Sex, Love & Relationships
February 28, 2017
51:59
Guests John & Helen Burns | Trust
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Sex, Love & Relationships
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- - male announcer: The themes
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- discussed in this episode
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- do not take into account
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- your specific situation
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- or needs.
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- If you or a family member
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- requires assistance or support,
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- please seek help
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- from a qualified
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- - Niyah Rahmaan: Welcome
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- to "Sex, Love & Relationships,"
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- the show where we talk
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- about marriage, raising
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- children, when to have
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- that discussion about sex,
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- social media, and online dating.
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- My name is Niyah, and I'm here
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- with a special couple
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- all the way from
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- Vancouver, Canada,
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- John and Helen Burns.
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- John and Helen are a wealth
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- of knowledge when it comes
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- to relationships.
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- They've had their own radio
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- and television show for years.
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- They're authors
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- of award-winning and bestselling
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- relationship books,
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- and have been helping singles
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- and couples navigate
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- through life for over 30 years.
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- Today we speak
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- to a very special guest
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- who is an author, counselor,
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- and speaker, and has facilitated
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- hundreds of seminars
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- over the last two decades.
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- - Tina Konkin: Oh, Helen,
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- that night can be
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- one of the best nights, and yet,
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- the worst nights of my life.
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- And God turned
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- into something good.
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- It was the same day
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- I'd found out that my husband
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- - Niyah: Also coming up
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- in this show, we have John
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- and Helen taking
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- some real-life questions
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- from our studio audience.
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- - male: I'd like to know
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- your advice on keeping
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- the affection alive
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- in a marriage.
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- - John Burns: A lot of people,
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- they want to, but want-tos
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- that don't have plans behind it
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- end up actually hurting you
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- more than anything.
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- - Niyah: And we head
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- to social media to see
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- what's trending online.
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- - Helen Burns:
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- I just kinda feel like, can we
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- away for right now?
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- And let's just talk.
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- And it's not because we don't
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- love each other, but we're not
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- paying attention to the fact
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- that we are not present.
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- - Niyah: This show covers
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- all of the hard-hitting topics
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- we need godly wisdom on,
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- - Niyah: So the topic for today
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- is all about trust.
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- That's right, the backbone
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- of all relationships.
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- If there's no trust,
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- you can't build a relationship.
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- Today we talk to experts who are
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- sitting right next to me,
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- John and Helen Burns.
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- Welcome.
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- - John: Great to be here.
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- - Niyah: It's good to have you
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- from Vancouver.
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- - Helen: You bet.
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- - Niyah: Well, today we're
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- talkin' about trust, right?
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- - John: Such a great issue.
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- - Niyah: Without trust--
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- - John: Yeah.
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- You know, I think--we've been
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- teachin' 'bout, you know,
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- relationship stuff.
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- I think it's
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- the most misunderstood
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- characteristic needed
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- in every relationship.
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- So I'm so excited
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- we're gonna deal with it today.
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- - Niyah: Can you move forward
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- without trust?
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- 'Cause when I think--if, like,
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- I don't have trust in you,
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- I'm like, "It's done.
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- We can't even move forward."
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- But is that
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- the right perspective to have?
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- Is that where our--
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- - John: It is
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- the right perspective,
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- but not everybody has that.
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- A lot of people think,
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- "I can do it any way, and it's
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- gonna fall apart down the road."
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- - Niyah: I'm excited.
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- Let's dive on in.
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- Now, we've had
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- an overwhelming response
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- of questions coming in
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- to the show, which has been
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- fantastic because we know
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- people are being impacted.
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- Now, let's check out our next
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- question coming in from Neslie.
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- - Neslie: Hi, Pastors John
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- and Helen.
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- I had a question for you.
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- I have some co-workers that are
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- married, and they like to flirt.
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- But I'm just wondering,
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- at what point does flirting
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- become cheating?
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- - Niyah: Ooh, this is
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- a good one.
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- - John: C'mon, I think
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- you girls got all the answers
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- on this one.
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- - Helen: I'm assuming these are
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- co-workers that are not married
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- to each other, but they are
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- married to somebody else.
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- And I do think that that is a--
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- that is a fine line
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- that we walk so often.
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- I think
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- that even in our marriage,
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- we've had to really have
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- some strict boundaries
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- about what is appropriate
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- and what is not.
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- I can remember way back
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- when John was a dentist,
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- and then also when he was
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- a, you know, a pastor
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- in those early days.
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- And I was kind of watching.
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- And it wasn't like you
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- were trying to be a bad boy.
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- But I'm looking at you,
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- and I'm thinking, "Can you not
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- see what's going on right there,
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- what she's doing, and what--"
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- And so I took my husband aside
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- and I said, "This is
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- appropriate, and this is not."
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- And you were very thankful
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- for it.
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- You weren't flirting, but you
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- were--I don't think you were
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- anyhow.
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- - John: I'm probably
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- the dumbest when it comes
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- to that.
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- I don't know if there's
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- any other males
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- as absolutely dumb in that way.
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- 'Cause I'm just out there
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- tryin' to be nice.
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- But Helen knew, "No, there's
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- somethin' else goin' on here."
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- - Helen: Well, I was just
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- sniffin' it out, I've said--
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- - John: She's got radar.
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- She really does, antennas.
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- - Helen: But you know what was
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- good about it?
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- 'Cause I think there are
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- boundaries.
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- You know, before, long before it
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- ever is just jumping in the sack
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- with somebody else, there is
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- already boundaries that are
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- being crossed when you're
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- talking a lot to a person.
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- There's flirtation, so I think
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- it's being friendly and that.
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- I'm friendly.
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- I talk to anybody.
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- But I think our demeanor
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- actually says something,
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- how it's perceived,
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- or what message we're trying
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- to get across.
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- And so, in our relationship
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- in marriage, I can remember,
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- I was terrified to talk to John
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- about it 'cause I didn't wanna
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- come across as I'm insecure,
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- or you know, I'm jealous.
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- I just thought, "You know what?
- 00:05:14.280 --> 00:05:16.150
- What is appropriate
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- and what's not."
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- One of the things I did was
- 00:05:17.220 --> 00:05:18.260
- all over our office hung up
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- pictures of me and the kids.
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- - Niyah: Yes, very good.
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- Ooh, strategic.
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- You hear that, ladies?
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- Strategically, yes, I love this,
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- being strategic, yes.
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- - Helen: Okay, and those were
- 00:05:29.240 --> 00:05:30.240
- in our early days of repairing
- 00:05:30.240 --> 00:05:31.280
- some difficult parts
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- of our marriage.
- 00:05:33.070 --> 00:05:34.020
- But the even in church,
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- as people came to the door
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- and you greeted them,
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- John has for 30 years
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- always been at the door greeting
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- people, and you know,
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- give them a hug or whatever.
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- But there was some women I
- 00:05:43.030 --> 00:05:44.000
- could kinda go, "You know what?
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- I don't like this."
- 00:05:45.210 --> 00:05:46.220
- And it wasn't insecurity.
- 00:05:46.220 --> 00:05:48.090
- It was just, like, I could see
- 00:05:48.090 --> 00:05:49.140
- there was something that was
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- going in the wrong direction,
- 00:05:50.110 --> 00:05:51.250
- so I addressed it with you.
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- - John: Yeah, she could see
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- that I was feeding something,
- 00:05:54.110 --> 00:05:56.070
- a need that they had that wasn't
- 00:05:56.070 --> 00:05:58.130
- healthy.
- 00:05:58.130 --> 00:06:00.040
- - Niyah: Yeah, okay,
- 00:06:00.040 --> 00:06:00.210
- but when does it become,
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- you know, crossing the line?
- 00:06:01.190 --> 00:06:03.220
- It's just like, "Oh, okay, this
- 00:06:03.220 --> 00:06:04.250
- is cheating in that sense."
- 00:06:04.250 --> 00:06:06.180
- But here's my--I'm like, "Okay,
- 00:06:06.180 --> 00:06:08.180
- if you're flirting, period,
- 00:06:08.180 --> 00:06:10.000
- isn't that just wrong if you're
- 00:06:10.000 --> 00:06:11.040
- married?
- 00:06:11.040 --> 00:06:11.240
- You shouldn't be flirting,
- 00:06:11.240 --> 00:06:12.160
- period."
- 00:06:12.160 --> 00:06:13.120
- - John: If you're married,
- 00:06:13.120 --> 00:06:14.200
- it's wrong.
- 00:06:14.200 --> 00:06:15.110
- - Helen: But I think
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- a lot of people are unaware
- 00:06:15.260 --> 00:06:18.040
- of how they come across.
- 00:06:18.040 --> 00:06:19.100
- I think that they're--and I
- 00:06:19.120 --> 00:06:22.120
- don't think we have to be
- 00:06:22.120 --> 00:06:23.100
- these prudes as men and women--
- 00:06:23.100 --> 00:06:24.170
- that's wrong to call
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- a man that--
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- I suppose, where we're so afraid
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- of being friendly that we
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- do nothing.
- 00:06:30.190 --> 00:06:31.170
- But I think
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- that it's kind of the condition
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- of our heart and the message
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- that we give off.
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- And I think there is
- 00:06:36.140 --> 00:06:37.130
- a responsibility to conduct
- 00:06:37.130 --> 00:06:39.230
- our way--our self in a way
- 00:06:39.230 --> 00:06:41.140
- that people know
- 00:06:41.140 --> 00:06:42.290
- that, "I'm firmly committed
- 00:06:42.290 --> 00:06:43.290
- to my spouse.
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- I'm not looking
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- for anything else."
- 00:06:45.190 --> 00:06:46.210
- But I do think
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- that when that isn't there
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- that you open yourself up.
- 00:06:49.090 --> 00:06:50.210
- If your needs aren't being met
- 00:06:50.210 --> 00:06:52.110
- in a marriage
- 00:06:52.110 --> 00:06:53.050
- in that relationship,
- 00:06:53.050 --> 00:06:54.100
- and somebody else pays
- 00:06:54.100 --> 00:06:55.000
- a lot of attention to you,
- 00:06:55.000 --> 00:06:56.100
- or says things that you wanna
- 00:06:56.100 --> 00:06:57.200
- hear, you're vulnerable to it.
- 00:06:57.200 --> 00:06:59.070
- And I think that if you begin
- 00:06:59.070 --> 00:07:01.060
- to kind of feed that,
- 00:07:01.060 --> 00:07:02.290
- and look for it,
- 00:07:02.290 --> 00:07:05.000
- it's a clue that you're
- 00:07:05.000 --> 00:07:05.280
- on a dangerous territory.
- 00:07:05.280 --> 00:07:07.150
- I remember somebody, years ago,
- 00:07:07.150 --> 00:07:09.090
- that started going
- 00:07:09.090 --> 00:07:10.060
- and working out at the gym.
- 00:07:10.060 --> 00:07:11.240
- Nothin' wrong with that.
- 00:07:11.240 --> 00:07:12.270
- But then she started going out
- 00:07:12.270 --> 00:07:13.260
- working at the gym
- 00:07:13.260 --> 00:07:14.220
- quite dressed up, and you know,
- 00:07:14.220 --> 00:07:17.090
- kinda dressier.
- 00:07:17.090 --> 00:07:18.060
- And I was like,
- 00:07:18.060 --> 00:07:18.220
- "What's going on?"
- 00:07:18.220 --> 00:07:19.220
- Like, "Why do you go to the gym?
- 00:07:19.220 --> 00:07:20.250
- You don't dress that way
- 00:07:20.250 --> 00:07:21.190
- for your husband,
- 00:07:21.190 --> 00:07:22.130
- but you do for the guy--"
- 00:07:22.130 --> 00:07:23.220
- It was her trainer.
- 00:07:23.220 --> 00:07:24.240
- And you know, you challenge it.
- 00:07:24.240 --> 00:07:26.270
- And it's like,
- 00:07:26.270 --> 00:07:27.120
- "What are you doing?"
- 00:07:27.120 --> 00:07:27.270
- "No, there's nothing.
- 00:07:27.270 --> 00:07:28.120
- There's nothing."
- 00:07:28.120 --> 00:07:29.060
- Well, sure enough there was.
- 00:07:29.060 --> 00:07:30.130
- And you have to go and ask
- 00:07:30.130 --> 00:07:32.120
- yourself, "Why am I doing this?
- 00:07:32.120 --> 00:07:34.150
- And what am I hoping
- 00:07:34.150 --> 00:07:35.180
- to get back?"
- 00:07:35.180 --> 00:07:36.220
- And yeah, I think there's, yeah,
- 00:07:36.220 --> 00:07:39.180
- I think that it's cheating, even
- 00:07:39.180 --> 00:07:41.200
- as much as anything else is.
- 00:07:41.200 --> 00:07:44.160
- - Niyah: What if you have
- 00:07:44.160 --> 00:07:45.110
- a, whether that it's
- 00:07:45.110 --> 00:07:46.210
- a young lady, you know,
- 00:07:46.210 --> 00:07:48.100
- or a young man, or whatever,
- 00:07:48.100 --> 00:07:49.020
- and you're just like,
- 00:07:49.020 --> 00:07:49.230
- "But I'm really friendly.
- 00:07:49.230 --> 00:07:51.060
- It's not, you know, cheating.
- 00:07:51.060 --> 00:07:52.140
- And I'm really friendly."
- 00:07:52.140 --> 00:07:53.150
- So they, in their mind, look
- 00:07:53.150 --> 00:07:55.060
- at it as being very friendly,
- 00:07:55.060 --> 00:07:57.000
- but it, you know, clearly,
- 00:07:57.000 --> 00:07:58.020
- to everybody else,
- 00:07:58.020 --> 00:07:58.260
- it's just like, "Wait, you're
- 00:07:58.260 --> 00:07:59.270
- being a little too friendly."
- 00:07:59.270 --> 00:08:01.150
- You know, the touching,
- 00:08:01.150 --> 00:08:02.200
- and everything like that.
- 00:08:02.200 --> 00:08:03.080
- And you're married.
- 00:08:03.080 --> 00:08:04.140
- What would you say to someone
- 00:08:04.140 --> 00:08:05.150
- like that, that's just,
- 00:08:05.150 --> 00:08:06.220
- in their mind, they just see it
- 00:08:06.220 --> 00:08:07.250
- as they're being friendly?
- 00:08:07.250 --> 00:08:09.020
- - John: Well, my wife says
- 00:08:09.020 --> 00:08:09.250
- those kind of things to me.
- 00:08:09.250 --> 00:08:11.280
- Back when, I would normally give
- 00:08:11.280 --> 00:08:14.000
- everybody a hug.
- 00:08:14.000 --> 00:08:15.110
- But she said,
- 00:08:15.110 --> 00:08:15.280
- "You really need to watch out."
- 00:08:15.280 --> 00:08:17.230
- 'Cause it's not so much
- 00:08:17.230 --> 00:08:18.220
- my intention.
- 00:08:18.220 --> 00:08:20.070
- It's what their reception is.
- 00:08:20.070 --> 00:08:22.040
- Their reception is taking it
- 00:08:22.040 --> 00:08:24.080
- the wrong way, and I just,
- 00:08:24.080 --> 00:08:26.000
- I didn't realize that, so.
- 00:08:26.000 --> 00:08:28.000
- - Helen: And there have been
- 00:08:28.000 --> 00:08:29.000
- women in my world, I think,
- 00:08:29.000 --> 00:08:30.070
- as a pastor, and as a mentor,
- 00:08:30.080 --> 00:08:33.080
- I have taken some young girls
- 00:08:33.080 --> 00:08:35.060
- aside and I said,
- 00:08:35.060 --> 00:08:36.150
- "You need to be self-aware.
- 00:08:36.150 --> 00:08:37.210
- This isn't a criticism.
- 00:08:37.210 --> 00:08:38.280
- I'm tryin' to help you."
- 00:08:38.280 --> 00:08:40.030
- People--you want people to get
- 00:08:40.030 --> 00:08:42.120
- to know you for who you are.
- 00:08:42.120 --> 00:08:44.190
- And so dial that back.
- 00:08:44.190 --> 00:08:46.220
- They're not even aware of it
- 00:08:46.220 --> 00:08:47.250
- sometimes.
- 00:08:47.250 --> 00:08:48.200
- And again, I want people to be
- 00:08:48.200 --> 00:08:50.210
- themself.
- 00:08:50.210 --> 00:08:51.160
- And I'm a very friendly,
- 00:08:51.160 --> 00:08:52.210
- outgoing person.
- 00:08:52.210 --> 00:08:53.210
- I have been all of my life.
- 00:08:53.210 --> 00:08:55.030
- But I think anybody who knows me
- 00:08:55.030 --> 00:08:57.070
- knows I'm happily married,
- 00:08:57.070 --> 00:08:59.240
- that that message is out there,
- 00:08:59.240 --> 00:09:01.210
- and I'm not looking
- 00:09:01.210 --> 00:09:02.150
- for anything else.
- 00:09:02.150 --> 00:09:04.140
- But I do think that if someone,
- 00:09:04.140 --> 00:09:06.290
- if you care about someone,
- 00:09:06.290 --> 00:09:07.280
- you'll address it and help them
- 00:09:07.280 --> 00:09:08.280
- with it.
- 00:09:08.280 --> 00:09:09.130
- - Niyah: Do you have
- 00:09:09.130 --> 00:09:09.280
- that conversation when you're
- 00:09:09.280 --> 00:09:11.010
- in a marriage, or you know,
- 00:09:11.010 --> 00:09:12.200
- or even a relationship?
- 00:09:12.200 --> 00:09:14.010
- Should you just sit down
- 00:09:14.010 --> 00:09:15.070
- and say, "Okay, we need to talk
- 00:09:15.070 --> 00:09:16.070
- about boundaries outside,
- 00:09:16.070 --> 00:09:18.050
- meaning with other people."
- 00:09:18.050 --> 00:09:19.030
- To just--
- 00:09:19.030 --> 00:09:19.270
- - John: Absolutely, so,
- 00:09:19.270 --> 00:09:21.100
- you know, say you do have
- 00:09:21.100 --> 00:09:22.130
- one of that couple
- 00:09:22.130 --> 00:09:24.080
- that is maybe crossing the line,
- 00:09:24.080 --> 00:09:27.000
- what you think is crossing
- 00:09:27.000 --> 00:09:27.260
- the line, but he or she
- 00:09:27.260 --> 00:09:29.120
- doesn't know it, like us.
- 00:09:29.120 --> 00:09:31.170
- When Helen sat down and had
- 00:09:31.170 --> 00:09:32.250
- that conversation with me,
- 00:09:32.250 --> 00:09:34.040
- it didn't hurt me.
- 00:09:34.040 --> 00:09:35.260
- It helped me.
- 00:09:35.260 --> 00:09:36.260
- I was thankful for that.
