I think it's
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  • the most misunderstood
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  • characteristic needed
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  • in every relationship.
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  • So I'm so excited
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  • we're gonna deal with it today.
  • 00:02:48.100 --> 00:02:49.000
  • - Niyah: Can you move forward
  • 00:02:49.000 --> 00:02:49.280
  • without trust?
  • 00:02:49.280 --> 00:02:50.170
  • 'Cause when I think--if, like,
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  • I don't have trust in you,
  • 00:02:51.250 --> 00:02:53.070
  • I'm like, "It's done.
  • 00:02:53.070 --> 00:02:54.090
  • We can't even move forward."
  • 00:02:54.090 --> 00:02:55.090
  • But is that
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  • the right perspective to have?
  • 00:02:55.240 --> 00:02:57.200
  • Is that where our--
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  • - John: It is
  • 00:02:58.090 --> 00:02:59.020
  • the right perspective,
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  • but not everybody has that.
  • 00:02:59.240 --> 00:03:01.060
  • A lot of people think,
  • 00:03:01.060 --> 00:03:02.040
  • "I can do it any way, and it's
  • 00:03:02.040 --> 00:03:03.280
  • gonna fall apart down the road."
  • 00:03:03.280 --> 00:03:05.090
  • - Niyah: I'm excited.
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  • Let's dive on in.
  • 00:03:06.020 --> 00:03:08.060
  • Now, we've had
  • 00:03:08.060 --> 00:03:08.240
  • an overwhelming response
  • 00:03:08.240 --> 00:03:10.090
  • of questions coming in
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  • to the show, which has been
  • 00:03:11.190 --> 00:03:12.230
  • fantastic because we know
  • 00:03:12.230 --> 00:03:14.110
  • people are being impacted.
  • 00:03:14.110 --> 00:03:16.000
  • Now, let's check out our next
  • 00:03:16.000 --> 00:03:17.120
  • question coming in from Neslie.
  • 00:03:17.140 --> 00:03:20.140
  • - Neslie: Hi, Pastors John
  • 00:03:20.140 --> 00:03:21.040
  • and Helen.
  • 00:03:21.040 --> 00:03:21.240
  • I had a question for you.
  • 00:03:21.240 --> 00:03:23.240
  • I have some co-workers that are
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  • married, and they like to flirt.
  • 00:03:25.090 --> 00:03:27.280
  • But I'm just wondering,
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  • at what point does flirting
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  • become cheating?
  • 00:03:30.050 --> 00:03:32.150
  • - Niyah: Ooh, this is
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  • a good one.
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  • - John: C'mon, I think
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  • you girls got all the answers
  • 00:03:35.270 --> 00:03:37.000
  • on this one.
  • 00:03:37.000 --> 00:03:37.170
  • - Helen: I'm assuming these are
  • 00:03:37.170 --> 00:03:38.120
  • co-workers that are not married
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  • to each other, but they are
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  • married to somebody else.
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  • And I do think that that is a--
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  • that is a fine line
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  • that we walk so often.
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  • I think
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  • that even in our marriage,
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  • we've had to really have
  • 00:03:51.220 --> 00:03:53.020
  • some strict boundaries
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  • about what is appropriate
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  • and what is not.
  • 00:03:55.180 --> 00:03:56.220
  • I can remember way back
  • 00:03:56.220 --> 00:03:58.080
  • when John was a dentist,
  • 00:03:58.080 --> 00:03:59.180
  • and then also when he was
  • 00:03:59.180 --> 00:04:00.230
  • a, you know, a pastor
  • 00:04:00.230 --> 00:04:02.200
  • in those early days.
  • 00:04:02.200 --> 00:04:03.200
  • And I was kind of watching.
  • 00:04:03.200 --> 00:04:05.020
  • And it wasn't like you
  • 00:04:05.020 --> 00:04:06.250
  • were trying to be a bad boy.
  • 00:04:06.250 --> 00:04:08.090
  • But I'm looking at you,
  • 00:04:08.090 --> 00:04:09.100
  • and I'm thinking, "Can you not
  • 00:04:09.100 --> 00:04:10.070
  • see what's going on right there,
  • 00:04:10.070 --> 00:04:12.000
  • what she's doing, and what--"
  • 00:04:12.000 --> 00:04:13.120
  • And so I took my husband aside
  • 00:04:13.120 --> 00:04:15.280
  • and I said, "This is
  • 00:04:15.280 --> 00:04:16.220
  • appropriate, and this is not."
  • 00:04:16.220 --> 00:04:18.100
  • And you were very thankful
  • 00:04:18.100 --> 00:04:19.130
  • for it.
  • 00:04:19.130 --> 00:04:19.280
  • You weren't flirting, but you
  • 00:04:19.280 --> 00:04:21.090
  • were--I don't think you were
  • 00:04:21.090 --> 00:04:22.220
  • anyhow.
  • 00:04:22.220 --> 00:04:23.070
  • - John: I'm probably
  • 00:04:23.070 --> 00:04:23.220
  • the dumbest when it comes
  • 00:04:23.220 --> 00:04:24.250
  • to that.
  • 00:04:24.250 --> 00:04:25.100
  • I don't know if there's
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  • any other males
  • 00:04:26.060 --> 00:04:27.040
  • as absolutely dumb in that way.
  • 00:04:27.040 --> 00:04:28.190
  • 'Cause I'm just out there
  • 00:04:28.190 --> 00:04:30.130
  • tryin' to be nice.
  • 00:04:30.130 --> 00:04:31.080
  • But Helen knew, "No, there's
  • 00:04:31.080 --> 00:04:32.200
  • somethin' else goin' on here."
  • 00:04:32.200 --> 00:04:34.050
  • - Helen: Well, I was just
  • 00:04:34.050 --> 00:04:35.030
  • sniffin' it out, I've said--
  • 00:04:35.030 --> 00:04:36.170
  • - John: She's got radar.
  • 00:04:36.170 --> 00:04:37.150
  • She really does, antennas.
  • 00:04:37.150 --> 00:04:39.120
  • - Helen: But you know what was
  • 00:04:39.120 --> 00:04:40.130
  • good about it?
  • 00:04:40.130 --> 00:04:41.140
  • 'Cause I think there are
  • 00:04:41.140 --> 00:04:42.020
  • boundaries.
  • 00:04:42.020 --> 00:04:42.170
  • You know, before, long before it
  • 00:04:42.170 --> 00:04:44.150
  • ever is just jumping in the sack
  • 00:04:44.150 --> 00:04:45.220
  • with somebody else, there is
  • 00:04:45.220 --> 00:04:47.010
  • already boundaries that are
  • 00:04:47.010 --> 00:04:48.060
  • being crossed when you're
  • 00:04:48.060 --> 00:04:49.240
  • talking a lot to a person.
  • 00:04:49.240 --> 00:04:51.110
  • There's flirtation, so I think
  • 00:04:51.110 --> 00:04:52.150
  • it's being friendly and that.
  • 00:04:52.150 --> 00:04:53.290
  • I'm friendly.
  • 00:04:53.290 --> 00:04:54.190
  • I talk to anybody.
  • 00:04:54.190 --> 00:04:56.030
  • But I think our demeanor
  • 00:04:56.030 --> 00:04:58.010
  • actually says something,
  • 00:04:58.010 --> 00:04:59.230
  • how it's perceived,
  • 00:04:59.230 --> 00:05:00.200
  • or what message we're trying
  • 00:05:00.200 --> 00:05:01.230
  • to get across.
  • 00:05:01.230 --> 00:05:02.270
  • And so, in our relationship
  • 00:05:02.270 --> 00:05:04.200
  • in marriage, I can remember,
  • 00:05:04.200 --> 00:05:07.100
  • I was terrified to talk to John
  • 00:05:07.100 --> 00:05:08.250
  • about it 'cause I didn't wanna
  • 00:05:08.250 --> 00:05:09.250
  • come across as I'm insecure,
  • 00:05:09.250 --> 00:05:11.290
  • or you know, I'm jealous.
  • 00:05:11.290 --> 00:05:14.280
  • I just thought, "You know what?
  • 00:05:14.280 --> 00:05:16.150
  • What is appropriate
  • 00:05:16.150 --> 00:05:17.070
  • and what's not."
  • 00:05:17.070 --> 00:05:17.220
  • One of the things I did was
  • 00:05:17.220 --> 00:05:18.260
  • all over our office hung up
  • 00:05:18.260 --> 00:05:20.010
  • pictures of me and the kids.
  • 00:05:20.010 --> 00:05:22.120
  • - Niyah: Yes, very good.
  • 00:05:22.120 --> 00:05:23.080
  • Ooh, strategic.
  • 00:05:23.080 --> 00:05:24.080
  • You hear that, ladies?
  • 00:05:24.080 --> 00:05:25.120
  • Strategically, yes, I love this,
  • 00:05:25.120 --> 00:05:27.180
  • being strategic, yes.
  • 00:05:27.180 --> 00:05:29.240
  • - Helen: Okay, and those were
  • 00:05:29.240 --> 00:05:30.240
  • in our early days of repairing
  • 00:05:30.240 --> 00:05:31.280
  • some difficult parts
  • 00:05:31.280 --> 00:05:33.070
  • of our marriage.
  • 00:05:33.070 --> 00:05:34.020
  • But the even in church,
  • 00:05:34.020 --> 00:05:35.270
  • as people came to the door
  • 00:05:35.270 --> 00:05:36.250
  • and you greeted them,
  • 00:05:36.250 --> 00:05:37.180
  • John has for 30 years
  • 00:05:37.180 --> 00:05:38.240
  • always been at the door greeting
  • 00:05:38.240 --> 00:05:40.130
  • people, and you know,
  • 00:05:40.130 --> 00:05:41.150
  • give them a hug or whatever.
  • 00:05:41.150 --> 00:05:43.030
  • But there was some women I
  • 00:05:43.030 --> 00:05:44.000
  • could kinda go, "You know what?
  • 00:05:44.000 --> 00:05:45.210
  • I don't like this."
  • 00:05:45.210 --> 00:05:46.220
  • And it wasn't insecurity.
  • 00:05:46.220 --> 00:05:48.090
  • It was just, like, I could see
  • 00:05:48.090 --> 00:05:49.140
  • there was something that was
  • 00:05:49.140 --> 00:05:50.110
  • going in the wrong direction,
  • 00:05:50.110 --> 00:05:51.250
  • so I addressed it with you.
  • 00:05:51.250 --> 00:05:53.190
  • - John: Yeah, she could see
  • 00:05:53.190 --> 00:05:54.110
  • that I was feeding something,
  • 00:05:54.110 --> 00:05:56.070
  • a need that they had that wasn't
  • 00:05:56.070 --> 00:05:58.130
  • healthy.
  • 00:05:58.130 --> 00:06:00.040
  • - Niyah: Yeah, okay,
  • 00:06:00.040 --> 00:06:00.210
  • but when does it become,
  • 00:06:00.210 --> 00:06:01.190
  • you know, crossing the line?
  • 00:06:01.190 --> 00:06:03.220
  • It's just like, "Oh, okay, this
  • 00:06:03.220 --> 00:06:04.250
  • is cheating in that sense."
  • 00:06:04.250 --> 00:06:06.180
  • But here's my--I'm like, "Okay,
  • 00:06:06.180 --> 00:06:08.180
  • if you're flirting, period,
  • 00:06:08.180 --> 00:06:10.000
  • isn't that just wrong if you're
  • 00:06:10.000 --> 00:06:11.040
  • married?
  • 00:06:11.040 --> 00:06:11.240
  • You shouldn't be flirting,
  • 00:06:11.240 --> 00:06:12.160
  • period."
  • 00:06:12.160 --> 00:06:13.120
  • - John: If you're married,
  • 00:06:13.120 --> 00:06:14.200
  • it's wrong.
  • 00:06:14.200 --> 00:06:15.110
  • - Helen: But I think
  • 00:06:15.110 --> 00:06:15.260
  • a lot of people are unaware
  • 00:06:15.260 --> 00:06:18.040
  • of how they come across.
  • 00:06:18.040 --> 00:06:19.100
  • I think that they're--and I
  • 00:06:19.120 --> 00:06:22.120
  • don't think we have to be
  • 00:06:22.120 --> 00:06:23.100
  • these prudes as men and women--
  • 00:06:23.100 --> 00:06:24.170
  • that's wrong to call
  • 00:06:24.170 --> 00:06:25.130
  • a man that--
  • 00:06:25.130 --> 00:06:26.130
  • I suppose, where we're so afraid
  • 00:06:26.130 --> 00:06:28.100
  • of being friendly that we
  • 00:06:28.100 --> 00:06:30.190
  • do nothing.
  • 00:06:30.190 --> 00:06:31.170
  • But I think
  • 00:06:31.170 --> 00:06:32.040
  • that it's kind of the condition
  • 00:06:32.040 --> 00:06:34.150
  • of our heart and the message
  • 00:06:34.150 --> 00:06:35.240
  • that we give off.
  • 00:06:35.240 --> 00:06:36.140
  • And I think there is
  • 00:06:36.140 --> 00:06:37.130
  • a responsibility to conduct
  • 00:06:37.130 --> 00:06:39.230
  • our way--our self in a way
  • 00:06:39.230 --> 00:06:41.140
  • that people know
  • 00:06:41.140 --> 00:06:42.290
  • that, "I'm firmly committed
  • 00:06:42.290 --> 00:06:43.290
  • to my spouse.
  • 00:06:43.290 --> 00:06:44.290
  • I'm not looking
  • 00:06:44.290 --> 00:06:45.190
  • for anything else."
  • 00:06:45.190 --> 00:06:46.210
  • But I do think
  • 00:06:46.210 --> 00:06:47.170
  • that when that isn't there
  • 00:06:47.170 --> 00:06:49.090
  • that you open yourself up.
  • 00:06:49.090 --> 00:06:50.210
  • If your needs aren't being met
  • 00:06:50.210 --> 00:06:52.110
  • in a marriage
  • 00:06:52.110 --> 00:06:53.050
  • in that relationship,
  • 00:06:53.050 --> 00:06:54.100
  • and somebody else pays
  • 00:06:54.100 --> 00:06:55.000
  • a lot of attention to you,
  • 00:06:55.000 --> 00:06:56.100
  • or says things that you wanna
  • 00:06:56.100 --> 00:06:57.200
  • hear, you're vulnerable to it.
  • 00:06:57.200 --> 00:06:59.070
  • And I think that if you begin
  • 00:06:59.070 --> 00:07:01.060
  • to kind of feed that,
  • 00:07:01.060 --> 00:07:02.290
  • and look for it,
  • 00:07:02.290 --> 00:07:05.000
  • it's a clue that you're
  • 00:07:05.000 --> 00:07:05.280
  • on a dangerous territory.
  • 00:07:05.280 --> 00:07:07.150
  • I remember somebody, years ago,
  • 00:07:07.150 --> 00:07:09.090
  • that started going
  • 00:07:09.090 --> 00:07:10.060
  • and working out at the gym.
  • 00:07:10.060 --> 00:07:11.240
  • Nothin' wrong with that.
  • 00:07:11.240 --> 00:07:12.270
  • But then she started going out
  • 00:07:12.270 --> 00:07:13.260
  • working at the gym
  • 00:07:13.260 --> 00:07:14.220
  • quite dressed up, and you know,
  • 00:07:14.220 --> 00:07:17.090
  • kinda dressier.
  • 00:07:17.090 --> 00:07:18.060
  • And I was like,
  • 00:07:18.060 --> 00:07:18.220
  • "What's going on?"
  • 00:07:18.220 --> 00:07:19.220
  • Like, "Why do you go to the gym?
  • 00:07:19.220 --> 00:07:20.250
  • You don't dress that way
  • 00:07:20.250 --> 00:07:21.190
  • for your husband,
  • 00:07:21.190 --> 00:07:22.130
  • but you do for the guy--"
  • 00:07:22.130 --> 00:07:23.220
  • It was her trainer.
  • 00:07:23.220 --> 00:07:24.240
  • And you know, you challenge it.
  • 00:07:24.240 --> 00:07:26.270
  • And it's like,
  • 00:07:26.270 --> 00:07:27.120
  • "What are you doing?"
  • 00:07:27.120 --> 00:07:27.270
  • "No, there's nothing.
  • 00:07:27.270 --> 00:07:28.120
  • There's nothing."
  • 00:07:28.120 --> 00:07:29.060
  • Well, sure enough there was.
  • 00:07:29.060 --> 00:07:30.130
  • And you have to go and ask
  • 00:07:30.130 --> 00:07:32.120
  • yourself, "Why am I doing this?
  • 00:07:32.120 --> 00:07:34.150
  • And what am I hoping
  • 00:07:34.150 --> 00:07:35.180
  • to get back?"
  • 00:07:35.180 --> 00:07:36.220
  • And yeah, I think there's, yeah,
  • 00:07:36.220 --> 00:07:39.180
  • I think that it's cheating, even
  • 00:07:39.180 --> 00:07:41.200
  • as much as anything else is.
  • 00:07:41.200 --> 00:07:44.160
  • - Niyah: What if you have
  • 00:07:44.160 --> 00:07:45.110
  • a, whether that it's
  • 00:07:45.110 --> 00:07:46.210
  • a young lady, you know,
  • 00:07:46.210 --> 00:07:48.100
  • or a young man, or whatever,
  • 00:07:48.100 --> 00:07:49.020
  • and you're just like,
  • 00:07:49.020 --> 00:07:49.230
  • "But I'm really friendly.
  • 00:07:49.230 --> 00:07:51.060
  • It's not, you know, cheating.
  • 00:07:51.060 --> 00:07:52.140
  • And I'm really friendly."
  • 00:07:52.140 --> 00:07:53.150
  • So they, in their mind, look
  • 00:07:53.150 --> 00:07:55.060
  • at it as being very friendly,
  • 00:07:55.060 --> 00:07:57.000
  • but it, you know, clearly,
  • 00:07:57.000 --> 00:07:58.020
  • to everybody else,
  • 00:07:58.020 --> 00:07:58.260
  • it's just like, "Wait, you're
  • 00:07:58.260 --> 00:07:59.270
  • being a little too friendly."
  • 00:07:59.270 --> 00:08:01.150
  • You know, the touching,
  • 00:08:01.150 --> 00:08:02.200
  • and everything like that.
  • 00:08:02.200 --> 00:08:03.080
  • And you're married.
  • 00:08:03.080 --> 00:08:04.140
  • What would you say to someone
  • 00:08:04.140 --> 00:08:05.150
  • like that, that's just,
  • 00:08:05.150 --> 00:08:06.220
  • in their mind, they just see it
  • 00:08:06.220 --> 00:08:07.250
  • as they're being friendly?
  • 00:08:07.250 --> 00:08:09.020
  • - John: Well, my wife says
  • 00:08:09.020 --> 00:08:09.250
  • those kind of things to me.
  • 00:08:09.250 --> 00:08:11.280
  • Back when, I would normally give
  • 00:08:11.280 --> 00:08:14.000
  • everybody a hug.
  • 00:08:14.000 --> 00:08:15.110
  • But she said,
  • 00:08:15.110 --> 00:08:15.280
  • "You really need to watch out."
  • 00:08:15.280 --> 00:08:17.230
  • 'Cause it's not so much
  • 00:08:17.230 --> 00:08:18.220
  • my intention.
  • 00:08:18.220 --> 00:08:20.070
  • It's what their reception is.
  • 00:08:20.070 --> 00:08:22.040
  • Their reception is taking it
  • 00:08:22.040 --> 00:08:24.080
  • the wrong way, and I just,
  • 00:08:24.080 --> 00:08:26.000
  • I didn't realize that, so.
  • 00:08:26.000 --> 00:08:28.000
  • - Helen: And there have been
  • 00:08:28.000 --> 00:08:29.000
  • women in my world, I think,
  • 00:08:29.000 --> 00:08:30.070
  • as a pastor, and as a mentor,
  • 00:08:30.080 --> 00:08:33.080
  • I have taken some young girls
  • 00:08:33.080 --> 00:08:35.060
  • aside and I said,
  • 00:08:35.060 --> 00:08:36.150
  • "You need to be self-aware.
  • 00:08:36.150 --> 00:08:37.210
  • This isn't a criticism.
  • 00:08:37.210 --> 00:08:38.280
  • I'm tryin' to help you."
  • 00:08:38.280 --> 00:08:40.030
  • People--you want people to get
  • 00:08:40.030 --> 00:08:42.120
  • to know you for who you are.
