Conflict | TBN

Conflict

Watch Conflict
November 28, 2017
27:31

Doing Life with Jefferson & Alyssa Bethke

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Conflict

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  • We came, we saw, and we conquered
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  • Felt the world
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  • Beneath our feet
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  • It was hopes, it was dreams
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  • But above everything
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  • It was you
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  • Right here with me
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  • (waves crashing)
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  • - Welcome everyone, this is Doing Life
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  • and we want to chat about today Healthy Conflict.
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  • And I think, I was just thinking earlier too,
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  • I think a lot of times when we hear that word
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  • conflict, or kind of fighting,
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  • we say, "Oh no, we're Christians,
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  • "we love Jesus, we've never heard of that,
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  • "we don't know what that is" or
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  • "We can't have conflict."
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  • - Or "Oh no, we can't tell anyone about it because"
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  • "we are believers." - Exactly.
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  • Exactly, and I think that's a huge misunderstanding
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  • and that's why we're here to chat today
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  • is because I think a lot of times we think
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  • you can't fight or you can't have conflict in a marriage
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  • when in reality, it's not about that,
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  • it' about do you fight well, or do you fight poorly?
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  • And that's, you know, I think of our kind of
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  • mentor friends Les and Leslie Parrott
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  • and that's what they always say, right?
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  • They always say, "Everyone's going to fight
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  • "in a marriage.
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  • "You're going to have disagreements.
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  • "You're gonna have conflict, but how you walk through those,
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  • "that's actually what defines the relationship."
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  • And we even just heard from them earlier, too,
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  • they said "And also, one quick tip too is
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  • "are you tired and are you hungry?"
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  • (laughs) and I remember just even
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  • thinking of that too.
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  • That's usually - Hangry.
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  • - Yeah, yeah (laughs)
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  • that's the thing that usually leads to the most
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  • conflict, but there's also a lot of ways and a lot of things
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  • we can walk through that.
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  • But tell me what you were about to say.
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  • I loved what you told me earlier.
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  • - Yeah, I think, so we all are gonna have conflict
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  • because we're each sinners.
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  • - We each have our own ideas, our own opinions,
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  • and regardless of being a sinner, it's also that
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  • we're just two different people coming together.
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  • So there's gonna be conflict.
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  • And I think most of us, we all
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  • fall under one of two categories.
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  • Either you fight, so when there's conflict
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  • you're gonna be in the long haul,
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  • You are gonna fight it out.
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  • You're gonna just get through this
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  • which is what Jeff is.
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  • - Has a little more of the antlers and kind of pushing
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  • - Yeah, and then there's the fleer,
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  • So you hate conflict, you don't even want to speak the word
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  • and so as soon as there is tension or whatever
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  • you are out, and like, and that's totally me.
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  • I hate conflict, I like things to be just peachy
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  • and if we are in an argument, and I feel like
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  • because you're more of a fighter,
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  • you're gonna go through it, I'll kind of shut down
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  • and just walk away.
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  • And so we really had to work through that,
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  • of how to have healthy conflict,
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  • how to work through things, how to fight well,
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  • and what does that look like?
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  • - Yeah, and I think the picture you just gave me
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  • when you were talking about that too,
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  • which we've talked about before,
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  • is conflict is not a bad thing, it's actually the thing
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  • that usually makes two sinners look more like Jesus.
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  • - [Alyssa] Yeah. - If you do it right.
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  • If you do it right.
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  • The picture I like to give people,
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  • and if you're watching this, this is what
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  • I like to tell people, it's kind of like two pieces
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  • of sandpaper, right?
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  • There's two pieces of sandpaper.
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  • Sandpaper is rough, it's gritty, and all by itself
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  • it actually can kind of hurt things
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  • if you scratch it up against you, it hurts.
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  • It's abrasive, but if two pieces of sandpaper
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  • are rubbing against each other, they have kind of
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  • this natural inclination to actually smooth
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  • each other out.
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  • It's like they kind of, while they're rubbing
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  • up against each other, they take away the sharp edges,
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  • they take away the hurtful parts, the abrasive parts,
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  • and I think that's a really good picture
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  • of what conflict is.
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  • - And you're becoming one instead of just
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  • you, yourself set in your ways,
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  • you're learning how to be one and be unified.
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  • - Exactly, and that's what I think conflict truly is.
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  • Or the healthy way to look at it is
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  • it's two pieces of sandpaper,
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  • your conflict is actually making you smoother
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  • and more and more like each other if you're doing that
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  • in a good way.
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  • - And I think the main thing to remember is that
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  • you know, your marriage is not Plan B.
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  • God put you guys together with your inclinations,
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  • with your weaknesses, your strengths,
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  • with whatever conflict you may have,
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  • and so you're meant to be together.
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  • - Totally, totally, and so we wanted to
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  • toss it to a video real quick.
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  • The two greatest words you could
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  • ever say in any relationship.
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  • Tune in.
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  • (swoosh) What's up guys,
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  • Jess and Alyssa here, first of all,
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  • we did not match on purpose.
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  • We didn't notice that until we were about to
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  • start recording and
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  • - Well, he has a pocket down here.
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  • - That's true, so we're a little not matching.
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  • - Yeah.
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  • - She's plain black, I gotta a pocket square.
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  • Anyways, what we want to talk about today
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  • - Besties.
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  • (laughs)
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  • - What we want to talk about today is the
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  • two greatest words I think you can say
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  • in any relationship and that is "I'm sorry."
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  • Now, Lord knows I've said that way more than she has
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  • in this relationship, which that's how it should be,
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  • "I'm sorry" are two of the greatest words
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  • you can every say, but also there's a way to do that.
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  • And what I mean is, there's a proper way
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  • and a not proper way to apologize and kind of repent
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  • and reconcile in a relationship.
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  • You have to, here's what I'm trying to say,
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  • if your pride is more important than the relationship,
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  • then the relationship probably won't last.
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  • Or won't go well, and what I mean by that
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  • is a lot of times, pride can get in the way
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  • of apologizing or repenting and I know for me
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  • the way that that happens is if both of us are wrong
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  • in a situation, which usually it's always like that.
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  • It's usually not just one person who's totally
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  • 100 percent wrong, usually it's maybe like 80 20,
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  • 90 10.
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  • - 80 20.
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  • - Yeah, yeah, you know 80 20 (laughs)
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  • but if you're the person who's less wrong,
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  • if that makes sense, a lot of times
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  • you can kind of wait with your arms folded
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  • and say, "Well they were wrong more."
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  • or "They said something that was worse." Or whatever
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  • so they need to apologize first.
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  • But, if a relationship is going into it
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  • with someone, both sides agreeing to the fact that
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  • no matter who's wrong the most, or whatever,
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  • even if you're wrong for one percent,
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  • apologize for that one percent.