- 00:09:36.260 --> 00:09:38.170
- Why?
- 00:09:38.170 --> 00:09:39.060
- Because my intention
- 00:09:39.060 --> 00:09:40.020
- was never to cross the line.
- 00:09:40.020 --> 00:09:42.200
- My intention was never
- 00:09:42.200 --> 00:09:43.170
- to feed some unhealthy--
- 00:09:43.170 --> 00:09:45.110
- I didn't realize it.
- 00:09:45.110 --> 00:09:46.060
- And you know, I didn't see it.
- 00:09:46.060 --> 00:09:47.090
- So I think, yeah, absolutely,
- 00:09:47.090 --> 00:09:49.000
- you have to have
- 00:09:49.000 --> 00:09:49.270
- that conversation.
- 00:09:49.270 --> 00:09:51.080
- - Niyah:
- 00:09:51.080 --> 00:09:51.230
- What if the person says,
- 00:09:51.230 --> 00:09:52.150
- "Oh, you're just being jealous"?
- 00:09:52.150 --> 00:09:54.260
- - Helen: That's actually
- 00:09:54.260 --> 00:09:55.130
- a very important comment.
- 00:09:55.130 --> 00:09:57.070
- Because if he's defending it,
- 00:09:57.070 --> 00:09:58.220
- or she's defending her behavior,
- 00:09:58.220 --> 00:10:00.220
- you're not being heard.
- 00:10:00.220 --> 00:10:02.290
- And I think that that is
- 00:10:02.290 --> 00:10:04.110
- actually one of the greatest
- 00:10:04.110 --> 00:10:05.180
- clues that you're not
- 00:10:05.180 --> 00:10:06.250
- in a healthy place.
- 00:10:06.250 --> 00:10:08.050
- That if you're defending it,
- 00:10:08.050 --> 00:10:09.210
- or you know, "I just went
- 00:10:09.210 --> 00:10:10.200
- and had coffee with him.
- 00:10:10.200 --> 00:10:11.150
- What is the big deal?
- 00:10:11.150 --> 00:10:12.120
- Why are you so insecure?"
- 00:10:12.120 --> 00:10:13.210
- That's saying that you value
- 00:10:13.210 --> 00:10:15.000
- this more than how it makes
- 00:10:15.000 --> 00:10:16.110
- your spouse feel.
- 00:10:16.110 --> 00:10:17.240
- And that's where you have
- 00:10:17.240 --> 00:10:18.240
- to have--John and I have
- 00:10:18.240 --> 00:10:20.070
- very strict boundaries.
- 00:10:20.070 --> 00:10:21.220
- We've had them for 42 years.
- 00:10:21.220 --> 00:10:23.260
- And well,
- 00:10:23.260 --> 00:10:24.200
- for most of them years.
- 00:10:24.200 --> 00:10:26.150
- But we check up on them
- 00:10:26.150 --> 00:10:29.010
- regularly.
- 00:10:29.010 --> 00:10:29.290
- Not because I don't trust him,
- 00:10:29.290 --> 00:10:31.220
- but because I just wanna
- 00:10:31.220 --> 00:10:33.020
- make sure that we're okay.
- 00:10:33.020 --> 00:10:34.270
- And that's just the kind
- 00:10:34.270 --> 00:10:37.030
- of relationship that we have.
- 00:10:37.030 --> 00:10:38.180
- When we travel,
- 00:10:38.180 --> 00:10:39.260
- what we do or won't do,
- 00:10:39.260 --> 00:10:41.020
- when we talk to people,
- 00:10:41.020 --> 00:10:42.010
- what we do or won't do.
- 00:10:42.010 --> 00:10:43.020
- - John: I'm thankful that she,
- 00:10:43.020 --> 00:10:44.160
- you know, enlightens me
- 00:10:44.160 --> 00:10:46.020
- to my actions
- 00:10:46.020 --> 00:10:47.150
- and what the possible, you know,
- 00:10:47.150 --> 00:10:49.280
- result is.
- 00:10:49.280 --> 00:10:50.180
- Why?
- 00:10:50.180 --> 00:10:51.060
- 'Cause I don't wanna fight
- 00:10:51.060 --> 00:10:52.080
- battles I don't have to fight.
- 00:10:52.080 --> 00:10:53.260
- I don't wanna have temptations
- 00:10:53.260 --> 00:10:55.170
- that I don't have to have.
- 00:10:55.170 --> 00:10:56.230
- And you know, to me,
- 00:10:56.230 --> 00:10:58.020
- that's the easiest way
- 00:10:58.020 --> 00:10:59.080
- to fight temptation,
- 00:10:59.080 --> 00:11:01.060
- is just run from them.
- 00:11:01.060 --> 00:11:02.140
- Don't do it.
- 00:11:02.140 --> 00:11:03.040
- That's what the Bible teaches.
- 00:11:03.040 --> 00:11:03.270
- You know, flee.
- 00:11:03.270 --> 00:11:05.060
- So don't put yourself
- 00:11:05.060 --> 00:11:06.280
- in that place.
- 00:11:06.280 --> 00:11:07.210
- And you need wisdom.
- 00:11:07.210 --> 00:11:08.160
- Wisdom helps when you have
- 00:11:08.160 --> 00:11:10.010
- people that'll speak
- 00:11:10.010 --> 00:11:11.030
- into your life like that.
- 00:11:11.030 --> 00:11:12.120
- I think every marriage
- 00:11:12.120 --> 00:11:13.170
- has to be willing to have
- 00:11:13.170 --> 00:11:14.270
- really tough conversations.
- 00:11:14.270 --> 00:11:16.140
- And I think that when those--
- 00:11:16.140 --> 00:11:18.090
- to me, those weren't easy
- 00:11:18.090 --> 00:11:19.280
- in the beginning.
- 00:11:19.280 --> 00:11:21.110
- Like, "I love you, and I
- 00:11:21.110 --> 00:11:22.220
- wanna go the distance with you.
- 00:11:22.220 --> 00:11:24.170
- This is a concern to me.
- 00:11:24.170 --> 00:11:25.280
- Can we talk about what we
- 00:11:25.280 --> 00:11:26.270
- will do and won't do?"
- 00:11:26.270 --> 00:11:28.040
- But when they were delineated,
- 00:11:28.040 --> 00:11:29.220
- it's been easy to stay on track.
- 00:11:29.220 --> 00:11:31.040
- - Niyah: Do you have it
- 00:11:31.040 --> 00:11:31.190
- in the beginning
- 00:11:31.190 --> 00:11:32.040
- of your marriage?
- 00:11:32.040 --> 00:11:32.250
- Or do you do dating?
- 00:11:32.250 --> 00:11:34.150
- - John: All the way through.
- 00:11:34.150 --> 00:11:35.090
- All the way through.
- 00:11:35.090 --> 00:11:36.060
- - Niyah: Oh, I love this.
- 00:11:36.060 --> 00:11:36.290
- Oh, so much good wisdom.
- 00:11:36.290 --> 00:11:38.220
- Well, after the break, we enter
- 00:11:38.220 --> 00:11:40.020
- into the world of social media
- 00:11:40.020 --> 00:11:41.150
- and discuss what's trending
- 00:11:41.150 --> 00:11:42.200
- online, #sexlove&relationships.
- 00:11:43.180 --> 00:11:46.180
- - Niyah: Welcome back
- 00:11:57.080 --> 00:11:58.020
- to the show.
- 00:11:58.020 --> 00:11:58.270
- Now, this is a relevant segment
- 00:11:58.270 --> 00:12:00.150
- because we can't deny the impact
- 00:12:00.150 --> 00:12:02.050
- social media has on our lives.
- 00:12:02.050 --> 00:12:03.190
- We're discussing trending topics
- 00:12:03.190 --> 00:12:05.050
- on sex, love, and relationships.
- 00:12:05.050 --> 00:12:07.210
- Now, let's see
- 00:12:07.210 --> 00:12:08.100
- some of the comments
- 00:12:08.100 --> 00:12:09.130
- and questions we've received.
- 00:12:09.130 --> 00:12:11.290
- "Be present.
- 00:12:11.290 --> 00:12:13.130
- Social media
- 00:12:13.130 --> 00:12:14.020
- isn't going anywhere.
- 00:12:14.020 --> 00:12:15.150
- Unplug and enjoy life."
- 00:12:15.150 --> 00:12:17.160
- Hallelujah!
- 00:12:17.160 --> 00:12:19.130
- This is like a praise break
- 00:12:19.130 --> 00:12:21.020
- right here.
- 00:12:21.020 --> 00:12:21.260
- - Helen: Oh, I need to know
- 00:12:21.260 --> 00:12:22.160
- what you think about it.
- 00:12:22.160 --> 00:12:23.170
- 'Cause I think I'm 60,
- 00:12:23.170 --> 00:12:25.250
- almost 61, and I think sometimes
- 00:12:25.250 --> 00:12:28.070
- I'm the only person
- 00:12:28.070 --> 00:12:29.000
- that thinks that, or my mother.
- 00:12:29.000 --> 00:12:30.210
- - Niyah: Oh no.
- 00:12:30.210 --> 00:12:31.190
- Oh no, it's--let me tell ya
- 00:12:31.190 --> 00:12:32.260
- something.
- 00:12:32.260 --> 00:12:33.140
- I see sometimes the hold
- 00:12:33.140 --> 00:12:35.100
- social media can have
- 00:12:35.100 --> 00:12:36.190
- on my life.
- 00:12:36.190 --> 00:12:37.130
- I'll be honest.
- 00:12:37.130 --> 00:12:38.100
- I will keep it real.
- 00:12:38.100 --> 00:12:39.180
- And you know, you can get
- 00:12:39.180 --> 00:12:40.270
- a little bit Twitter happy.
- 00:12:40.270 --> 00:12:42.140
- Or you can get
- 00:12:42.140 --> 00:12:43.010
- a little Instagram sucked in.
- 00:12:43.010 --> 00:12:44.240
- And you know, it can be,
- 00:12:44.240 --> 00:12:45.250
- like, overwhelming.
- 00:12:45.250 --> 00:12:47.020
- And you get up in the morning,
- 00:12:47.020 --> 00:12:48.020
- the first thing you do,
- 00:12:48.020 --> 00:12:48.280
- instead of hittin' your knees
- 00:12:48.280 --> 00:12:49.210
- and pray, you're just like,
- 00:12:49.210 --> 00:12:50.210
- "Where's the 'Gram?"
- 00:12:50.210 --> 00:12:51.130
- You know what I'm saying?
- 00:12:51.130 --> 00:12:52.000
- So you're sittin' there,
- 00:12:52.000 --> 00:12:52.190
- going through it.
- 00:12:52.190 --> 00:12:53.100
- And I've had times, if I could
- 00:12:53.100 --> 00:12:54.240
- be totally honest right now--
- 00:12:54.240 --> 00:12:56.110
- - John: Well, that's,
- 00:12:56.110 --> 00:12:56.260
- I always expect you to be.
- 00:12:56.260 --> 00:12:58.170
- - Niyah: Yeah, I mean,
- 00:12:58.170 --> 00:12:59.020
- c'mon, now.
- 00:12:59.020 --> 00:12:59.170
- You know, New Yorkers,
- 00:12:59.170 --> 00:13:00.080
- that's what we do.
- 00:13:00.080 --> 00:13:01.040
- We just let it out there.
- 00:13:01.040 --> 00:13:02.110
- But there's times when I'm like,
- 00:13:02.110 --> 00:13:03.230
- "I'm only gonna look at it
- 00:13:03.230 --> 00:13:04.160
- for 5 minutes, Lord,
- 00:13:04.160 --> 00:13:05.090
- only 5 minutes."
- 00:13:05.090 --> 00:13:06.090
- And it, before you know it,
- 00:13:06.090 --> 00:13:07.080
- I'm looking at it,
- 00:13:07.080 --> 00:13:07.260
- and it's like midnight.
- 00:13:07.260 --> 00:13:08.280
- And I'm like,
- 00:13:08.280 --> 00:13:09.130
- "Oh no, what I'm doing?
- 00:13:09.130 --> 00:13:11.070
- I've been on it for 3 hours,"
- 00:13:11.070 --> 00:13:12.110
- you know?
- 00:13:12.110 --> 00:13:13.020
- So, like, the endless scroll.
- 00:13:13.020 --> 00:13:14.100
- So, yeah, so stuff like this is,
- 00:13:14.100 --> 00:13:15.290
- like, "Yes."
- 00:13:15.290 --> 00:13:16.250
- - John: So are you addicted?
- 00:13:16.250 --> 00:13:18.090
- - Niyah: Not anymore.
- 00:13:18.090 --> 00:13:19.130
- You know, I went through
- 00:13:19.130 --> 00:13:20.020
- a program, you know what I mean,
- 00:13:20.020 --> 00:13:22.050
- called "fasting."
- 00:13:22.050 --> 00:13:23.040
- And you know,
- 00:13:23.040 --> 00:13:23.240
- just really, you know, honestly,
- 00:13:23.240 --> 00:13:25.050
- I'll be honest with you.
- 00:13:25.050 --> 00:13:26.010
- I had to see that it
- 00:13:26.010 --> 00:13:26.260
- was starting to take control,
- 00:13:26.260 --> 00:13:28.080
- starting to take control.
- 00:13:28.080 --> 00:13:28.270
- I was getting
- 00:13:28.270 --> 00:13:29.120
- really, really addicted.
- 00:13:29.120 --> 00:13:30.210
- And I was gettin' distracted.
- 00:13:30.210 --> 00:13:31.290
- And through that, I see
- 00:13:31.290 --> 00:13:33.070
- the media, and then, you know,
- 00:13:33.070 --> 00:13:34.210
- before you know it,
- 00:13:34.210 --> 00:13:35.130
- my train of thought,
- 00:13:35.130 --> 00:13:36.100
- my thinking was going that way.
- 00:13:36.100 --> 00:13:38.140
- And before you know it,
- 00:13:38.140 --> 00:13:39.020
- the comparison,
- 00:13:39.020 --> 00:13:40.050
- that spirit of comparison,
- 00:13:40.050 --> 00:13:41.110
- different things like that.
- 00:13:41.110 --> 00:13:42.170
- And it's not healthy.
- 00:13:42.170 --> 00:13:44.060
- It's not healthy.
- 00:13:44.060 --> 00:13:44.210
- - Helen: Well, I think
- 00:13:44.210 --> 00:13:45.060
- a really tricky thing is it's
- 00:13:45.060 --> 00:13:47.030
- one thing for my generation,
- 00:13:47.030 --> 00:13:48.160
- which it's fairly new.
- 00:13:48.160 --> 00:13:49.280
- I mean, we actually used to have
- 00:13:49.280 --> 00:13:51.020
- phones that hung on the walls,
- 00:13:51.020 --> 00:13:52.230
- and you know?
- 00:13:52.230 --> 00:13:54.060
- - John: Dial it.
- 00:13:54.060 --> 00:13:55.110
- - Niyah: I had that when I
- 00:13:55.110 --> 00:13:56.150
- was young.
- 00:13:56.150 --> 00:13:57.070
- - Helen: But I think of someone
- 00:13:57.070 --> 00:13:58.220
- like my grandchildren,
- 00:13:58.220 --> 00:14:00.210
- that they don't know life
- 00:14:00.210 --> 00:14:01.230
- anywhere different.
- 00:14:01.230 --> 00:14:03.160
- They're so connected to it.
- 00:14:03.160 --> 00:14:05.040
- And I get concerned.
- 00:14:05.040 --> 00:14:07.070
- And I don't wanna be
- 00:14:07.070 --> 00:14:07.270
- like the old grandma nag
- 00:14:07.270 --> 00:14:09.270
- that is, but I know,
- 00:14:09.270 --> 00:14:11.050
- sometimes when we're having
- 00:14:11.050 --> 00:14:12.060
- family dinners,
- 00:14:12.060 --> 00:14:13.080
- I just kind of feel like,
- 00:14:13.080 --> 00:14:14.070
- "Can we just put everyone's
- 00:14:14.070 --> 00:14:15.150
- cell phones away for right now?
- 00:14:15.150 --> 00:14:18.020
- Put it all in this basket.
- 00:14:18.020 --> 00:14:19.170
- You know, even for an hour.
- 00:14:19.170 --> 00:14:20.220
- And let's just talk."
- 00:14:20.220 --> 00:14:22.280
- Because without realizing it,
- 00:14:22.280 --> 00:14:24.280
- we're like, "Oh, pull it up,
- 00:14:24.280 --> 00:14:25.240
- take a picture of this.
- 00:14:25.240 --> 00:14:26.180
- Oh, I'll Instagram that."
- 00:14:26.180 --> 00:14:27.260
- And it's not because we don't
- 00:14:27.260 --> 00:14:29.000
- love each other, but we're not
- 00:14:29.000 --> 00:14:30.120
- paying attention to the fact
- 00:14:30.120 --> 00:14:31.240
- that we are not present.
- 00:14:31.240 --> 00:14:34.230
- We're not engaged.
- 00:14:34.230 --> 00:14:35.220
- - Niyah: Next one: "If you
- 00:14:35.220 --> 00:14:36.250
- could ask a man a question,
- 00:14:36.250 --> 00:14:38.240
- what question?"
- 00:14:38.240 --> 00:14:40.110
- I got plenty.
- 00:14:40.110 --> 00:14:41.080
- Okay, here we are.
- 00:14:41.080 --> 00:14:41.240
- The first one.
- 00:14:41.240 --> 00:14:42.100
- No, I don't--
- 00:14:42.100 --> 00:14:43.010
- - John: Just one.
- 00:14:43.010 --> 00:14:44.020
- - Niyah: Just one, oh.
- 00:14:44.020 --> 00:14:44.190
- - John: Just one, okay?
- 00:14:44.190 --> 00:14:45.200
- I'm gonna give you a minute
- 00:14:45.200 --> 00:14:46.160
- to think about that because
- 00:14:46.160 --> 00:14:48.000
- I'm gonna come back to you.
- 00:14:48.000 --> 00:14:49.150
- But first, I wanna talk
- 00:14:49.150 --> 00:14:50.180
- to my wife.
- 00:14:50.180 --> 00:14:52.000
- One, just one.
- 00:14:52.000 --> 00:14:53.120
- What, if you could ask a man,
- 00:14:53.120 --> 00:14:55.290
- and I'm a man.
- 00:14:55.290 --> 00:14:57.120
- - Niyah: He is, that he is.
- 00:14:57.120 --> 00:14:58.120
- - John: One,
- 00:14:58.120 --> 00:14:59.000
- what would you ask?
- 00:14:59.000 --> 00:15:01.020
- - Helen: What are you getting
- 00:15:01.020 --> 00:15:01.200
- me for Christmas?
- 00:15:01.200 --> 00:15:02.280
- No, I'm kidding.
