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Sex, Love & Relationships

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January 24, 2017
52:03

Online Dating

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Sex, Love & Relationships

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  • take into account your specific situation or needs.
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  • If you or a family member requires assistance or support,
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  • please seek help from a qualified health professional.
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  • [music]
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  • Niyah Rahmaan: Well, welcome to "Sex, Love & Relationships,"
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  • the show where we talk about everything, marriages,
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  • parenting, and even online dating.
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  • My name is Niyah, and I'm here, of course,
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  • with a very special couple, John and Helen Burns.
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  • John and Helen are a wealth of knowledge when it comes
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  • to relationships.
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  • They've had their own radio and television show for years.
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  • They're authors of award-winning and bestselling relationship
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  • books, and have been helping singles and couples navigate
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  • through life for over 30 years.
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  • Today we interview a very special guest who has conquered
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  • the frustrations of online dating, and she kindly gives us
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  • her valuable tips and tricks.
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  • Bianca Olthoff: By the way, free dating advice.
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  • If you break up a lot, that means your relationship
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  • is broken.
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  • So, yes.
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  • Niyah: Also coming up in this show we have John and Helen
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  • taking some real life questions from our studio audience.
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  • female: What is your best recommendation on disciplining
  • 00:01:06.170 --> 00:01:10.000
  • your children?
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  • Helen Burns: Now that I'm a grandparent, nothing.
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  • Give them candy.
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  • Let them go to bed whenever they want to.
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  • Niyah: And we head to social media to see what's
  • 00:01:17.160 --> 00:01:19.070
  • trending online.
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  • John Burns: Have you seen the list that some girls have?
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  • Niyah: Well, what's wrong with a list?
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  • John: Or guys. Let's not talk about just girls.
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  • Niyah: I think a guy's list sometimes could be just as long
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  • as a girl's list sometimes, but we're just very detailed.
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  • John: I disagree.
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  • Niyah: This show covers all of the hard-hitting topics
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  • we need godly wisdom on.
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  • And you don't want to miss this.
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  • [music]
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  • [music]
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  • [music]
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  • Niyah: So once upon a time, many moons ago, you'd meet your
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  • life partner at a bus stop, university, blue light disco,
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  • or even the library.
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  • Well, today it's a digital library
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  • full of profiles, video streaming,
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  • and Instagram pics, you know?
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  • Hey, you just never know where the love of your life could come
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  • from, right, John and Helen?
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  • John: Yeah, and that's why this is a great, great topic.
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  • We're gonna talk about online dating.
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  • Niyah: Yes, online--I'm excited because this is one
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  • of those kinda, like, taboo type things if you're
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  • in the Christian world.
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  • Like, you just don't do, like, if you go online and date, like,
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  • either you're desperate or you're not waiting on the Lord.
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  • You're boxing God out.
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  • What do you guys think about it?
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  • Helen: I actually think it's changed tremendously.
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  • I think in our world it's not taboo anymore.
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  • I think it used to be, but I actually think
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  • it's changed tremendously.
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  • We need to recognize it's here to stay and help people navigate
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  • it with wisdom.
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  • John: But that's the thing, with wisdom.
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  • So today, as we talk about it, hopefully, gonna get some tools,
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  • some wisdom, to people so that they can have the best.
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  • Niyah: I love that. C'mon, you guys are excited.
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  • I'm excited.
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  • Well, now, earlier this week John caught up with a woman who
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  • tested the online dating scene and ended up in a pretty
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  • fabulous predicament.
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  • Check this out.
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  • John: Bianca, I'm so glad you agreed to come on the show
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  • and talk about this really important topic.
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  • And I know you have been raised in this area, and I'd just love
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  • to hear your story.
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  • So start from really young and-- Bianca: Well, I, born and
  • 00:03:31.250 --> 00:03:35.010
  • raised in LA, city of angels, ride or die.
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  • I love it.
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  • I'm a first-generation American.
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  • I am, as I like to say, Mexirican.
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  • My dad's Mexican. My mom's Puerto Rican.
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  • Conservative home, absolutely loved Jesus.
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  • And my parents raised us to make quality decisions all through
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  • growing up that would eventually prepare us not just for marriage
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  • but prepare us for life.
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  • John: So you are a PK.
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  • Bianca: I am.
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  • John: Tell us about that.
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  • Bianca: Well, there's a call on my dad's life.
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  • He came to this country at a young age.
  • 00:04:02.130 --> 00:04:04.090
  • Had a radical encounter overseas in Vietnam fighting as a US MC,
  • 00:04:04.100 --> 00:04:08.120
  • hoorah!
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  • And just experienced the Lord Jesus Christ.
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  • Came back, and then wanted to go back to the hood.
  • 00:04:13.070 --> 00:04:15.050
  • So we started, I say, "We," 'cause you know,
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  • if a pastor's called, you're a pastor,
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  • if a pastor's called, the whole family's called.
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  • So we planted a church in East Los Angeles, California.
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  • There was a great call of ministry upon our life,
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  • but there was also a lot of sacrifices.
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  • So I like to joke with my dad.
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  • And I said, "Daddy, I like that we grew up poor and with a thick
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  • Mexican accent."
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  • "Bianca, we weren't poor."
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  • I said, "You're right, Dad.
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  • We were po', like, so poor we couldn't afford
  • 00:04:37.200 --> 00:04:39.160
  • the O-R, just po'."
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  • But I loved it. We served Jesus.
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  • My parents are still there 35 years later.
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  • John: Wow, awesome.
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  • So growing us as a PK, did that shape some
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  • of your dreams about, like, dating, relationships?
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  • Bianca: Oh, absolutely.
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  • I went to Vacation Bible School, Sunday school, winter camp,
  • 00:04:55.030 --> 00:04:57.170
  • summer camp.
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  • I did Awanas.
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  • I did memory verse Scriptures.
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  • So I had a great, I would say, solid concept of God
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  • is sovereign.
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  • He's over all.
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  • He's in control of all.
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  • He brought Rebekah to Isaac.
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  • And he made Eve for Adam.
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  • So in my mind I thought, "Well, he's gonna do the same
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  • thing for me."
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  • But you know, I'm pushing 30 and there's no
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  • prospects out there.
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  • And my twin sister had said, "I think you should try
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  • online dating."
  • 00:05:24.290 --> 00:05:25.290
  • And I was like, "Craigslist killer, no.
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  • No, thank you."
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  • But she won the battle and she signed me up.
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  • John: Wow, that's awesome. Go back to your teenage years.
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  • Did you have any dating going on then?
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  • Or were you one of those that had the list that was so high
  • 00:05:37.220 --> 00:05:41.060
  • nobody got there?
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  • Bianca: Well, I mean, no.
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  • But maybe I should have. I don't know.
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  • I really didn't do a whole lot of dating in high school.
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  • I was very involved with sports and student body.
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  • But then come college, I kinda felt like,
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  • "Now's the time where I'm gonna settle down."
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  • And you know, I think, specifically,
  • 00:05:53.150 --> 00:05:55.180
  • within Hispanic culture, they expect you to be married
  • 00:05:55.190 --> 00:05:57.100
  • and have 5 kids by 19, you know?
  • 00:05:57.110 --> 00:05:59.030
  • So I was on a little bit of a delayed track.
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  • So I went to college and I met a wonderful man.
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  • I thought he was gonna be my husband.
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  • He loved Jesus.
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  • He was a musician.
  • 00:06:07.210 --> 00:06:09.240
  • But it just turned into a dysfunctional
  • 00:06:09.250 --> 00:06:11.240
  • 3-year relationship.
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  • And I really felt that even though we had broken up
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  • several times, I thought God, I went as far as saying as,
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  • "I believe that God gave me a verse," as to why I was gonna
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  • marry this man.
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  • So then when we broke up for, like, the fifth time,
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  • by the way, free dating advice.
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  • If you break up a lot, that means the relationship
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  • is broken.
  • 00:06:30.010 --> 00:06:31.140
  • So, yes, blaring neon sign that the relationship wasn't
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  • working out.
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  • But once I realized that it was done, I felt a little lost.
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  • Like, I didn't know how to start over again.
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  • John: As a PK, I have three daughters so
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  • I kinda can understand a little bit, do you ever have
  • 00:06:45.170 --> 00:06:48.070
  • to have that thing where guys came up to you and said,
  • 00:06:48.080 --> 00:06:49.210
  • "God told me"?
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  • Bianca: Oh my goodness.
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  • Yes, and it was the weirdest thing.
  • 00:06:51.120 --> 00:06:52.280
  • It was the weirdest thing because I--and my response
  • 00:06:52.290 --> 00:06:54.270
  • was also so lovely, like, "Well, God didn't tell me,"
  • 00:06:54.280 --> 00:06:57.160
  • you know?
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  • I'm like, sometimes within church, men take it, like,
  • 00:06:58.210 --> 00:07:00.230
  • super-fast, like, "You're my Proverbs 31 woman."
  • 00:07:00.240 --> 00:07:03.210
  • One time, this was a crazy, this was crazy.
  • 00:07:03.220 --> 00:07:05.190
  • This is why Christian guys, oh, a little crazy sometimes.
  • 00:07:05.200 --> 00:07:07.260
  • A guy was like, "If I offer you 20 camels
  • 00:07:07.270 --> 00:07:10.000
  • will you come be with my family?"
  • 00:07:10.010 --> 00:07:11.120
  • John: Oh, Lord.
  • 00:07:11.130 --> 00:07:12.120
  • Bianca: I mean, it was supposed to be, like,
  • 00:07:12.130 --> 00:07:13.020
  • a biblical joke.
  • 00:07:13.030 --> 00:07:14.050
  • But it was just kind of, like, biblically out of--
  • 00:07:14.060 --> 00:07:14.260
  • John: Weird.
  • 00:07:14.270 --> 00:07:15.210
  • Bianca: Yes, out of left field.
  • 00:07:15.220 --> 00:07:17.230
  • Like, "Oh my goodness, Jesus take the wheel.
  • 00:07:17.240 --> 00:07:19.280
  • No, take the whole car, Lord.
  • 00:07:19.290 --> 00:07:21.090
  • I just can't deal with this."
  • 00:07:21.100 --> 00:07:22.190
  • So I think I kind of lost track on what to do.
  • 00:07:22.200 --> 00:07:25.190
  • And at this time, so I broke up this relationship.
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  • Or he broke up with me, whatever.
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  • Small detail.
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  • My mom was diagnosed with two forms of cancer,
  • 00:07:32.190 --> 00:07:34.280
  • one of 'em was brain cancer.
  • 00:07:34.290 --> 00:07:36.120
  • My younger sister kind of couldn't reconcile how
  • 00:07:36.130 --> 00:07:38.040
  • a good God could do bad things to good people.
  • 00:07:38.050 --> 00:07:40.240
  • And I was jobless.
  • 00:07:40.250 --> 00:07:42.070
  • I had to move back home with my parents.
  • 00:07:42.080 --> 00:07:43.230
  • And so there was a lot of things going on that I felt precluded
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  • me from being in a relationship.
  • 00:07:47.280 --> 00:07:49.070
  • But then it just made me, like, probably, I would say,
  • 00:07:49.080 --> 00:07:51.260
  • looking back retrospectively, a little hyper-spiritual.
  • 00:07:51.270 --> 00:07:54.110
  • Like, "God is going to part the Red Sea.
  • 00:07:54.120 --> 00:07:57.010
  • He did it for the Israelites, and he's gonna bring Mr. Right
  • 00:07:57.020 --> 00:07:58.290
  • my way."
  • 00:07:59.000 --> 00:08:00.070
  • But I do believe that I had to, learning now, looking back,
  • 00:08:00.080 --> 00:08:03.150
  • we kinda have to take those baby steps.
  • 00:08:03.160 --> 00:08:05.110
  • And I'm not saying online dating is the way to go.
  • 00:08:05.120 --> 00:08:07.140
  • I'm just saying if God can redeem some of the most
  • 00:08:07.150 --> 00:08:09.260
  • broken things, can he redeem the Internet?
  • 00:08:09.270 --> 00:08:12.090
  • We don't have matchmakers anymore.
  • 00:08:12.100 --> 00:08:14.070
  • What if-- John: My wife's one.
  • 00:08:14.080 --> 00:08:15.270
  • Bianca: Oh, you know what? And I know, me too.
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  • I really wanna be a matchmaker.
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  • My husband doesn't believe in matchmakers.
  • 00:08:18.180 --> 00:08:19.210
  • But I'm a matchmaker for other people all the time.
  • 00:08:19.220 --> 00:08:21.280
  • "Do you love Jesus? Do you got a job?
  • 00:08:21.290 --> 00:08:23.010
  • Great, let's date.
  • 00:08:23.020 --> 00:08:24.020
  • C'mon, let's find some Christian friends."
  • 00:08:24.030 --> 00:08:26.040
  • John: Do you have brothers or sisters?
  • 00:08:26.050 --> 00:08:27.090
  • Bianca: Oh, yes.
  • 00:08:27.100 --> 00:08:28.090
  • I have five, there's five siblings total.
  • 00:08:28.100 --> 00:08:30.280
  • Me and my sister are the eldest, and we're twins.
  • 00:08:30.290 --> 00:08:33.160
  • And then I have another sister, a brother, and a sister 'cause
  • 00:08:33.170 --> 00:08:36.120
  • Hispanics have lots of kids, John, lots of kids.
  • 00:08:36.130 --> 00:08:38.180
  • John: Wow. How 'bout them?
  • 00:08:38.190 --> 00:08:39.230
  • Did they get married?
  • 00:08:39.240 --> 00:08:40.290
  • Bianca: Well, the funny thing was is my twin sister and
  • 00:08:41.000 --> 00:08:43.020
  • I lived parallel lives.
  • 00:08:43.030 --> 00:08:44.000
  • So we did a lot of things in tandem.
  • 00:08:44.010 --> 00:08:45.230
  • And most of the time they coincided seamlessly.
  • 00:08:45.240 --> 00:08:48.200
  • If she got a job, I got a job.
  • 00:08:48.210 --> 00:08:50.050
  • If she went here, then I went there.
  • 00:08:50.060 --> 00:08:51.180
  • But she met her now husband in high school,
  • 00:08:51.190 --> 00:08:54.140
  • senior year of high school, and they dated for 9 years
  • 00:08:54.150 --> 00:08:57.080
  • before they got married because both went,
  • 00:08:57.090 --> 00:08:59.090
  • finish off high school, finish off college,
  • 00:08:59.100 --> 00:09:01.090
  • finish off graduate school.
  • 00:09:01.100 --> 00:09:02.150
  • And so, but during that time I was completely single.
  • 00:09:02.160 --> 00:09:06.240
  • And I think as a twin you're born in tandem.
  • 00:09:06.250 --> 00:09:09.120
  • You share the DNA.
  • 00:09:09.130 --> 00:09:11.170
  • We shared a room.
  • 00:09:11.180 --> 00:09:12.270
  • We shared clothes.
  • 00:09:12.280 --> 00:09:14.010
  • We ended up going to college and sharing a dorm room.
  • 00:09:14.020 --> 00:09:16.020
  • We shared everything.
  • 00:09:16.030 --> 00:09:17.010
  • So when she got married, it really felt like I,
  • 00:09:17.020 --> 00:09:20.070
  • it felt like a divorce.
  • 00:09:20.080 --> 00:09:21.160
  • I was completely alone.
  • 00:09:21.170 --> 00:09:23.020
  • My identity was reframed.