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  • And I know in our relationship, we've seen that
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  • transform our relationship because if one person
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  • is maybe starting to harden or get a little bitter
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  • in those couple minutes after an argument or something,
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  • if one person is willing to just lay down
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  • and say, "You know, I messed up, I'm sorry."
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  • It kind of almost defuses the whole situation
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  • and then the other person says, "I was an idiot too,
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  • "I'm sorry."
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  • Be okay with your pride being less important
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  • than the relationship because that's usually all it is.
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  • - 'Cause it's about winning the person, not the argument.
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  • - Exactly, and you learn that very quickly
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  • in your relationship that if you're about winning
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  • the argument and you're about your pride,
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  • and you're about getting your facts right,
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  • you shouldn't be in a relationship
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  • 'cause it ain't gonna end well.
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  • One thing I would say is Alyssa also has a lot of
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  • good stuff to say on that because there's also a
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  • right way and a wrong way to say "I'm sorry."
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  • and there's a right way and a wrong way to
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  • receive that as well.
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  • - Yeah, I think in our culture, we're not really
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  • taught how to ask for forgiveness
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  • or how to say sorry, we say, we're taught how to say
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  • sorry but then we don't really know
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  • - Why. - Why or how to go about that.
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  • And I know that when someone asks, like says "Sorry" to me,
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  • it kind of falls flat, there's not much meaning to it.
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  • I'm like, "Well what are you sorry for?
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  • "What are you, like, are you asking for forgiveness?
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  • "Are you not?"
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  • And so, when you do, when you are in the wrong,
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  • and you come and ask for forgiveness,
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  • actually say those words, say "Hey, I'm so sorry
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  • "that I blank blank blank, that I hurt you
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  • "that I said these specific words that you know,
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  • "whatever, will you forgive me?"
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  • And I think there's so much power in those words,
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  • "Will you forgive me?"
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  • And then it makes the other person actually
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  • be forced to say yes, like "I forgive you."
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  • And I think, as a person who is accepting the forgiveness,
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  • to not say "It's okay" but say like, "Yeah, you're right,
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  • "that did really hurt me." Like actually owning it
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  • and being like, saying it for what it was
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  • and be like, "but I forgive you."
  • 00:07:21.070 --> 00:07:22.140
  • And I think there's so much peace and rest then
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  • for the other person to be like,
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  • "Wow, they forgive me."
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  • instead of like, "It's okay and let's just move on."
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  • - Yeah, so Alyssa does both of those really well.
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  • Well, first of all, so basically what we're saying is
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  • be specific.
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  • Don't be general in your apology
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  • because there's something about being specific
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  • that actually is what brings the
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  • healing nature of an apology.
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  • And so say, "I'm sorry for this, for these words."
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  • First of all, it kind of lets you realize
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  • the severity, 'cause if you just kind of
  • 00:07:47.140 --> 00:07:48.280
  • generally say "I'm sorry" it kind of just doesn't
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  • like you said, it falls flat.
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  • So Alyssa sometimes, I'll say "I'm sorry"
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  • and she'll say "for what?"
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  • 'Cause she wants me to, she doesn't say it like that,
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  • but she wants me to
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  • - Sometimes I do.
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  • - She wants me to say it, and I think that's really helpful
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  • because when I explain what I'm sorry for,
  • 00:08:01.140 --> 00:08:03.040
  • then she'll be like, "Well that's actually a
  • 00:08:03.060 --> 00:08:04.130
  • "terrible apology, you know.." or
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  • "Oh, I'm really thankful that that's what you're sorry for."
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  • if that makes sense.
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  • And then secondly, the second thing she said
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  • about also forgiveness, I'm bad at that
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  • where I like to, I think both of us actually are,
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  • our personalities where we're like, we like to
  • 00:08:18.170 --> 00:08:19.250
  • put it under the rug.
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  • So if someone says "I'm sorry" to us
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  • we say, "Oh no, it's okay, don't worry about it"
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  • or whatever when we've really tried to train ourselves
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  • we just don't say that anymore.
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  • Like when someone's saying "I'm sorry" let them finish
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  • let them say it, let them get it all out,
  • 00:08:30.250 --> 00:08:33.120
  • and then don't try to minimize it.
  • 00:08:33.140 --> 00:08:35.070
  • Say, "You know, that did hurt me,
  • 00:08:35.090 --> 00:08:36.190
  • "but I really appreciate that.
  • 00:08:36.210 --> 00:08:38.100
  • "In this moment, we're canceling it,
  • 00:08:38.120 --> 00:08:39.280
  • "it's done, we're moving on, I forgive you."
  • 00:08:40.000 --> 00:08:41.140
  • (upbeat music) - Okay, so I love that video.
  • 00:08:41.160 --> 00:08:43.270
  • The two greatest words, "I'm sorry."
  • 00:08:43.290 --> 00:08:45.250
  • But to go back on what I had said
  • 00:08:45.270 --> 00:08:47.100
  • just a little bit before,
  • 00:08:47.120 --> 00:08:48.260
  • knowing that your relationship isn't Plan B,
  • 00:08:48.280 --> 00:08:51.180
  • that God has given you to each other,
  • 00:08:51.200 --> 00:08:53.130
  • and so whatever conflict you have,
  • 00:08:53.150 --> 00:08:56.050
  • it's really an opportunity for you to become
  • 00:08:56.070 --> 00:08:58.000
  • more like Christ that
  • 00:08:58.020 --> 00:08:59.170
  • your husband - It's not easy,
  • 00:08:59.190 --> 00:09:00.140
  • it might be painful
  • 00:09:00.160 --> 00:09:01.080
  • - It's not easy.
  • 00:09:01.100 --> 00:09:02.180
  • - But you can grow in that moment.
  • 00:09:02.200 --> 00:09:04.040
  • - Totally, and learning how whatever God wants you to learn
  • 00:09:04.060 --> 00:09:06.060
  • and grow on for both parties, and I think that's
  • 00:09:06.080 --> 00:09:07.240
  • the main thing is, in conflict we can always think like
  • 00:09:07.260 --> 00:09:10.110
  • "Well, they're the wrong one, they need to change."
  • 00:09:10.130 --> 00:09:12.110
  • and maybe sometimes they are
  • 00:09:12.130 --> 00:09:13.290
  • (laughs)
  • 00:09:14.010 --> 00:09:15.100
  • but there's always - You tryin' to say
  • 00:09:15.120 --> 00:09:15.280
  • somethin' there?
  • 00:09:16.000 --> 00:09:17.140
  • - But there's always something that we can learn
  • 00:09:17.160 --> 00:09:18.210
  • and grow in and change, and so, yeah
  • 00:09:18.230 --> 00:09:21.070
  • just really seeing that as an opportunity
  • 00:09:21.090 --> 00:09:22.210
  • to become more like Christ, which is one of the
  • 00:09:22.230 --> 00:09:24.060
  • main reasons for marriage.
  • 00:09:24.080 --> 00:09:26.010
  • - Yeah, yeah.