- 00:15:02.280 --> 00:15:04.080
- I'm kidding.
- 00:15:04.080 --> 00:15:04.280
- That is not it.
- 00:15:04.280 --> 00:15:06.130
- What would I ask you?
- 00:15:07.060 --> 00:15:10.060
- I would probably want to know
- 00:15:10.060 --> 00:15:12.240
- what some of the dreams are
- 00:15:12.240 --> 00:15:14.120
- in your heart that you
- 00:15:14.120 --> 00:15:15.140
- haven't let me know yet,
- 00:15:15.140 --> 00:15:17.010
- that are maybe new and forming.
- 00:15:17.010 --> 00:15:18.260
- I know we talk about them often,
- 00:15:18.260 --> 00:15:20.080
- but I'd wanna know
- 00:15:20.080 --> 00:15:21.160
- what you're dreaming of.
- 00:15:21.160 --> 00:15:23.080
- - John: Oh, that's great.
- 00:15:23.080 --> 00:15:24.080
- Great question.
- 00:15:24.080 --> 00:15:25.220
- I don't know the answer,
- 00:15:25.220 --> 00:15:26.140
- so great question though.
- 00:15:26.140 --> 00:15:27.270
- - Niyah: Okay, my question
- 00:15:27.270 --> 00:15:28.250
- I think would, I think I
- 00:15:28.250 --> 00:15:30.100
- would direct my question
- 00:15:30.100 --> 00:15:31.280
- to the men in the house of God,
- 00:15:31.280 --> 00:15:33.290
- the single men
- 00:15:33.290 --> 00:15:34.210
- in the house of God.
- 00:15:34.210 --> 00:15:35.210
- So, you know, a lot of them,
- 00:15:35.210 --> 00:15:37.120
- you know, they're there,
- 00:15:37.120 --> 00:15:38.210
- you know, love the Lord.
- 00:15:38.210 --> 00:15:39.260
- What takes them so long?
- 00:15:39.260 --> 00:15:41.260
- What's the process they're
- 00:15:41.260 --> 00:15:42.220
- thinkin' about when it comes
- 00:15:42.220 --> 00:15:43.210
- to asking a girl out?
- 00:15:43.210 --> 00:15:45.150
- You know, we have a lot of men
- 00:15:45.150 --> 00:15:46.150
- in the church and everything
- 00:15:46.150 --> 00:15:47.180
- like that, and they're single,
- 00:15:47.180 --> 00:15:49.100
- and I'm like, "Okay, well,
- 00:15:49.100 --> 00:15:50.050
- just go ask her out, or go--"
- 00:15:50.050 --> 00:15:51.110
- Is it because you feel
- 00:15:51.110 --> 00:15:52.090
- like you have too many options,
- 00:15:52.090 --> 00:15:53.240
- you just can't--
- 00:15:53.240 --> 00:15:54.170
- You know, "I don't--
- 00:15:54.170 --> 00:15:55.090
- I wanna be very selective,"
- 00:15:55.090 --> 00:15:56.170
- you know what I'm saying?
- 00:15:56.170 --> 00:15:57.140
- Are you waitin' for an email
- 00:15:57.140 --> 00:15:58.090
- from God?
- 00:15:58.090 --> 00:15:59.020
- Or you know, what is it?
- 00:15:59.020 --> 00:16:00.150
- So I would probably ask them,
- 00:16:00.150 --> 00:16:01.040
- you know,
- 00:16:01.040 --> 00:16:01.190
- what's their train of thought
- 00:16:01.190 --> 00:16:02.200
- and their through process
- 00:16:02.200 --> 00:16:03.110
- when it comes to that.
- 00:16:03.110 --> 00:16:03.290
- - Helen: Can I tell you what I
- 00:16:03.290 --> 00:16:04.190
- know for sure?
- 00:16:04.190 --> 00:16:05.130
- - Niyah: Please.
- 00:16:05.130 --> 00:16:06.150
- - Helen: That that is probably
- 00:16:06.150 --> 00:16:07.290
- the question that somebody--
- 00:16:07.290 --> 00:16:09.270
- that would be probably that we
- 00:16:09.270 --> 00:16:11.190
- get asked the most.
- 00:16:11.190 --> 00:16:12.190
- - Niyah: Really?
- 00:16:12.190 --> 00:16:13.140
- - Helen: From single
- 00:16:13.140 --> 00:16:14.090
- amazing women like yourself.
- 00:16:14.090 --> 00:16:15.270
- - Niyah: Wow.
- 00:16:15.270 --> 00:16:16.130
- - Helen: That is actually,
- 00:16:16.130 --> 00:16:17.130
- I think it's a problem.
- 00:16:17.130 --> 00:16:18.160
- I think it's an issue.
- 00:16:18.160 --> 00:16:19.270
- That women want to know,
- 00:16:19.270 --> 00:16:21.010
- "Am I doing something wrong?
- 00:16:21.010 --> 00:16:22.170
- Is there something I should be
- 00:16:22.170 --> 00:16:24.030
- doing?"
- 00:16:24.030 --> 00:16:24.180
- So, John, what's the answer?
- 00:16:24.180 --> 00:16:25.150
- - Niyah: Yeah, talk to 'em,
- 00:16:25.150 --> 00:16:26.020
- Pastor.
- 00:16:26.020 --> 00:16:26.170
- - John: Well, I actually get
- 00:16:26.170 --> 00:16:27.110
- to talk to young men a lot.
- 00:16:27.110 --> 00:16:29.030
- And I think this is the answer.
- 00:16:29.030 --> 00:16:31.220
- They think they're afraid
- 00:16:31.220 --> 00:16:33.150
- of commitment.
- 00:16:33.150 --> 00:16:34.140
- They don't know who they are.
- 00:16:34.140 --> 00:16:36.070
- So I really think the answer is
- 00:16:36.070 --> 00:16:39.000
- I talk to them
- 00:16:39.000 --> 00:16:39.270
- and as, like, the dad factor,
- 00:16:39.270 --> 00:16:41.160
- I come in and I, "Let me tell
- 00:16:41.160 --> 00:16:43.060
- you guys who you are.
- 00:16:43.060 --> 00:16:44.110
- You were created in the image
- 00:16:44.110 --> 00:16:46.020
- of commitment.
- 00:16:46.020 --> 00:16:47.130
- You were created for commitment.
- 00:16:47.130 --> 00:16:49.070
- It's not like you're afraid
- 00:16:49.070 --> 00:16:50.070
- of it.
- 00:16:50.070 --> 00:16:50.220
- You just don't know who you are.
- 00:16:50.220 --> 00:16:52.010
- Commitment is what
- 00:16:52.010 --> 00:16:52.240
- you're all about."
- 00:16:52.240 --> 00:16:54.120
- And I think what men need is not
- 00:16:54.120 --> 00:16:56.150
- a pointed finger of what you're
- 00:16:56.150 --> 00:16:57.180
- not doin', but they need someone
- 00:16:57.180 --> 00:17:00.040
- that's actually giving them
- 00:17:00.040 --> 00:17:01.250
- the encouragement to what they
- 00:17:02.220 --> 00:17:05.220
- really would like to be.
- 00:17:05.220 --> 00:17:07.080
- - Niyah: Ooh, I'm lovin' this.
- 00:17:07.080 --> 00:17:08.270
- I'm lovin' this.
- 00:17:08.270 --> 00:17:09.200
- Let's check out the next one:
- 00:17:09.200 --> 00:17:11.070
- "Surround yourself
- 00:17:11.070 --> 00:17:12.010
- with those who see greatness
- 00:17:12.010 --> 00:17:14.040
- in you when you don't see it
- 00:17:14.040 --> 00:17:15.190
- yourself.
- 00:17:15.190 --> 00:17:16.210
- Absolutely.
- 00:17:16.210 --> 00:17:17.290
- What do you think about that?
- 00:17:17.290 --> 00:17:18.280
- - Helen: Yeah, it's
- 00:17:18.280 --> 00:17:19.130
- an essential part of life.
- 00:17:19.130 --> 00:17:20.170
- I think that--and we
- 00:17:20.170 --> 00:17:21.240
- should constantly, I think,
- 00:17:21.240 --> 00:17:23.050
- put ourselves in positions
- 00:17:23.050 --> 00:17:25.100
- and challenge ourselves
- 00:17:25.100 --> 00:17:27.030
- to get in environments
- 00:17:27.030 --> 00:17:28.210
- where we sometimes feel
- 00:17:28.210 --> 00:17:30.050
- like we're not enough.
- 00:17:30.050 --> 00:17:31.210
- We are enough.
- 00:17:31.210 --> 00:17:33.000
- But I think if we just always
- 00:17:33.000 --> 00:17:34.140
- hang around people that make us
- 00:17:34.140 --> 00:17:36.210
- really comfortable, this is
- 00:17:36.210 --> 00:17:38.110
- a personal part for me, to just,
- 00:17:38.110 --> 00:17:41.100
- I think, 'cause I grew up
- 00:17:41.100 --> 00:17:42.160
- with people who saw greatness
- 00:17:42.160 --> 00:17:43.200
- in me.
- 00:17:43.200 --> 00:17:44.050
- I have
- 00:17:44.050 --> 00:17:44.200
- the most encouraging parents,
- 00:17:44.200 --> 00:17:46.010
- grandparents, aunts, and uncles.
- 00:17:46.010 --> 00:17:47.130
- My world was encouragement.
- 00:17:47.130 --> 00:17:49.110
- However, I didn't see greatness
- 00:17:49.110 --> 00:17:51.190
- in myself sometimes.
- 00:17:51.190 --> 00:17:52.260
- So I think one of the things
- 00:17:52.260 --> 00:17:54.020
- that I needed to do was put
- 00:17:54.020 --> 00:17:55.140
- myself in an environment
- 00:17:55.140 --> 00:17:57.020
- of people that I aspired
- 00:17:57.020 --> 00:17:59.010
- to be like, and wanted to grow
- 00:17:59.010 --> 00:18:01.050
- to be like, that were not
- 00:18:01.050 --> 00:18:02.180
- just my mom and my dad
- 00:18:02.180 --> 00:18:03.280
- and aunts and uncles,
- 00:18:03.280 --> 00:18:05.280
- but people who had
- 00:18:05.280 --> 00:18:07.080
- this amazing intellect,
- 00:18:07.080 --> 00:18:08.200
- or were changing the world.
- 00:18:08.200 --> 00:18:10.090
- Because when I get around them,
- 00:18:10.090 --> 00:18:12.010
- it challenges me that I can do
- 00:18:12.010 --> 00:18:13.260
- more than I think I can.
- 00:18:13.260 --> 00:18:15.090
- That's a very personal thing.
- 00:18:15.090 --> 00:18:16.270
- - John: And the key here is it
- 00:18:16.270 --> 00:18:17.270
- says, "When you don't see it
- 00:18:17.270 --> 00:18:19.220
- yourself."
- 00:18:19.220 --> 00:18:20.150
- So the time that you need
- 00:18:20.150 --> 00:18:21.180
- to surround yourself with people
- 00:18:21.180 --> 00:18:22.230
- that see greatness
- 00:18:22.230 --> 00:18:23.210
- is when you're at the lowest.
- 00:18:23.210 --> 00:18:25.150
- And when you're at the lowest,
- 00:18:25.150 --> 00:18:27.020
- you normally wanna hide,
- 00:18:27.020 --> 00:18:28.210
- just hide from everybody
- 00:18:28.210 --> 00:18:29.290
- because you don't see what you
- 00:18:29.290 --> 00:18:32.050
- wanna see.
- 00:18:32.050 --> 00:18:33.090
- But you need to find those
- 00:18:33.090 --> 00:18:34.180
- that will see past your mess.
- 00:18:34.180 --> 00:18:37.060
- And I think that's a huge part
- 00:18:37.060 --> 00:18:38.280
- of love.
- 00:18:38.280 --> 00:18:39.230
- I think when you find
- 00:18:39.230 --> 00:18:40.260
- that person in your world,
- 00:18:40.260 --> 00:18:42.100
- like marriage, you fall in love
- 00:18:42.100 --> 00:18:44.100
- with the greatness that you see
- 00:18:44.100 --> 00:18:46.160
- on the inside of that person.
- 00:18:46.160 --> 00:18:48.020
- And you become
- 00:18:48.020 --> 00:18:49.050
- that person's greatest asset.
- 00:18:49.050 --> 00:18:51.110
- When they're not feelin' great
- 00:18:51.110 --> 00:18:53.040
- about themself, you're speakin'
- 00:18:53.040 --> 00:18:54.220
- into their life.
- 00:18:54.220 --> 00:18:55.160
- And I think we all need
- 00:18:55.160 --> 00:18:56.180
- those people in our world.
- 00:18:56.180 --> 00:18:58.080
- Here's a principle.
- 00:18:58.080 --> 00:19:00.200
- We all go
- 00:19:00.200 --> 00:19:01.120
- where we're celebrated.
- 00:19:01.120 --> 00:19:02.240
- - Helen: Yeah, we do.
- 00:19:02.240 --> 00:19:03.190
- - John: We all go
- 00:19:03.190 --> 00:19:04.140
- where we're celebrated.
- 00:19:04.140 --> 00:19:05.110
- So let's become the people
- 00:19:05.110 --> 00:19:07.110
- that celebrate others
- 00:19:07.110 --> 00:19:08.250
- so that those people
- 00:19:08.250 --> 00:19:10.060
- are attracted and want
- 00:19:10.060 --> 00:19:11.160
- to be part of our lives.
- 00:19:11.160 --> 00:19:12.180
- And our lives become bigger
- 00:19:12.180 --> 00:19:13.250
- and bigger when we see
- 00:19:13.250 --> 00:19:15.050
- the greatness and we
- 00:19:15.050 --> 00:19:16.130
- actually celebrate that
- 00:19:16.130 --> 00:19:18.020
- in other people.
- 00:19:18.020 --> 00:19:18.270
- - Helen: And I think
- 00:19:18.270 --> 00:19:19.120
- another thing is to learn
- 00:19:19.120 --> 00:19:20.120
- that if you are constantly
- 00:19:20.120 --> 00:19:21.210
- in an environment that you feel
- 00:19:21.210 --> 00:19:23.090
- that people don't value you,
- 00:19:23.090 --> 00:19:25.070
- respect yourself enough
- 00:19:25.070 --> 00:19:27.080
- to get out of that environment,
- 00:19:27.080 --> 00:19:28.280
- to get around people who do see
- 00:19:28.280 --> 00:19:30.210
- the greatness.
- 00:19:30.210 --> 00:19:31.110
- Is there discipline in that?
- 00:19:31.110 --> 00:19:32.230
- Don't stay
- 00:19:32.230 --> 00:19:33.100
- in a toxic environment.
- 00:19:33.100 --> 00:19:34.200
- Go to where somebody will see
- 00:19:34.200 --> 00:19:36.020
- the greatness in you.
- 00:19:36.020 --> 00:19:36.250
- - Niyah: Preach, Pastor.
- 00:19:36.250 --> 00:19:37.220
- That's--drop the mic.
- 00:19:37.220 --> 00:19:39.010
- Just drop it.
- 00:19:39.010 --> 00:19:40.160
- After the break, more to discuss
- 00:19:40.160 --> 00:19:42.020
- on the topics of sex, love,
- 00:19:42.020 --> 00:19:43.170
- and relationships.
- 00:19:43.170 --> 00:19:44.180
- - Niyah: Well, earlier
- 00:19:55.120 --> 00:19:55.290
- this week, Helen caught up
- 00:19:55.290 --> 00:19:57.040
- with a great woman
- 00:19:57.040 --> 00:19:58.040
- who not only had her own battle
- 00:19:58.040 --> 00:20:00.000
- with broken trust,
- 00:20:00.000 --> 00:20:01.000
- but has rebuilt her life
- 00:20:01.000 --> 00:20:02.120
- - Helen: Hey, Tina.
- 00:20:05.150 --> 00:20:06.130
- It is so great to have you here
- 00:20:06.130 --> 00:20:08.050
- on the set.
- 00:20:08.050 --> 00:20:08.280
- And here I am on your turf.
- 00:20:08.280 --> 00:20:10.180
- We're in California.
- 00:20:10.180 --> 00:20:11.140
- - Tina: Yes.
- 00:20:11.140 --> 00:20:12.040
- - Helen: But I'm used to having
- 00:20:12.040 --> 00:20:13.210
- you in Vancouver.
- 00:20:13.210 --> 00:20:14.270
- So you've transplanted.
- 00:20:14.270 --> 00:20:16.020
- Here you are now.
- 00:20:16.020 --> 00:20:16.220
- Welcome.
- 00:20:16.220 --> 00:20:17.250
- - Tina: Thank you.
- 00:20:17.250 --> 00:20:18.200
- - Helen: So we go way back.
- 00:20:18.200 --> 00:20:19.270
- - Tina: We do.
- 00:20:19.270 --> 00:20:21.100
- We won't say how many years.
- 00:20:21.100 --> 00:20:22.170
- - Helen: No.
- 00:20:22.170 --> 00:20:23.050
- But back to a time,
- 00:20:23.050 --> 00:20:24.120
- I can remember a night,
- 00:20:24.120 --> 00:20:27.080
- getting a phone call from you,
- 00:20:27.080 --> 00:20:28.210
- and your heart
- 00:20:28.210 --> 00:20:29.110
- had just broken.
- 00:20:29.110 --> 00:20:31.080
- Why don't you talk to us
- 00:20:31.080 --> 00:20:32.030
- a little bit about that?
- 00:20:32.030 --> 00:20:33.240
- - Tina: Oh, Helen, that night
- 00:20:33.240 --> 00:20:34.220
- can be one of the best nights,
- 00:20:34.220 --> 00:20:36.220
- and yet, the worst nights
- 00:20:36.220 --> 00:20:37.280
- of my life.
- 00:20:37.280 --> 00:20:38.290
- And God turned
- 00:20:38.290 --> 00:20:40.030
- into something good.
- 00:20:40.030 --> 00:20:41.240
- And so I was thankful that you
- 00:20:41.240 --> 00:20:43.100
- were there for me.
- 00:20:43.100 --> 00:20:44.100
- 'Cause I'll never forget
- 00:20:44.100 --> 00:20:45.080
- that night, sitting
- 00:20:45.080 --> 00:20:46.040
- on your couch, as you held me
- 00:20:46.040 --> 00:20:48.060
- and we cried together,
- 00:20:48.060 --> 00:20:49.100
- and tried to sip coffee,
- 00:20:49.100 --> 00:20:51.030
- but it wasn't
- 00:20:51.030 --> 00:20:51.230
- a good coffee time.
- 00:20:51.230 --> 00:20:53.020
- And it was the same day
- 00:20:53.020 --> 00:20:55.090
- I'd found out that my husband
- 00:20:55.090 --> 00:20:56.150
- had been unfaithful.