  • 00:09:23.030 --> 00:09:25.000
  • And it was after that that I just kinda felt like,
  • 00:09:25.010 --> 00:09:26.140
  • "In the midst of everything, God, am I forgotten?
  • 00:09:26.150 --> 00:09:30.170
  • Worse, am I forsaken?" John: Wow, that's awesome.
  • 00:09:30.180 --> 00:09:33.200
  • So you were open to the suggestion, and--
  • 00:09:33.210 --> 00:09:37.130
  • Bianca: Begrudgingly.
  • 00:09:37.140 --> 00:09:38.080
  • John: Yeah.
  • 00:09:38.090 --> 00:09:39.130
  • You know, we'll come back to this and talk more about it.
  • 00:09:39.140 --> 00:09:40.290
  • But you end up actually finding the love of your life.
  • 00:09:41.000 --> 00:09:44.010
  • And I'm so happy you have.
  • 00:09:44.020 --> 00:09:45.210
  • Thank you.
  • 00:09:45.220 --> 00:09:47.220
  • Niyah: After the break, we welcome our guest to the studio
  • 00:09:47.290 --> 00:09:50.040
  • to continue this discussion.
  • 00:09:50.050 --> 00:09:51.250
  • Stay with us.
  • 00:09:51.260 --> 00:09:54.080
  • [music]
  • 00:09:54.200 --> 00:09:58.050
  • Niyah: Welcome back to "Sex, Love & Relationships."
  • 00:10:04.000 --> 00:10:06.110
  • Now, we just heard John discuss the topic of online dating
  • 00:10:06.120 --> 00:10:09.190
  • with a lovely lady who navigated the digital journey
  • 00:10:09.200 --> 00:10:12.090
  • and found love at the end of the matrix.
  • 00:10:12.100 --> 00:10:14.230
  • We are so privileged to have with us today Bianca.
  • 00:10:14.240 --> 00:10:17.180
  • Bianca, welcome.
  • 00:10:17.190 --> 00:10:18.210
  • Bianca: Thank you. Thank you, guys, for having me.
  • 00:10:18.220 --> 00:10:20.030
  • Niyah: Now, I love this because, now, you went online.
  • 00:10:20.040 --> 00:10:23.110
  • You found your husband online, online dating, right?
  • 00:10:23.120 --> 00:10:26.050
  • Bianca: Yes.
  • 00:10:26.060 --> 00:10:27.010
  • Niyah: Now, what's it like now?
  • 00:10:27.020 --> 00:10:28.070
  • Because I know there's a kinda, like, that stigma Christians
  • 00:10:28.080 --> 00:10:30.160
  • kinda put on online dating.
  • 00:10:30.170 --> 00:10:32.150
  • Bianca: Absolutely.
  • 00:10:32.160 --> 00:10:33.100
  • Niyah: "You shouldn't go online.
  • 00:10:33.110 --> 00:10:34.110
  • Just wait on the Lord," you know?
  • 00:10:34.120 --> 00:10:36.040
  • You're 90, "Wait on the Lord."
  • 00:10:36.050 --> 00:10:37.230
  • You know what I'm sayin'? And you could've went online.
  • 00:10:37.240 --> 00:10:39.230
  • Bianca: "He is faithful.
  • 00:10:39.240 --> 00:10:40.270
  • He will provide."
  • 00:10:40.280 --> 00:10:41.220
  • Niyah: Exactly.
  • 00:10:41.230 --> 00:10:42.180
  • Now, how did you work through that?
  • 00:10:42.190 --> 00:10:44.030
  • You know what I'm saying?
  • 00:10:44.040 --> 00:10:45.070
  • That whole, just, like, you know, getting over that,
  • 00:10:45.080 --> 00:10:47.150
  • and just like, "You know what?
  • 00:10:47.160 --> 00:10:48.100
  • I'm gettin' online.
  • 00:10:48.110 --> 00:10:49.060
  • Where's he at?" You know?
  • 00:10:49.070 --> 00:10:50.200
  • Bianca: Well, I wish I had a little bit more brazen,
  • 00:10:50.210 --> 00:10:52.010
  • bold faith because I think, like, it took me actually
  • 00:10:52.020 --> 00:10:54.080
  • a couple years to even admit that we met online.
  • 00:10:54.090 --> 00:10:56.280
  • It's really taboo within church.
  • 00:10:56.290 --> 00:10:58.120
  • Niyah: It is.
  • 00:10:58.130 --> 00:10:59.070
  • Bianca: I mean, and especially,
  • 00:10:59.080 --> 00:11:00.130
  • I've been married 6 years, but we've been together
  • 00:11:00.140 --> 00:11:02.130
  • for 7 and 1/2.
  • 00:11:02.140 --> 00:11:03.170
  • So 7 and 1/2 years ago it was still relatively new.
  • 00:11:03.180 --> 00:11:06.080
  • And I think that I was kind of embarrassed, you know?
  • 00:11:06.090 --> 00:11:09.080
  • I am a teacher and a preacher and a Bible communicator.
  • 00:11:09.090 --> 00:11:11.290
  • And so you talk about the sovereignty of God.
  • 00:11:12.000 --> 00:11:13.270
  • "He parted the Red Sea.
  • 00:11:13.280 --> 00:11:15.070
  • He can bring you the one."
  • 00:11:15.080 --> 00:11:16.090
  • And then you're like, "eHarmony.com," you know?
  • 00:11:16.100 --> 00:11:19.230
  • I actually didn't wanna do it.
  • 00:11:19.240 --> 00:11:21.060
  • I have a twin sister and I love her to bits and pieces.
  • 00:11:21.070 --> 00:11:24.000
  • She's been married now for 12 years, at the time, 8 years.
  • 00:11:24.010 --> 00:11:26.230
  • And she had said, "You know what?
  • 00:11:26.240 --> 00:11:28.130
  • You are at the gym. You're in grad school.
  • 00:11:28.140 --> 00:11:31.030
  • Everyone's already in a relationship.
  • 00:11:31.040 --> 00:11:32.140
  • You are at church and you're so busy with ministry.
  • 00:11:32.150 --> 00:11:34.250
  • Where are you gonna meet somebody?"
  • 00:11:34.260 --> 00:11:35.270
  • You know?
  • 00:11:35.280 --> 00:11:36.250
  • And I said, "Well, God's gonna make a way."
  • 00:11:36.260 --> 00:11:40.120
  • And I, 'cause I hyper-spiritualized
  • 00:11:40.130 --> 00:11:41.170
  • everything.
  • 00:11:41.180 --> 00:11:42.200
  • We have a tendency of doing that in church, like,
  • 00:11:42.210 --> 00:11:44.030
  • "Oh, Isaac and Rebekah.
  • 00:11:44.040 --> 00:11:45.280
  • Adam and Eve. He will make a way."
  • 00:11:45.290 --> 00:11:48.020
  • And Jasmine was just like, "Well, how's that going
  • 00:11:48.030 --> 00:11:49.270
  • for you?" And then I just--she did.
  • 00:11:49.280 --> 00:11:53.140
  • And I said, "Well, I'm in ministry.
  • 00:11:53.150 --> 00:11:54.150
  • I'm in grad school. I don't have the money."
  • 00:11:54.160 --> 00:11:55.190
  • She's like, "I'll pay for it."
  • 00:11:55.200 --> 00:11:57.070
  • So we sat there and built out a profile, and I cried.
  • 00:11:57.080 --> 00:12:01.280
  • I said, "I've seen 'Dateline: How to Catch a Predator.'
  • 00:12:01.290 --> 00:12:05.170
  • I'm gonna end up dead in a ditch."
  • 00:12:05.180 --> 00:12:07.030
  • There's some interesting characters online, friend.
  • 00:12:07.040 --> 00:12:10.020
  • Yeah, so that was kind of the beginning of the journey.
  • 00:12:10.030 --> 00:12:11.240
  • But how do I reconcile, like, a theology of,
  • 00:12:11.250 --> 00:12:14.100
  • "God is in control of all," and yet we have this free will
  • 00:12:14.110 --> 00:12:18.100
  • of, like, taking a step forward?
  • 00:12:18.110 --> 00:12:20.180
  • And I think having gone through the process, I love talking
  • 00:12:20.190 --> 00:12:24.280
  • about how we could kind of have some practical handles for those
  • 00:12:24.290 --> 00:12:28.100
  • that are thinking about doing this journey.
  • 00:12:28.110 --> 00:12:30.000
  • So that's been really fun to come in and talk about,
  • 00:12:30.010 --> 00:12:32.260
  • and I love the conversation that we are having today.
  • 00:12:32.270 --> 00:12:35.150
  • Helen: So can you help us with that?
  • 00:12:35.160 --> 00:12:36.230
  • Because I do think that people assume that if you're
  • 00:12:36.240 --> 00:12:39.020
  • online dating, you've thrown away the rule book.
  • 00:12:39.030 --> 00:12:42.110
  • But I think that even as you learn to meet someone even
  • 00:12:42.120 --> 00:12:45.000
  • at church, and you have, you know, kind of a protocol,
  • 00:12:45.010 --> 00:12:47.170
  • if you will, the right way to do it
  • 00:12:47.180 --> 00:12:50.000
  • and a wrong way to do it.
  • 00:12:50.010 --> 00:12:51.060
  • So what are some of the things that you learnt and would
  • 00:12:51.070 --> 00:12:53.010
  • recommend to somebody out there?
  • 00:12:53.020 --> 00:12:54.120
  • 'Cause I think, when we first started teaching
  • 00:12:54.130 --> 00:12:56.070
  • on relationship, we just thought,
  • 00:12:56.080 --> 00:12:57.170
  • "No, no, no, no.
  • 00:12:57.180 --> 00:12:58.140
  • You do not meet somebody online."
  • 00:12:58.150 --> 00:13:00.150
  • But that would have been 20 years ago.
  • 00:13:00.160 --> 00:13:02.060
  • So today I realize it's a very beautiful, viable option.
  • 00:13:02.070 --> 00:13:05.140
  • But there's still practical things to adhere to.
  • 00:13:05.150 --> 00:13:08.140
  • So give us some of those.
  • 00:13:08.150 --> 00:13:09.140
  • Bianca: So I would say, in the scope of dating,
  • 00:13:09.150 --> 00:13:11.110
  • whether online or you meet at church
  • 00:13:11.120 --> 00:13:13.200
  • or you meet at coffee or you meet in the university,
  • 00:13:13.210 --> 00:13:15.110
  • I think that there's just some basic, like, ground rules
  • 00:13:15.120 --> 00:13:18.080
  • that we should set as Christians,
  • 00:13:18.090 --> 00:13:19.250
  • specifically for women.
  • 00:13:19.260 --> 00:13:21.070
  • Does this brother love Jesus?
  • 00:13:21.080 --> 00:13:22.250
  • Niyah: There we go.
  • 00:13:22.260 --> 00:13:23.200
  • Bianca: Does he love Jesus?
  • 00:13:23.210 --> 00:13:25.040
  • Because I'm meeting way too many women that are compromising.
  • 00:13:25.050 --> 00:13:27.150
  • They're like, "He's so hot."
  • 00:13:27.160 --> 00:13:28.220
  • So is hell.
  • 00:13:28.230 --> 00:13:29.220
  • But you know what? Jesus--run away, "Bye."
  • 00:13:29.230 --> 00:13:33.020
  • Or in the words of Beyoncé, "Tell 'em--"
  • 00:13:33.030 --> 00:13:34.140
  • both: "Bye-bye."
  • 00:13:34.150 --> 00:13:35.170
  • Bianca: Just, "Goodbye." Nope, not the one for you.
  • 00:13:35.180 --> 00:13:37.120
  • And that not if he speaks Christianese
  • 00:13:37.130 --> 00:13:39.120
  • or carries a 10-pound Bible.
  • 00:13:39.130 --> 00:13:41.100
  • No, no, no.
  • 00:13:41.110 --> 00:13:42.120
  • Does he love Jesus?
  • 00:13:42.130 --> 00:13:43.260
  • 'Cause if he doesn't love Jesus, he will not love you the way
  • 00:13:43.270 --> 00:13:46.280
  • that you need to be loved.
  • 00:13:46.290 --> 00:13:47.260
  • John: So your husband's from Minneapolis?
  • 00:13:47.270 --> 00:13:50.040
  • Bianca: He is.
  • 00:13:50.050 --> 00:13:51.020
  • "Oh, don'tcha know?" They're Minnesotans.
  • 00:13:51.030 --> 00:13:53.190
  • He doesn't talk like that, though.
  • 00:13:53.200 --> 00:13:55.160
  • John: So how did you know that he loved Jesus,
  • 00:13:55.170 --> 00:13:58.130
  • had a real job, and all of, you know?
  • 00:13:58.140 --> 00:14:00.260
  • Like, we always said, "You can't know someone outside
  • 00:14:00.270 --> 00:14:03.060
  • of their environment."
  • 00:14:03.070 --> 00:14:04.040
  • Bianca: Absolutely.
  • 00:14:04.050 --> 00:14:04.290
  • John: How did you know that?
  • 00:14:05.000 --> 00:14:06.070
  • Bianca: Okay, well, my story--
  • 00:14:06.080 --> 00:14:07.130
  • John: How'd you discover that?
  • 00:14:07.140 --> 00:14:08.160
  • Bianca: I know my story's a little bit different.
  • 00:14:08.170 --> 00:14:09.170
  • So we did meet online.
  • 00:14:09.180 --> 00:14:11.000
  • And when I filled out my profile, there was two things
  • 00:14:11.010 --> 00:14:13.120
  • that I said I didn't want.
  • 00:14:13.130 --> 00:14:14.190
  • I didn't want someone who was divorced, and I didn't want
  • 00:14:14.200 --> 00:14:16.110
  • someone with children.
  • 00:14:16.120 --> 00:14:17.250
  • And God has such a funny sense of humor.
  • 00:14:17.260 --> 00:14:19.270
  • He has such a funny sense of humor.
  • 00:14:19.280 --> 00:14:21.110
  • I did eHarmony, and eHarmony has something called
  • 00:14:21.120 --> 00:14:23.260
  • "the flexible match."
  • 00:14:23.270 --> 00:14:25.030
  • Meaning that there is something in your profile,
  • 00:14:25.040 --> 00:14:27.090
  • or in his profile, that you said that you didn't
  • 00:14:27.100 --> 00:14:29.190
  • want but you are very compatible in other areas.
  • 00:14:29.200 --> 00:14:32.030
  • So I read his profile and I saw that the most
  • 00:14:32.040 --> 00:14:34.190
  • influential person in his life was his pastor.
  • 00:14:34.200 --> 00:14:36.170
  • The last book he read was Dan Allender's
  • 00:14:36.180 --> 00:14:38.190
  • "Leading With a Limp."
  • 00:14:38.200 --> 00:14:39.160
  • He could spell.
  • 00:14:39.170 --> 00:14:41.020
  • Basics, friends.
  • 00:14:41.030 --> 00:14:42.060
  • Basics, c'mon, you know. You know.
  • 00:14:42.070 --> 00:14:44.110
  • If you've done online dating, you know, like,
  • 00:14:44.120 --> 00:14:45.290
  • there's a difference between there, their, and they're.
  • 00:14:46.000 --> 00:14:48.000
  • Please, please, please.
  • 00:14:48.010 --> 00:14:50.010
  • Proverbs tells us, "There's wisdom,"
  • 00:14:50.020 --> 00:14:51.120
  • c'mon, friends.