  • 00:09:26.030 --> 00:09:27.120
  • - And then also, I love in the video
  • 00:09:27.140 --> 00:09:28.090
  • we have learned so much about
  • 00:09:28.110 --> 00:09:29.250
  • how to apologize and even now
  • 00:09:29.270 --> 00:09:32.030
  • we're still working on it. - It's an art.
  • 00:09:32.050 --> 00:09:33.120
  • Yeah, we think it's so easy
  • 00:09:33.140 --> 00:09:34.080
  • but it's an actual art.
  • 00:09:34.100 --> 00:09:35.200
  • - And I think there's even a backhanded way
  • 00:09:35.220 --> 00:09:36.270
  • to say I'm sorry, like, ummm.
  • 00:09:36.290 --> 00:09:39.020
  • - What's the way I usually
  • 00:09:39.040 --> 00:09:40.050
  • do it? - I'm sorry you are
  • 00:09:40.070 --> 00:09:41.020
  • so sensitive to that comment.
  • 00:09:41.040 --> 00:09:42.160
  • And you're like, ummm - I'm sorry you're upset.
  • 00:09:42.180 --> 00:09:43.140
  • - Yeah, I'm sorry you're upset.
  • 00:09:43.160 --> 00:09:45.040
  • Well what are you actually sorry for?
  • 00:09:45.060 --> 00:09:46.160
  • 'Cause clearly there's a reason
  • 00:09:46.180 --> 00:09:48.070
  • why I've been upset. - Totally.
  • 00:09:48.090 --> 00:09:49.140
  • - So I love that part in the video.
  • 00:09:49.160 --> 00:09:51.220
  • - Yeah, and I think it reminds me of another thing too
  • 00:09:51.240 --> 00:09:54.000
  • especially to the guys out there, if you're watching
  • 00:09:54.020 --> 00:09:55.230
  • I just want to say one specific thing.
  • 00:09:55.250 --> 00:09:57.090
  • You don't need to defend yourself.
  • 00:09:57.110 --> 00:09:59.070
  • You don't need to defend yourself, I think more,
  • 00:09:59.090 --> 00:10:01.060
  • like you talked about in the beginning,
  • 00:10:01.080 --> 00:10:02.200
  • the fight or flight thing, I think more often than not
  • 00:10:02.220 --> 00:10:04.210
  • guys and girls can both have this tendency,
  • 00:10:04.230 --> 00:10:06.030
  • but I think more often than not, the guys have the
  • 00:10:06.050 --> 00:10:08.230
  • you kind of start puffing up, you kind of start getting
  • 00:10:08.250 --> 00:10:10.040
  • really a kind of righteous anger
  • 00:10:10.060 --> 00:10:12.130
  • and say, "But I" or "But I did this" or you try to
  • 00:10:12.150 --> 00:10:15.090
  • justify yourself and defend yourself and in a marriage,
  • 00:10:15.110 --> 00:10:19.210
  • that's really hurtful, and it usually can kind of
  • 00:10:19.230 --> 00:10:21.190
  • steamroll your spouse and lead to a lot of lack of
  • 00:10:21.210 --> 00:10:25.120
  • intimacy and hurt and pain and grief.
  • 00:10:25.140 --> 00:10:28.010
  • And so you don't need to defend yourself.
  • 00:10:28.030 --> 00:10:29.190
  • And on top of that, that's the humility of Jesus
  • 00:10:29.210 --> 00:10:32.200
  • if we're walking in his footsteps.
  • 00:10:32.220 --> 00:10:34.080
  • - And I think, too, what I've, a big thing I've
  • 00:10:34.100 --> 00:10:36.110
  • learned from you, you don't have to defend yourself
  • 00:10:36.130 --> 00:10:37.280
  • because Jesus defends you. - Exactly.
  • 00:10:38.000 --> 00:10:39.200
  • - So if you're right, then God will bring that about
  • 00:10:39.220 --> 00:10:41.200
  • and if you aren't right, then he'll change your heart.
  • 00:10:41.220 --> 00:10:44.080
  • - Exactly, you totally just said exactly what
  • 00:10:44.100 --> 00:10:45.220
  • I was gonna say and you said it better, so it's okay.
  • 00:10:45.240 --> 00:10:46.270
  • - Okay. (laughs)
  • 00:10:46.290 --> 00:10:48.150
  • - But just to elaborate the point, and I want to make sure
  • 00:10:48.170 --> 00:10:49.280
  • I do mention it, who actually had the right to
  • 00:10:50.000 --> 00:10:52.150
  • defend himself, out of all human history, who actually had
  • 00:10:52.170 --> 00:10:56.010
  • the justification to defend himself?
  • 00:10:56.030 --> 00:10:57.200
  • Meaning they had kind of the ammo in their
  • 00:10:57.220 --> 00:10:59.040
  • metaphorical gun to defend themselves, Jesus did.
  • 00:10:59.060 --> 00:11:02.060
  • He was perfect and He was righteous and He was blameless
  • 00:11:02.080 --> 00:11:05.050
  • and He was sinless but yet, even in that,
  • 00:11:05.070 --> 00:11:08.200
  • when conflict happened, right, when He was on the
  • 00:11:08.220 --> 00:11:10.160
  • road to the cross, He didn't defend Himself.
  • 00:11:10.180 --> 00:11:12.250
  • The one guy who could, didn't.
  • 00:11:12.270 --> 00:11:14.250
  • And so I think that's a lesson to both
  • 00:11:14.270 --> 00:11:16.090
  • husbands and wives but I want to talk specifically to
  • 00:11:16.110 --> 00:11:18.020
  • - Whether you're a flee-er or a fighter
  • 00:11:18.040 --> 00:11:19.270
  • - Exactly, don't defend yourself and I think it was
  • 00:11:19.290 --> 00:11:21.180
  • A. W. Tozer who said it best and he said, "And think about
  • 00:11:21.200 --> 00:11:25.020
  • "it logically" right, he said, "If you're right,
  • 00:11:25.040 --> 00:11:28.180
  • "like if you know in your heart and before the Lord
  • 00:11:28.200 --> 00:11:30.090
  • "that you're right and you can stand in that,
  • 00:11:30.110 --> 00:11:32.260
  • "then you don't need to defend yourself because the
  • 00:11:32.280 --> 00:11:34.160
  • "Lord knows, the Lord knows."
  • 00:11:34.180 --> 00:11:36.010
  • And so you don't need to defend yourself,
  • 00:11:36.030 --> 00:11:37.150
  • the most important person knows you are right and that's
  • 00:11:37.170 --> 00:11:40.150
  • the Lord and if you're wrong, well then you need to have
  • 00:11:40.170 --> 00:11:42.160
  • the humility to say the two greatest words
  • 00:11:42.180 --> 00:11:44.290
  • - I'm sorry.
  • 00:11:45.010 --> 00:11:45.270
  • - And that is "I'm sorry".