  • 00:08:42.120 --> 00:08:44.190
  • And so dial that back.
  • 00:08:44.190 --> 00:08:46.220
  • They're not even aware of it
  • 00:08:46.220 --> 00:08:47.250
  • sometimes.
  • 00:08:47.250 --> 00:08:48.200
  • And again, I want people to be
  • 00:08:48.200 --> 00:08:50.210
  • themself.
  • 00:08:50.210 --> 00:08:51.160
  • And I'm a very friendly,
  • 00:08:51.160 --> 00:08:52.210
  • outgoing person.
  • 00:08:52.210 --> 00:08:53.210
  • I have been all of my life.
  • 00:08:53.210 --> 00:08:55.030
  • But I think anybody who knows me
  • 00:08:55.030 --> 00:08:57.070
  • knows I'm happily married,
  • 00:08:57.070 --> 00:08:59.240
  • that that message is out there,
  • 00:08:59.240 --> 00:09:01.210
  • and I'm not looking
  • 00:09:01.210 --> 00:09:02.150
  • for anything else.
  • 00:09:02.150 --> 00:09:04.140
  • But I do think that if someone,
  • 00:09:04.140 --> 00:09:06.290
  • if you care about someone,
  • 00:09:06.290 --> 00:09:07.280
  • you'll address it and help them
  • 00:09:07.280 --> 00:09:08.280
  • with it.
  • 00:09:08.280 --> 00:09:09.130
  • - Niyah: Do you have
  • 00:09:09.130 --> 00:09:09.280
  • that conversation when you're
  • 00:09:09.280 --> 00:09:11.010
  • in a marriage, or you know,
  • 00:09:11.010 --> 00:09:12.200
  • or even a relationship?
  • 00:09:12.200 --> 00:09:14.010
  • Should you just sit down
  • 00:09:14.010 --> 00:09:15.070
  • and say, "Okay, we need to talk
  • 00:09:15.070 --> 00:09:16.070
  • about boundaries outside,
  • 00:09:16.070 --> 00:09:18.050
  • meaning with other people."
  • 00:09:18.050 --> 00:09:19.030
  • To just--
  • 00:09:19.030 --> 00:09:19.270
  • - John: Absolutely, so,
  • 00:09:19.270 --> 00:09:21.100
  • you know, say you do have
  • 00:09:21.100 --> 00:09:22.130
  • one of that couple
  • 00:09:22.130 --> 00:09:24.080
  • that is maybe crossing the line,
  • 00:09:24.080 --> 00:09:27.000
  • what you think is crossing
  • 00:09:27.000 --> 00:09:27.260
  • the line, but he or she
  • 00:09:27.260 --> 00:09:29.120
  • doesn't know it, like us.
  • 00:09:29.120 --> 00:09:31.170
  • When Helen sat down and had
  • 00:09:31.170 --> 00:09:32.250
  • that conversation with me,
  • 00:09:32.250 --> 00:09:34.040
  • it didn't hurt me.
  • 00:09:34.040 --> 00:09:35.260
  • It helped me.
  • 00:09:35.260 --> 00:09:36.260
  • I was thankful for that.
  • 00:09:36.260 --> 00:09:38.170
  • Why?
  • 00:09:38.170 --> 00:09:39.060
  • Because my intention
  • 00:09:39.060 --> 00:09:40.020
  • was never to cross the line.
  • 00:09:40.020 --> 00:09:42.200
  • My intention was never
  • 00:09:42.200 --> 00:09:43.170
  • to feed some unhealthy--
  • 00:09:43.170 --> 00:09:45.110
  • I didn't realize it.
  • 00:09:45.110 --> 00:09:46.060
  • And you know, I didn't see it.
  • 00:09:46.060 --> 00:09:47.090
  • So I think, yeah, absolutely,
  • 00:09:47.090 --> 00:09:49.000
  • you have to have
  • 00:09:49.000 --> 00:09:49.270
  • that conversation.
  • 00:09:49.270 --> 00:09:51.080
  • - Niyah:
  • 00:09:51.080 --> 00:09:51.230
  • What if the person says,
  • 00:09:51.230 --> 00:09:52.150
  • "Oh, you're just being jealous"?
  • 00:09:52.150 --> 00:09:54.260
  • - Helen: That's actually
  • 00:09:54.260 --> 00:09:55.130
  • a very important comment.
  • 00:09:55.130 --> 00:09:57.070
  • Because if he's defending it,
  • 00:09:57.070 --> 00:09:58.220
  • or she's defending her behavior,
  • 00:09:58.220 --> 00:10:00.220
  • you're not being heard.
  • 00:10:00.220 --> 00:10:02.290
  • And I think that that is
  • 00:10:02.290 --> 00:10:04.110
  • actually one of the greatest
  • 00:10:04.110 --> 00:10:05.180
  • clues that you're not
  • 00:10:05.180 --> 00:10:06.250
  • in a healthy place.
  • 00:10:06.250 --> 00:10:08.050
  • That if you're defending it,
  • 00:10:08.050 --> 00:10:09.210
  • or you know, "I just went
  • 00:10:09.210 --> 00:10:10.200
  • and had coffee with him.
  • 00:10:10.200 --> 00:10:11.150
  • What is the big deal?
  • 00:10:11.150 --> 00:10:12.120
  • Why are you so insecure?"
  • 00:10:12.120 --> 00:10:13.210
  • That's saying that you value
  • 00:10:13.210 --> 00:10:15.000
  • this more than how it makes
  • 00:10:15.000 --> 00:10:16.110
  • your spouse feel.
  • 00:10:16.110 --> 00:10:17.240
  • And that's where you have
  • 00:10:17.240 --> 00:10:18.240
  • to have--John and I have
  • 00:10:18.240 --> 00:10:20.070
  • very strict boundaries.
  • 00:10:20.070 --> 00:10:21.220
  • We've had them for 42 years.
  • 00:10:21.220 --> 00:10:23.260
  • And well,
  • 00:10:23.260 --> 00:10:24.200
  • for most of them years.
  • 00:10:24.200 --> 00:10:26.150
  • But we check up on them
  • 00:10:26.150 --> 00:10:29.010
  • regularly.
  • 00:10:29.010 --> 00:10:29.290
  • Not because I don't trust him,
  • 00:10:29.290 --> 00:10:31.220
  • but because I just wanna
  • 00:10:31.220 --> 00:10:33.020
  • make sure that we're okay.
  • 00:10:33.020 --> 00:10:34.270
  • And that's just the kind
  • 00:10:34.270 --> 00:10:37.030
  • of relationship that we have.
  • 00:10:37.030 --> 00:10:38.180
  • When we travel,
  • 00:10:38.180 --> 00:10:39.260
  • what we do or won't do,
  • 00:10:39.260 --> 00:10:41.020
  • when we talk to people,
  • 00:10:41.020 --> 00:10:42.010
  • what we do or won't do.
  • 00:10:42.010 --> 00:10:43.020
  • - John: I'm thankful that she,
  • 00:10:43.020 --> 00:10:44.160
  • you know, enlightens me
  • 00:10:44.160 --> 00:10:46.020
  • to my actions
  • 00:10:46.020 --> 00:10:47.150
  • and what the possible, you know,
  • 00:10:47.150 --> 00:10:49.280
  • result is.
  • 00:10:49.280 --> 00:10:50.180
  • Why?
  • 00:10:50.180 --> 00:10:51.060
  • 'Cause I don't wanna fight
  • 00:10:51.060 --> 00:10:52.080
  • battles I don't have to fight.
  • 00:10:52.080 --> 00:10:53.260
  • I don't wanna have temptations
  • 00:10:53.260 --> 00:10:55.170
  • that I don't have to have.
  • 00:10:55.170 --> 00:10:56.230
  • And you know, to me,
  • 00:10:56.230 --> 00:10:58.020
  • that's the easiest way
  • 00:10:58.020 --> 00:10:59.080
  • to fight temptation,
  • 00:10:59.080 --> 00:11:01.060
  • is just run from them.
  • 00:11:01.060 --> 00:11:02.140
  • Don't do it.
  • 00:11:02.140 --> 00:11:03.040
  • That's what the Bible teaches.
  • 00:11:03.040 --> 00:11:03.270
  • You know, flee.
  • 00:11:03.270 --> 00:11:05.060
  • So don't put yourself
  • 00:11:05.060 --> 00:11:06.280
  • in that place.
  • 00:11:06.280 --> 00:11:07.210
  • And you need wisdom.
  • 00:11:07.210 --> 00:11:08.160
  • Wisdom helps when you have
  • 00:11:08.160 --> 00:11:10.010
  • people that'll speak
  • 00:11:10.010 --> 00:11:11.030
  • into your life like that.
  • 00:11:11.030 --> 00:11:12.120
  • I think every marriage
  • 00:11:12.120 --> 00:11:13.170
  • has to be willing to have
  • 00:11:13.170 --> 00:11:14.270
  • really tough conversations.
  • 00:11:14.270 --> 00:11:16.140
  • And I think that when those--
  • 00:11:16.140 --> 00:11:18.090
  • to me, those weren't easy
  • 00:11:18.090 --> 00:11:19.280
  • in the beginning.
  • 00:11:19.280 --> 00:11:21.110
  • Like, "I love you, and I
  • 00:11:21.110 --> 00:11:22.220
  • wanna go the distance with you.
  • 00:11:22.220 --> 00:11:24.170
  • This is a concern to me.
  • 00:11:24.170 --> 00:11:25.280
  • Can we talk about what we
  • 00:11:25.280 --> 00:11:26.270
  • will do and won't do?"
  • 00:11:26.270 --> 00:11:28.040
  • But when they were delineated,
  • 00:11:28.040 --> 00:11:29.220
  • it's been easy to stay on track.
  • 00:11:29.220 --> 00:11:31.040
  • - Niyah: Do you have it
  • 00:11:31.040 --> 00:11:31.190
  • in the beginning
  • 00:11:31.190 --> 00:11:32.040
  • of your marriage?
  • 00:11:32.040 --> 00:11:32.250
  • Or do you do dating?
  • 00:11:32.250 --> 00:11:34.150
  • - John: All the way through.
  • 00:11:34.150 --> 00:11:35.090
  • All the way through.
  • 00:11:35.090 --> 00:11:36.060
  • - Niyah: Oh, I love this.
  • 00:11:36.060 --> 00:11:36.290
  • Oh, so much good wisdom.
  • 00:11:36.290 --> 00:11:38.220
  • Well, after the break, we enter
  • 00:11:38.220 --> 00:11:40.020
  • into the world of social media
  • 00:11:40.020 --> 00:11:41.150
  • and discuss what's trending
  • 00:11:41.150 --> 00:11:42.200
  • online, #sexlove&relationships.
  • 00:11:43.180 --> 00:11:46.180
  • - Niyah: Welcome back
  • 00:11:57.080 --> 00:11:58.020
  • to the show.
  • 00:11:58.020 --> 00:11:58.270
  • Now, this is a relevant segment
  • 00:11:58.270 --> 00:12:00.150
  • because we can't deny the impact
  • 00:12:00.150 --> 00:12:02.050
  • social media has on our lives.
  • 00:12:02.050 --> 00:12:03.190
  • We're discussing trending topics
  • 00:12:03.190 --> 00:12:05.050
  • on sex, love, and relationships.
  • 00:12:05.050 --> 00:12:07.210
  • Now, let's see
  • 00:12:07.210 --> 00:12:08.100
  • some of the comments
  • 00:12:08.100 --> 00:12:09.130
  • and questions we've received.
  • 00:12:09.130 --> 00:12:11.290
  • "Be present.
  • 00:12:11.290 --> 00:12:13.130
  • Social media
  • 00:12:13.130 --> 00:12:14.020
  • isn't going anywhere.
  • 00:12:14.020 --> 00:12:15.150
  • Unplug and enjoy life."
  • 00:12:15.150 --> 00:12:17.160
  • Hallelujah!
  • 00:12:17.160 --> 00:12:19.130
  • This is like a praise break
  • 00:12:19.130 --> 00:12:21.020
  • right here.
  • 00:12:21.020 --> 00:12:21.260
  • - Helen: Oh, I need to know
  • 00:12:21.260 --> 00:12:22.160
  • what you think about it.
  • 00:12:22.160 --> 00:12:23.170
  • 'Cause I think I'm 60,
  • 00:12:23.170 --> 00:12:25.250
  • almost 61, and I think sometimes
  • 00:12:25.250 --> 00:12:28.070
  • I'm the only person
  • 00:12:28.070 --> 00:12:29.000
  • that thinks that, or my mother.
  • 00:12:29.000 --> 00:12:30.210
  • - Niyah: Oh no.
  • 00:12:30.210 --> 00:12:31.190
  • Oh no, it's--let me tell ya
  • 00:12:31.190 --> 00:12:32.260
  • something.
  • 00:12:32.260 --> 00:12:33.140
  • I see sometimes the hold
  • 00:12:33.140 --> 00:12:35.100
  • social media can have
  • 00:12:35.100 --> 00:12:36.190
  • on my life.
  • 00:12:36.190 --> 00:12:37.130
  • I'll be honest.
  • 00:12:37.130 --> 00:12:38.100
  • I will keep it real.
  • 00:12:38.100 --> 00:12:39.180
  • And you know, you can get
  • 00:12:39.180 --> 00:12:40.270
  • a little bit Twitter happy.
  • 00:12:40.270 --> 00:12:42.140
  • Or you can get
  • 00:12:42.140 --> 00:12:43.010
  • a little Instagram sucked in.
  • 00:12:43.010 --> 00:12:44.240
  • And you know, it can be,
  • 00:12:44.240 --> 00:12:45.250
  • like, overwhelming.
  • 00:12:45.250 --> 00:12:47.020
  • And you get up in the morning,
  • 00:12:47.020 --> 00:12:48.020
  • the first thing you do,
  • 00:12:48.020 --> 00:12:48.280
  • instead of hittin' your knees
  • 00:12:48.280 --> 00:12:49.210
  • and pray, you're just like,
  • 00:12:49.210 --> 00:12:50.210
  • "Where's the 'Gram?"
  • 00:12:50.210 --> 00:12:51.130
  • You know what I'm saying?
  • 00:12:51.130 --> 00:12:52.000
  • So you're sittin' there,
  • 00:12:52.000 --> 00:12:52.190
  • going through it.
  • 00:12:52.190 --> 00:12:53.100
  • And I've had times, if I could
  • 00:12:53.100 --> 00:12:54.240
  • be totally honest right now--
  • 00:12:54.240 --> 00:12:56.110
  • - John: Well, that's,
  • 00:12:56.110 --> 00:12:56.260
  • I always expect you to be.
  • 00:12:56.260 --> 00:12:58.170
  • - Niyah: Yeah, I mean,
  • 00:12:58.170 --> 00:12:59.020
  • c'mon, now.
  • 00:12:59.020 --> 00:12:59.170
  • You know, New Yorkers,
  • 00:12:59.170 --> 00:13:00.080
  • that's what we do.
  • 00:13:00.080 --> 00:13:01.040
  • We just let it out there.
  • 00:13:01.040 --> 00:13:02.110
  • But there's times when I'm like,
  • 00:13:02.110 --> 00:13:03.230
  • "I'm only gonna look at it
  • 00:13:03.230 --> 00:13:04.160
  • for 5 minutes, Lord,
  • 00:13:04.160 --> 00:13:05.090
  • only 5 minutes."
  • 00:13:05.090 --> 00:13:06.090
  • And it, before you know it,
  • 00:13:06.090 --> 00:13:07.080
  • I'm looking at it,
  • 00:13:07.080 --> 00:13:07.260
  • and it's like midnight.
  • 00:13:07.260 --> 00:13:08.280
  • And I'm like,
  • 00:13:08.280 --> 00:13:09.130
  • "Oh no, what I'm doing?
  • 00:13:09.130 --> 00:13:11.070
  • I've been on it for 3 hours,"
  • 00:13:11.070 --> 00:13:12.110
  • you know?
  • 00:13:12.110 --> 00:13:13.020
  • So, like, the endless scroll.
  • 00:13:13.020 --> 00:13:14.100
  • So, yeah, so stuff like this is,
  • 00:13:14.100 --> 00:13:15.290
  • like, "Yes."
  • 00:13:15.290 --> 00:13:16.250
  • - John: So are you addicted?
  • 00:13:16.250 --> 00:13:18.090
  • - Niyah: Not anymore.
  • 00:13:18.090 --> 00:13:19.130
  • You know, I went through
  • 00:13:19.130 --> 00:13:20.020
  • a program, you know what I mean,
  • 00:13:20.020 --> 00:13:22.050
  • called "fasting."
  • 00:13:22.050 --> 00:13:23.040
  • And you know,
  • 00:13:23.040 --> 00:13:23.240
  • just really, you know, honestly,
  • 00:13:23.240 --> 00:13:25.050
  • I'll be honest with you.
  • 00:13:25.050 --> 00:13:26.010
  • I had to see that it
  • 00:13:26.010 --> 00:13:26.260
  • was starting to take control,
  • 00:13:26.260 --> 00:13:28.080
  • starting to take control.
  • 00:13:28.080 --> 00:13:28.270
  • I was getting
  • 00:13:28.270 --> 00:13:29.120
  • really, really addicted.
  • 00:13:29.120 --> 00:13:30.210
  • And I was gettin' distracted.
  • 00:13:30.210 --> 00:13:31.290
  • And through that, I see
  • 00:13:31.290 --> 00:13:33.070
  • the media, and then, you know,
  • 00:13:33.070 --> 00:13:34.210
  • before you know it,
  • 00:13:34.210 --> 00:13:35.130
  • my train of thought,
  • 00:13:35.130 --> 00:13:36.100
  • my thinking was going that way.
  • 00:13:36.100 --> 00:13:38.140
  • And before you know it,
  • 00:13:38.140 --> 00:13:39.020
  • the comparison,
  • 00:13:39.020 --> 00:13:40.050
  • that spirit of comparison,
  • 00:13:40.050 --> 00:13:41.110
  • different things like that.
  • 00:13:41.110 --> 00:13:42.170
  • And it's not healthy.
  • 00:13:42.170 --> 00:13:44.060
  • It's not healthy.
  • 00:13:44.060 --> 00:13:44.210
  • - Helen: Well, I think
  • 00:13:44.210 --> 00:13:45.060
  • a really tricky thing is it's
  • 00:13:45.060 --> 00:13:47.030
  • one thing for my generation,
  • 00:13:47.030 --> 00:13:48.160
  • which it's fairly new.
  • 00:13:48.160 --> 00:13:49.280
  • I mean, we actually used to have
  • 00:13:49.280 --> 00:13:51.020
  • phones that hung on the walls,
  • 00:13:51.020 --> 00:13:52.230
  • and you know?
  • 00:13:52.230 --> 00:13:54.060
  • - John: Dial it.
  • 00:13:54.060 --> 00:13:55.110
  • - Niyah: I had that when I
  • 00:13:55.110 --> 00:13:56.150
  • was young.
  • 00:13:56.150 --> 00:13:57.070
  • - Helen: But I think of someone
  • 00:13:57.070 --> 00:13:58.220
  • like my grandchildren,
  • 00:13:58.220 --> 00:14:00.210
  • that they don't know life
  • 00:14:00.210 --> 00:14:01.230
  • anywhere different.
  • 00:14:01.230 --> 00:14:03.160
  • They're so connected to it.
  • 00:14:03.160 --> 00:14:05.040
  • And I get concerned.
  • 00:14:05.040 --> 00:14:07.070
  • And I don't wanna be
  • 00:14:07.070 --> 00:14:07.270
  • like the old grandma nag
  • 00:14:07.270 --> 00:14:09.270
  • that is, but I know,
  • 00:14:09.270 --> 00:14:11.050
  • sometimes when we're having
  • 00:14:11.050 --> 00:14:12.060
  • family dinners,
  • 00:14:12.060 --> 00:14:13.080
  • I just kind of feel like,
  • 00:14:13.080 --> 00:14:14.070
  • "Can we just put everyone's
  • 00:14:14.070 --> 00:14:15.150
  • cell phones away for right now?
  • 00:14:15.150 --> 00:14:18.020
  • Put it all in this basket.
  • 00:14:18.020 --> 00:14:19.170
  • You know, even for an hour.
  • 00:14:19.170 --> 00:14:20.220
  • And let's just talk."