  • 00:14:51.130 --> 00:14:52.100
  • Niyah: C'mon, keep it comin'.
  • 00:14:52.110 --> 00:14:53.100
  • Bianca: So I did know that he had some, like,
  • 00:14:53.110 --> 00:14:56.240
  • a modicum of spiritual depth just from what I saw.
  • 00:14:56.250 --> 00:15:00.140
  • But then going in and delving into his story.
  • 00:15:00.150 --> 00:15:03.080
  • He didn't list that he was a pastor,
  • 00:15:03.090 --> 00:15:04.160
  • and I appreciated that.
  • 00:15:04.170 --> 00:15:05.200
  • Because as a pastor's kid, I'm like, a little leery,
  • 00:15:05.210 --> 00:15:08.100
  • you know?
  • 00:15:08.110 --> 00:15:09.180
  • Bless.
  • 00:15:09.190 --> 00:15:11.010
  • But I met him and I heard his story and how he believed
  • 00:15:11.020 --> 00:15:14.270
  • in love having lost love.
  • 00:15:14.280 --> 00:15:17.250
  • He believed in reconciliation and redemption.
  • 00:15:17.260 --> 00:15:22.110
  • And he spoke about the potential of what marriage could
  • 00:15:22.120 --> 00:15:25.050
  • and should be.
  • 00:15:25.060 --> 00:15:26.110
  • And he painted such a vision, a heart for the church,
  • 00:15:26.120 --> 00:15:29.200
  • a heart for God's people, and a heart for his family,
  • 00:15:29.210 --> 00:15:32.090
  • that I'm like, literally, I don't believe in love
  • 00:15:32.100 --> 00:15:34.080
  • at first sight.
  • 00:15:34.090 --> 00:15:35.100
  • I preach against love at first sight, whatever.
  • 00:15:35.110 --> 00:15:36.240
  • And definitely not, against lust at first sight.
  • 00:15:36.250 --> 00:15:38.160
  • Lord Jesus, take the wheel.
  • 00:15:38.170 --> 00:15:39.280
  • Mmm, mm, no, no, no. We don't wanna do that.
  • 00:15:39.290 --> 00:15:42.080
  • But on our second date, I was like, "How do I get
  • 00:15:42.090 --> 00:15:44.190
  • this guy to marry me?" 'Cause he had a heart
  • 00:15:44.200 --> 00:15:46.240
  • after Jesus.
  • 00:15:46.250 --> 00:15:48.090
  • And we didn't mess around.
  • 00:15:48.100 --> 00:15:49.120
  • DTR, you just gotta define the relationship.
  • 00:15:49.130 --> 00:15:51.260
  • "Are we in?
  • 00:15:51.270 --> 00:15:52.210
  • Are you feelin' what I'm feeling?
  • 00:15:52.220 --> 00:15:53.210
  • You're feeling what I'm feeling? Okay--"
  • 00:15:53.220 --> 00:15:54.160
  • Niyah: What's DTR?
  • 00:15:54.170 --> 00:15:56.070
  • Bianca: Defining the relationship.
  • 00:15:56.080 --> 00:15:57.160
  • Niyah: Got it. Defining, okay, wow--
  • 00:15:57.170 --> 00:15:58.280
  • Bianca: We have to.
  • 00:15:58.290 --> 00:15:59.270
  • Because here's the thing.
  • 00:15:59.280 --> 00:16:01.030
  • So many times in church, if a guy asks a girl for coffee,
  • 00:16:01.040 --> 00:16:03.230
  • you know, sometimes in our excitement, or in our stupidity,
  • 00:16:03.240 --> 00:16:08.130
  • maybe, we automatically think, "Oh, he's gonna put a ring
  • 00:16:08.140 --> 00:16:11.200
  • on it, glory to God.
  • 00:16:11.210 --> 00:16:13.020
  • I'm already changing my last name."
  • 00:16:13.030 --> 00:16:14.270
  • You know?
  • 00:16:14.280 --> 00:16:16.040
  • But the truth is, how do we get to know each other
  • 00:16:16.050 --> 00:16:18.180
  • in a safe space and then give our self the permission
  • 00:16:18.190 --> 00:16:22.110
  • to just be cool, to just be friends?
  • 00:16:22.120 --> 00:16:25.060
  • We could date, but we don't have
  • 00:16:25.070 --> 00:16:26.180
  • to get married, you know?
  • 00:16:26.190 --> 00:16:27.130
  • Niyah: Well, I have to ask you.
  • 00:16:27.140 --> 00:16:28.150
  • Okay, you're online.
  • 00:16:28.160 --> 00:16:29.110
  • Okay, they said, "Okay, I'm signing up."
  • 00:16:29.120 --> 00:16:30.210
  • But then what's, how, what's the signs of you're going
  • 00:16:30.220 --> 00:16:32.160
  • down the wrong path?
  • 00:16:32.170 --> 00:16:33.170
  • Like, "This is--" Bianca: Oh, and I could give
  • 00:16:33.180 --> 00:16:35.120
  • you wisdom from mistakes.
  • 00:16:35.130 --> 00:16:36.290
  • Because I was embarrassed of online dating,
  • 00:16:37.000 --> 00:16:39.080
  • I didn't bring in community.
  • 00:16:39.090 --> 00:16:40.260
  • I had my sister and one other friend, right?
  • 00:16:40.270 --> 00:16:43.130
  • Helen: Yeah, big one.
  • 00:16:43.140 --> 00:16:44.170
  • Bianca: So what are some learning blocks or handles that
  • 00:16:44.180 --> 00:16:47.070
  • we could hold onto?
  • 00:16:47.080 --> 00:16:48.120
  • Bringing in community for accountability.
  • 00:16:48.130 --> 00:16:50.190
  • If this was anyone else, like, in the church, I would want them
  • 00:16:50.200 --> 00:16:54.020
  • to meet this person or hear about this person
  • 00:16:54.030 --> 00:16:56.100
  • and give viable feedback.
  • 00:16:56.110 --> 00:16:58.140
  • So bringing in community.
  • 00:16:58.150 --> 00:17:00.030
  • Making sure they have an authentic walk
  • 00:17:00.040 --> 00:17:02.080
  • and relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ.
  • 00:17:02.090 --> 00:17:04.050
  • And then, what are common goals?
  • 00:17:04.060 --> 00:17:05.220
  • Like, are you guys pacing at the same level?
  • 00:17:05.230 --> 00:17:07.200
  • Those are just three little basic things to kind
  • 00:17:07.210 --> 00:17:09.270
  • of recalibrate and make sure our posture is very similar.
  • 00:17:09.280 --> 00:17:13.030
  • Helen: So good.
  • 00:17:13.040 --> 00:17:14.090
  • That was one of the things.
  • 00:17:14.100 --> 00:17:15.070
  • I think if we're afraid to bring somebody in,
  • 00:17:15.080 --> 00:17:17.160
  • we're in a dangerous place.
  • 00:17:17.170 --> 00:17:18.210
  • Bianca: Absolutely. Absolutely.
  • 00:17:18.220 --> 00:17:20.050
  • We're prone to the enemy creeping in
  • 00:17:20.060 --> 00:17:21.210
  • and then whispering lies or taking us to places we
  • 00:17:21.220 --> 00:17:23.250
  • shouldn't go.
  • 00:17:23.260 --> 00:17:25.040
  • How do we leave room for the Holy Spirit,
  • 00:17:25.050 --> 00:17:26.250
  • if you know what I mean?
  • 00:17:26.260 --> 00:17:27.290
  • Ha, ha, ha, ha.
  • 00:17:28.000 --> 00:17:29.040
  • So if we invite Jesus in, we invite our community in,
  • 00:17:29.050 --> 00:17:31.280
  • and we're honest in our conversations,
  • 00:17:31.290 --> 00:17:33.150
  • I think that could save a lot of broken hearts.
  • 00:17:33.160 --> 00:17:35.120
  • Niyah: Oh, Bianca, you are awesome.
  • 00:17:35.130 --> 00:17:37.030
  • I'm lovin' this.
  • 00:17:37.040 --> 00:17:38.110
  • I wanna talk more about this, but we're running out of time.
  • 00:17:38.120 --> 00:17:40.120
  • And so after the break, more on "Sex, Love & Relationships"
  • 00:17:40.130 --> 00:17:43.150
  • with John and Helen Burns.
  • 00:17:43.160 --> 00:17:44.270
  • You don't wanna go anywhere.
  • 00:17:44.280 --> 00:17:46.150
  • Stay tuned.
  • 00:17:46.160 --> 00:17:48.270
  • [music]
  • 00:17:49.150 --> 00:17:52.240
  • Niyah: Well, welcome back to "Sex, Love & Relationships,"
  • 00:17:57.260 --> 00:17:59.290
  • where we're literally fielding questions from all over
  • 00:18:00.020 --> 00:18:02.080
  • the world.
  • 00:18:02.090 --> 00:18:03.070
  • Today we're discussing trending topics with our
  • 00:18:03.080 --> 00:18:05.000
  • overarching theme of "Sex, Love & Relationships."
  • 00:18:05.010 --> 00:18:08.070
  • Let's check out today's question.
  • 00:18:08.080 --> 00:18:10.160
  • male: So the question is: how do you properly ask someone
  • 00:18:10.170 --> 00:18:13.190
  • on a date?
  • 00:18:13.200 --> 00:18:14.260
  • Hmm.
  • 00:18:14.270 --> 00:18:16.010
  • Niyah: Hmm.
  • 00:18:16.020 --> 00:18:16.260
  • Helen: Whew, with that accent.
  • 00:18:16.270 --> 00:18:18.020
  • I don't think that would be hard to do it in a proper manner.
  • 00:18:18.030 --> 00:18:22.130
  • Niyah: Oh, wow.
  • 00:18:22.140 --> 00:18:23.180
  • Well, that's a good question.
  • 00:18:23.190 --> 00:18:24.180
  • How do you properly--?
  • 00:18:24.190 --> 00:18:25.240
  • I mean, dating throughout the years has changed so much,
  • 00:18:25.250 --> 00:18:28.160
  • right, how you ask a woman on a date or ask--would you?
  • 00:18:28.170 --> 00:18:32.020
  • Nowadays, you can ask a man on a date, right?
  • 00:18:32.030 --> 00:18:34.130
  • Back then you probably wouldn't have done it.
  • 00:18:34.140 --> 00:18:35.290
  • But I mean, with social media, technology,
  • 00:18:36.000 --> 00:18:39.050
  • but what's the right way?
  • 00:18:39.060 --> 00:18:41.060
  • What do you think?
  • 00:18:41.070 --> 00:18:42.010
  • John: Well, I don't know the right way.
  • 00:18:42.020 --> 00:18:43.080
  • But I know that if I went way back, I know the wrong way.
  • 00:18:43.090 --> 00:18:46.010
  • Ha, ha, ha, ha.
  • 00:18:46.020 --> 00:18:47.150
  • I had no idea.
  • 00:18:47.160 --> 00:18:49.070
  • There was no talk back then.
  • 00:18:49.080 --> 00:18:51.060
  • I didn't, you know, my dad didn't tell me.
  • 00:18:51.070 --> 00:18:54.050
  • I didn't learn.
  • 00:18:54.060 --> 00:18:55.120
  • And I would love to be today a young man that actually somebody
  • 00:18:55.130 --> 00:18:59.280
  • told you how to do what you wanna do.
  • 00:18:59.290 --> 00:19:02.220
  • 'Cause when you have that twinkle in your eye
  • 00:19:02.230 --> 00:19:05.140
  • and you really like that girl and you want,
  • 00:19:05.150 --> 00:19:09.130
  • you don't wanna mess it up.
  • 00:19:09.140 --> 00:19:10.180
  • You wanna do it right.
  • 00:19:10.190 --> 00:19:11.240
  • So I think there's guys out there watching that were like me
  • 00:19:11.250 --> 00:19:15.170
  • that don't have a clue and they want you to tell them.
  • 00:19:15.180 --> 00:19:19.220
  • How would you like it if someone was coming to you to invite you
  • 00:19:19.230 --> 00:19:24.000
  • on a date?
  • 00:19:24.010 --> 00:19:24.250
  • C'mon, Niyah.
  • 00:19:24.260 --> 00:19:25.250
  • How would you like to be--?
  • 00:19:25.260 --> 00:19:27.220
  • Helen: Ah, I think we'll put her on the spot.
  • 00:19:27.230 --> 00:19:29.170
  • Niyah: Well, you know what?
  • 00:19:29.180 --> 00:19:30.220
  • I think I would like for him to kinda get in my world.
  • 00:19:30.230 --> 00:19:32.280
  • Nothing so, just kinda like, "Oh, excuse me, hey."
  • 00:19:32.290 --> 00:19:35.170
  • Like, you know, I'm from New York.
  • 00:19:35.180 --> 00:19:37.030
  • So, you know, we're very much, "If you see something,
  • 00:19:37.040 --> 00:19:38.250
  • you say something."
  • 00:19:38.260 --> 00:19:39.260
  • So if he sees you, he's like, "Hey," you know,
  • 00:19:39.270 --> 00:19:41.240
  • "how are you doin'?" You know,
  • 00:19:41.250 --> 00:19:43.050
  • "Can I get your phone number?" I'm like, "Ooh, well this is a,
  • 00:19:43.060 --> 00:19:44.270
  • I don't know you or anything like that."
  • 00:19:44.280 --> 00:19:46.050
  • So I would like him, if, you know, of course,
  • 00:19:46.060 --> 00:19:48.110
  • to meet him in church, and for him to get in my world
  • 00:19:48.120 --> 00:19:50.280
  • a little bit and kinda, you know, sneak in there
  • 00:19:50.290 --> 00:19:53.100
  • somehow, you know, become my friend.
  • 00:19:53.110 --> 00:19:55.100
  • And then kinda go in for the, "Hey, let's go out for coffee,"
  • 00:19:55.110 --> 00:19:58.130
  • or something like that.
  • 00:19:58.140 --> 00:19:59.150
  • So, you know, something nice like that.
  • 00:19:59.160 --> 00:20:01.000
  • But kinda, like, straightforward, direct,
  • 00:20:01.010 --> 00:20:03.100
  • "I saw you," and just don't even know me, it's like, "Hey."
  • 00:20:03.110 --> 00:20:05.170
  • I'm just kinda like, "Oh, that might be a little too--"
  • 00:20:05.180 --> 00:20:07.250
  • Helen: That is great advice.
  • 00:20:07.260 --> 00:20:09.030
  • I think it would throw me off too if it was just someone too
  • 00:20:09.040 --> 00:20:11.140
  • bold and too forward and I don't know you.
  • 00:20:11.150 --> 00:20:14.110
  • I don't know if I could trust you.
  • 00:20:14.120 --> 00:20:16.070
  • But there is something about a man having the strength to
  • 00:20:16.080 --> 00:20:19.150
  • actually be bold enough to come up to you and ask you not,
  • 00:20:19.160 --> 00:20:25.070
  • you know, not to kinda, "Can you find out if she kinda
  • 00:20:25.080 --> 00:20:27.090
  • likes me?" That's kinda high school like,
  • 00:20:27.100 --> 00:20:30.040
  • and that happens in high school.
  • 00:20:30.050 --> 00:20:31.240
  • But to actually have the courage to say, "You know, did you wanna
  • 00:20:31.250 --> 00:20:34.200
  • go have a cup of coffee?" It doesn't have to be
  • 00:20:34.210 --> 00:20:36.070
  • fine dining, and it doesn't have to be, you know,
  • 00:20:36.080 --> 00:20:39.130
  • going off on some grand adventure.