  • 00:11:45.290 --> 00:11:47.130
  • So at the end of the day, whether you're right or wrong,
  • 00:11:47.150 --> 00:11:48.280
  • there is no space per say (upbeat music)
  • 00:11:49.000 --> 00:11:51.210
  • for defending yourself and that actually saves you from
  • 00:11:51.230 --> 00:11:55.080
  • a lot of conflict, saves you from a lot of tension,
  • 00:11:55.100 --> 00:11:57.100
  • and saves you from a lot of hurt.
  • 00:11:57.120 --> 00:12:00.250
  • (upbeat music)
  • 00:12:00.270 --> 00:12:02.130
  • We are so excited for our new book, Love That Lasts,
  • 00:12:02.150 --> 00:12:03.270
  • because it's a book with our story, about our story,
  • 00:12:03.290 --> 00:12:06.130
  • primarily on why God's heart and vision for
  • 00:12:06.150 --> 00:12:09.270
  • sexuality, marriage, and love is better than ours.
  • 00:12:09.290 --> 00:12:13.010
  • - [Alyssa] And yes, we go through our childhood,
  • 00:12:13.030 --> 00:12:15.050
  • our dating, our engagement, telling our story,
  • 00:12:15.070 --> 00:12:17.280
  • and what God did through us, and I think coming from
  • 00:12:18.000 --> 00:12:20.010
  • two totally different backgrounds, maybe more of a
  • 00:12:20.030 --> 00:12:21.240
  • prodigal side and more of the purity culture,
  • 00:12:21.260 --> 00:12:24.030
  • so we're super excited about it.
  • 00:12:24.050 --> 00:12:25.190
  • - [Narrator] Call or click now to share a gift
  • 00:12:25.210 --> 00:12:27.110
  • or request yours and start building a love that lasts.
  • 00:12:27.130 --> 00:12:31.030
  • (waves crashing) (upbeat music)
  • 00:12:31.050 --> 00:12:35.090
  • - [Jeff] Now one of the biggest things with conflict is
  • 00:12:36.240 --> 00:12:38.070
  • how do we actually resolve issues, we can talk about it
  • 00:12:38.090 --> 00:12:41.080
  • in the big picture, we can talk about it from the
  • 00:12:41.100 --> 00:12:43.080
  • 30.000 foot level, but when you get down on the ground,
  • 00:12:43.100 --> 00:12:45.210
  • boots on the ground, how do you actually resolve issues
  • 00:12:45.230 --> 00:12:48.020
  • and again, that's an art as well.
  • 00:12:48.040 --> 00:12:49.190
  • I think you, and this is a big tip to everyone,
  • 00:12:49.210 --> 00:12:51.280
  • it's different for every marriage because in some way
  • 00:12:52.000 --> 00:12:54.120
  • - And different seasons.
  • 00:12:54.140 --> 00:12:55.280
  • - Exactly, some way you might want to resolve an issue
  • 00:12:56.000 --> 00:12:57.220
  • that you heard from a tip from some other guy
  • 00:12:57.240 --> 00:12:59.150
  • might make your spouse blow up (laughs) or might make
  • 00:12:59.170 --> 00:13:01.240
  • them really hurt, or whatever.
  • 00:13:01.260 --> 00:13:03.100
  • So you have to be really sensitive to each other's needs
  • 00:13:03.120 --> 00:13:05.140
  • in the marriage, but yeah, resolving issues is a big deal.
  • 00:13:05.160 --> 00:13:08.110
  • One quick thing I thought of that I just want to make sure
  • 00:13:08.130 --> 00:13:10.200
  • is out there that I think all across the board,
  • 00:13:10.220 --> 00:13:12.210
  • everyone needs to be attentive to, that's listening.
  • 00:13:12.230 --> 00:13:16.220
  • You know, I think a lot of times what we do is,
  • 00:13:16.240 --> 00:13:18.200
  • when you're having a conflict or having an argument,
  • 00:13:18.220 --> 00:13:20.270
  • and I know I do this with you, I'm already thinking of
  • 00:13:20.290 --> 00:13:23.170
  • how I'm gonna respond to you and I'm already,
  • 00:13:23.190 --> 00:13:25.100
  • and sometimes if we're really frustrated, I'm kind of
  • 00:13:25.120 --> 00:13:26.250
  • thinking of my points to argue back rather than
  • 00:13:26.270 --> 00:13:29.070
  • intensely and intentionally listening to what you're
  • 00:13:29.090 --> 00:13:32.220
  • actually saying, it's almost like
  • 00:13:32.240 --> 00:13:34.100
  • - And not just listening to be like, "Okay, what part of
  • 00:13:34.120 --> 00:13:36.130
  • "their argument is faulty." - Exactly.
  • 00:13:36.150 --> 00:13:37.290
  • - Like, let me hear their heart behind what they're saying.
  • 00:13:38.010 --> 00:13:40.180
  • - Yeah, and actually absorbing it, and so that's a tip
  • 00:13:40.200 --> 00:13:43.040
  • I want to give to everyone out there, is, when you're
  • 00:13:43.060 --> 00:13:45.000
  • in a conflict, the best way to solve a conflict,
  • 00:13:45.020 --> 00:13:48.220
  • it's coming from someone's hurt.
  • 00:13:48.240 --> 00:13:50.210
  • Almost every conflict is they feel hurt or
  • 00:13:50.230 --> 00:13:53.070
  • misunderstood or misjudged in a particular way.
  • 00:13:53.090 --> 00:13:57.020
  • And I think when you really absorb that, when you
  • 00:13:57.040 --> 00:13:59.060
  • really take that in, that's really beautiful and amazing.
  • 00:13:59.080 --> 00:14:01.190
  • But I love what you have to say, kind of about
  • 00:14:01.210 --> 00:14:03.070
  • what happens then if like you do get to those points
  • 00:14:03.090 --> 00:14:05.070
  • and you can't solve it, maybe tell me about that.
  • 00:14:05.090 --> 00:14:06.280
  • - Right, well before I say that, I was thinking too,
  • 00:14:07.000 --> 00:14:09.240
  • I think a lot of the conflict that comes within marriage,
  • 00:14:09.260 --> 00:14:12.240
  • at least, is all of the small things, so it's
  • 00:14:12.260 --> 00:14:15.230
  • oh, he left his boxers on the bathroom floor again,
  • 00:14:15.250 --> 00:14:18.120
  • oh, he never puts down the toilet seat, which Jeff is
  • 00:14:18.140 --> 00:14:21.030
  • totally great about
  • 00:14:21.050 --> 00:14:22.150
  • both those things. - Both those things. (laughs)
  • 00:14:22.170 --> 00:14:24.000
  • - But those are kind of the little things, so learning
  • 00:14:24.020 --> 00:14:25.080
  • how to work through that little conflict
  • 00:14:25.100 --> 00:14:27.040
  • - Kind of prepares you.