  • 00:14:20.220 --> 00:14:22.280
  • Because without realizing it,
  • 00:14:22.280 --> 00:14:24.280
  • we're like, "Oh, pull it up,
  • 00:14:24.280 --> 00:14:25.240
  • take a picture of this.
  • 00:14:25.240 --> 00:14:26.180
  • Oh, I'll Instagram that."
  • 00:14:26.180 --> 00:14:27.260
  • And it's not because we don't
  • 00:14:27.260 --> 00:14:29.000
  • love each other, but we're not
  • 00:14:29.000 --> 00:14:30.120
  • paying attention to the fact
  • 00:14:30.120 --> 00:14:31.240
  • that we are not present.
  • 00:14:31.240 --> 00:14:34.230
  • We're not engaged.
  • 00:14:34.230 --> 00:14:35.220
  • - Niyah: Next one: "If you
  • 00:14:35.220 --> 00:14:36.250
  • could ask a man a question,
  • 00:14:36.250 --> 00:14:38.240
  • what question?"
  • 00:14:38.240 --> 00:14:40.110
  • I got plenty.
  • 00:14:40.110 --> 00:14:41.080
  • Okay, here we are.
  • 00:14:41.080 --> 00:14:41.240
  • The first one.
  • 00:14:41.240 --> 00:14:42.100
  • No, I don't--
  • 00:14:42.100 --> 00:14:43.010
  • - John: Just one.
  • 00:14:43.010 --> 00:14:44.020
  • - Niyah: Just one, oh.
  • 00:14:44.020 --> 00:14:44.190
  • - John: Just one, okay?
  • 00:14:44.190 --> 00:14:45.200
  • I'm gonna give you a minute
  • 00:14:45.200 --> 00:14:46.160
  • to think about that because
  • 00:14:46.160 --> 00:14:48.000
  • I'm gonna come back to you.
  • 00:14:48.000 --> 00:14:49.150
  • But first, I wanna talk
  • 00:14:49.150 --> 00:14:50.180
  • to my wife.
  • 00:14:50.180 --> 00:14:52.000
  • One, just one.
  • 00:14:52.000 --> 00:14:53.120
  • What, if you could ask a man,
  • 00:14:53.120 --> 00:14:55.290
  • and I'm a man.
  • 00:14:55.290 --> 00:14:57.120
  • - Niyah: He is, that he is.
  • 00:14:57.120 --> 00:14:58.120
  • - John: One,
  • 00:14:58.120 --> 00:14:59.000
  • what would you ask?
  • 00:14:59.000 --> 00:15:01.020
  • - Helen: What are you getting
  • 00:15:01.020 --> 00:15:01.200
  • me for Christmas?
  • 00:15:01.200 --> 00:15:02.280
  • No, I'm kidding.
  • 00:15:02.280 --> 00:15:04.080
  • I'm kidding.
  • 00:15:04.080 --> 00:15:04.280
  • That is not it.
  • 00:15:04.280 --> 00:15:06.130
  • What would I ask you?
  • 00:15:07.060 --> 00:15:10.060
  • I would probably want to know
  • 00:15:10.060 --> 00:15:12.240
  • what some of the dreams are
  • 00:15:12.240 --> 00:15:14.120
  • in your heart that you
  • 00:15:14.120 --> 00:15:15.140
  • haven't let me know yet,
  • 00:15:15.140 --> 00:15:17.010
  • that are maybe new and forming.
  • 00:15:17.010 --> 00:15:18.260
  • I know we talk about them often,
  • 00:15:18.260 --> 00:15:20.080
  • but I'd wanna know
  • 00:15:20.080 --> 00:15:21.160
  • what you're dreaming of.
  • 00:15:21.160 --> 00:15:23.080
  • - John: Oh, that's great.
  • 00:15:23.080 --> 00:15:24.080
  • Great question.
  • 00:15:24.080 --> 00:15:25.220
  • I don't know the answer,
  • 00:15:25.220 --> 00:15:26.140
  • so great question though.
  • 00:15:26.140 --> 00:15:27.270
  • - Niyah: Okay, my question
  • 00:15:27.270 --> 00:15:28.250
  • I think would, I think I
  • 00:15:28.250 --> 00:15:30.100
  • would direct my question
  • 00:15:30.100 --> 00:15:31.280
  • to the men in the house of God,
  • 00:15:31.280 --> 00:15:33.290
  • the single men
  • 00:15:33.290 --> 00:15:34.210
  • in the house of God.
  • 00:15:34.210 --> 00:15:35.210
  • So, you know, a lot of them,
  • 00:15:35.210 --> 00:15:37.120
  • you know, they're there,
  • 00:15:37.120 --> 00:15:38.210
  • you know, love the Lord.
  • 00:15:38.210 --> 00:15:39.260
  • What takes them so long?
  • 00:15:39.260 --> 00:15:41.260
  • What's the process they're
  • 00:15:41.260 --> 00:15:42.220
  • thinkin' about when it comes
  • 00:15:42.220 --> 00:15:43.210
  • to asking a girl out?
  • 00:15:43.210 --> 00:15:45.150
  • You know, we have a lot of men
  • 00:15:45.150 --> 00:15:46.150
  • in the church and everything
  • 00:15:46.150 --> 00:15:47.180
  • like that, and they're single,
  • 00:15:47.180 --> 00:15:49.100
  • and I'm like, "Okay, well,
  • 00:15:49.100 --> 00:15:50.050
  • just go ask her out, or go--"
  • 00:15:50.050 --> 00:15:51.110
  • Is it because you feel
  • 00:15:51.110 --> 00:15:52.090
  • like you have too many options,
  • 00:15:52.090 --> 00:15:53.240
  • you just can't--
  • 00:15:53.240 --> 00:15:54.170
  • You know, "I don't--
  • 00:15:54.170 --> 00:15:55.090
  • I wanna be very selective,"
  • 00:15:55.090 --> 00:15:56.170
  • you know what I'm saying?
  • 00:15:56.170 --> 00:15:57.140
  • Are you waitin' for an email
  • 00:15:57.140 --> 00:15:58.090
  • from God?
  • 00:15:58.090 --> 00:15:59.020
  • Or you know, what is it?
  • 00:15:59.020 --> 00:16:00.150
  • So I would probably ask them,
  • 00:16:00.150 --> 00:16:01.040
  • you know,
  • 00:16:01.040 --> 00:16:01.190
  • what's their train of thought
  • 00:16:01.190 --> 00:16:02.200
  • and their through process
  • 00:16:02.200 --> 00:16:03.110
  • when it comes to that.
  • 00:16:03.110 --> 00:16:03.290
  • - Helen: Can I tell you what I
  • 00:16:03.290 --> 00:16:04.190
  • know for sure?
  • 00:16:04.190 --> 00:16:05.130
  • - Niyah: Please.
  • 00:16:05.130 --> 00:16:06.150
  • - Helen: That that is probably
  • 00:16:06.150 --> 00:16:07.290
  • the question that somebody--
  • 00:16:07.290 --> 00:16:09.270
  • that would be probably that we
  • 00:16:09.270 --> 00:16:11.190
  • get asked the most.
  • 00:16:11.190 --> 00:16:12.190
  • - Niyah: Really?
  • 00:16:12.190 --> 00:16:13.140
  • - Helen: From single
  • 00:16:13.140 --> 00:16:14.090
  • amazing women like yourself.
  • 00:16:14.090 --> 00:16:15.270
  • - Niyah: Wow.
  • 00:16:15.270 --> 00:16:16.130
  • - Helen: That is actually,
  • 00:16:16.130 --> 00:16:17.130
  • I think it's a problem.
  • 00:16:17.130 --> 00:16:18.160
  • I think it's an issue.
  • 00:16:18.160 --> 00:16:19.270
  • That women want to know,
  • 00:16:19.270 --> 00:16:21.010
  • "Am I doing something wrong?
  • 00:16:21.010 --> 00:16:22.170
  • Is there something I should be
  • 00:16:22.170 --> 00:16:24.030
  • doing?"
  • 00:16:24.030 --> 00:16:24.180
  • So, John, what's the answer?
  • 00:16:24.180 --> 00:16:25.150
  • - Niyah: Yeah, talk to 'em,
  • 00:16:25.150 --> 00:16:26.020
  • Pastor.
  • 00:16:26.020 --> 00:16:26.170
  • - John: Well, I actually get
  • 00:16:26.170 --> 00:16:27.110
  • to talk to young men a lot.
  • 00:16:27.110 --> 00:16:29.030
  • And I think this is the answer.
  • 00:16:29.030 --> 00:16:31.220
  • They think they're afraid
  • 00:16:31.220 --> 00:16:33.150
  • of commitment.
  • 00:16:33.150 --> 00:16:34.140
  • They don't know who they are.
  • 00:16:34.140 --> 00:16:36.070
  • So I really think the answer is
  • 00:16:36.070 --> 00:16:39.000
  • I talk to them
  • 00:16:39.000 --> 00:16:39.270
  • and as, like, the dad factor,
  • 00:16:39.270 --> 00:16:41.160
  • I come in and I, "Let me tell
  • 00:16:41.160 --> 00:16:43.060
  • you guys who you are.
  • 00:16:43.060 --> 00:16:44.110
  • You were created in the image
  • 00:16:44.110 --> 00:16:46.020
  • of commitment.
  • 00:16:46.020 --> 00:16:47.130
  • You were created for commitment.
  • 00:16:47.130 --> 00:16:49.070
  • It's not like you're afraid
  • 00:16:49.070 --> 00:16:50.070
  • of it.
  • 00:16:50.070 --> 00:16:50.220
  • You just don't know who you are.
  • 00:16:50.220 --> 00:16:52.010
  • Commitment is what
  • 00:16:52.010 --> 00:16:52.240
  • you're all about."
  • 00:16:52.240 --> 00:16:54.120
  • And I think what men need is not
  • 00:16:54.120 --> 00:16:56.150
  • a pointed finger of what you're
  • 00:16:56.150 --> 00:16:57.180
  • not doin', but they need someone
  • 00:16:57.180 --> 00:17:00.040
  • that's actually giving them
  • 00:17:00.040 --> 00:17:01.250
  • the encouragement to what they
  • 00:17:02.220 --> 00:17:05.220
  • really would like to be.
  • 00:17:05.220 --> 00:17:07.080
  • - Niyah: Ooh, I'm lovin' this.
  • 00:17:07.080 --> 00:17:08.270
  • I'm lovin' this.
  • 00:17:08.270 --> 00:17:09.200
  • Let's check out the next one:
  • 00:17:09.200 --> 00:17:11.070
  • "Surround yourself
  • 00:17:11.070 --> 00:17:12.010
  • with those who see greatness
  • 00:17:12.010 --> 00:17:14.040
  • in you when you don't see it
  • 00:17:14.040 --> 00:17:15.190
  • yourself.
  • 00:17:15.190 --> 00:17:16.210
  • Absolutely.
  • 00:17:16.210 --> 00:17:17.290
  • What do you think about that?
  • 00:17:17.290 --> 00:17:18.280
  • - Helen: Yeah, it's
  • 00:17:18.280 --> 00:17:19.130
  • an essential part of life.
  • 00:17:19.130 --> 00:17:20.170
  • I think that--and we
  • 00:17:20.170 --> 00:17:21.240
  • should constantly, I think,
  • 00:17:21.240 --> 00:17:23.050
  • put ourselves in positions
  • 00:17:23.050 --> 00:17:25.100
  • and challenge ourselves
  • 00:17:25.100 --> 00:17:27.030
  • to get in environments
  • 00:17:27.030 --> 00:17:28.210
  • where we sometimes feel
  • 00:17:28.210 --> 00:17:30.050
  • like we're not enough.
  • 00:17:30.050 --> 00:17:31.210
  • We are enough.
  • 00:17:31.210 --> 00:17:33.000
  • But I think if we just always
  • 00:17:33.000 --> 00:17:34.140
  • hang around people that make us
  • 00:17:34.140 --> 00:17:36.210
  • really comfortable, this is
  • 00:17:36.210 --> 00:17:38.110
  • a personal part for me, to just,
  • 00:17:38.110 --> 00:17:41.100
  • I think, 'cause I grew up
  • 00:17:41.100 --> 00:17:42.160
  • with people who saw greatness
  • 00:17:42.160 --> 00:17:43.200
  • in me.
  • 00:17:43.200 --> 00:17:44.050
  • I have
  • 00:17:44.050 --> 00:17:44.200
  • the most encouraging parents,
  • 00:17:44.200 --> 00:17:46.010
  • grandparents, aunts, and uncles.
  • 00:17:46.010 --> 00:17:47.130
  • My world was encouragement.
  • 00:17:47.130 --> 00:17:49.110
  • However, I didn't see greatness
  • 00:17:49.110 --> 00:17:51.190
  • in myself sometimes.
  • 00:17:51.190 --> 00:17:52.260
  • So I think one of the things
  • 00:17:52.260 --> 00:17:54.020
  • that I needed to do was put
  • 00:17:54.020 --> 00:17:55.140
  • myself in an environment
  • 00:17:55.140 --> 00:17:57.020
  • of people that I aspired
  • 00:17:57.020 --> 00:17:59.010
  • to be like, and wanted to grow
  • 00:17:59.010 --> 00:18:01.050
  • to be like, that were not
  • 00:18:01.050 --> 00:18:02.180
  • just my mom and my dad
  • 00:18:02.180 --> 00:18:03.280
  • and aunts and uncles,
  • 00:18:03.280 --> 00:18:05.280
  • but people who had
  • 00:18:05.280 --> 00:18:07.080
  • this amazing intellect,
  • 00:18:07.080 --> 00:18:08.200
  • or were changing the world.
  • 00:18:08.200 --> 00:18:10.090
  • Because when I get around them,
  • 00:18:10.090 --> 00:18:12.010
  • it challenges me that I can do
  • 00:18:12.010 --> 00:18:13.260
  • more than I think I can.
  • 00:18:13.260 --> 00:18:15.090
  • That's a very personal thing.
  • 00:18:15.090 --> 00:18:16.270
  • - John: And the key here is it
  • 00:18:16.270 --> 00:18:17.270
  • says, "When you don't see it
  • 00:18:17.270 --> 00:18:19.220
  • yourself."
  • 00:18:19.220 --> 00:18:20.150
  • So the time that you need
  • 00:18:20.150 --> 00:18:21.180
  • to surround yourself with people
  • 00:18:21.180 --> 00:18:22.230
  • that see greatness
  • 00:18:22.230 --> 00:18:23.210
  • is when you're at the lowest.
  • 00:18:23.210 --> 00:18:25.150
  • And when you're at the lowest,
  • 00:18:25.150 --> 00:18:27.020
  • you normally wanna hide,
  • 00:18:27.020 --> 00:18:28.210
  • just hide from everybody
  • 00:18:28.210 --> 00:18:29.290
  • because you don't see what you
  • 00:18:29.290 --> 00:18:32.050
  • wanna see.
  • 00:18:32.050 --> 00:18:33.090
  • But you need to find those
  • 00:18:33.090 --> 00:18:34.180
  • that will see past your mess.
  • 00:18:34.180 --> 00:18:37.060
  • And I think that's a huge part
  • 00:18:37.060 --> 00:18:38.280
  • of love.
  • 00:18:38.280 --> 00:18:39.230
  • I think when you find
  • 00:18:39.230 --> 00:18:40.260
  • that person in your world,
  • 00:18:40.260 --> 00:18:42.100
  • like marriage, you fall in love
  • 00:18:42.100 --> 00:18:44.100
  • with the greatness that you see
  • 00:18:44.100 --> 00:18:46.160
  • on the inside of that person.
  • 00:18:46.160 --> 00:18:48.020
  • And you become
  • 00:18:48.020 --> 00:18:49.050
  • that person's greatest asset.
  • 00:18:49.050 --> 00:18:51.110
  • When they're not feelin' great
  • 00:18:51.110 --> 00:18:53.040
  • about themself, you're speakin'
  • 00:18:53.040 --> 00:18:54.220
  • into their life.
  • 00:18:54.220 --> 00:18:55.160
  • And I think we all need
  • 00:18:55.160 --> 00:18:56.180
  • those people in our world.
  • 00:18:56.180 --> 00:18:58.080
  • Here's a principle.
  • 00:18:58.080 --> 00:19:00.200
  • We all go
  • 00:19:00.200 --> 00:19:01.120
  • where we're celebrated.
  • 00:19:01.120 --> 00:19:02.240
  • - Helen: Yeah, we do.
  • 00:19:02.240 --> 00:19:03.190
  • - John: We all go
  • 00:19:03.190 --> 00:19:04.140
  • where we're celebrated.
  • 00:19:04.140 --> 00:19:05.110
  • So let's become the people
  • 00:19:05.110 --> 00:19:07.110
  • that celebrate others
  • 00:19:07.110 --> 00:19:08.250
  • so that those people
  • 00:19:08.250 --> 00:19:10.060
  • are attracted and want
  • 00:19:10.060 --> 00:19:11.160
  • to be part of our lives.
  • 00:19:11.160 --> 00:19:12.180
  • And our lives become bigger
  • 00:19:12.180 --> 00:19:13.250
  • and bigger when we see
  • 00:19:13.250 --> 00:19:15.050
  • the greatness and we
  • 00:19:15.050 --> 00:19:16.130
  • actually celebrate that
  • 00:19:16.130 --> 00:19:18.020
  • in other people.
  • 00:19:18.020 --> 00:19:18.270
  • - Helen: And I think
  • 00:19:18.270 --> 00:19:19.120
  • another thing is to learn
  • 00:19:19.120 --> 00:19:20.120
  • that if you are constantly
  • 00:19:20.120 --> 00:19:21.210
  • in an environment that you feel
  • 00:19:21.210 --> 00:19:23.090
  • that people don't value you,
  • 00:19:23.090 --> 00:19:25.070
  • respect yourself enough
  • 00:19:25.070 --> 00:19:27.080
  • to get out of that environment,
  • 00:19:27.080 --> 00:19:28.280
  • to get around people who do see
  • 00:19:28.280 --> 00:19:30.210
  • the greatness.
  • 00:19:30.210 --> 00:19:31.110
  • Is there discipline in that?
  • 00:19:31.110 --> 00:19:32.230
  • Don't stay
  • 00:19:32.230 --> 00:19:33.100
  • in a toxic environment.
  • 00:19:33.100 --> 00:19:34.200
  • Go to where somebody will see
  • 00:19:34.200 --> 00:19:36.020
  • the greatness in you.
  • 00:19:36.020 --> 00:19:36.250
  • - Niyah: Preach, Pastor.
  • 00:19:36.250 --> 00:19:37.220
  • That's--drop the mic.
  • 00:19:37.220 --> 00:19:39.010
  • Just drop it.
  • 00:19:39.010 --> 00:19:40.160
  • After the break, more to discuss
  • 00:19:40.160 --> 00:19:42.020
  • on the topics of sex, love,
  • 00:19:42.020 --> 00:19:43.170
  • and relationships.
  • 00:19:43.170 --> 00:19:44.180
  • - Niyah: Well, earlier
  • 00:19:55.120 --> 00:19:55.290
  • this week, Helen caught up
  • 00:19:55.290 --> 00:19:57.040
  • with a great woman
  • 00:19:57.040 --> 00:19:58.040
  • who not only had her own battle
  • 00:19:58.040 --> 00:20:00.000
  • with broken trust,
  • 00:20:00.000 --> 00:20:01.000
  • but has rebuilt her life
  • 00:20:01.000 --> 00:20:02.120
  • - Helen: Hey, Tina.
  • 00:20:05.150 --> 00:20:06.130
  • It is so great to have you here
  • 00:20:06.130 --> 00:20:08.050
  • on the set.
  • 00:20:08.050 --> 00:20:08.280
  • And here I am on your turf.
  • 00:20:08.280 --> 00:20:10.180
  • We're in California.
  • 00:20:10.180 --> 00:20:11.140
  • - Tina: Yes.
  • 00:20:11.140 --> 00:20:12.040
  • - Helen: But I'm used to having
  • 00:20:12.040 --> 00:20:13.210
  • you in Vancouver.
  • 00:20:13.210 --> 00:20:14.270
  • So you've transplanted.
  • 00:20:14.270 --> 00:20:16.020
  • Here you are now.
  • 00:20:16.020 --> 00:20:16.220
  • Welcome.
  • 00:20:16.220 --> 00:20:17.250
  • - Tina: Thank you.
  • 00:20:17.250 --> 00:20:18.200
  • - Helen: So we go way back.