  • 00:20:39.140 --> 00:20:41.060
  • But just to spend enough time--
  • 00:20:41.070 --> 00:20:42.270
  • Niyah: You know what funny is?
  • 00:20:42.280 --> 00:20:44.080
  • 'Cause I've actually thought about this
  • 00:20:44.090 --> 00:20:45.240
  • and everything like that.
  • 00:20:45.250 --> 00:20:46.270
  • I think there's a pressure on it when sometimes--well,
  • 00:20:46.280 --> 00:20:49.080
  • this is just for me.
  • 00:20:49.090 --> 00:20:50.160
  • If a guy comes and asks me out, you know, to dinner or something
  • 00:20:50.170 --> 00:20:53.020
  • like that, I'm kinda like, "Okay, this is a date."
  • 00:20:53.030 --> 00:20:55.250
  • So then you kinda have to put on your best, you know, behavior,
  • 00:20:55.260 --> 00:20:58.170
  • and kinda, you subconsciously kinda do it whether you wanna
  • 00:20:58.180 --> 00:21:01.290
  • do it or not.
  • 00:21:02.000 --> 00:21:03.020
  • But I would like for him to kinda set it up without
  • 00:21:03.030 --> 00:21:04.220
  • setting it up.
  • 00:21:04.230 --> 00:21:05.240
  • So kinda, where, like, a group date, in a sense,
  • 00:21:05.250 --> 00:21:07.290
  • but not let me know it's a date.
  • 00:21:08.000 --> 00:21:10.040
  • And he's checkin' me out, and he sees, you know?
  • 00:21:10.050 --> 00:21:12.130
  • Because what happens is sometimes you go on the date
  • 00:21:12.140 --> 00:21:14.010
  • and then the girl's really likin' the guy,
  • 00:21:14.020 --> 00:21:16.170
  • and the guy's like, "Hmm, well, this might not be
  • 00:21:16.180 --> 00:21:18.110
  • what I was thinking of."
  • 00:21:18.120 --> 00:21:19.220
  • And now the girl's heartbroken because you went on that date.
  • 00:21:19.230 --> 00:21:22.030
  • Because sometimes a girl's, in their mind, we go there.
  • 00:21:22.040 --> 00:21:24.090
  • You know, we've already picked out a dress.
  • 00:21:24.100 --> 00:21:25.250
  • We already, you know what I'm sayin'?
  • 00:21:25.260 --> 00:21:27.070
  • We got the kids' names.
  • 00:21:27.080 --> 00:21:28.150
  • But if you kinda let me know, you know, kinda we go out on a
  • 00:21:28.160 --> 00:21:30.270
  • date without going out on a date and you kinda get to know me
  • 00:21:30.280 --> 00:21:33.220
  • in that type setting without setting me up in my mind, like,
  • 00:21:33.230 --> 00:21:36.250
  • "Hmm."
  • 00:21:36.260 --> 00:21:38.010
  • John: So that's what I think today, especially in church,
  • 00:21:38.020 --> 00:21:40.210
  • I think the very best is that, first of all, you recognize from
  • 00:21:40.220 --> 00:21:44.260
  • a distance you can watch that person.
  • 00:21:44.270 --> 00:21:47.230
  • And you get to know the person.
  • 00:21:47.240 --> 00:21:49.050
  • You can only get to know a person in their environment.
  • 00:21:49.060 --> 00:21:51.120
  • So watch how they treat other people.
  • 00:21:51.130 --> 00:21:53.120
  • Watch, you know, in church on Sunday, you know?
  • 00:21:53.130 --> 00:21:56.110
  • Are they part of worship?
  • 00:21:56.120 --> 00:21:58.010
  • You know, watch when the offering goes
  • 00:21:58.020 --> 00:21:59.240
  • by what they do.
  • 00:21:59.250 --> 00:22:01.110
  • You get to see them from a distance.
  • 00:22:01.120 --> 00:22:03.090
  • And groups are really, it's a great way to actually get
  • 00:22:03.100 --> 00:22:07.110
  • to know each other.
  • 00:22:07.120 --> 00:22:08.180
  • And you can recognize whether they've actually noticed you
  • 00:22:08.190 --> 00:22:11.230
  • or not.
  • 00:22:11.240 --> 00:22:12.210
  • Hopefully, you know, you walk down this road
  • 00:22:12.220 --> 00:22:15.070
  • and it makes it really not that dangerous.
  • 00:22:15.080 --> 00:22:18.020
  • Helen: I wanna speak up for the men in our world as well
  • 00:22:18.030 --> 00:22:19.260
  • though.
  • 00:22:19.270 --> 00:22:20.280
  • Because we've got these, like, our church is full
  • 00:22:20.290 --> 00:22:22.090
  • of amazing men.
  • 00:22:22.100 --> 00:22:23.150
  • And I'm watching them.
  • 00:22:23.160 --> 00:22:25.040
  • And I can see sometimes they like a girl, and they've
  • 00:22:25.050 --> 00:22:27.080
  • done the group dating thing.
  • 00:22:27.090 --> 00:22:29.010
  • And I think sometimes they're a little bit nervous to push
  • 00:22:29.020 --> 00:22:31.260
  • through that because they have this great friendship
  • 00:22:31.270 --> 00:22:34.150
  • or whatever, and, "Will that change it?
  • 00:22:34.160 --> 00:22:37.040
  • Will that wreck what we have already?"
  • 00:22:37.050 --> 00:22:39.230
  • So there is a danger, if you will,
  • 00:22:39.240 --> 00:22:41.240
  • or a scariness of stepping through that.
  • 00:22:41.250 --> 00:22:44.010
  • But I think, for us as girls too, it's okay to let them know,
  • 00:22:44.020 --> 00:22:48.060
  • "I'm interested."
  • 00:22:48.070 --> 00:22:49.080
  • Niyah: Oh, yeah, totally.
  • 00:22:49.090 --> 00:22:50.090
  • I feel like that word "group dating"
  • 00:22:50.100 --> 00:22:51.190
  • sounds so cheesy, especially if you're older.
  • 00:22:51.200 --> 00:22:54.050
  • You're just like, you know, if you're young, you know,
  • 00:22:54.060 --> 00:22:56.210
  • "Let's go on a group date."
  • 00:22:56.220 --> 00:22:57.290
  • But older, I don't wanna call it a group date, but just, you
  • 00:22:58.000 --> 00:23:01.080
  • know, like, you get some of your boys together, and then you come
  • 00:23:01.090 --> 00:23:03.240
  • over to me and like, "Hey, you and your girls wanna
  • 00:23:03.250 --> 00:23:05.000
  • hang out.
  • 00:23:05.010 --> 00:23:05.250
  • We're doing something."
  • 00:23:05.260 --> 00:23:07.010
  • So you're coordinating something without even letting me know
  • 00:23:07.020 --> 00:23:09.080
  • that you're coordinating something.
  • 00:23:09.090 --> 00:23:10.180
  • And then you kinda just, you know?
  • 00:23:10.190 --> 00:23:12.060
  • John: But okay, let's walk down that road.
  • 00:23:12.070 --> 00:23:13.290
  • You've noticed him.
  • 00:23:14.000 --> 00:23:15.250
  • He's noticed you.
  • 00:23:15.260 --> 00:23:17.120
  • And you're kind of, you know, kinda hoping.
  • 00:23:17.130 --> 00:23:20.090
  • And he shows up, and now he's inviting you on
  • 00:23:20.100 --> 00:23:24.040
  • a date.
  • 00:23:24.050 --> 00:23:24.290
  • What do you picture that as?
  • 00:23:25.000 --> 00:23:26.060
  • Does he have roses?
  • 00:23:26.070 --> 00:23:29.080
  • Is he dressed?
  • 00:23:29.090 --> 00:23:31.120
  • Niyah: That says a lot, though.
  • 00:23:31.130 --> 00:23:32.180
  • But I love it.
  • 00:23:32.190 --> 00:23:33.130
  • John: Tell me. What are you expecting?
  • 00:23:33.140 --> 00:23:34.180
  • 'Cause I'm out there.
  • 00:23:34.190 --> 00:23:36.020
  • I'm in his shoes.
  • 00:23:36.030 --> 00:23:37.060
  • Help me, help me.
  • 00:23:37.070 --> 00:23:38.140
  • Niyah: Well, roses is great.
  • 00:23:38.150 --> 00:23:40.140
  • Don't get me wrong, but that says a lot.
  • 00:23:40.150 --> 00:23:42.130
  • That's like, "Wow."
  • 00:23:42.140 --> 00:23:43.150
  • But then it also-- Helen: It's introducing a
  • 00:23:43.160 --> 00:23:44.250
  • romantic aspect into it already.
  • 00:23:44.260 --> 00:23:46.280
  • Niyah: Exactly, whoo, that's why you're the expert.
  • 00:23:46.290 --> 00:23:49.180
  • That is why you're the expert, c'mon.
  • 00:23:49.190 --> 00:23:51.160
  • It's true.
  • 00:23:51.170 --> 00:23:52.120
  • John: So what do you want, you know?
  • 00:23:52.130 --> 00:23:53.150
  • What kind of flowers?
  • 00:23:53.160 --> 00:23:54.190
  • Any kind of flowers? No.
  • 00:23:54.200 --> 00:23:56.210
  • Niyah: I would, you know what?
  • 00:23:56.220 --> 00:23:57.220
  • It's nice.
  • 00:23:57.230 --> 00:23:58.190
  • Don't, I wouldn't say I wouldn't accept it.
  • 00:23:58.200 --> 00:24:00.150
  • You know, I totally would.
  • 00:24:00.160 --> 00:24:01.180
  • But I'm just looking for someone who's thoughtful
  • 00:24:01.190 --> 00:24:03.170
  • in the first date, you know what I'm saying?
  • 00:24:03.180 --> 00:24:04.280
  • So-- Helen: On time.
  • 00:24:04.290 --> 00:24:06.160
  • Niyah: Oh, a hundred percent.
  • 00:24:06.170 --> 00:24:07.220
  • If you are late, sweetheart, oh, no, we need to talk already.
  • 00:24:07.230 --> 00:24:09.280
  • Helen: Okay, smelling good.
  • 00:24:09.290 --> 00:24:10.290
  • Niyah: Oh, that's a plus.
  • 00:24:11.000 --> 00:24:11.240
  • Bonus.
  • 00:24:11.250 --> 00:24:13.220
  • C'mon, bonus.
  • 00:24:13.230 --> 00:24:14.240
  • So don't come in gym clothes, okay?
  • 00:24:14.250 --> 00:24:17.120
  • John: So he's dressed the way that you--
  • 00:24:17.130 --> 00:24:19.160
  • Niyah: You don't have to have the tux, you know?
  • 00:24:19.170 --> 00:24:21.010
  • Let's do something thoughtful, engaging where there's
  • 00:24:21.020 --> 00:24:22.220
  • conversation.
  • 00:24:22.230 --> 00:24:23.170
  • Don't take me to the movies, okay?
  • 00:24:23.180 --> 00:24:25.220
  • Because the movies is not really, to me, you're not gonna
  • 00:24:25.230 --> 00:24:27.160
  • get to know me there.
  • 00:24:27.170 --> 00:24:28.240
  • And this is, like-- John: Okay, so where do you
  • 00:24:28.250 --> 00:24:30.020
  • wanna go?
  • 00:24:30.030 --> 00:24:31.080
  • Niyah: Well, you know what? Find out something that I like.
  • 00:24:31.090 --> 00:24:32.060
  • John: I'm out there, sitting, listening.
  • 00:24:32.070 --> 00:24:33.250
  • Give me more.
  • 00:24:33.260 --> 00:24:34.270
  • Actually, just hold it a sec.
  • 00:24:34.280 --> 00:24:36.060
  • I'm gonna pause.
  • 00:24:36.070 --> 00:24:37.010
  • I'm gonna get a notebook.
  • 00:24:37.020 --> 00:24:38.110
  • Niyah: Get a notebook. You know, I'll tell you this.
  • 00:24:38.120 --> 00:24:40.090
  • Okay, so my boyfriend now, he's amazing,
  • 00:24:40.100 --> 00:24:43.080
  • amazing man of God.
  • 00:24:43.090 --> 00:24:44.060
  • And you know what?
  • 00:24:44.070 --> 00:24:45.100
  • Our first date, he took me to the Bonnie Brae House.
  • 00:24:45.110 --> 00:24:47.080
  • So, Bonnie Brae House, you know, as far as the Azusa Pacific,
  • 00:24:47.090 --> 00:24:51.070
  • the Azusa Revival, you know?
  • 00:24:51.080 --> 00:24:53.080
  • So that was where it started.
  • 00:24:53.090 --> 00:24:54.290
  • So this was very thoughtful, you know what I'm saying?
  • 00:24:55.000 --> 00:24:57.020
  • So we got to talk and got to really kind of, like, "Wow."
  • 00:24:57.030 --> 00:25:00.090
  • So he put some thought into this and just, you know,
  • 00:25:00.100 --> 00:25:03.100
  • really conjured up conversations and different things like that.
  • 00:25:03.110 --> 00:25:06.050
  • So he knows I like history and different things like that.
  • 00:25:06.060 --> 00:25:09.020
  • So this was amazing.
  • 00:25:09.030 --> 00:25:10.060
  • I was just like, "Yes!" Already, 10 points right there.
  • 00:25:10.070 --> 00:25:12.220
  • Like, he jumped.
  • 00:25:12.230 --> 00:25:13.280
  • He didn't even go to 1 point, 2 point, he jumped to 10.
  • 00:25:13.290 --> 00:25:15.190
  • But mind you, there's 100 points,
  • 00:25:15.200 --> 00:25:16.220
  • so you still have a lot to gain.
  • 00:25:16.230 --> 00:25:17.230
  • But I mean, that's huge.
  • 00:25:17.240 --> 00:25:19.090
  • But you know, put some thought into it.
  • 00:25:19.100 --> 00:25:21.110
  • See what she likes and different things like
  • 00:25:21.120 --> 00:25:23.060
  • that and just happen to drop by, "Oh, let's go check this out."
  • 00:25:23.070 --> 00:25:26.030
  • And she'll have no clue, and you're like, "Score."
  • 00:25:26.040 --> 00:25:29.200
  • Helen: Wow, that's some good advice.
  • 00:25:29.210 --> 00:25:31.050
  • That's exactly what you did, John.
  • 00:25:31.060 --> 00:25:33.120
  • That's exactly what you did.
  • 00:25:33.130 --> 00:25:35.230
  • John: I found her locker and started stuttering talking
  • 00:25:35.240 --> 00:25:40.090
  • to her, and invited her to skip out of school with me
  • 00:25:40.100 --> 00:25:43.180
  • for the afternoon.
  • 00:25:43.190 --> 00:25:45.000
  • That was our first date.
  • 00:25:45.010 --> 00:25:46.080
  • Helen: And I did.
  • 00:25:46.090 --> 00:25:47.290
  • John: And she did.
  • 00:25:48.000 --> 00:25:49.060
  • For the first time for her, for the millionth time for me.
  • 00:25:49.070 --> 00:25:51.090
  • Helen: But you were willing to be brave enough to ask.