- 00:20:56.150 --> 00:20:57.290
- And that day was
- 00:20:57.290 --> 00:20:59.150
- probably one of the days
- 00:20:59.150 --> 00:21:01.020
- that I still mark
- 00:21:01.020 --> 00:21:02.170
- as one of my best
- 00:21:02.170 --> 00:21:04.080
- and one of my worst days
- 00:21:04.080 --> 00:21:05.120
- because the reality of it
- 00:21:05.120 --> 00:21:07.070
- is what's come after that.
- 00:21:07.070 --> 00:21:08.270
- Not taking the counsel that it
- 00:21:08.270 --> 00:21:11.000
- had to be over because trust was
- 00:21:11.000 --> 00:21:13.150
- broken.
- 00:21:13.150 --> 00:21:14.120
- We rebuilt our marriage,
- 00:21:14.120 --> 00:21:16.110
- and against the odds,
- 00:21:16.110 --> 00:21:19.110
- and it took us a couple years,
- 00:21:19.110 --> 00:21:20.290
- I have to be really honest.
- 00:21:20.290 --> 00:21:22.090
- It took that kind of time to get
- 00:21:22.090 --> 00:21:24.070
- to the place where we were safe
- 00:21:24.070 --> 00:21:25.280
- with each other, where,
- 00:21:25.280 --> 00:21:27.080
- you know, we started rebuilding
- 00:21:27.080 --> 00:21:28.230
- a relationship that was better
- 00:21:28.230 --> 00:21:30.090
- than it ever was before.
- 00:21:30.090 --> 00:21:31.150
- - Helen: Right.
- 00:21:31.150 --> 00:21:32.070
- - Tina: Yeah.
- 00:21:32.070 --> 00:21:32.240
- - Helen: I think we need
- 00:21:32.240 --> 00:21:33.150
- more stories of hearing
- 00:21:33.150 --> 00:21:35.120
- where people actually can come
- 00:21:35.120 --> 00:21:37.210
- through the hard places.
- 00:21:37.210 --> 00:21:39.100
- Obviously, it takes two people
- 00:21:39.100 --> 00:21:41.070
- to want it to work,
- 00:21:41.070 --> 00:21:42.210
- and you and Ron were committed
- 00:21:42.210 --> 00:21:44.230
- to the process,
- 00:21:44.230 --> 00:21:45.270
- not an easy process,
- 00:21:45.270 --> 00:21:47.010
- but you did the hard work.
- 00:21:47.010 --> 00:21:48.150
- - Tina: We did the hard work.
- 00:21:48.150 --> 00:21:49.110
- We had to be willing
- 00:21:49.110 --> 00:21:50.070
- to, you know, go through
- 00:21:50.070 --> 00:21:51.160
- the anger and go through
- 00:21:51.160 --> 00:21:52.260
- the rebuilding, and go through,
- 00:21:52.260 --> 00:21:55.120
- you know, what we now call
- 00:21:55.120 --> 00:21:56.270
- in our ministry, "The R3."
- 00:21:56.270 --> 00:21:58.230
- And we developed the R3
- 00:21:58.230 --> 00:21:59.250
- through that.
- 00:21:59.250 --> 00:22:00.170
- And the first was to reveal.
- 00:22:00.170 --> 00:22:02.220
- The R1 was to reveal.
- 00:22:02.220 --> 00:22:04.080
- We had to go to that place.
- 00:22:04.080 --> 00:22:05.130
- We knew we couldn't change
- 00:22:05.130 --> 00:22:07.000
- or heal what we weren't willing
- 00:22:07.000 --> 00:22:08.230
- to reveal.
- 00:22:08.230 --> 00:22:09.260
- And the reveal really was
- 00:22:09.260 --> 00:22:11.200
- that though we didn't know it--
- 00:22:11.200 --> 00:22:13.230
- We weren't in a bad marriage.
- 00:22:13.230 --> 00:22:15.180
- That's the thing that people
- 00:22:15.180 --> 00:22:16.140
- don't get, like,
- 00:22:16.140 --> 00:22:17.140
- "Didn't you see it coming?"
- 00:22:17.140 --> 00:22:18.230
- No, I didn't.
- 00:22:18.230 --> 00:22:20.040
- And neither did he.
- 00:22:20.040 --> 00:22:22.290
- So that was the part that was
- 00:22:22.290 --> 00:22:25.010
- the biggest reveal.
- 00:22:25.010 --> 00:22:26.120
- And we went to the reveal
- 00:22:26.120 --> 00:22:27.120
- of the hardness of the heart.
- 00:22:27.120 --> 00:22:28.240
- We started seeing
- 00:22:28.240 --> 00:22:29.210
- all the unresolved issues,
- 00:22:29.210 --> 00:22:31.210
- which Jesus talks
- 00:22:31.210 --> 00:22:32.180
- about the hardness of the heart
- 00:22:32.180 --> 00:22:34.030
- is why divorce was allowed.
- 00:22:34.030 --> 00:22:35.260
- Not because of infidelity,
- 00:22:35.260 --> 00:22:37.230
- but because it starts
- 00:22:37.230 --> 00:22:38.230
- with hardness of heart.
- 00:22:38.230 --> 00:22:40.060
- And we started dissecting
- 00:22:40.060 --> 00:22:41.220
- the reveal part.
- 00:22:41.220 --> 00:22:43.160
- And once we revealed the things
- 00:22:43.160 --> 00:22:45.060
- that we'd withheld
- 00:22:45.060 --> 00:22:46.100
- from each other, the things
- 00:22:46.100 --> 00:22:47.210
- that we weren't giving
- 00:22:47.210 --> 00:22:50.000
- to another, didn't even know
- 00:22:50.000 --> 00:22:51.160
- for him that it was missing,
- 00:22:51.160 --> 00:22:53.000
- you know?
- 00:22:53.000 --> 00:22:53.210
- And I can just say to women,
- 00:22:53.210 --> 00:22:54.260
- sometimes men,
- 00:22:54.260 --> 00:22:57.100
- you don't realize
- 00:22:57.100 --> 00:22:58.070
- they're missing something.
- 00:22:58.070 --> 00:22:59.040
- They don't either.
- 00:22:59.040 --> 00:23:00.030
- I wasn't a nurturer.
- 00:23:00.030 --> 00:23:01.130
- And go figure, his love language
- 00:23:01.130 --> 00:23:03.060
- was touch.
- 00:23:03.060 --> 00:23:04.280
- You know, go figure that.
- 00:23:04.280 --> 00:23:06.060
- And he marries
- 00:23:06.060 --> 00:23:06.290
- a non-nurturing woman,
- 00:23:06.290 --> 00:23:08.090
- you know?
- 00:23:08.090 --> 00:23:09.010
- But I had to go back to that
- 00:23:09.010 --> 00:23:10.110
- and see why
- 00:23:10.110 --> 00:23:11.100
- wasn't I nurturing?
- 00:23:11.100 --> 00:23:12.190
- What happened to me
- 00:23:12.190 --> 00:23:13.160
- somewhere back here that,
- 00:23:13.160 --> 00:23:15.230
- you know, made me reserve
- 00:23:15.230 --> 00:23:17.220
- or withhold that nurture?
- 00:23:17.220 --> 00:23:20.050
- And then you go to the step two,
- 00:23:20.050 --> 00:23:22.170
- which was the rewrite.
- 00:23:22.170 --> 00:23:23.270
- And the rewrite of the story
- 00:23:23.270 --> 00:23:25.140
- was really, let's take
- 00:23:25.140 --> 00:23:27.200
- what the enemy tried
- 00:23:27.200 --> 00:23:29.010
- to break apart in that reveal.
- 00:23:29.010 --> 00:23:30.210
- Now, let's write,
- 00:23:30.210 --> 00:23:31.240
- "How can I be nurturing?"
- 00:23:31.240 --> 00:23:33.090
- Because now I know why I wasn't
- 00:23:33.090 --> 00:23:35.010
- nurturing.
- 00:23:35.010 --> 00:23:35.280
- That all came out in the reveal.
- 00:23:35.280 --> 00:23:37.150
- We do 40 hours on this.
- 00:23:37.150 --> 00:23:38.280
- So it's kinda hard to unpack
- 00:23:38.280 --> 00:23:39.290
- in a couple minutes.
- 00:23:39.290 --> 00:23:41.020
- But in that,
- 00:23:41.020 --> 00:23:43.290
- then from the reveal--
- 00:23:43.290 --> 00:23:45.090
- from the rewrite--
- 00:23:45.090 --> 00:23:46.220
- we started seeing that
- 00:23:46.220 --> 00:23:47.140
- forgiveness and compassion
- 00:23:47.140 --> 00:23:49.020
- in rewriting our story.
- 00:23:49.020 --> 00:23:51.010
- We're not--our destiny
- 00:23:51.010 --> 00:23:53.010
- is not part of our past.
- 00:23:53.010 --> 00:23:55.010
- And it's looking ahead.
- 00:23:55.010 --> 00:23:56.140
- And you talk a lot about that.
- 00:23:56.140 --> 00:23:58.060
- You know, your past doesn't--
- 00:23:58.060 --> 00:24:00.120
- isn't the picture for your--
- 00:24:00.120 --> 00:24:01.240
- it's just part of your story.
- 00:24:01.240 --> 00:24:03.180
- It's part of the story.
- 00:24:03.180 --> 00:24:05.140
- And the third was the renew,
- 00:24:05.140 --> 00:24:07.130
- and that was the most fun.
- 00:24:07.130 --> 00:24:08.180
- Ron used to say, as you know,
- 00:24:08.180 --> 00:24:09.290
- he's gone on to be
- 00:24:09.290 --> 00:24:11.110
- with the Lord, and he died
- 00:24:11.110 --> 00:24:13.040
- nearly 3 years ago and asked me
- 00:24:13.040 --> 00:24:14.270
- to keep sharing this story
- 00:24:14.270 --> 00:24:16.040
- because the renew was
- 00:24:16.040 --> 00:24:17.240
- the best part ever.
- 00:24:17.240 --> 00:24:19.080
- And that's why I say the affair
- 00:24:19.080 --> 00:24:20.140
- was probably the worst,
- 00:24:20.140 --> 00:24:21.170
- most painful thing
- 00:24:21.170 --> 00:24:22.150
- we ever went through.
- 00:24:22.150 --> 00:24:23.190
- But I would relive that
- 00:24:23.190 --> 00:24:25.030
- over and over again
- 00:24:25.030 --> 00:24:27.030
- for the 18 years we had.
- 00:24:27.030 --> 00:24:29.000
- I didn't know you could renew
- 00:24:29.000 --> 00:24:31.060
- and make things better than it
- 00:24:31.060 --> 00:24:32.150
- ever was before.
- 00:24:32.150 --> 00:24:33.130
- It's not a renovation, you know?
- 00:24:33.130 --> 00:24:35.140
- It's not, "Oh, let's go back
- 00:24:35.140 --> 00:24:36.290
- to where were
- 00:24:36.290 --> 00:24:37.220
- when we first fell in love."
- 00:24:37.220 --> 00:24:39.050
- No, this is about making
- 00:24:39.050 --> 00:24:40.150
- everything new.
- 00:24:40.150 --> 00:24:41.290
- It was a brand-new relationship,
- 00:24:41.290 --> 00:24:43.100
- new stepping stones,
- 00:24:43.100 --> 00:24:44.190
- new building safety
- 00:24:44.190 --> 00:24:46.160
- in the relationship,
- 00:24:46.160 --> 00:24:47.180
- and running to one another
- 00:24:47.180 --> 00:24:49.180
- when there were thoughts of,
- 00:24:49.180 --> 00:24:52.010
- you know, insecurity.
- 00:24:52.010 --> 00:24:53.060
- - Helen: Yeah.
- 00:24:53.060 --> 00:24:54.000
- So here you are now,
- 00:24:54.110 --> 00:24:57.110
- a beautiful story.
- 00:24:57.110 --> 00:24:59.000
- I'm proud of you.
- 00:24:59.000 --> 00:25:00.130
- It's not an easy story, but it
- 00:25:00.130 --> 00:25:02.070
- is a beautiful story because you
- 00:25:02.070 --> 00:25:03.190
- - Niyah: Wow,
- 00:25:05.220 --> 00:25:06.210
- what an outstanding display
- 00:25:06.210 --> 00:25:08.010
- of grace.
- 00:25:08.010 --> 00:25:09.040
- After the break, we welcome
- 00:25:09.040 --> 00:25:10.060
- our guest to the studio
- 00:25:10.060 --> 00:25:11.080
- to continue this discussion.
- 00:25:11.080 --> 00:25:12.260
- - Niyah: Welcome back
- 00:25:24.000 --> 00:25:24.200
- to "Sex, Love, & relationships."
- 00:25:24.200 --> 00:25:26.050
- We just saw Helen discuss
- 00:25:26.050 --> 00:25:27.170
- the topic of rebuilding trust
- 00:25:27.170 --> 00:25:29.010
- with an incredible woman
- 00:25:29.010 --> 00:25:30.030
- who has gone through
- 00:25:30.030 --> 00:25:31.030
- this exact same challenge
- 00:25:31.030 --> 00:25:32.180
- in her own life.
- 00:25:32.180 --> 00:25:33.170
- We're so privileged to speak
- 00:25:33.170 --> 00:25:34.230
- with her now in the studio.
- 00:25:34.230 --> 00:25:36.080
- Tina, welcome.
- 00:25:36.080 --> 00:25:37.160
- - Tina: Thank you.
- 00:25:37.160 --> 00:25:38.090
- It's good to be here.
- 00:25:38.090 --> 00:25:39.120
- - Niyah: Well, you explained
- 00:25:39.120 --> 00:25:41.030
- to us a little bit about
- 00:25:41.030 --> 00:25:42.010
- your story, and your husband
- 00:25:42.010 --> 00:25:43.220
- was unfaithful, right?
- 00:25:43.220 --> 00:25:45.020
- - Tina: Correct, yes.
- 00:25:45.020 --> 00:25:45.230
- - Niyah: Now,
- 00:25:45.230 --> 00:25:46.080
- how's it been like?
- 00:25:46.080 --> 00:25:47.110
- How's the whole rebuilding trust
- 00:25:47.110 --> 00:25:49.100
- process been like since then?
- 00:25:49.100 --> 00:25:51.180
- - Tina: That was probably
- 00:25:51.180 --> 00:25:52.040
- the biggest question with people
- 00:25:52.040 --> 00:25:54.080
- around me that were trying
- 00:25:54.170 --> 00:25:57.170
- to counsel me through this.
- 00:25:57.170 --> 00:25:59.100
- Many felt that I should take
- 00:25:59.100 --> 00:26:01.110
- my biblical right
- 00:26:01.110 --> 00:26:02.200
- and not stay married,
- 00:26:02.200 --> 00:26:04.080
- but instead save the ministry.
- 00:26:04.080 --> 00:26:06.100
- 'Cause at the time we were doing
- 00:26:06.100 --> 00:26:07.110
- personal growth seminars, and we
- 00:26:07.110 --> 00:26:08.250
- were seeing a lot of people
- 00:26:08.250 --> 00:26:09.210
- get saved and a lot of people
- 00:26:09.210 --> 00:26:11.250
- receive healing personally.
- 00:26:11.250 --> 00:26:13.270
- And then this happened.
- 00:26:13.270 --> 00:26:15.010
- And so those around me
- 00:26:15.010 --> 00:26:16.230
- at the time that worked with me
- 00:26:16.230 --> 00:26:18.190
- suggested that, you know, I save
- 00:26:18.190 --> 00:26:20.210
- the ministry because he
- 00:26:20.210 --> 00:26:22.040
- wasn't worthy to be saved.
- 00:26:22.040 --> 00:26:23.160
- Like, it wasn't gonna work.
- 00:26:23.160 --> 00:26:25.180
- And it was a real struggle
- 00:26:25.180 --> 00:26:27.090
- for me because inside of me,
- 00:26:27.090 --> 00:26:29.000
- I felt if there was a chance,
- 00:26:29.000 --> 00:26:30.150
- and because a very good friend,
- 00:26:30.150 --> 00:26:32.200
- Helen, at the time, who was
- 00:26:32.200 --> 00:26:33.200
- my pastor, she said,
- 00:26:33.200 --> 00:26:36.000
- "Tina, this is not Ron.
- 00:26:36.000 --> 00:26:37.130
- This is the enemy coming in."
- 00:26:37.130 --> 00:26:39.060
- And she also said, "I believe
- 00:26:39.060 --> 00:26:40.230
- he's in a trance, and you two
- 00:26:40.230 --> 00:26:42.220
- need to just be alone."
- 00:26:42.220 --> 00:26:44.100
- And I did that.
- 00:26:44.100 --> 00:26:45.150
- And at the time, he was away.
- 00:26:45.150 --> 00:26:47.050
- And so I flew out to see him
- 00:26:47.050 --> 00:26:49.050
- and said,
- 00:26:49.050 --> 00:26:50.070
- "We need to talk about this."
- 00:26:50.070 --> 00:26:51.250
- But then the confusion of trust
- 00:26:51.250 --> 00:26:53.180
- came in.
- 00:26:53.180 --> 00:26:54.220
- And the question I was asked
- 00:26:54.220 --> 00:26:56.270
- was, "How will you trust?
- 00:26:56.270 --> 00:26:58.010
- How will you trust?"
- 00:26:58.010 --> 00:26:59.040
- And I remember looking up
- 00:26:59.040 --> 00:27:00.080
- and saying, "God,
- 00:27:00.080 --> 00:27:00.260
- how will I ever trust again?"
- 00:27:00.260 --> 00:27:02.190
- You know, "How can I believe
- 00:27:02.190 --> 00:27:04.010
- the enemy won't come in again."
- 00:27:04.010 --> 00:27:05.110
- And then I'll just be hurt
- 00:27:05.110 --> 00:27:06.200
- again.
- 00:27:06.200 --> 00:27:07.050
- Why not just be hurt once?
- 00:27:07.050 --> 00:27:08.180
- You know, and if even the Bible
- 00:27:08.180 --> 00:27:11.010
- allows you to get out,
- 00:27:11.010 --> 00:27:12.020
- why not get out, you know?
- 00:27:12.020 --> 00:27:13.240
- And I remember that it was
- 00:27:13.240 --> 00:27:15.080
- a Sunday morning as I laid
- 00:27:15.080 --> 00:27:16.290
- on my bed, and I hadn't slept
- 00:27:16.290 --> 00:27:18.090
- all night.
- 00:27:18.090 --> 00:27:19.110
- And I got up and I said,
- 00:27:19.110 --> 00:27:21.080
- "I've just gotta go to church.
- 00:27:21.080 --> 00:27:22.140
- I've gotta go by myself."