  • 00:20:18.200 --> 00:20:19.270
  • - Tina: We do.
  • 00:20:19.270 --> 00:20:21.100
  • We won't say how many years.
  • 00:20:21.100 --> 00:20:22.170
  • - Helen: No.
  • 00:20:22.170 --> 00:20:23.050
  • But back to a time,
  • 00:20:23.050 --> 00:20:24.120
  • I can remember a night,
  • 00:20:24.120 --> 00:20:27.080
  • getting a phone call from you,
  • 00:20:27.080 --> 00:20:28.210
  • and your heart
  • 00:20:28.210 --> 00:20:29.110
  • had just broken.
  • 00:20:29.110 --> 00:20:31.080
  • Why don't you talk to us
  • 00:20:31.080 --> 00:20:32.030
  • a little bit about that?
  • 00:20:32.030 --> 00:20:33.240
  • - Tina: Oh, Helen, that night
  • 00:20:33.240 --> 00:20:34.220
  • can be one of the best nights,
  • 00:20:34.220 --> 00:20:36.220
  • and yet, the worst nights
  • 00:20:36.220 --> 00:20:37.280
  • of my life.
  • 00:20:37.280 --> 00:20:38.290
  • And God turned
  • 00:20:38.290 --> 00:20:40.030
  • into something good.
  • 00:20:40.030 --> 00:20:41.240
  • And so I was thankful that you
  • 00:20:41.240 --> 00:20:43.100
  • were there for me.
  • 00:20:43.100 --> 00:20:44.100
  • 'Cause I'll never forget
  • 00:20:44.100 --> 00:20:45.080
  • that night, sitting
  • 00:20:45.080 --> 00:20:46.040
  • on your couch, as you held me
  • 00:20:46.040 --> 00:20:48.060
  • and we cried together,
  • 00:20:48.060 --> 00:20:49.100
  • and tried to sip coffee,
  • 00:20:49.100 --> 00:20:51.030
  • but it wasn't
  • 00:20:51.030 --> 00:20:51.230
  • a good coffee time.
  • 00:20:51.230 --> 00:20:53.020
  • And it was the same day
  • 00:20:53.020 --> 00:20:55.090
  • I'd found out that my husband
  • 00:20:55.090 --> 00:20:56.150
  • had been unfaithful.
  • 00:20:56.150 --> 00:20:57.290
  • And that day was
  • 00:20:57.290 --> 00:20:59.150
  • probably one of the days
  • 00:20:59.150 --> 00:21:01.020
  • that I still mark
  • 00:21:01.020 --> 00:21:02.170
  • as one of my best
  • 00:21:02.170 --> 00:21:04.080
  • and one of my worst days
  • 00:21:04.080 --> 00:21:05.120
  • because the reality of it
  • 00:21:05.120 --> 00:21:07.070
  • is what's come after that.
  • 00:21:07.070 --> 00:21:08.270
  • Not taking the counsel that it
  • 00:21:08.270 --> 00:21:11.000
  • had to be over because trust was
  • 00:21:11.000 --> 00:21:13.150
  • broken.
  • 00:21:13.150 --> 00:21:14.120
  • We rebuilt our marriage,
  • 00:21:14.120 --> 00:21:16.110
  • and against the odds,
  • 00:21:16.110 --> 00:21:19.110
  • and it took us a couple years,
  • 00:21:19.110 --> 00:21:20.290
  • I have to be really honest.
  • 00:21:20.290 --> 00:21:22.090
  • It took that kind of time to get
  • 00:21:22.090 --> 00:21:24.070
  • to the place where we were safe
  • 00:21:24.070 --> 00:21:25.280
  • with each other, where,
  • 00:21:25.280 --> 00:21:27.080
  • you know, we started rebuilding
  • 00:21:27.080 --> 00:21:28.230
  • a relationship that was better
  • 00:21:28.230 --> 00:21:30.090
  • than it ever was before.
  • 00:21:30.090 --> 00:21:31.150
  • - Helen: Right.
  • 00:21:31.150 --> 00:21:32.070
  • - Tina: Yeah.
  • 00:21:32.070 --> 00:21:32.240
  • - Helen: I think we need
  • 00:21:32.240 --> 00:21:33.150
  • more stories of hearing
  • 00:21:33.150 --> 00:21:35.120
  • where people actually can come
  • 00:21:35.120 --> 00:21:37.210
  • through the hard places.
  • 00:21:37.210 --> 00:21:39.100
  • Obviously, it takes two people
  • 00:21:39.100 --> 00:21:41.070
  • to want it to work,
  • 00:21:41.070 --> 00:21:42.210
  • and you and Ron were committed
  • 00:21:42.210 --> 00:21:44.230
  • to the process,
  • 00:21:44.230 --> 00:21:45.270
  • not an easy process,
  • 00:21:45.270 --> 00:21:47.010
  • but you did the hard work.
  • 00:21:47.010 --> 00:21:48.150
  • - Tina: We did the hard work.
  • 00:21:48.150 --> 00:21:49.110
  • We had to be willing
  • 00:21:49.110 --> 00:21:50.070
  • to, you know, go through
  • 00:21:50.070 --> 00:21:51.160
  • the anger and go through
  • 00:21:51.160 --> 00:21:52.260
  • the rebuilding, and go through,
  • 00:21:52.260 --> 00:21:55.120
  • you know, what we now call
  • 00:21:55.120 --> 00:21:56.270
  • in our ministry, "The R3."
  • 00:21:56.270 --> 00:21:58.230
  • And we developed the R3
  • 00:21:58.230 --> 00:21:59.250
  • through that.
  • 00:21:59.250 --> 00:22:00.170
  • And the first was to reveal.
  • 00:22:00.170 --> 00:22:02.220
  • The R1 was to reveal.
  • 00:22:02.220 --> 00:22:04.080
  • We had to go to that place.
  • 00:22:04.080 --> 00:22:05.130
  • We knew we couldn't change
  • 00:22:05.130 --> 00:22:07.000
  • or heal what we weren't willing
  • 00:22:07.000 --> 00:22:08.230
  • to reveal.
  • 00:22:08.230 --> 00:22:09.260
  • And the reveal really was
  • 00:22:09.260 --> 00:22:11.200
  • that though we didn't know it--
  • 00:22:11.200 --> 00:22:13.230
  • We weren't in a bad marriage.
  • 00:22:13.230 --> 00:22:15.180
  • That's the thing that people
  • 00:22:15.180 --> 00:22:16.140
  • don't get, like,
  • 00:22:16.140 --> 00:22:17.140
  • "Didn't you see it coming?"
  • 00:22:17.140 --> 00:22:18.230
  • No, I didn't.
  • 00:22:18.230 --> 00:22:20.040
  • And neither did he.
  • 00:22:20.040 --> 00:22:22.290
  • So that was the part that was
  • 00:22:22.290 --> 00:22:25.010
  • the biggest reveal.
  • 00:22:25.010 --> 00:22:26.120
  • And we went to the reveal
  • 00:22:26.120 --> 00:22:27.120
  • of the hardness of the heart.
  • 00:22:27.120 --> 00:22:28.240
  • We started seeing
  • 00:22:28.240 --> 00:22:29.210
  • all the unresolved issues,
  • 00:22:29.210 --> 00:22:31.210
  • which Jesus talks
  • 00:22:31.210 --> 00:22:32.180
  • about the hardness of the heart
  • 00:22:32.180 --> 00:22:34.030
  • is why divorce was allowed.
  • 00:22:34.030 --> 00:22:35.260
  • Not because of infidelity,
  • 00:22:35.260 --> 00:22:37.230
  • but because it starts
  • 00:22:37.230 --> 00:22:38.230
  • with hardness of heart.
  • 00:22:38.230 --> 00:22:40.060
  • And we started dissecting
  • 00:22:40.060 --> 00:22:41.220
  • the reveal part.
  • 00:22:41.220 --> 00:22:43.160
  • And once we revealed the things
  • 00:22:43.160 --> 00:22:45.060
  • that we'd withheld
  • 00:22:45.060 --> 00:22:46.100
  • from each other, the things
  • 00:22:46.100 --> 00:22:47.210
  • that we weren't giving
  • 00:22:47.210 --> 00:22:50.000
  • to another, didn't even know
  • 00:22:50.000 --> 00:22:51.160
  • for him that it was missing,
  • 00:22:51.160 --> 00:22:53.000
  • you know?
  • 00:22:53.000 --> 00:22:53.210
  • And I can just say to women,
  • 00:22:53.210 --> 00:22:54.260
  • sometimes men,
  • 00:22:54.260 --> 00:22:57.100
  • you don't realize
  • 00:22:57.100 --> 00:22:58.070
  • they're missing something.
  • 00:22:58.070 --> 00:22:59.040
  • They don't either.
  • 00:22:59.040 --> 00:23:00.030
  • I wasn't a nurturer.
  • 00:23:00.030 --> 00:23:01.130
  • And go figure, his love language
  • 00:23:01.130 --> 00:23:03.060
  • was touch.
  • 00:23:03.060 --> 00:23:04.280
  • You know, go figure that.
  • 00:23:04.280 --> 00:23:06.060
  • And he marries
  • 00:23:06.060 --> 00:23:06.290
  • a non-nurturing woman,
  • 00:23:06.290 --> 00:23:08.090
  • you know?
  • 00:23:08.090 --> 00:23:09.010
  • But I had to go back to that
  • 00:23:09.010 --> 00:23:10.110
  • and see why
  • 00:23:10.110 --> 00:23:11.100
  • wasn't I nurturing?
  • 00:23:11.100 --> 00:23:12.190
  • What happened to me
  • 00:23:12.190 --> 00:23:13.160
  • somewhere back here that,
  • 00:23:13.160 --> 00:23:15.230
  • you know, made me reserve
  • 00:23:15.230 --> 00:23:17.220
  • or withhold that nurture?
  • 00:23:17.220 --> 00:23:20.050
  • And then you go to the step two,
  • 00:23:20.050 --> 00:23:22.170
  • which was the rewrite.
  • 00:23:22.170 --> 00:23:23.270
  • And the rewrite of the story
  • 00:23:23.270 --> 00:23:25.140
  • was really, let's take
  • 00:23:25.140 --> 00:23:27.200
  • what the enemy tried
  • 00:23:27.200 --> 00:23:29.010
  • to break apart in that reveal.
  • 00:23:29.010 --> 00:23:30.210
  • Now, let's write,
  • 00:23:30.210 --> 00:23:31.240
  • "How can I be nurturing?"
  • 00:23:31.240 --> 00:23:33.090
  • Because now I know why I wasn't
  • 00:23:33.090 --> 00:23:35.010
  • nurturing.
  • 00:23:35.010 --> 00:23:35.280
  • That all came out in the reveal.
  • 00:23:35.280 --> 00:23:37.150
  • We do 40 hours on this.
  • 00:23:37.150 --> 00:23:38.280
  • So it's kinda hard to unpack
  • 00:23:38.280 --> 00:23:39.290
  • in a couple minutes.
  • 00:23:39.290 --> 00:23:41.020
  • But in that,
  • 00:23:41.020 --> 00:23:43.290
  • then from the reveal--
  • 00:23:43.290 --> 00:23:45.090
  • from the rewrite--
  • 00:23:45.090 --> 00:23:46.220
  • we started seeing that
  • 00:23:46.220 --> 00:23:47.140
  • forgiveness and compassion
  • 00:23:47.140 --> 00:23:49.020
  • in rewriting our story.
  • 00:23:49.020 --> 00:23:51.010
  • We're not--our destiny
  • 00:23:51.010 --> 00:23:53.010
  • is not part of our past.
  • 00:23:53.010 --> 00:23:55.010
  • And it's looking ahead.
  • 00:23:55.010 --> 00:23:56.140
  • And you talk a lot about that.
  • 00:23:56.140 --> 00:23:58.060
  • You know, your past doesn't--
  • 00:23:58.060 --> 00:24:00.120
  • isn't the picture for your--
  • 00:24:00.120 --> 00:24:01.240
  • it's just part of your story.
  • 00:24:01.240 --> 00:24:03.180
  • It's part of the story.
  • 00:24:03.180 --> 00:24:05.140
  • And the third was the renew,
  • 00:24:05.140 --> 00:24:07.130
  • and that was the most fun.
  • 00:24:07.130 --> 00:24:08.180
  • Ron used to say, as you know,
  • 00:24:08.180 --> 00:24:09.290
  • he's gone on to be
  • 00:24:09.290 --> 00:24:11.110
  • with the Lord, and he died
  • 00:24:11.110 --> 00:24:13.040
  • nearly 3 years ago and asked me
  • 00:24:13.040 --> 00:24:14.270
  • to keep sharing this story
  • 00:24:14.270 --> 00:24:16.040
  • because the renew was
  • 00:24:16.040 --> 00:24:17.240
  • the best part ever.
  • 00:24:17.240 --> 00:24:19.080
  • And that's why I say the affair
  • 00:24:19.080 --> 00:24:20.140
  • was probably the worst,
  • 00:24:20.140 --> 00:24:21.170
  • most painful thing
  • 00:24:21.170 --> 00:24:22.150
  • we ever went through.
  • 00:24:22.150 --> 00:24:23.190
  • But I would relive that
  • 00:24:23.190 --> 00:24:25.030
  • over and over again
  • 00:24:25.030 --> 00:24:27.030
  • for the 18 years we had.
  • 00:24:27.030 --> 00:24:29.000
  • I didn't know you could renew
  • 00:24:29.000 --> 00:24:31.060
  • and make things better than it
  • 00:24:31.060 --> 00:24:32.150
  • ever was before.
  • 00:24:32.150 --> 00:24:33.130
  • It's not a renovation, you know?
  • 00:24:33.130 --> 00:24:35.140
  • It's not, "Oh, let's go back
  • 00:24:35.140 --> 00:24:36.290
  • to where were
  • 00:24:36.290 --> 00:24:37.220
  • when we first fell in love."
  • 00:24:37.220 --> 00:24:39.050
  • No, this is about making
  • 00:24:39.050 --> 00:24:40.150
  • everything new.
  • 00:24:40.150 --> 00:24:41.290
  • It was a brand-new relationship,
  • 00:24:41.290 --> 00:24:43.100
  • new stepping stones,
  • 00:24:43.100 --> 00:24:44.190
  • new building safety
  • 00:24:44.190 --> 00:24:46.160
  • in the relationship,
  • 00:24:46.160 --> 00:24:47.180
  • and running to one another
  • 00:24:47.180 --> 00:24:49.180
  • when there were thoughts of,
  • 00:24:49.180 --> 00:24:52.010
  • you know, insecurity.
  • 00:24:52.010 --> 00:24:53.060
  • - Helen: Yeah.
  • 00:24:53.060 --> 00:24:54.000
  • So here you are now,
  • 00:24:54.110 --> 00:24:57.110
  • a beautiful story.
  • 00:24:57.110 --> 00:24:59.000
  • I'm proud of you.
  • 00:24:59.000 --> 00:25:00.130
  • It's not an easy story, but it
  • 00:25:00.130 --> 00:25:02.070
  • is a beautiful story because you
  • 00:25:02.070 --> 00:25:03.190
  • - Niyah: Wow,
  • 00:25:05.220 --> 00:25:06.210
  • what an outstanding display
  • 00:25:06.210 --> 00:25:08.010
  • of grace.
  • 00:25:08.010 --> 00:25:09.040
  • After the break, we welcome
  • 00:25:09.040 --> 00:25:10.060
  • our guest to the studio
  • 00:25:10.060 --> 00:25:11.080
  • to continue this discussion.
  • 00:25:11.080 --> 00:25:12.260
  • - Niyah: Welcome back
  • 00:25:24.000 --> 00:25:24.200
  • to "Sex, Love, & relationships."
  • 00:25:24.200 --> 00:25:26.050
  • We just saw Helen discuss
  • 00:25:26.050 --> 00:25:27.170
  • the topic of rebuilding trust
  • 00:25:27.170 --> 00:25:29.010
  • with an incredible woman
  • 00:25:29.010 --> 00:25:30.030
  • who has gone through
  • 00:25:30.030 --> 00:25:31.030
  • this exact same challenge
  • 00:25:31.030 --> 00:25:32.180
  • in her own life.
  • 00:25:32.180 --> 00:25:33.170
  • We're so privileged to speak
  • 00:25:33.170 --> 00:25:34.230
  • with her now in the studio.
  • 00:25:34.230 --> 00:25:36.080
  • Tina, welcome.
  • 00:25:36.080 --> 00:25:37.160
  • - Tina: Thank you.
  • 00:25:37.160 --> 00:25:38.090
  • It's good to be here.
  • 00:25:38.090 --> 00:25:39.120
  • - Niyah: Well, you explained
  • 00:25:39.120 --> 00:25:41.030
  • to us a little bit about
  • 00:25:41.030 --> 00:25:42.010
  • your story, and your husband
  • 00:25:42.010 --> 00:25:43.220
  • was unfaithful, right?
  • 00:25:43.220 --> 00:25:45.020
  • - Tina: Correct, yes.
  • 00:25:45.020 --> 00:25:45.230
  • - Niyah: Now,
  • 00:25:45.230 --> 00:25:46.080
  • how's it been like?
  • 00:25:46.080 --> 00:25:47.110
  • How's the whole rebuilding trust
  • 00:25:47.110 --> 00:25:49.100
  • process been like since then?
  • 00:25:49.100 --> 00:25:51.180
  • - Tina: That was probably
  • 00:25:51.180 --> 00:25:52.040
  • the biggest question with people
  • 00:25:52.040 --> 00:25:54.080
  • around me that were trying
  • 00:25:54.170 --> 00:25:57.170
  • to counsel me through this.
  • 00:25:57.170 --> 00:25:59.100
  • Many felt that I should take
  • 00:25:59.100 --> 00:26:01.110
  • my biblical right
  • 00:26:01.110 --> 00:26:02.200
  • and not stay married,
  • 00:26:02.200 --> 00:26:04.080
  • but instead save the ministry.
  • 00:26:04.080 --> 00:26:06.100
  • 'Cause at the time we were doing
  • 00:26:06.100 --> 00:26:07.110
  • personal growth seminars, and we
  • 00:26:07.110 --> 00:26:08.250
  • were seeing a lot of people
  • 00:26:08.250 --> 00:26:09.210
  • get saved and a lot of people
  • 00:26:09.210 --> 00:26:11.250
  • receive healing personally.
  • 00:26:11.250 --> 00:26:13.270
  • And then this happened.
  • 00:26:13.270 --> 00:26:15.010
  • And so those around me
  • 00:26:15.010 --> 00:26:16.230
  • at the time that worked with me
  • 00:26:16.230 --> 00:26:18.190
  • suggested that, you know, I save
  • 00:26:18.190 --> 00:26:20.210
  • the ministry because he
  • 00:26:20.210 --> 00:26:22.040
  • wasn't worthy to be saved.
  • 00:26:22.040 --> 00:26:23.160
  • Like, it wasn't gonna work.
  • 00:26:23.160 --> 00:26:25.180
  • And it was a real struggle
  • 00:26:25.180 --> 00:26:27.090
  • for me because inside of me,
  • 00:26:27.090 --> 00:26:29.000
  • I felt if there was a chance,
  • 00:26:29.000 --> 00:26:30.150
  • and because a very good friend,
  • 00:26:30.150 --> 00:26:32.200
  • Helen, at the time, who was
  • 00:26:32.200 --> 00:26:33.200
  • my pastor, she said,
  • 00:26:33.200 --> 00:26:36.000
  • "Tina, this is not Ron.
  • 00:26:36.000 --> 00:26:37.130
  • This is the enemy coming in."
  • 00:26:37.130 --> 00:26:39.060
  • And she also said, "I believe
  • 00:26:39.060 --> 00:26:40.230
  • he's in a trance, and you two
  • 00:26:40.230 --> 00:26:42.220
  • need to just be alone."
  • 00:26:42.220 --> 00:26:44.100
  • And I did that.
  • 00:26:44.100 --> 00:26:45.150
  • And at the time, he was away.
  • 00:26:45.150 --> 00:26:47.050
  • And so I flew out to see him
  • 00:26:47.050 --> 00:26:49.050
  • and said,
  • 00:26:49.050 --> 00:26:50.070
  • "We need to talk about this."
  • 00:26:50.070 --> 00:26:51.250
  • But then the confusion of trust
  • 00:26:51.250 --> 00:26:53.180
  • came in.