  • 00:14:27.060 --> 00:14:28.220
  • - Yeah, and having a heart like, wow I'm so thankful
  • 00:14:28.240 --> 00:14:30.050
  • that I have a husband, instead of like
  • 00:14:30.070 --> 00:14:33.010
  • oh, he's not doing this. - [Jeff] Totally.
  • 00:14:33.030 --> 00:14:34.160
  • - But then also when you are in an argument,
  • 00:14:34.180 --> 00:14:36.110
  • and you are, you're butting heads and nobody,
  • 00:14:36.130 --> 00:14:39.040
  • you're not getting anywhere, you're just continuing to
  • 00:14:39.060 --> 00:14:40.200
  • repeat the same
  • 00:14:40.220 --> 00:14:42.000
  • - Yeah, if you keep having the same fight
  • 00:14:42.020 --> 00:14:43.030
  • over and over again.
  • 00:14:43.050 --> 00:14:44.100
  • - Then what we love to do in our marriage is to
  • 00:14:44.120 --> 00:14:46.080
  • take a little time out, just say, you know what,
  • 00:14:46.100 --> 00:14:47.250
  • we need ten minutes, I need to go to another room,
  • 00:14:47.270 --> 00:14:50.000
  • you can stay in the living room, we can just think about
  • 00:14:50.020 --> 00:14:51.270
  • what we're gonna say, it just gives us time
  • 00:14:51.290 --> 00:14:53.210
  • and I feel like when we have that time, the Holy Spirit
  • 00:14:53.230 --> 00:14:55.160
  • speaks to us and is like, Okay we need to apologize,
  • 00:14:55.180 --> 00:14:58.060
  • "I'm really sorry I said it this way" and that's been
  • 00:14:58.080 --> 00:14:59.280
  • super helpful for us.
  • 00:15:00.020 --> 00:15:01.170
  • - Yeah, and I think that's really what it's about.
  • 00:15:01.190 --> 00:15:03.100
  • I think it's really about space and time to cool down,
  • 00:15:03.120 --> 00:15:06.150
  • cool off, so you can have a productive conversation
  • 00:15:06.170 --> 00:15:09.030
  • like we mentioned earlier and joked about, if you're
  • 00:15:09.050 --> 00:15:10.290
  • tired or hungry, take a nap and eat something (laughs)
  • 00:15:11.010 --> 00:15:13.020
  • then pick up the conversation. (laughs)
  • 00:15:13.040 --> 00:15:14.190
  • And so we want to toss to a video real quick,
  • 00:15:14.210 --> 00:15:16.140
  • this is by Chip and Joanna Gaines, you probably know them
  • 00:15:16.160 --> 00:15:19.140
  • they are incredible and they have great insight,
  • 00:15:19.160 --> 00:15:21.260
  • not only about conflict but how they also
  • 00:15:21.280 --> 00:15:24.080
  • work well together.
  • 00:15:24.100 --> 00:15:26.130
  • (upbeat music)
  • 00:15:26.150 --> 00:15:27.090
  • (swoosh)
  • 00:15:27.110 --> 00:15:29.170
  • (friendly car horn)
  • 00:15:29.190 --> 00:15:33.080
  • (street noises)
  • 00:15:33.100 --> 00:15:35.290
  • - [Chip] We get a lot of people ask us
  • 00:15:45.090 --> 00:15:46.200
  • how we work so well together, and to be honest,
  • 00:15:46.220 --> 00:15:48.180
  • I think the easiest answer for me is just that we had a
  • 00:15:48.200 --> 00:15:53.060
  • production company call us about eight years ago
  • 00:15:53.080 --> 00:15:56.110
  • and we had never met and I was actually in Nevada
  • 00:15:56.130 --> 00:16:01.130
  • doing some loan shark business loan operations,
  • 00:16:01.150 --> 00:16:05.090
  • and Jo was a dancer - Nooooo.
  • 00:16:06.200 --> 00:16:08.260
  • Don't say that.
  • 00:16:11.070 --> 00:16:12.080
  • - Well, I'm just sayin'.
  • 00:16:12.100 --> 00:16:13.160
  • And they made us fill out these very elaborate
  • 00:16:13.180 --> 00:16:15.150
  • personality tests and so when we filled those out
  • 00:16:15.170 --> 00:16:20.000
  • we accidentally were perfectly compatible, and this guy
  • 00:16:20.020 --> 00:16:23.260
  • turned out to be the same dude that put together
  • 00:16:23.280 --> 00:16:26.270
  • The Backstreet Boys, and also, what's the Boys to
  • 00:16:26.290 --> 00:16:31.070
  • - Boys 2 Men.
  • 00:16:31.090 --> 00:16:32.240
  • - No, not that one, it's like they've got abbreviations.
  • 00:16:32.260 --> 00:16:33.240
  • - N'Sync.
  • 00:16:33.260 --> 00:16:34.190
  • - N'Sync.
  • 00:16:34.210 --> 00:16:35.280
  • And also NWBT, and they put these folks together
  • 00:16:36.000 --> 00:16:40.010
  • and we thought, well hey, if they can match those kind of
  • 00:16:40.030 --> 00:16:42.150
  • bands and those folks turn out to be so successful,
  • 00:16:42.170 --> 00:16:45.280
  • how couldn't that work with a marriage.
  • 00:16:46.000 --> 00:16:47.280
  • So, we are not legally married, but we do, you know,
  • 00:16:48.000 --> 00:16:52.040
  • enjoy each other's company. (laughs)
  • 00:16:52.060 --> 00:16:53.290
  • And then they brought these full grown adults
  • 00:16:54.010 --> 00:16:56.110
  • but that were they looked like - shorter adults
  • 00:16:56.130 --> 00:16:59.180
  • eleven year olds and an eight year old and a seven year old
  • 00:16:59.200 --> 00:17:02.040
  • and five year old and they've each got their own family
  • 00:17:02.060 --> 00:17:04.220
  • and kids back at the house, and so we just have gotten to be
  • 00:17:04.240 --> 00:17:08.230
  • where we've kind of become the
  • 00:17:08.250 --> 00:17:10.050
  • Brady Bunch of reality television.
  • 00:17:10.070 --> 00:17:12.170
  • But the fact that people think we're actually married
  • 00:17:12.190 --> 00:17:15.140
  • and that we've really got these four kids
  • 00:17:15.160 --> 00:17:16.210
  • - Suckers! (laughs)
  • 00:17:16.230 --> 00:17:18.050
  • - is comical, we enjoy it. - Chip, tell them
  • 00:17:18.070 --> 00:17:20.180
  • the truth, Bud.
  • 00:17:20.200 --> 00:17:21.230
  • Why do we like to work together?
  • 00:17:21.250 --> 00:17:23.120
  • - I think it's because I say "Yes Ma'am" and "No Ma'am"
  • 00:17:23.140 --> 00:17:26.100
  • to everything you - part of it
  • 00:17:26.120 --> 00:17:28.060
  • that is part of it.
