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Sex, Love & Relationships

Watch Sex, Love & Relationships
January 24, 2017
51:43

Sex, Love & Relationships & Online Dating

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Sex, Love & Relationships

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  • - male announcer: The themes
  • 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:01.090
  • discussed in this episode do not
  • 00:00:01.090 --> 00:00:02.230
  • take into account your
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  • specific situation or needs.
  • 00:00:03.290 --> 00:00:05.270
  • If you or a family member
  • 00:00:05.270 --> 00:00:07.050
  • requires assistance or support,
  • 00:00:07.050 --> 00:00:08.290
  • please seek help from
  • 00:00:08.290 --> 00:00:09.270
  • - Niyah Rahmaan: Well, welcome
  • 00:00:19.080 --> 00:00:19.270
  • to "Sex, Love & Relationships,"
  • 00:00:19.270 --> 00:00:20.260
  • the show where we talk about
  • 00:00:20.260 --> 00:00:22.060
  • everything, marriages,
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  • parenting,
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  • and even online dating.
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  • My name is Niyah, and I'm here,
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  • of course,
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  • with a very special couple,
  • 00:00:28.030 --> 00:00:29.130
  • John and Helen are a wealth
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  • of knowledge when it comes
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  • to relationships.
  • 00:00:33.190 --> 00:00:34.200
  • They've had their own radio
  • 00:00:34.200 --> 00:00:35.180
  • and television show for years.
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  • They're authors of award-winning
  • 00:00:37.190 --> 00:00:39.020
  • and bestselling relationship
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  • books, and have been helping
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  • singles and couples navigate
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  • through life for over 30 years.
  • 00:00:43.200 --> 00:00:46.200
  • Today we interview a very
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  • special guest who has conquered
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  • the frustrations of online
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  • dating, and she kindly gives us
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  • her valuable tips and tricks.
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  • - Bianca Olthoff: By the way,
  • 00:00:55.070 --> 00:00:55.250
  • free dating advice.
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  • If you break up a lot,
  • 00:00:56.200 --> 00:00:57.160
  • that means your relationship
  • 00:00:57.160 --> 00:00:58.060
  • is broken.
  • 00:00:58.060 --> 00:00:59.200
  • So, yes.
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  • - Niyah: Also coming up in this
  • 00:01:01.050 --> 00:01:02.010
  • show we have John and Helen
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  • taking some real life questions
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  • - female: What is your best
  • 00:01:06.190 --> 00:01:08.140
  • recommendation on disciplining
  • 00:01:08.140 --> 00:01:10.020
  • - Helen Burns: Now that I'm
  • 00:01:12.030 --> 00:01:12.200
  • a grandparent, nothing.
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  • Give them candy.
  • 00:01:13.240 --> 00:01:14.120
  • Let them go to bed whenever
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  • they want to.
  • 00:01:15.270 --> 00:01:17.170
  • - Niyah: And we head
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  • to social media to see what's
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  • trending online.
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  • - John Burns: Have you seen
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  • the list that some girls have?
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  • - Niyah:
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  • Well, what's wrong with a list?
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  • - John: Or guys.
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  • Let's not talk about just girls.
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  • - Niyah: I think a guy's list
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  • sometimes could be just as long
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  • as a girl's list sometimes,
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  • but we're just very detailed.
  • 00:01:32.000 --> 00:01:34.060
  • - John: I disagree.
  • 00:01:34.060 --> 00:01:35.290
  • - Niyah: This show covers all
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  • of the hard-hitting topics
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  • we need godly wisdom on.
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  • - Niyah: So once upon a time,
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  • many moons ago, you'd meet your
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  • life partner at a bus stop,
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  • university, blue light disco,
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  • or even the library.
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  • Well,
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  • today it's a digital library
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  • full of profiles,
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  • video streaming,
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  • and Instagram pics, you know?
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  • Hey, you just never know where
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  • the love of your life could come
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  • from, right, John and Helen?
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  • - Helen: Uh-huh.
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  • - John: Yeah, and that's why
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  • this is a great, great topic.
  • 00:02:26.140 --> 00:02:28.070
  • We're gonna talk about
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  • online dating.
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  • - Niyah: Yes, online--I'm
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  • excited because this is one
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  • of those kinda, like,
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  • taboo type things if you're
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  • in the Christian world.
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  • Like, you just don't do, like,
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  • if you go online and date, like,
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  • either you're desperate or
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  • you're not waiting on the Lord.
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  • You're boxing God out.
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  • What do you guys think about it?
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  • - Helen: I actually think
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  • it's changed tremendously.
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  • I think in our world it's
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  • not taboo anymore.
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  • I think it used to be,
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  • but I actually think
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  • it's changed tremendously.
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  • We need to recognize it's here
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  • to stay and help people navigate
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  • it with wisdom.
  • 00:02:57.070 --> 00:02:58.120
  • - John: But that's the thing,
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  • with wisdom.
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  • So today, as we talk about it,
  • 00:03:00.030 --> 00:03:01.250
  • hopefully, gonna get some tools,
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  • some wisdom, to people so that
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  • they can have the best.
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  • - Niyah: I love that.
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  • C'mon, you guys are excited.
  • 00:03:07.190 --> 00:03:08.260
  • I'm excited.
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  • Well, now, earlier this week
  • 00:03:09.220 --> 00:03:10.240
  • John caught up with a woman who
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  • tested the online dating scene
  • 00:03:12.080 --> 00:03:14.060
  • and ended up in a pretty
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  • fabulous predicament.
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  • - John: Bianca, I'm so glad you
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  • agreed to come on the show
  • 00:03:20.220 --> 00:03:22.080
  • and talk about this really
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  • important topic.
  • 00:03:23.190 --> 00:03:25.020
  • And I know you have been raised
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  • in this area, and I'd just love
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  • to hear your story.
  • 00:03:29.290 --> 00:03:31.260
  • So start from really young and--
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  • - Bianca: Well, I, born and
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  • raised in LA, city of angels,
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  • ride or die.
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  • I love it.
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  • I'm a first-generation American.
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  • I am, as I like to say,
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  • Mexirican.
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  • My dad's Mexican.
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  • My mom's Puerto Rican.
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  • Conservative home,
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  • absolutely loved Jesus.
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  • And my parents raised us to make
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  • quality decisions all through
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  • growing up that would eventually
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  • prepare us not just for marriage
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  • but prepare us for life.
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  • - John: So you are a PK.
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  • - Bianca: I am.
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  • - John: Tell us about that.
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  • - Bianca: Well, there's a call
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  • on my dad's life.
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  • He came to this country
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  • at a young age.
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  • Had a radical encounter overseas
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  • in Vietnam fighting as a US MC,
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  • hoorah!
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  • And just experienced
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  • the Lord Jesus Christ.
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  • Came back, and then wanted
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  • to go back to the hood.
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  • So we started, I say, "We,"
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  • 'cause you know,
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  • if a pastor's called,
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  • you're a pastor,
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  • if a pastor's called,
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  • the whole family's called.
  • 00:04:20.030 --> 00:04:21.230
  • So we planted a church
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  • in East Los Angeles, California.
  • 00:04:23.040 --> 00:04:25.090
  • There was a great call
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  • of ministry upon our life,
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  • but there was also a lot
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  • of sacrifices.
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  • So I like to joke with my dad.
  • 00:04:29.060 --> 00:04:30.290
  • And I said, "Daddy, I like that
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  • we grew up poor and with a thick
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  • Mexican accent."
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  • "Bianca, we weren't poor."
  • 00:04:35.000 --> 00:04:36.210
  • I said, "You're right, Dad.
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  • We were po', like,
  • 00:04:37.170 --> 00:04:38.200
  • so poor we couldn't afford
  • 00:04:38.200 --> 00:04:39.180
  • the O-R, just po'."
  • 00:04:39.180 --> 00:04:41.120
  • But I loved it.
  • 00:04:41.120 --> 00:04:42.050
  • We served Jesus.
  • 00:04:42.050 --> 00:04:43.090
  • My parents are still there
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  • 35 years later.
  • 00:04:45.040 --> 00:04:46.040
  • - John: Wow, awesome.
  • 00:04:46.040 --> 00:04:46.260
  • So growing us as a PK,
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  • did that shape some
  • 00:04:48.130 --> 00:04:49.230
  • of your dreams about, like,
  • 00:04:49.230 --> 00:04:52.100
  • dating, relationships?
  • 00:04:52.100 --> 00:04:53.270
  • - Bianca: Oh, absolutely.
  • 00:04:53.270 --> 00:04:55.040
  • I went to Vacation Bible School,
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  • Sunday school, winter camp,
  • 00:04:56.160 --> 00:04:57.240
  • summer camp.
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  • I did Awanas.
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  • I did memory verse Scriptures.
  • 00:04:59.130 --> 00:05:00.220
  • So I had a great, I would say,
  • 00:05:00.220 --> 00:05:03.070
  • solid concept of God
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  • is sovereign.
  • 00:05:05.050 --> 00:05:06.020
  • He's over all.
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  • He's in control of all.
  • 00:05:07.200 --> 00:05:09.000
  • He brought Rebekah to Isaac.
  • 00:05:09.000 --> 00:05:11.120
  • And he made Eve for Adam.
  • 00:05:11.120 --> 00:05:13.090
  • So in my mind I thought,
  • 00:05:13.090 --> 00:05:14.250
  • "Well, he's gonna do the same
  • 00:05:14.250 --> 00:05:15.180
  • thing for me."
  • 00:05:15.180 --> 00:05:16.220
  • But you know,
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  • I'm pushing 30 and there's no
  • 00:05:18.010 --> 00:05:20.220
  • prospects out there.
  • 00:05:20.220 --> 00:05:22.070
  • And my twin sister had said,
  • 00:05:22.070 --> 00:05:24.090
  • "I think you should try
  • 00:05:24.090 --> 00:05:25.000
  • online dating."
  • 00:05:25.000 --> 00:05:26.010
  • And I was like,
  • 00:05:26.010 --> 00:05:27.170
  • "Craigslist killer, no.
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  • No, thank you."
  • 00:05:29.000 --> 00:05:30.080
  • But she won the battle
  • 00:05:30.080 --> 00:05:31.100
  • and she signed me up.
  • 00:05:31.100 --> 00:05:32.260
  • - John: Wow, that's awesome.
  • 00:05:32.260 --> 00:05:33.180
  • Go back to your teenage years.
  • 00:05:33.180 --> 00:05:35.040
  • Did you have any dating going
  • 00:05:35.040 --> 00:05:37.000
  • on then?
  • 00:05:37.000 --> 00:05:37.230
  • Or were you one of those that
  • 00:05:37.230 --> 00:05:39.230
  • had the list that was so high
  • 00:05:39.230 --> 00:05:41.080
  • nobody got there?
  • 00:05:41.080 --> 00:05:42.190
  • - Bianca: Well, I mean, no.
  • 00:05:42.190 --> 00:05:45.030
  • But maybe I should have.
  • 00:05:45.030 --> 00:05:46.010
  • I don't know.
  • 00:05:46.010 --> 00:05:46.220
  • I really didn't do a whole lot
  • 00:05:46.220 --> 00:05:47.190
  • of dating in high school.
  • 00:05:47.190 --> 00:05:48.110
  • I was very involved with sports
  • 00:05:48.110 --> 00:05:49.120
  • and student body.
  • 00:05:49.120 --> 00:05:50.080
  • But then come college,
  • 00:05:50.080 --> 00:05:51.150
  • I kinda felt like,
  • 00:05:51.150 --> 00:05:52.070
  • "Now's the time where
  • 00:05:52.070 --> 00:05:52.220
  • I'm gonna settle down."
  • 00:05:52.220 --> 00:05:53.160
  • And you know, I think,
  • 00:05:53.160 --> 00:05:55.030
  • specifically,
  • 00:05:55.030 --> 00:05:55.200
  • within Hispanic culture,
  • 00:05:55.200 --> 00:05:56.150
  • they expect you to be married
  • 00:05:56.150 --> 00:05:57.120
  • and have 5 kids by 19, you know?
  • 00:05:57.120 --> 00:05:59.050
  • So I was on a little bit
  • 00:05:59.050 --> 00:06:00.110
  • of a delayed track.
  • 00:06:00.110 --> 00:06:01.070
  • So I went to college
  • 00:06:01.070 --> 00:06:02.160
  • and I met a wonderful man.
  • 00:06:02.160 --> 00:06:04.210
  • I thought he was gonna
  • 00:06:04.210 --> 00:06:05.230
  • be my husband.
  • 00:06:05.230 --> 00:06:06.250
  • He loved Jesus.
  • 00:06:06.250 --> 00:06:07.220
  • He was a musician.
  • 00:06:07.220 --> 00:06:09.260
  • But it just turned into
  • 00:06:09.260 --> 00:06:11.060
  • a dysfunctional
  • 00:06:11.060 --> 00:06:11.260
  • 3-year relationship.
  • 00:06:11.260 --> 00:06:13.030
  • And I really felt that even
  • 00:06:13.090 --> 00:06:16.090
  • though we had broken up
  • 00:06:16.090 --> 00:06:17.060
  • several times, I thought God,
  • 00:06:17.060 --> 00:06:19.200
  • I went as far as saying as,
  • 00:06:19.200 --> 00:06:21.030
  • "I believe that God gave me
  • 00:06:21.030 --> 00:06:22.120
  • a verse," as to why I was gonna
  • 00:06:22.120 --> 00:06:24.020
  • marry this man.
  • 00:06:24.020 --> 00:06:24.190
  • So then when we broke up for,
  • 00:06:24.190 --> 00:06:26.060
  • like, the fifth time,
  • 00:06:26.060 --> 00:06:27.020
  • by the way, free dating advice.
  • 00:06:27.020 --> 00:06:28.170
  • If you break up a lot,
  • 00:06:28.170 --> 00:06:29.130
  • that means the relationship
  • 00:06:29.130 --> 00:06:30.020
  • is broken.
  • 00:06:30.020 --> 00:06:31.160
  • So, yes, blaring neon sign
  • 00:06:31.190 --> 00:06:34.190
  • that the relationship wasn't
  • 00:06:34.190 --> 00:06:35.070
  • working out.
  • 00:06:35.070 --> 00:06:36.050
  • But once I realized that it was
  • 00:06:36.050 --> 00:06:37.170
  • done, I felt a little lost.
  • 00:06:38.010 --> 00:06:41.010
  • Like, I didn't know how to start
  • 00:06:41.010 --> 00:06:41.280
  • over again.
  • 00:06:41.280 --> 00:06:43.040
  • - John: As a PK,
  • 00:06:43.040 --> 00:06:44.060
  • I have three daughters so
  • 00:06:44.060 --> 00:06:45.180
  • I kinda can understand
  • 00:06:45.180 --> 00:06:46.230
  • a little bit, do you ever have
  • 00:06:46.230 --> 00:06:48.090
  • to have that thing where guys
  • 00:06:48.090 --> 00:06:49.070
  • came up to you and said,
  • 00:06:49.070 --> 00:06:50.000
  • "God told me"?
  • 00:06:50.000 --> 00:06:50.270
  • - Bianca: Oh my goodness.
  • 00:06:50.270 --> 00:06:51.130
  • Yes,
  • 00:06:51.130 --> 00:06:51.290
  • and it was the weirdest thing.
  • 00:06:51.290 --> 00:06:53.000
  • It was the weirdest thing
  • 00:06:53.000 --> 00:06:53.220
  • because I--and my response
  • 00:06:53.220 --> 00:06:54.290
  • was also so lovely, like,
  • 00:06:54.290 --> 00:06:56.120
  • "Well, God didn't tell me,"
  • 00:06:56.120 --> 00:06:57.270
  • you know?
  • 00:06:57.270 --> 00:06:58.130
  • I'm like, sometimes within
  • 00:06:58.130 --> 00:06:59.170
  • church, men take it, like,
  • 00:06:59.170 --> 00:07:00.250
  • super-fast, like,
  • 00:07:00.250 --> 00:07:02.050
  • "You're my Proverbs 31 woman."
  • 00:07:02.050 --> 00:07:03.230
  • One time, this was a crazy,
  • 00:07:03.230 --> 00:07:04.280
  • this was crazy.
  • 00:07:04.280 --> 00:07:05.210
  • This is why Christian guys, oh,
  • 00:07:05.210 --> 00:07:06.280
  • a little crazy sometimes.
  • 00:07:06.280 --> 00:07:07.280
  • A guy was like,
  • 00:07:07.280 --> 00:07:08.140
  • "If I offer you 20 camels
  • 00:07:08.140 --> 00:07:10.020
  • will you come be with
  • 00:07:10.020 --> 00:07:10.170
  • my family?"
  • 00:07:10.170 --> 00:07:11.210
  • - John: Oh, Lord.
  • 00:07:11.210 --> 00:07:12.100
  • - Bianca: I mean,
  • 00:07:12.100 --> 00:07:12.260
  • it was supposed to be, like,
  • 00:07:12.260 --> 00:07:13.130
  • a biblical joke.
  • 00:07:13.130 --> 00:07:13.290
  • But it was just kind of, like,
  • 00:07:13.290 --> 00:07:14.230
  • biblically out of--
  • 00:07:14.230 --> 00:07:15.080
  • - John: Weird.
  • 00:07:15.080 --> 00:07:15.230
  • - Bianca:
  • 00:07:15.230 --> 00:07:16.180
  • Yes, out of left field.
  • 00:07:16.180 --> 00:07:17.250
  • Like, "Oh my goodness,
  • 00:07:17.250 --> 00:07:18.280
  • Jesus take the wheel.
  • 00:07:18.280 --> 00:07:20.000
  • No, take the whole car, Lord.
  • 00:07:20.000 --> 00:07:21.110
  • I just can't deal with this."
  • 00:07:21.110 --> 00:07:22.210
  • So I think I kind of lost track
  • 00:07:22.210 --> 00:07:24.270
  • on what to do.
  • 00:07:24.270 --> 00:07:25.210
  • And at this time,
  • 00:07:25.210 --> 00:07:26.290
  • so I broke up this relationship.
  • 00:07:26.290 --> 00:07:29.270
  • Or he broke up with me,
  • 00:07:29.270 --> 00:07:30.280
  • whatever.
  • 00:07:30.280 --> 00:07:31.130
  • Small detail.
  • 00:07:31.130 --> 00:07:32.200
  • My mom was diagnosed
  • 00:07:32.200 --> 00:07:33.190
  • with two forms of cancer,
  • 00:07:33.190 --> 00:07:35.000
  • one of 'em was brain cancer.
  • 00:07:35.000 --> 00:07:36.140
  • My younger sister kind
  • 00:07:36.140 --> 00:07:37.130
  • of couldn't reconcile how
  • 00:07:37.130 --> 00:07:38.060
  • a good God could do bad things
  • 00:07:38.060 --> 00:07:39.190
  • to good people.
  • 00:07:39.190 --> 00:07:40.260
  • And I was jobless.
  • 00:07:40.260 --> 00:07:42.090
  • I had to move back home
  • 00:07:42.090 --> 00:07:43.000
  • with my parents.
  • 00:07:43.000 --> 00:07:43.250
  • And so there was a lot of things
  • 00:07:43.250 --> 00:07:45.150
  • going on that I felt precluded
  • 00:07:45.150 --> 00:07:47.290
  • me from being in a relationship.
  • 00:07:47.290 --> 00:07:49.090
  • But then it just made me, like,
  • 00:07:49.090 --> 00:07:50.230
  • probably, I would say,
  • 00:07:50.230 --> 00:07:51.280
  • looking back retrospectively,
  • 00:07:51.280 --> 00:07:53.060
  • a little hyper-spiritual.
  • 00:07:53.060 --> 00:07:54.130
  • Like, "God is going to part
  • 00:07:54.130 --> 00:07:55.270
  • the Red Sea.
  • 00:07:55.270 --> 00:07:57.030
  • He did it for the Israelites,
  • 00:07:57.030 --> 00:07:57.270
  • and he's gonna bring Mr. Right
  • 00:07:57.270 --> 00:07:59.030
  • my way."
  • 00:07:59.030 --> 00:07:59.260
  • But I do believe that I had to,
  • 00:07:59.260 --> 00:08:01.280
  • learning now, looking back,
  • 00:08:01.280 --> 00:08:03.170
  • we kinda have to take those
  • 00:08:03.170 --> 00:08:04.050
  • baby steps.
  • 00:08:04.050 --> 00:08:05.130
  • And I'm not saying online dating
  • 00:08:05.130 --> 00:08:06.260
  • is the way to go.
  • 00:08:06.260 --> 00:08:07.160
  • I'm just saying if God can
  • 00:08:07.160 --> 00:08:08.220
  • redeem some of the most
  • 00:08:08.220 --> 00:08:09.280
  • broken things,
  • 00:08:09.280 --> 00:08:10.150
  • can he redeem the Internet?
  • 00:08:10.150 --> 00:08:12.110
  • We don't have matchmakers
  • 00:08:12.110 --> 00:08:13.090
  • anymore.
  • 00:08:13.090 --> 00:08:14.090
  • What if--
  • 00:08:14.090 --> 00:08:15.080
  • - John: My wife's one.
  • 00:08:15.080 --> 00:08:15.290
  • - Bianca: Oh, you know what?
  • 00:08:15.290 --> 00:08:16.220
  • And I know, me too.
  • 00:08:16.220 --> 00:08:17.200
  • I really wanna be a matchmaker.
  • 00:08:17.200 --> 00:08:18.180
  • My husband doesn't believe
  • 00:08:18.180 --> 00:08:19.040
  • in matchmakers.
  • 00:08:19.040 --> 00:08:19.230
  • But I'm a matchmaker for other
  • 00:08:19.230 --> 00:08:20.200
  • people all the time.
  • 00:08:20.200 --> 00:08:22.000
  • "Do you love Jesus?
  • 00:08:22.000 --> 00:08:22.160
  • Do you got a job?
  • 00:08:22.160 --> 00:08:23.030
  • Great, let's date.
  • 00:08:23.030 --> 00:08:24.040
  • C'mon, let's find some Christian
  • 00:08:24.040 --> 00:08:25.200
  • friends."
  • 00:08:25.200 --> 00:08:26.060
  • - John: Do you have brothers
  • 00:08:26.060 --> 00:08:26.240
  • or sisters?