  • 00:26:53.180 --> 00:26:54.220
  • And the question I was asked
  • 00:26:54.220 --> 00:26:56.270
  • was, "How will you trust?
  • 00:26:56.270 --> 00:26:58.010
  • How will you trust?"
  • 00:26:58.010 --> 00:26:59.040
  • And I remember looking up
  • 00:26:59.040 --> 00:27:00.080
  • and saying, "God,
  • 00:27:00.080 --> 00:27:00.260
  • how will I ever trust again?"
  • 00:27:00.260 --> 00:27:02.190
  • You know, "How can I believe
  • 00:27:02.190 --> 00:27:04.010
  • the enemy won't come in again."
  • 00:27:04.010 --> 00:27:05.110
  • And then I'll just be hurt
  • 00:27:05.110 --> 00:27:06.200
  • again.
  • 00:27:06.200 --> 00:27:07.050
  • Why not just be hurt once?
  • 00:27:07.050 --> 00:27:08.180
  • You know, and if even the Bible
  • 00:27:08.180 --> 00:27:11.010
  • allows you to get out,
  • 00:27:11.010 --> 00:27:12.020
  • why not get out, you know?
  • 00:27:12.020 --> 00:27:13.240
  • And I remember that it was
  • 00:27:13.240 --> 00:27:15.080
  • a Sunday morning as I laid
  • 00:27:15.080 --> 00:27:16.290
  • on my bed, and I hadn't slept
  • 00:27:16.290 --> 00:27:18.090
  • all night.
  • 00:27:18.090 --> 00:27:19.110
  • And I got up and I said,
  • 00:27:19.110 --> 00:27:21.080
  • "I've just gotta go to church.
  • 00:27:21.080 --> 00:27:22.140
  • I've gotta go by myself."
  • 00:27:22.140 --> 00:27:23.200
  • And I put a hoodie on so nobody
  • 00:27:23.200 --> 00:27:25.120
  • would recognize me,
  • 00:27:25.120 --> 00:27:26.200
  • and I sat in the very back row.
  • 00:27:26.200 --> 00:27:28.180
  • And I came after worship,
  • 00:27:28.180 --> 00:27:31.130
  • and I just sat there and I said,
  • 00:27:31.130 --> 00:27:32.250
  • "God, please give me an answer."
  • 00:27:32.250 --> 00:27:35.060
  • And right in the middle
  • 00:27:35.060 --> 00:27:36.000
  • of Pastor John's message,
  • 00:27:36.000 --> 00:27:37.260
  • which was, it had nothing to do
  • 00:27:37.260 --> 00:27:39.010
  • with trust, he stopped,
  • 00:27:39.010 --> 00:27:41.190
  • and he knew it was gonna sound
  • 00:27:41.190 --> 00:27:42.210
  • odd for him to say that
  • 00:27:42.210 --> 00:27:44.070
  • in the middle of his message,
  • 00:27:44.070 --> 00:27:45.160
  • what he was about to say.
  • 00:27:45.160 --> 00:27:46.270
  • He just looked up and he said,
  • 00:27:46.270 --> 00:27:49.000
  • "Listen, I'm going
  • 00:27:49.000 --> 00:27:49.230
  • completely off-topic here.
  • 00:27:49.230 --> 00:27:51.170
  • I don't know who this is for,
  • 00:27:51.170 --> 00:27:53.010
  • but I wanna tell you something.
  • 00:27:53.010 --> 00:27:55.000
  • I wanna tell you that God never
  • 00:27:55.000 --> 00:27:56.270
  • instructed us to trust people.
  • 00:27:56.290 --> 00:27:59.290
  • He instructed us to love people
  • 00:27:59.290 --> 00:28:02.130
  • and trust God."
  • 00:28:02.130 --> 00:28:03.270
  • And then he repeated it again
  • 00:28:03.270 --> 00:28:05.010
  • and he said, "Trust God.
  • 00:28:05.010 --> 00:28:07.130
  • Love people.
  • 00:28:07.130 --> 00:28:08.170
  • That is what we're called
  • 00:28:08.170 --> 00:28:09.270
  • to do."
  • 00:28:09.270 --> 00:28:10.240
  • And I remember looking
  • 00:28:10.240 --> 00:28:12.000
  • at the verse.
  • 00:28:12.000 --> 00:28:12.230
  • And then since then we
  • 00:28:12.230 --> 00:28:13.220
  • have built our ministry on that.
  • 00:28:13.220 --> 00:28:15.170
  • And we built
  • 00:28:15.170 --> 00:28:16.270
  • rebuilding on that.
  • 00:28:16.270 --> 00:28:18.060
  • The Bible says, "When they asked
  • 00:28:18.060 --> 00:28:19.250
  • him, they asked Jesus, you know,
  • 00:28:19.250 --> 00:28:21.150
  • 'Do you allow divorce
  • 00:28:21.150 --> 00:28:23.240
  • like Moses did?
  • 00:28:23.240 --> 00:28:24.230
  • Do you believe and--in that?'
  • 00:28:24.230 --> 00:28:26.280
  • And he said, 'Moses allowed
  • 00:28:26.280 --> 00:28:29.070
  • divorces because of the hardness
  • 00:28:29.070 --> 00:28:31.210
  • of the heart.'"
  • 00:28:31.210 --> 00:28:32.260
  • So now we were given
  • 00:28:32.260 --> 00:28:33.230
  • our instructions.
  • 00:28:33.230 --> 00:28:34.280
  • We needed to figure out
  • 00:28:34.280 --> 00:28:35.260
  • where the hardness of our heart
  • 00:28:35.260 --> 00:28:37.110
  • had come in for that affair
  • 00:28:37.110 --> 00:28:39.210
  • to even happen.
  • 00:28:39.210 --> 00:28:41.050
  • - John: Hmm, that's welcome.
  • 00:28:41.050 --> 00:28:42.140
  • So the whole trust thing,
  • 00:28:42.140 --> 00:28:44.220
  • you turned it around.
  • 00:28:44.220 --> 00:28:46.090
  • So what do you call it now?
  • 00:28:46.090 --> 00:28:47.110
  • Like, how do you help people
  • 00:28:47.110 --> 00:28:48.110
  • that go through that?
  • 00:28:48.110 --> 00:28:49.060
  • Do you ever use the word
  • 00:28:49.060 --> 00:28:50.090
  • "trust" or?
  • 00:28:50.090 --> 00:28:51.100
  • - Tina: No, no, I don't.
  • 00:28:51.100 --> 00:28:53.060
  • Because trust brings
  • 00:28:53.060 --> 00:28:55.010
  • expectation.
  • 00:28:55.010 --> 00:28:56.020
  • That means I'm expecting
  • 00:28:56.020 --> 00:28:57.060
  • something from you.
  • 00:28:57.060 --> 00:28:58.100
  • And that's not just in marriage.
  • 00:28:58.100 --> 00:28:59.180
  • That's in any relationship.
  • 00:28:59.180 --> 00:29:01.130
  • And the minute I put
  • 00:29:01.130 --> 00:29:02.150
  • expectations on someone,
  • 00:29:02.150 --> 00:29:04.150
  • then I'm setting myself up
  • 00:29:04.150 --> 00:29:06.240
  • for failure and setting them up
  • 00:29:06.240 --> 00:29:08.010
  • for failure.
  • 00:29:08.010 --> 00:29:08.290
  • So the new word that we use
  • 00:29:08.290 --> 00:29:11.040
  • and what we help people use,
  • 00:29:11.040 --> 00:29:12.090
  • first of all, it's softer,
  • 00:29:12.090 --> 00:29:13.210
  • and it can't be broken,
  • 00:29:13.210 --> 00:29:15.100
  • is we create safety
  • 00:29:15.100 --> 00:29:16.210
  • in a relationship.
  • 00:29:16.210 --> 00:29:17.210
  • So what does safety look like?
  • 00:29:17.210 --> 00:29:19.180
  • You know, for me, safety looked
  • 00:29:19.180 --> 00:29:21.220
  • like there were no more secrets,
  • 00:29:21.220 --> 00:29:24.200
  • you know?
  • 00:29:24.200 --> 00:29:25.060
  • How were we gonna rebuild
  • 00:29:25.060 --> 00:29:26.240
  • without secrets?
  • 00:29:26.240 --> 00:29:28.000
  • You know, how does this become
  • 00:29:28.000 --> 00:29:29.220
  • an open marriage?
  • 00:29:29.220 --> 00:29:30.230
  • And for my husband,
  • 00:29:30.230 --> 00:29:31.180
  • it was awesome because he got
  • 00:29:31.180 --> 00:29:34.000
  • to the point where he
  • 00:29:34.000 --> 00:29:35.140
  • was helping men in rebuilding
  • 00:29:37.210 --> 00:29:40.210
  • what their safety
  • 00:29:40.210 --> 00:29:41.270
  • in their relationships was.
  • 00:29:41.270 --> 00:29:43.120
  • And one of his biggest rules
  • 00:29:43.120 --> 00:29:44.290
  • for safety was if somebody gives
  • 00:29:44.290 --> 00:29:46.250
  • you a compliment and it
  • 00:29:46.250 --> 00:29:48.020
  • feels good, it's already wrong.
  • 00:29:48.020 --> 00:29:50.100
  • You've already broken safety.
  • 00:29:50.100 --> 00:29:51.290
  • You're not safe, right?
  • 00:29:51.290 --> 00:29:53.240
  • So get out
  • 00:29:53.240 --> 00:29:54.160
  • 'cause you're not safe.
  • 00:29:54.160 --> 00:29:55.160
  • And you know, the Bible says,
  • 00:29:55.160 --> 00:29:56.160
  • "Flee," right?
  • 00:29:56.160 --> 00:29:57.180
  • And he says, "Unfortunately,
  • 00:29:57.180 --> 00:29:59.060
  • when you get into the trance,"
  • 00:29:59.060 --> 00:30:00.200
  • like Pastor Helen had told me,
  • 00:30:00.200 --> 00:30:02.170
  • "the fleeing part's done."
  • 00:30:02.170 --> 00:30:04.070
  • That's why, for him, to be safe
  • 00:30:04.070 --> 00:30:06.220
  • was, you know,
  • 00:30:06.220 --> 00:30:08.010
  • in our line of work,
  • 00:30:08.010 --> 00:30:09.080
  • as you both know,
  • 00:30:09.080 --> 00:30:10.070
  • you're in the same line of work,
  • 00:30:10.070 --> 00:30:11.120
  • compliments are a dime a dozen.
  • 00:30:11.120 --> 00:30:13.090
  • Flattery gets you every time.
  • 00:30:13.090 --> 00:30:15.180
  • And he'd say,
  • 00:30:15.180 --> 00:30:16.210
  • "If it feels good, run.
  • 00:30:16.210 --> 00:30:18.190
  • It's already wrong.
  • 00:30:18.190 --> 00:30:19.210
  • You've already crossed
  • 00:30:19.210 --> 00:30:20.170
  • the line."
  • 00:30:20.170 --> 00:30:21.120
  • So that's the kind of things we
  • 00:30:21.120 --> 00:30:23.010
  • started recognizing.
  • 00:30:23.010 --> 00:30:24.050
  • What made us fall, you know?
  • 00:30:24.050 --> 00:30:27.050
  • And I say "we" because he
  • 00:30:27.050 --> 00:30:28.170
  • didn't fall alone.
  • 00:30:28.170 --> 00:30:29.200
  • We fell together.
  • 00:30:29.200 --> 00:30:30.210
  • - John: Okay, explain that
  • 00:30:30.210 --> 00:30:31.120
  • to me.
  • 00:30:31.120 --> 00:30:31.280
  • It's already wrong.
  • 00:30:31.280 --> 00:30:33.180
  • - Tina: It's already wrong.
  • 00:30:33.180 --> 00:30:34.170
  • - John: Now, you gotta explain
  • 00:30:34.170 --> 00:30:35.060
  • that a little bit farther.
  • 00:30:35.060 --> 00:30:35.260
  • - Tina: Okay, well, safety
  • 00:30:35.260 --> 00:30:37.020
  • means that if a woman
  • 00:30:37.020 --> 00:30:38.230
  • were to give you a compliment
  • 00:30:38.230 --> 00:30:40.020
  • and just say, "Pastor John,
  • 00:30:40.020 --> 00:30:41.070
  • that message today was
  • 00:30:41.070 --> 00:30:43.050
  • so incredible.
  • 00:30:43.050 --> 00:30:44.080
  • It was just, like, so for me."
  • 00:30:44.080 --> 00:30:46.040
  • And it's a beautiful woman,
  • 00:30:46.040 --> 00:30:47.010
  • and she's standing there.
  • 00:30:47.010 --> 00:30:48.060
  • Well, that's about the message,
  • 00:30:48.060 --> 00:30:50.000
  • so you can spiritualize that.
  • 00:30:50.000 --> 00:30:51.120
  • But what if somebody comes up
  • 00:30:51.120 --> 00:30:53.000
  • again, a woman comes up
  • 00:30:53.000 --> 00:30:54.160
  • and says, "Wow,
  • 00:30:54.160 --> 00:30:56.150
  • you really look good today.
  • 00:30:56.150 --> 00:30:58.130
  • I mean, just that shirt,
  • 00:30:58.130 --> 00:31:00.280
  • and how you've matched it
  • 00:31:00.280 --> 00:31:01.280
  • with--and there's not a wrinkle
  • 00:31:01.280 --> 00:31:03.000
  • in it.
  • 00:31:03.000 --> 00:31:03.200
  • I mean, you just--"
  • 00:31:03.200 --> 00:31:04.210
  • - John: That's because I have
  • 00:31:04.210 --> 00:31:05.100
  • someone helping me here.
  • 00:31:05.100 --> 00:31:06.090
  • - Tina: I know, exactly.
  • 00:31:06.090 --> 00:31:07.120
  • That's why I brought that in.
  • 00:31:07.120 --> 00:31:08.160
  • I heard that back there.
  • 00:31:08.160 --> 00:31:10.200
  • But if that feels good
  • 00:31:10.200 --> 00:31:12.070
  • on a man level, and it's
  • 00:31:12.070 --> 00:31:13.190
  • the same for a woman, you know?
  • 00:31:13.190 --> 00:31:15.090
  • Somebody comes up and tells you
  • 00:31:15.090 --> 00:31:17.050
  • how beautiful you look.
  • 00:31:17.050 --> 00:31:18.130
  • You know, and I'm sorry,
  • 00:31:18.130 --> 00:31:19.150
  • but in marriage,
  • 00:31:19.150 --> 00:31:20.150
  • it doesn't happen every day.
  • 00:31:20.150 --> 00:31:21.200
  • And you don't look your best
  • 00:31:21.200 --> 00:31:23.100
  • every hour of the day.
  • 00:31:23.100 --> 00:31:24.200
  • And that,
  • 00:31:24.200 --> 00:31:25.090
  • "You look beautiful, honey,"
  • 00:31:25.090 --> 00:31:26.150
  • sometimes doesn't happen
  • 00:31:26.150 --> 00:31:27.210
  • quite as often.
  • 00:31:27.210 --> 00:31:28.230
  • But you know, out there,
  • 00:31:28.230 --> 00:31:30.210
  • the enemy knows how to use
  • 00:31:30.210 --> 00:31:32.040
  • those words, and they sound
  • 00:31:32.040 --> 00:31:33.240
  • like words of life.
  • 00:31:33.240 --> 00:31:35.100
  • But instead, they're
  • 00:31:35.100 --> 00:31:36.100
  • really words that, you know,
  • 00:31:36.100 --> 00:31:37.260
  • are there to entrap you.
  • 00:31:37.260 --> 00:31:39.270
  • And they're words of death.
  • 00:31:39.270 --> 00:31:42.000
  • - Helen: Such great wisdom.
  • 00:31:42.000 --> 00:31:43.030
  • A lot of it learnt
  • 00:31:43.030 --> 00:31:44.060
  • really the hard way.
  • 00:31:44.060 --> 00:31:46.030
  • And I've watched you
  • 00:31:46.030 --> 00:31:47.120
  • and your beautiful family,
  • 00:31:47.120 --> 00:31:49.070
  • and it's an amazing story to see
  • 00:31:49.070 --> 00:31:50.210
  • you and Ron.
  • 00:31:50.210 --> 00:31:51.130
  • I know Ron's in heaven today,
  • 00:31:51.130 --> 00:31:53.160
  • and cheering you on,
  • 00:31:53.160 --> 00:31:55.190
  • and your beautiful family.
  • 00:31:55.190 --> 00:31:56.270
  • But I look at because you
  • 00:31:56.270 --> 00:31:58.180
  • were willing to do the hard work
  • 00:31:58.180 --> 00:32:00.100
  • that you have so much
  • 00:32:00.100 --> 00:32:01.070
  • to celebrate today.
  • 00:32:01.070 --> 00:32:02.190
  • You're an amazing woman,
  • 00:32:02.190 --> 00:32:03.150
  • an amazing leader.
  • 00:32:03.150 --> 00:32:04.130
  • - Tina: Thank you.
  • 00:32:04.130 --> 00:32:05.000
  • And that feels good.
  • 00:32:05.000 --> 00:32:05.250
  • See, that's okay to feel good.
  • 00:32:05.250 --> 00:32:08.090
  • - Niyah: But tell us why.
  • 00:32:08.090 --> 00:32:09.250
  • Why stay when you had an out?
  • 00:32:09.250 --> 00:32:12.070
  • - Tina: Because I recognized it
  • 00:32:12.070 --> 00:32:13.270
  • as--well, so let me back up
  • 00:32:13.270 --> 00:32:16.260
  • just a little bit.
  • 00:32:16.260 --> 00:32:18.050
  • Before I decided to stay,
  • 00:32:18.050 --> 00:32:19.260
  • I had visited with Pastor Helen.
  • 00:32:20.020 --> 00:32:23.020
  • She didn't even go to church
  • 00:32:23.020 --> 00:32:24.020
  • that night.
  • 00:32:24.020 --> 00:32:24.170
  • It was a Sunday night
  • 00:32:24.170 --> 00:32:25.110
  • when it all came out.
  • 00:32:25.110 --> 00:32:26.240
  • And she stayed with me.
  • 00:32:26.240 --> 00:32:28.130
  • She stayed home.
  • 00:32:28.130 --> 00:32:29.140
  • And that night when I went
  • 00:32:29.140 --> 00:32:31.160
  • to bed and she explained
  • 00:32:31.160 --> 00:32:32.250
  • to me about the trance,
  • 00:32:32.250 --> 00:32:34.150
  • I didn't sleep a wink.
  • 00:32:34.150 --> 00:32:36.020
  • And I took her advice.
  • 00:32:36.020 --> 00:32:37.180
  • My husband at the time
  • 00:32:37.180 --> 00:32:38.200
  • was visiting his father
  • 00:32:38.200 --> 00:32:41.160
  • a few hours away.
  • 00:32:41.160 --> 00:32:42.220
  • And so I was alone
  • 00:32:42.220 --> 00:32:44.150
  • and I got out of bed.
  • 00:32:44.150 --> 00:32:45.200
  • And I went into the bathroom
  • 00:32:45.200 --> 00:32:47.000
  • first thing in the morning.
  • 00:32:47.000 --> 00:32:47.260
  • I had a flight to catch
  • 00:32:47.260 --> 00:32:48.270
  • because she had told me
  • 00:32:48.270 --> 00:32:49.260
  • to get out of there and get
  • 00:32:49.260 --> 00:32:50.290
  • in front of my husband's face.
  • 00:32:50.290 --> 00:32:52.240
  • And so I stood there in front
  • 00:32:52.240 --> 00:32:55.140
  • of that bathroom mirror.
  • 00:32:55.140 --> 00:32:58.000
  • And as I looked, and my face was
  • 00:32:58.000 --> 00:33:00.170
  • swollen, I mean, I was a mess,
  • 00:33:01.100 --> 00:33:04.100
  • I heard God speak so clearly.
  • 00:33:04.130 --> 00:33:07.130
  • And for the first time I looked
  • 00:33:07.130 --> 00:33:08.210
  • at God and I said,
  • 00:33:08.210 --> 00:33:10.050
  • "Did you miss what part of this
  • 00:33:10.050 --> 00:33:11.200
  • I'm the victim?" you know?