  • 00:17:28.080 --> 00:17:29.250
  • You know but from the beginning, even when we were dating,
  • 00:17:31.070 --> 00:17:33.010
  • Chip was working on these houses and I kind of
  • 00:17:33.030 --> 00:17:35.190
  • jumped in and started helping him with it
  • 00:17:35.210 --> 00:17:38.090
  • and when we got married, it was just kind of second nature.
  • 00:17:38.110 --> 00:17:40.260
  • I worked with him, he worked with me at Magnolia
  • 00:17:40.280 --> 00:17:44.060
  • and I think it's interesting 'cause I don't know it
  • 00:17:44.080 --> 00:17:47.050
  • any other way.
  • 00:17:47.070 --> 00:17:49.040
  • I do think there are certain personalities where we
  • 00:17:49.060 --> 00:17:51.040
  • would say don't work with your husband, maybe,
  • 00:17:51.060 --> 00:17:53.160
  • I think so it's not - Most people.
  • 00:17:53.180 --> 00:17:55.150
  • Most people that we meet,
  • 00:17:55.170 --> 00:17:56.180
  • we were like listen - Noo.
  • 00:17:56.200 --> 00:17:57.240
  • - You guys are adorable, but do not work together
  • 00:17:57.260 --> 00:17:59.290
  • under any circumstances. (laughs)
  • 00:18:00.030 --> 00:18:02.260
  • - Right, but I think we're so opposite that it can
  • 00:18:02.280 --> 00:18:05.200
  • either go one of two ways.
  • 00:18:05.220 --> 00:18:07.070
  • It could go where we just wring each other's necks
  • 00:18:07.090 --> 00:18:08.260
  • or, but I think it was just opposite enough to where
  • 00:18:08.280 --> 00:18:11.170
  • - Which has happened on occasion, I remember when we were
  • 00:18:11.190 --> 00:18:13.270
  • first newlyweds and we had just bought our first little
  • 00:18:13.290 --> 00:18:16.130
  • flip property, and we were working at this thing
  • 00:18:16.150 --> 00:18:19.060
  • 'til like two o'clock every morning for weeks at at time
  • 00:18:19.080 --> 00:18:22.250
  • and then it got to the end of this, basically sleepless
  • 00:18:22.270 --> 00:18:26.120
  • endeavor that we were on, and Jo and I got into
  • 00:18:26.140 --> 00:18:29.160
  • some argument about the most
  • 00:18:29.180 --> 00:18:31.090
  • - About what you said.
  • 00:18:31.110 --> 00:18:32.190
  • - Yeah, about something completely irrelevant,
  • 00:18:32.210 --> 00:18:35.060
  • and Jo slammed this bottle, or this gallon, excuse me,
  • 00:18:35.080 --> 00:18:39.020
  • of primer down on the floor and the primer bounced back up
  • 00:18:39.040 --> 00:18:42.190
  • and literally hit her in the face as if she had
  • 00:18:42.210 --> 00:18:44.260
  • been egged in the face and this primer is just
  • 00:18:44.280 --> 00:18:47.040
  • falling off of her eyelashes, falling off of her
  • 00:18:47.060 --> 00:18:49.200
  • nose and mouth, and in my family, you know,
  • 00:18:49.220 --> 00:18:52.080
  • we're just average middle class American folks and
  • 00:18:52.100 --> 00:18:55.060
  • we'd get in these knock down, drag out fights,
  • 00:18:55.080 --> 00:18:57.180
  • and something hilarious like this would happen
  • 00:18:57.200 --> 00:18:59.160
  • and we'd all be like, "oh, ho, time out." (laughs)
  • 00:18:59.180 --> 00:19:02.040
  • "You got primer on your face, that's hilarious."
  • 00:19:02.060 --> 00:19:04.160
  • You know, it's kind of God's way of kind of telling us,
  • 00:19:04.180 --> 00:19:06.270
  • "Hey everybody, calm down, you're gonna make it."
  • 00:19:06.290 --> 00:19:08.190
  • Well, in her family, that actually elevates the argument
  • 00:19:08.210 --> 00:19:12.010
  • to like Ninja warfare and she started doing these
  • 00:19:12.030 --> 00:19:14.260
  • roundabout high kicks toward my face and head
  • 00:19:14.280 --> 00:19:18.090
  • and I remember it was almost like a Matrix moment,
  • 00:19:18.110 --> 00:19:21.030
  • where in slow motion, she's wheel housing towards my face
  • 00:19:21.050 --> 00:19:25.080
  • and for no reason, I was doing these complete
  • 00:19:25.100 --> 00:19:27.220
  • (laughs) lateral bends that I didn't even know I
  • 00:19:27.240 --> 00:19:30.040
  • was capable of, but in the same moment, I was like,
  • 00:19:30.060 --> 00:19:32.280
  • "I love this woman and I think this is gonna work.
  • 00:19:33.000 --> 00:19:35.160
  • " I think we're gonna be famous."
  • 00:19:35.180 --> 00:19:37.100
  • - So, that's only happened once.
  • 00:19:37.120 --> 00:19:38.240
  • - And I think we got all of our fighting out
  • 00:19:38.260 --> 00:19:41.020
  • in that one night. (guitar music)
  • 00:19:41.040 --> 00:19:42.170
  • - Yeah, I mean, we argue, don't get us wrong here.
  • 00:19:42.190 --> 00:19:44.270
  • But that was, I was mad. - Remember that one time you
  • 00:19:44.290 --> 00:19:46.050
  • pulled a knife on me?
  • 00:19:46.070 --> 00:19:47.230
  • - [Joanna] (laughs) Don't tell people about that time.
  • 00:19:47.250 --> 00:19:48.270
  • - [Chip] Oh.
  • 00:19:48.290 --> 00:19:50.060
  • (upbeat music)
  • 00:19:50.080 --> 00:19:52.070
  • - [Alyssa] You guys, we are so excited for our new book
  • 00:19:52.090 --> 00:19:54.030
  • Love That Lasts, here's a picture of us, (laughs)
  • 00:19:54.050 --> 00:19:56.070
  • see Jeff's straight line up.
  • 00:19:56.090 --> 00:19:57.070
  • - That's right.
  • 00:19:57.090 --> 00:19:58.180
  • - We are so excited, we talk about our stories,
  • 00:19:58.200 --> 00:20:00.010
  • about God's view of marriage and love and sex
  • 00:20:00.030 --> 00:20:01.200
  • and dating, and how it's so much better and bigger than ours
  • 00:20:01.220 --> 00:20:05.100
  • - If you could answer the question why these things
  • 00:20:05.120 --> 00:20:07.180
  • are created and what God's heart for them is, it'll make
  • 00:20:07.200 --> 00:20:10.280
  • your life a lot better.
  • 00:20:11.000 --> 00:20:12.130
  • - [Narrator] Call or click now to share a gift
  • 00:20:12.150 --> 00:20:13.280
  • or request yours and start building a love that lasts.