  • 00:25:51.100 --> 00:25:53.220
  • I don't know if you would have asked me out, though,
  • 00:25:53.230 --> 00:25:56.040
  • if you didn't know that I already had told somebody
  • 00:25:56.050 --> 00:25:58.190
  • that I thought you were the cutest boy
  • 00:25:58.200 --> 00:26:00.110
  • at Killarney High School.
  • 00:26:00.120 --> 00:26:01.160
  • John: But someone told me, "There's a girl that likes you,
  • 00:26:01.170 --> 00:26:03.060
  • but don't, if you do, you know, ask her out, don't mention God.
  • 00:26:03.070 --> 00:26:08.030
  • She'll talk your ear off."
  • 00:26:08.040 --> 00:26:09.160
  • That got my attention.
  • 00:26:09.170 --> 00:26:11.000
  • Helen: That's what attracted him, yeah.
  • 00:26:11.010 --> 00:26:13.080
  • Then you led me down a garden path.
  • 00:26:13.090 --> 00:26:14.160
  • You got me into trouble.
  • 00:26:14.170 --> 00:26:16.160
  • [laughing]
  • 00:26:16.170 --> 00:26:17.160
  • Niyah: That's on the next episode.
  • 00:26:17.170 --> 00:26:18.220
  • John: Yeah.
  • 00:26:18.230 --> 00:26:19.230
  • Niyah: After the break we enter into the world
  • 00:26:19.240 --> 00:26:21.050
  • of social media and discuss what's trending
  • 00:26:21.060 --> 00:26:23.160
  • on the worldwide web.
  • 00:26:23.170 --> 00:26:24.220
  • Don't miss it.
  • 00:26:24.230 --> 00:26:26.290
  • [music]
  • 00:26:28.070 --> 00:26:30.090
  • Niyah: Welcome back to the show.
  • 00:26:36.100 --> 00:26:37.210
  • Now, this is a very exciting segment because we can't deny
  • 00:26:37.220 --> 00:26:40.170
  • the impact social media has on our lives.
  • 00:26:40.180 --> 00:26:43.120
  • We're discussing trending topics on #sexloveandrelationships.
  • 00:26:43.130 --> 00:26:46.290
  • And you'll be surprised what people are saying
  • 00:26:47.000 --> 00:26:49.090
  • in the digital world.
  • 00:26:49.100 --> 00:26:50.210
  • Let's have a look.
  • 00:26:50.220 --> 00:26:53.040
  • "Are you missing the one who is standing right in front of you?"
  • 00:26:53.050 --> 00:26:57.150
  • Hmm.
  • 00:26:57.160 --> 00:26:58.290
  • You know, I hear this all the time.
  • 00:26:59.000 --> 00:27:00.210
  • People always say that, you know, "The one could be
  • 00:27:00.220 --> 00:27:02.280
  • right in front of you, or right under your nose."
  • 00:27:02.290 --> 00:27:06.110
  • Do you think that sometimes?
  • 00:27:06.120 --> 00:27:07.290
  • Could it, right, be under your, you know, are we bypassing,
  • 00:27:08.000 --> 00:27:11.050
  • you know, the right one or someone who could be the one
  • 00:27:11.060 --> 00:27:13.290
  • for our dream person?
  • 00:27:14.000 --> 00:27:16.040
  • John: Have you seen the lists that some girls have?
  • 00:27:16.050 --> 00:27:19.010
  • Niyah: Well, what's wrong with lists?
  • 00:27:19.020 --> 00:27:21.240
  • Niyah: Let me tell you something, I think a guy's list
  • 00:27:21.250 --> 00:27:23.180
  • sometimes could be just as long as a girl's list sometimes,
  • 00:27:23.190 --> 00:27:27.020
  • but we're just very detailed.
  • 00:27:27.030 --> 00:27:28.160
  • Helen: Yeah.
  • 00:27:28.170 --> 00:27:29.170
  • John: I disagree.
  • 00:27:29.180 --> 00:27:30.240
  • Niyah: Really? I love this.
  • 00:27:30.250 --> 00:27:31.280
  • Talk to me.
  • 00:27:31.290 --> 00:27:32.230
  • John: In general, no way. No way.
  • 00:27:32.240 --> 00:27:35.030
  • A guy, you know, is like--
  • 00:27:35.040 --> 00:27:37.020
  • Niyah: Three things.
  • 00:27:37.030 --> 00:27:38.000
  • She has to be beautiful, can cook, you know,
  • 00:27:38.010 --> 00:27:40.060
  • and loves the Lord.
  • 00:27:40.070 --> 00:27:41.010
  • John: But girls have this list.
  • 00:27:41.020 --> 00:27:42.150
  • And so he could be standing right there.
  • 00:27:42.160 --> 00:27:47.100
  • He could be standing right there, and he doesn't,
  • 00:27:47.110 --> 00:27:49.190
  • he just doesn't have all of the, you know,
  • 00:27:49.200 --> 00:27:52.070
  • those things figured out yet.
  • 00:27:52.080 --> 00:27:53.270
  • Helen: Like what?
  • 00:27:53.280 --> 00:27:54.270
  • John: Well, like, he might not be, you know,
  • 00:27:54.280 --> 00:27:57.270
  • the black hair, blue eyes, whatever it is.
  • 00:27:57.280 --> 00:28:01.120
  • Helen: I wanted mine.
  • 00:28:01.130 --> 00:28:02.130
  • I had a list.
  • 00:28:02.140 --> 00:28:04.020
  • My list was blonde.
  • 00:28:04.030 --> 00:28:07.230
  • John: Blew that.
  • 00:28:07.240 --> 00:28:08.280
  • Helen: Yeah, his hair used to be this color.
  • 00:28:08.290 --> 00:28:11.100
  • His hair used to be quite black.
  • 00:28:11.110 --> 00:28:13.110
  • And I wanted blue eyes.
  • 00:28:13.120 --> 00:28:15.210
  • John: Blew that too.
  • 00:28:15.220 --> 00:28:17.100
  • Helen: I wanted him to be a football player.
  • 00:28:17.110 --> 00:28:19.140
  • John: I was a football player.
  • 00:28:19.150 --> 00:28:20.230
  • Helen: Yeah, you were. Yeah, you were.
  • 00:28:20.240 --> 00:28:22.010
  • I think that's why.
  • 00:28:22.020 --> 00:28:22.270
  • But when I saw you, it was all over.
  • 00:28:22.280 --> 00:28:25.030
  • But I do think a lot of women-- John: It was, like, all over,
  • 00:28:25.040 --> 00:28:27.220
  • like, "Hey."
  • 00:28:27.230 --> 00:28:28.250
  • Helen: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
  • 00:28:28.260 --> 00:28:29.240
  • But I do think often we have this list.
  • 00:28:29.250 --> 00:28:32.020
  • Like, I've seen women, I'm gonna speak women
  • 00:28:32.030 --> 00:28:33.270
  • in my world 'cause that's what I deal with more closely.
  • 00:28:33.280 --> 00:28:36.120
  • But I would agree with you.
  • 00:28:36.130 --> 00:28:37.090
  • I think men do.
  • 00:28:37.100 --> 00:28:39.130
  • They have these expectations, and they want stuff just like
  • 00:28:39.140 --> 00:28:43.150
  • a woman does.
  • 00:28:43.160 --> 00:28:44.220
  • But I've had women in my world, for example, that have a list.
  • 00:28:44.230 --> 00:28:48.100
  • You know, that he never been married, doesn't have children,
  • 00:28:48.110 --> 00:28:54.130
  • Niyah: But should we compromise on our lists?
  • 00:28:54.140 --> 00:28:56.150
  • Helen: I think sometimes we tell God what we want instead
  • 00:28:56.160 --> 00:28:58.290
  • of listening to what God has for us.
  • 00:28:59.000 --> 00:29:01.070
  • And the reason I brought that one up is because I had a friend
  • 00:29:01.080 --> 00:29:05.010
  • in my life.
  • 00:29:05.020 --> 00:29:06.070
  • She was, you know, 40-ish, and had her list for so ever.
  • 00:29:06.080 --> 00:29:12.070
  • She just missed every single person.
  • 00:29:12.080 --> 00:29:13.290
  • Just, "Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope."
  • 00:29:14.000 --> 00:29:15.270
  • And I think she really came before God and said, "God,
  • 00:29:15.280 --> 00:29:18.270
  • I'm surrendering this to you.
  • 00:29:18.280 --> 00:29:20.100
  • I'm asking you what you have for me and I'm gonna just be open."
  • 00:29:20.110 --> 00:29:25.010
  • And then God--she meets this amazing guy at church
  • 00:29:25.020 --> 00:29:29.270
  • and he's all of those things.
  • 00:29:29.280 --> 00:29:31.250
  • He didn't have children, but he had been married before.
  • 00:29:31.260 --> 00:29:35.030
  • He had a very short marriage many, many years before.
  • 00:29:35.040 --> 00:29:37.200
  • But she had just dismissed that there could ever be potential
  • 00:29:37.210 --> 00:29:40.120
  • with a relationship.
  • 00:29:40.130 --> 00:29:41.130
  • And I look at them now, they've been married
  • 00:29:41.140 --> 00:29:42.270
  • for a number of years, have a beautiful,
  • 00:29:42.280 --> 00:29:44.170
  • beautiful marriage.
  • 00:29:44.180 --> 00:29:45.240
  • And I think that so often we just assume that we know what
  • 00:29:45.250 --> 00:29:49.080
  • this person's going to be like, and rather than be open
  • 00:29:49.090 --> 00:29:54.000
  • to discovering what the relationship could be,
  • 00:29:54.010 --> 00:29:56.230
  • I think.
  • 00:29:56.240 --> 00:29:57.180
  • John: I think a lot of people,
  • 00:29:57.190 --> 00:29:58.220
  • it's not just the, "I'm missin' the one right, you know,
  • 00:29:58.230 --> 00:30:01.220
  • right in front me."
  • 00:30:01.230 --> 00:30:02.200
  • But they're always lookin' down the road.
  • 00:30:02.210 --> 00:30:04.210
  • They're always, "It's gonna, it's gonna, it's gonna end."
  • 00:30:04.220 --> 00:30:07.230
  • And you never really are satisfied and enjoy what
  • 00:30:07.240 --> 00:30:10.230
  • is right now.
  • 00:30:10.240 --> 00:30:11.260
  • And one of the keys, I think, to having a really,
  • 00:30:11.270 --> 00:30:14.110
  • really happy life and happy relationship is stay
  • 00:30:14.120 --> 00:30:17.000
  • amazed with what ya have right now.
  • 00:30:17.010 --> 00:30:19.290
  • If you are amazed with what that person is and who that person
  • 00:30:20.000 --> 00:30:23.180
  • is on the inside, it just, it begins to open your heart up.
  • 00:30:23.190 --> 00:30:28.020
  • And nobody's a finished product.
  • 00:30:28.030 --> 00:30:30.080
  • We're always on a journey.
  • 00:30:30.090 --> 00:30:32.190
  • Niyah: So do I chuck my list?
  • 00:30:32.200 --> 00:30:34.060
  • What am I doin'?
  • 00:30:34.070 --> 00:30:35.020
  • Helen: I think there are absolute--
  • 00:30:35.030 --> 00:30:36.190
  • John: I think so.
  • 00:30:36.200 --> 00:30:37.150
  • Helen: Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope.
  • 00:30:37.160 --> 00:30:40.040
  • No, you don't chuck the list.
  • 00:30:40.050 --> 00:30:42.040
  • Niyah: I love this.
  • 00:30:42.050 --> 00:30:42.290
  • John: I disagree. Chuck the list.
  • 00:30:43.000 --> 00:30:44.170
  • all: [laughing]
  • 00:30:44.180 --> 00:30:45.180
  • Niyah: Okay, I chop it in half.
  • 00:30:45.190 --> 00:30:46.230
  • There we go.
  • 00:30:46.240 --> 00:30:47.180
  • So part of the list is chopped.
  • 00:30:47.190 --> 00:30:48.230
  • Helen: Well, you keep on the list the non-negotiables.
  • 00:30:48.240 --> 00:30:51.010
  • John: Yeah, there's non-negotiables.
  • 00:30:51.020 --> 00:30:52.040
  • Helen: There's the absolutes.
  • 00:30:52.050 --> 00:30:53.100
  • Because I think often we keep these things that are not
  • 00:30:53.110 --> 00:30:56.230
  • non-negotiables, to me, as more important than
  • 00:30:56.240 --> 00:31:00.030
  • the absolute non-negotiables.
  • 00:31:00.040 --> 00:31:01.270
  • And to me, character, it takes time to discover it,
  • 00:31:01.280 --> 00:31:05.180
  • but it's character things that are important.
  • 00:31:05.190 --> 00:31:07.130
  • Not just the looks, not just the charisma,
  • 00:31:07.140 --> 00:31:09.150
  • but the character.
  • 00:31:09.160 --> 00:31:10.210
  • And when you can discover that in relationship with 'em,
  • 00:31:10.220 --> 00:31:13.040
  • then we can move on.
  • 00:31:13.050 --> 00:31:14.060
  • If those aren't there, take your time.
  • 00:31:14.070 --> 00:31:16.260
  • Niyah: Whew, that's what I'm talkin' about.
  • 00:31:16.270 --> 00:31:18.280
  • But next up, what do we got here?
  • 00:31:18.290 --> 00:31:20.240
  • "Without words you said enough.
  • 00:31:20.250 --> 00:31:22.210
  • The importance of public displays of affection."
  • 00:31:22.220 --> 00:31:26.010
  • Hmm, PDAs.
  • 00:31:26.020 --> 00:31:27.200
  • John: Yeah.
  • 00:31:27.210 --> 00:31:28.150
  • Niyah: Well, let's talk about PDAs.
  • 00:31:28.160 --> 00:31:29.250
  • You know, PDAs, from, what, kissing to, you know what
  • 00:31:29.260 --> 00:31:34.280
  • I'm saying?
  • 00:31:34.290 --> 00:31:35.240
  • There's so much hand holding.
  • 00:31:35.250 --> 00:31:37.040
  • What's too much?
  • 00:31:37.050 --> 00:31:38.050
  • What's appropriate? What's not appropriate?
  • 00:31:38.060 --> 00:31:40.130
  • 'Cause I've seen some where I'm like, "My goodness,
  • 00:31:40.140 --> 00:31:42.220
  • go ahead and get a room."
  • 00:31:42.230 --> 00:31:44.110
  • Helen: Well, it's funny.
  • 00:31:44.120 --> 00:31:45.160
  • When we were raising our daughters, who now, you know,
  • 00:31:45.170 --> 00:31:47.280
  • they're all, you know, well into their adulthood.
  • 00:31:47.290 --> 00:31:52.090
  • But I used to say to them, you know, we'd be driving down
  • 00:31:52.100 --> 00:31:54.150
  • the street on the way to school in the little,
  • 00:31:54.160 --> 00:31:56.150
  • and we'd see, like, a couple at a bus stop just,
  • 00:31:56.160 --> 00:31:59.240
  • like, kissing passionately, hands all over.
  • 00:31:59.250 --> 00:32:03.010
  • And I'd go, "See those guys?
  • 00:32:03.020 --> 00:32:04.100
  • They're kinda insecure about their relationship."
  • 00:32:04.110 --> 00:32:06.120
  • And they'd go, like, "Why do you say that?"
  • 00:32:06.130 --> 00:32:07.240
  • 'Cause I, just, "It's kind of unnecessary."