  • 00:33:11.200 --> 00:33:14.010
  • Because the words that I heard
  • 00:33:14.010 --> 00:33:15.180
  • speaking back to me
  • 00:33:15.180 --> 00:33:16.230
  • from the mirror was,
  • 00:33:16.230 --> 00:33:18.180
  • "Don't you dare.
  • 00:33:18.180 --> 00:33:20.020
  • Don't you dare go up there
  • 00:33:20.020 --> 00:33:22.090
  • and confront him
  • 00:33:22.090 --> 00:33:23.040
  • with what he's done."
  • 00:33:23.040 --> 00:33:25.060
  • And I said, "Well, why am I
  • 00:33:25.060 --> 00:33:26.170
  • going up there then?
  • 00:33:26.170 --> 00:33:27.210
  • You know, I wanna know
  • 00:33:27.210 --> 00:33:28.170
  • how could this have happened?"
  • 00:33:28.170 --> 00:33:31.070
  • "But instead,
  • 00:33:31.070 --> 00:33:31.230
  • ask yourself the question,"
  • 00:33:31.230 --> 00:33:33.050
  • these are the words God said.
  • 00:33:33.050 --> 00:33:34.230
  • "Ask yourself the question,
  • 00:33:34.230 --> 00:33:37.030
  • 'What part did you play
  • 00:33:37.030 --> 00:33:38.180
  • in this?'"
  • 00:33:38.180 --> 00:33:39.210
  • And that hit so hard
  • 00:33:39.210 --> 00:33:42.010
  • 'cause all I wanted to do was
  • 00:33:42.010 --> 00:33:43.050
  • the whole world to feel sorry
  • 00:33:43.050 --> 00:33:44.060
  • for me.
  • 00:33:44.060 --> 00:33:44.260
  • Helen had held me
  • 00:33:44.260 --> 00:33:45.250
  • the night before.
  • 00:33:45.250 --> 00:33:46.290
  • And you know, considered me
  • 00:33:46.290 --> 00:33:49.010
  • as a friend and held me
  • 00:33:49.010 --> 00:33:50.260
  • as a pastor.
  • 00:33:50.260 --> 00:33:51.270
  • And I wanted to stay
  • 00:33:51.270 --> 00:33:53.090
  • in that mode.
  • 00:33:53.090 --> 00:33:54.110
  • And how could I, how could God
  • 00:33:54.110 --> 00:33:55.270
  • let somethin' like this happen?
  • 00:33:55.270 --> 00:33:57.150
  • So I was not only gonna blame
  • 00:33:57.150 --> 00:33:58.220
  • Ron, I was gonna blame God too.
  • 00:33:58.220 --> 00:34:01.090
  • And I was truly the victim.
  • 00:34:01.120 --> 00:34:04.120
  • But instead, that changed
  • 00:34:04.120 --> 00:34:06.010
  • everything for me.
  • 00:34:06.010 --> 00:34:07.160
  • When I was able to say that--
  • 00:34:07.160 --> 00:34:10.010
  • - Niyah: Oh my goodness.
  • 00:34:10.010 --> 00:34:10.250
  • The story goes so much deeper.
  • 00:34:10.250 --> 00:34:12.060
  • And but thank you so, so much
  • 00:34:12.060 --> 00:34:13.290
  • for just joining us and being
  • 00:34:13.290 --> 00:34:15.060
  • so transparent, and just sharing
  • 00:34:15.060 --> 00:34:17.250
  • your story, your life with us.
  • 00:34:17.250 --> 00:34:19.090
  • - Tina: Thank you.
  • 00:34:19.090 --> 00:34:20.020
  • - Niyah: Amen, amen.
  • 00:34:20.020 --> 00:34:20.250
  • After the break, more to discuss
  • 00:34:20.250 --> 00:34:22.210
  • on the topics of sex, love,
  • 00:34:22.210 --> 00:34:24.060
  • and relationships.
  • 00:34:24.060 --> 00:34:25.080
  • - Niyah: Welcome back
  • 00:34:36.100 --> 00:34:36.260
  • to the show.
  • 00:34:36.260 --> 00:34:37.150
  • And welcome
  • 00:34:37.150 --> 00:34:38.000
  • to our studio audience,
  • 00:34:38.000 --> 00:34:39.080
  • who have some great questions
  • 00:34:39.080 --> 00:34:40.220
  • for John and Helen on the topics
  • 00:34:40.220 --> 00:34:42.180
  • of sex, love, and relationships.
  • 00:34:42.180 --> 00:34:44.120
  • John and Helen, welcome.
  • 00:34:44.120 --> 00:34:45.280
  • - Helen: Good to be with you
  • 00:34:45.280 --> 00:34:46.260
  • today.
  • 00:34:46.260 --> 00:34:47.140
  • - John: I'm lookin' forward
  • 00:34:47.140 --> 00:34:48.010
  • to this.
  • 00:34:48.010 --> 00:34:48.150
  • - Niyah: C'mon, you guys are
  • 00:34:48.150 --> 00:34:49.030
  • in the hot seats.
  • 00:34:49.030 --> 00:34:49.220
  • - Helen: Yep, he is.
  • 00:34:49.220 --> 00:34:51.060
  • - male: Hi, I'd like to know
  • 00:34:51.060 --> 00:34:53.020
  • your advice on keeping
  • 00:34:53.020 --> 00:34:54.090
  • the affection alive
  • 00:34:54.090 --> 00:34:55.140
  • in a marriage,
  • 00:34:55.140 --> 00:34:56.240
  • especially when you've got
  • 00:34:56.240 --> 00:34:57.190
  • young children, and work-wise
  • 00:34:57.190 --> 00:34:59.280
  • you're very, very busy.
  • 00:34:59.280 --> 00:35:01.050
  • - Niyah: Wow, good question.
  • 00:35:01.050 --> 00:35:01.280
  • - John: Yeah, it is
  • 00:35:01.280 --> 00:35:02.130
  • a great question.
  • 00:35:02.130 --> 00:35:03.080
  • And I think a lot of people
  • 00:35:03.080 --> 00:35:05.110
  • go through that.
  • 00:35:05.110 --> 00:35:05.290
  • And I know that we have.
  • 00:35:05.290 --> 00:35:07.050
  • We've dealt with that.
  • 00:35:07.050 --> 00:35:08.140
  • - Helen: Multiple times.
  • 00:35:08.140 --> 00:35:09.130
  • - John: Yeah, kids,
  • 00:35:09.130 --> 00:35:11.070
  • and ministry, and travel,
  • 00:35:11.070 --> 00:35:12.200
  • and how do you keep
  • 00:35:12.200 --> 00:35:14.000
  • this relationship, alive?
  • 00:35:16.280 --> 00:35:18.140
  • And the answer, to me,
  • 00:35:18.140 --> 00:35:19.240
  • is you've gotta plan it.
  • 00:35:19.240 --> 00:35:21.050
  • You know, and planning is
  • 00:35:21.050 --> 00:35:22.080
  • so important.
  • 00:35:22.080 --> 00:35:23.080
  • A lot of people, they want to.
  • 00:35:23.080 --> 00:35:25.000
  • But want-tos that don't have
  • 00:35:25.000 --> 00:35:26.090
  • plans behind it end up
  • 00:35:26.090 --> 00:35:28.040
  • actually hurting you more
  • 00:35:28.040 --> 00:35:29.130
  • than anything 'cause you
  • 00:35:29.130 --> 00:35:30.070
  • just get disappointed.
  • 00:35:30.070 --> 00:35:31.130
  • So we learnt that we had to get
  • 00:35:31.130 --> 00:35:33.210
  • a calendar.
  • 00:35:33.210 --> 00:35:34.170
  • And on the calendar we had
  • 00:35:34.170 --> 00:35:35.210
  • to schedule intimate time,
  • 00:35:35.210 --> 00:35:38.090
  • which meant, you know,
  • 00:35:38.090 --> 00:35:39.120
  • time that we actually spend
  • 00:35:39.120 --> 00:35:40.150
  • with each other,
  • 00:35:40.150 --> 00:35:41.030
  • not talkin' about the kids.
  • 00:35:41.030 --> 00:35:42.140
  • Not talkin' about, you know,
  • 00:35:42.140 --> 00:35:43.290
  • the ministry, the church,
  • 00:35:43.290 --> 00:35:45.010
  • all that stuff.
  • 00:35:45.010 --> 00:35:45.290
  • But just, "How are you doing?
  • 00:35:45.290 --> 00:35:47.210
  • You know, how are you doing?"
  • 00:35:47.210 --> 00:35:49.090
  • And out of that comes
  • 00:35:49.090 --> 00:35:51.060
  • great intimacy.
  • 00:35:51.060 --> 00:35:52.070
  • A lot of times people even ask
  • 00:35:52.070 --> 00:35:54.260
  • things like, "How do you keep
  • 00:35:54.260 --> 00:35:56.020
  • the sexual relationship
  • 00:35:56.020 --> 00:35:57.000
  • in marriage, you know, alive?
  • 00:35:57.000 --> 00:35:59.010
  • And how do you keep it,
  • 00:35:59.010 --> 00:36:00.260
  • you know, really exciting?"
  • 00:36:00.260 --> 00:36:03.050
  • And it's not all the crazy stuff
  • 00:36:03.050 --> 00:36:05.290
  • that sometimes our world
  • 00:36:05.290 --> 00:36:07.050
  • will teach you.
  • 00:36:07.050 --> 00:36:08.030
  • It's recognizing that sex is
  • 00:36:08.030 --> 00:36:10.010
  • the celebration of love.
  • 00:36:10.010 --> 00:36:11.190
  • And if you keep love alive,
  • 00:36:11.190 --> 00:36:13.240
  • that will be there,
  • 00:36:13.240 --> 00:36:14.270
  • and that will be exciting.
  • 00:36:14.270 --> 00:36:16.120
  • And so, putting that time
  • 00:36:16.120 --> 00:36:18.200
  • on the calendar that you
  • 00:36:18.200 --> 00:36:19.190
  • actually plug into each other,
  • 00:36:19.190 --> 00:36:21.240
  • connect with each other,
  • 00:36:21.240 --> 00:36:23.040
  • find out what's going on
  • 00:36:23.040 --> 00:36:24.030
  • in each other's life,
  • 00:36:24.030 --> 00:36:25.100
  • really does overflow
  • 00:36:25.100 --> 00:36:27.020
  • into everything else.
  • 00:36:27.020 --> 00:36:28.060
  • But also, I think
  • 00:36:28.060 --> 00:36:29.190
  • the sexual relationship
  • 00:36:29.190 --> 00:36:30.210
  • is really important.
  • 00:36:30.210 --> 00:36:32.040
  • And a lot of times,
  • 00:36:32.040 --> 00:36:33.270
  • in a marriage, either the wife
  • 00:36:33.270 --> 00:36:35.160
  • or the husband kinda feel
  • 00:36:35.160 --> 00:36:37.110
  • like it's not workin'.
  • 00:36:37.110 --> 00:36:39.250
  • You know, one might want more.
  • 00:36:39.250 --> 00:36:42.120
  • One might want less.
  • 00:36:42.120 --> 00:36:43.220
  • And so you have to come together
  • 00:36:43.220 --> 00:36:45.230
  • and not when you're
  • 00:36:46.160 --> 00:36:49.160
  • kind of upset with each other,
  • 00:36:49.160 --> 00:36:50.280
  • but when everything's
  • 00:36:50.280 --> 00:36:51.190
  • going well.
  • 00:36:51.190 --> 00:36:52.160
  • Talk about it.
  • 00:36:52.160 --> 00:36:53.210
  • What would be the best?
  • 00:36:53.210 --> 00:36:55.130
  • You know, what would
  • 00:36:55.130 --> 00:36:56.190
  • really minister to you
  • 00:36:56.190 --> 00:36:58.150
  • as far as fulfill you?
  • 00:36:58.150 --> 00:37:00.140
  • And the two of you come up with,
  • 00:37:00.140 --> 00:37:02.240
  • you know, what that is
  • 00:37:02.240 --> 00:37:03.200
  • answer-wise.
  • 00:37:03.200 --> 00:37:04.250
  • And then don't leave it up
  • 00:37:04.250 --> 00:37:06.020
  • to one.
  • 00:37:06.020 --> 00:37:07.020
  • You know, often, you know, we
  • 00:37:07.020 --> 00:37:09.070
  • think the guy is supposed to do
  • 00:37:09.070 --> 00:37:10.240
  • all the pursuing so we
  • 00:37:10.240 --> 00:37:12.120
  • take that over into marriage.
  • 00:37:12.120 --> 00:37:13.230
  • And we take that
  • 00:37:13.230 --> 00:37:14.120
  • into the sexual arena.
  • 00:37:14.120 --> 00:37:15.290
  • That means he
  • 00:37:15.290 --> 00:37:16.200
  • has to continually pursue her.
  • 00:37:16.200 --> 00:37:18.230
  • And if there's a time
  • 00:37:18.230 --> 00:37:21.190
  • when it's not really workin'
  • 00:37:21.190 --> 00:37:22.230
  • all that great, it will really
  • 00:37:22.230 --> 00:37:25.200
  • tear the two of you apart.
  • 00:37:25.200 --> 00:37:27.100
  • So share the responsibility.
  • 00:37:27.100 --> 00:37:29.190
  • So, you know, how often,
  • 00:37:29.190 --> 00:37:31.200
  • and share the responsibility.
  • 00:37:31.200 --> 00:37:33.100
  • Mark it on the calendar.
  • 00:37:33.100 --> 00:37:34.230
  • Make sure
  • 00:37:34.230 --> 00:37:35.230
  • that your main objective
  • 00:37:35.230 --> 00:37:37.220
  • on the calendar is that you
  • 00:37:37.220 --> 00:37:39.130
  • connect, that you
  • 00:37:39.130 --> 00:37:40.190
  • get to know each other.
  • 00:37:40.190 --> 00:37:41.190
  • Because, like, we've been
  • 00:37:41.190 --> 00:37:42.110
  • married for 42 years, and she's
  • 00:37:42.110 --> 00:37:44.220
  • a moving target, you know?
  • 00:37:44.220 --> 00:37:47.030
  • I thought I knew her,
  • 00:37:47.030 --> 00:37:48.050
  • but she keeps changing.
  • 00:37:48.050 --> 00:37:49.160
  • And I think women do that
  • 00:37:49.160 --> 00:37:51.050
  • on purpose 'cause they
  • 00:37:51.050 --> 00:37:53.060
  • wanna give you a goal, a target,
  • 00:37:53.060 --> 00:37:55.050
  • you have to keep on pursuing.
  • 00:37:55.050 --> 00:37:56.140
  • They wanna be pursued.
  • 00:37:56.140 --> 00:37:57.090
  • - Niyah: C'mon.
  • 00:37:57.090 --> 00:37:58.010
  • - John: They wanna be pursued.
  • 00:37:58.010 --> 00:37:59.060
  • But the pursuing
  • 00:37:59.060 --> 00:38:00.070
  • isn't to get her into bed.
  • 00:38:00.070 --> 00:38:01.170
  • The pursuing is to get to know
  • 00:38:01.170 --> 00:38:03.110
  • who she is.
  • 00:38:03.110 --> 00:38:04.100
  • And when that happens,
  • 00:38:04.100 --> 00:38:05.130
  • I think everything else follows.
  • 00:38:05.130 --> 00:38:08.130
  • - female: Hi, as a parent,
  • 00:38:08.130 --> 00:38:10.160
  • when dealing with a teenager
  • 00:38:10.160 --> 00:38:12.110
  • who is going through
  • 00:38:12.110 --> 00:38:13.060
  • some really hard times,
  • 00:38:13.060 --> 00:38:16.060
  • mental health issues,
  • 00:38:16.060 --> 00:38:18.230
  • depression, how do you deal
  • 00:38:18.230 --> 00:38:21.220
  • with that, with them trying
  • 00:38:21.220 --> 00:38:22.290
  • to take their lives away?
  • 00:38:22.290 --> 00:38:24.150
  • How do you deal with that
  • 00:38:24.150 --> 00:38:26.080
  • as a parent?
  • 00:38:26.080 --> 00:38:27.260
  • - John: Wow.
  • 00:38:27.260 --> 00:38:28.110
  • I don't think there is
  • 00:38:28.110 --> 00:38:29.170
  • any easy way
  • 00:38:29.170 --> 00:38:30.130
  • to deal with that.
  • 00:38:30.130 --> 00:38:31.150
  • I mean, to come up
  • 00:38:31.150 --> 00:38:33.120
  • with a trite answer
  • 00:38:33.120 --> 00:38:34.210
  • would almost feel like, "Wow,"
  • 00:38:34.210 --> 00:38:37.070
  • you can't do that.
  • 00:38:37.070 --> 00:38:38.120
  • So right off the bat
  • 00:38:38.120 --> 00:38:40.060
  • I'd just say there's
  • 00:38:40.060 --> 00:38:40.230
  • no easy answer to that.
  • 00:38:40.230 --> 00:38:42.130
  • But I think, in general,
  • 00:38:42.130 --> 00:38:44.140
  • what we always are trying to do
  • 00:38:44.140 --> 00:38:45.190
  • as parents is transition
  • 00:38:45.190 --> 00:38:47.030
  • from being policemen
  • 00:38:47.030 --> 00:38:50.000
  • to being coach to being friend.
  • 00:38:50.110 --> 00:38:53.110
  • And what they need at that stage
  • 00:38:53.110 --> 00:38:55.090
  • in their life is typically
  • 00:38:55.090 --> 00:38:57.220
  • the friend.
  • 00:38:57.220 --> 00:38:58.130
  • They need you as a parent,
  • 00:38:58.130 --> 00:39:00.030
  • but they don't need you telling
  • 00:39:00.030 --> 00:39:01.240
  • them what they're doing wrong,
  • 00:39:01.240 --> 00:39:03.060
  • and telling 'em
  • 00:39:03.060 --> 00:39:03.230
  • what they're doing,
  • 00:39:03.230 --> 00:39:04.090
  • you know, what they need to do.
  • 00:39:04.090 --> 00:39:06.030
  • But that you need to transition
  • 00:39:06.030 --> 00:39:07.210
  • to that place.
  • 00:39:07.210 --> 00:39:08.290
  • And what we found is, again,
  • 00:39:10.070 --> 00:39:13.070
  • going back to scheduling.
  • 00:39:13.070 --> 00:39:14.150
  • We would schedule, I'd take
  • 00:39:14.150 --> 00:39:16.130
  • my daughters on dates.
  • 00:39:16.130 --> 00:39:17.220
  • But the purpose of a date was
  • 00:39:17.230 --> 00:39:20.230
  • to be their friend.
  • 00:39:20.230 --> 00:39:21.200
  • The purpose of a date was to get
  • 00:39:21.200 --> 00:39:23.120
  • in their world.
  • 00:39:23.120 --> 00:39:24.180
  • The purpose of their date was
  • 00:39:24.180 --> 00:39:25.210
  • to understand what's happening
  • 00:39:25.210 --> 00:39:27.090
  • in their lives
  • 00:39:27.090 --> 00:39:28.030
  • so that if something was open,
  • 00:39:28.030 --> 00:39:30.130
  • the key to parenting
  • 00:39:30.130 --> 00:39:32.030
  • is that if there's a problem,
  • 00:39:32.030 --> 00:39:33.180
  • they're gonna come to you.
  • 00:39:33.180 --> 00:39:34.250
  • If they don't come to you,
  • 00:39:34.250 --> 00:39:36.090
  • and if they go
  • 00:39:36.090 --> 00:39:36.240
  • to all their friends,
  • 00:39:36.240 --> 00:39:37.150
  • you have no voice
  • 00:39:37.150 --> 00:39:40.150
  • in their lives, so.
  • 00:39:40.150 --> 00:39:41.240
  • - Helen: But as a parent,
  • 00:39:41.240 --> 00:39:42.260
  • dealing with things
  • 00:39:42.260 --> 00:39:43.190
  • one of our daughters
  • 00:39:46.010 --> 00:39:46.240
  • went through anorexia.
  • 00:39:46.240 --> 00:39:48.060
  • It was devastating.
  • 00:39:48.060 --> 00:39:49.160
  • And we had to get more help.
  • 00:39:49.220 --> 00:39:52.220
  • There was help available.
  • 00:39:52.220 --> 00:39:54.080
  • And I think that's where we
  • 00:39:54.080 --> 00:39:55.280
  • reached out to people
  • 00:39:55.280 --> 00:39:57.020
  • that were experts in this area
  • 00:39:57.020 --> 00:39:58.220
  • that could come alongside of us.