- 00:27:22.140 --> 00:27:23.200
- And I put a hoodie on so nobody
- 00:27:23.200 --> 00:27:25.120
- would recognize me,
- 00:27:25.120 --> 00:27:26.200
- and I sat in the very back row.
- 00:27:26.200 --> 00:27:28.180
- And I came after worship,
- 00:27:28.180 --> 00:27:31.130
- and I just sat there and I said,
- 00:27:31.130 --> 00:27:32.250
- "God, please give me an answer."
- 00:27:32.250 --> 00:27:35.060
- And right in the middle
- 00:27:35.060 --> 00:27:36.000
- of Pastor John's message,
- 00:27:36.000 --> 00:27:37.260
- which was, it had nothing to do
- 00:27:37.260 --> 00:27:39.010
- with trust, he stopped,
- 00:27:39.010 --> 00:27:41.190
- and he knew it was gonna sound
- 00:27:41.190 --> 00:27:42.210
- odd for him to say that
- 00:27:42.210 --> 00:27:44.070
- in the middle of his message,
- 00:27:44.070 --> 00:27:45.160
- what he was about to say.
- 00:27:45.160 --> 00:27:46.270
- He just looked up and he said,
- 00:27:46.270 --> 00:27:49.000
- "Listen, I'm going
- 00:27:49.000 --> 00:27:49.230
- completely off-topic here.
- 00:27:49.230 --> 00:27:51.170
- I don't know who this is for,
- 00:27:51.170 --> 00:27:53.010
- but I wanna tell you something.
- 00:27:53.010 --> 00:27:55.000
- I wanna tell you that God never
- 00:27:55.000 --> 00:27:56.270
- instructed us to trust people.
- 00:27:56.290 --> 00:27:59.290
- He instructed us to love people
- 00:27:59.290 --> 00:28:02.130
- and trust God."
- 00:28:02.130 --> 00:28:03.270
- And then he repeated it again
- 00:28:03.270 --> 00:28:05.010
- and he said, "Trust God.
- 00:28:05.010 --> 00:28:07.130
- Love people.
- 00:28:07.130 --> 00:28:08.170
- That is what we're called
- 00:28:08.170 --> 00:28:09.270
- to do."
- 00:28:09.270 --> 00:28:10.240
- And I remember looking
- 00:28:10.240 --> 00:28:12.000
- at the verse.
- 00:28:12.000 --> 00:28:12.230
- And then since then we
- 00:28:12.230 --> 00:28:13.220
- have built our ministry on that.
- 00:28:13.220 --> 00:28:15.170
- And we built
- 00:28:15.170 --> 00:28:16.270
- rebuilding on that.
- 00:28:16.270 --> 00:28:18.060
- The Bible says, "When they asked
- 00:28:18.060 --> 00:28:19.250
- him, they asked Jesus, you know,
- 00:28:19.250 --> 00:28:21.150
- 'Do you allow divorce
- 00:28:21.150 --> 00:28:23.240
- like Moses did?
- 00:28:23.240 --> 00:28:24.230
- Do you believe and--in that?'
- 00:28:24.230 --> 00:28:26.280
- And he said, 'Moses allowed
- 00:28:26.280 --> 00:28:29.070
- divorces because of the hardness
- 00:28:29.070 --> 00:28:31.210
- of the heart.'"
- 00:28:31.210 --> 00:28:32.260
- So now we were given
- 00:28:32.260 --> 00:28:33.230
- our instructions.
- 00:28:33.230 --> 00:28:34.280
- We needed to figure out
- 00:28:34.280 --> 00:28:35.260
- where the hardness of our heart
- 00:28:35.260 --> 00:28:37.110
- had come in for that affair
- 00:28:37.110 --> 00:28:39.210
- to even happen.
- 00:28:39.210 --> 00:28:41.050
- - John: Hmm, that's welcome.
- 00:28:41.050 --> 00:28:42.140
- So the whole trust thing,
- 00:28:42.140 --> 00:28:44.220
- you turned it around.
- 00:28:44.220 --> 00:28:46.090
- So what do you call it now?
- 00:28:46.090 --> 00:28:47.110
- Like, how do you help people
- 00:28:47.110 --> 00:28:48.110
- that go through that?
- 00:28:48.110 --> 00:28:49.060
- Do you ever use the word
- 00:28:49.060 --> 00:28:50.090
- "trust" or?
- 00:28:50.090 --> 00:28:51.100
- - Tina: No, no, I don't.
- 00:28:51.100 --> 00:28:53.060
- Because trust brings
- 00:28:53.060 --> 00:28:55.010
- expectation.
- 00:28:55.010 --> 00:28:56.020
- That means I'm expecting
- 00:28:56.020 --> 00:28:57.060
- something from you.
- 00:28:57.060 --> 00:28:58.100
- And that's not just in marriage.
- 00:28:58.100 --> 00:28:59.180
- That's in any relationship.
- 00:28:59.180 --> 00:29:01.130
- And the minute I put
- 00:29:01.130 --> 00:29:02.150
- expectations on someone,
- 00:29:02.150 --> 00:29:04.150
- then I'm setting myself up
- 00:29:04.150 --> 00:29:06.240
- for failure and setting them up
- 00:29:06.240 --> 00:29:08.010
- for failure.
- 00:29:08.010 --> 00:29:08.290
- So the new word that we use
- 00:29:08.290 --> 00:29:11.040
- and what we help people use,
- 00:29:11.040 --> 00:29:12.090
- first of all, it's softer,
- 00:29:12.090 --> 00:29:13.210
- and it can't be broken,
- 00:29:13.210 --> 00:29:15.100
- is we create safety
- 00:29:15.100 --> 00:29:16.210
- in a relationship.
- 00:29:16.210 --> 00:29:17.210
- So what does safety look like?
- 00:29:17.210 --> 00:29:19.180
- You know, for me, safety looked
- 00:29:19.180 --> 00:29:21.220
- like there were no more secrets,
- 00:29:21.220 --> 00:29:24.200
- you know?
- 00:29:24.200 --> 00:29:25.060
- How were we gonna rebuild
- 00:29:25.060 --> 00:29:26.240
- without secrets?
- 00:29:26.240 --> 00:29:28.000
- You know, how does this become
- 00:29:28.000 --> 00:29:29.220
- an open marriage?
- 00:29:29.220 --> 00:29:30.230
- And for my husband,
- 00:29:30.230 --> 00:29:31.180
- it was awesome because he got
- 00:29:31.180 --> 00:29:34.000
- to the point where he
- 00:29:34.000 --> 00:29:35.140
- was helping men in rebuilding
- 00:29:37.210 --> 00:29:40.210
- what their safety
- 00:29:40.210 --> 00:29:41.270
- in their relationships was.
- 00:29:41.270 --> 00:29:43.120
- And one of his biggest rules
- 00:29:43.120 --> 00:29:44.290
- for safety was if somebody gives
- 00:29:44.290 --> 00:29:46.250
- you a compliment and it
- 00:29:46.250 --> 00:29:48.020
- feels good, it's already wrong.
- 00:29:48.020 --> 00:29:50.100
- You've already broken safety.
- 00:29:50.100 --> 00:29:51.290
- You're not safe, right?
- 00:29:51.290 --> 00:29:53.240
- So get out
- 00:29:53.240 --> 00:29:54.160
- 'cause you're not safe.
- 00:29:54.160 --> 00:29:55.160
- And you know, the Bible says,
- 00:29:55.160 --> 00:29:56.160
- "Flee," right?
- 00:29:56.160 --> 00:29:57.180
- And he says, "Unfortunately,
- 00:29:57.180 --> 00:29:59.060
- when you get into the trance,"
- 00:29:59.060 --> 00:30:00.200
- like Pastor Helen had told me,
- 00:30:00.200 --> 00:30:02.170
- "the fleeing part's done."
- 00:30:02.170 --> 00:30:04.070
- That's why, for him, to be safe
- 00:30:04.070 --> 00:30:06.220
- was, you know,
- 00:30:06.220 --> 00:30:08.010
- in our line of work,
- 00:30:08.010 --> 00:30:09.080
- as you both know,
- 00:30:09.080 --> 00:30:10.070
- you're in the same line of work,
- 00:30:10.070 --> 00:30:11.120
- compliments are a dime a dozen.
- 00:30:11.120 --> 00:30:13.090
- Flattery gets you every time.
- 00:30:13.090 --> 00:30:15.180
- And he'd say,
- 00:30:15.180 --> 00:30:16.210
- "If it feels good, run.
- 00:30:16.210 --> 00:30:18.190
- It's already wrong.
- 00:30:18.190 --> 00:30:19.210
- You've already crossed
- 00:30:19.210 --> 00:30:20.170
- the line."
- 00:30:20.170 --> 00:30:21.120
- So that's the kind of things we
- 00:30:21.120 --> 00:30:23.010
- started recognizing.
- 00:30:23.010 --> 00:30:24.050
- What made us fall, you know?
- 00:30:24.050 --> 00:30:27.050
- And I say "we" because he
- 00:30:27.050 --> 00:30:28.170
- didn't fall alone.
- 00:30:28.170 --> 00:30:29.200
- We fell together.
- 00:30:29.200 --> 00:30:30.210
- - John: Okay, explain that
- 00:30:30.210 --> 00:30:31.120
- to me.
- 00:30:31.120 --> 00:30:31.280
- It's already wrong.
- 00:30:31.280 --> 00:30:33.180
- - Tina: It's already wrong.
- 00:30:33.180 --> 00:30:34.170
- - John: Now, you gotta explain
- 00:30:34.170 --> 00:30:35.060
- that a little bit farther.
- 00:30:35.060 --> 00:30:35.260
- - Tina: Okay, well, safety
- 00:30:35.260 --> 00:30:37.020
- means that if a woman
- 00:30:37.020 --> 00:30:38.230
- were to give you a compliment
- 00:30:38.230 --> 00:30:40.020
- and just say, "Pastor John,
- 00:30:40.020 --> 00:30:41.070
- that message today was
- 00:30:41.070 --> 00:30:43.050
- so incredible.
- 00:30:43.050 --> 00:30:44.080
- It was just, like, so for me."
- 00:30:44.080 --> 00:30:46.040
- And it's a beautiful woman,
- 00:30:46.040 --> 00:30:47.010
- and she's standing there.
- 00:30:47.010 --> 00:30:48.060
- Well, that's about the message,
- 00:30:48.060 --> 00:30:50.000
- so you can spiritualize that.
- 00:30:50.000 --> 00:30:51.120
- But what if somebody comes up
- 00:30:51.120 --> 00:30:53.000
- again, a woman comes up
- 00:30:53.000 --> 00:30:54.160
- and says, "Wow,
- 00:30:54.160 --> 00:30:56.150
- you really look good today.
- 00:30:56.150 --> 00:30:58.130
- I mean, just that shirt,
- 00:30:58.130 --> 00:31:00.280
- and how you've matched it
- 00:31:00.280 --> 00:31:01.280
- with--and there's not a wrinkle
- 00:31:01.280 --> 00:31:03.000
- in it.
- 00:31:03.000 --> 00:31:03.200
- I mean, you just--"
- 00:31:03.200 --> 00:31:04.210
- - John: That's because I have
- 00:31:04.210 --> 00:31:05.100
- someone helping me here.
- 00:31:05.100 --> 00:31:06.090
- - Tina: I know, exactly.
- 00:31:06.090 --> 00:31:07.120
- That's why I brought that in.
- 00:31:07.120 --> 00:31:08.160
- I heard that back there.
- 00:31:08.160 --> 00:31:10.200
- But if that feels good
- 00:31:10.200 --> 00:31:12.070
- on a man level, and it's
- 00:31:12.070 --> 00:31:13.190
- the same for a woman, you know?
- 00:31:13.190 --> 00:31:15.090
- Somebody comes up and tells you
- 00:31:15.090 --> 00:31:17.050
- how beautiful you look.
- 00:31:17.050 --> 00:31:18.130
- You know, and I'm sorry,
- 00:31:18.130 --> 00:31:19.150
- but in marriage,
- 00:31:19.150 --> 00:31:20.150
- it doesn't happen every day.
- 00:31:20.150 --> 00:31:21.200
- And you don't look your best
- 00:31:21.200 --> 00:31:23.100
- every hour of the day.
- 00:31:23.100 --> 00:31:24.200
- And that,
- 00:31:24.200 --> 00:31:25.090
- "You look beautiful, honey,"
- 00:31:25.090 --> 00:31:26.150
- sometimes doesn't happen
- 00:31:26.150 --> 00:31:27.210
- quite as often.
- 00:31:27.210 --> 00:31:28.230
- But you know, out there,
- 00:31:28.230 --> 00:31:30.210
- the enemy knows how to use
- 00:31:30.210 --> 00:31:32.040
- those words, and they sound
- 00:31:32.040 --> 00:31:33.240
- like words of life.
- 00:31:33.240 --> 00:31:35.100
- But instead, they're
- 00:31:35.100 --> 00:31:36.100
- really words that, you know,
- 00:31:36.100 --> 00:31:37.260
- are there to entrap you.
- 00:31:37.260 --> 00:31:39.270
- And they're words of death.
- 00:31:39.270 --> 00:31:42.000
- - Helen: Such great wisdom.
- 00:31:42.000 --> 00:31:43.030
- A lot of it learnt
- 00:31:43.030 --> 00:31:44.060
- really the hard way.
- 00:31:44.060 --> 00:31:46.030
- And I've watched you
- 00:31:46.030 --> 00:31:47.120
- and your beautiful family,
- 00:31:47.120 --> 00:31:49.070
- and it's an amazing story to see
- 00:31:49.070 --> 00:31:50.210
- you and Ron.
- 00:31:50.210 --> 00:31:51.130
- I know Ron's in heaven today,
- 00:31:51.130 --> 00:31:53.160
- and cheering you on,
- 00:31:53.160 --> 00:31:55.190
- and your beautiful family.
- 00:31:55.190 --> 00:31:56.270
- But I look at because you
- 00:31:56.270 --> 00:31:58.180
- were willing to do the hard work
- 00:31:58.180 --> 00:32:00.100
- that you have so much
- 00:32:00.100 --> 00:32:01.070
- to celebrate today.
- 00:32:01.070 --> 00:32:02.190
- You're an amazing woman,
- 00:32:02.190 --> 00:32:03.150
- an amazing leader.
- 00:32:03.150 --> 00:32:04.130
- - Tina: Thank you.
- 00:32:04.130 --> 00:32:05.000
- And that feels good.
- 00:32:05.000 --> 00:32:05.250
- See, that's okay to feel good.
- 00:32:05.250 --> 00:32:08.090
- - Niyah: But tell us why.
- 00:32:08.090 --> 00:32:09.250
- Why stay when you had an out?
- 00:32:09.250 --> 00:32:12.070
- - Tina: Because I recognized it
- 00:32:12.070 --> 00:32:13.270
- as--well, so let me back up
- 00:32:13.270 --> 00:32:16.260
- just a little bit.
- 00:32:16.260 --> 00:32:18.050
- Before I decided to stay,
- 00:32:18.050 --> 00:32:19.260
- I had visited with Pastor Helen.
- 00:32:20.020 --> 00:32:23.020
- She didn't even go to church
- 00:32:23.020 --> 00:32:24.020
- that night.
- 00:32:24.020 --> 00:32:24.170
- It was a Sunday night
- 00:32:24.170 --> 00:32:25.110
- when it all came out.
- 00:32:25.110 --> 00:32:26.240
- And she stayed with me.
- 00:32:26.240 --> 00:32:28.130
- She stayed home.
- 00:32:28.130 --> 00:32:29.140
- And that night when I went
- 00:32:29.140 --> 00:32:31.160
- to bed and she explained
- 00:32:31.160 --> 00:32:32.250
- to me about the trance,
- 00:32:32.250 --> 00:32:34.150
- I didn't sleep a wink.
- 00:32:34.150 --> 00:32:36.020
- And I took her advice.
- 00:32:36.020 --> 00:32:37.180
- My husband at the time
- 00:32:37.180 --> 00:32:38.200
- was visiting his father
- 00:32:38.200 --> 00:32:41.160
- a few hours away.
- 00:32:41.160 --> 00:32:42.220
- And so I was alone
- 00:32:42.220 --> 00:32:44.150
- and I got out of bed.
- 00:32:44.150 --> 00:32:45.200
- And I went into the bathroom
- 00:32:45.200 --> 00:32:47.000
- first thing in the morning.
- 00:32:47.000 --> 00:32:47.260
- I had a flight to catch
- 00:32:47.260 --> 00:32:48.270
- because she had told me
- 00:32:48.270 --> 00:32:49.260
- to get out of there and get
- 00:32:49.260 --> 00:32:50.290
- in front of my husband's face.
- 00:32:50.290 --> 00:32:52.240
- And so I stood there in front
- 00:32:52.240 --> 00:32:55.140
- of that bathroom mirror.
- 00:32:55.140 --> 00:32:58.000
- And as I looked, and my face was
- 00:32:58.000 --> 00:33:00.170
- swollen, I mean, I was a mess,
- 00:33:01.100 --> 00:33:04.100
- I heard God speak so clearly.
- 00:33:04.130 --> 00:33:07.130
- And for the first time I looked
- 00:33:07.130 --> 00:33:08.210
- at God and I said,
- 00:33:08.210 --> 00:33:10.050
- "Did you miss what part of this
- 00:33:10.050 --> 00:33:11.200
- I'm the victim?" you know?
- 00:33:11.200 --> 00:33:14.010
- Because the words that I heard
- 00:33:14.010 --> 00:33:15.180
- speaking back to me
- 00:33:15.180 --> 00:33:16.230
- from the mirror was,
- 00:33:16.230 --> 00:33:18.180
- "Don't you dare.
- 00:33:18.180 --> 00:33:20.020
- Don't you dare go up there
- 00:33:20.020 --> 00:33:22.090
- and confront him
- 00:33:22.090 --> 00:33:23.040
- with what he's done."
- 00:33:23.040 --> 00:33:25.060
- And I said, "Well, why am I
- 00:33:25.060 --> 00:33:26.170
- going up there then?
- 00:33:26.170 --> 00:33:27.210
- You know, I wanna know
- 00:33:27.210 --> 00:33:28.170
- how could this have happened?"
- 00:33:28.170 --> 00:33:31.070
- "But instead,
- 00:33:31.070 --> 00:33:31.230
- ask yourself the question,"
- 00:33:31.230 --> 00:33:33.050
- these are the words God said.
- 00:33:33.050 --> 00:33:34.230
- "Ask yourself the question,
- 00:33:34.230 --> 00:33:37.030
- 'What part did you play
- 00:33:37.030 --> 00:33:38.180
- in this?'"