  • 00:08:26.240 --> 00:08:27.110
  • - Bianca: Oh, yes.
  • 00:08:27.110 --> 00:08:28.110
  • I have five,
  • 00:08:28.110 --> 00:08:29.090
  • there's five siblings total.
  • 00:08:29.090 --> 00:08:31.000
  • Me and my sister are the eldest,
  • 00:08:31.000 --> 00:08:32.280
  • and we're twins.
  • 00:08:32.280 --> 00:08:33.180
  • And then I have another sister,
  • 00:08:33.180 --> 00:08:35.000
  • a brother, and a sister 'cause
  • 00:08:35.000 --> 00:08:36.140
  • Hispanics have lots of kids,
  • 00:08:36.140 --> 00:08:37.160
  • John, lots of kids.
  • 00:08:37.160 --> 00:08:38.200
  • - John: Wow.
  • 00:08:38.200 --> 00:08:39.060
  • How 'bout them?
  • 00:08:39.060 --> 00:08:39.250
  • Did they get married?
  • 00:08:39.250 --> 00:08:40.230
  • - Bianca: Well, the funny thing
  • 00:08:40.230 --> 00:08:41.120
  • was is my twin sister and
  • 00:08:41.120 --> 00:08:43.040
  • I lived parallel lives.
  • 00:08:43.040 --> 00:08:44.020
  • So we did a lot of things
  • 00:08:44.020 --> 00:08:44.290
  • in tandem.
  • 00:08:44.290 --> 00:08:45.250
  • And most of the time they
  • 00:08:45.250 --> 00:08:47.020
  • coincided seamlessly.
  • 00:08:47.020 --> 00:08:48.220
  • If she got a job, I got a job.
  • 00:08:48.220 --> 00:08:50.070
  • If she went here,
  • 00:08:50.070 --> 00:08:50.270
  • then I went there.
  • 00:08:50.270 --> 00:08:51.200
  • But she met her now husband
  • 00:08:51.200 --> 00:08:53.200
  • in high school,
  • 00:08:53.200 --> 00:08:54.160
  • senior year of high school,
  • 00:08:54.160 --> 00:08:55.190
  • and they dated for 9 years
  • 00:08:55.190 --> 00:08:57.100
  • before they got married
  • 00:08:57.100 --> 00:08:58.090
  • because both went,
  • 00:08:58.090 --> 00:08:59.110
  • finish off high school,
  • 00:08:59.110 --> 00:09:00.080
  • finish off college,
  • 00:09:00.080 --> 00:09:01.110
  • finish off graduate school.
  • 00:09:01.110 --> 00:09:02.170
  • And so, but during that time
  • 00:09:02.170 --> 00:09:05.050
  • I was completely single.
  • 00:09:05.050 --> 00:09:06.260
  • And I think as a twin
  • 00:09:06.260 --> 00:09:08.000
  • you're born in tandem.
  • 00:09:08.000 --> 00:09:09.140
  • You share the DNA.
  • 00:09:09.140 --> 00:09:11.190
  • We shared a room.
  • 00:09:11.190 --> 00:09:12.290
  • We shared clothes.
  • 00:09:12.290 --> 00:09:13.280
  • We ended up going to college
  • 00:09:13.280 --> 00:09:14.260
  • and sharing a dorm room.
  • 00:09:14.260 --> 00:09:16.120
  • We shared everything.
  • 00:09:16.120 --> 00:09:16.290
  • So when she got married,
  • 00:09:16.290 --> 00:09:18.230
  • it really felt like I,
  • 00:09:18.230 --> 00:09:20.090
  • it felt like a divorce.
  • 00:09:20.090 --> 00:09:21.180
  • I was completely alone.
  • 00:09:21.180 --> 00:09:23.040
  • My identity was reframed.
  • 00:09:23.040 --> 00:09:25.020
  • And it was after that that
  • 00:09:25.020 --> 00:09:25.220
  • I just kinda felt like,
  • 00:09:25.220 --> 00:09:26.160
  • "In the midst of everything,
  • 00:09:26.160 --> 00:09:28.130
  • God, am I forgotten?
  • 00:09:28.130 --> 00:09:30.190
  • Worse, am I forsaken?"
  • 00:09:30.190 --> 00:09:32.070
  • - John: Wow, that's awesome.
  • 00:09:32.070 --> 00:09:33.220
  • So you were open
  • 00:09:33.220 --> 00:09:35.040
  • to the suggestion, and--
  • 00:09:35.040 --> 00:09:37.200
  • - Bianca: Begrudgingly.
  • 00:09:37.200 --> 00:09:38.160
  • - John: Yeah.
  • 00:09:38.160 --> 00:09:39.050
  • You know, we'll come back
  • 00:09:39.050 --> 00:09:39.240
  • to this and talk more about it.
  • 00:09:39.240 --> 00:09:41.010
  • But you end up actually finding
  • 00:09:41.010 --> 00:09:43.050
  • the love of your life.
  • 00:09:43.050 --> 00:09:44.030
  • And I'm so happy you have.
  • 00:09:44.030 --> 00:09:45.230
  • - Niyah: After the break, we
  • 00:09:48.000 --> 00:09:48.210
  • welcome our guest to the studio
  • 00:09:48.210 --> 00:09:50.060
  • to continue this discussion.
  • 00:09:50.060 --> 00:09:51.270
  • - Niyah: Welcome back
  • 00:09:59.260 --> 00:10:00.240
  • to "Sex, Love & Relationships."
  • 00:10:00.240 --> 00:10:02.070
  • Now, we just heard John discuss
  • 00:10:02.070 --> 00:10:04.050
  • the topic of online dating
  • 00:10:04.050 --> 00:10:05.150
  • with a lovely lady who navigated
  • 00:10:05.150 --> 00:10:07.080
  • the digital journey
  • 00:10:07.080 --> 00:10:08.050
  • and found love at the end
  • 00:10:08.050 --> 00:10:09.170
  • of the matrix.
  • 00:10:09.170 --> 00:10:10.190
  • We are so privileged to have
  • 00:10:10.190 --> 00:10:11.250
  • with us today Bianca.
  • 00:10:11.250 --> 00:10:13.140
  • Bianca, welcome.
  • 00:10:13.140 --> 00:10:14.170
  • - Bianca: Thank you.
  • 00:10:14.170 --> 00:10:15.030
  • Thank you, guys, for having me.
  • 00:10:15.030 --> 00:10:15.290
  • - Niyah: Now, I love this
  • 00:10:15.290 --> 00:10:17.100
  • because, now, you went online.
  • 00:10:17.100 --> 00:10:19.070
  • You found your husband online,
  • 00:10:19.070 --> 00:10:21.000
  • online dating, right?
  • 00:10:21.000 --> 00:10:22.010
  • - Bianca: Yes.
  • 00:10:22.010 --> 00:10:22.270
  • - Niyah:
  • 00:10:22.270 --> 00:10:23.130
  • Now, what's it like now?
  • 00:10:23.130 --> 00:10:24.010
  • Because I know there's a kinda,
  • 00:10:24.010 --> 00:10:24.250
  • like, that stigma Christians
  • 00:10:24.250 --> 00:10:26.120
  • kinda put on online dating.
  • 00:10:26.120 --> 00:10:28.190
  • - Bianca: Absolutely.
  • 00:10:28.190 --> 00:10:29.060
  • - Niyah:
  • 00:10:29.060 --> 00:10:29.220
  • "You shouldn't go online.
  • 00:10:29.220 --> 00:10:30.080
  • Just wait on the Lord,"
  • 00:10:30.080 --> 00:10:31.150
  • you know?
  • 00:10:31.150 --> 00:10:32.000
  • You're 90, "Wait on the Lord."
  • 00:10:32.000 --> 00:10:33.190
  • You know what I'm sayin'?
  • 00:10:33.190 --> 00:10:34.250
  • And you could've went online.
  • 00:10:34.250 --> 00:10:35.190
  • - Bianca: "He is faithful.
  • 00:10:35.190 --> 00:10:36.230
  • He will provide."
  • 00:10:36.230 --> 00:10:37.250
  • - Niyah: Exactly.
  • 00:10:37.250 --> 00:10:38.130
  • Now, how did you work through
  • 00:10:38.130 --> 00:10:39.140
  • that?
  • 00:10:39.140 --> 00:10:40.000
  • You know what I'm saying?
  • 00:10:40.000 --> 00:10:40.240
  • That whole, just, like,
  • 00:10:40.240 --> 00:10:41.250
  • you know, getting over that,
  • 00:10:41.250 --> 00:10:43.170
  • and just like, "You know what?
  • 00:10:43.170 --> 00:10:44.060
  • I'm gettin' online.
  • 00:10:44.060 --> 00:10:45.020
  • Where's he at?"
  • 00:10:45.020 --> 00:10:45.260
  • You know?
  • 00:10:45.260 --> 00:10:46.160
  • - Bianca: Well, I wish I had
  • 00:10:46.160 --> 00:10:47.050
  • a little bit more brazen,
  • 00:10:47.050 --> 00:10:47.270
  • bold faith because I think,
  • 00:10:47.270 --> 00:10:49.000
  • like, it took me actually
  • 00:10:49.000 --> 00:10:50.040
  • a couple years to even admit
  • 00:10:50.040 --> 00:10:51.130
  • that we met online.
  • 00:10:51.130 --> 00:10:52.240
  • It's really taboo within church.
  • 00:10:52.240 --> 00:10:54.160
  • - Niyah: It is.
  • 00:10:54.160 --> 00:10:55.030
  • - Bianca: I mean,
  • 00:10:55.030 --> 00:10:55.210
  • and especially,
  • 00:10:55.210 --> 00:10:56.070
  • I've been married 6 years,
  • 00:10:56.070 --> 00:10:57.210
  • but we've been together
  • 00:10:57.210 --> 00:10:58.070
  • for 7 and 1/2.
  • 00:10:58.070 --> 00:10:59.020
  • So 7 and 1/2 years ago it was
  • 00:10:59.020 --> 00:11:00.080
  • still relatively new.
  • 00:11:00.080 --> 00:11:02.040
  • And I think that I was kind
  • 00:11:02.040 --> 00:11:03.240
  • of embarrassed, you know?
  • 00:11:03.240 --> 00:11:05.040
  • I am a teacher and a preacher
  • 00:11:05.040 --> 00:11:06.240
  • and a Bible communicator.
  • 00:11:06.240 --> 00:11:07.250
  • And so you talk about
  • 00:11:07.250 --> 00:11:08.230
  • the sovereignty of God.
  • 00:11:08.230 --> 00:11:09.230
  • "He parted the Red Sea.
  • 00:11:09.230 --> 00:11:11.030
  • He can bring you the one."
  • 00:11:11.030 --> 00:11:12.040
  • And then you're like,
  • 00:11:12.040 --> 00:11:13.070
  • "eHarmony.com," you know?
  • 00:11:13.070 --> 00:11:15.190
  • I actually didn't wanna do it.
  • 00:11:15.190 --> 00:11:17.020
  • I have a twin sister and I love
  • 00:11:17.020 --> 00:11:18.210
  • her to bits and pieces.
  • 00:11:18.210 --> 00:11:19.260
  • She's been married now for
  • 00:11:19.260 --> 00:11:21.030
  • 12 years, at the time, 8 years.
  • 00:11:21.030 --> 00:11:22.190
  • And she had said,
  • 00:11:22.190 --> 00:11:23.180
  • "You know what?
  • 00:11:23.180 --> 00:11:24.090
  • You are at the gym.
  • 00:11:24.090 --> 00:11:26.080
  • You're in grad school.
  • 00:11:26.080 --> 00:11:26.290
  • Everyone's already
  • 00:11:26.290 --> 00:11:27.240
  • in a relationship.
  • 00:11:27.240 --> 00:11:28.100
  • You are at church and you're so
  • 00:11:28.100 --> 00:11:29.210
  • busy with ministry.
  • 00:11:29.210 --> 00:11:30.210
  • Where are you gonna meet
  • 00:11:30.210 --> 00:11:31.060
  • somebody?"
  • 00:11:31.060 --> 00:11:31.270
  • You know?
  • 00:11:31.270 --> 00:11:32.180
  • And I said,
  • 00:11:32.180 --> 00:11:34.050
  • "Well, God's gonna make a way."
  • 00:11:34.050 --> 00:11:36.080
  • And I,
  • 00:11:36.080 --> 00:11:37.070
  • 'cause I hyper-spiritualized
  • 00:11:37.070 --> 00:11:37.240
  • everything.
  • 00:11:37.240 --> 00:11:38.080
  • We have a tendency of doing
  • 00:11:38.080 --> 00:11:38.280
  • that in church, like,
  • 00:11:38.280 --> 00:11:39.290
  • "Oh, Isaac and Rebekah.
  • 00:11:39.290 --> 00:11:41.240
  • Adam and Eve.
  • 00:11:41.240 --> 00:11:42.180
  • He will make a way."
  • 00:11:42.180 --> 00:11:43.280
  • And Jasmine was just like,
  • 00:11:43.280 --> 00:11:44.230
  • "Well, how's that going
  • 00:11:44.230 --> 00:11:45.230
  • for you?"
  • 00:11:45.230 --> 00:11:47.030
  • And then I just--she did.
  • 00:11:47.030 --> 00:11:49.100
  • And I said,
  • 00:11:49.100 --> 00:11:49.250
  • "Well, I'm in ministry.
  • 00:11:49.250 --> 00:11:50.110
  • I'm in grad school.
  • 00:11:50.110 --> 00:11:50.270
  • I don't have the money."
  • 00:11:50.270 --> 00:11:51.150
  • She's like, "I'll pay for it."
  • 00:11:51.150 --> 00:11:53.030
  • So we sat there and built out
  • 00:11:53.030 --> 00:11:55.260
  • a profile, and I cried.
  • 00:11:55.260 --> 00:11:57.220
  • I said, "I've seen 'Dateline:
  • 00:11:57.220 --> 00:12:00.160
  • How to Catch a Predator.'
  • 00:12:00.160 --> 00:12:01.130
  • I'm gonna end up dead
  • 00:12:01.130 --> 00:12:02.000
  • in a ditch."
  • 00:12:02.000 --> 00:12:02.290
  • There's some interesting
  • 00:12:02.290 --> 00:12:03.200
  • characters online, friend.
  • 00:12:03.200 --> 00:12:05.280
  • Yeah, so that was kind
  • 00:12:05.280 --> 00:12:06.160
  • of the beginning of the journey.
  • 00:12:06.160 --> 00:12:07.200
  • But how do I reconcile, like,
  • 00:12:07.200 --> 00:12:09.020
  • a theology of,
  • 00:12:09.020 --> 00:12:10.060
  • "God is in control of all,"
  • 00:12:10.060 --> 00:12:12.070
  • and yet we have this free will
  • 00:12:12.070 --> 00:12:14.060
  • of, like, taking a step forward?
  • 00:12:14.060 --> 00:12:16.140
  • And I think having gone through
  • 00:12:16.140 --> 00:12:18.240
  • the process, I love talking
  • 00:12:18.240 --> 00:12:20.240
  • about how we could kind of have
  • 00:12:20.240 --> 00:12:23.100
  • some practical handles for those
  • 00:12:23.100 --> 00:12:24.060
  • that are thinking about doing
  • 00:12:24.060 --> 00:12:25.040
  • this journey.
  • 00:12:25.040 --> 00:12:25.260
  • So that's been really fun to
  • 00:12:25.260 --> 00:12:27.020
  • come in and talk about,
  • 00:12:27.020 --> 00:12:28.220
  • and I love the conversation
  • 00:12:28.220 --> 00:12:29.210
  • that we are having today.
  • 00:12:29.210 --> 00:12:31.110
  • - Helen: So can you help
  • 00:12:31.110 --> 00:12:31.280
  • us with that?
  • 00:12:31.280 --> 00:12:32.190
  • Because I do think that people
  • 00:12:32.190 --> 00:12:34.050
  • assume that if you're
  • 00:12:34.050 --> 00:12:34.280
  • online dating, you've thrown
  • 00:12:34.280 --> 00:12:37.000
  • away the rule book.
  • 00:12:37.000 --> 00:12:38.070
  • But I think that even as you
  • 00:12:38.070 --> 00:12:39.220
  • learn to meet someone even
  • 00:12:39.220 --> 00:12:40.260
  • at church, and you have,
  • 00:12:40.260 --> 00:12:42.120
  • you know, kind of a protocol,
  • 00:12:42.120 --> 00:12:43.130
  • if you will,
  • 00:12:43.130 --> 00:12:45.040
  • the right way to do it
  • 00:12:45.040 --> 00:12:45.260
  • and a wrong way to do it.
  • 00:12:45.260 --> 00:12:46.290
  • So what are some of the things
  • 00:12:46.290 --> 00:12:47.270
  • that you learnt and would
  • 00:12:47.270 --> 00:12:48.270
  • recommend to somebody out there?
  • 00:12:48.270 --> 00:12:50.080
  • 'Cause I think,
  • 00:12:50.080 --> 00:12:50.280
  • when we first started teaching
  • 00:12:50.280 --> 00:12:52.030
  • on relationship,
  • 00:12:52.030 --> 00:12:52.280
  • we just thought,
  • 00:12:52.280 --> 00:12:53.130
  • "No, no, no, no.
  • 00:12:53.130 --> 00:12:54.100
  • You do not meet somebody
  • 00:12:54.100 --> 00:12:55.150
  • online."
  • 00:12:55.150 --> 00:12:56.090
  • But that would have been
  • 00:12:56.090 --> 00:12:56.260
  • 20 years ago.
  • 00:12:56.260 --> 00:12:58.000
  • So today I realize it's a very
  • 00:12:58.000 --> 00:12:59.260
  • beautiful, viable option.
  • 00:12:59.260 --> 00:13:01.100
  • But there's still
  • 00:13:01.100 --> 00:13:02.190
  • practical things to adhere to.
  • 00:13:02.190 --> 00:13:04.130
  • So give us some of those.
  • 00:13:04.130 --> 00:13:05.050
  • - Bianca: So I would say,
  • 00:13:05.050 --> 00:13:05.280
  • in the scope of dating,
  • 00:13:05.280 --> 00:13:07.070
  • whether online
  • 00:13:07.070 --> 00:13:08.000
  • or you meet at church
  • 00:13:08.000 --> 00:13:09.160
  • or you meet at coffee
  • 00:13:09.160 --> 00:13:10.070
  • or you meet in the university,
  • 00:13:10.070 --> 00:13:11.070
  • I think that there's just some
  • 00:13:11.070 --> 00:13:12.220
  • basic, like, ground rules
  • 00:13:12.220 --> 00:13:14.040
  • that we should set
  • 00:13:14.040 --> 00:13:14.230
  • as Christians,
  • 00:13:14.230 --> 00:13:15.210
  • specifically for women.
  • 00:13:15.210 --> 00:13:17.030
  • Does this brother love Jesus?
  • 00:13:17.030 --> 00:13:18.250
  • - Niyah: There we go.
  • 00:13:18.250 --> 00:13:19.160
  • - Bianca: Does he love Jesus?
  • 00:13:19.160 --> 00:13:21.000
  • Because I'm meeting way too many
  • 00:13:21.000 --> 00:13:22.020
  • women that are compromising.
  • 00:13:22.020 --> 00:13:23.110
  • They're like, "He's so hot."
  • 00:13:23.110 --> 00:13:24.180
  • So is hell.
  • 00:13:24.180 --> 00:13:25.180
  • But you know what?
  • 00:13:25.180 --> 00:13:26.110
  • Jesus--run away, "Bye."
  • 00:13:26.110 --> 00:13:28.280
  • Or in the words of Beyoncé,
  • 00:13:28.280 --> 00:13:29.250
  • "Tell 'em--"
  • 00:13:29.250 --> 00:13:30.100
  • - both: "Bye-bye."
  • 00:13:30.100 --> 00:13:31.060
  • - Bianca: Just, "Goodbye."
  • 00:13:31.060 --> 00:13:31.290
  • Nope, not the one for you.
  • 00:13:31.290 --> 00:13:33.080
  • And that not if he speaks
  • 00:13:33.080 --> 00:13:34.110
  • Christianese
  • 00:13:34.110 --> 00:13:35.080
  • or carries a 10-pound Bible.
  • 00:13:35.080 --> 00:13:37.060
  • No, no, no.
  • 00:13:37.060 --> 00:13:38.080
  • Does he love Jesus?
  • 00:13:38.080 --> 00:13:39.220
  • 'Cause if he doesn't love Jesus,
  • 00:13:39.220 --> 00:13:41.040
  • he will not love you the way
  • 00:13:41.040 --> 00:13:42.240
  • that you need to be loved.
  • 00:13:42.240 --> 00:13:43.200
  • - John: So your husband's from
  • 00:13:43.200 --> 00:13:45.120
  • Minneapolis?
  • 00:13:45.120 --> 00:13:46.030
  • - Bianca: He is.
  • 00:13:46.030 --> 00:13:46.250
  • "Oh, don'tcha know?"
  • 00:13:46.250 --> 00:13:48.050
  • They're Minnesotans.
  • 00:13:48.050 --> 00:13:49.150
  • He doesn't talk like that,
  • 00:13:49.150 --> 00:13:50.200
  • though.
  • 00:13:50.200 --> 00:13:51.120
  • - John: So how did you know
  • 00:13:51.120 --> 00:13:52.070
  • that he loved Jesus,
  • 00:13:52.070 --> 00:13:54.090
  • had a real job, and all of,
  • 00:13:54.090 --> 00:13:56.050
  • you know?
  • 00:13:56.050 --> 00:13:56.200
  • Like, we always said,
  • 00:13:56.200 --> 00:13:57.220
  • "You can't know someone outside
  • 00:13:57.220 --> 00:13:59.000
  • of their environment."
  • 00:13:59.000 --> 00:14:00.050
  • - Bianca: Absolutely.
  • 00:14:00.050 --> 00:14:00.250
  • - John: How did you know that?
  • 00:14:00.250 --> 00:14:02.030
  • - Bianca: Okay, well,
  • 00:14:02.030 --> 00:14:02.220
  • my story--
  • 00:14:02.220 --> 00:14:03.090
  • - John: How'd you discover
  • 00:14:03.090 --> 00:14:03.260
  • that?