  • 00:32:07.250 --> 00:32:09.280
  • So often we feel like we have to show, "He's mine," or,
  • 00:32:09.290 --> 00:32:12.240
  • "She's mine," in displays that are inappropriate.
  • 00:32:12.250 --> 00:32:16.140
  • And then often it's because it does get very sexual.
  • 00:32:16.150 --> 00:32:19.040
  • And there's one place that that belongs, and that is in
  • 00:32:19.050 --> 00:32:21.220
  • the bedroom of a married couple.
  • 00:32:21.230 --> 00:32:23.180
  • Niyah: Well, you think it is they're doing that to show that,
  • 00:32:23.190 --> 00:32:26.040
  • "He's mine," or "She's mine"?
  • 00:32:26.050 --> 00:32:27.020
  • Or is it just they're too hot?
  • 00:32:27.030 --> 00:32:28.230
  • Helen: I think it's both.
  • 00:32:28.240 --> 00:32:30.040
  • I do think it's both.
  • 00:32:30.050 --> 00:32:31.110
  • But I have often seen couples that are so, "Mine, mine, mine,
  • 00:32:31.120 --> 00:32:34.270
  • mine," and all over each other.
  • 00:32:34.280 --> 00:32:37.090
  • And it makes other people uncomfortable.
  • 00:32:37.100 --> 00:32:40.040
  • And you know, I don't even love watching
  • 00:32:40.050 --> 00:32:42.110
  • people kiss in a movie.
  • 00:32:42.120 --> 00:32:44.040
  • I'm kinda like, "Okay, the kissing.
  • 00:32:44.050 --> 00:32:45.080
  • I know they kiss."
  • 00:32:45.090 --> 00:32:46.130
  • I don't wanna watch the whole slurping with each other
  • 00:32:46.140 --> 00:32:49.110
  • and swapping spit, as John says.
  • 00:32:49.120 --> 00:32:52.140
  • 'Cause I think that too can, you know,
  • 00:32:52.150 --> 00:32:54.290
  • let's do that in a bedroom when we're married.
  • 00:32:55.000 --> 00:32:57.150
  • And not because I don't like kissing.
  • 00:32:57.160 --> 00:32:58.230
  • I like kissing. We kiss in public.
  • 00:32:58.240 --> 00:33:00.150
  • But it's an appropriate kiss.
  • 00:33:00.160 --> 00:33:01.240
  • It's not something that makes somebody else uncomfortable.
  • 00:33:01.250 --> 00:33:04.180
  • I love hand holding.
  • 00:33:04.190 --> 00:33:06.000
  • I love arms around each other.
  • 00:33:06.010 --> 00:33:09.140
  • I think it's actually an important part of
  • 00:33:09.150 --> 00:33:11.050
  • a relationship.
  • 00:33:11.060 --> 00:33:12.120
  • Niyah: Pastor John, what's inappropriate, though?
  • 00:33:12.130 --> 00:33:14.110
  • John: I think it's not about you.
  • 00:33:14.120 --> 00:33:16.220
  • So, you know, whenever you do anything 'cause, "I feel like it
  • 00:33:16.230 --> 00:33:19.260
  • and it really, you know, is all about my emotions,"
  • 00:33:19.270 --> 00:33:22.170
  • you need to just check that at the door.
  • 00:33:22.180 --> 00:33:24.200
  • And always ask the question.
  • 00:33:24.210 --> 00:33:25.270
  • "What am I saying?
  • 00:33:25.280 --> 00:33:27.140
  • What am I displaying as far as my communication to this world
  • 00:33:27.150 --> 00:33:31.290
  • goes?" And you know, that's,
  • 00:33:32.000 --> 00:33:34.220
  • it depends on where you're at.
  • 00:33:34.230 --> 00:33:36.080
  • But I think what this is saying is, "Without words you said
  • 00:33:36.090 --> 00:33:40.230
  • enough.
  • 00:33:40.240 --> 00:33:41.230
  • The importance of public displays of affection."
  • 00:33:41.240 --> 00:33:44.090
  • It means there's some things you can do that are more than words,
  • 00:33:44.100 --> 00:33:47.210
  • more than words.
  • 00:33:47.220 --> 00:33:48.200
  • Like, there's times when I just take her hand.
  • 00:33:48.210 --> 00:33:51.030
  • And it's just, it's saying to her volumes.
  • 00:33:51.040 --> 00:33:55.100
  • I remember when we first met.
  • 00:33:55.110 --> 00:33:57.030
  • I mean, I'm one of those romantics, okay?
  • 00:33:57.040 --> 00:33:59.100
  • So when we first met, I, you know, I had these dreams
  • 00:33:59.110 --> 00:34:02.100
  • of growing old together.
  • 00:34:02.110 --> 00:34:03.170
  • And I think we've accomplished that.
  • 00:34:03.180 --> 00:34:05.030
  • all: [laughing]
  • 00:34:05.040 --> 00:34:06.060
  • John: But you know, one of the things is I,
  • 00:34:06.070 --> 00:34:07.270
  • you know, I'm thinking, "One day, when I'm 85
  • 00:34:07.280 --> 00:34:10.270
  • and she's 82, and we're walkin' down the street, holdin' hands,
  • 00:34:10.280 --> 00:34:16.040
  • not saying anything verbally but saying volumes to each other."
  • 00:34:16.050 --> 00:34:20.290
  • That's what I think public display,
  • 00:34:21.000 --> 00:34:24.020
  • here's what we're talking about, that kind of affection
  • 00:34:24.030 --> 00:34:27.110
  • that really does say, "I'm thinkin' about you.
  • 00:34:27.120 --> 00:34:30.180
  • I love you. I'm comfortable with you.
  • 00:34:30.190 --> 00:34:33.120
  • You're safe in my relationship."
  • 00:34:33.130 --> 00:34:36.230
  • Helen: You know, just when you say--I still remember.
  • 00:34:36.240 --> 00:34:38.180
  • You talked about that.
  • 00:34:38.190 --> 00:34:39.150
  • We were just starting our relationship
  • 00:34:39.160 --> 00:34:41.140
  • and he really talked about growing old together.
  • 00:34:41.150 --> 00:34:43.190
  • There was something in your heart as a young man that you
  • 00:34:43.200 --> 00:34:47.090
  • already saw that.
  • 00:34:47.100 --> 00:34:48.240
  • But I also think that with you as a father, you've never been
  • 00:34:48.250 --> 00:34:53.150
  • uncomfortable holding your daughters' hands.
  • 00:34:53.160 --> 00:34:55.130
  • And I know sometimes people might have looked and thought,
  • 00:34:55.140 --> 00:34:57.240
  • "Oh, what's that dirty old man doin' with that young girl?"
  • 00:34:57.250 --> 00:35:00.160
  • He doesn't really care what they think, in the sense of,
  • 00:35:00.170 --> 00:35:03.050
  • "This is my daughter.
  • 00:35:03.060 --> 00:35:04.050
  • If she wants to hold my arm or hold my hand,
  • 00:35:04.060 --> 00:35:07.020
  • I'm not uncomfortable with what is appropriate and beautiful."
  • 00:35:07.030 --> 00:35:10.190
  • Niyah: Oh, I love this. Love this.
  • 00:35:10.200 --> 00:35:12.020
  • So much godly wisdom.
  • 00:35:12.030 --> 00:35:13.100
  • Well, after the break, John and Helen return
  • 00:35:13.110 --> 00:35:15.040
  • to our studio audience to continue the discussion
  • 00:35:15.050 --> 00:35:17.260
  • on "Sex, Love & Relationships."
  • 00:35:17.270 --> 00:35:19.260
  • Don't go anywhere.
  • 00:35:19.270 --> 00:35:20.270
  • Stay tuned.
  • 00:35:20.280 --> 00:35:23.240
  • [music]
  • 00:35:24.060 --> 00:35:26.210
  • Niyah: Welcome back to the show, and
  • 00:35:32.120 --> 00:35:33.260
  • welcome to our studio audience, who have some fantastic
  • 00:35:33.270 --> 00:35:37.130
  • questions for John and Helen on the topics
  • 00:35:37.140 --> 00:35:39.150
  • of "Sex, Love & Relationships."
  • 00:35:39.160 --> 00:35:41.200
  • John and Helen, are you ready?
  • 00:35:41.210 --> 00:35:43.040
  • Helen: Yeah.
  • 00:35:43.050 --> 00:35:44.090
  • female: So I have a friend who just recently had a baby
  • 00:35:44.100 --> 00:35:46.180
  • and is kinda found herself in a place where she's lost
  • 00:35:46.190 --> 00:35:50.130
  • her sex drive, per se.
  • 00:35:50.140 --> 00:35:52.090
  • I know it says in the Bible to honor your husband
  • 00:35:52.100 --> 00:35:54.190
  • and to be there in that way.
  • 00:35:54.200 --> 00:35:56.070
  • So what do you tell to someone who's really struggling
  • 00:35:56.080 --> 00:35:58.050
  • with that?
  • 00:35:58.060 --> 00:35:59.020
  • John: Wow, thank you for that question.
  • 00:35:59.030 --> 00:36:01.170
  • Wow.
  • 00:36:01.180 --> 00:36:02.210
  • Helen: As soon as she said, "I have a friend who has
  • 00:36:02.220 --> 00:36:04.210
  • a baby," I thought, "I know what the rest of this
  • 00:36:04.220 --> 00:36:06.280
  • is going to be."
  • 00:36:06.290 --> 00:36:08.010
  • Because we, as women, this is a very typical thing
  • 00:36:08.020 --> 00:36:11.110
  • that after we have a child that we go completely
  • 00:36:11.120 --> 00:36:15.240
  • into mommy mode.
  • 00:36:15.250 --> 00:36:16.270
  • And that actually is very regulated also by just
  • 00:36:16.280 --> 00:36:19.090
  • our hormones and such.
  • 00:36:19.100 --> 00:36:21.000
  • We're very focused on this affection.
  • 00:36:21.010 --> 00:36:23.180
  • We're nursing, or we're just giving and doting
  • 00:36:23.190 --> 00:36:25.220
  • all of our affection.
  • 00:36:25.230 --> 00:36:26.220
  • It's kind of like, "Yeah, just step aside.
  • 00:36:26.230 --> 00:36:28.290
  • I'm just gonna completely dote."
  • 00:36:29.000 --> 00:36:30.170
  • And so we're in this season, but they're not.
  • 00:36:30.180 --> 00:36:33.220
  • And so we, yeah.
  • 00:36:33.230 --> 00:36:35.080
  • John: Yeah. Women have seasons.
  • 00:36:35.090 --> 00:36:38.180
  • Women are very seasonal.
  • 00:36:38.190 --> 00:36:40.170
  • And I come from Vancouver, where we have four seasons.
  • 00:36:40.180 --> 00:36:43.000
  • And I love seasons.
  • 00:36:43.010 --> 00:36:44.070
  • And really, it's the spice of life.
  • 00:36:44.080 --> 00:36:46.020
  • It's wonderful.
  • 00:36:46.030 --> 00:36:46.290
  • But men typically don't.
  • 00:36:47.000 --> 00:36:49.000
  • Well, we do, summer.
  • 00:36:49.010 --> 00:36:52.080
  • Pretty well all life long, you know?
  • 00:36:52.090 --> 00:36:54.070
  • And then at the end there's a little bit of fall at the end,
  • 00:36:54.080 --> 00:36:55.270
  • but anyway.
  • 00:36:55.280 --> 00:36:56.220
  • Helen: A whole lot of fall.
  • 00:36:56.230 --> 00:36:57.190
  • all: [laughing]
  • 00:36:57.200 --> 00:36:59.000
  • John: Oh, Lord, that's too much information.
  • 00:36:59.010 --> 00:37:02.080
  • Helen: I wasn't going there, but if you--ha, ha, ha.
  • 00:37:02.090 --> 00:37:04.260
  • Anyhow, carry on.
  • 00:37:04.270 --> 00:37:06.010
  • John: But the thing about it is that's a season that both
  • 00:37:06.020 --> 00:37:10.290
  • wife and husband need to understand.
  • 00:37:11.000 --> 00:37:13.210
  • He needs to understand that she's not thinking he's
  • 00:37:13.220 --> 00:37:17.240
  • Mr. Macho and can't wait for him to get home 'cause,
  • 00:37:17.250 --> 00:37:20.170
  • you know, gonna have intimacy.
  • 00:37:20.180 --> 00:37:22.040
  • She's kind of, that's, and it actually could be not
  • 00:37:22.050 --> 00:37:25.200
  • even comfortable to think about it.
  • 00:37:25.210 --> 00:37:27.190
  • Whereas, she needs to know that he hasn't changed.
  • 00:37:27.200 --> 00:37:30.110
  • And yes, your marriage vows really do make each of you part
  • 00:37:30.120 --> 00:37:34.120
  • of each other's life.
  • 00:37:34.130 --> 00:37:35.110
  • And there's a part that you play.
  • 00:37:35.120 --> 00:37:38.210
  • And you know, to me, I talk to, actually, she had me teach her
  • 00:37:38.220 --> 00:37:43.150
  • women one time about their hormones.
  • 00:37:43.160 --> 00:37:45.280
  • Took me a whole hour to teach women about hormones.
  • 00:37:45.290 --> 00:37:48.120
  • It is so complicated.
  • 00:37:48.130 --> 00:37:50.120
  • But that is a hormonal season, when her progesterone
  • 00:37:50.130 --> 00:37:53.220
  • has gone through the roof.
  • 00:37:53.230 --> 00:37:54.270
  • And you're not looking for sexual intimacy in any way.
  • 00:37:54.280 --> 00:38:01.200
  • And-- Helen: Not to mention that
  • 00:38:01.210 --> 00:38:03.080
  • she's just delivered a baby.
  • 00:38:03.090 --> 00:38:05.000
  • John: And that baby is most likely breastfeeding.
  • 00:38:05.010 --> 00:38:07.060
  • And he's thinking, "Those are mine," you know?
  • 00:38:07.070 --> 00:38:10.160
  • And, "Someone has hijacked my wife."
  • 00:38:10.170 --> 00:38:12.250
  • And so there's a potential goin' on of really challenge here.
  • 00:38:12.260 --> 00:38:16.230
  • And the thing is that if you two both understood it,
  • 00:38:16.240 --> 00:38:19.220
  • you could talk together, and then you could come out of
  • 00:38:19.230 --> 00:38:22.060
  • it and figure it out.
  • 00:38:22.070 --> 00:38:24.150
  • But what the bottom line is, is when you're married,
  • 00:38:24.160 --> 00:38:28.080
  • you've taken the responsibility to be his or to be her
  • 00:38:28.090 --> 00:38:34.200
  • only supply, only resource, when it comes to dealing
  • 00:38:34.210 --> 00:38:39.030
  • with that sexual intimacy.
  • 00:38:39.040 --> 00:38:40.190
  • And there's so many ways that you could be creative
  • 00:38:40.200 --> 00:38:43.240
  • to minister to each other.
  • 00:38:43.250 --> 00:38:45.240
  • Niyah: To minister, I like that,
  • 00:38:45.250 --> 00:38:47.080
  • minister to each other.
  • 00:38:47.090 --> 00:38:48.210
  • Helen: One of the things that John has said often,
  • 00:38:48.220 --> 00:38:50.130
  • and I couldn't agree more with, he said, "You know,
  • 00:38:50.140 --> 00:38:52.070
  • it is the responsibility of every husband and every wife
  • 00:38:52.080 --> 00:38:55.230
  • to become the expert on their sexuality,
  • 00:38:55.240 --> 00:38:59.250
  • not in general, but their sexuality."