- 00:33:38.180 --> 00:33:39.210
- And that hit so hard
- 00:33:39.210 --> 00:33:42.010
- 'cause all I wanted to do was
- 00:33:42.010 --> 00:33:43.050
- the whole world to feel sorry
- 00:33:43.050 --> 00:33:44.060
- for me.
- 00:33:44.060 --> 00:33:44.260
- Helen had held me
- 00:33:44.260 --> 00:33:45.250
- the night before.
- 00:33:45.250 --> 00:33:46.290
- And you know, considered me
- 00:33:46.290 --> 00:33:49.010
- as a friend and held me
- 00:33:49.010 --> 00:33:50.260
- as a pastor.
- 00:33:50.260 --> 00:33:51.270
- And I wanted to stay
- 00:33:51.270 --> 00:33:53.090
- in that mode.
- 00:33:53.090 --> 00:33:54.110
- And how could I, how could God
- 00:33:54.110 --> 00:33:55.270
- let somethin' like this happen?
- 00:33:55.270 --> 00:33:57.150
- So I was not only gonna blame
- 00:33:57.150 --> 00:33:58.220
- Ron, I was gonna blame God too.
- 00:33:58.220 --> 00:34:01.090
- And I was truly the victim.
- 00:34:01.120 --> 00:34:04.120
- But instead, that changed
- 00:34:04.120 --> 00:34:06.010
- everything for me.
- 00:34:06.010 --> 00:34:07.160
- When I was able to say that--
- 00:34:07.160 --> 00:34:10.010
- - Niyah: Oh my goodness.
- 00:34:10.010 --> 00:34:10.250
- The story goes so much deeper.
- 00:34:10.250 --> 00:34:12.060
- And but thank you so, so much
- 00:34:12.060 --> 00:34:13.290
- for just joining us and being
- 00:34:13.290 --> 00:34:15.060
- so transparent, and just sharing
- 00:34:15.060 --> 00:34:17.250
- your story, your life with us.
- 00:34:17.250 --> 00:34:19.090
- - Tina: Thank you.
- 00:34:19.090 --> 00:34:20.020
- - Niyah: Amen, amen.
- 00:34:20.020 --> 00:34:20.250
- After the break, more to discuss
- 00:34:20.250 --> 00:34:22.210
- on the topics of sex, love,
- 00:34:22.210 --> 00:34:24.060
- and relationships.
- 00:34:24.060 --> 00:34:25.080
- - Niyah: Welcome back
- 00:34:36.100 --> 00:34:36.260
- to the show.
- 00:34:36.260 --> 00:34:37.150
- And welcome
- 00:34:37.150 --> 00:34:38.000
- to our studio audience,
- 00:34:38.000 --> 00:34:39.080
- who have some great questions
- 00:34:39.080 --> 00:34:40.220
- for John and Helen on the topics
- 00:34:40.220 --> 00:34:42.180
- of sex, love, and relationships.
- 00:34:42.180 --> 00:34:44.120
- John and Helen, welcome.
- 00:34:44.120 --> 00:34:45.280
- - Helen: Good to be with you
- 00:34:45.280 --> 00:34:46.260
- today.
- 00:34:46.260 --> 00:34:47.140
- - John: I'm lookin' forward
- 00:34:47.140 --> 00:34:48.010
- to this.
- 00:34:48.010 --> 00:34:48.150
- - Niyah: C'mon, you guys are
- 00:34:48.150 --> 00:34:49.030
- in the hot seats.
- 00:34:49.030 --> 00:34:49.220
- - Helen: Yep, he is.
- 00:34:49.220 --> 00:34:51.060
- - male: Hi, I'd like to know
- 00:34:51.060 --> 00:34:53.020
- your advice on keeping
- 00:34:53.020 --> 00:34:54.090
- the affection alive
- 00:34:54.090 --> 00:34:55.140
- in a marriage,
- 00:34:55.140 --> 00:34:56.240
- especially when you've got
- 00:34:56.240 --> 00:34:57.190
- young children, and work-wise
- 00:34:57.190 --> 00:34:59.280
- you're very, very busy.
- 00:34:59.280 --> 00:35:01.050
- - Niyah: Wow, good question.
- 00:35:01.050 --> 00:35:01.280
- - John: Yeah, it is
- 00:35:01.280 --> 00:35:02.130
- a great question.
- 00:35:02.130 --> 00:35:03.080
- And I think a lot of people
- 00:35:03.080 --> 00:35:05.110
- go through that.
- 00:35:05.110 --> 00:35:05.290
- And I know that we have.
- 00:35:05.290 --> 00:35:07.050
- We've dealt with that.
- 00:35:07.050 --> 00:35:08.140
- - Helen: Multiple times.
- 00:35:08.140 --> 00:35:09.130
- - John: Yeah, kids,
- 00:35:09.130 --> 00:35:11.070
- and ministry, and travel,
- 00:35:11.070 --> 00:35:12.200
- and how do you keep
- 00:35:12.200 --> 00:35:14.000
- this relationship, alive?
- 00:35:16.280 --> 00:35:18.140
- And the answer, to me,
- 00:35:18.140 --> 00:35:19.240
- is you've gotta plan it.
- 00:35:19.240 --> 00:35:21.050
- You know, and planning is
- 00:35:21.050 --> 00:35:22.080
- so important.
- 00:35:22.080 --> 00:35:23.080
- A lot of people, they want to.
- 00:35:23.080 --> 00:35:25.000
- But want-tos that don't have
- 00:35:25.000 --> 00:35:26.090
- plans behind it end up
- 00:35:26.090 --> 00:35:28.040
- actually hurting you more
- 00:35:28.040 --> 00:35:29.130
- than anything 'cause you
- 00:35:29.130 --> 00:35:30.070
- just get disappointed.
- 00:35:30.070 --> 00:35:31.130
- So we learnt that we had to get
- 00:35:31.130 --> 00:35:33.210
- a calendar.
- 00:35:33.210 --> 00:35:34.170
- And on the calendar we had
- 00:35:34.170 --> 00:35:35.210
- to schedule intimate time,
- 00:35:35.210 --> 00:35:38.090
- which meant, you know,
- 00:35:38.090 --> 00:35:39.120
- time that we actually spend
- 00:35:39.120 --> 00:35:40.150
- with each other,
- 00:35:40.150 --> 00:35:41.030
- not talkin' about the kids.
- 00:35:41.030 --> 00:35:42.140
- Not talkin' about, you know,
- 00:35:42.140 --> 00:35:43.290
- the ministry, the church,
- 00:35:43.290 --> 00:35:45.010
- all that stuff.
- 00:35:45.010 --> 00:35:45.290
- But just, "How are you doing?
- 00:35:45.290 --> 00:35:47.210
- You know, how are you doing?"
- 00:35:47.210 --> 00:35:49.090
- And out of that comes
- 00:35:49.090 --> 00:35:51.060
- great intimacy.
- 00:35:51.060 --> 00:35:52.070
- A lot of times people even ask
- 00:35:52.070 --> 00:35:54.260
- things like, "How do you keep
- 00:35:54.260 --> 00:35:56.020
- the sexual relationship
- 00:35:56.020 --> 00:35:57.000
- in marriage, you know, alive?
- 00:35:57.000 --> 00:35:59.010
- And how do you keep it,
- 00:35:59.010 --> 00:36:00.260
- you know, really exciting?"
- 00:36:00.260 --> 00:36:03.050
- And it's not all the crazy stuff
- 00:36:03.050 --> 00:36:05.290
- that sometimes our world
- 00:36:05.290 --> 00:36:07.050
- will teach you.
- 00:36:07.050 --> 00:36:08.030
- It's recognizing that sex is
- 00:36:08.030 --> 00:36:10.010
- the celebration of love.
- 00:36:10.010 --> 00:36:11.190
- And if you keep love alive,
- 00:36:11.190 --> 00:36:13.240
- that will be there,
- 00:36:13.240 --> 00:36:14.270
- and that will be exciting.
- 00:36:14.270 --> 00:36:16.120
- And so, putting that time
- 00:36:16.120 --> 00:36:18.200
- on the calendar that you
- 00:36:18.200 --> 00:36:19.190
- actually plug into each other,
- 00:36:19.190 --> 00:36:21.240
- connect with each other,
- 00:36:21.240 --> 00:36:23.040
- find out what's going on
- 00:36:23.040 --> 00:36:24.030
- in each other's life,
- 00:36:24.030 --> 00:36:25.100
- really does overflow
- 00:36:25.100 --> 00:36:27.020
- into everything else.
- 00:36:27.020 --> 00:36:28.060
- But also, I think
- 00:36:28.060 --> 00:36:29.190
- the sexual relationship
- 00:36:29.190 --> 00:36:30.210
- is really important.
- 00:36:30.210 --> 00:36:32.040
- And a lot of times,
- 00:36:32.040 --> 00:36:33.270
- in a marriage, either the wife
- 00:36:33.270 --> 00:36:35.160
- or the husband kinda feel
- 00:36:35.160 --> 00:36:37.110
- like it's not workin'.
- 00:36:37.110 --> 00:36:39.250
- You know, one might want more.
- 00:36:39.250 --> 00:36:42.120
- One might want less.
- 00:36:42.120 --> 00:36:43.220
- And so you have to come together
- 00:36:43.220 --> 00:36:45.230
- and not when you're
- 00:36:46.160 --> 00:36:49.160
- kind of upset with each other,
- 00:36:49.160 --> 00:36:50.280
- but when everything's
- 00:36:50.280 --> 00:36:51.190
- going well.
- 00:36:51.190 --> 00:36:52.160
- Talk about it.
- 00:36:52.160 --> 00:36:53.210
- What would be the best?
- 00:36:53.210 --> 00:36:55.130
- You know, what would
- 00:36:55.130 --> 00:36:56.190
- really minister to you
- 00:36:56.190 --> 00:36:58.150
- as far as fulfill you?
- 00:36:58.150 --> 00:37:00.140
- And the two of you come up with,
- 00:37:00.140 --> 00:37:02.240
- you know, what that is
- 00:37:02.240 --> 00:37:03.200
- answer-wise.
- 00:37:03.200 --> 00:37:04.250
- And then don't leave it up
- 00:37:04.250 --> 00:37:06.020
- to one.
- 00:37:06.020 --> 00:37:07.020
- You know, often, you know, we
- 00:37:07.020 --> 00:37:09.070
- think the guy is supposed to do
- 00:37:09.070 --> 00:37:10.240
- all the pursuing so we
- 00:37:10.240 --> 00:37:12.120
- take that over into marriage.
- 00:37:12.120 --> 00:37:13.230
- And we take that
- 00:37:13.230 --> 00:37:14.120
- into the sexual arena.
- 00:37:14.120 --> 00:37:15.290
- That means he
- 00:37:15.290 --> 00:37:16.200
- has to continually pursue her.
- 00:37:16.200 --> 00:37:18.230
- And if there's a time
- 00:37:18.230 --> 00:37:21.190
- when it's not really workin'
- 00:37:21.190 --> 00:37:22.230
- all that great, it will really
- 00:37:22.230 --> 00:37:25.200
- tear the two of you apart.
- 00:37:25.200 --> 00:37:27.100
- So share the responsibility.
- 00:37:27.100 --> 00:37:29.190
- So, you know, how often,
- 00:37:29.190 --> 00:37:31.200
- and share the responsibility.
- 00:37:31.200 --> 00:37:33.100
- Mark it on the calendar.
- 00:37:33.100 --> 00:37:34.230
- Make sure
- 00:37:34.230 --> 00:37:35.230
- that your main objective
- 00:37:35.230 --> 00:37:37.220
- on the calendar is that you
- 00:37:37.220 --> 00:37:39.130
- connect, that you
- 00:37:39.130 --> 00:37:40.190
- get to know each other.
- 00:37:40.190 --> 00:37:41.190
- Because, like, we've been
- 00:37:41.190 --> 00:37:42.110
- married for 42 years, and she's
- 00:37:42.110 --> 00:37:44.220
- a moving target, you know?
- 00:37:44.220 --> 00:37:47.030
- I thought I knew her,
- 00:37:47.030 --> 00:37:48.050
- but she keeps changing.
- 00:37:48.050 --> 00:37:49.160
- And I think women do that
- 00:37:49.160 --> 00:37:51.050
- on purpose 'cause they
- 00:37:51.050 --> 00:37:53.060
- wanna give you a goal, a target,
- 00:37:53.060 --> 00:37:55.050
- you have to keep on pursuing.
- 00:37:55.050 --> 00:37:56.140
- They wanna be pursued.
- 00:37:56.140 --> 00:37:57.090
- - Niyah: C'mon.
- 00:37:57.090 --> 00:37:58.010
- - John: They wanna be pursued.
- 00:37:58.010 --> 00:37:59.060
- But the pursuing
- 00:37:59.060 --> 00:38:00.070
- isn't to get her into bed.
- 00:38:00.070 --> 00:38:01.170
- The pursuing is to get to know
- 00:38:01.170 --> 00:38:03.110
- who she is.
- 00:38:03.110 --> 00:38:04.100
- And when that happens,
- 00:38:04.100 --> 00:38:05.130
- I think everything else follows.
- 00:38:05.130 --> 00:38:08.130
- - female: Hi, as a parent,
- 00:38:08.130 --> 00:38:10.160
- when dealing with a teenager
- 00:38:10.160 --> 00:38:12.110
- who is going through
- 00:38:12.110 --> 00:38:13.060
- some really hard times,
- 00:38:13.060 --> 00:38:16.060
- mental health issues,
- 00:38:16.060 --> 00:38:18.230
- depression, how do you deal
- 00:38:18.230 --> 00:38:21.220
- with that, with them trying
- 00:38:21.220 --> 00:38:22.290
- to take their lives away?
- 00:38:22.290 --> 00:38:24.150
- How do you deal with that
- 00:38:24.150 --> 00:38:26.080
- as a parent?
- 00:38:26.080 --> 00:38:27.260
- - John: Wow.
- 00:38:27.260 --> 00:38:28.110
- I don't think there is
- 00:38:28.110 --> 00:38:29.170
- any easy way
- 00:38:29.170 --> 00:38:30.130
- to deal with that.
- 00:38:30.130 --> 00:38:31.150
- I mean, to come up
- 00:38:31.150 --> 00:38:33.120
- with a trite answer
- 00:38:33.120 --> 00:38:34.210
- would almost feel like, "Wow,"
- 00:38:34.210 --> 00:38:37.070
- you can't do that.
- 00:38:37.070 --> 00:38:38.120
- So right off the bat
- 00:38:38.120 --> 00:38:40.060
- I'd just say there's
- 00:38:40.060 --> 00:38:40.230
- no easy answer to that.
- 00:38:40.230 --> 00:38:42.130
- But I think, in general,
- 00:38:42.130 --> 00:38:44.140
- what we always are trying to do
- 00:38:44.140 --> 00:38:45.190
- as parents is transition
- 00:38:45.190 --> 00:38:47.030
- from being policemen
- 00:38:47.030 --> 00:38:50.000
- to being coach to being friend.
- 00:38:50.110 --> 00:38:53.110
- And what they need at that stage
- 00:38:53.110 --> 00:38:55.090
- in their life is typically
- 00:38:55.090 --> 00:38:57.220
- the friend.
- 00:38:57.220 --> 00:38:58.130
- They need you as a parent,
- 00:38:58.130 --> 00:39:00.030
- but they don't need you telling
- 00:39:00.030 --> 00:39:01.240
- them what they're doing wrong,
- 00:39:01.240 --> 00:39:03.060
- and telling 'em
- 00:39:03.060 --> 00:39:03.230
- what they're doing,
- 00:39:03.230 --> 00:39:04.090
- you know, what they need to do.
- 00:39:04.090 --> 00:39:06.030
- But that you need to transition
- 00:39:06.030 --> 00:39:07.210
- to that place.
- 00:39:07.210 --> 00:39:08.290
- And what we found is, again,
- 00:39:10.070 --> 00:39:13.070
- going back to scheduling.
- 00:39:13.070 --> 00:39:14.150
- We would schedule, I'd take
- 00:39:14.150 --> 00:39:16.130
- my daughters on dates.
- 00:39:16.130 --> 00:39:17.220
- But the purpose of a date was
- 00:39:17.230 --> 00:39:20.230
- to be their friend.
- 00:39:20.230 --> 00:39:21.200
- The purpose of a date was to get
- 00:39:21.200 --> 00:39:23.120
- in their world.
- 00:39:23.120 --> 00:39:24.180
- The purpose of their date was
- 00:39:24.180 --> 00:39:25.210
- to understand what's happening
- 00:39:25.210 --> 00:39:27.090
- in their lives
- 00:39:27.090 --> 00:39:28.030
- so that if something was open,
- 00:39:28.030 --> 00:39:30.130
- the key to parenting
- 00:39:30.130 --> 00:39:32.030
- is that if there's a problem,
- 00:39:32.030 --> 00:39:33.180
- they're gonna come to you.
- 00:39:33.180 --> 00:39:34.250
- If they don't come to you,
- 00:39:34.250 --> 00:39:36.090
- and if they go
- 00:39:36.090 --> 00:39:36.240
- to all their friends,
- 00:39:36.240 --> 00:39:37.150
- you have no voice
- 00:39:37.150 --> 00:39:40.150
- in their lives, so.
- 00:39:40.150 --> 00:39:41.240
- - Helen: But as a parent,
- 00:39:41.240 --> 00:39:42.260
- dealing with things
- 00:39:42.260 --> 00:39:43.190
- one of our daughters
- 00:39:46.010 --> 00:39:46.240
- went through anorexia.
- 00:39:46.240 --> 00:39:48.060
- It was devastating.
- 00:39:48.060 --> 00:39:49.160
- And we had to get more help.
- 00:39:49.220 --> 00:39:52.220
- There was help available.
- 00:39:52.220 --> 00:39:54.080
- And I think that's where we
- 00:39:54.080 --> 00:39:55.280
- reached out to people
- 00:39:55.280 --> 00:39:57.020
- that were experts in this area
- 00:39:57.020 --> 00:39:58.220
- that could come alongside of us.
- 00:39:58.220 --> 00:40:00.140
- I think sometimes
- 00:40:00.140 --> 00:40:01.040
- even in the Christian world
- 00:40:01.040 --> 00:40:02.040
- we're like, "We don't want
- 00:40:02.040 --> 00:40:02.280
- anybody to know this
- 00:40:02.280 --> 00:40:04.020
- is going on," whether our child
- 00:40:04.020 --> 00:40:05.190
- is having suicidal thoughts,
- 00:40:05.190 --> 00:40:07.130
- or if they're going through
- 00:40:07.130 --> 00:40:08.190
- an eating disorder.
- 00:40:08.190 --> 00:40:09.190
- I believe
- 00:40:09.190 --> 00:40:10.040
- in the larger community.