  • 00:14:03.260 --> 00:14:04.110
  • - Bianca: I know my story's
  • 00:14:04.110 --> 00:14:04.280
  • a little bit different.
  • 00:14:04.280 --> 00:14:05.130
  • So we did meet online.
  • 00:14:05.130 --> 00:14:06.260
  • And when I filled out my
  • 00:14:06.260 --> 00:14:08.000
  • profile, there was two things
  • 00:14:08.000 --> 00:14:09.080
  • that I said I didn't want.
  • 00:14:09.080 --> 00:14:10.100
  • I didn't want someone who was
  • 00:14:10.100 --> 00:14:11.090
  • divorced, and I didn't want
  • 00:14:11.090 --> 00:14:12.070
  • someone with children.
  • 00:14:12.070 --> 00:14:13.210
  • And God has such a funny
  • 00:14:13.210 --> 00:14:14.240
  • sense of humor.
  • 00:14:14.240 --> 00:14:15.230
  • He has such a funny
  • 00:14:15.230 --> 00:14:16.100
  • sense of humor.
  • 00:14:16.100 --> 00:14:17.070
  • I did eHarmony, and eHarmony
  • 00:14:17.070 --> 00:14:19.000
  • has something called
  • 00:14:19.000 --> 00:14:19.220
  • "the flexible match."
  • 00:14:19.220 --> 00:14:20.290
  • Meaning that there is something
  • 00:14:20.290 --> 00:14:21.190
  • in your profile,
  • 00:14:21.190 --> 00:14:23.050
  • or in his profile,
  • 00:14:23.050 --> 00:14:24.080
  • that you said that you didn't
  • 00:14:24.080 --> 00:14:25.150
  • want but you are very compatible
  • 00:14:25.150 --> 00:14:26.240
  • in other areas.
  • 00:14:26.240 --> 00:14:27.290
  • So I read his profile
  • 00:14:27.290 --> 00:14:29.080
  • and I saw that the most
  • 00:14:29.080 --> 00:14:30.150
  • influential person in his life
  • 00:14:30.150 --> 00:14:31.070
  • was his pastor.
  • 00:14:31.070 --> 00:14:32.130
  • The last book he read
  • 00:14:32.130 --> 00:14:33.150
  • was Dan Allender's
  • 00:14:33.150 --> 00:14:34.150
  • "Leading With a Limp."
  • 00:14:34.150 --> 00:14:35.120
  • He could spell.
  • 00:14:35.120 --> 00:14:36.280
  • Basics, friends.
  • 00:14:36.280 --> 00:14:38.020
  • Basics, c'mon, you know.
  • 00:14:38.020 --> 00:14:39.160
  • You know.
  • 00:14:39.160 --> 00:14:40.070
  • If you've done online dating,
  • 00:14:40.070 --> 00:14:41.050
  • you know, like,
  • 00:14:41.050 --> 00:14:41.250
  • there's a difference between
  • 00:14:41.250 --> 00:14:42.250
  • there, their, and they're.
  • 00:14:42.250 --> 00:14:43.260
  • Please, please, please.
  • 00:14:43.260 --> 00:14:45.270
  • Proverbs tells us,
  • 00:14:45.270 --> 00:14:46.170
  • "There's wisdom,"
  • 00:14:46.170 --> 00:14:47.080
  • c'mon, friends.
  • 00:14:47.080 --> 00:14:48.060
  • - Niyah: C'mon, keep it comin'.
  • 00:14:48.060 --> 00:14:49.030
  • - Bianca: So I did know that
  • 00:14:49.030 --> 00:14:51.040
  • he had some, like,
  • 00:14:51.040 --> 00:14:52.200
  • a modicum of spiritual depth
  • 00:14:52.200 --> 00:14:54.260
  • just from what I saw.
  • 00:14:54.260 --> 00:14:56.080
  • But then going in
  • 00:14:56.080 --> 00:14:57.040
  • and delving into his story.
  • 00:14:57.040 --> 00:14:59.020
  • He didn't list that he was
  • 00:14:59.020 --> 00:14:59.230
  • a pastor,
  • 00:14:59.230 --> 00:15:00.120
  • and I appreciated that.
  • 00:15:00.120 --> 00:15:01.080
  • Because as a pastor's kid,
  • 00:15:01.080 --> 00:15:02.090
  • I'm like, a little leery,
  • 00:15:02.090 --> 00:15:04.060
  • you know?
  • 00:15:04.060 --> 00:15:05.140
  • Bless.
  • 00:15:05.140 --> 00:15:06.270
  • But I met him and I heard
  • 00:15:06.270 --> 00:15:08.280
  • his story and how he believed
  • 00:15:08.280 --> 00:15:10.230
  • in love having lost love.
  • 00:15:10.230 --> 00:15:13.210
  • He believed in reconciliation
  • 00:15:13.260 --> 00:15:16.260
  • and redemption.
  • 00:15:16.260 --> 00:15:18.070
  • And he spoke about the potential
  • 00:15:18.070 --> 00:15:20.090
  • of what marriage could
  • 00:15:20.090 --> 00:15:21.010
  • and should be.
  • 00:15:21.010 --> 00:15:22.070
  • And he painted such a vision,
  • 00:15:22.070 --> 00:15:24.170
  • a heart for the church,
  • 00:15:24.170 --> 00:15:25.160
  • a heart for God's people,
  • 00:15:25.160 --> 00:15:26.270
  • and a heart for his family,
  • 00:15:26.270 --> 00:15:28.050
  • that I'm like, literally,
  • 00:15:28.050 --> 00:15:29.220
  • I don't believe in love
  • 00:15:29.220 --> 00:15:30.140
  • at first sight.
  • 00:15:30.140 --> 00:15:30.290
  • I preach against love
  • 00:15:30.290 --> 00:15:31.190
  • at first sight, whatever.
  • 00:15:31.190 --> 00:15:32.200
  • And definitely not,
  • 00:15:32.200 --> 00:15:33.100
  • against lust at first sight.
  • 00:15:33.100 --> 00:15:34.120
  • Lord Jesus, take the wheel.
  • 00:15:34.120 --> 00:15:35.240
  • Mmm, mm, no, no, no.
  • 00:15:35.240 --> 00:15:36.120
  • We don't wanna do that.
  • 00:15:36.120 --> 00:15:37.170
  • - Niyah: C'mon.
  • 00:15:37.170 --> 00:15:38.040
  • - Bianca: But on our second
  • 00:15:38.040 --> 00:15:38.230
  • date, I was like, "How do I get
  • 00:15:38.230 --> 00:15:40.150
  • this guy to marry me?"
  • 00:15:40.150 --> 00:15:41.200
  • 'Cause he had a heart
  • 00:15:41.200 --> 00:15:42.200
  • after Jesus.
  • 00:15:42.200 --> 00:15:44.050
  • And we didn't mess around.
  • 00:15:44.050 --> 00:15:45.080
  • DTR, you just gotta
  • 00:15:45.080 --> 00:15:46.130
  • define the relationship.
  • 00:15:46.130 --> 00:15:47.250
  • "Are we in?
  • 00:15:47.250 --> 00:15:48.170
  • Are you feelin' what
  • 00:15:48.170 --> 00:15:49.050
  • I'm feeling?
  • 00:15:49.050 --> 00:15:49.220
  • You're feeling what I'm feeling?
  • 00:15:49.220 --> 00:15:50.120
  • Okay--"
  • 00:15:50.120 --> 00:15:50.290
  • - Niyah: What's DTR?
  • 00:15:50.290 --> 00:15:52.030
  • - Bianca:
  • 00:15:52.030 --> 00:15:52.190
  • Defining the relationship.
  • 00:15:52.190 --> 00:15:53.120
  • - Niyah: Got it.
  • 00:15:53.120 --> 00:15:53.280
  • Defining, okay, wow--
  • 00:15:53.280 --> 00:15:55.060
  • - Bianca: We have to.
  • 00:15:55.060 --> 00:15:55.230
  • Because here's the thing.
  • 00:15:55.230 --> 00:15:56.210
  • So many times in church,
  • 00:15:56.210 --> 00:15:57.270
  • if a guy asks a girl for coffee,
  • 00:15:57.270 --> 00:15:59.170
  • you know, sometimes in our
  • 00:15:59.170 --> 00:16:01.140
  • excitement, or in our stupidity,
  • 00:16:01.140 --> 00:16:04.090
  • maybe, we automatically think,
  • 00:16:04.090 --> 00:16:06.190
  • "Oh, he's gonna put a ring
  • 00:16:06.190 --> 00:16:07.160
  • on it.
  • 00:16:07.160 --> 00:16:08.040
  • Glory to God.
  • 00:16:08.040 --> 00:16:08.280
  • I'm already changing
  • 00:16:08.280 --> 00:16:09.190
  • my last name."
  • 00:16:09.190 --> 00:16:10.230
  • You know?
  • 00:16:10.230 --> 00:16:12.000
  • But the truth is,
  • 00:16:12.000 --> 00:16:13.030
  • how do we get to know each other
  • 00:16:13.030 --> 00:16:14.140
  • in a safe space and then give
  • 00:16:14.140 --> 00:16:15.260
  • our self the permission
  • 00:16:15.260 --> 00:16:18.070
  • to just be cool,
  • 00:16:18.070 --> 00:16:19.210
  • to just be friends?
  • 00:16:19.210 --> 00:16:21.020
  • We could date,
  • 00:16:21.020 --> 00:16:22.000
  • but we don't have
  • 00:16:22.000 --> 00:16:22.160
  • to get married, you know?
  • 00:16:22.160 --> 00:16:23.090
  • - Niyah:
  • 00:16:23.090 --> 00:16:23.250
  • Well, I have to ask you.
  • 00:16:23.250 --> 00:16:24.150
  • Okay, you're online.
  • 00:16:24.150 --> 00:16:25.060
  • Okay, they said,
  • 00:16:25.060 --> 00:16:25.230
  • "Okay, I'm signing up."
  • 00:16:25.230 --> 00:16:26.170
  • But then what's, how,
  • 00:16:26.170 --> 00:16:27.160
  • what's the signs of you're going
  • 00:16:27.160 --> 00:16:28.120
  • down the wrong path?
  • 00:16:28.120 --> 00:16:29.080
  • Like, "This is--"
  • 00:16:29.080 --> 00:16:30.050
  • - Bianca: Oh, and I could give
  • 00:16:30.050 --> 00:16:31.080
  • you wisdom from mistakes.
  • 00:16:31.080 --> 00:16:32.250
  • Because I was embarrassed
  • 00:16:32.250 --> 00:16:34.000
  • of online dating,
  • 00:16:34.000 --> 00:16:35.040
  • I didn't bring in community.
  • 00:16:35.040 --> 00:16:36.220
  • I had my sister
  • 00:16:36.220 --> 00:16:37.290
  • and one other friend, right?
  • 00:16:37.290 --> 00:16:39.090
  • - Helen: Yeah, big one.
  • 00:16:39.090 --> 00:16:40.060
  • - Bianca: So what are some
  • 00:16:40.060 --> 00:16:41.030
  • learning blocks or handles that
  • 00:16:41.030 --> 00:16:43.030
  • we could hold onto?
  • 00:16:43.030 --> 00:16:44.080
  • Bringing in community
  • 00:16:44.080 --> 00:16:45.200
  • for accountability.
  • 00:16:45.200 --> 00:16:46.150
  • If this was anyone else, like,
  • 00:16:46.150 --> 00:16:48.140
  • in the church, I would want them
  • 00:16:48.140 --> 00:16:49.280
  • to meet this person
  • 00:16:49.280 --> 00:16:50.270
  • or hear about this person
  • 00:16:50.270 --> 00:16:52.060
  • and give viable feedback.
  • 00:16:52.060 --> 00:16:54.100
  • So bringing in community.
  • 00:16:54.100 --> 00:16:55.270
  • Making sure they have
  • 00:16:55.270 --> 00:16:56.160
  • an authentic walk
  • 00:16:56.160 --> 00:16:58.020
  • and relationship with
  • 00:16:58.020 --> 00:16:58.200
  • the Lord Jesus Christ.
  • 00:16:58.200 --> 00:16:59.290
  • And then, what are common goals?
  • 00:16:59.290 --> 00:17:01.180
  • Like, are you guys pacing
  • 00:17:01.180 --> 00:17:02.140
  • at the same level?
  • 00:17:02.140 --> 00:17:03.160
  • Those are just three little
  • 00:17:03.160 --> 00:17:04.120
  • basic things to kind
  • 00:17:04.120 --> 00:17:05.230
  • of recalibrate and make sure
  • 00:17:05.230 --> 00:17:07.100
  • our posture is very similar.
  • 00:17:07.100 --> 00:17:08.290
  • - Helen: So good.
  • 00:17:08.290 --> 00:17:10.060
  • That was one of the things.
  • 00:17:10.060 --> 00:17:11.000
  • I think if we're afraid to bring
  • 00:17:11.000 --> 00:17:12.070
  • somebody in,
  • 00:17:12.070 --> 00:17:13.120
  • we're in a dangerous place.
  • 00:17:13.120 --> 00:17:14.170
  • - Bianca: Absolutely.
  • 00:17:14.170 --> 00:17:15.160
  • Absolutely.
  • 00:17:15.160 --> 00:17:16.010
  • We're prone to the enemy
  • 00:17:16.010 --> 00:17:16.260
  • creeping in
  • 00:17:16.260 --> 00:17:17.170
  • and then whispering lies
  • 00:17:17.170 --> 00:17:18.160
  • or taking us to places we
  • 00:17:18.160 --> 00:17:19.210
  • shouldn't go.
  • 00:17:19.210 --> 00:17:21.000
  • How do we leave room
  • 00:17:21.000 --> 00:17:21.260
  • for the Holy Spirit,
  • 00:17:21.260 --> 00:17:22.210
  • if you know what I mean?
  • 00:17:22.210 --> 00:17:23.250
  • Ha, ha, ha, ha.
  • 00:17:23.250 --> 00:17:24.280
  • So if we invite Jesus in,
  • 00:17:24.280 --> 00:17:26.210
  • we invite our community in,
  • 00:17:26.210 --> 00:17:27.240
  • and we're honest
  • 00:17:27.240 --> 00:17:28.210
  • in our conversations,
  • 00:17:28.210 --> 00:17:29.110
  • I think that could save
  • 00:17:29.110 --> 00:17:30.090
  • a lot of broken hearts.
  • 00:17:30.090 --> 00:17:31.080
  • - Niyah: Oh, Bianca,
  • 00:17:31.080 --> 00:17:32.010
  • you are awesome.
  • 00:17:32.010 --> 00:17:33.010
  • I'm lovin' this.
  • 00:17:33.010 --> 00:17:33.240
  • I wanna talk more about this,
  • 00:17:33.240 --> 00:17:34.290
  • but we're running out of time.
  • 00:17:34.290 --> 00:17:36.080
  • And so after the break, more on
  • 00:17:36.080 --> 00:17:37.270
  • "Sex, Love & Relationships"
  • 00:17:37.270 --> 00:17:39.110
  • with John and Helen Burns.
  • 00:17:39.110 --> 00:17:40.230
  • You don't wanna go anywhere.
  • 00:17:40.230 --> 00:17:42.110
  • - Niyah: Well, welcome back
  • 00:17:50.030 --> 00:17:50.240
  • to "Sex, Love & Relationships,"
  • 00:17:50.240 --> 00:17:52.060
  • where we're literally fielding
  • 00:17:52.060 --> 00:17:53.110
  • questions from all over
  • 00:17:53.110 --> 00:17:54.160
  • the world.
  • 00:17:54.160 --> 00:17:55.080
  • Today we're discussing
  • 00:17:55.080 --> 00:17:56.080
  • trending topics with our
  • 00:17:56.080 --> 00:17:57.050
  • overarching theme
  • 00:17:57.050 --> 00:17:58.170
  • of "Sex, Love & Relationships."
  • 00:17:58.170 --> 00:18:00.140
  • Let's check out today's
  • 00:18:00.140 --> 00:18:01.090
  • question.
  • 00:18:01.090 --> 00:18:02.230
  • - male: So the question is:
  • 00:18:02.230 --> 00:18:04.050
  • how do you properly ask someone
  • 00:18:04.050 --> 00:18:05.260
  • on a date?
  • 00:18:05.260 --> 00:18:07.030
  • Hmm.
  • 00:18:07.030 --> 00:18:08.110
  • - Niyah: Hmm.
  • 00:18:08.110 --> 00:18:09.030
  • - Helen: Whew, with that
  • 00:18:09.030 --> 00:18:09.190
  • accent.
  • 00:18:09.190 --> 00:18:10.080
  • I don't think that would be hard
  • 00:18:10.080 --> 00:18:11.200
  • to do it in a proper manner.
  • 00:18:11.200 --> 00:18:14.200
  • - Niyah: Oh, wow.
  • 00:18:14.200 --> 00:18:15.250
  • Well, that's a good question.
  • 00:18:15.250 --> 00:18:16.250
  • How do you properly--?
  • 00:18:16.250 --> 00:18:18.000
  • I mean, dating throughout
  • 00:18:18.000 --> 00:18:19.060
  • the years has changed so much,
  • 00:18:19.060 --> 00:18:20.230
  • right, how you ask a woman on
  • 00:18:20.230 --> 00:18:22.120
  • a date or ask--would you?
  • 00:18:22.120 --> 00:18:24.090
  • Nowadays, you can ask a man
  • 00:18:24.090 --> 00:18:25.280
  • on a date, right?
  • 00:18:25.280 --> 00:18:26.200
  • Back then you probably
  • 00:18:26.200 --> 00:18:27.100
  • wouldn't have done it.
  • 00:18:27.100 --> 00:18:28.060
  • But I mean, with social media,
  • 00:18:28.060 --> 00:18:30.210
  • technology,
  • 00:18:30.210 --> 00:18:31.120
  • but what's the right way?
  • 00:18:31.120 --> 00:18:33.150
  • What do you think?
  • 00:18:33.150 --> 00:18:34.080
  • - John: Well, I don't know
  • 00:18:34.080 --> 00:18:34.250
  • the right way.
  • 00:18:34.250 --> 00:18:35.110
  • But I know that if I went way
  • 00:18:35.110 --> 00:18:36.220
  • back, I know the wrong way.
  • 00:18:36.220 --> 00:18:38.080
  • Ha, ha, ha, ha.
  • 00:18:38.080 --> 00:18:39.220
  • I had no idea.
  • 00:18:39.220 --> 00:18:41.140
  • There was no talk back then.
  • 00:18:41.140 --> 00:18:43.130
  • I didn't, you know, my dad
  • 00:18:43.130 --> 00:18:45.150
  • didn't tell me.
  • 00:18:45.150 --> 00:18:46.120
  • I didn't learn.
  • 00:18:46.120 --> 00:18:47.150
  • And I would love to be today a
  • 00:18:47.150 --> 00:18:50.150
  • young man that actually somebody
  • 00:18:50.150 --> 00:18:52.050
  • told you how to do what you
  • 00:18:52.050 --> 00:18:54.060
  • wanna do.
  • 00:18:54.060 --> 00:18:54.270
  • 'Cause when you have that
  • 00:18:54.270 --> 00:18:56.090
  • twinkle in your eye
  • 00:18:56.090 --> 00:18:57.190
  • and you really like that girl
  • 00:18:57.190 --> 00:19:00.080
  • and you want,
  • 00:19:00.080 --> 00:19:01.200
  • you don't wanna mess it up.
  • 00:19:01.200 --> 00:19:02.250
  • You wanna do it right.
  • 00:19:02.250 --> 00:19:03.250
  • So I think there's guys out
  • 00:19:03.250 --> 00:19:05.200
  • there watching that were like me
  • 00:19:05.200 --> 00:19:07.240
  • that don't have a clue
  • 00:19:07.240 --> 00:19:08.280
  • and they want you to tell them.
  • 00:19:08.290 --> 00:19:11.290
  • How would you like it if someone
  • 00:19:11.290 --> 00:19:14.250
  • was coming to you to invite you
  • 00:19:14.250 --> 00:19:16.110
  • on a date?
  • 00:19:16.110 --> 00:19:17.020
  • C'mon, Niyah.
  • 00:19:17.020 --> 00:19:18.020
  • How would you like to be--?
  • 00:19:18.020 --> 00:19:19.290
  • - Helen: Ah, I think we'll put
  • 00:19:19.290 --> 00:19:20.190
  • her on the spot.
  • 00:19:20.190 --> 00:19:22.000
  • - Niyah: Well, you know what?
  • 00:19:22.000 --> 00:19:22.190
  • I think I would like for him
  • 00:19:22.190 --> 00:19:23.230
  • to kinda get in my world.
  • 00:19:23.230 --> 00:19:25.050
  • Nothing so, just kinda like,
  • 00:19:25.050 --> 00:19:26.240
  • "Oh, excuse me, hey."
  • 00:19:26.240 --> 00:19:27.240
  • Like, you know,
  • 00:19:27.240 --> 00:19:28.090
  • I'm from New York.
  • 00:19:28.090 --> 00:19:29.100
  • So, you know, we're very much,
  • 00:19:29.100 --> 00:19:30.140
  • "If you see something,
  • 00:19:30.140 --> 00:19:31.050
  • you say something."
  • 00:19:31.050 --> 00:19:31.270
  • So if he sees you, he's like,
  • 00:19:31.270 --> 00:19:33.110
  • "Hey," you know,
  • 00:19:33.110 --> 00:19:34.010
  • "how are you doin'?"
  • 00:19:34.010 --> 00:19:34.260
  • You know,
  • 00:19:34.260 --> 00:19:35.120
  • "Can I get your phone number?"
  • 00:19:35.120 --> 00:19:36.000
  • I'm like, "Ooh, well this is a,
  • 00:19:36.000 --> 00:19:37.040
  • I don't know you or anything
  • 00:19:37.040 --> 00:19:37.270
  • like that."