  • 00:39:58.220 --> 00:40:00.140
  • I think sometimes
  • 00:40:00.140 --> 00:40:01.040
  • even in the Christian world
  • 00:40:01.040 --> 00:40:02.040
  • we're like, "We don't want
  • 00:40:02.040 --> 00:40:02.280
  • anybody to know this
  • 00:40:02.280 --> 00:40:04.020
  • is going on," whether our child
  • 00:40:04.020 --> 00:40:05.190
  • is having suicidal thoughts,
  • 00:40:05.190 --> 00:40:07.130
  • or if they're going through
  • 00:40:07.130 --> 00:40:08.190
  • an eating disorder.
  • 00:40:08.190 --> 00:40:09.190
  • I believe
  • 00:40:09.190 --> 00:40:10.040
  • in the larger community.
  • 00:40:10.040 --> 00:40:11.100
  • And there's tremendous help
  • 00:40:11.100 --> 00:40:12.120
  • available.
  • 00:40:12.120 --> 00:40:13.030
  • No one's ever alone.
  • 00:40:13.030 --> 00:40:14.230
  • There's always help available.
  • 00:40:14.230 --> 00:40:16.080
  • So I think with that is taking
  • 00:40:16.080 --> 00:40:18.090
  • the shame and the cover off.
  • 00:40:18.090 --> 00:40:20.260
  • It is exactly like John said.
  • 00:40:20.260 --> 00:40:22.110
  • You come alongside your child
  • 00:40:22.110 --> 00:40:23.140
  • and say, "I'm on your team.
  • 00:40:23.140 --> 00:40:25.090
  • I am on your team.
  • 00:40:25.090 --> 00:40:26.070
  • We're gonna do this together.
  • 00:40:26.070 --> 00:40:27.110
  • You're not alone.
  • 00:40:27.110 --> 00:40:28.060
  • Nothing you could ever do would
  • 00:40:28.060 --> 00:40:29.100
  • make me love you less or more.
  • 00:40:29.100 --> 00:40:31.010
  • I'm here for you, but we're
  • 00:40:31.010 --> 00:40:32.110
  • gonna get the help needed,
  • 00:40:32.110 --> 00:40:33.220
  • whether it's a doctor,
  • 00:40:33.220 --> 00:40:34.180
  • whether it's a therapist,
  • 00:40:34.180 --> 00:40:35.160
  • a counselor, church community,
  • 00:40:35.160 --> 00:40:37.170
  • whatever it is.
  • 00:40:37.170 --> 00:40:38.090
  • But we're gonna do this
  • 00:40:38.090 --> 00:40:38.250
  • together."
  • 00:40:38.250 --> 00:40:39.100
  • And when your child's
  • 00:40:39.100 --> 00:40:40.090
  • going through that,
  • 00:40:40.090 --> 00:40:41.080
  • you need it as a parent
  • 00:40:41.080 --> 00:40:42.210
  • as much as they need help.
  • 00:40:42.210 --> 00:40:44.050
  • And that's one of the things
  • 00:40:44.050 --> 00:40:44.290
  • that I needed to learn
  • 00:40:44.290 --> 00:40:45.290
  • as a pastor.
  • 00:40:45.290 --> 00:40:46.280
  • It was hard for me to realize
  • 00:40:46.280 --> 00:40:49.200
  • that, "I'm not perfect.
  • 00:40:49.200 --> 00:40:51.060
  • My child
  • 00:40:51.060 --> 00:40:51.250
  • is going through stuff."
  • 00:40:51.250 --> 00:40:52.220
  • And it happened,
  • 00:40:52.220 --> 00:40:53.150
  • and I couldn't believe
  • 00:40:53.150 --> 00:40:54.080
  • this happened to us, but it did.
  • 00:40:54.080 --> 00:40:56.010
  • And that's where I'm
  • 00:40:56.010 --> 00:40:56.280
  • so thankful.
  • 00:40:56.280 --> 00:40:57.190
  • I didn't find shame from anyone.
  • 00:40:57.190 --> 00:40:59.070
  • I didn't find judgment
  • 00:40:59.070 --> 00:41:00.040
  • from anyone.
  • 00:41:00.040 --> 00:41:00.250
  • I found people coming
  • 00:41:00.250 --> 00:41:02.040
  • alongside us and helping us
  • 00:41:02.040 --> 00:41:03.110
  • carry this through.
  • 00:41:03.110 --> 00:41:04.120
  • 'Cause every parent will need
  • 00:41:04.120 --> 00:41:05.150
  • as much help as their child
  • 00:41:05.150 --> 00:41:06.200
  • during that.
  • 00:41:06.200 --> 00:41:09.010
  • - female: My question is
  • 00:41:09.010 --> 00:41:10.000
  • how does one build
  • 00:41:10.000 --> 00:41:11.050
  • a trusting relationship
  • 00:41:11.050 --> 00:41:12.170
  • when the other person
  • 00:41:12.170 --> 00:41:13.230
  • in the relationship comes
  • 00:41:13.230 --> 00:41:14.170
  • from a lot of brokenness?
  • 00:41:14.170 --> 00:41:16.150
  • - Helen: That's another one
  • 00:41:16.150 --> 00:41:17.080
  • of those loaded questions.
  • 00:41:17.080 --> 00:41:18.230
  • Because trust would be, to me,
  • 00:41:18.230 --> 00:41:20.160
  • one of the essential absolutes
  • 00:41:20.160 --> 00:41:22.280
  • in every single relationship.
  • 00:41:22.280 --> 00:41:24.210
  • And when there has been
  • 00:41:24.210 --> 00:41:26.050
  • brokenness, what we have to do
  • 00:41:26.050 --> 00:41:28.200
  • is not put more shame on them
  • 00:41:28.200 --> 00:41:30.200
  • and say, "I can't trust you
  • 00:41:30.200 --> 00:41:31.190
  • because this happened,
  • 00:41:31.190 --> 00:41:32.170
  • this happened, this happened."
  • 00:41:32.170 --> 00:41:33.250
  • Because everyone's got a past.
  • 00:41:33.250 --> 00:41:35.120
  • And some people's is
  • 00:41:35.120 --> 00:41:36.040
  • a little messier than others.
  • 00:41:36.040 --> 00:41:37.240
  • We all have stuff.
  • 00:41:37.240 --> 00:41:39.080
  • And I think what we need to do
  • 00:41:39.080 --> 00:41:40.160
  • is learn how to come
  • 00:41:40.160 --> 00:41:41.130
  • alongside people.
  • 00:41:41.130 --> 00:41:43.030
  • But own the fact that trust is
  • 00:41:43.030 --> 00:41:44.290
  • an issue for you if this
  • 00:41:44.290 --> 00:41:46.070
  • has happened.
  • 00:41:46.070 --> 00:41:46.220
  • Say they've had, like, you know,
  • 00:41:46.220 --> 00:41:48.200
  • a lot of sexual partners.
  • 00:41:48.200 --> 00:41:50.090
  • I'm just throwing out
  • 00:41:50.090 --> 00:41:51.010
  • something like that.
  • 00:41:51.010 --> 00:41:52.060
  • Or if they've done drugs
  • 00:41:52.060 --> 00:41:53.060
  • in the past,
  • 00:41:53.060 --> 00:41:53.220
  • or not handled finances,
  • 00:41:53.220 --> 00:41:55.190
  • been in prison,
  • 00:41:55.190 --> 00:41:56.130
  • whatever it might be.
  • 00:41:56.130 --> 00:41:57.180
  • There has to be honesty,
  • 00:41:57.180 --> 00:41:59.090
  • first of all.
  • 00:41:59.090 --> 00:42:00.060
  • They have to feel like they
  • 00:42:00.060 --> 00:42:01.040
  • can--I would want to know
  • 00:42:01.040 --> 00:42:02.060
  • everything.
  • 00:42:02.060 --> 00:42:03.110
  • Not every single detail, but I
  • 00:42:03.110 --> 00:42:04.270
  • would want to know the facts
  • 00:42:04.270 --> 00:42:06.130
  • so that I can make a decision
  • 00:42:06.130 --> 00:42:08.140
  • whether I can handle this
  • 00:42:08.140 --> 00:42:10.050
  • and move forward
  • 00:42:10.050 --> 00:42:11.030
  • into the future with them.
  • 00:42:11.030 --> 00:42:12.190
  • And I always say you can't build
  • 00:42:12.190 --> 00:42:14.220
  • a future with somebody
  • 00:42:14.220 --> 00:42:15.290
  • who can't handle your past.
  • 00:42:15.290 --> 00:42:17.250
  • And if they can't, then it's
  • 00:42:17.250 --> 00:42:19.050
  • just, you know, "Thank you
  • 00:42:19.050 --> 00:42:20.040
  • for being an amazing person,
  • 00:42:20.040 --> 00:42:21.130
  • but I'm gonna pray for you."
  • 00:42:21.130 --> 00:42:22.260
  • Now, this is obviously someone
  • 00:42:22.260 --> 00:42:24.160
  • you're dating,
  • 00:42:24.160 --> 00:42:25.130
  • not someone you're married to.
  • 00:42:25.130 --> 00:42:26.180
  • That changes it.
  • 00:42:26.180 --> 00:42:27.240
  • It's a different answer.
  • 00:42:27.240 --> 00:42:29.110
  • But in a dating relationship
  • 00:42:29.110 --> 00:42:30.140
  • you have to be sure.
  • 00:42:30.140 --> 00:42:31.170
  • In a friendship you have to be
  • 00:42:31.170 --> 00:42:32.180
  • sure that you can handle that.
  • 00:42:32.180 --> 00:42:34.170
  • And I would release someone
  • 00:42:34.170 --> 00:42:35.250
  • who couldn't.
  • 00:42:35.250 --> 00:42:36.150
  • But having said that,
  • 00:42:36.150 --> 00:42:37.190
  • now we can go forward and say,
  • 00:42:37.190 --> 00:42:39.060
  • "I want to trust you.
  • 00:42:39.060 --> 00:42:40.040
  • These--I admit it,
  • 00:42:40.040 --> 00:42:41.180
  • I feel insecure maybe
  • 00:42:41.180 --> 00:42:42.260
  • about some of these things,
  • 00:42:42.260 --> 00:42:44.010
  • but I wanna be on your team.
  • 00:42:44.010 --> 00:42:45.180
  • I don't wanna be
  • 00:42:45.180 --> 00:42:46.100
  • your policeperson,
  • 00:42:46.100 --> 00:42:47.110
  • but I wanna help you."
  • 00:42:47.110 --> 00:42:48.280
  • And if they're open to that,
  • 00:42:48.280 --> 00:42:50.170
  • and they can be honest about it,
  • 00:42:50.170 --> 00:42:51.260
  • then I can think you can move
  • 00:42:51.260 --> 00:42:52.240
  • forward with little baby steps,
  • 00:42:52.240 --> 00:42:55.030
  • but you can get there.
  • 00:42:55.030 --> 00:42:56.230
  • - Niyah: Man, so much godly
  • 00:42:56.230 --> 00:42:57.170
  • advice and so much godly wisdom.
  • 00:42:57.170 --> 00:42:59.080
  • Thank you so much for sharing.
  • 00:42:59.080 --> 00:43:01.010
  • Now, right after the break,
  • 00:43:01.010 --> 00:43:02.060
  • John and Helen outline
  • 00:43:02.060 --> 00:43:03.020
  • their final messages
  • 00:43:03.020 --> 00:43:04.000
  • on the topics
  • 00:43:04.000 --> 00:43:04.210
  • of rebuilding trust.
  • 00:43:04.210 --> 00:43:06.220
  • You're not gonna wanna
  • 00:43:06.220 --> 00:43:07.110
  • miss this.
  • 00:43:07.110 --> 00:43:07.280
  • - Niyah: Welcome back
  • 00:43:20.040 --> 00:43:20.240
  • to the show where we cover
  • 00:43:20.240 --> 00:43:22.020
  • everything surrounding sex,
  • 00:43:22.020 --> 00:43:23.200
  • love, and relationships.
  • 00:43:23.200 --> 00:43:25.270
  • Now, I know we've talked
  • 00:43:25.270 --> 00:43:27.010
  • a lot about love
  • 00:43:27.010 --> 00:43:28.030
  • and relationships.
  • 00:43:28.030 --> 00:43:29.080
  • And some of you might be like,
  • 00:43:29.080 --> 00:43:30.080
  • "Well, what about sex?"
  • 00:43:30.080 --> 00:43:31.240
  • Oh my goodness, we're gonna talk
  • 00:43:31.240 --> 00:43:32.290
  • about it today.
  • 00:43:32.290 --> 00:43:34.140
  • But before we do,
  • 00:43:34.140 --> 00:43:35.140
  • we couldn't resist asking
  • 00:43:35.140 --> 00:43:36.190
  • our studio audience members
  • 00:43:36.190 --> 00:43:38.060
  • if they would reveal
  • 00:43:38.060 --> 00:43:39.050
  • their own insights on sex,
  • 00:43:39.050 --> 00:43:41.070
  • love, and relationships
  • 00:43:41.070 --> 00:43:42.120
  • for John and Helen to see.
  • 00:43:42.120 --> 00:43:43.220
  • Let's see.
  • 00:43:43.220 --> 00:43:45.020
  • - male: What are
  • 00:43:45.020 --> 00:43:45.170
  • - female: Thank God.
  • 00:43:48.060 --> 00:43:50.070
  • - male: Why do you think
  • 00:43:50.070 --> 00:43:50.230
  • good people cheat?
  • 00:43:50.230 --> 00:43:52.120
  • - female: Wow,
  • 00:43:52.120 --> 00:43:55.110
  • just human behavior
  • 00:43:55.110 --> 00:43:56.240
  • and not always following
  • 00:43:56.240 --> 00:43:59.110
  • the right thing.
  • 00:43:59.110 --> 00:44:00.120
  • It's just a part
  • 00:44:00.120 --> 00:44:01.030
  • of the human behavior.
  • 00:44:01.030 --> 00:44:03.140
  • - male: What do you do if you
  • 00:44:03.140 --> 00:44:04.090
  • like someone?
  • 00:44:04.150 --> 00:44:07.150
  • - female: I make myself
  • 00:44:07.150 --> 00:44:09.050
  • a little bit available,
  • 00:44:09.050 --> 00:44:10.230
  • talking to them, and trying
  • 00:44:10.230 --> 00:44:11.270
  • to get to know them.
  • 00:44:11.270 --> 00:44:13.240
  • - male: Do you think sexting's
  • 00:44:13.240 --> 00:44:14.140
  • okay?
  • 00:44:14.140 --> 00:44:15.230
  • - female: Sexting is not okay.
  • 00:44:15.230 --> 00:44:17.280
  • It kinda goes
  • 00:44:17.280 --> 00:44:18.180
  • into another territory.
  • 00:44:18.180 --> 00:44:20.130
  • Unless you're married,
  • 00:44:20.130 --> 00:44:22.040
  • then you can sext all you want.
  • 00:44:22.040 --> 00:44:23.190
  • But not really if you're single.
  • 00:44:23.190 --> 00:44:26.160
  • - male: What's a symbol
  • 00:44:26.160 --> 00:44:27.040
  • of being in love?
  • 00:44:27.040 --> 00:44:29.080
  • - female: A symbol of being
  • 00:44:29.080 --> 00:44:30.160
  • in love is probably
  • 00:44:30.160 --> 00:44:31.190
  • real compassion,
  • 00:44:31.190 --> 00:44:33.120
  • and loving when you don't
  • 00:44:33.120 --> 00:44:34.190
  • necessarily feel like loving.
  • 00:44:34.210 --> 00:44:37.210
  • - male: Do you think opposites
  • 00:44:37.210 --> 00:44:38.100
  • can attract?
  • 00:44:38.100 --> 00:44:39.150
  • - female: Yes.
  • 00:44:39.150 --> 00:44:41.020
  • - male: Should you text someone
  • 00:44:41.020 --> 00:44:41.230
  • right back?
  • 00:44:41.230 --> 00:44:43.080
  • - female: I think it's okay
  • 00:44:43.080 --> 00:44:44.100
  • if you know that person
  • 00:44:44.100 --> 00:44:46.080
  • and you know how they're
  • 00:44:46.080 --> 00:44:46.290
  • gonna respond to you.
  • 00:44:46.290 --> 00:44:48.050
  • If you don't feel nervous
  • 00:44:48.050 --> 00:44:48.210
  • about it, you can go
  • 00:44:48.210 --> 00:44:49.080
  • with your first instinct.
  • 00:44:49.080 --> 00:44:51.120
  • - male: Do you think flirting
  • 00:44:51.120 --> 00:44:52.000
  • is cheating?
  • 00:44:52.000 --> 00:44:54.050
  • - female: If you're married
  • 00:44:54.050 --> 00:44:54.240
  • it is.
  • 00:44:55.030 --> 00:44:58.030
  • - male: If you could ask a man
  • 00:44:58.030 --> 00:44:59.010
  • one question, what would it be?
  • 00:44:59.080 --> 00:45:02.100
  • - female: Do you have
  • 00:45:02.100 --> 00:45:02.250
  • a real genuine relationship
  • 00:45:02.250 --> 00:45:05.060
  • with Jesus Christ?
  • 00:45:05.060 --> 00:45:06.070
  • Is he the head of your life?
  • 00:45:06.070 --> 00:45:07.270
  • - male: Is being friends
  • 00:45:07.270 --> 00:45:08.130
  • with your ex okay?
  • 00:45:08.130 --> 00:45:10.070
  • - female: It depends
  • 00:45:10.070 --> 00:45:10.230
  • on the relationship.
  • 00:45:10.230 --> 00:45:12.020
  • I don't know.
  • 00:45:12.020 --> 00:45:13.000
  • It just depends on the history
  • 00:45:13.000 --> 00:45:14.100
  • of that relationship if you
  • 00:45:14.100 --> 00:45:15.200
  • can be friends or not
  • 00:45:15.200 --> 00:45:16.180
  • - John: Some really good,
  • 00:45:19.070 --> 00:45:19.240
  • you know, how she,
  • 00:45:19.240 --> 00:45:21.020
  • she listened, she thought,
  • 00:45:21.020 --> 00:45:22.120
  • and she responded,
  • 00:45:22.120 --> 00:45:23.180
  • and she had quite a bit to say.
  • 00:45:23.180 --> 00:45:26.000
  • - Helen: I would applaud her
  • 00:45:26.000 --> 00:45:28.060
  • on every one of those,
  • 00:45:28.060 --> 00:45:29.170
  • other than I'm not sure
  • 00:45:29.170 --> 00:45:30.170
  • about if you're married.
  • 00:45:30.170 --> 00:45:31.120
  • Don't be sending me
  • 00:45:31.120 --> 00:45:32.060
  • any pictures.
  • 00:45:32.060 --> 00:45:33.080
  • - John: Yeah, I don't agree
  • 00:45:33.080 --> 00:45:35.070
  • with that one.
  • 00:45:35.070 --> 00:45:36.040
  • - Helen: Too many children,
  • 00:45:36.040 --> 00:45:37.040
  • grandchildren, and people
  • 00:45:37.040 --> 00:45:38.030
  • in the world, yeah.
  • 00:45:38.030 --> 00:45:39.030
  • And beside, we're old.
  • 00:45:39.030 --> 00:45:40.170
  • - John: I think
  • 00:45:40.170 --> 00:45:41.020
  • what was interesting to me was,
  • 00:45:41.020 --> 00:45:42.190
  • "If you like somebody,
  • 00:45:42.190 --> 00:45:43.260
  • what do you do?"
  • 00:45:43.260 --> 00:45:44.200
  • Well, you make yourself
  • 00:45:44.200 --> 00:45:45.140
  • available.
  • 00:45:45.140 --> 00:45:46.140
  • - Helen: So you can get to know
  • 00:45:46.140 --> 00:45:47.180
  • them better.
  • 00:45:47.180 --> 00:45:48.080
  • Absolutely what I would do.
  • 00:45:48.080 --> 00:45:50.110
  • - Niyah: I loved that one.
  • 00:45:50.110 --> 00:45:51.080
  • And one of the questions
  • 00:45:51.080 --> 00:45:52.100
  • that stuck out to me,
  • 00:45:52.100 --> 00:45:53.020
  • she was like, "What would you
  • 00:45:53.020 --> 00:45:54.100
  • ask a guy if you had
  • 00:45:54.100 --> 00:45:55.160
  • the chance to?"