  • 00:20:14.000 --> 00:20:18.000
  • (upbeat music)
  • 00:20:20.160 --> 00:20:23.020
  • - Okay ladies, this is my favorite part of the show.
  • 00:20:24.200 --> 00:20:26.090
  • Tip of the week, so for you ladies, we still have
  • 00:20:26.110 --> 00:20:28.290
  • conflict often, - I disagree with you.
  • 00:20:29.010 --> 00:20:30.270
  • - and so (laughs) - We never have conflict,
  • 00:20:30.290 --> 00:20:31.270
  • we're perfect.
  • 00:20:31.290 --> 00:20:33.250
  • - We're learning how work through it, we are in the trenches
  • 00:20:33.270 --> 00:20:36.030
  • with everybody else and just the other day we had
  • 00:20:36.050 --> 00:20:38.040
  • an argument actually, we're trying to figure out book tour
  • 00:20:38.060 --> 00:20:41.090
  • and dates and that's like very intense for us and we talk
  • 00:20:41.110 --> 00:20:44.180
  • about it because I get super anxious when I think about
  • 00:20:44.200 --> 00:20:47.090
  • traveling and having our kids and how long we'll be gone
  • 00:20:47.110 --> 00:20:49.260
  • and sleep schedules and all this stuff.
  • 00:20:49.280 --> 00:20:51.170
  • And Jeff is more of a like, "Yeah, let's go and let's just
  • 00:20:51.190 --> 00:20:54.190
  • "travel the world, it will be so great, we can be on
  • 00:20:54.210 --> 00:20:56.080
  • bus with five other men" and all these things.
  • 00:20:56.100 --> 00:20:59.020
  • And so learning how to work through that sometimes
  • 00:20:59.040 --> 00:21:01.100
  • can be really difficult, and we got in a really intense
  • 00:21:01.120 --> 00:21:04.110
  • argument which ended with me hitting him with a pillow.
  • 00:21:04.130 --> 00:21:07.260
  • I mean, this is like serious stuff, it was terrible.
  • 00:21:07.280 --> 00:21:10.140
  • And so we are not prone to it all, we are leaning into the
  • 00:21:10.160 --> 00:21:13.090
  • Holy Spirit of how to work through conflict,
  • 00:21:13.110 --> 00:21:15.080
  • and one of the best resources that we have found
  • 00:21:15.100 --> 00:21:17.140
  • is from our friends Jeremy and Audrey Roloff,
  • 00:21:17.160 --> 00:21:19.190
  • it's called Navigator's Council, it's a journal that you
  • 00:21:19.210 --> 00:21:21.290
  • go through once a week with your husband or wife
  • 00:21:22.010 --> 00:21:26.020
  • and it's like five or six questions and I love it
  • 00:21:26.040 --> 00:21:28.170
  • because it's how to be proactive in your marriage
  • 00:21:28.190 --> 00:21:31.040
  • instead of just being reactive, which I think a lot of times
  • 00:21:31.060 --> 00:21:33.160
  • the conflict is reactive, you're not communicating,
  • 00:21:33.180 --> 00:21:36.120
  • you might be hungry or tired,
  • 00:21:36.140 --> 00:21:38.120
  • or it's been a really hard week
  • 00:21:38.140 --> 00:21:39.270
  • (upbeat music) and so going into the week,
  • 00:21:39.290 --> 00:21:41.170
  • being on the same page, and I love it, the questions are
  • 00:21:41.190 --> 00:21:44.130
  • What was the best thing you did this week?
  • 00:21:44.150 --> 00:21:46.270
  • Like, what thing gave you the most joy?
  • 00:21:46.290 --> 00:21:48.130
  • What was the hardest thing?
  • 00:21:48.150 --> 00:21:50.000
  • Is there anything that has been unsaid or unspoken
  • 00:21:50.020 --> 00:21:52.170
  • that we need to work through?
  • 00:21:52.190 --> 00:21:54.010
  • How can I serve you this week?
  • 00:21:54.030 --> 00:21:55.200
  • And then How can I pray for you?
  • 00:21:55.220 --> 00:21:57.150
  • And I love those five questions because I feel like
  • 00:21:57.170 --> 00:22:01.140
  • whenever Jeff and I do it, we're on the same page,
  • 00:22:01.160 --> 00:22:03.280
  • we're being proactive, it can be super simple,
  • 00:22:04.000 --> 00:22:06.160
  • like five minutes, which sometimes I think the guy
  • 00:22:06.180 --> 00:22:09.030
  • can only handle five minutes, but then if there's
  • 00:22:09.050 --> 00:22:11.030
  • something else to talk about, it can be an hour.
  • 00:22:11.050 --> 00:22:13.100
  • And really working through it, but in a way that
  • 00:22:13.120 --> 00:22:15.010
  • you come to it where you're not being like
  • 00:22:15.030 --> 00:22:17.170
  • already put off, but you're working through it,
  • 00:22:17.190 --> 00:22:20.050
  • and coming with a very gracious heart.
  • 00:22:20.070 --> 00:22:22.200
  • And so I love those five questions, so I encourage
  • 00:22:22.220 --> 00:22:24.290
  • you ladies to maybe take that upon yourself
  • 00:22:25.010 --> 00:22:27.210
  • with your spouse to go to a coffee shop late at night,
  • 00:22:27.230 --> 00:22:30.140
  • just talk about it, and pursue them, and be proactive
  • 00:22:30.160 --> 00:22:33.250
  • in your relationship.
  • 00:22:33.270 --> 00:22:35.140
  • - Yeah, and I think even us doing it in our own life,
  • 00:22:35.160 --> 00:22:37.090
  • we've realized that it's one of those things where
  • 00:22:37.110 --> 00:22:39.050
  • even if it is five minute, it's like magical
  • 00:22:39.070 --> 00:22:40.270
  • where, which is, like we don't fight as much.
  • 00:22:40.290 --> 00:22:42.250
  • We don't have as much conflict and not only just
  • 00:22:42.270 --> 00:22:44.270
  • taking away the negative but it gives so much positive.
  • 00:22:44.290 --> 00:22:46.250
  • - Totally.
  • 00:22:46.270 --> 00:22:48.130
  • - I feel like we pray for each other more that week,
  • 00:22:48.150 --> 00:22:49.260
  • we serve each other more that week, we love each other
  • 00:22:49.280 --> 00:22:51.110
  • more and better that week, so great tip, and then guys
  • 00:22:51.130 --> 00:22:53.230
  • I want to talk to you specifically, and this one's
  • 00:22:53.250 --> 00:22:55.190
  • close to my heart because this is something
  • 00:22:55.210 --> 00:22:57.020
  • I've had to walk through and learn
  • 00:22:57.040 --> 00:22:58.180
  • and that's apologize for the one percent.