  • 00:19:37.270 --> 00:19:38.120
  • So I would like him, if,
  • 00:19:38.120 --> 00:19:39.280
  • you know, of course,
  • 00:19:39.280 --> 00:19:40.180
  • to meet him in church,
  • 00:19:40.180 --> 00:19:41.160
  • and for him to get in my world
  • 00:19:41.160 --> 00:19:43.050
  • a little bit and kinda,
  • 00:19:43.050 --> 00:19:44.110
  • you know, sneak in there
  • 00:19:44.110 --> 00:19:45.170
  • somehow, you know,
  • 00:19:45.170 --> 00:19:46.200
  • become my friend.
  • 00:19:46.200 --> 00:19:47.170
  • And then kinda go in for the,
  • 00:19:47.170 --> 00:19:49.220
  • "Hey, let's go out for coffee,"
  • 00:19:49.220 --> 00:19:50.200
  • or something like that.
  • 00:19:50.200 --> 00:19:51.220
  • So, you know,
  • 00:19:51.220 --> 00:19:52.080
  • something nice like that.
  • 00:19:52.080 --> 00:19:53.070
  • But kinda, like,
  • 00:19:53.070 --> 00:19:54.150
  • straightforward, direct,
  • 00:19:54.150 --> 00:19:55.170
  • "I saw you," and just don't even
  • 00:19:55.170 --> 00:19:56.190
  • know me, it's like, "Hey."
  • 00:19:56.190 --> 00:19:57.240
  • I'm just kinda like, "Oh,
  • 00:19:57.240 --> 00:19:58.270
  • that might be a little too--"
  • 00:19:58.270 --> 00:20:00.080
  • - Helen: That is great advice.
  • 00:20:00.080 --> 00:20:00.270
  • I think it would throw me off
  • 00:20:00.270 --> 00:20:01.290
  • too if it was just someone too
  • 00:20:01.290 --> 00:20:03.210
  • bold and too forward
  • 00:20:03.210 --> 00:20:04.240
  • and I don't know you.
  • 00:20:04.240 --> 00:20:06.180
  • I don't know if I could trust
  • 00:20:06.180 --> 00:20:07.160
  • you.
  • 00:20:07.160 --> 00:20:08.140
  • But there is something about
  • 00:20:08.140 --> 00:20:10.030
  • a man having the strength to
  • 00:20:10.030 --> 00:20:11.220
  • actually be bold enough to come
  • 00:20:12.050 --> 00:20:15.050
  • up to you and ask you not,
  • 00:20:15.050 --> 00:20:17.140
  • you know, not to kinda,
  • 00:20:17.140 --> 00:20:18.150
  • "Can you find out if she kinda
  • 00:20:18.150 --> 00:20:19.160
  • likes me?"
  • 00:20:19.160 --> 00:20:20.220
  • That's kinda high school like,
  • 00:20:20.220 --> 00:20:22.110
  • and that happens in high school.
  • 00:20:22.110 --> 00:20:24.010
  • But to actually have the courage
  • 00:20:24.010 --> 00:20:25.120
  • to say, "You know, did you wanna
  • 00:20:25.120 --> 00:20:26.270
  • go have a cup of coffee?"
  • 00:20:26.270 --> 00:20:27.170
  • It doesn't have to be
  • 00:20:27.170 --> 00:20:28.140
  • fine dining, and it doesn't have
  • 00:20:28.140 --> 00:20:29.260
  • to be, you know,
  • 00:20:29.260 --> 00:20:31.200
  • going off on some
  • 00:20:31.200 --> 00:20:32.210
  • grand adventure.
  • 00:20:32.210 --> 00:20:33.130
  • But just to spend enough time--
  • 00:20:33.130 --> 00:20:35.050
  • - Niyah: You know what funny
  • 00:20:35.050 --> 00:20:35.290
  • is?
  • 00:20:35.290 --> 00:20:36.150
  • 'Cause I've actually
  • 00:20:36.150 --> 00:20:37.130
  • thought about this
  • 00:20:37.130 --> 00:20:38.010
  • and everything like that.
  • 00:20:38.010 --> 00:20:39.030
  • I think there's a pressure on it
  • 00:20:39.030 --> 00:20:40.170
  • when sometimes--well,
  • 00:20:40.170 --> 00:20:41.150
  • this is just for me.
  • 00:20:41.150 --> 00:20:42.170
  • If a guy comes and asks me out,
  • 00:20:42.170 --> 00:20:43.190
  • you know, to dinner or something
  • 00:20:43.190 --> 00:20:45.090
  • like that, I'm kinda like,
  • 00:20:45.090 --> 00:20:46.160
  • "Okay, this is a date."
  • 00:20:46.160 --> 00:20:48.020
  • So then you kinda have to put on
  • 00:20:48.020 --> 00:20:48.290
  • your best, you know, behavior,
  • 00:20:48.290 --> 00:20:50.240
  • and kinda, you subconsciously
  • 00:20:50.240 --> 00:20:53.040
  • kinda do it whether you wanna
  • 00:20:53.040 --> 00:20:54.040
  • do it or not.
  • 00:20:54.040 --> 00:20:55.010
  • But I would like for him
  • 00:20:55.010 --> 00:20:55.290
  • to kinda set it up without
  • 00:20:55.290 --> 00:20:57.020
  • setting it up.
  • 00:20:57.020 --> 00:20:57.220
  • So kinda, where, like,
  • 00:20:57.220 --> 00:20:59.020
  • a group date, in a sense,
  • 00:20:59.020 --> 00:21:00.060
  • but not let me know it's a date.
  • 00:21:00.060 --> 00:21:02.110
  • And he's checkin' me out,
  • 00:21:02.110 --> 00:21:03.150
  • and he sees, you know?
  • 00:21:03.150 --> 00:21:04.200
  • Because what happens
  • 00:21:04.200 --> 00:21:05.100
  • is sometimes you go on the date
  • 00:21:05.100 --> 00:21:06.080
  • and then the girl's really
  • 00:21:06.080 --> 00:21:07.290
  • likin' the guy,
  • 00:21:07.290 --> 00:21:08.240
  • and the guy's like,
  • 00:21:08.240 --> 00:21:09.160
  • "Hmm, well, this might not be
  • 00:21:09.160 --> 00:21:10.180
  • what I was thinking of."
  • 00:21:10.180 --> 00:21:11.290
  • And now the girl's heartbroken
  • 00:21:11.290 --> 00:21:13.130
  • because you went on that date.
  • 00:21:13.130 --> 00:21:14.100
  • Because sometimes a girl's,
  • 00:21:14.100 --> 00:21:15.040
  • in their mind, we go there.
  • 00:21:15.040 --> 00:21:16.160
  • You know, we've already picked
  • 00:21:16.160 --> 00:21:17.070
  • out a dress.
  • 00:21:17.070 --> 00:21:18.020
  • We already, you know what
  • 00:21:18.020 --> 00:21:18.250
  • I'm sayin'?
  • 00:21:18.250 --> 00:21:19.140
  • We got the kids' names.
  • 00:21:19.140 --> 00:21:20.150
  • But if you kinda let me know,
  • 00:21:20.150 --> 00:21:21.230
  • you know, kinda we go out on a
  • 00:21:21.230 --> 00:21:23.040
  • date without going out on a date
  • 00:21:23.040 --> 00:21:24.240
  • and you kinda get to know me
  • 00:21:24.240 --> 00:21:25.290
  • in that type setting without
  • 00:21:25.290 --> 00:21:27.050
  • setting me up in my mind, like,
  • 00:21:27.050 --> 00:21:29.020
  • "Hmm."
  • 00:21:29.020 --> 00:21:30.030
  • - John: So that's what I think
  • 00:21:30.030 --> 00:21:30.250
  • today, especially in church,
  • 00:21:30.250 --> 00:21:32.280
  • I think the very best is that,
  • 00:21:32.280 --> 00:21:34.240
  • first of all, you recognize from
  • 00:21:34.240 --> 00:21:37.030
  • a distance you can watch
  • 00:21:37.030 --> 00:21:39.040
  • that person.
  • 00:21:39.040 --> 00:21:40.000
  • And you get to know the person.
  • 00:21:40.000 --> 00:21:41.120
  • You can only get to know
  • 00:21:41.120 --> 00:21:42.070
  • a person in their environment.
  • 00:21:42.070 --> 00:21:43.190
  • So watch how they treat other
  • 00:21:43.190 --> 00:21:44.240
  • people.
  • 00:21:44.240 --> 00:21:45.190
  • Watch, you know, in church
  • 00:21:45.190 --> 00:21:47.130
  • on Sunday, you know?
  • 00:21:47.130 --> 00:21:48.180
  • Are they part of worship?
  • 00:21:48.180 --> 00:21:50.080
  • You know,
  • 00:21:50.080 --> 00:21:50.260
  • watch when the offering goes
  • 00:21:50.260 --> 00:21:52.010
  • by what they do.
  • 00:21:52.010 --> 00:21:53.160
  • You get to see them from
  • 00:21:53.160 --> 00:21:54.230
  • a distance.
  • 00:21:54.230 --> 00:21:55.140
  • And groups are really,
  • 00:21:55.140 --> 00:21:57.200
  • it's a great way to actually get
  • 00:21:57.200 --> 00:21:59.160
  • to know each other.
  • 00:21:59.160 --> 00:22:00.240
  • And you can recognize whether
  • 00:22:00.240 --> 00:22:02.280
  • they've actually noticed you
  • 00:22:02.280 --> 00:22:04.060
  • or not.
  • 00:22:04.060 --> 00:22:04.250
  • Hopefully, you know,
  • 00:22:04.250 --> 00:22:06.170
  • you walk down this road
  • 00:22:06.170 --> 00:22:07.140
  • and it makes it really not that
  • 00:22:07.140 --> 00:22:09.080
  • dangerous.
  • 00:22:09.080 --> 00:22:10.090
  • - Helen: I wanna speak up
  • 00:22:10.090 --> 00:22:10.280
  • for the men in our world as well
  • 00:22:10.280 --> 00:22:12.100
  • though.
  • 00:22:12.100 --> 00:22:12.280
  • Because we've got these, like,
  • 00:22:12.280 --> 00:22:13.210
  • our church is full
  • 00:22:13.210 --> 00:22:14.160
  • of amazing men.
  • 00:22:14.160 --> 00:22:15.220
  • And I'm watching them.
  • 00:22:15.220 --> 00:22:17.110
  • And I can see sometimes
  • 00:22:17.110 --> 00:22:18.170
  • they like a girl, and they've
  • 00:22:18.170 --> 00:22:19.150
  • done the group dating thing.
  • 00:22:19.150 --> 00:22:21.080
  • And I think sometimes they're
  • 00:22:21.080 --> 00:22:22.200
  • a little bit nervous to push
  • 00:22:22.200 --> 00:22:24.030
  • through that because they
  • 00:22:24.030 --> 00:22:25.210
  • have this great friendship
  • 00:22:25.210 --> 00:22:26.220
  • or whatever,
  • 00:22:26.220 --> 00:22:27.170
  • and, "Will that change it?
  • 00:22:27.170 --> 00:22:29.110
  • Will that wreck what we have
  • 00:22:29.110 --> 00:22:31.050
  • already?"
  • 00:22:31.050 --> 00:22:32.000
  • So there is a danger,
  • 00:22:32.000 --> 00:22:33.160
  • if you will,
  • 00:22:33.160 --> 00:22:34.010
  • or a scariness of stepping
  • 00:22:34.010 --> 00:22:35.090
  • through that.
  • 00:22:35.090 --> 00:22:36.080
  • But I think, for us as girls
  • 00:22:36.080 --> 00:22:37.210
  • too, it's okay to let them know,
  • 00:22:37.210 --> 00:22:40.130
  • "I'm interested."
  • 00:22:40.130 --> 00:22:41.150
  • - Niyah: Oh, yeah, totally.
  • 00:22:41.150 --> 00:22:42.160
  • I feel like that word
  • 00:22:42.160 --> 00:22:43.090
  • "group dating"
  • 00:22:43.090 --> 00:22:43.260
  • sounds so cheesy,
  • 00:22:43.260 --> 00:22:44.250
  • especially if you're older.
  • 00:22:44.250 --> 00:22:46.120
  • You're just like, you know,
  • 00:22:46.120 --> 00:22:47.090
  • if you're young, you know,
  • 00:22:47.090 --> 00:22:49.010
  • "Let's go on a group date."
  • 00:22:49.010 --> 00:22:49.230
  • But older, I don't wanna call
  • 00:22:49.230 --> 00:22:52.000
  • it a group date, but just, you
  • 00:22:52.000 --> 00:22:53.130
  • know, like, you get some of your
  • 00:22:53.130 --> 00:22:54.240
  • boys together, and then you come
  • 00:22:54.240 --> 00:22:55.290
  • over to me and like,
  • 00:22:55.290 --> 00:22:56.180
  • "Hey, you and your girls wanna
  • 00:22:56.180 --> 00:22:57.160
  • hang out.
  • 00:22:57.160 --> 00:22:58.020
  • We're doing something."
  • 00:22:58.020 --> 00:22:58.250
  • So you're coordinating something
  • 00:22:58.250 --> 00:23:00.120
  • without even letting me know
  • 00:23:00.120 --> 00:23:01.150
  • that you're coordinating
  • 00:23:01.150 --> 00:23:02.070
  • something.
  • 00:23:02.070 --> 00:23:02.250
  • And then you kinda just,
  • 00:23:02.250 --> 00:23:03.240
  • you know?
  • 00:23:03.240 --> 00:23:04.130
  • - John: But okay, let's walk
  • 00:23:04.130 --> 00:23:05.010
  • down that road.
  • 00:23:05.010 --> 00:23:06.060
  • You've noticed him.
  • 00:23:06.060 --> 00:23:08.020
  • He's noticed you.
  • 00:23:08.020 --> 00:23:09.190
  • And you're kind of, you know,
  • 00:23:09.190 --> 00:23:11.130
  • kinda hoping.
  • 00:23:11.130 --> 00:23:12.160
  • And he shows up,
  • 00:23:12.160 --> 00:23:14.120
  • and now he's inviting you on
  • 00:23:14.120 --> 00:23:16.210
  • a date.
  • 00:23:16.210 --> 00:23:17.060
  • What do you picture that as?
  • 00:23:17.060 --> 00:23:18.130
  • Does he have roses?
  • 00:23:18.150 --> 00:23:21.150
  • Is he dressed?
  • 00:23:21.150 --> 00:23:23.190
  • - Niyah: That says a lot,
  • 00:23:23.190 --> 00:23:24.100
  • though.
  • 00:23:24.100 --> 00:23:24.250
  • But I love it.
  • 00:23:24.250 --> 00:23:25.200
  • - John: Tell me.
  • 00:23:25.200 --> 00:23:26.090
  • What are you expecting?
  • 00:23:26.090 --> 00:23:26.250
  • 'Cause I'm out there.
  • 00:23:26.250 --> 00:23:28.090
  • I'm in his shoes.
  • 00:23:28.090 --> 00:23:29.130
  • Help me, help me.
  • 00:23:29.130 --> 00:23:30.210
  • - Niyah: Well, roses is great.
  • 00:23:30.210 --> 00:23:32.210
  • Don't get me wrong,
  • 00:23:32.210 --> 00:23:33.130
  • but that says a lot.
  • 00:23:33.130 --> 00:23:34.200
  • That's like, "Wow."
  • 00:23:34.200 --> 00:23:35.220
  • But then it also--
  • 00:23:35.220 --> 00:23:36.170
  • - Helen: It's introducing a
  • 00:23:36.170 --> 00:23:37.040
  • romantic aspect into it already.
  • 00:23:37.040 --> 00:23:39.050
  • - Niyah: Exactly, whoo,
  • 00:23:39.050 --> 00:23:40.250
  • that's why you're the expert.
  • 00:23:40.250 --> 00:23:41.250
  • That is why you're the expert,
  • 00:23:41.250 --> 00:23:42.290
  • c'mon.
  • 00:23:42.290 --> 00:23:43.230
  • It's true.
  • 00:23:43.230 --> 00:23:44.190
  • - John: So what do you want,
  • 00:23:44.190 --> 00:23:45.070
  • you know?
  • 00:23:45.070 --> 00:23:45.220
  • What kind of flowers?
  • 00:23:45.220 --> 00:23:46.260
  • Any kind of flowers?
  • 00:23:46.260 --> 00:23:47.180
  • No.
  • 00:23:47.180 --> 00:23:48.280
  • - Niyah: I would,
  • 00:23:48.280 --> 00:23:49.140
  • you know what?
  • 00:23:49.140 --> 00:23:50.070
  • It's nice.
  • 00:23:50.070 --> 00:23:50.240
  • Don't, I wouldn't say I wouldn't
  • 00:23:50.240 --> 00:23:52.020
  • accept it.
  • 00:23:52.020 --> 00:23:52.200
  • You know, I totally would.
  • 00:23:52.200 --> 00:23:53.230
  • But I'm just looking for someone
  • 00:23:53.230 --> 00:23:54.260
  • who's thoughtful
  • 00:23:54.260 --> 00:23:55.220
  • in the first date,
  • 00:23:55.220 --> 00:23:56.170
  • you know what I'm saying?
  • 00:23:56.170 --> 00:23:57.030
  • So--
  • 00:23:57.030 --> 00:23:57.190
  • - Helen: On time.
  • 00:23:57.190 --> 00:23:58.220
  • - Niyah: Oh, a hundred percent.
  • 00:23:58.220 --> 00:23:59.160
  • If you are late, sweetheart,
  • 00:23:59.160 --> 00:24:00.260
  • oh, no, we need to talk already.
  • 00:24:00.260 --> 00:24:02.050
  • - Helen: Okay, smelling good.
  • 00:24:02.050 --> 00:24:03.060
  • - Niyah: Oh, that's a plus.
  • 00:24:03.060 --> 00:24:04.010
  • Bonus.
  • 00:24:04.010 --> 00:24:05.290
  • C'mon, bonus.
  • 00:24:05.290 --> 00:24:07.010
  • So don't come in gym clothes,
  • 00:24:07.010 --> 00:24:08.190
  • okay?
  • 00:24:08.190 --> 00:24:09.190
  • - John: So he's dressed the way
  • 00:24:09.190 --> 00:24:11.050
  • that you--
  • 00:24:11.050 --> 00:24:11.230
  • - Niyah: You don't have to have
  • 00:24:11.230 --> 00:24:12.140
  • the tux, you know?
  • 00:24:12.140 --> 00:24:13.080
  • Let's do something thoughtful,
  • 00:24:13.080 --> 00:24:14.180
  • engaging where there's
  • 00:24:14.180 --> 00:24:15.060
  • conversation.
  • 00:24:15.060 --> 00:24:15.240
  • Don't take me to the movies,
  • 00:24:15.240 --> 00:24:17.120
  • okay?
  • 00:24:17.120 --> 00:24:17.290
  • Because the movies is not
  • 00:24:17.290 --> 00:24:18.240
  • really, to me, you're not gonna
  • 00:24:18.240 --> 00:24:19.230
  • get to know me there.
  • 00:24:19.230 --> 00:24:21.010
  • And this is, like--
  • 00:24:21.010 --> 00:24:21.230
  • - John: Okay, so where do you
  • 00:24:21.230 --> 00:24:22.160
  • wanna go?
  • 00:24:22.160 --> 00:24:23.040
  • - Niyah: Well, you know what?
  • 00:24:23.040 --> 00:24:23.220
  • Find out something that I like.
  • 00:24:23.220 --> 00:24:24.110
  • - John: I'm out there, sitting,
  • 00:24:24.110 --> 00:24:25.020
  • listening.
  • 00:24:25.020 --> 00:24:26.020
  • Give me more.
  • 00:24:26.020 --> 00:24:27.040
  • Actually, just hold it a sec.
  • 00:24:27.040 --> 00:24:28.130
  • I'm gonna pause.
  • 00:24:28.130 --> 00:24:29.080
  • I'm gonna get a notebook.
  • 00:24:29.080 --> 00:24:30.180
  • - Niyah: Get a notebook.
  • 00:24:30.180 --> 00:24:31.060
  • You know, I'll tell you this.
  • 00:24:31.060 --> 00:24:32.160
  • Okay, so my boyfriend now,
  • 00:24:32.160 --> 00:24:34.100
  • he's amazing,
  • 00:24:34.100 --> 00:24:35.150
  • amazing man of God.
  • 00:24:35.150 --> 00:24:36.170
  • And you know what?
  • 00:24:36.170 --> 00:24:37.080
  • Our first date, he took me
  • 00:24:37.080 --> 00:24:38.060
  • to the Bonnie Brae House.
  • 00:24:38.060 --> 00:24:39.150
  • So, Bonnie Brae House, you know,
  • 00:24:39.150 --> 00:24:40.180
  • as far as the Azusa Pacific,
  • 00:24:40.180 --> 00:24:43.140
  • the Azusa Revival, you know?
  • 00:24:43.140 --> 00:24:45.150
  • So that was where it started.
  • 00:24:45.150 --> 00:24:47.060
  • So this was very thoughtful,
  • 00:24:47.060 --> 00:24:48.230
  • you know what I'm saying?
  • 00:24:48.230 --> 00:24:49.090
  • So we got to talk and got to
  • 00:24:49.090 --> 00:24:51.100
  • really kind of, like, "Wow."
  • 00:24:51.100 --> 00:24:52.140
  • So he put some thought into this
  • 00:24:52.140 --> 00:24:54.170
  • and just, you know,
  • 00:24:54.170 --> 00:24:55.150
  • really conjured up conversations
  • 00:24:55.150 --> 00:24:56.290
  • and different things like that.
  • 00:24:56.290 --> 00:24:58.100
  • So he knows I like history
  • 00:24:58.100 --> 00:24:59.220
  • and different things like that.
  • 00:24:59.220 --> 00:25:01.090
  • So this was amazing.
  • 00:25:01.090 --> 00:25:02.060
  • I was just like, "Yes!"
  • 00:25:02.060 --> 00:25:03.230
  • Already, 10 points right there.
  • 00:25:03.230 --> 00:25:05.030
  • Like, he jumped.
  • 00:25:05.030 --> 00:25:05.240
  • He didn't even go to 1 point,
  • 00:25:05.240 --> 00:25:06.190
  • 2 point, he jumped to 10.