- 00:40:10.040 --> 00:40:11.100
- And there's tremendous help
- 00:40:11.100 --> 00:40:12.120
- available.
- 00:40:12.120 --> 00:40:13.030
- No one's ever alone.
- 00:40:13.030 --> 00:40:14.230
- There's always help available.
- 00:40:14.230 --> 00:40:16.080
- So I think with that is taking
- 00:40:16.080 --> 00:40:18.090
- the shame and the cover off.
- 00:40:18.090 --> 00:40:20.260
- It is exactly like John said.
- 00:40:20.260 --> 00:40:22.110
- You come alongside your child
- 00:40:22.110 --> 00:40:23.140
- and say, "I'm on your team.
- 00:40:23.140 --> 00:40:25.090
- I am on your team.
- 00:40:25.090 --> 00:40:26.070
- We're gonna do this together.
- 00:40:26.070 --> 00:40:27.110
- You're not alone.
- 00:40:27.110 --> 00:40:28.060
- Nothing you could ever do would
- 00:40:28.060 --> 00:40:29.100
- make me love you less or more.
- 00:40:29.100 --> 00:40:31.010
- I'm here for you, but we're
- 00:40:31.010 --> 00:40:32.110
- gonna get the help needed,
- 00:40:32.110 --> 00:40:33.220
- whether it's a doctor,
- 00:40:33.220 --> 00:40:34.180
- whether it's a therapist,
- 00:40:34.180 --> 00:40:35.160
- a counselor, church community,
- 00:40:35.160 --> 00:40:37.170
- whatever it is.
- 00:40:37.170 --> 00:40:38.090
- But we're gonna do this
- 00:40:38.090 --> 00:40:38.250
- together."
- 00:40:38.250 --> 00:40:39.100
- And when your child's
- 00:40:39.100 --> 00:40:40.090
- going through that,
- 00:40:40.090 --> 00:40:41.080
- you need it as a parent
- 00:40:41.080 --> 00:40:42.210
- as much as they need help.
- 00:40:42.210 --> 00:40:44.050
- And that's one of the things
- 00:40:44.050 --> 00:40:44.290
- that I needed to learn
- 00:40:44.290 --> 00:40:45.290
- as a pastor.
- 00:40:45.290 --> 00:40:46.280
- It was hard for me to realize
- 00:40:46.280 --> 00:40:49.200
- that, "I'm not perfect.
- 00:40:49.200 --> 00:40:51.060
- My child
- 00:40:51.060 --> 00:40:51.250
- is going through stuff."
- 00:40:51.250 --> 00:40:52.220
- And it happened,
- 00:40:52.220 --> 00:40:53.150
- and I couldn't believe
- 00:40:53.150 --> 00:40:54.080
- this happened to us, but it did.
- 00:40:54.080 --> 00:40:56.010
- And that's where I'm
- 00:40:56.010 --> 00:40:56.280
- so thankful.
- 00:40:56.280 --> 00:40:57.190
- I didn't find shame from anyone.
- 00:40:57.190 --> 00:40:59.070
- I didn't find judgment
- 00:40:59.070 --> 00:41:00.040
- from anyone.
- 00:41:00.040 --> 00:41:00.250
- I found people coming
- 00:41:00.250 --> 00:41:02.040
- alongside us and helping us
- 00:41:02.040 --> 00:41:03.110
- carry this through.
- 00:41:03.110 --> 00:41:04.120
- 'Cause every parent will need
- 00:41:04.120 --> 00:41:05.150
- as much help as their child
- 00:41:05.150 --> 00:41:06.200
- during that.
- 00:41:06.200 --> 00:41:09.010
- - female: My question is
- 00:41:09.010 --> 00:41:10.000
- how does one build
- 00:41:10.000 --> 00:41:11.050
- a trusting relationship
- 00:41:11.050 --> 00:41:12.170
- when the other person
- 00:41:12.170 --> 00:41:13.230
- in the relationship comes
- 00:41:13.230 --> 00:41:14.170
- from a lot of brokenness?
- 00:41:14.170 --> 00:41:16.150
- - Helen: That's another one
- 00:41:16.150 --> 00:41:17.080
- of those loaded questions.
- 00:41:17.080 --> 00:41:18.230
- Because trust would be, to me,
- 00:41:18.230 --> 00:41:20.160
- one of the essential absolutes
- 00:41:20.160 --> 00:41:22.280
- in every single relationship.
- 00:41:22.280 --> 00:41:24.210
- And when there has been
- 00:41:24.210 --> 00:41:26.050
- brokenness, what we have to do
- 00:41:26.050 --> 00:41:28.200
- is not put more shame on them
- 00:41:28.200 --> 00:41:30.200
- and say, "I can't trust you
- 00:41:30.200 --> 00:41:31.190
- because this happened,
- 00:41:31.190 --> 00:41:32.170
- this happened, this happened."
- 00:41:32.170 --> 00:41:33.250
- Because everyone's got a past.
- 00:41:33.250 --> 00:41:35.120
- And some people's is
- 00:41:35.120 --> 00:41:36.040
- a little messier than others.
- 00:41:36.040 --> 00:41:37.240
- We all have stuff.
- 00:41:37.240 --> 00:41:39.080
- And I think what we need to do
- 00:41:39.080 --> 00:41:40.160
- is learn how to come
- 00:41:40.160 --> 00:41:41.130
- alongside people.
- 00:41:41.130 --> 00:41:43.030
- But own the fact that trust is
- 00:41:43.030 --> 00:41:44.290
- an issue for you if this
- 00:41:44.290 --> 00:41:46.070
- has happened.
- 00:41:46.070 --> 00:41:46.220
- Say they've had, like, you know,
- 00:41:46.220 --> 00:41:48.200
- a lot of sexual partners.
- 00:41:48.200 --> 00:41:50.090
- I'm just throwing out
- 00:41:50.090 --> 00:41:51.010
- something like that.
- 00:41:51.010 --> 00:41:52.060
- Or if they've done drugs
- 00:41:52.060 --> 00:41:53.060
- in the past,
- 00:41:53.060 --> 00:41:53.220
- or not handled finances,
- 00:41:53.220 --> 00:41:55.190
- been in prison,
- 00:41:55.190 --> 00:41:56.130
- whatever it might be.
- 00:41:56.130 --> 00:41:57.180
- There has to be honesty,
- 00:41:57.180 --> 00:41:59.090
- first of all.
- 00:41:59.090 --> 00:42:00.060
- They have to feel like they
- 00:42:00.060 --> 00:42:01.040
- can--I would want to know
- 00:42:01.040 --> 00:42:02.060
- everything.
- 00:42:02.060 --> 00:42:03.110
- Not every single detail, but I
- 00:42:03.110 --> 00:42:04.270
- would want to know the facts
- 00:42:04.270 --> 00:42:06.130
- so that I can make a decision
- 00:42:06.130 --> 00:42:08.140
- whether I can handle this
- 00:42:08.140 --> 00:42:10.050
- and move forward
- 00:42:10.050 --> 00:42:11.030
- into the future with them.
- 00:42:11.030 --> 00:42:12.190
- And I always say you can't build
- 00:42:12.190 --> 00:42:14.220
- a future with somebody
- 00:42:14.220 --> 00:42:15.290
- who can't handle your past.
- 00:42:15.290 --> 00:42:17.250
- And if they can't, then it's
- 00:42:17.250 --> 00:42:19.050
- just, you know, "Thank you
- 00:42:19.050 --> 00:42:20.040
- for being an amazing person,
- 00:42:20.040 --> 00:42:21.130
- but I'm gonna pray for you."
- 00:42:21.130 --> 00:42:22.260
- Now, this is obviously someone
- 00:42:22.260 --> 00:42:24.160
- you're dating,
- 00:42:24.160 --> 00:42:25.130
- not someone you're married to.
- 00:42:25.130 --> 00:42:26.180
- That changes it.
- 00:42:26.180 --> 00:42:27.240
- It's a different answer.
- 00:42:27.240 --> 00:42:29.110
- But in a dating relationship
- 00:42:29.110 --> 00:42:30.140
- you have to be sure.
- 00:42:30.140 --> 00:42:31.170
- In a friendship you have to be
- 00:42:31.170 --> 00:42:32.180
- sure that you can handle that.
- 00:42:32.180 --> 00:42:34.170
- And I would release someone
- 00:42:34.170 --> 00:42:35.250
- who couldn't.
- 00:42:35.250 --> 00:42:36.150
- But having said that,
- 00:42:36.150 --> 00:42:37.190
- now we can go forward and say,
- 00:42:37.190 --> 00:42:39.060
- "I want to trust you.
- 00:42:39.060 --> 00:42:40.040
- These--I admit it,
- 00:42:40.040 --> 00:42:41.180
- I feel insecure maybe
- 00:42:41.180 --> 00:42:42.260
- about some of these things,
- 00:42:42.260 --> 00:42:44.010
- but I wanna be on your team.
- 00:42:44.010 --> 00:42:45.180
- I don't wanna be
- 00:42:45.180 --> 00:42:46.100
- your policeperson,
- 00:42:46.100 --> 00:42:47.110
- but I wanna help you."
- 00:42:47.110 --> 00:42:48.280
- And if they're open to that,
- 00:42:48.280 --> 00:42:50.170
- and they can be honest about it,
- 00:42:50.170 --> 00:42:51.260
- then I can think you can move
- 00:42:51.260 --> 00:42:52.240
- forward with little baby steps,
- 00:42:52.240 --> 00:42:55.030
- but you can get there.
- 00:42:55.030 --> 00:42:56.230
- - Niyah: Man, so much godly
- 00:42:56.230 --> 00:42:57.170
- advice and so much godly wisdom.
- 00:42:57.170 --> 00:42:59.080
- Thank you so much for sharing.
- 00:42:59.080 --> 00:43:01.010
- Now, right after the break,
- 00:43:01.010 --> 00:43:02.060
- John and Helen outline
- 00:43:02.060 --> 00:43:03.020
- their final messages
- 00:43:03.020 --> 00:43:04.000
- on the topics
- 00:43:04.000 --> 00:43:04.210
- of rebuilding trust.
- 00:43:04.210 --> 00:43:06.220
- You're not gonna wanna
- 00:43:06.220 --> 00:43:07.110
- miss this.
- 00:43:07.110 --> 00:43:07.280
- - Niyah: Welcome back
- 00:43:20.040 --> 00:43:20.240
- to the show where we cover
- 00:43:20.240 --> 00:43:22.020
- everything surrounding sex,
- 00:43:22.020 --> 00:43:23.200
- love, and relationships.
- 00:43:23.200 --> 00:43:25.270
- Now, I know we've talked
- 00:43:25.270 --> 00:43:27.010
- a lot about love
- 00:43:27.010 --> 00:43:28.030
- and relationships.
- 00:43:28.030 --> 00:43:29.080
- And some of you might be like,
- 00:43:29.080 --> 00:43:30.080
- "Well, what about sex?"
- 00:43:30.080 --> 00:43:31.240
- Oh my goodness, we're gonna talk
- 00:43:31.240 --> 00:43:32.290
- about it today.
- 00:43:32.290 --> 00:43:34.140
- But before we do,
- 00:43:34.140 --> 00:43:35.140
- we couldn't resist asking
- 00:43:35.140 --> 00:43:36.190
- our studio audience members
- 00:43:36.190 --> 00:43:38.060
- if they would reveal
- 00:43:38.060 --> 00:43:39.050
- their own insights on sex,
- 00:43:39.050 --> 00:43:41.070
- love, and relationships
- 00:43:41.070 --> 00:43:42.120
- for John and Helen to see.
- 00:43:42.120 --> 00:43:43.220
- Let's see.
- 00:43:43.220 --> 00:43:45.020
- - male: What are
- 00:43:45.020 --> 00:43:45.170
- - female: Thank God.
- 00:43:48.060 --> 00:43:50.070
- - male: Why do you think
- 00:43:50.070 --> 00:43:50.230
- good people cheat?
- 00:43:50.230 --> 00:43:52.120
- - female: Wow,
- 00:43:52.120 --> 00:43:55.110
- just human behavior
- 00:43:55.110 --> 00:43:56.240
- and not always following
- 00:43:56.240 --> 00:43:59.110
- the right thing.
- 00:43:59.110 --> 00:44:00.120
- It's just a part
- 00:44:00.120 --> 00:44:01.030
- of the human behavior.
- 00:44:01.030 --> 00:44:03.140
- - male: What do you do if you
- 00:44:03.140 --> 00:44:04.090
- like someone?
- 00:44:04.150 --> 00:44:07.150
- - female: I make myself
- 00:44:07.150 --> 00:44:09.050
- a little bit available,
- 00:44:09.050 --> 00:44:10.230
- talking to them, and trying
- 00:44:10.230 --> 00:44:11.270
- to get to know them.
- 00:44:11.270 --> 00:44:13.240
- - male: Do you think sexting's
- 00:44:13.240 --> 00:44:14.140
- okay?
- 00:44:14.140 --> 00:44:15.230
- - female: Sexting is not okay.
- 00:44:15.230 --> 00:44:17.280
- It kinda goes
- 00:44:17.280 --> 00:44:18.180
- into another territory.
- 00:44:18.180 --> 00:44:20.130
- Unless you're married,
- 00:44:20.130 --> 00:44:22.040
- then you can sext all you want.
- 00:44:22.040 --> 00:44:23.190
- But not really if you're single.
- 00:44:23.190 --> 00:44:26.160
- - male: What's a symbol
- 00:44:26.160 --> 00:44:27.040
- of being in love?
- 00:44:27.040 --> 00:44:29.080
- - female: A symbol of being
- 00:44:29.080 --> 00:44:30.160
- in love is probably
- 00:44:30.160 --> 00:44:31.190
- real compassion,
- 00:44:31.190 --> 00:44:33.120
- and loving when you don't
- 00:44:33.120 --> 00:44:34.190
- necessarily feel like loving.
- 00:44:34.210 --> 00:44:37.210
- - male: Do you think opposites
- 00:44:37.210 --> 00:44:38.100
- can attract?
- 00:44:38.100 --> 00:44:39.150
- - female: Yes.
- 00:44:39.150 --> 00:44:41.020
- - male: Should you text someone
- 00:44:41.020 --> 00:44:41.230
- right back?
- 00:44:41.230 --> 00:44:43.080
- - female: I think it's okay
- 00:44:43.080 --> 00:44:44.100
- if you know that person
- 00:44:44.100 --> 00:44:46.080
- and you know how they're
- 00:44:46.080 --> 00:44:46.290
- gonna respond to you.
- 00:44:46.290 --> 00:44:48.050
- If you don't feel nervous
- 00:44:48.050 --> 00:44:48.210
- about it, you can go
- 00:44:48.210 --> 00:44:49.080
- with your first instinct.
- 00:44:49.080 --> 00:44:51.120
- - male: Do you think flirting
- 00:44:51.120 --> 00:44:52.000
- is cheating?
- 00:44:52.000 --> 00:44:54.050
- - female: If you're married
- 00:44:54.050 --> 00:44:54.240
- it is.
- 00:44:55.030 --> 00:44:58.030
- - male: If you could ask a man
- 00:44:58.030 --> 00:44:59.010
- one question, what would it be?
- 00:44:59.080 --> 00:45:02.100
- - female: Do you have
- 00:45:02.100 --> 00:45:02.250
- a real genuine relationship
- 00:45:02.250 --> 00:45:05.060
- with Jesus Christ?
- 00:45:05.060 --> 00:45:06.070
- Is he the head of your life?
- 00:45:06.070 --> 00:45:07.270
- - male: Is being friends
- 00:45:07.270 --> 00:45:08.130
- with your ex okay?
- 00:45:08.130 --> 00:45:10.070
- - female: It depends
- 00:45:10.070 --> 00:45:10.230
- on the relationship.
- 00:45:10.230 --> 00:45:12.020
- I don't know.
- 00:45:12.020 --> 00:45:13.000
- It just depends on the history
- 00:45:13.000 --> 00:45:14.100
- of that relationship if you
- 00:45:14.100 --> 00:45:15.200
- can be friends or not
- 00:45:15.200 --> 00:45:16.180
- - John: Some really good,
- 00:45:19.070 --> 00:45:19.240
- you know, how she,
- 00:45:19.240 --> 00:45:21.020
- she listened, she thought,
- 00:45:21.020 --> 00:45:22.120
- and she responded,
- 00:45:22.120 --> 00:45:23.180
- and she had quite a bit to say.
- 00:45:23.180 --> 00:45:26.000
- - Helen: I would applaud her
- 00:45:26.000 --> 00:45:28.060
- on every one of those,
- 00:45:28.060 --> 00:45:29.170
- other than I'm not sure
- 00:45:29.170 --> 00:45:30.170
- about if you're married.
- 00:45:30.170 --> 00:45:31.120
- Don't be sending me
- 00:45:31.120 --> 00:45:32.060
- any pictures.
- 00:45:32.060 --> 00:45:33.080
- - John: Yeah, I don't agree
- 00:45:33.080 --> 00:45:35.070
- with that one.
- 00:45:35.070 --> 00:45:36.040
- - Helen: Too many children,
- 00:45:36.040 --> 00:45:37.040
- grandchildren, and people
- 00:45:37.040 --> 00:45:38.030
- in the world, yeah.
- 00:45:38.030 --> 00:45:39.030
- And beside, we're old.
- 00:45:39.030 --> 00:45:40.170
- - John: I think
- 00:45:40.170 --> 00:45:41.020
- what was interesting to me was,
- 00:45:41.020 --> 00:45:42.190
- "If you like somebody,
- 00:45:42.190 --> 00:45:43.260
- what do you do?"
- 00:45:43.260 --> 00:45:44.200
- Well, you make yourself
- 00:45:44.200 --> 00:45:45.140
- available.
- 00:45:45.140 --> 00:45:46.140
- - Helen: So you can get to know
- 00:45:46.140 --> 00:45:47.180
- them better.
- 00:45:47.180 --> 00:45:48.080
- Absolutely what I would do.
- 00:45:48.080 --> 00:45:50.110
- - Niyah: I loved that one.
- 00:45:50.110 --> 00:45:51.080
- And one of the questions
- 00:45:51.080 --> 00:45:52.100
- that stuck out to me,
- 00:45:52.100 --> 00:45:53.020
- she was like, "What would you
- 00:45:53.020 --> 00:45:54.100
- ask a guy if you had
- 00:45:54.100 --> 00:45:55.160
- the chance to?"
- 00:45:55.160 --> 00:45:56.100
- And she said, "Do you have
- 00:45:56.100 --> 00:45:57.180
- a genuine, true relationship
- 00:45:57.180 --> 00:45:59.140
- with Jesus Christ?"
- 00:45:59.140 --> 00:46:00.250
- Now, I love that.