  • 00:38:59.260 --> 00:39:03.050
  • So that is really understanding what each other's needs are,
  • 00:39:03.060 --> 00:39:06.120
  • which means we need to be open and honest about it.
  • 00:39:06.130 --> 00:39:08.280
  • But really to discover, and understanding, you know,
  • 00:39:08.290 --> 00:39:11.240
  • sometimes it's the husband who, their sex drive really wanes.
  • 00:39:11.250 --> 00:39:15.190
  • Maybe they're under tremendous financial pressure, or you know,
  • 00:39:15.200 --> 00:39:19.160
  • job or whatever.
  • 00:39:19.170 --> 00:39:20.180
  • So I think that there's grace for each of them.
  • 00:39:20.190 --> 00:39:22.200
  • Because this isn't just a problem for a new mom.
  • 00:39:22.210 --> 00:39:25.040
  • Though it's very common that we feel like we're failing,
  • 00:39:25.050 --> 00:39:28.060
  • "I have to take care of baby.
  • 00:39:28.070 --> 00:39:29.150
  • I have to take care of him.
  • 00:39:29.160 --> 00:39:30.130
  • I'm not doing anything right."
  • 00:39:30.140 --> 00:39:32.000
  • And they need to know it's a season.
  • 00:39:32.010 --> 00:39:34.040
  • But also, being able to talk about it.
  • 00:39:34.050 --> 00:39:37.010
  • And I think so often we're not comfortable talking about our
  • 00:39:37.020 --> 00:39:39.230
  • needs and our expectations.
  • 00:39:39.240 --> 00:39:42.070
  • And you know, I mean, I used to think about, you know,
  • 00:39:42.080 --> 00:39:45.170
  • John would tell me, "That's my favorite way
  • 00:39:45.180 --> 00:39:46.290
  • to cook chicken.
  • 00:39:47.000 --> 00:39:47.280
  • Can you cook chicken that way all the time?"
  • 00:39:47.290 --> 00:39:49.170
  • We'll talk about chicken. We'll talk about the kids.
  • 00:39:49.180 --> 00:39:51.210
  • But we won't talk about our sex life.
  • 00:39:51.220 --> 00:39:53.050
  • And I think we need to get great at that.
  • 00:39:53.060 --> 00:39:55.000
  • We really do.
  • 00:39:55.010 --> 00:39:56.050
  • Niyah: So does she have to still, even in that season,
  • 00:39:56.060 --> 00:39:59.130
  • do you have to still perform?
  • 00:39:59.140 --> 00:40:01.180
  • John: It depends on what you call "perform."
  • 00:40:01.190 --> 00:40:03.250
  • She gets to be his only source of sexual fulfillment.
  • 00:40:03.260 --> 00:40:09.160
  • How you do that is up to you.
  • 00:40:09.170 --> 00:40:11.030
  • Helen: But I know someone, like, a considerable husband,
  • 00:40:11.040 --> 00:40:13.130
  • as you were, he would never put a demand on that.
  • 00:40:13.140 --> 00:40:16.210
  • Because he was concerned about my well-being as well.
  • 00:40:16.220 --> 00:40:20.110
  • But it has to be a discussion.
  • 00:40:20.120 --> 00:40:21.290
  • You can't demand it.
  • 00:40:22.000 --> 00:40:23.050
  • And you shouldn't demand it at any time in the sense of,
  • 00:40:23.060 --> 00:40:25.270
  • you know, "You're married to me.
  • 00:40:25.280 --> 00:40:27.230
  • You must," you know?
  • 00:40:27.240 --> 00:40:29.250
  • But love gives.
  • 00:40:29.260 --> 00:40:31.000
  • It doesn't take.
  • 00:40:31.010 --> 00:40:32.060
  • female: Hi, I have a question.
  • 00:40:32.070 --> 00:40:33.290
  • As a parent, what is your best recommendation on disciplining
  • 00:40:34.000 --> 00:40:39.090
  • your children, little ones?
  • 00:40:39.100 --> 00:40:42.220
  • Helen: That's a big question.
  • 00:40:42.230 --> 00:40:43.280
  • Now that I'm a grandparent, nothing.
  • 00:40:43.290 --> 00:40:45.220
  • Give them candy.
  • 00:40:45.230 --> 00:40:46.180
  • Let them go to bed whenever they want to.
  • 00:40:46.190 --> 00:40:50.020
  • You know, we have a little saying at our house,
  • 00:40:50.030 --> 00:40:51.220
  • "Life is short.
  • 00:40:51.230 --> 00:40:52.200
  • Eat dessert first."
  • 00:40:52.210 --> 00:40:54.090
  • Nothing that I ever did.
  • 00:40:54.100 --> 00:40:55.140
  • "Make a mess. Fingerprints are darling."
  • 00:40:55.150 --> 00:41:00.100
  • I think children do best in a real atmosphere
  • 00:41:00.110 --> 00:41:04.070
  • and in a nurturing environment.
  • 00:41:04.080 --> 00:41:07.090
  • When children are little, there are times that you need
  • 00:41:07.100 --> 00:41:09.150
  • to deal with it tough and quick, that you protect them from
  • 00:41:09.160 --> 00:41:12.030
  • hurting themselves.
  • 00:41:12.040 --> 00:41:14.030
  • But I think that, like, if I think of my grandchildren,
  • 00:41:14.040 --> 00:41:17.010
  • if you wanted to, like, my grandson, if you really,
  • 00:41:17.020 --> 00:41:19.130
  • like, this is the final consequence,
  • 00:41:19.140 --> 00:41:21.070
  • and this is, you know, take away his favorite toys.
  • 00:41:21.080 --> 00:41:25.160
  • Give him a time out.
  • 00:41:25.170 --> 00:41:26.220
  • Let him know that there's consequences with his behavior.
  • 00:41:26.230 --> 00:41:30.000
  • And I think that so often what has happened in the world,
  • 00:41:30.010 --> 00:41:32.130
  • there's a lot of violence and a lot of hurt,
  • 00:41:32.140 --> 00:41:34.170
  • and stuff like that.
  • 00:41:34.180 --> 00:41:36.020
  • I would use every resource available to let them know,
  • 00:41:36.030 --> 00:41:39.160
  • "This is unacceptable behavior."
  • 00:41:39.170 --> 00:41:41.140
  • And you know, time outs work.
  • 00:41:41.150 --> 00:41:43.260
  • I mean, so many people got beaten.
  • 00:41:43.270 --> 00:41:45.280
  • I mean, I know, yeah, it's wrong.
  • 00:41:45.290 --> 00:41:48.040
  • I don't like that.
  • 00:41:48.050 --> 00:41:49.180
  • That's why I'm a grandmother now.
  • 00:41:49.190 --> 00:41:51.040
  • John: Yeah, let me just give you the definition of
  • 00:41:51.050 --> 00:41:53.120
  • "discipline" as compared to the opposite,
  • 00:41:53.130 --> 00:41:56.000
  • which is "punishment."
  • 00:41:56.010 --> 00:41:57.120
  • Helen: Yeah, good.
  • 00:41:57.130 --> 00:41:58.220
  • John: Punishment is all about the past.
  • 00:41:58.230 --> 00:42:00.270
  • You punish you because you were bad.
  • 00:42:00.280 --> 00:42:03.150
  • It doesn't make you any better.
  • 00:42:03.160 --> 00:42:05.130
  • Discipline's all about the future.
  • 00:42:05.140 --> 00:42:07.140
  • You discipline because of who you really are and what you
  • 00:42:07.150 --> 00:42:10.090
  • really wanna do.
  • 00:42:10.100 --> 00:42:11.290
  • Never identify a child according to his behavior.
  • 00:42:12.000 --> 00:42:16.110
  • Always identify a child according to who they are,
  • 00:42:16.120 --> 00:42:18.290
  • and then deal with the behavior to get it in line
  • 00:42:19.000 --> 00:42:21.280
  • with who they are.
  • 00:42:21.290 --> 00:42:22.240
  • Discipline is looking to the future.
  • 00:42:22.250 --> 00:42:25.000
  • And you do use any kind of, there's many ways to do it,
  • 00:42:25.010 --> 00:42:30.020
  • taking things away from them.
  • 00:42:30.030 --> 00:42:31.070
  • The last resort would be that you actually have to do
  • 00:42:31.080 --> 00:42:34.170
  • something physical, but it's got to do with a life
  • 00:42:34.180 --> 00:42:37.240
  • and death kind of situation.
  • 00:42:37.250 --> 00:42:40.040
  • But to me, the key is to never punish a child.
  • 00:42:40.050 --> 00:42:43.200
  • Always discipline.
  • 00:42:43.210 --> 00:42:45.010
  • It's not about the past.
  • 00:42:45.020 --> 00:42:46.020
  • It's about the future.
  • 00:42:46.030 --> 00:42:47.080
  • And it's about, "You're a good boy, a good girl,
  • 00:42:47.090 --> 00:42:49.220
  • and this is the way you want to act.
  • 00:42:49.230 --> 00:42:52.090
  • And I'm gonna help you act that way."
  • 00:42:52.100 --> 00:42:54.050
  • Niyah: We got so much wisdom here.
  • 00:42:55.160 --> 00:42:56.270
  • And thank you, John and Helen for being with us and sharing
  • 00:42:56.280 --> 00:42:59.190
  • all your godly wisdom.
  • 00:42:59.200 --> 00:43:00.290
  • I love this.
  • 00:43:01.000 --> 00:43:02.050
  • Now, right after the break, John and Helen outline their
  • 00:43:02.060 --> 00:43:03.250
  • final messages on the topic of online dating.
  • 00:43:03.260 --> 00:43:06.280
  • You don't wanna go anywhere.
  • 00:43:06.290 --> 00:43:07.240
  • Stay with us.
  • 00:43:07.250 --> 00:43:09.260
  • [music]
  • 00:43:10.180 --> 00:43:14.270
  • Niyah: Welcome back to the show, where we cover
  • 00:43:20.060 --> 00:43:22.060
  • everything surrounding sex, love, and relationships.
  • 00:43:22.070 --> 00:43:25.130
  • Now, I know we've talked a lot about love.
  • 00:43:25.140 --> 00:43:27.250
  • And I know we've talked a lot about relationships.
  • 00:43:27.260 --> 00:43:30.000
  • But not too much about sex.
  • 00:43:30.010 --> 00:43:31.220
  • So you just stay tuned because we're gonna go there.
  • 00:43:31.230 --> 00:43:35.040
  • But before we do, we couldn't resist asking
  • 00:43:35.050 --> 00:43:37.260
  • our studio audience members if they would reveal their
  • 00:43:37.270 --> 00:43:40.020
  • own insights on sex, love, and relationships
  • 00:43:40.030 --> 00:43:42.210
  • for John and Helen.
  • 00:43:42.220 --> 00:43:44.010
  • Let's take a look.
  • 00:43:44.020 --> 00:43:45.120
  • male: What are your first words in the morning?
  • 00:43:46.020 --> 00:43:47.180
  • male: Hello.
  • 00:43:47.190 --> 00:43:48.260
  • male: Why do you think good people cheat?
  • 00:43:48.270 --> 00:43:50.170
  • male: Boredom.
  • 00:43:50.180 --> 00:43:51.250
  • male: What do you do if you like someone?
  • 00:43:51.260 --> 00:43:54.170
  • male: Give them a kiss.
  • 00:43:54.180 --> 00:43:56.250
  • male: You think sexting's okay?
  • 00:43:56.260 --> 00:43:58.120
  • male: No.
  • 00:43:58.130 --> 00:43:59.120
  • male: What's a symbol of being in love?
  • 00:43:59.130 --> 00:44:03.050
  • male: Providing for someone.
  • 00:44:03.060 --> 00:44:05.000
  • male: Do you think opposites can attract?
  • 00:44:05.010 --> 00:44:06.100
  • male: Yes.
  • 00:44:06.110 --> 00:44:07.180
  • male: Should you text someone right back?
  • 00:44:07.190 --> 00:44:09.190
  • male: If it's important.
  • 00:44:09.200 --> 00:44:10.270
  • male: Do you think flirting is cheating?
  • 00:44:10.280 --> 00:44:12.200
  • male: Yes.
  • 00:44:12.210 --> 00:44:14.020
  • male: If you could ask a woman one question,
  • 00:44:14.030 --> 00:44:15.270
  • what would it be?
  • 00:44:15.280 --> 00:44:17.240
  • male: Does this look good?
  • 00:44:17.250 --> 00:44:20.030
  • male: Is being friends with your ex okay?
  • 00:44:20.040 --> 00:44:21.280
  • male: No.
  • 00:44:21.290 --> 00:44:23.090
  • Niyah: Okay, this is some good stuff.
  • 00:44:24.040 --> 00:44:25.210
  • I'm ready to go there.
  • 00:44:25.220 --> 00:44:26.200
  • I am ready to go there.
  • 00:44:26.210 --> 00:44:28.290
  • Now, he says, the question was, "Why do good people cheat?"
  • 00:44:29.000 --> 00:44:34.090
  • And he said, "Boredom."
  • 00:44:34.100 --> 00:44:35.250
  • Okay, we're gonna go there, okay?
  • 00:44:35.260 --> 00:44:37.270
  • Pastors, boredom, really?
  • 00:44:37.280 --> 00:44:41.270
  • Because you're bored?
  • 00:44:41.280 --> 00:44:43.020
  • John: It's, actually, it's probably a good answer,
  • 00:44:43.030 --> 00:44:45.220
  • but it's really a sad situation that people let them self get
  • 00:44:45.230 --> 00:44:50.160
  • to the place where they feel they're a victim
  • 00:44:50.170 --> 00:44:52.290
  • of their feelings.
  • 00:44:53.000 --> 00:44:54.100
  • "I'm so bored so I deserve to go and do something that
  • 00:44:54.110 --> 00:44:58.050
  • I shouldn't do, go and hurt somebody
  • 00:44:58.060 --> 00:45:00.280
  • that I shouldn't hurt."
  • 00:45:00.290 --> 00:45:02.020
  • Which is really what happens when you're unfaithful.
  • 00:45:02.030 --> 00:45:05.040
  • Helen: You always talk to people about the best way
  • 00:45:05.050 --> 00:45:09.060
  • to stay in love for a lifetime.
  • 00:45:09.070 --> 00:45:10.190
  • Because many people think you can't.
  • 00:45:10.200 --> 00:45:12.100
  • They think, "Oh, sex with 1 person for,
  • 00:45:12.110 --> 00:45:14.180
  • like, 60 years?
  • 00:45:14.190 --> 00:45:15.240
  • Oh my gosh. That is boring."
  • 00:45:15.250 --> 00:45:17.230
  • And yet, God made sex.
  • 00:45:17.240 --> 00:45:19.100
  • God created marriage.
  • 00:45:19.110 --> 00:45:20.190
  • So, obviously, if God created it,
  • 00:45:20.200 --> 00:45:22.270
  • it's spectacular.
  • 00:45:22.280 --> 00:45:24.110
  • And so you always tell people two words: "Stay amazed."
  • 00:45:24.120 --> 00:45:27.020
  • John: Boredom is a choice.
  • 00:45:27.030 --> 00:45:28.070
  • Stay amazed is how you keep your, you know, your
  • 00:45:28.080 --> 00:45:32.070
  • relationship healthy.