  • 00:25:06.190 --> 00:25:07.260
  • But mind you,
  • 00:25:07.260 --> 00:25:08.120
  • there's 100 points,
  • 00:25:08.120 --> 00:25:08.290
  • so you still have a lot to gain.
  • 00:25:08.290 --> 00:25:10.000
  • But I mean, that's huge.
  • 00:25:10.000 --> 00:25:11.160
  • But you know, put some thought
  • 00:25:11.160 --> 00:25:13.030
  • into it.
  • 00:25:13.030 --> 00:25:13.180
  • See what she likes
  • 00:25:13.180 --> 00:25:14.150
  • and different things like
  • 00:25:14.150 --> 00:25:15.130
  • that and just happen to drop by,
  • 00:25:15.130 --> 00:25:16.270
  • "Oh, let's go check this out."
  • 00:25:16.270 --> 00:25:18.100
  • And she'll have no clue,
  • 00:25:18.100 --> 00:25:19.210
  • and you're like, "Score."
  • 00:25:19.210 --> 00:25:21.270
  • - Helen:
  • 00:25:21.270 --> 00:25:22.120
  • Wow, that's some good advice.
  • 00:25:22.120 --> 00:25:23.120
  • That's exactly what you did,
  • 00:25:23.120 --> 00:25:24.240
  • John.
  • 00:25:24.240 --> 00:25:25.190
  • That's exactly what you did.
  • 00:25:25.190 --> 00:25:28.000
  • - John: I found her locker
  • 00:25:28.000 --> 00:25:30.180
  • and started stuttering talking
  • 00:25:30.180 --> 00:25:32.160
  • to her, and invited her
  • 00:25:32.160 --> 00:25:34.180
  • to skip out of school with me
  • 00:25:34.180 --> 00:25:35.250
  • for the afternoon.
  • 00:25:35.250 --> 00:25:37.070
  • That was our first date.
  • 00:25:37.070 --> 00:25:38.150
  • - Helen: And I did.
  • 00:25:38.150 --> 00:25:40.130
  • - John: And she did.
  • 00:25:40.130 --> 00:25:41.010
  • For the first time for her,
  • 00:25:41.010 --> 00:25:41.280
  • for the millionth time for me.
  • 00:25:41.280 --> 00:25:43.160
  • - Helen: But you were willing
  • 00:25:43.160 --> 00:25:44.230
  • to be brave enough to ask.
  • 00:25:44.230 --> 00:25:45.290
  • I don't know if you would have
  • 00:25:45.290 --> 00:25:46.230
  • asked me out, though,
  • 00:25:46.230 --> 00:25:48.110
  • if you didn't know
  • 00:25:48.110 --> 00:25:49.070
  • that I already had told somebody
  • 00:25:49.070 --> 00:25:50.260
  • that I thought you were
  • 00:25:50.260 --> 00:25:51.210
  • the cutest boy
  • 00:25:51.210 --> 00:25:52.160
  • at Killarney High School.
  • 00:25:52.160 --> 00:25:53.180
  • - John: But someone told me,
  • 00:25:53.180 --> 00:25:54.180
  • "There's a girl that likes you,
  • 00:25:54.180 --> 00:25:55.110
  • but don't, if you do, you know,
  • 00:25:55.110 --> 00:25:58.060
  • ask her out, don't mention God.
  • 00:25:58.060 --> 00:26:00.100
  • She'll talk your ear off."
  • 00:26:00.100 --> 00:26:01.230
  • That got my attention.
  • 00:26:01.230 --> 00:26:03.070
  • - Helen: That's what attracted
  • 00:26:03.070 --> 00:26:04.050
  • him, yeah.
  • 00:26:04.050 --> 00:26:05.150
  • Then you led me down
  • 00:26:05.150 --> 00:26:06.020
  • a garden path.
  • 00:26:06.020 --> 00:26:06.230
  • You got me into trouble.
  • 00:26:06.230 --> 00:26:08.230
  • [laughing]
  • 00:26:08.230 --> 00:26:09.230
  • - Niyah:
  • 00:26:09.230 --> 00:26:10.090
  • That's on the next episode.
  • 00:26:10.090 --> 00:26:11.040
  • - John: Yeah.
  • 00:26:11.040 --> 00:26:11.240
  • - Niyah: After the break we
  • 00:26:11.240 --> 00:26:12.110
  • enter into the world
  • 00:26:12.110 --> 00:26:13.120
  • of social media and discuss
  • 00:26:13.120 --> 00:26:14.260
  • what's trending
  • 00:26:14.260 --> 00:26:15.230
  • on the worldwide web.
  • 00:26:15.230 --> 00:26:16.290
  • - Niyah: Welcome back
  • 00:26:24.130 --> 00:26:25.080
  • to the show.
  • 00:26:25.080 --> 00:26:25.240
  • Now, this is a very exciting
  • 00:26:25.240 --> 00:26:27.030
  • segment because we can't deny
  • 00:26:27.030 --> 00:26:28.200
  • the impact social media has
  • 00:26:28.200 --> 00:26:30.000
  • on our lives.
  • 00:26:30.000 --> 00:26:31.150
  • We're discussing trending topics
  • 00:26:31.150 --> 00:26:32.230
  • on #sexloveandrelationships.
  • 00:26:32.230 --> 00:26:35.020
  • And you'll be surprised
  • 00:26:35.020 --> 00:26:36.110
  • what people are saying
  • 00:26:36.110 --> 00:26:37.120
  • in the digital world.
  • 00:26:37.120 --> 00:26:38.240
  • Let's have a look.
  • 00:26:38.240 --> 00:26:41.070
  • "Are you missing the one who is
  • 00:26:41.070 --> 00:26:43.060
  • standing right in front of you?"
  • 00:26:43.060 --> 00:26:45.180
  • Hmm.
  • 00:26:45.180 --> 00:26:47.020
  • You know,
  • 00:26:47.020 --> 00:26:48.010
  • I hear this all the time.
  • 00:26:48.010 --> 00:26:48.220
  • People always say that,
  • 00:26:48.220 --> 00:26:49.160
  • you know, "The one could be
  • 00:26:49.160 --> 00:26:50.290
  • right in front of you,
  • 00:26:50.290 --> 00:26:52.060
  • or right under your nose."
  • 00:26:52.060 --> 00:26:54.120
  • Do you think that sometimes?
  • 00:26:54.120 --> 00:26:56.000
  • Could it, right, be under your,
  • 00:26:56.000 --> 00:26:57.030
  • you know, are we bypassing,
  • 00:26:57.030 --> 00:26:59.060
  • you know, the right one
  • 00:26:59.060 --> 00:27:00.220
  • or someone who could be the one
  • 00:27:00.220 --> 00:27:02.020
  • for our dream person?
  • 00:27:02.020 --> 00:27:04.070
  • - John: Have you seen the lists
  • 00:27:04.070 --> 00:27:05.000
  • that some girls have?
  • 00:27:05.000 --> 00:27:07.040
  • - Niyah: Well, what's wrong
  • 00:27:07.040 --> 00:27:07.210
  • with lists?
  • 00:27:07.210 --> 00:27:09.270
  • - Niyah: Let me tell you
  • 00:27:09.270 --> 00:27:10.130
  • something, I think a guy's list
  • 00:27:10.130 --> 00:27:11.210
  • sometimes could be just as long
  • 00:27:11.210 --> 00:27:13.210
  • as a girl's list sometimes,
  • 00:27:13.210 --> 00:27:15.050
  • but we're just very detailed.
  • 00:27:15.050 --> 00:27:16.190
  • - Helen: Yeah.
  • 00:27:16.190 --> 00:27:17.200
  • - John: I disagree.
  • 00:27:17.200 --> 00:27:18.270
  • - Niyah: Really?
  • 00:27:18.270 --> 00:27:19.160
  • I love this.
  • 00:27:19.160 --> 00:27:20.020
  • Talk to me.
  • 00:27:20.020 --> 00:27:20.260
  • - John: In general, no way.
  • 00:27:20.260 --> 00:27:22.120
  • No way.
  • 00:27:22.120 --> 00:27:23.060
  • A guy, you know, is like--
  • 00:27:23.060 --> 00:27:25.150
  • - Niyah: Three things.
  • 00:27:25.150 --> 00:27:26.000
  • She has to be beautiful,
  • 00:27:26.000 --> 00:27:26.220
  • can cook, you know,
  • 00:27:26.220 --> 00:27:28.140
  • and loves the Lord.
  • 00:27:28.140 --> 00:27:29.040
  • - John: But girls have this
  • 00:27:29.040 --> 00:27:29.210
  • list.
  • 00:27:29.210 --> 00:27:30.180
  • And so he could
  • 00:27:30.180 --> 00:27:32.080
  • be standing right there.
  • 00:27:32.130 --> 00:27:35.130
  • He could be standing
  • 00:27:35.130 --> 00:27:36.060
  • right there, and he doesn't,
  • 00:27:36.060 --> 00:27:37.220
  • he just doesn't have all of the,
  • 00:27:37.220 --> 00:27:39.240
  • you know,
  • 00:27:39.240 --> 00:27:40.100
  • those things figured out yet.
  • 00:27:40.100 --> 00:27:42.020
  • - Helen: Like what?
  • 00:27:42.020 --> 00:27:42.250
  • - John: Well, like, he might
  • 00:27:42.250 --> 00:27:43.290
  • not be, you know,
  • 00:27:43.290 --> 00:27:46.000
  • the black hair, blue eyes,
  • 00:27:46.000 --> 00:27:48.110
  • whatever it is.
  • 00:27:48.110 --> 00:27:49.130
  • - Helen: I wanted mine.
  • 00:27:49.130 --> 00:27:50.140
  • I had a list.
  • 00:27:50.140 --> 00:27:51.140
  • - Niyah: C'mon.
  • 00:27:51.140 --> 00:27:52.030
  • - Helen: My list was blonde.
  • 00:27:52.240 --> 00:27:55.240
  • - John: Blew that.
  • 00:27:55.240 --> 00:27:56.290
  • - Helen: Yeah, his hair used
  • 00:27:56.290 --> 00:27:57.190
  • to be this color.
  • 00:27:57.190 --> 00:27:59.110
  • His hair used to be quite black.
  • 00:27:59.110 --> 00:28:01.140
  • And I wanted blue eyes.
  • 00:28:01.140 --> 00:28:03.240
  • - John: Blew that too.
  • 00:28:03.240 --> 00:28:05.130
  • - Helen: I wanted him to be
  • 00:28:05.130 --> 00:28:06.060
  • a football player.
  • 00:28:06.060 --> 00:28:07.170
  • - John:
  • 00:28:07.170 --> 00:28:08.020
  • I was a football player.
  • 00:28:08.020 --> 00:28:08.260
  • - Helen: Yeah, you were.
  • 00:28:08.260 --> 00:28:09.170
  • Yeah, you were.
  • 00:28:09.170 --> 00:28:10.050
  • I think that's why.
  • 00:28:10.050 --> 00:28:10.290
  • But when I saw you,
  • 00:28:10.290 --> 00:28:11.260
  • it was all over.
  • 00:28:11.260 --> 00:28:13.060
  • But I do think a lot of women--
  • 00:28:13.060 --> 00:28:14.110
  • - John: It was, like, all over,
  • 00:28:14.110 --> 00:28:15.250
  • like, "Hey."
  • 00:28:15.250 --> 00:28:16.280
  • - Helen: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
  • 00:28:16.280 --> 00:28:17.270
  • But I do think often we have
  • 00:28:17.270 --> 00:28:19.200
  • this list.
  • 00:28:19.200 --> 00:28:20.050
  • Like, I've seen women,
  • 00:28:20.050 --> 00:28:21.140
  • I'm gonna speak women
  • 00:28:21.140 --> 00:28:22.000
  • in my world 'cause that's what
  • 00:28:22.000 --> 00:28:23.140
  • I deal with more closely.
  • 00:28:23.140 --> 00:28:24.150
  • But I would agree with you.
  • 00:28:24.150 --> 00:28:25.120
  • I think men do.
  • 00:28:25.120 --> 00:28:27.160
  • They have these expectations,
  • 00:28:27.160 --> 00:28:30.080
  • and they want stuff just like
  • 00:28:30.080 --> 00:28:31.200
  • a woman does.
  • 00:28:31.200 --> 00:28:32.130
  • But I've had women in my world,
  • 00:28:32.130 --> 00:28:34.050
  • for example, that have a list.
  • 00:28:34.050 --> 00:28:36.130
  • You know, that he never been
  • 00:28:36.130 --> 00:28:38.230
  • married, doesn't have children,
  • 00:28:40.000 --> 00:28:43.000
  • it looks like--
  • 00:28:43.000 --> 00:28:43.160
  • - Niyah: But should we
  • 00:28:43.160 --> 00:28:44.020
  • compromise on our lists?
  • 00:28:44.020 --> 00:28:44.180
  • - Helen: I think sometimes we
  • 00:28:44.180 --> 00:28:45.130
  • tell God what we want instead
  • 00:28:45.130 --> 00:28:47.020
  • of listening to what God
  • 00:28:47.020 --> 00:28:48.010
  • has for us.
  • 00:28:48.010 --> 00:28:49.080
  • And the reason I brought that
  • 00:28:49.080 --> 00:28:50.070
  • one up is because I had a friend
  • 00:28:50.070 --> 00:28:53.020
  • in my life.
  • 00:28:53.020 --> 00:28:54.030
  • She was, you know, 40-ish,
  • 00:28:54.230 --> 00:28:57.230
  • and had her list for so ever.
  • 00:28:57.230 --> 00:29:00.100
  • She just missed
  • 00:29:00.100 --> 00:29:01.020
  • every single person.
  • 00:29:01.020 --> 00:29:02.020
  • Just, "Nope, nope, nope, nope,
  • 00:29:02.020 --> 00:29:03.030
  • nope, nope."
  • 00:29:03.030 --> 00:29:04.000
  • And I think she really came
  • 00:29:04.000 --> 00:29:05.140
  • before God and said, "God,
  • 00:29:05.140 --> 00:29:07.000
  • I'm surrendering this to you.
  • 00:29:07.000 --> 00:29:08.130
  • I'm asking you what you have for
  • 00:29:08.130 --> 00:29:10.060
  • me and I'm gonna just be open."
  • 00:29:10.060 --> 00:29:13.040
  • And then God--she meets this
  • 00:29:13.040 --> 00:29:15.260
  • amazing guy at church
  • 00:29:15.260 --> 00:29:18.000
  • and he's all of those things.
  • 00:29:18.000 --> 00:29:19.280
  • He didn't have children,
  • 00:29:19.280 --> 00:29:21.120
  • but he had been married before.
  • 00:29:21.120 --> 00:29:23.060
  • He had a very short marriage
  • 00:29:23.060 --> 00:29:24.060
  • many, many years before.
  • 00:29:24.060 --> 00:29:25.230
  • But she had just dismissed that
  • 00:29:25.230 --> 00:29:27.060
  • there could ever be potential
  • 00:29:27.060 --> 00:29:28.150
  • with a relationship.
  • 00:29:28.150 --> 00:29:29.160
  • And I look at them now,
  • 00:29:29.160 --> 00:29:30.140
  • they've been married
  • 00:29:30.140 --> 00:29:31.000
  • for a number of years,
  • 00:29:31.000 --> 00:29:31.240
  • have a beautiful,
  • 00:29:31.240 --> 00:29:32.200
  • beautiful marriage.
  • 00:29:32.200 --> 00:29:33.240
  • And I think that so often we
  • 00:29:33.240 --> 00:29:35.180
  • just assume that we know what
  • 00:29:35.180 --> 00:29:37.110
  • this person's going to be like,
  • 00:29:37.110 --> 00:29:39.280
  • and rather than be open
  • 00:29:39.280 --> 00:29:42.030
  • to discovering what
  • 00:29:42.030 --> 00:29:43.080
  • the relationship could be,
  • 00:29:43.080 --> 00:29:45.040
  • I think.
  • 00:29:45.040 --> 00:29:45.210
  • - John:
  • 00:29:45.210 --> 00:29:46.070
  • I think a lot of people,
  • 00:29:46.070 --> 00:29:46.220
  • it's not just the, "I'm missin'
  • 00:29:46.220 --> 00:29:48.190
  • the one right, you know,
  • 00:29:48.190 --> 00:29:49.260
  • right in front me."
  • 00:29:49.260 --> 00:29:50.200
  • But they're always lookin'
  • 00:29:50.200 --> 00:29:51.120
  • down the road.
  • 00:29:51.120 --> 00:29:52.240
  • They're always, "It's gonna,
  • 00:29:52.240 --> 00:29:53.200
  • it's gonna, it's gonna end."
  • 00:29:53.200 --> 00:29:55.260
  • And you never really are
  • 00:29:55.260 --> 00:29:57.020
  • satisfied and enjoy what
  • 00:29:57.020 --> 00:29:58.260
  • is right now.
  • 00:29:58.260 --> 00:29:59.270
  • And one of the keys, I think,
  • 00:29:59.270 --> 00:30:01.050
  • to having a really,
  • 00:30:01.050 --> 00:30:02.140
  • really happy life
  • 00:30:02.140 --> 00:30:03.170
  • and happy relationship is stay
  • 00:30:03.170 --> 00:30:05.030
  • amazed with what ya
  • 00:30:05.030 --> 00:30:06.160
  • have right now.
  • 00:30:06.160 --> 00:30:08.020
  • If you are amazed with what that
  • 00:30:08.020 --> 00:30:10.090
  • person is and who that person
  • 00:30:10.090 --> 00:30:11.210
  • is on the inside, it just, it
  • 00:30:11.210 --> 00:30:14.110
  • begins to open your heart up.
  • 00:30:14.110 --> 00:30:16.050
  • And nobody's a finished product.
  • 00:30:16.050 --> 00:30:18.110
  • We're always on a journey.
  • 00:30:18.110 --> 00:30:20.220
  • - Niyah: So do I chuck my list?
  • 00:30:20.220 --> 00:30:22.090
  • What am I doin'?
  • 00:30:22.090 --> 00:30:23.050
  • - Helen: I think there are
  • 00:30:23.050 --> 00:30:24.000
  • absolute--
  • 00:30:24.000 --> 00:30:24.220
  • - John: I think so.
  • 00:30:24.220 --> 00:30:25.180
  • - Helen: Nope, nope, nope,
  • 00:30:25.180 --> 00:30:26.160
  • nope, nope.
  • 00:30:26.160 --> 00:30:28.070
  • No, you don't chuck the list.
  • 00:30:28.070 --> 00:30:30.070
  • - Niyah: I love this.
  • 00:30:30.070 --> 00:30:31.020
  • - John: I disagree.
  • 00:30:31.020 --> 00:30:31.220
  • Chuck the list.
  • 00:30:31.220 --> 00:30:32.200
  • - all: [laughing]
  • 00:30:32.200 --> 00:30:33.210
  • - Niyah:
  • 00:30:33.210 --> 00:30:34.060
  • Okay, I chop it in half.
  • 00:30:34.060 --> 00:30:34.260
  • There we go.
  • 00:30:34.260 --> 00:30:35.210
  • So part of the list is chopped.
  • 00:30:35.210 --> 00:30:36.230
  • - Helen: Well, you keep on
  • 00:30:36.230 --> 00:30:37.100
  • the list the non-negotiables.
  • 00:30:37.100 --> 00:30:39.040
  • - John:
  • 00:30:39.040 --> 00:30:39.200
  • Yeah, there's non-negotiables.
  • 00:30:39.200 --> 00:30:40.080
  • - Helen: There's the absolutes.
  • 00:30:40.080 --> 00:30:41.020
  • Because I think often we keep
  • 00:30:41.020 --> 00:30:43.220
  • these things that are not
  • 00:30:43.220 --> 00:30:44.260
  • non-negotiables, to me,
  • 00:30:44.260 --> 00:30:46.250
  • as more important than
  • 00:30:46.250 --> 00:30:48.040
  • the absolute non-negotiables.
  • 00:30:48.040 --> 00:30:49.280
  • And to me, character,
  • 00:30:49.280 --> 00:30:51.280
  • it takes time to discover it,
  • 00:30:51.280 --> 00:30:53.190
  • but it's character things
  • 00:30:53.190 --> 00:30:54.250
  • that are important.
  • 00:30:54.250 --> 00:30:55.140
  • Not just the looks,
  • 00:30:55.140 --> 00:30:56.130
  • not just the charisma,
  • 00:30:56.130 --> 00:30:57.170
  • but the character.
  • 00:30:57.170 --> 00:30:58.110
  • And when you can discover
  • 00:30:58.110 --> 00:30:59.180
  • that in relationship with 'em,
  • 00:30:59.180 --> 00:31:01.070
  • then we can move on.
  • 00:31:01.070 --> 00:31:02.090
  • If those aren't there,
  • 00:31:02.090 --> 00:31:04.080
  • take your time.
  • 00:31:04.080 --> 00:31:04.290
  • - Niyah: Whew,
  • 00:31:04.290 --> 00:31:05.190
  • that's what I'm talkin' about.
  • 00:31:05.190 --> 00:31:07.010
  • But next up,
  • 00:31:07.010 --> 00:31:07.240
  • what do we got here?
  • 00:31:07.240 --> 00:31:08.270
  • "Without words you said enough.
  • 00:31:08.270 --> 00:31:10.240
  • The importance of public
  • 00:31:10.240 --> 00:31:11.250
  • displays of affection."
  • 00:31:11.250 --> 00:31:14.040
  • Hmm, PDAs.
  • 00:31:14.040 --> 00:31:15.240
  • - John: Yeah.
  • 00:31:15.240 --> 00:31:16.180
  • - Niyah: Well,
  • 00:31:16.180 --> 00:31:17.070
  • let's talk about PDAs.
  • 00:31:17.070 --> 00:31:17.280
  • You know, PDAs, from, what,
  • 00:31:18.050 --> 00:31:21.050
  • kissing to, you know what
  • 00:31:21.050 --> 00:31:23.010
  • I'm saying?
  • 00:31:23.010 --> 00:31:23.270
  • There's so much hand holding.
  • 00:31:23.270 --> 00:31:25.070
  • What's too much?
  • 00:31:25.070 --> 00:31:26.080
  • What's appropriate?
  • 00:31:26.080 --> 00:31:27.000
  • What's not appropriate?