  • 00:45:55.160 --> 00:45:56.100
  • And she said, "Do you have
  • 00:45:56.100 --> 00:45:57.180
  • a genuine, true relationship
  • 00:45:57.180 --> 00:45:59.140
  • with Jesus Christ?"
  • 00:45:59.140 --> 00:46:00.250
  • Now, I love that.
  • 00:46:00.250 --> 00:46:02.090
  • But to me, I kinda think
  • 00:46:02.090 --> 00:46:03.140
  • of like, "Hmm, would they
  • 00:46:03.140 --> 00:46:05.060
  • really be honest about that
  • 00:46:05.060 --> 00:46:07.250
  • at, you know what I'm saying,
  • 00:46:07.250 --> 00:46:08.260
  • to the full extent
  • 00:46:08.260 --> 00:46:10.010
  • if they're very interested
  • 00:46:10.010 --> 00:46:10.290
  • in the girl, you know?"
  • 00:46:10.290 --> 00:46:12.100
  • - John: Right.
  • 00:46:12.100 --> 00:46:13.000
  • - Helen: That's a great point.
  • 00:46:13.000 --> 00:46:14.190
  • I think one, that question,
  • 00:46:14.190 --> 00:46:16.010
  • he may feel, "Yes, absolutely."
  • 00:46:16.010 --> 00:46:18.190
  • But I think that what does
  • 00:46:18.190 --> 00:46:21.030
  • a genuine relationship
  • 00:46:21.030 --> 00:46:22.190
  • look like with Jesus to you?
  • 00:46:22.190 --> 00:46:24.140
  • That where are you going
  • 00:46:24.140 --> 00:46:25.140
  • with your life?
  • 00:46:25.140 --> 00:46:26.140
  • What does that mean to you?
  • 00:46:26.140 --> 00:46:27.230
  • And I think you can't answer
  • 00:46:27.230 --> 00:46:29.080
  • that in a one-word question.
  • 00:46:29.080 --> 00:46:31.020
  • I mean, a question
  • 00:46:31.020 --> 00:46:32.040
  • with a one-word answers.
  • 00:46:32.040 --> 00:46:33.060
  • It's actually a relationship
  • 00:46:33.060 --> 00:46:34.090
  • of discovery.
  • 00:46:34.090 --> 00:46:35.110
  • - John: And I think that's why
  • 00:46:35.110 --> 00:46:36.090
  • it's so important that you
  • 00:46:36.090 --> 00:46:38.080
  • actually get to know each other
  • 00:46:38.080 --> 00:46:40.090
  • across the room.
  • 00:46:40.090 --> 00:46:41.100
  • In other words, you don't get
  • 00:46:41.100 --> 00:46:42.150
  • into this attraction
  • 00:46:42.150 --> 00:46:45.020
  • relationship and then you ask
  • 00:46:45.020 --> 00:46:46.150
  • those questions, because people
  • 00:46:46.150 --> 00:46:47.250
  • do turn into chameleons,
  • 00:46:47.250 --> 00:46:49.170
  • and they will be whatever color
  • 00:46:49.170 --> 00:46:50.280
  • you want them to be.
  • 00:46:50.280 --> 00:46:52.050
  • But if you watch
  • 00:46:52.050 --> 00:46:53.010
  • across the room, you can tell.
  • 00:46:53.010 --> 00:46:54.070
  • Do they really have
  • 00:46:54.070 --> 00:46:55.040
  • a relationship?
  • 00:46:55.040 --> 00:46:56.010
  • Especially if you watch 'em
  • 00:46:56.010 --> 00:46:56.240
  • in church.
  • 00:46:56.240 --> 00:46:57.140
  • Are they really worshipers?
  • 00:46:57.140 --> 00:46:58.240
  • Or what happens
  • 00:46:58.240 --> 00:46:59.180
  • when the offering goes by?
  • 00:46:59.180 --> 00:47:02.020
  • - Helen: Yeah, I think
  • 00:47:02.020 --> 00:47:02.170
  • pay attention to that one.
  • 00:47:02.170 --> 00:47:03.240
  • - Niyah: Ooh yeah.
  • 00:47:03.240 --> 00:47:05.000
  • Was that a 5 or a $100 bill
  • 00:47:05.000 --> 00:47:06.170
  • in there?
  • 00:47:06.170 --> 00:47:08.130
  • Now, we're gonna get things
  • 00:47:08.130 --> 00:47:09.150
  • a little spicy right now
  • 00:47:09.150 --> 00:47:11.010
  • because this is the questions
  • 00:47:11.010 --> 00:47:12.180
  • that you guys have been waiting
  • 00:47:12.180 --> 00:47:13.250
  • for, some of these questions
  • 00:47:13.250 --> 00:47:14.270
  • our viewers sent in about sex.
  • 00:47:14.270 --> 00:47:16.290
  • The first question they sent in
  • 00:47:16.290 --> 00:47:18.010
  • was, "In dating, when do you
  • 00:47:18.010 --> 00:47:19.260
  • bring up your sexual past?
  • 00:47:19.260 --> 00:47:22.000
  • And how much do you reveal?"
  • 00:47:22.000 --> 00:47:24.080
  • Hmm.
  • 00:47:24.080 --> 00:47:25.010
  • - Helen: Well, I talk about
  • 00:47:25.010 --> 00:47:27.030
  • this often as I'm, you know,
  • 00:47:27.030 --> 00:47:29.100
  • talking with young people,
  • 00:47:29.100 --> 00:47:30.220
  • or talking
  • 00:47:30.220 --> 00:47:31.070
  • premarital relationships
  • 00:47:31.070 --> 00:47:33.170
  • and that.
  • 00:47:33.170 --> 00:47:34.090
  • Because I think that it's
  • 00:47:34.090 --> 00:47:35.180
  • very important
  • 00:47:35.180 --> 00:47:36.170
  • that if you've had
  • 00:47:36.170 --> 00:47:37.200
  • a sexual past,
  • 00:47:37.200 --> 00:47:39.040
  • that we're honest about that.
  • 00:47:39.040 --> 00:47:40.190
  • I think about
  • 00:47:40.190 --> 00:47:41.050
  • not just our sexual past,
  • 00:47:41.050 --> 00:47:42.180
  • if you have, like if you've had
  • 00:47:42.180 --> 00:47:43.260
  • bankruptcy, if you've been
  • 00:47:43.260 --> 00:47:45.210
  • in prison, if you have an STD,
  • 00:47:45.210 --> 00:47:47.150
  • like, all of the above.
  • 00:47:47.150 --> 00:47:49.030
  • - John: If you've had a,
  • 00:47:49.030 --> 00:47:49.260
  • you know, an abortion or a baby
  • 00:47:49.260 --> 00:47:52.050
  • in the past.
  • 00:47:52.050 --> 00:47:53.010
  • There's so many things.
  • 00:47:53.010 --> 00:47:54.110
  • - Helen: Yeah, and I think they
  • 00:47:54.110 --> 00:47:55.210
  • need to be talked about.
  • 00:47:55.210 --> 00:47:57.000
  • And I think that you don't talk
  • 00:47:57.000 --> 00:47:59.240
  • about 'em too soon.
  • 00:47:59.240 --> 00:48:00.210
  • I think so often we reveal
  • 00:48:00.210 --> 00:48:01.190
  • everything and we tell people
  • 00:48:01.190 --> 00:48:03.080
  • stuff they don't need to know
  • 00:48:03.080 --> 00:48:04.190
  • because the relationship's
  • 00:48:04.190 --> 00:48:05.150
  • not gonna go where it
  • 00:48:05.150 --> 00:48:06.130
  • actually, you know, where you
  • 00:48:06.130 --> 00:48:07.170
  • might think it's going.
  • 00:48:07.170 --> 00:48:08.190
  • But I do think
  • 00:48:08.190 --> 00:48:09.060
  • when the relationship
  • 00:48:09.060 --> 00:48:10.030
  • gets more serious that we
  • 00:48:10.030 --> 00:48:12.060
  • do need to talk about it.
  • 00:48:12.060 --> 00:48:13.110
  • If you see a future
  • 00:48:13.110 --> 00:48:14.040
  • with this person,
  • 00:48:14.040 --> 00:48:14.250
  • that you're probably
  • 00:48:14.250 --> 00:48:15.150
  • going to get married,
  • 00:48:15.150 --> 00:48:16.230
  • then I think we need to bring up
  • 00:48:16.230 --> 00:48:17.260
  • our story.
  • 00:48:17.260 --> 00:48:19.020
  • - Niyah: Okay, so my question
  • 00:48:19.020 --> 00:48:19.290
  • is this.
  • 00:48:19.290 --> 00:48:20.190
  • So you bring up
  • 00:48:20.190 --> 00:48:21.060
  • your sexual past,
  • 00:48:21.060 --> 00:48:22.210
  • and the person reveals,
  • 00:48:22.210 --> 00:48:23.220
  • "Okay, yes, I'm not a virgin."
  • 00:48:23.220 --> 00:48:26.190
  • Why continue the conversation
  • 00:48:26.190 --> 00:48:27.290
  • past that?
  • 00:48:27.290 --> 00:48:29.010
  • You know it.
  • 00:48:29.010 --> 00:48:29.170
  • There's nothing there that's
  • 00:48:29.170 --> 00:48:31.000
  • huge that we need to talk about.
  • 00:48:31.000 --> 00:48:32.290
  • So can we just move along
  • 00:48:32.290 --> 00:48:34.120
  • from there, perhaps?
  • 00:48:34.120 --> 00:48:35.260
  • - John: Well, that's what I
  • 00:48:35.260 --> 00:48:36.130
  • think what she meant, well,
  • 00:48:36.130 --> 00:48:37.230
  • you need to bring it up,
  • 00:48:37.230 --> 00:48:38.220
  • but not in detail.
  • 00:48:38.220 --> 00:48:39.280
  • Not everything under the sun.
  • 00:48:39.280 --> 00:48:41.120
  • You know, just the headlines.
  • 00:48:41.120 --> 00:48:43.070
  • And then you see
  • 00:48:43.070 --> 00:48:43.280
  • what the response is.
  • 00:48:43.280 --> 00:48:45.130
  • - Helen: I think that's
  • 00:48:45.130 --> 00:48:46.010
  • the actually,
  • 00:48:46.010 --> 00:48:46.160
  • the most important part of it,
  • 00:48:46.160 --> 00:48:48.030
  • is to see how they respond
  • 00:48:48.030 --> 00:48:49.170
  • to you in that situation.
  • 00:48:49.170 --> 00:48:51.270
  • And not everyone can deal
  • 00:48:51.270 --> 00:48:53.280
  • with someone that has
  • 00:48:53.280 --> 00:48:55.030
  • a big past.
  • 00:48:55.030 --> 00:48:56.040
  • And I think if that's the fact,
  • 00:48:56.040 --> 00:48:57.240
  • then that's okay.
  • 00:48:57.240 --> 00:48:58.250
  • Then be free and move on.
  • 00:48:58.250 --> 00:49:01.170
  • And I think--
  • 00:49:01.170 --> 00:49:02.020
  • - John: Like, for instance,
  • 00:49:02.020 --> 00:49:02.220
  • if that--now,
  • 00:49:02.220 --> 00:49:04.010
  • like, "Tell me everything.
  • 00:49:04.010 --> 00:49:05.060
  • I wanna know everything."
  • 00:49:05.060 --> 00:49:05.250
  • Why?
  • 00:49:05.250 --> 00:49:07.020
  • Why?
  • 00:49:07.020 --> 00:49:07.170
  • There's a question mark
  • 00:49:07.170 --> 00:49:09.080
  • right there, you know?
  • 00:49:09.080 --> 00:49:10.180
  • "Can't you deal with this is
  • 00:49:10.180 --> 00:49:12.070
  • who I am today?
  • 00:49:12.070 --> 00:49:13.110
  • Yesterday's gone."
  • 00:49:13.110 --> 00:49:14.220
  • Right?
  • 00:49:14.220 --> 00:49:15.090
  • - Helen: And if they
  • 00:49:15.090 --> 00:49:15.240
  • can't handle it,
  • 00:49:15.240 --> 00:49:17.120
  • then I'd just say move on.
  • 00:49:17.120 --> 00:49:19.040
  • And because then you can walk
  • 00:49:19.040 --> 00:49:21.270
  • away from the relationship
  • 00:49:21.270 --> 00:49:23.120
  • and know that that person can't
  • 00:49:23.120 --> 00:49:24.200
  • handle it, or never, ever marry
  • 00:49:24.200 --> 00:49:26.210
  • someone who can't forgive
  • 00:49:26.210 --> 00:49:29.100
  • and move on.
  • 00:49:29.100 --> 00:49:30.110
  • I think that's very telling
  • 00:49:30.110 --> 00:49:31.050
  • about the person.
  • 00:49:31.050 --> 00:49:32.160
  • But I think having said that,
  • 00:49:32.160 --> 00:49:34.180
  • when you open--I would hope
  • 00:49:34.180 --> 00:49:36.280
  • that if I had
  • 00:49:36.280 --> 00:49:37.170
  • a really hurting past
  • 00:49:37.170 --> 00:49:39.020
  • and had made really bad choices
  • 00:49:39.020 --> 00:49:40.230
  • in my life
  • 00:49:40.230 --> 00:49:41.140
  • about any of the things I
  • 00:49:41.140 --> 00:49:42.150
  • might have mentioned,
  • 00:49:42.150 --> 00:49:43.270
  • that I would have a husband
  • 00:49:43.270 --> 00:49:46.130
  • in my future that would look
  • 00:49:46.130 --> 00:49:47.290
  • at me and say,
  • 00:49:47.290 --> 00:49:48.270
  • "That's in your past.
  • 00:49:48.270 --> 00:49:50.000
  • Now let's go build
  • 00:49:50.000 --> 00:49:50.240
  • a beautiful future together."
  • 00:49:50.240 --> 00:49:52.060
  • Because love covers.
  • 00:49:52.060 --> 00:49:53.150
  • Love doesn't expose.
  • 00:49:53.150 --> 00:49:54.210
  • Love doesn't shame.
  • 00:49:54.210 --> 00:49:55.210
  • Love covers.
  • 00:49:55.210 --> 00:49:56.250
  • - Niyah: So when do you do
  • 00:49:56.250 --> 00:49:57.210
  • that though?
  • 00:49:57.210 --> 00:49:58.110
  • Say if you have
  • 00:49:58.110 --> 00:49:59.030
  • a heavy sexual past
  • 00:49:59.030 --> 00:50:00.270
  • of some sort and where things
  • 00:50:00.270 --> 00:50:02.170
  • have went on or what have you.
  • 00:50:02.170 --> 00:50:04.060
  • Do you wait until you
  • 00:50:04.060 --> 00:50:05.070
  • get engaged to reveal it?
  • 00:50:05.070 --> 00:50:06.210
  • Do you wait till
  • 00:50:06.210 --> 00:50:07.120
  • the dating phase to reveal it?
  • 00:50:07.120 --> 00:50:09.110
  • When do you do it?
  • 00:50:09.110 --> 00:50:09.290
  • - Helen: I think, ideally, it
  • 00:50:09.290 --> 00:50:11.280
  • would be just pre-engagement.
  • 00:50:11.280 --> 00:50:13.210
  • And you don't necessarily know
  • 00:50:13.210 --> 00:50:14.190
  • what that is, but unless you're
  • 00:50:14.190 --> 00:50:16.040
  • gonna really see a future
  • 00:50:16.040 --> 00:50:17.280
  • with this person, nobody else
  • 00:50:17.280 --> 00:50:19.130
  • needs to know that.
  • 00:50:19.130 --> 00:50:20.270
  • But I think that, you know,
  • 00:50:20.270 --> 00:50:23.010
  • if this is
  • 00:50:23.010 --> 00:50:23.290
  • a serious relationship
  • 00:50:23.290 --> 00:50:25.130
  • that we see a potential
  • 00:50:25.130 --> 00:50:26.280
  • for the future, then we can talk
  • 00:50:26.280 --> 00:50:28.190
  • about it now.
  • 00:50:28.190 --> 00:50:29.240
  • And if it doesn't work,
  • 00:50:29.240 --> 00:50:31.090
  • then have a great life.
  • 00:50:31.090 --> 00:50:34.000
  • - Niyah: Awesome,
  • 00:50:34.000 --> 00:50:34.170
  • awesome advice.
  • 00:50:34.170 --> 00:50:35.180
  • Now, Pastor John, talk
  • 00:50:35.180 --> 00:50:36.210
  • about today, our episode today,
  • 00:50:36.210 --> 00:50:38.170
  • some pretty heavy stuff,
  • 00:50:38.170 --> 00:50:39.170
  • some pretty heavy conversations.
  • 00:50:39.170 --> 00:50:41.110
  • How would you sum up today?
  • 00:50:41.110 --> 00:50:43.040
  • - John: Well, today's show was
  • 00:50:43.040 --> 00:50:44.060
  • all about trust,
  • 00:50:44.060 --> 00:50:45.010
  • which I think is one of the most
  • 00:50:45.010 --> 00:50:46.090
  • important issues.
  • 00:50:46.090 --> 00:50:47.140
  • And you need to have trust
  • 00:50:47.140 --> 00:50:49.070
  • in a relationship to build.
  • 00:50:49.070 --> 00:50:50.200
  • You can't build without trust.
  • 00:50:50.200 --> 00:50:52.050
  • So somehow, you have
  • 00:50:52.050 --> 00:50:53.150
  • to figure it out and you
  • 00:50:53.150 --> 00:50:54.170
  • have to go forward from there.
  • 00:50:54.170 --> 00:50:56.110
  • Can you get healed from someone
  • 00:50:56.110 --> 00:50:59.000
  • that has broken trust?
  • 00:50:59.000 --> 00:51:00.150
  • Yes, but it's gonna take time,
  • 00:51:00.150 --> 00:51:02.120
  • and it's gonna take
  • 00:51:02.120 --> 00:51:03.130
  • understanding what trust is.
  • 00:51:03.130 --> 00:51:05.040
  • So often we're so confused
  • 00:51:05.040 --> 00:51:06.140
  • in our world.
  • 00:51:06.140 --> 00:51:07.100
  • And I think this show, I think
  • 00:51:07.100 --> 00:51:08.190
  • we talked about that trust
  • 00:51:08.190 --> 00:51:10.060
  • actually, it is not about
  • 00:51:10.060 --> 00:51:12.070
  • your love or your forgiveness.
  • 00:51:12.070 --> 00:51:13.290
  • It's about wisdom.
  • 00:51:13.290 --> 00:51:15.040
  • It's about building on the past.
  • 00:51:15.040 --> 00:51:18.000
  • And as you do,
  • 00:51:18.000 --> 00:51:20.000
  • there's nothing stopping you
  • 00:51:20.000 --> 00:51:20.200
  • - Niyah: Thank you so, so much,
  • 00:51:22.210 --> 00:51:23.280
  • Pastor John and Pastor Helen,
  • 00:51:23.280 --> 00:51:25.010
  • for all your wisdom,
  • 00:51:25.010 --> 00:51:25.270
  • all your godly insight.
  • 00:51:25.270 --> 00:51:27.080
  • Now, I know we all love
  • 00:51:27.080 --> 00:51:29.060
  • the funnier parts of this show.
  • 00:51:29.060 --> 00:51:31.080
  • But we are aware that these are
  • 00:51:31.080 --> 00:51:32.280
  • some real issues
  • 00:51:32.280 --> 00:51:33.280
  • that people deal with.
  • 00:51:33.280 --> 00:51:35.010
  • And if you're concerned
  • 00:51:35.010 --> 00:51:35.260
  • about a friend or family member,
  • 00:51:35.260 --> 00:51:37.040
  • or even yourself, regarding
  • 00:51:37.040 --> 00:51:38.170
  • the topic of rebuilding trust,
  • 00:51:38.170 --> 00:51:40.050
  • we wanna encourage you
  • 00:51:40.050 --> 00:51:41.030
  • to reach out to someone.
  • 00:51:41.030 --> 00:51:42.120
  • Now, next time, we would love
  • 00:51:42.120 --> 00:51:44.140
  • to see you.
  • 00:51:44.140 --> 00:51:45.050
  • Be blessed, live large,
  • 00:51:45.050 --> 00:51:46.200
  • CC by Aberdeen Captioning 1-800-688-6621 abercap.com
  • 00:51:54.060 --> 00:51:58.060