  • 00:45:32.080 --> 00:45:33.220
  • But boredom's a choice.
  • 00:45:33.230 --> 00:45:35.290
  • And to make a choice and then to blame your,
  • 00:45:36.000 --> 00:45:41.000
  • you know, your conduct, which is so negative,
  • 00:45:41.010 --> 00:45:43.160
  • on your choice, wow.
  • 00:45:43.170 --> 00:45:45.190
  • Helen: I have to say, thought, one of his comments
  • 00:45:45.200 --> 00:45:47.120
  • in there is very familiar.
  • 00:45:47.130 --> 00:45:49.290
  • John: What was that?
  • 00:45:50.000 --> 00:45:50.240
  • Helen: "What do you say a woman?"
  • 00:45:50.250 --> 00:45:52.060
  • "Does this look okay?" John: "Does this look good?"
  • 00:45:52.070 --> 00:45:54.160
  • I mean, I got a lot of women in my world,
  • 00:45:54.170 --> 00:45:56.110
  • and I have said that so often.
  • 00:45:56.120 --> 00:45:58.200
  • Helen: Yeah, it's like, and then, after he's all dressed,
  • 00:45:58.210 --> 00:46:01.160
  • he looks in the mirror and goes, "Hey."
  • 00:46:01.170 --> 00:46:03.260
  • John: But people sometimes will say to me,
  • 00:46:03.270 --> 00:46:05.140
  • "Oh, you're lookin' cool, Pastor."
  • 00:46:05.150 --> 00:46:06.290
  • It's not my doing at all.
  • 00:46:07.000 --> 00:46:10.020
  • It's the women in my world.
  • 00:46:10.030 --> 00:46:11.110
  • Helen: I got a text from my girls one day.
  • 00:46:11.120 --> 00:46:13.030
  • I was overseas somewhere and John showed up at the office.
  • 00:46:13.040 --> 00:46:16.070
  • And my girls, two of them work at the office,
  • 00:46:16.080 --> 00:46:18.150
  • sent pictures of John independently and said,
  • 00:46:18.160 --> 00:46:20.220
  • "Dad needs help. Look what he wore today."
  • 00:46:20.230 --> 00:46:22.210
  • Honestly, I'm like-- John: It was so bad.
  • 00:46:22.220 --> 00:46:26.080
  • Helen: "What?" It was, I should put it out on
  • 00:46:26.090 --> 00:46:28.000
  • public media to just completely, no, I wouldn't.
  • 00:46:28.010 --> 00:46:30.180
  • Because it's actually quite shocking.
  • 00:46:30.190 --> 00:46:32.120
  • Niyah: Oh dear, oh dear.
  • 00:46:32.130 --> 00:46:33.110
  • John: I need help.
  • 00:46:33.120 --> 00:46:34.150
  • Niyah: Well, we're gonna go into another "oh dear" moment
  • 00:46:34.160 --> 00:46:35.270
  • because we're about to talk about sex.
  • 00:46:35.280 --> 00:46:37.180
  • And we're gonna get some questions.
  • 00:46:37.190 --> 00:46:38.270
  • And you guys have been sending us a bunch of questions.
  • 00:46:38.280 --> 00:46:41.220
  • One of the questions we actually got was, "Why is sex outside
  • 00:46:41.230 --> 00:46:44.150
  • of marriage wrong?" John: That's a really good
  • 00:46:44.160 --> 00:46:46.230
  • question.
  • 00:46:46.240 --> 00:46:47.180
  • And it's so common in our world today.
  • 00:46:47.190 --> 00:46:50.000
  • So many people think that it's natural and normal.
  • 00:46:50.010 --> 00:46:51.210
  • Why?
  • 00:46:51.220 --> 00:46:52.260
  • Because in our culture, we accept it as natural and normal.
  • 00:46:52.270 --> 00:46:56.090
  • But if you went to the Bible and you asked the bottom line,
  • 00:46:56.100 --> 00:47:00.150
  • "God, why is sex out of marriage not normal, not good?"
  • 00:47:00.160 --> 00:47:05.140
  • He would say, "Because it's not the best.
  • 00:47:05.150 --> 00:47:08.000
  • It's not the best."
  • 00:47:08.010 --> 00:47:09.020
  • God has the best for us.
  • 00:47:09.030 --> 00:47:10.280
  • And the best is that we would keep sex, which is, I mean,
  • 00:47:10.290 --> 00:47:15.040
  • it's so much more than what sometimes is thought about
  • 00:47:15.050 --> 00:47:17.280
  • in our world.
  • 00:47:17.290 --> 00:47:19.030
  • Our culture, we think sex to be some physical act, event,
  • 00:47:19.040 --> 00:47:23.190
  • you know, and that's it.
  • 00:47:23.200 --> 00:47:25.230
  • But biblically, it's so much more.
  • 00:47:25.240 --> 00:47:28.130
  • It's more about the meaning behind it than it is the event.
  • 00:47:28.140 --> 00:47:31.210
  • Helen: You know, somebody gave this example
  • 00:47:31.220 --> 00:47:33.140
  • a long time ago, and I wish I could give credit
  • 00:47:33.150 --> 00:47:35.070
  • 'cause I can't even remember who it was 'cause it's,
  • 00:47:35.080 --> 00:47:37.240
  • but he talked about a fireplace and the beauty of a fireplace.
  • 00:47:37.250 --> 00:47:41.090
  • And he talked about fire.
  • 00:47:41.100 --> 00:47:42.260
  • And he talked about if you take fire and you put it in a
  • 00:47:42.270 --> 00:47:45.040
  • fireplace, it is going to create warmth.
  • 00:47:45.050 --> 00:47:48.120
  • It just, there's a beauty around it when it's in your home,
  • 00:47:48.130 --> 00:47:51.010
  • and it warms everything up.
  • 00:47:51.020 --> 00:47:52.150
  • But you take that same fire, and sex is like a fire,
  • 00:47:52.160 --> 00:47:55.230
  • and you put it in your closet, it's destructive.
  • 00:47:55.240 --> 00:47:58.150
  • When we use it in the context of where it belongs, every,
  • 00:47:58.160 --> 00:48:02.020
  • it brings warmth.
  • 00:48:02.030 --> 00:48:03.020
  • It brings a sense of wholeness and strength.
  • 00:48:03.030 --> 00:48:05.270
  • And it's fantastic.
  • 00:48:05.280 --> 00:48:07.110
  • John: I think if you look at the world today, you can see
  • 00:48:07.120 --> 00:48:10.050
  • that sex is so important.
  • 00:48:10.060 --> 00:48:11.240
  • I mean, sex sells.
  • 00:48:11.250 --> 00:48:13.180
  • That's what they say.
  • 00:48:13.190 --> 00:48:14.160
  • Everything has a sexual background.
  • 00:48:14.170 --> 00:48:16.170
  • It shows you how powerful it is.
  • 00:48:16.180 --> 00:48:19.070
  • And what we need to recognize is God has created
  • 00:48:19.080 --> 00:48:22.150
  • an institution that actually is strong enough to control,
  • 00:48:22.160 --> 00:48:25.260
  • to contain that most powerful element called "sex."
  • 00:48:25.270 --> 00:48:29.230
  • Niyah: What would you say to someone who might be
  • 00:48:29.240 --> 00:48:31.140
  • in a relationship right now that they're Christians and they're
  • 00:48:31.150 --> 00:48:34.290
  • kinda, you know, doing it maybe the wrong way
  • 00:48:35.000 --> 00:48:37.010
  • and actually having sex, but they wanna stop,
  • 00:48:37.020 --> 00:48:39.090
  • but they're struggling?
  • 00:48:39.100 --> 00:48:40.110
  • What would you say to them to--?
  • 00:48:40.120 --> 00:48:42.020
  • Helen: Well, I would say you need to, it's gonna be really
  • 00:48:42.030 --> 00:48:44.140
  • difficult to stop if you keep putting yourself in places
  • 00:48:44.150 --> 00:48:47.280
  • where, you know, sex is a very, it's a, there is an instinctual
  • 00:48:47.290 --> 00:48:52.190
  • part about it.
  • 00:48:52.200 --> 00:48:53.290
  • But if you create an environment,
  • 00:48:54.000 --> 00:48:55.240
  • if you're watching a romantic movie,
  • 00:48:55.250 --> 00:48:58.160
  • you're in his bedroom and laying down in bed
  • 00:48:58.170 --> 00:49:02.040
  • watching this movie, don't be shocked if suddenly you
  • 00:49:02.050 --> 00:49:04.260
  • find yourself doing stuff that's inappropriate.
  • 00:49:04.270 --> 00:49:06.210
  • You're setting yourself up for a fail.
  • 00:49:06.220 --> 00:49:09.060
  • So I think you have to have healthy boundaries and say,
  • 00:49:09.070 --> 00:49:11.240
  • "There's places we can't go.
  • 00:49:11.250 --> 00:49:13.260
  • This is not the best for us.
  • 00:49:13.270 --> 00:49:15.110
  • We want to go the distance and honor each other's sexuality
  • 00:49:15.120 --> 00:49:20.010
  • and keep the marriage bed holy and keep that for our future."
  • 00:49:20.020 --> 00:49:23.280
  • I would say stop it and realize, what are you doing to set
  • 00:49:23.290 --> 00:49:26.270
  • yourself up to constantly fail in this area?
  • 00:49:26.280 --> 00:49:29.230
  • And bring it back.
  • 00:49:29.240 --> 00:49:30.280
  • 'Cause everybody can do it.
  • 00:49:30.290 --> 00:49:32.080
  • It's not too hard.
  • 00:49:32.090 --> 00:49:33.120
  • It really bothers me actually that when people say,
  • 00:49:33.130 --> 00:49:36.180
  • "Well, you know, it's not normal not to have sex."
  • 00:49:36.190 --> 00:49:40.180
  • As if we're just creatures of habit and we just do whatever.
  • 00:49:40.190 --> 00:49:43.060
  • John: Right, we're just animals.
  • 00:49:43.070 --> 00:49:44.180
  • Helen: You know, there's proper ways to conduct
  • 00:49:44.190 --> 00:49:47.030
  • ourselves.
  • 00:49:47.040 --> 00:49:48.090
  • And so you have to set yourself up for a win, not a fail.
  • 00:49:48.100 --> 00:49:51.130
  • Niyah: Wow, so good. So good.
  • 00:49:51.140 --> 00:49:53.070
  • Pastor John, talk to us about today.
  • 00:49:53.080 --> 00:49:55.050
  • We talked about online datin', online dating today.
  • 00:49:55.060 --> 00:49:58.060
  • Wrap up today's episode for us.
  • 00:49:58.070 --> 00:49:59.250
  • John: I like the way you first said it.
  • 00:49:59.260 --> 00:50:01.000
  • It's kinda, you got that Brooklyn "Datin'," you know?
  • 00:50:01.010 --> 00:50:03.160
  • Helen: Perfect. I wanna talk like Niyah.
  • 00:50:03.170 --> 00:50:05.200
  • John: Yeah, me too.
  • 00:50:05.210 --> 00:50:06.220
  • Niyah: I try to get it under control--
  • 00:50:06.230 --> 00:50:07.240
  • John: Yeah, "I wanna have a cup of coffee.
  • 00:50:07.250 --> 00:50:09.110
  • I want a cup of coffee."
  • 00:50:09.120 --> 00:50:11.110
  • Niyah: Bagel and coffee.
  • 00:50:11.120 --> 00:50:12.080
  • John: C'mon, c'mon.
  • 00:50:12.090 --> 00:50:13.100
  • It's been a great show, talkin' about online dating,
  • 00:50:13.110 --> 00:50:16.030
  • which is such a major part of our culture today.
  • 00:50:16.040 --> 00:50:19.120
  • I think it's 1 in 7, is it?
  • 00:50:19.130 --> 00:50:21.260
  • Helen: I think it's gone higher, that meet online.
  • 00:50:21.270 --> 00:50:24.150
  • John: It's maybe even higher that meet online.
  • 00:50:24.160 --> 00:50:26.000
  • And when it first came out, when we first started getting
  • 00:50:26.010 --> 00:50:29.000
  • questions about that, it was like 15, 20 years ago.
  • 00:50:29.010 --> 00:50:31.070
  • And it was like, "No, no, no."
  • 00:50:31.080 --> 00:50:33.030
  • Why? Why?
  • 00:50:33.040 --> 00:50:34.140
  • Well, because back then you really didn't know who was on
  • 00:50:34.150 --> 00:50:37.160
  • the other end of that, you know, communication online.
  • 00:50:37.170 --> 00:50:41.160
  • But now you do.
  • 00:50:41.170 --> 00:50:42.120
  • Now you've got FaceTime.
  • 00:50:42.130 --> 00:50:44.030
  • You've got all those things.
  • 00:50:44.040 --> 00:50:46.100
  • So now I think it's a different world.
  • 00:50:46.110 --> 00:50:48.130
  • And I think there are some principles, though,
  • 00:50:48.140 --> 00:50:50.140
  • that still have to be applied.
  • 00:50:50.150 --> 00:50:51.260
  • You can't know somebody outside of their environment.
  • 00:50:51.270 --> 00:50:55.040
  • So you actually need to see more than that face and what they
  • 00:50:55.050 --> 00:50:57.220
  • say.
  • 00:50:57.230 --> 00:50:59.000
  • And what you can do is, through online, you can get to know some
  • 00:50:59.010 --> 00:51:01.270
  • of their world around them and actually know
  • 00:51:01.280 --> 00:51:05.280
  • that it is a male that you're talkin' to or a female.
  • 00:51:05.290 --> 00:51:07.290
  • And you know, come and get involved in their life.
  • 00:51:08.000 --> 00:51:11.160
  • But I think you still need to take the steps to go
  • 00:51:11.170 --> 00:51:15.010
  • and to meet this person in their environment so
  • 00:51:15.020 --> 00:51:17.220
  • that you get to know how they treat people around them.
  • 00:51:17.230 --> 00:51:20.170
  • That's how you really get to know who that person is.
  • 00:51:20.180 --> 00:51:23.090
  • But I think it's growing and it's a positive thing.
  • 00:51:23.100 --> 00:51:27.200
  • Niyah: Awesome. Awesome advice.
  • 00:51:27.210 --> 00:51:29.040
  • Awesome wisdom.
  • 00:51:29.050 --> 00:51:30.100
  • Now, of course we know you love all the funny parts of this
  • 00:51:30.110 --> 00:51:32.170
  • show.
  • 00:51:32.180 --> 00:51:33.230
  • But we are also aware that these are real issues that people
  • 00:51:33.240 --> 00:51:35.290
  • deal with.
  • 00:51:36.000 --> 00:51:37.060
  • And if you're concerned about a friend or a family member,
  • 00:51:37.070 --> 00:51:38.290
  • or even yourself, regarding the topic
  • 00:51:39.000 --> 00:51:40.200
  • of online dating, we encourage you to reach out
  • 00:51:40.210 --> 00:51:43.070
  • and to talk to someone.
  • 00:51:43.080 --> 00:51:44.200
  • So now, until next time, be blessed.
  • 00:51:44.210 --> 00:51:47.080
  • Live large.
  • 00:51:47.090 --> 00:51:48.060
  • And go with God.
  • 00:51:48.070 --> 00:51:50.230
  • [music]
  • 00:51:51.090 --> 00:51:56.070
  • CC by Aberdeen Captioning 1-800-688-6621 www.abercap.com
  • 00:51:57.080 --> 00:51:59.160