  • 00:31:27.000 --> 00:31:28.160
  • 'Cause I've seen some where I'm
  • 00:31:28.160 --> 00:31:29.160
  • like, "My goodness,
  • 00:31:29.160 --> 00:31:30.250
  • go ahead and get a room."
  • 00:31:30.250 --> 00:31:32.190
  • - Helen: Well, it's funny.
  • 00:31:32.190 --> 00:31:33.090
  • When we were raising our
  • 00:31:33.090 --> 00:31:34.060
  • daughters, who now, you know,
  • 00:31:34.060 --> 00:31:36.010
  • they're all, you know,
  • 00:31:36.010 --> 00:31:37.060
  • well into their adulthood.
  • 00:31:37.120 --> 00:31:40.120
  • But I used to say to them,
  • 00:31:40.120 --> 00:31:41.240
  • you know, we'd be driving down
  • 00:31:41.240 --> 00:31:42.180
  • the street on the way
  • 00:31:42.180 --> 00:31:43.160
  • to school in the little,
  • 00:31:43.160 --> 00:31:44.180
  • and we'd see, like,
  • 00:31:44.180 --> 00:31:45.200
  • a couple at a bus stop just,
  • 00:31:45.200 --> 00:31:47.270
  • like, kissing passionately,
  • 00:31:47.270 --> 00:31:49.290
  • hands all over.
  • 00:31:49.290 --> 00:31:51.020
  • And I'd go, "See those guys?
  • 00:31:51.020 --> 00:31:52.110
  • They're kinda insecure
  • 00:31:52.110 --> 00:31:53.100
  • about their relationship."
  • 00:31:53.100 --> 00:31:54.130
  • And they'd go,
  • 00:31:54.130 --> 00:31:54.290
  • like, "Why do you say that?"
  • 00:31:54.290 --> 00:31:55.250
  • 'Cause I, just,
  • 00:31:55.250 --> 00:31:56.250
  • "It's kind of unnecessary."
  • 00:31:56.250 --> 00:31:57.290
  • So often we feel like we have
  • 00:31:57.290 --> 00:31:59.060
  • to show, "He's mine," or,
  • 00:31:59.060 --> 00:32:00.270
  • "She's mine," in displays that
  • 00:32:00.270 --> 00:32:03.100
  • are inappropriate.
  • 00:32:03.100 --> 00:32:04.170
  • And then often it's
  • 00:32:04.170 --> 00:32:05.060
  • because it does get very sexual.
  • 00:32:05.060 --> 00:32:07.070
  • And there's one place that
  • 00:32:07.070 --> 00:32:08.070
  • that belongs, and that is in
  • 00:32:08.070 --> 00:32:09.250
  • the bedroom of a married couple.
  • 00:32:09.250 --> 00:32:11.210
  • - Niyah: Well, you think it is
  • 00:32:11.210 --> 00:32:12.110
  • they're doing that to show that,
  • 00:32:12.110 --> 00:32:14.070
  • "He's mine," or "She's mine"?
  • 00:32:14.070 --> 00:32:15.050
  • Or is it just they're too hot?
  • 00:32:15.050 --> 00:32:16.260
  • - Helen: I think it's both.
  • 00:32:16.260 --> 00:32:18.070
  • I do think it's both.
  • 00:32:18.070 --> 00:32:19.120
  • But I have often seen couples
  • 00:32:19.120 --> 00:32:21.220
  • that are so, "Mine, mine, mine,
  • 00:32:21.220 --> 00:32:23.000
  • mine," and all over each other.
  • 00:32:23.000 --> 00:32:25.120
  • And it makes other people
  • 00:32:25.120 --> 00:32:27.040
  • uncomfortable.
  • 00:32:27.040 --> 00:32:28.070
  • And you know,
  • 00:32:28.070 --> 00:32:29.100
  • I don't even love watching
  • 00:32:29.100 --> 00:32:30.140
  • people kiss in a movie.
  • 00:32:30.140 --> 00:32:32.070
  • I'm kinda like,
  • 00:32:32.070 --> 00:32:32.220
  • "Okay, the kissing.
  • 00:32:32.220 --> 00:32:33.140
  • I know they kiss."
  • 00:32:33.140 --> 00:32:34.060
  • I don't wanna watch the whole
  • 00:32:34.060 --> 00:32:35.060
  • slurping with each other
  • 00:32:35.060 --> 00:32:37.140
  • and swapping spit, as John says.
  • 00:32:37.170 --> 00:32:40.170
  • 'Cause I think that too can,
  • 00:32:40.170 --> 00:32:42.170
  • you know,
  • 00:32:42.170 --> 00:32:43.020
  • let's do that in a bedroom
  • 00:32:43.020 --> 00:32:44.120
  • when we're married.
  • 00:32:44.120 --> 00:32:45.180
  • And not because I don't like
  • 00:32:45.180 --> 00:32:46.070
  • kissing.
  • 00:32:46.070 --> 00:32:46.260
  • I like kissing.
  • 00:32:46.260 --> 00:32:47.150
  • We kiss in public.
  • 00:32:47.150 --> 00:32:48.160
  • But it's an appropriate kiss.
  • 00:32:48.160 --> 00:32:49.250
  • It's not something that makes
  • 00:32:49.250 --> 00:32:50.280
  • somebody else uncomfortable.
  • 00:32:50.280 --> 00:32:52.190
  • I love hand holding.
  • 00:32:52.190 --> 00:32:54.010
  • I love arms around each other.
  • 00:32:54.150 --> 00:32:57.150
  • I think it's actually
  • 00:32:57.150 --> 00:32:58.130
  • an important part of
  • 00:32:58.130 --> 00:32:59.060
  • a relationship.
  • 00:32:59.060 --> 00:33:00.150
  • - Niyah: Pastor John,
  • 00:33:00.150 --> 00:33:01.020
  • what's inappropriate, though?
  • 00:33:01.020 --> 00:33:02.140
  • - John: I think it's not about
  • 00:33:02.140 --> 00:33:04.010
  • you.
  • 00:33:04.010 --> 00:33:04.250
  • So, you know, whenever you do
  • 00:33:04.250 --> 00:33:06.070
  • anything 'cause, "I feel like it
  • 00:33:06.070 --> 00:33:07.290
  • and it really, you know,
  • 00:33:07.290 --> 00:33:09.110
  • is all about my emotions,"
  • 00:33:09.110 --> 00:33:10.200
  • you need to just check
  • 00:33:10.200 --> 00:33:11.180
  • that at the door.
  • 00:33:11.180 --> 00:33:12.230
  • And always ask the question.
  • 00:33:12.230 --> 00:33:14.000
  • "What am I saying?
  • 00:33:14.000 --> 00:33:15.170
  • What am I displaying as far as
  • 00:33:15.170 --> 00:33:18.080
  • my communication to this world
  • 00:33:18.080 --> 00:33:20.020
  • goes?"
  • 00:33:20.020 --> 00:33:21.000
  • And you know, that's,
  • 00:33:21.000 --> 00:33:22.250
  • it depends on where you're at.
  • 00:33:22.250 --> 00:33:24.110
  • But I think what this is saying
  • 00:33:24.180 --> 00:33:27.180
  • is, "Without words you said
  • 00:33:27.180 --> 00:33:28.280
  • enough.
  • 00:33:28.280 --> 00:33:29.210
  • The importance of public
  • 00:33:29.210 --> 00:33:30.270
  • displays of affection."
  • 00:33:30.270 --> 00:33:32.120
  • It means there's some things you
  • 00:33:32.120 --> 00:33:33.190
  • can do that are more than words,
  • 00:33:33.190 --> 00:33:35.240
  • more than words.
  • 00:33:35.240 --> 00:33:36.200
  • Like, there's times when I just
  • 00:33:36.200 --> 00:33:38.050
  • take her hand.
  • 00:33:38.050 --> 00:33:39.060
  • And it's just,
  • 00:33:39.060 --> 00:33:40.210
  • it's saying to her volumes.
  • 00:33:40.210 --> 00:33:43.130
  • I remember when we first met.
  • 00:33:43.130 --> 00:33:45.060
  • I mean, I'm one of those
  • 00:33:45.060 --> 00:33:45.290
  • romantics, okay?
  • 00:33:45.290 --> 00:33:47.130
  • So when we first met,
  • 00:33:47.130 --> 00:33:48.180
  • I, you know, I had these dreams
  • 00:33:48.180 --> 00:33:50.110
  • of growing old together.
  • 00:33:50.110 --> 00:33:51.180
  • And I think we've accomplished
  • 00:33:51.180 --> 00:33:52.180
  • that.
  • 00:33:52.180 --> 00:33:53.040
  • - all: [laughing]
  • 00:33:53.040 --> 00:33:54.070
  • - John: But you know,
  • 00:33:54.070 --> 00:33:54.230
  • one of the things is I,
  • 00:33:54.230 --> 00:33:55.280
  • you know, I'm thinking,
  • 00:33:55.280 --> 00:33:56.140
  • "One day, when I'm 85
  • 00:33:56.140 --> 00:33:58.280
  • and she's 82, and we're walkin'
  • 00:33:58.280 --> 00:34:01.210
  • down the street, holdin' hands,
  • 00:34:01.210 --> 00:34:04.070
  • not saying anything verbally but
  • 00:34:04.070 --> 00:34:06.090
  • saying volumes to each other."
  • 00:34:06.090 --> 00:34:09.020
  • That's what I think
  • 00:34:09.020 --> 00:34:10.100
  • public display,
  • 00:34:10.100 --> 00:34:12.050
  • here's what we're talking about,
  • 00:34:12.050 --> 00:34:13.230
  • that kind of affection
  • 00:34:13.230 --> 00:34:15.140
  • that really does say,
  • 00:34:15.140 --> 00:34:17.120
  • "I'm thinkin' about you.
  • 00:34:17.120 --> 00:34:18.210
  • I love you.
  • 00:34:18.210 --> 00:34:19.100
  • I'm comfortable with you.
  • 00:34:19.100 --> 00:34:21.150
  • You're safe in my relationship."
  • 00:34:21.260 --> 00:34:24.260
  • - Helen: You know, just when
  • 00:34:24.260 --> 00:34:25.160
  • you say--I still remember.
  • 00:34:25.160 --> 00:34:26.210
  • You talked about that.
  • 00:34:26.210 --> 00:34:27.180
  • We were just starting
  • 00:34:27.180 --> 00:34:28.180
  • our relationship
  • 00:34:28.180 --> 00:34:29.170
  • and he really talked about
  • 00:34:29.170 --> 00:34:30.280
  • growing old together.
  • 00:34:30.280 --> 00:34:31.220
  • There was something in your
  • 00:34:31.220 --> 00:34:32.190
  • heart as a young man that you
  • 00:34:32.190 --> 00:34:35.120
  • already saw that.
  • 00:34:35.120 --> 00:34:36.270
  • But I also think that with you
  • 00:34:36.270 --> 00:34:39.010
  • as a father, you've never been
  • 00:34:39.010 --> 00:34:41.180
  • uncomfortable holding
  • 00:34:41.180 --> 00:34:42.150
  • your daughters' hands.
  • 00:34:42.150 --> 00:34:43.160
  • And I know sometimes people
  • 00:34:43.160 --> 00:34:44.120
  • might have looked and thought,
  • 00:34:44.120 --> 00:34:45.270
  • "Oh, what's that dirty old man
  • 00:34:45.270 --> 00:34:46.270
  • doin' with that young girl?"
  • 00:34:46.270 --> 00:34:48.170
  • He doesn't really care what they
  • 00:34:48.170 --> 00:34:49.190
  • think, in the sense of,
  • 00:34:49.190 --> 00:34:51.060
  • "This is my daughter.
  • 00:34:51.060 --> 00:34:52.040
  • If she wants to hold my arm
  • 00:34:52.040 --> 00:34:53.110
  • or hold my hand,
  • 00:34:53.110 --> 00:34:55.030
  • I'm not uncomfortable with what
  • 00:34:55.030 --> 00:34:56.110
  • is appropriate and beautiful."
  • 00:34:56.110 --> 00:34:58.200
  • - Niyah: Oh, I love this.
  • 00:34:58.200 --> 00:34:59.140
  • Love this.
  • 00:34:59.140 --> 00:35:00.050
  • So much godly wisdom.
  • 00:35:00.050 --> 00:35:01.130
  • Well, after the break,
  • 00:35:01.130 --> 00:35:02.070
  • John and Helen return
  • 00:35:02.070 --> 00:35:03.070
  • to our studio audience
  • 00:35:03.070 --> 00:35:04.230
  • to continue the discussion
  • 00:35:04.230 --> 00:35:05.290
  • on "Sex, Love & Relationships."
  • 00:35:05.290 --> 00:35:07.290
  • Don't go anywhere.
  • 00:35:07.290 --> 00:35:09.000
  • - Niyah: Welcome back
  • 00:35:16.160 --> 00:35:17.120
  • to the show, and
  • 00:35:17.120 --> 00:35:18.000
  • welcome to our studio audience,
  • 00:35:18.000 --> 00:35:19.220
  • who have some fantastic
  • 00:35:19.220 --> 00:35:21.170
  • questions for John and Helen
  • 00:35:21.170 --> 00:35:22.280
  • on the topics
  • 00:35:22.280 --> 00:35:23.190
  • of "Sex, Love & Relationships."
  • 00:35:23.190 --> 00:35:25.240
  • John and Helen, are you ready?
  • 00:35:25.240 --> 00:35:27.150
  • - Helen: Yeah.
  • 00:35:27.150 --> 00:35:28.030
  • - female: So I have a friend
  • 00:35:28.030 --> 00:35:29.010
  • who just recently had a baby
  • 00:35:29.010 --> 00:35:30.220
  • and is kinda found herself in
  • 00:35:30.220 --> 00:35:33.040
  • a place where she's lost
  • 00:35:33.040 --> 00:35:34.170
  • her sex drive, per se.
  • 00:35:34.170 --> 00:35:36.130
  • I know it says in the Bible
  • 00:35:36.130 --> 00:35:37.230
  • to honor your husband
  • 00:35:37.230 --> 00:35:38.230
  • and to be there in that way.
  • 00:35:38.230 --> 00:35:40.110
  • So what do you tell to someone
  • 00:35:40.110 --> 00:35:41.130
  • who's really struggling
  • 00:35:41.130 --> 00:35:42.120
  • with that?
  • 00:35:42.120 --> 00:35:43.040
  • - John: Wow,
  • 00:35:43.040 --> 00:35:43.190
  • thank you for that question.
  • 00:35:43.190 --> 00:35:45.190
  • Wow.
  • 00:35:45.190 --> 00:35:46.200
  • - Helen: As soon as she said,
  • 00:35:46.200 --> 00:35:48.030
  • "I have a friend who has
  • 00:35:48.030 --> 00:35:48.230
  • a baby," I thought,
  • 00:35:48.230 --> 00:35:50.060
  • "I know what the rest of this
  • 00:35:50.060 --> 00:35:51.000
  • is going to be."
  • 00:35:51.000 --> 00:35:51.260
  • Because we, as women,
  • 00:35:51.260 --> 00:35:53.220
  • this is a very typical thing
  • 00:35:53.220 --> 00:35:55.130
  • that after we have a child
  • 00:35:55.130 --> 00:35:57.100
  • that we go completely
  • 00:35:57.100 --> 00:35:59.260
  • into mommy mode.
  • 00:35:59.260 --> 00:36:01.010
  • And that actually is very
  • 00:36:01.010 --> 00:36:02.030
  • regulated also by just
  • 00:36:02.030 --> 00:36:03.130
  • our hormones and such.
  • 00:36:03.130 --> 00:36:05.040
  • We're very focused
  • 00:36:05.040 --> 00:36:06.120
  • on this affection.
  • 00:36:06.120 --> 00:36:07.220
  • We're nursing,
  • 00:36:07.220 --> 00:36:08.190
  • or we're just giving and doting
  • 00:36:08.190 --> 00:36:09.260
  • all of our affection.
  • 00:36:09.260 --> 00:36:10.260
  • It's kind of like,
  • 00:36:10.260 --> 00:36:11.180
  • "Yeah, just step aside.
  • 00:36:11.180 --> 00:36:13.030
  • I'm just gonna completely dote."
  • 00:36:13.030 --> 00:36:14.210
  • And so we're in this season,
  • 00:36:14.210 --> 00:36:16.110
  • but they're not.
  • 00:36:16.110 --> 00:36:17.260
  • And so we, yeah.
  • 00:36:17.260 --> 00:36:19.120
  • - John: Yeah.
  • 00:36:19.120 --> 00:36:20.060
  • Women have seasons.
  • 00:36:20.060 --> 00:36:22.220
  • Women are very seasonal.
  • 00:36:22.220 --> 00:36:24.210
  • And I come from Vancouver,
  • 00:36:24.210 --> 00:36:26.010
  • where we have four seasons.
  • 00:36:26.010 --> 00:36:27.040
  • And I love seasons.
  • 00:36:27.040 --> 00:36:28.110
  • And really,
  • 00:36:28.110 --> 00:36:29.050
  • it's the spice of life.
  • 00:36:29.050 --> 00:36:30.060
  • It's wonderful.
  • 00:36:30.060 --> 00:36:31.030
  • But men typically don't.
  • 00:36:31.030 --> 00:36:33.040
  • Well, we do, summer.
  • 00:36:33.120 --> 00:36:36.120
  • Pretty well all life long,
  • 00:36:36.120 --> 00:36:37.260
  • you know?
  • 00:36:37.260 --> 00:36:38.110
  • And then at the end there's
  • 00:36:38.110 --> 00:36:39.180
  • a little bit of fall at the end,
  • 00:36:39.180 --> 00:36:40.110
  • but anyway.
  • 00:36:40.110 --> 00:36:40.260
  • - Helen: A whole lot of fall.
  • 00:36:40.260 --> 00:36:41.230
  • - all: [laughing]
  • 00:36:41.230 --> 00:36:43.040
  • - John: Oh, Lord,
  • 00:36:43.040 --> 00:36:43.290
  • that's too much information.
  • 00:36:43.290 --> 00:36:46.100
  • - Helen: I wasn't going there,
  • 00:36:46.100 --> 00:36:47.100
  • but if you--ha, ha, ha.
  • 00:36:47.100 --> 00:36:48.280
  • Anyhow, carry on.
  • 00:36:48.280 --> 00:36:50.010
  • - John: But the thing about
  • 00:36:50.010 --> 00:36:51.000
  • wife and husband need
  • 00:36:55.020 --> 00:36:56.110
  • to understand.
  • 00:36:56.110 --> 00:36:57.230
  • He needs to understand
  • 00:36:57.230 --> 00:36:59.070
  • that she's not thinking he's
  • 00:36:59.070 --> 00:37:01.280
  • Mr. Macho and can't wait
  • 00:37:01.280 --> 00:37:03.110
  • for him to get home 'cause,
  • 00:37:03.110 --> 00:37:04.210
  • you know, gonna have intimacy.
  • 00:37:04.210 --> 00:37:06.080
  • She's kind of, that's,
  • 00:37:06.080 --> 00:37:08.180
  • and it actually could be not
  • 00:37:08.180 --> 00:37:09.240
  • even comfortable to think
  • 00:37:09.240 --> 00:37:11.000
  • about it.
  • 00:37:11.000 --> 00:37:11.230
  • Whereas, she needs to know
  • 00:37:11.230 --> 00:37:13.100
  • that he hasn't changed.
  • 00:37:13.100 --> 00:37:14.150
  • And yes, your marriage vows
  • 00:37:14.150 --> 00:37:15.170
  • really do make each of you part
  • 00:37:15.170 --> 00:37:18.160
  • of each other's life.
  • 00:37:18.160 --> 00:37:19.150
  • And there's a part that
  • 00:37:19.150 --> 00:37:21.220
  • you play.
  • 00:37:21.220 --> 00:37:22.250
  • And you know, to me, I talk to,
  • 00:37:22.280 --> 00:37:25.280
  • actually, she had me teach her
  • 00:37:25.280 --> 00:37:27.190
  • women one time about
  • 00:37:27.190 --> 00:37:29.060
  • their hormones.
  • 00:37:29.060 --> 00:37:30.020
  • Took me a whole hour to teach
  • 00:37:30.020 --> 00:37:31.150
  • women about hormones.
  • 00:37:31.150 --> 00:37:32.160
  • It is so complicated.
  • 00:37:32.160 --> 00:37:34.160
  • But that is a hormonal season,
  • 00:37:34.160 --> 00:37:36.210
  • when her progesterone
  • 00:37:36.210 --> 00:37:37.260
  • has gone through the roof.
  • 00:37:37.260 --> 00:37:39.000
  • And you're not looking for
  • 00:37:39.150 --> 00:37:42.150
  • sexual intimacy in any way.
  • 00:37:42.220 --> 00:37:45.220
  • And--
  • 00:37:45.220 --> 00:37:46.250
  • - Helen: Not to mention that
  • 00:37:46.250 --> 00:37:47.130
  • she's just delivered a baby.
  • 00:37:47.130 --> 00:37:49.020
  • - John: And that baby
  • 00:37:49.020 --> 00:37:49.200
  • is most likely breastfeeding.
  • 00:37:49.200 --> 00:37:51.080
  • And he's thinking,
  • 00:37:51.080 --> 00:37:52.130
  • "Those are mine," you know?
  • 00:37:52.130 --> 00:37:54.180
  • And, "Someone has hijacked
  • 00:37:54.180 --> 00:37:55.160
  • my wife."
  • 00:37:55.160 --> 00:37:56.270
  • And so there's a potential goin'
  • 00:37:56.270 --> 00:37:58.280
  • on of really challenge here.
  • 00:37:58.280 --> 00:38:00.270
  • And the thing is that if you two
  • 00:38:00.270 --> 00:38:03.020
  • both understood it,
  • 00:38:03.020 --> 00:38:03.260
  • you could talk together,
  • 00:38:03.260 --> 00:38:05.050
  • and then you could come out of
  • 00:38:05.050 --> 00:38:06.100
  • it and figure it out.