- 00:46:00.250 --> 00:46:02.090
- But to me, I kinda think
- 00:46:02.090 --> 00:46:03.140
- of like, "Hmm, would they
- 00:46:03.140 --> 00:46:05.060
- really be honest about that
- 00:46:05.060 --> 00:46:07.250
- at, you know what I'm saying,
- 00:46:07.250 --> 00:46:08.260
- to the full extent
- 00:46:08.260 --> 00:46:10.010
- if they're very interested
- 00:46:10.010 --> 00:46:10.290
- in the girl, you know?"
- 00:46:10.290 --> 00:46:12.100
- - John: Right.
- 00:46:12.100 --> 00:46:13.000
- - Helen: That's a great point.
- 00:46:13.000 --> 00:46:14.190
- I think one, that question,
- 00:46:14.190 --> 00:46:16.010
- he may feel, "Yes, absolutely."
- 00:46:16.010 --> 00:46:18.190
- But I think that what does
- 00:46:18.190 --> 00:46:21.030
- a genuine relationship
- 00:46:21.030 --> 00:46:22.190
- look like with Jesus to you?
- 00:46:22.190 --> 00:46:24.140
- That where are you going
- 00:46:24.140 --> 00:46:25.140
- with your life?
- 00:46:25.140 --> 00:46:26.140
- What does that mean to you?
- 00:46:26.140 --> 00:46:27.230
- And I think you can't answer
- 00:46:27.230 --> 00:46:29.080
- that in a one-word question.
- 00:46:29.080 --> 00:46:31.020
- I mean, a question
- 00:46:31.020 --> 00:46:32.040
- with a one-word answers.
- 00:46:32.040 --> 00:46:33.060
- It's actually a relationship
- 00:46:33.060 --> 00:46:34.090
- of discovery.
- 00:46:34.090 --> 00:46:35.110
- - John: And I think that's why
- 00:46:35.110 --> 00:46:36.090
- it's so important that you
- 00:46:36.090 --> 00:46:38.080
- actually get to know each other
- 00:46:38.080 --> 00:46:40.090
- across the room.
- 00:46:40.090 --> 00:46:41.100
- In other words, you don't get
- 00:46:41.100 --> 00:46:42.150
- into this attraction
- 00:46:42.150 --> 00:46:45.020
- relationship and then you ask
- 00:46:45.020 --> 00:46:46.150
- those questions, because people
- 00:46:46.150 --> 00:46:47.250
- do turn into chameleons,
- 00:46:47.250 --> 00:46:49.170
- and they will be whatever color
- 00:46:49.170 --> 00:46:50.280
- you want them to be.
- 00:46:50.280 --> 00:46:52.050
- But if you watch
- 00:46:52.050 --> 00:46:53.010
- across the room, you can tell.
- 00:46:53.010 --> 00:46:54.070
- Do they really have
- 00:46:54.070 --> 00:46:55.040
- a relationship?
- 00:46:55.040 --> 00:46:56.010
- Especially if you watch 'em
- 00:46:56.010 --> 00:46:56.240
- in church.
- 00:46:56.240 --> 00:46:57.140
- Are they really worshipers?
- 00:46:57.140 --> 00:46:58.240
- Or what happens
- 00:46:58.240 --> 00:46:59.180
- when the offering goes by?
- 00:46:59.180 --> 00:47:02.020
- - Helen: Yeah, I think
- 00:47:02.020 --> 00:47:02.170
- pay attention to that one.
- 00:47:02.170 --> 00:47:03.240
- - Niyah: Ooh yeah.
- 00:47:03.240 --> 00:47:05.000
- Was that a 5 or a $100 bill
- 00:47:05.000 --> 00:47:06.170
- in there?
- 00:47:06.170 --> 00:47:08.130
- Now, we're gonna get things
- 00:47:08.130 --> 00:47:09.150
- a little spicy right now
- 00:47:09.150 --> 00:47:11.010
- because this is the questions
- 00:47:11.010 --> 00:47:12.180
- that you guys have been waiting
- 00:47:12.180 --> 00:47:13.250
- for, some of these questions
- 00:47:13.250 --> 00:47:14.270
- our viewers sent in about sex.
- 00:47:14.270 --> 00:47:16.290
- The first question they sent in
- 00:47:16.290 --> 00:47:18.010
- was, "In dating, when do you
- 00:47:18.010 --> 00:47:19.260
- bring up your sexual past?
- 00:47:19.260 --> 00:47:22.000
- And how much do you reveal?"
- 00:47:22.000 --> 00:47:24.080
- Hmm.
- 00:47:24.080 --> 00:47:25.010
- - Helen: Well, I talk about
- 00:47:25.010 --> 00:47:27.030
- this often as I'm, you know,
- 00:47:27.030 --> 00:47:29.100
- talking with young people,
- 00:47:29.100 --> 00:47:30.220
- or talking
- 00:47:30.220 --> 00:47:31.070
- premarital relationships
- 00:47:31.070 --> 00:47:33.170
- and that.
- 00:47:33.170 --> 00:47:34.090
- Because I think that it's
- 00:47:34.090 --> 00:47:35.180
- very important
- 00:47:35.180 --> 00:47:36.170
- that if you've had
- 00:47:36.170 --> 00:47:37.200
- a sexual past,
- 00:47:37.200 --> 00:47:39.040
- that we're honest about that.
- 00:47:39.040 --> 00:47:40.190
- I think about
- 00:47:40.190 --> 00:47:41.050
- not just our sexual past,
- 00:47:41.050 --> 00:47:42.180
- if you have, like if you've had
- 00:47:42.180 --> 00:47:43.260
- bankruptcy, if you've been
- 00:47:43.260 --> 00:47:45.210
- in prison, if you have an STD,
- 00:47:45.210 --> 00:47:47.150
- like, all of the above.
- 00:47:47.150 --> 00:47:49.030
- - John: If you've had a,
- 00:47:49.030 --> 00:47:49.260
- you know, an abortion or a baby
- 00:47:49.260 --> 00:47:52.050
- in the past.
- 00:47:52.050 --> 00:47:53.010
- There's so many things.
- 00:47:53.010 --> 00:47:54.110
- - Helen: Yeah, and I think they
- 00:47:54.110 --> 00:47:55.210
- need to be talked about.
- 00:47:55.210 --> 00:47:57.000
- And I think that you don't talk
- 00:47:57.000 --> 00:47:59.240
- about 'em too soon.
- 00:47:59.240 --> 00:48:00.210
- I think so often we reveal
- 00:48:00.210 --> 00:48:01.190
- everything and we tell people
- 00:48:01.190 --> 00:48:03.080
- stuff they don't need to know
- 00:48:03.080 --> 00:48:04.190
- because the relationship's
- 00:48:04.190 --> 00:48:05.150
- not gonna go where it
- 00:48:05.150 --> 00:48:06.130
- actually, you know, where you
- 00:48:06.130 --> 00:48:07.170
- might think it's going.
- 00:48:07.170 --> 00:48:08.190
- But I do think
- 00:48:08.190 --> 00:48:09.060
- when the relationship
- 00:48:09.060 --> 00:48:10.030
- gets more serious that we
- 00:48:10.030 --> 00:48:12.060
- do need to talk about it.
- 00:48:12.060 --> 00:48:13.110
- If you see a future
- 00:48:13.110 --> 00:48:14.040
- with this person,
- 00:48:14.040 --> 00:48:14.250
- that you're probably
- 00:48:14.250 --> 00:48:15.150
- going to get married,
- 00:48:15.150 --> 00:48:16.230
- then I think we need to bring up
- 00:48:16.230 --> 00:48:17.260
- our story.
- 00:48:17.260 --> 00:48:19.020
- - Niyah: Okay, so my question
- 00:48:19.020 --> 00:48:19.290
- is this.
- 00:48:19.290 --> 00:48:20.190
- So you bring up
- 00:48:20.190 --> 00:48:21.060
- your sexual past,
- 00:48:21.060 --> 00:48:22.210
- and the person reveals,
- 00:48:22.210 --> 00:48:23.220
- "Okay, yes, I'm not a virgin."
- 00:48:23.220 --> 00:48:26.190
- Why continue the conversation
- 00:48:26.190 --> 00:48:27.290
- past that?
- 00:48:27.290 --> 00:48:29.010
- You know it.
- 00:48:29.010 --> 00:48:29.170
- There's nothing there that's
- 00:48:29.170 --> 00:48:31.000
- huge that we need to talk about.
- 00:48:31.000 --> 00:48:32.290
- So can we just move along
- 00:48:32.290 --> 00:48:34.120
- from there, perhaps?
- 00:48:34.120 --> 00:48:35.260
- - John: Well, that's what I
- 00:48:35.260 --> 00:48:36.130
- think what she meant, well,
- 00:48:36.130 --> 00:48:37.230
- you need to bring it up,
- 00:48:37.230 --> 00:48:38.220
- but not in detail.
- 00:48:38.220 --> 00:48:39.280
- Not everything under the sun.
- 00:48:39.280 --> 00:48:41.120
- You know, just the headlines.
- 00:48:41.120 --> 00:48:43.070
- And then you see
- 00:48:43.070 --> 00:48:43.280
- what the response is.
- 00:48:43.280 --> 00:48:45.130
- - Helen: I think that's
- 00:48:45.130 --> 00:48:46.010
- the actually,
- 00:48:46.010 --> 00:48:46.160
- the most important part of it,
- 00:48:46.160 --> 00:48:48.030
- is to see how they respond
- 00:48:48.030 --> 00:48:49.170
- to you in that situation.
- 00:48:49.170 --> 00:48:51.270
- And not everyone can deal
- 00:48:51.270 --> 00:48:53.280
- with someone that has
- 00:48:53.280 --> 00:48:55.030
- a big past.
- 00:48:55.030 --> 00:48:56.040
- And I think if that's the fact,
- 00:48:56.040 --> 00:48:57.240
- then that's okay.
- 00:48:57.240 --> 00:48:58.250
- Then be free and move on.
- 00:48:58.250 --> 00:49:01.170
- And I think--
- 00:49:01.170 --> 00:49:02.020
- - John: Like, for instance,
- 00:49:02.020 --> 00:49:02.220
- if that--now,
- 00:49:02.220 --> 00:49:04.010
- like, "Tell me everything.
- 00:49:04.010 --> 00:49:05.060
- I wanna know everything."
- 00:49:05.060 --> 00:49:05.250
- Why?
- 00:49:05.250 --> 00:49:07.020
- Why?
- 00:49:07.020 --> 00:49:07.170
- There's a question mark
- 00:49:07.170 --> 00:49:09.080
- right there, you know?
- 00:49:09.080 --> 00:49:10.180
- "Can't you deal with this is
- 00:49:10.180 --> 00:49:12.070
- who I am today?
- 00:49:12.070 --> 00:49:13.110
- Yesterday's gone."
- 00:49:13.110 --> 00:49:14.220
- Right?
- 00:49:14.220 --> 00:49:15.090
- - Helen: And if they
- 00:49:15.090 --> 00:49:15.240
- can't handle it,
- 00:49:15.240 --> 00:49:17.120
- then I'd just say move on.
- 00:49:17.120 --> 00:49:19.040
- And because then you can walk
- 00:49:19.040 --> 00:49:21.270
- away from the relationship
- 00:49:21.270 --> 00:49:23.120
- and know that that person can't
- 00:49:23.120 --> 00:49:24.200
- handle it, or never, ever marry
- 00:49:24.200 --> 00:49:26.210
- someone who can't forgive
- 00:49:26.210 --> 00:49:29.100
- and move on.
- 00:49:29.100 --> 00:49:30.110
- I think that's very telling
- 00:49:30.110 --> 00:49:31.050
- about the person.
- 00:49:31.050 --> 00:49:32.160
- But I think having said that,
- 00:49:32.160 --> 00:49:34.180
- when you open--I would hope
- 00:49:34.180 --> 00:49:36.280
- that if I had
- 00:49:36.280 --> 00:49:37.170
- a really hurting past
- 00:49:37.170 --> 00:49:39.020
- and had made really bad choices
- 00:49:39.020 --> 00:49:40.230
- in my life
- 00:49:40.230 --> 00:49:41.140
- about any of the things I
- 00:49:41.140 --> 00:49:42.150
- might have mentioned,
- 00:49:42.150 --> 00:49:43.270
- that I would have a husband
- 00:49:43.270 --> 00:49:46.130
- in my future that would look
- 00:49:46.130 --> 00:49:47.290
- at me and say,
- 00:49:47.290 --> 00:49:48.270
- "That's in your past.
- 00:49:48.270 --> 00:49:50.000
- Now let's go build
- 00:49:50.000 --> 00:49:50.240
- a beautiful future together."
- 00:49:50.240 --> 00:49:52.060
- Because love covers.
- 00:49:52.060 --> 00:49:53.150
- Love doesn't expose.
- 00:49:53.150 --> 00:49:54.210
- Love doesn't shame.
- 00:49:54.210 --> 00:49:55.210
- Love covers.
- 00:49:55.210 --> 00:49:56.250
- - Niyah: So when do you do
- 00:49:56.250 --> 00:49:57.210
- that though?
- 00:49:57.210 --> 00:49:58.110
- Say if you have
- 00:49:58.110 --> 00:49:59.030
- a heavy sexual past
- 00:49:59.030 --> 00:50:00.270
- of some sort and where things
- 00:50:00.270 --> 00:50:02.170
- have went on or what have you.
- 00:50:02.170 --> 00:50:04.060
- Do you wait until you
- 00:50:04.060 --> 00:50:05.070
- get engaged to reveal it?
- 00:50:05.070 --> 00:50:06.210
- Do you wait till
- 00:50:06.210 --> 00:50:07.120
- the dating phase to reveal it?
- 00:50:07.120 --> 00:50:09.110
- When do you do it?
- 00:50:09.110 --> 00:50:09.290
- - Helen: I think, ideally, it
- 00:50:09.290 --> 00:50:11.280
- would be just pre-engagement.
- 00:50:11.280 --> 00:50:13.210
- And you don't necessarily know
- 00:50:13.210 --> 00:50:14.190
- what that is, but unless you're
- 00:50:14.190 --> 00:50:16.040
- gonna really see a future
- 00:50:16.040 --> 00:50:17.280
- with this person, nobody else
- 00:50:17.280 --> 00:50:19.130
- needs to know that.
- 00:50:19.130 --> 00:50:20.270
- But I think that, you know,
- 00:50:20.270 --> 00:50:23.010
- if this is
- 00:50:23.010 --> 00:50:23.290
- a serious relationship
- 00:50:23.290 --> 00:50:25.130
- that we see a potential
- 00:50:25.130 --> 00:50:26.280
- for the future, then we can talk
- 00:50:26.280 --> 00:50:28.190
- about it now.
- 00:50:28.190 --> 00:50:29.240
- And if it doesn't work,
- 00:50:29.240 --> 00:50:31.090
- then have a great life.
- 00:50:31.090 --> 00:50:34.000
- - Niyah: Awesome,
- 00:50:34.000 --> 00:50:34.170
- awesome advice.
- 00:50:34.170 --> 00:50:35.180
- Now, Pastor John, talk
- 00:50:35.180 --> 00:50:36.210
- about today, our episode today,
- 00:50:36.210 --> 00:50:38.170
- some pretty heavy stuff,
- 00:50:38.170 --> 00:50:39.170
- some pretty heavy conversations.
- 00:50:39.170 --> 00:50:41.110
- How would you sum up today?
- 00:50:41.110 --> 00:50:43.040
- - John: Well, today's show was
- 00:50:43.040 --> 00:50:44.060
- all about trust,
- 00:50:44.060 --> 00:50:45.010
- which I think is one of the most
- 00:50:45.010 --> 00:50:46.090
- important issues.
- 00:50:46.090 --> 00:50:47.140
- And you need to have trust
- 00:50:47.140 --> 00:50:49.070
- in a relationship to build.
- 00:50:49.070 --> 00:50:50.200
- You can't build without trust.
- 00:50:50.200 --> 00:50:52.050
- So somehow, you have
- 00:50:52.050 --> 00:50:53.150
- to figure it out and you
- 00:50:53.150 --> 00:50:54.170
- have to go forward from there.
- 00:50:54.170 --> 00:50:56.110
- Can you get healed from someone
- 00:50:56.110 --> 00:50:59.000
- that has broken trust?
- 00:50:59.000 --> 00:51:00.150
- Yes, but it's gonna take time,
- 00:51:00.150 --> 00:51:02.120
- and it's gonna take
- 00:51:02.120 --> 00:51:03.130
- understanding what trust is.
- 00:51:03.130 --> 00:51:05.040
- So often we're so confused
- 00:51:05.040 --> 00:51:06.140
- in our world.
- 00:51:06.140 --> 00:51:07.100
- And I think this show, I think
- 00:51:07.100 --> 00:51:08.190
- we talked about that trust
- 00:51:08.190 --> 00:51:10.060
- actually, it is not about
- 00:51:10.060 --> 00:51:12.070
- your love or your forgiveness.
- 00:51:12.070 --> 00:51:13.290
- It's about wisdom.
- 00:51:13.290 --> 00:51:15.040
- It's about building on the past.
- 00:51:15.040 --> 00:51:18.000
- And as you do,
- 00:51:18.000 --> 00:51:20.000
- there's nothing stopping you
- 00:51:20.000 --> 00:51:20.200
- - Niyah: Thank you so, so much,
- 00:51:22.210 --> 00:51:23.280
- Pastor John and Pastor Helen,
- 00:51:23.280 --> 00:51:25.010
- for all your wisdom,
- 00:51:25.010 --> 00:51:25.270
- all your godly insight.
- 00:51:25.270 --> 00:51:27.080
- Now, I know we all love
- 00:51:27.080 --> 00:51:29.060
- the funnier parts of this show.
- 00:51:29.060 --> 00:51:31.080
- But we are aware that these are
- 00:51:31.080 --> 00:51:32.280
- some real issues
- 00:51:32.280 --> 00:51:33.280
- that people deal with.
- 00:51:33.280 --> 00:51:35.010
- And if you're concerned
- 00:51:35.010 --> 00:51:35.260
- about a friend or family member,
- 00:51:35.260 --> 00:51:37.040
- or even yourself, regarding
- 00:51:37.040 --> 00:51:38.170
- the topic of rebuilding trust,
- 00:51:38.170 --> 00:51:40.050
- we wanna encourage you
- 00:51:40.050 --> 00:51:41.030
- to reach out to someone.
- 00:51:41.030 --> 00:51:42.120
- Now, next time, we would love
- 00:51:42.120 --> 00:51:44.140
- to see you.
- 00:51:44.140 --> 00:51:45.050
- Be blessed, live large,
- 00:51:45.050 --> 00:51:46.200
- CC by Aberdeen Captioning 1-800-688-6621 abercap.com
- 00:51:54.060 --> 00:51:58.060