  • 00:38:06.100 --> 00:38:08.190
  • But what the bottom line is,
  • 00:38:08.190 --> 00:38:10.230
  • is when you're married,
  • 00:38:10.230 --> 00:38:12.120
  • you've taken the responsibility
  • 00:38:12.120 --> 00:38:14.290
  • to be his or to be her
  • 00:38:15.240 --> 00:38:18.240
  • only supply, only resource,
  • 00:38:19.010 --> 00:38:22.010
  • when it comes to dealing
  • 00:38:22.010 --> 00:38:23.070
  • with that sexual intimacy.
  • 00:38:23.070 --> 00:38:24.230
  • And there's so many ways
  • 00:38:24.230 --> 00:38:26.290
  • that you could be creative
  • 00:38:26.290 --> 00:38:27.280
  • - Niyah: To minister,
  • 00:38:29.290 --> 00:38:30.150
  • I like that,
  • 00:38:30.150 --> 00:38:31.120
  • minister to each other.
  • 00:38:31.120 --> 00:38:32.060
  • - Helen: Yeah.
  • 00:38:32.060 --> 00:38:32.250
  • One of the things that John
  • 00:38:32.250 --> 00:38:33.250
  • has said often,
  • 00:38:33.250 --> 00:38:34.170
  • and I couldn't agree more with,
  • 00:38:34.170 --> 00:38:35.170
  • he said, "You know,
  • 00:38:35.170 --> 00:38:36.110
  • it is the responsibility
  • 00:38:36.110 --> 00:38:37.170
  • of every husband and every wife
  • 00:38:37.170 --> 00:38:39.270
  • to become the expert
  • 00:38:39.270 --> 00:38:42.110
  • on their sexuality,
  • 00:38:42.110 --> 00:38:43.290
  • not in general,
  • 00:38:43.290 --> 00:38:45.110
  • but their sexuality."
  • 00:38:45.110 --> 00:38:47.070
  • So that is really understanding
  • 00:38:47.070 --> 00:38:48.250
  • what each other's needs are,
  • 00:38:48.250 --> 00:38:50.140
  • which means we need to be
  • 00:38:50.140 --> 00:38:51.100
  • open and honest about it.
  • 00:38:51.100 --> 00:38:53.000
  • But really to discover,
  • 00:38:53.000 --> 00:38:54.130
  • and understanding, you know,
  • 00:38:54.130 --> 00:38:55.260
  • sometimes it's the husband who,
  • 00:38:55.260 --> 00:38:58.070
  • their sex drive really wanes.
  • 00:38:58.070 --> 00:38:59.210
  • Maybe they're under tremendous
  • 00:38:59.210 --> 00:39:01.170
  • financial pressure, or you know,
  • 00:39:01.170 --> 00:39:03.200
  • job or whatever.
  • 00:39:03.200 --> 00:39:04.200
  • So I think that there's grace
  • 00:39:04.200 --> 00:39:06.020
  • for each of them.
  • 00:39:06.020 --> 00:39:06.240
  • Because this isn't just
  • 00:39:06.240 --> 00:39:07.190
  • a problem for a new mom.
  • 00:39:07.190 --> 00:39:09.080
  • Though it's very common that we
  • 00:39:09.080 --> 00:39:11.150
  • feel like we're failing,
  • 00:39:11.150 --> 00:39:12.100
  • "I have to take care of baby.
  • 00:39:12.100 --> 00:39:13.190
  • I have to take care of him.
  • 00:39:13.190 --> 00:39:14.170
  • I'm not doing anything right."
  • 00:39:14.170 --> 00:39:16.040
  • And they need to know it's
  • 00:39:16.040 --> 00:39:17.040
  • a season.
  • 00:39:17.040 --> 00:39:18.080
  • But also, being able to talk
  • 00:39:18.080 --> 00:39:20.160
  • about it.
  • 00:39:20.160 --> 00:39:21.050
  • And I think so often we're not
  • 00:39:21.050 --> 00:39:22.160
  • comfortable talking about our
  • 00:39:22.160 --> 00:39:23.270
  • needs and our expectations.
  • 00:39:23.270 --> 00:39:26.110
  • And you know, I mean,
  • 00:39:26.110 --> 00:39:27.240
  • I used to think about, you know,
  • 00:39:27.240 --> 00:39:29.210
  • John would tell me,
  • 00:39:29.210 --> 00:39:30.070
  • "That's my favorite way
  • 00:39:30.070 --> 00:39:31.030
  • to cook chicken.
  • 00:39:31.030 --> 00:39:32.020
  • Can you cook chicken
  • 00:39:32.020 --> 00:39:32.230
  • that way all the time?"
  • 00:39:32.230 --> 00:39:33.210
  • We'll talk about chicken.
  • 00:39:33.210 --> 00:39:35.070
  • We'll talk about the kids.
  • 00:39:35.070 --> 00:39:35.250
  • But we won't talk about
  • 00:39:35.250 --> 00:39:36.160
  • our sex life.
  • 00:39:36.160 --> 00:39:37.090
  • And I think we need to get great
  • 00:39:37.090 --> 00:39:38.150
  • at that.
  • 00:39:38.150 --> 00:39:39.080
  • We really do.
  • 00:39:39.080 --> 00:39:39.290
  • - Niyah: So does she have
  • 00:39:39.290 --> 00:39:41.070
  • to still, even in that season,
  • 00:39:41.070 --> 00:39:43.170
  • do you have to still perform?
  • 00:39:43.170 --> 00:39:45.220
  • - John: It depends on what you
  • 00:39:45.220 --> 00:39:46.110
  • call "perform."
  • 00:39:46.110 --> 00:39:47.290
  • She gets to be his only source
  • 00:39:48.210 --> 00:39:51.210
  • of sexual fulfillment.
  • 00:39:51.210 --> 00:39:53.200
  • How you do that is up to you.
  • 00:39:53.200 --> 00:39:55.070
  • - Helen: But I know someone,
  • 00:39:55.070 --> 00:39:55.280
  • like, a considerable husband,
  • 00:39:55.280 --> 00:39:57.170
  • as you were, he would never put
  • 00:39:57.170 --> 00:39:59.240
  • a demand on that.
  • 00:39:59.240 --> 00:40:00.250
  • Because he was concerned
  • 00:40:00.250 --> 00:40:01.240
  • about my well-being as well.
  • 00:40:01.240 --> 00:40:04.150
  • But it has to be a discussion.
  • 00:40:04.150 --> 00:40:06.030
  • You can't demand it.
  • 00:40:06.030 --> 00:40:07.080
  • And you shouldn't demand it
  • 00:40:07.080 --> 00:40:08.270
  • at any time in the sense of,
  • 00:40:08.270 --> 00:40:10.010
  • you know, "You're married to me.
  • 00:40:10.010 --> 00:40:11.270
  • You must," you know?
  • 00:40:11.270 --> 00:40:13.290
  • But love gives.
  • 00:40:13.290 --> 00:40:15.040
  • It doesn't take.
  • 00:40:15.040 --> 00:40:16.100
  • - female:
  • 00:40:16.100 --> 00:40:16.250
  • Hi, I have a question.
  • 00:40:16.250 --> 00:40:18.030
  • As a parent, what is your best
  • 00:40:18.210 --> 00:40:21.210
  • recommendation on disciplining
  • 00:40:21.210 --> 00:40:23.130
  • your children, little ones?
  • 00:40:23.260 --> 00:40:26.260
  • - Helen: That's a big question.
  • 00:40:26.260 --> 00:40:28.020
  • Now that I'm a grandparent,
  • 00:40:28.020 --> 00:40:29.060
  • nothing.
  • 00:40:29.060 --> 00:40:29.290
  • Give them candy.
  • 00:40:29.290 --> 00:40:30.210
  • Let them go to bed whenever they
  • 00:40:30.210 --> 00:40:32.040
  • want to.
  • 00:40:32.040 --> 00:40:34.060
  • You know, we have a little
  • 00:40:34.060 --> 00:40:34.270
  • saying at our house,
  • 00:40:34.270 --> 00:40:35.260
  • "Life is short.
  • 00:40:35.260 --> 00:40:36.240
  • Eat dessert first."
  • 00:40:36.240 --> 00:40:38.130
  • Nothing that I ever did.
  • 00:40:38.130 --> 00:40:39.180
  • "Make a mess.
  • 00:40:39.180 --> 00:40:40.110
  • Fingerprints are darling."
  • 00:40:41.120 --> 00:40:44.120
  • I think children do best
  • 00:40:44.120 --> 00:40:47.070
  • in a real atmosphere
  • 00:40:47.070 --> 00:40:48.090
  • and in a nurturing environment.
  • 00:40:48.110 --> 00:40:51.110
  • When children are little,
  • 00:40:51.110 --> 00:40:52.110
  • there are times that you need
  • 00:40:52.110 --> 00:40:53.170
  • to deal with it tough and quick,
  • 00:40:53.170 --> 00:40:55.130
  • that you protect them from
  • 00:40:55.130 --> 00:40:56.050
  • hurting themselves.
  • 00:40:56.050 --> 00:40:58.050
  • But I think that, like,
  • 00:40:58.050 --> 00:41:00.030
  • if I think of my grandchildren,
  • 00:41:00.030 --> 00:41:01.050
  • if you wanted to, like,
  • 00:41:01.050 --> 00:41:02.190
  • my grandson, if you really,
  • 00:41:02.190 --> 00:41:03.170
  • like,
  • 00:41:03.170 --> 00:41:04.140
  • this is the final consequence,
  • 00:41:04.140 --> 00:41:05.110
  • and this is, you know,
  • 00:41:05.110 --> 00:41:07.190
  • take away his favorite toys.
  • 00:41:07.190 --> 00:41:09.200
  • Give him a time out.
  • 00:41:09.200 --> 00:41:10.260
  • Let him know that there's
  • 00:41:10.260 --> 00:41:11.220
  • consequences with his behavior.
  • 00:41:11.220 --> 00:41:14.040
  • And I think that so often what
  • 00:41:14.040 --> 00:41:15.140
  • has happened in the world,
  • 00:41:15.140 --> 00:41:16.170
  • there's a lot of violence
  • 00:41:16.170 --> 00:41:17.220
  • and a lot of hurt,
  • 00:41:17.220 --> 00:41:18.210
  • and stuff like that.
  • 00:41:18.210 --> 00:41:20.060
  • I would use every resource
  • 00:41:20.060 --> 00:41:22.140
  • available to let them know,
  • 00:41:22.140 --> 00:41:23.200
  • "This is unacceptable behavior."
  • 00:41:23.200 --> 00:41:25.180
  • And you know, time outs work.
  • 00:41:25.180 --> 00:41:28.000
  • I mean,
  • 00:41:28.000 --> 00:41:29.000
  • so many people got beaten.
  • 00:41:29.000 --> 00:41:30.020
  • I mean, I know, yeah,
  • 00:41:30.020 --> 00:41:31.180
  • it's wrong.
  • 00:41:31.180 --> 00:41:32.080
  • I don't like that.
  • 00:41:32.080 --> 00:41:33.220
  • That's why I'm a grandmother
  • 00:41:33.220 --> 00:41:34.220
  • now.
  • 00:41:34.220 --> 00:41:35.080
  • - John: Yeah, let me just give
  • 00:41:35.080 --> 00:41:36.090
  • you the definition of
  • 00:41:36.090 --> 00:41:37.160
  • to the opposite,
  • 00:41:39.170 --> 00:41:40.040
  • which is "punishment."
  • 00:41:40.040 --> 00:41:41.160
  • - Helen: Yeah, good.
  • 00:41:41.160 --> 00:41:42.260
  • - John: Punishment is all about
  • 00:41:42.260 --> 00:41:43.250
  • the past.
  • 00:41:43.250 --> 00:41:44.290
  • You punish you because you
  • 00:41:44.290 --> 00:41:45.270
  • were bad.
  • 00:41:45.270 --> 00:41:47.170
  • It doesn't make you any better.
  • 00:41:47.170 --> 00:41:49.150
  • Discipline's all about
  • 00:41:49.150 --> 00:41:50.090
  • the future.
  • 00:41:50.090 --> 00:41:51.160
  • You discipline because of who
  • 00:41:51.160 --> 00:41:52.240
  • you really are and what you
  • 00:41:52.240 --> 00:41:54.110
  • really wanna do.
  • 00:41:54.110 --> 00:41:56.010
  • Never identify a child according
  • 00:41:56.010 --> 00:41:58.100
  • to his behavior.
  • 00:41:58.100 --> 00:42:00.150
  • Always identify a child
  • 00:42:00.150 --> 00:42:02.180
  • according to who they are,
  • 00:42:02.180 --> 00:42:03.040
  • and then deal with the behavior
  • 00:42:03.040 --> 00:42:05.030
  • to get it in line
  • 00:42:05.030 --> 00:42:06.020
  • with who they are.
  • 00:42:06.020 --> 00:42:06.280
  • Discipline is looking
  • 00:42:06.280 --> 00:42:08.020
  • to the future.
  • 00:42:08.020 --> 00:42:09.040
  • And you do use any kind of,
  • 00:42:10.060 --> 00:42:13.060
  • there's many ways to do it,
  • 00:42:13.060 --> 00:42:14.060
  • taking things away from them.
  • 00:42:14.060 --> 00:42:15.020
  • The last resort would be that
  • 00:42:15.020 --> 00:42:18.000
  • you actually have to do
  • 00:42:18.000 --> 00:42:18.210
  • something physical,
  • 00:42:18.210 --> 00:42:19.290
  • but it's got to do with a life
  • 00:42:19.290 --> 00:42:21.280
  • and death kind of situation.
  • 00:42:21.280 --> 00:42:24.080
  • But to me, the key is to never
  • 00:42:24.080 --> 00:42:26.180
  • punish a child.
  • 00:42:26.180 --> 00:42:27.240
  • Always discipline.
  • 00:42:27.240 --> 00:42:29.050
  • It's not about the past.
  • 00:42:29.050 --> 00:42:30.060
  • It's about the future.
  • 00:42:30.060 --> 00:42:31.120
  • And it's about,
  • 00:42:31.120 --> 00:42:32.060
  • "You're a good boy, a good girl,
  • 00:42:32.060 --> 00:42:33.260
  • and this is the way you want
  • 00:42:33.260 --> 00:42:35.110
  • to act.
  • 00:42:35.110 --> 00:42:36.130
  • And I'm gonna help you act
  • 00:42:36.130 --> 00:42:37.190
  • - Niyah: We got so much wisdom
  • 00:42:39.200 --> 00:42:40.090
  • here.
  • 00:42:40.090 --> 00:42:41.010
  • And thank you, John and Helen
  • 00:42:41.010 --> 00:42:42.080
  • for being with us and sharing
  • 00:42:42.080 --> 00:42:43.230
  • all your godly wisdom.
  • 00:42:43.230 --> 00:42:45.010
  • I love this.
  • 00:42:45.010 --> 00:42:45.290
  • Now, right after the break,
  • 00:42:45.290 --> 00:42:47.030
  • John and Helen outline their
  • 00:42:47.030 --> 00:42:47.270
  • final messages on the topic
  • 00:42:47.270 --> 00:42:49.220
  • of online dating.
  • 00:42:49.220 --> 00:42:51.000
  • You don't wanna go anywhere.
  • 00:42:51.000 --> 00:42:51.260
  • - Niyah: Welcome back
  • 00:43:00.220 --> 00:43:01.090
  • to the show, where we cover
  • 00:43:01.090 --> 00:43:02.220
  • everything surrounding sex,
  • 00:43:02.220 --> 00:43:04.130
  • love, and relationships.
  • 00:43:04.130 --> 00:43:05.290
  • Now, I know we've talked
  • 00:43:05.290 --> 00:43:07.110
  • a lot about love.
  • 00:43:07.110 --> 00:43:08.110
  • And I know we've talked
  • 00:43:08.110 --> 00:43:08.270
  • a lot about relationships.
  • 00:43:08.270 --> 00:43:10.160
  • But not too much about sex.
  • 00:43:10.160 --> 00:43:12.080
  • So you just stay tuned
  • 00:43:12.080 --> 00:43:13.120
  • because we're gonna go there.
  • 00:43:13.120 --> 00:43:15.200
  • But before we do,
  • 00:43:15.200 --> 00:43:16.270
  • we couldn't resist asking
  • 00:43:16.270 --> 00:43:18.120
  • our studio audience members
  • 00:43:18.120 --> 00:43:19.180
  • if they would reveal their
  • 00:43:19.180 --> 00:43:20.180
  • own insights
  • 00:43:20.180 --> 00:43:21.290
  • on sex, love, and relationships
  • 00:43:21.290 --> 00:43:23.070
  • for John and Helen.
  • 00:43:23.070 --> 00:43:24.170
  • - male: What are your first
  • 00:43:26.180 --> 00:43:27.050
  • words in the morning?
  • 00:43:27.050 --> 00:43:28.040
  • - male: Hello.
  • 00:43:28.040 --> 00:43:29.120
  • - male: Why do you think good
  • 00:43:29.120 --> 00:43:30.010
  • people cheat?
  • 00:43:30.010 --> 00:43:31.030
  • - male: Boredom.
  • 00:43:31.030 --> 00:43:32.110
  • - male: What do you do if you
  • 00:43:32.110 --> 00:43:33.110
  • like someone?
  • 00:43:33.110 --> 00:43:35.030
  • - male: Give them a kiss.
  • 00:43:35.030 --> 00:43:37.110
  • - male: You think sexting's
  • 00:43:37.110 --> 00:43:38.040
  • okay?
  • 00:43:38.040 --> 00:43:38.280
  • - male: No.
  • 00:43:38.280 --> 00:43:39.280
  • - male: What's a symbol
  • 00:43:39.280 --> 00:43:40.170
  • of being in love?
  • 00:43:40.190 --> 00:43:43.190
  • - male: Providing for someone.
  • 00:43:43.190 --> 00:43:45.140
  • - male: Do you think opposites
  • 00:43:45.140 --> 00:43:46.030
  • can attract?
  • 00:43:46.030 --> 00:43:46.240
  • - male: Yes.
  • 00:43:46.240 --> 00:43:48.020
  • - male: Should you text someone
  • 00:43:48.020 --> 00:43:48.210
  • right back?
  • 00:43:48.210 --> 00:43:50.030
  • - male: If it's important.
  • 00:43:50.030 --> 00:43:51.110
  • - male: Do you think flirting
  • 00:43:51.110 --> 00:43:52.010
  • is cheating?
  • 00:43:52.010 --> 00:43:53.040
  • - male: Yes.
  • 00:43:53.040 --> 00:43:54.160
  • - male: If you could ask
  • 00:43:54.160 --> 00:43:55.020
  • a woman one question,
  • 00:43:55.020 --> 00:43:56.110
  • what would it be?
  • 00:43:56.110 --> 00:43:58.080
  • - male: Does this look good?
  • 00:43:58.080 --> 00:44:00.190
  • - male: Is being friends with
  • 00:44:00.190 --> 00:44:01.070
  • your ex okay?
  • 00:44:01.070 --> 00:44:02.140
  • - Niyah: Okay,
  • 00:44:04.200 --> 00:44:05.050
  • this is some good stuff.
  • 00:44:05.050 --> 00:44:06.070
  • I'm ready to go there.
  • 00:44:06.070 --> 00:44:07.060
  • I am ready to go there.
  • 00:44:07.060 --> 00:44:09.150
  • Now, he says, the question was,
  • 00:44:10.040 --> 00:44:13.040
  • "Why do good people cheat?"
  • 00:44:13.040 --> 00:44:14.250
  • And he said, "Boredom."
  • 00:44:14.250 --> 00:44:16.110
  • Okay, we're gonna go there,
  • 00:44:16.110 --> 00:44:17.140
  • okay?
  • 00:44:17.140 --> 00:44:18.130
  • Pastors, boredom, really?
  • 00:44:19.130 --> 00:44:22.130
  • Because you're bored?
  • 00:44:22.130 --> 00:44:23.180
  • - John: It's, actually,
  • 00:44:23.180 --> 00:44:24.190
  • it's probably a good answer,
  • 00:44:24.190 --> 00:44:26.080
  • but it's really a sad situation
  • 00:44:26.080 --> 00:44:29.050
  • that people let them self get
  • 00:44:29.050 --> 00:44:31.020
  • to the place where they feel
  • 00:44:31.020 --> 00:44:32.080
  • they're a victim
  • 00:44:32.080 --> 00:44:33.150
  • of their feelings.
  • 00:44:33.150 --> 00:44:34.260
  • "I'm so bored so I deserve
  • 00:44:34.260 --> 00:44:36.200
  • to go and do something that
  • 00:44:36.200 --> 00:44:38.210
  • I shouldn't do,
  • 00:44:38.210 --> 00:44:40.010
  • go and hurt somebody
  • 00:44:40.010 --> 00:44:41.120
  • that I shouldn't hurt."
  • 00:44:41.120 --> 00:44:42.100
  • Which is really what happens
  • 00:44:42.100 --> 00:44:43.270
  • when you're unfaithful.
  • 00:44:43.270 --> 00:44:45.180
  • - Helen: You always talk
  • 00:44:45.180 --> 00:44:47.080
  • to people about the best way
  • 00:44:47.080 --> 00:44:49.200
  • to stay in love for a lifetime.
  • 00:44:49.200 --> 00:44:51.030
  • Because many people think
  • 00:44:51.030 --> 00:44:51.280
  • you can't.
  • 00:44:51.280 --> 00:44:52.240
  • They think,
  • 00:44:52.240 --> 00:44:53.180
  • "Oh, sex with 1 person for,
  • 00:44:53.180 --> 00:44:55.020
  • like, 60 years?
  • 00:44:55.020 --> 00:44:56.080
  • Oh my gosh.
  • 00:44:56.080 --> 00:44:57.020
  • That is boring."
  • 00:44:57.020 --> 00:44:58.070
  • And yet, God made sex.
  • 00:44:58.070 --> 00:44:59.240
  • God created marriage.
  • 00:44:59.240 --> 00:45:01.050
  • So, obviously,
  • 00:45:01.050 --> 00:45:02.030
  • if God created it,
  • 00:45:02.030 --> 00:45:03.130
  • it's spectacular.
  • 00:45:03.130 --> 00:45:04.270
  • And so you always tell people
  • 00:45:04.270 --> 00:45:06.090
  • two words: "Stay amazed."
  • 00:45:06.090 --> 00:45:07.180
  • - John: Boredom is a choice.
  • 00:45:07.180 --> 00:45:08.230
  • Stay amazed is how you keep
  • 00:45:08.230 --> 00:45:11.200
  • your, you know, your
  • 00:45:11.200 --> 00:45:12.230
  • relationship healthy.
  • 00:45:12.230 --> 00:45:14.080
  • But boredom's a choice.
  • 00:45:14.080 --> 00:45:16.150
  • And to make a choice
  • 00:45:16.150 --> 00:45:17.290
  • and then to blame your,
  • 00:45:18.160 --> 00:45:21.160
  • you know, your conduct,
  • 00:45:21.160 --> 00:45:22.230
  • which is so negative,
  • 00:45:22.230 --> 00:45:24.020
  • on your choice, wow.
  • 00:45:24.020 --> 00:45:26.050
  • - Helen: I have to say,
  • 00:45:26.050 --> 00:45:26.260
  • thought, one of his comments
  • 00:45:26.260 --> 00:45:27.280
  • in there is very familiar.
  • 00:45:27.280 --> 00:45:30.210
  • - John: What was that?
  • 00:45:30.210 --> 00:45:31.100
  • - Helen:
  • 00:45:31.100 --> 00:45:31.290
  • "What do you say a woman?"
  • 00:45:31.290 --> 00:45:32.220
  • "Does this look okay?"
  • 00:45:32.220 --> 00:45:33.220
  • - John: "Does this look good?"
  • 00:45:33.220 --> 00:45:35.020
  • I mean, I got a lot of women
  • 00:45:35.020 --> 00:45:35.220
  • in my world,
  • 00:45:35.220 --> 00:45:36.270
  • and I have said that so often.
  • 00:45:36.270 --> 00:45:39.060
  • - Helen: Yeah, it's like, and
  • 00:45:39.060 --> 00:45:40.210
  • then, after he's all dressed,
  • 00:45:40.210 --> 00:45:42.000
  • he looks in the mirror and goes,
  • 00:45:42.000 --> 00:45:43.110
  • "Hey."
  • 00:45:43.110 --> 00:45:44.100
  • - John: But people sometimes
  • 00:45:44.100 --> 00:45:45.010
  • will say to me,
  • 00:45:45.010 --> 00:45:45.280
  • "Oh, you're lookin' cool,
  • 00:45:45.280 --> 00:45:46.280
  • Pastor."
  • 00:45:46.280 --> 00:45:47.130
  • It's not my doing at all.
  • 00:45:47.160 --> 00:45:50.160
  • It's the women in my world.
  • 00:45:50.160 --> 00:45:51.250
  • - Helen: I got a text from
  • 00:45:51.250 --> 00:45:52.210
  • my girls one day.
  • 00:45:52.210 --> 00:45:53.170
  • I was overseas somewhere and
  • 00:45:53.170 --> 00:45:55.150
  • John showed up at the office.
  • 00:45:55.150 --> 00:45:56.210
  • And my girls,
  • 00:45:56.210 --> 00:45:57.240
  • two of them work at the office,
  • 00:45:57.240 --> 00:45:58.290
  • sent pictures of John
  • 00:45:58.290 --> 00:46:00.060
  • independently and said,
  • 00:46:00.060 --> 00:46:01.080
  • "Dad needs help.
  • 00:46:01.080 --> 00:46:02.020
  • Look what he wore today."
  • 00:46:02.020 --> 00:46:03.070
  • Honestly, I'm like--
  • 00:46:03.070 --> 00:46:05.160
  • - John: It was so bad.
  • 00:46:05.160 --> 00:46:06.240
  • - Helen: "What?"
  • 00:46:06.240 --> 00:46:07.130
  • It was, I should put it out on
  • 00:46:07.130 --> 00:46:08.160
  • public media to just completely,
  • 00:46:08.160 --> 00:46:10.070
  • no, I wouldn't.
  • 00:46:10.070 --> 00:46:11.040
  • Because it's actually quite
  • 00:46:11.040 --> 00:46:12.040
  • shocking.
  • 00:46:12.040 --> 00:46:12.280
  • - Niyah: Oh dear, oh dear.
  • 00:46:12.280 --> 00:46:14.050
  • - John: I need help.
  • 00:46:14.050 --> 00:46:14.220
  • - Niyah: Well, we're gonna
  • 00:46:14.220 --> 00:46:15.090
  • go into another "oh dear" moment
  • 00:46:15.090 --> 00:46:16.130
  • because we're about to talk
  • 00:46:16.130 --> 00:46:17.170
  • about sex.
  • 00:46:17.170 --> 00:46:18.040
  • And we're gonna get some
  • 00:46:18.040 --> 00:46:18.250
  • questions.
  • 00:46:18.250 --> 00:46:19.130
  • And you guys have been sending
  • 00:46:19.130 --> 00:46:21.040
  • us a bunch of questions.
  • 00:46:21.040 --> 00:46:22.080
  • One of the questions we actually
  • 00:46:22.080 --> 00:46:23.050
  • got was, "Why is sex outside
  • 00:46:23.050 --> 00:46:25.010
  • of marriage wrong?"
  • 00:46:25.010 --> 00:46:27.020
  • - John: That's a really good
  • 00:46:27.020 --> 00:46:27.200
  • question.
  • 00:46:27.200 --> 00:46:28.040
  • And it's so common in our world
  • 00:46:28.040 --> 00:46:30.000
  • today.
  • 00:46:30.000 --> 00:46:30.160
  • So many people think
  • 00:46:30.160 --> 00:46:31.030
  • that it's natural and normal.
  • 00:46:31.030 --> 00:46:32.140
  • Why?
  • 00:46:32.140 --> 00:46:33.020
  • Because in our culture, we
  • 00:46:33.020 --> 00:46:34.120
  • accept it as natural and normal.
  • 00:46:34.120 --> 00:46:36.250
  • But if you went to the Bible
  • 00:46:36.250 --> 00:46:38.280
  • and you asked the bottom line,
  • 00:46:38.280 --> 00:46:40.290
  • "God, why is sex out of marriage
  • 00:46:40.290 --> 00:46:43.180
  • not normal, not good?"
  • 00:46:43.180 --> 00:46:45.280
  • He would say,
  • 00:46:45.280 --> 00:46:46.160
  • "Because it's not the best.
  • 00:46:46.160 --> 00:46:48.140
  • It's not the best."
  • 00:46:48.140 --> 00:46:49.160
  • God has the best for us.
  • 00:46:49.160 --> 00:46:51.120
  • And the best is that we would
  • 00:46:51.120 --> 00:46:53.060
  • keep sex, which is, I mean,
  • 00:46:53.060 --> 00:46:55.180
  • it's so much more than what
  • 00:46:55.180 --> 00:46:57.020
  • sometimes is thought about
  • 00:46:57.020 --> 00:46:58.130
  • in our world.
  • 00:46:58.130 --> 00:46:59.070
  • Our culture, we think sex
  • 00:46:59.070 --> 00:47:00.230
  • to be some physical act, event,
  • 00:47:01.050 --> 00:47:04.050
  • you know, and that's it.
  • 00:47:04.050 --> 00:47:06.090
  • But biblically,
  • 00:47:06.090 --> 00:47:07.230
  • it's so much more.
  • 00:47:07.230 --> 00:47:08.290
  • It's more about the meaning
  • 00:47:08.290 --> 00:47:10.130
  • behind it than it is the event.
  • 00:47:10.130 --> 00:47:12.070
  • - Helen: You know, somebody
  • 00:47:12.070 --> 00:47:13.010
  • gave this example
  • 00:47:13.010 --> 00:47:14.000
  • a long time ago,
  • 00:47:14.000 --> 00:47:14.170
  • and I wish I could give credit
  • 00:47:14.170 --> 00:47:15.230
  • 'cause I can't even remember who
  • 00:47:15.230 --> 00:47:17.010
  • it was 'cause it's,
  • 00:47:17.010 --> 00:47:18.100
  • but he talked about a fireplace
  • 00:47:18.100 --> 00:47:19.280
  • and the beauty of a fireplace.
  • 00:47:19.280 --> 00:47:21.250
  • And he talked about fire.
  • 00:47:21.250 --> 00:47:23.120
  • And he talked about if you take
  • 00:47:23.120 --> 00:47:24.250
  • fire and you put it in a
  • 00:47:24.250 --> 00:47:25.200
  • fireplace, it is going to create
  • 00:47:25.200 --> 00:47:28.090
  • warmth.
  • 00:47:28.090 --> 00:47:28.280
  • It just, there's a beauty around
  • 00:47:28.280 --> 00:47:30.180
  • it when it's in your home,
  • 00:47:30.180 --> 00:47:31.170
  • and it warms everything up.
  • 00:47:31.170 --> 00:47:33.010
  • But you take that same fire,
  • 00:47:33.010 --> 00:47:34.260
  • and sex is like a fire,
  • 00:47:34.260 --> 00:47:36.090
  • and you put it in your closet,
  • 00:47:36.090 --> 00:47:38.010
  • it's destructive.
  • 00:47:38.010 --> 00:47:39.010
  • When we use it in the context
  • 00:47:39.010 --> 00:47:41.040
  • of where it belongs, every,
  • 00:47:41.040 --> 00:47:42.160
  • it brings warmth.
  • 00:47:42.160 --> 00:47:43.150
  • It brings a sense of wholeness
  • 00:47:43.150 --> 00:47:45.200
  • and strength.
  • 00:47:45.200 --> 00:47:46.110
  • And it's fantastic.
  • 00:47:46.110 --> 00:47:47.250
  • - John: I think if you look
  • 00:47:47.250 --> 00:47:48.230
  • at the world today, you can see
  • 00:47:48.230 --> 00:47:50.190
  • that sex is so important.
  • 00:47:50.190 --> 00:47:52.080
  • I mean, sex sells.
  • 00:47:52.080 --> 00:47:54.020
  • That's what they say.
  • 00:47:54.020 --> 00:47:55.000
  • Everything has
  • 00:47:55.000 --> 00:47:55.240
  • a sexual background.
  • 00:47:55.240 --> 00:47:57.010
  • It shows you how powerful it is.
  • 00:47:57.010 --> 00:47:59.210
  • And what we need to recognize
  • 00:47:59.210 --> 00:48:01.210
  • is God has created
  • 00:48:01.210 --> 00:48:03.010
  • an institution that actually
  • 00:48:03.010 --> 00:48:05.020
  • is strong enough to control,
  • 00:48:05.020 --> 00:48:06.120
  • to contain that most powerful
  • 00:48:06.120 --> 00:48:08.210
  • element called "sex."
  • 00:48:08.210 --> 00:48:10.090
  • - Niyah: What would you say
  • 00:48:10.090 --> 00:48:10.270
  • to someone who might be
  • 00:48:10.270 --> 00:48:12.000
  • in a relationship right now that
  • 00:48:12.000 --> 00:48:13.230
  • they're Christians and they're
  • 00:48:13.230 --> 00:48:15.150
  • kinda, you know,
  • 00:48:15.150 --> 00:48:16.090
  • doing it maybe the wrong way
  • 00:48:16.090 --> 00:48:17.170
  • and actually having sex,
  • 00:48:17.170 --> 00:48:18.230
  • but they wanna stop,
  • 00:48:18.230 --> 00:48:19.250
  • but they're struggling?
  • 00:48:19.250 --> 00:48:20.270
  • What would you say to them to--?
  • 00:48:20.270 --> 00:48:22.180
  • - Helen: Well, I would say you
  • 00:48:22.180 --> 00:48:23.070
  • need to, it's gonna be really
  • 00:48:23.070 --> 00:48:25.000
  • difficult to stop if you keep
  • 00:48:25.000 --> 00:48:26.130
  • putting yourself in places
  • 00:48:26.130 --> 00:48:28.140
  • where, you know, sex is a very,
  • 00:48:28.160 --> 00:48:31.160
  • it's a, there is an instinctual
  • 00:48:31.160 --> 00:48:33.050
  • part about it.
  • 00:48:33.050 --> 00:48:34.150
  • But if you create
  • 00:48:34.150 --> 00:48:35.080
  • an environment,
  • 00:48:35.080 --> 00:48:36.100
  • if you're watching
  • 00:48:36.100 --> 00:48:37.130
  • a romantic movie,
  • 00:48:37.130 --> 00:48:39.020
  • you're in his bedroom
  • 00:48:39.020 --> 00:48:41.150
  • and laying down in bed
  • 00:48:41.150 --> 00:48:42.180
  • watching this movie,
  • 00:48:42.180 --> 00:48:43.220
  • don't be shocked if suddenly you
  • 00:48:43.220 --> 00:48:45.100
  • find yourself doing stuff
  • 00:48:45.100 --> 00:48:46.060
  • that's inappropriate.
  • 00:48:46.060 --> 00:48:47.050
  • You're setting yourself up for
  • 00:48:47.050 --> 00:48:48.150
  • a fail.
  • 00:48:48.150 --> 00:48:49.200
  • So I think you have to have
  • 00:48:49.200 --> 00:48:50.240
  • healthy boundaries and say,
  • 00:48:50.240 --> 00:48:52.080
  • "There's places we can't go.
  • 00:48:52.080 --> 00:48:54.100
  • This is not the best for us.
  • 00:48:54.100 --> 00:48:55.250
  • We want to go the distance
  • 00:48:55.250 --> 00:48:57.260
  • and honor each other's sexuality
  • 00:48:57.260 --> 00:49:00.170
  • and keep the marriage bed holy
  • 00:49:00.170 --> 00:49:02.290
  • and keep that for our future."
  • 00:49:02.290 --> 00:49:04.140
  • I would say stop it and realize,
  • 00:49:04.140 --> 00:49:06.150
  • what are you doing to set
  • 00:49:06.150 --> 00:49:07.130
  • yourself up to constantly fail
  • 00:49:07.130 --> 00:49:09.060
  • in this area?
  • 00:49:09.060 --> 00:49:10.090
  • And bring it back.
  • 00:49:10.090 --> 00:49:11.140
  • 'Cause everybody can do it.
  • 00:49:11.140 --> 00:49:12.240
  • It's not too hard.
  • 00:49:12.240 --> 00:49:13.220
  • It really bothers me actually
  • 00:49:13.220 --> 00:49:16.040
  • that when people say,
  • 00:49:16.040 --> 00:49:17.040
  • "Well, you know, it's not normal
  • 00:49:17.040 --> 00:49:19.100
  • not to have sex."
  • 00:49:19.100 --> 00:49:21.040
  • As if we're just creatures of
  • 00:49:21.040 --> 00:49:22.140
  • habit and we just do whatever.
  • 00:49:22.140 --> 00:49:23.220
  • - John:
  • 00:49:23.220 --> 00:49:24.070
  • Right, we're just animals.
  • 00:49:24.070 --> 00:49:25.040
  • - Helen: You know,
  • 00:49:25.040 --> 00:49:25.200
  • there's proper ways to conduct
  • 00:49:25.200 --> 00:49:27.190
  • ourselves.
  • 00:49:27.190 --> 00:49:28.250
  • And so you have to set yourself
  • 00:49:28.250 --> 00:49:30.130
  • up for a win, not a fail.
  • 00:49:30.130 --> 00:49:31.290
  • - Niyah: Wow, so good.
  • 00:49:31.290 --> 00:49:32.290
  • So good.
  • 00:49:32.290 --> 00:49:33.230
  • Pastor John,
  • 00:49:33.230 --> 00:49:34.090
  • talk to us about today.
  • 00:49:34.090 --> 00:49:35.210
  • We talked about online datin',
  • 00:49:35.210 --> 00:49:37.070
  • online dating today.
  • 00:49:37.070 --> 00:49:38.220
  • Wrap up today's episode for us.
  • 00:49:38.220 --> 00:49:40.110
  • - John: I like the way you
  • 00:49:40.110 --> 00:49:40.280
  • first said it.
  • 00:49:40.280 --> 00:49:41.160
  • It's kinda, you got that
  • 00:49:41.160 --> 00:49:42.040
  • Brooklyn "Datin'," you know?
  • 00:49:42.040 --> 00:49:44.020
  • - Helen: Perfect.
  • 00:49:44.020 --> 00:49:44.190
  • I wanna talk like Niyah.
  • 00:49:44.190 --> 00:49:46.060
  • - John: Yeah, me too.
  • 00:49:46.060 --> 00:49:47.080
  • - Niyah: I try to get it under
  • 00:49:47.080 --> 00:49:47.270
  • control--
  • 00:49:47.270 --> 00:49:48.100
  • - John: Yeah, "I wanna have
  • 00:49:48.100 --> 00:49:48.270
  • a cup of coffee.
  • 00:49:48.270 --> 00:49:49.270
  • - Niyah: Bagel and coffee.
  • 00:49:51.280 --> 00:49:52.240
  • - John: C'mon, c'mon.
  • 00:49:52.240 --> 00:49:53.240
  • It's been a great show, talkin'
  • 00:49:53.240 --> 00:49:55.130
  • about online dating,
  • 00:49:55.130 --> 00:49:56.190
  • which is such a major part
  • 00:49:56.190 --> 00:49:58.100
  • of our culture today.
  • 00:49:58.100 --> 00:49:59.280
  • I think it's 1 in 7, is it?
  • 00:49:59.280 --> 00:50:02.120
  • - Helen: I think it's gone
  • 00:50:02.120 --> 00:50:02.290
  • higher, that meet online.
  • 00:50:02.290 --> 00:50:05.010
  • - John: It's maybe even higher
  • 00:50:05.010 --> 00:50:05.240
  • that meet online.
  • 00:50:05.240 --> 00:50:06.160
  • And when it first came out,
  • 00:50:06.160 --> 00:50:08.010
  • when we first started getting
  • 00:50:08.010 --> 00:50:09.160
  • questions about that,
  • 00:50:09.160 --> 00:50:10.040
  • it was like 15, 20 years ago.
  • 00:50:10.040 --> 00:50:11.230
  • And it was like, "No, no, no."
  • 00:50:11.230 --> 00:50:13.190
  • Why?
  • 00:50:13.190 --> 00:50:14.100
  • Why?
  • 00:50:14.100 --> 00:50:15.000
  • Well, because back then you
  • 00:50:15.000 --> 00:50:16.270
  • really didn't know who was on
  • 00:50:16.270 --> 00:50:18.020
  • the other end of that, you know,
  • 00:50:18.020 --> 00:50:21.000
  • communication online.
  • 00:50:21.000 --> 00:50:22.020
  • But now you do.
  • 00:50:22.020 --> 00:50:22.280
  • Now you've got FaceTime.
  • 00:50:22.280 --> 00:50:24.190
  • You've got all those things.
  • 00:50:24.190 --> 00:50:26.260
  • So now I think it's
  • 00:50:26.260 --> 00:50:28.040
  • a different world.
  • 00:50:28.040 --> 00:50:28.290
  • And I think there are some
  • 00:50:28.290 --> 00:50:30.000
  • principles, though,
  • 00:50:30.000 --> 00:50:31.000
  • that still have to be applied.
  • 00:50:31.000 --> 00:50:32.120
  • You can't know somebody
  • 00:50:32.120 --> 00:50:34.080
  • outside of their environment.
  • 00:50:34.080 --> 00:50:35.200
  • So you actually need to see more
  • 00:50:35.200 --> 00:50:37.050
  • than that face and what they
  • 00:50:37.050 --> 00:50:38.100
  • say.
  • 00:50:38.100 --> 00:50:39.030
  • And what you can do is, through
  • 00:50:39.030 --> 00:50:41.100
  • online, you can get to know some
  • 00:50:41.100 --> 00:50:42.110
  • of their world around them
  • 00:50:42.110 --> 00:50:44.170
  • and actually know
  • 00:50:44.170 --> 00:50:46.120
  • that it is a male that you're
  • 00:50:46.120 --> 00:50:47.100
  • talkin' to or a female.
  • 00:50:47.100 --> 00:50:48.130
  • And you know, come and get
  • 00:50:48.130 --> 00:50:50.180
  • involved in their life.
  • 00:50:50.180 --> 00:50:52.000
  • But I think you still need
  • 00:50:52.000 --> 00:50:53.100
  • to take the steps to go
  • 00:50:53.100 --> 00:50:55.150
  • and to meet this person
  • 00:50:55.150 --> 00:50:56.260
  • in their environment so
  • 00:50:56.260 --> 00:50:58.060
  • that you get to know how they
  • 00:50:58.060 --> 00:50:59.200
  • treat people around them.
  • 00:50:59.200 --> 00:51:01.030
  • That's how you really get
  • 00:51:01.030 --> 00:51:02.130
  • to know who that person is.
  • 00:51:02.130 --> 00:51:03.250
  • But I think it's growing
  • 00:51:03.250 --> 00:51:05.100
  • - Niyah: Awesome.
  • 00:51:08.070 --> 00:51:08.250
  • Awesome advice.
  • 00:51:08.250 --> 00:51:09.200
  • Awesome wisdom.
  • 00:51:09.200 --> 00:51:10.250
  • Now, of course we know you love
  • 00:51:10.250 --> 00:51:12.220
  • all the funny parts of this
  • 00:51:12.220 --> 00:51:13.130
  • show.
  • 00:51:13.130 --> 00:51:13.280
  • But we are also aware that these
  • 00:51:13.280 --> 00:51:15.110
  • are real issues that people
  • 00:51:15.110 --> 00:51:16.200
  • deal with.
  • 00:51:16.200 --> 00:51:17.100
  • And if you're concerned about
  • 00:51:17.100 --> 00:51:18.050
  • a friend or a family member,
  • 00:51:18.050 --> 00:51:19.150
  • or even yourself,
  • 00:51:19.150 --> 00:51:20.120
  • regarding the topic
  • 00:51:20.120 --> 00:51:21.060
  • of online dating, we encourage
  • 00:51:21.060 --> 00:51:22.230
  • you to reach out
  • 00:51:22.230 --> 00:51:23.230
  • and to talk to someone.
  • 00:51:23.230 --> 00:51:25.060
  • So now, until next time,
  • 00:51:25.060 --> 00:51:26.280
  • be blessed.
  • 00:51:26.280 --> 00:51:27.240
  • Live large.
  • 00:51:27.240 --> 00:51:28.220
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