  • 00:22:58.200 --> 00:23:01.280
  • And what I mean by that is this is usually the lady
  • 00:23:02.000 --> 00:23:04.100
  • having to do this 'cause we're the guy,
  • 00:23:04.120 --> 00:23:05.230
  • we're usually the ones responsible for the 99 percent,
  • 00:23:05.250 --> 00:23:08.030
  • but what I mean by this, is I think sometimes guys
  • 00:23:08.050 --> 00:23:10.280
  • can get really prideful, I think we can get really
  • 00:23:11.000 --> 00:23:13.130
  • prideful in our apologies or in our repentance,
  • 00:23:13.150 --> 00:23:16.020
  • and we'll instead of apologizing, we'll say,
  • 00:23:16.040 --> 00:23:18.290
  • "You now, well they're mainly the reason
  • 00:23:19.010 --> 00:23:21.030
  • "why we just fought.
  • 00:23:21.050 --> 00:23:22.200
  • "What they did is mainly the bad thing, and maybe I did
  • 00:23:22.220 --> 00:23:24.240
  • "something small, or maybe I was rude back,
  • 00:23:24.260 --> 00:23:26.280
  • "or maybe whatever, but I'm gonna wait til she apologizes
  • 00:23:27.000 --> 00:23:29.150
  • "because they are the main reason we fought."
  • 00:23:29.170 --> 00:23:31.210
  • And I think it's really prideful and arrogant,
  • 00:23:31.230 --> 00:23:33.150
  • so first of all, guys, if you're gonna lead,
  • 00:23:33.170 --> 00:23:36.070
  • and if you're gonna lead the family, you need to
  • 00:23:36.090 --> 00:23:37.280
  • lead the family in repentance, which means you need
  • 00:23:38.000 --> 00:23:39.290
  • to go first, you need to kind of be the one that
  • 00:23:40.010 --> 00:23:42.200
  • shows that example and does that and goes first.
  • 00:23:42.220 --> 00:23:45.210
  • And so that's what I want to encourage you guys with.
  • 00:23:45.230 --> 00:23:48.190
  • Is lead with that, apologize for the one percent.
  • 00:23:48.210 --> 00:23:51.220
  • So what I mean by that is, if you think your spouse was
  • 00:23:51.240 --> 00:23:55.070
  • 99 percent at fault for what happened,
  • 00:23:55.090 --> 00:23:57.280
  • and you were only at fault for one percent,
  • 00:23:58.000 --> 00:23:59.210
  • well guess what, you need to apologize for that
  • 00:23:59.230 --> 00:24:01.040
  • one percent, rather than just kind of
  • 00:24:01.060 --> 00:24:02.210
  • stand back with your arms crossed and say
  • 00:24:02.230 --> 00:24:05.080
  • "I'm just gonna wait until they do."
  • 00:24:05.100 --> 00:24:07.080
  • And again, like I said, most of the time it's actually
  • 00:24:07.100 --> 00:24:09.010
  • flipped 'cause the wife is never 99 percent at fault
  • 00:24:09.030 --> 00:24:11.040
  • but just lead with repentance, lead with that
  • 00:24:11.060 --> 00:24:14.200
  • and I think that will be a huge encouragement
  • 00:24:14.220 --> 00:24:16.270
  • and a huge thing in your relationship.
  • 00:24:16.290 --> 00:24:20.020
  • - And then sometimes in your marriage, there'll be a
  • 00:24:20.040 --> 00:24:22.090
  • conflict that neither one of you can resolve,
  • 00:24:22.110 --> 00:24:24.290
  • that you its like - Yes, yes please say it
  • 00:24:25.010 --> 00:24:26.090
  • - It's like butting up - I know what you are
  • 00:24:26.110 --> 00:24:27.150
  • - against each other - going to say.
  • 00:24:27.170 --> 00:24:29.020
  • - no one is changing, and so I think the main thing
  • 00:24:29.040 --> 00:24:30.160
  • is to have a mentor that you've already chosen
  • 00:24:30.180 --> 00:24:33.110
  • a mentor that is older, that's a couple,
  • 00:24:33.130 --> 00:24:36.160
  • that is for you, for your marriage, they're not gonna
  • 00:24:36.180 --> 00:24:38.220
  • take sides, where you can go to them and say
  • 00:24:38.240 --> 00:24:41.100
  • "Hey, this is a roadblock in our marriage,
  • 00:24:41.120 --> 00:24:43.170
  • "can you give us wisdom and advice and pray with us
  • 00:24:43.190 --> 00:24:45.200
  • "through this thing" and I think that's been huge
  • 00:24:45.220 --> 00:24:48.200
  • in our marriage because we have had some of those
  • 00:24:48.220 --> 00:24:50.190
  • roadblocks and then when we talk to a counselor it's like,
  • 00:24:50.210 --> 00:24:53.140
  • "Oh, okay yeah, that makes total sense"
  • 00:24:53.160 --> 00:24:56.050
  • And like I'm humbled, you're humbled,
  • 00:24:56.070 --> 00:24:57.290
  • and we're working together.
  • 00:24:58.010 --> 00:24:59.200
  • - Like for example, we have this in our life.
  • 00:24:59.220 --> 00:25:01.160
  • We have this in our life and it is someone who is
  • 00:25:01.180 --> 00:25:03.240
  • not in our community.
  • 00:25:03.260 --> 00:25:05.080
  • I think it can be somebody in your community,
  • 00:25:05.100 --> 00:25:06.200
  • but if you're able to find a third party
  • 00:25:06.220 --> 00:25:08.150
  • who is outside of your community, what I mean by that is
  • 00:25:08.170 --> 00:25:10.100
  • we live here on Maui, we have friends, we have mentors here,
  • 00:25:10.120 --> 00:25:13.020
  • we have peers here, but there's a couple that we're
  • 00:25:13.040 --> 00:25:15.230
  • close with that lives in Cincinnati Ohio and we love them
  • 00:25:15.250 --> 00:25:18.080
  • we're close with them, we skype with them,
  • 00:25:18.100 --> 00:25:19.230
  • we facetime with them, we visit them a couple times a year
  • 00:25:19.250 --> 00:25:22.020
  • and stuff of that nature and because they're outside
  • 00:25:22.040 --> 00:25:25.050
  • of our situation, that also prevents kind of
  • 00:25:25.070 --> 00:25:27.120
  • community gossip or us to kind of paint maybe
  • 00:25:27.140 --> 00:25:30.030
  • a particular picture of someone else in the community
  • 00:25:30.050 --> 00:25:32.090
  • that is bad for them, it's kind of like an external audit,
  • 00:25:32.110 --> 00:25:35.160
  • if that makes sense, you know like when you have a
  • 00:25:35.180 --> 00:25:36.280
  • company and something's going wrong, and someone
  • 00:25:37.000 --> 00:25:38.200
  • outside comes in to kind of look at the books and all that,
  • 00:25:38.220 --> 00:25:41.130
  • that's what I think we do, and we've seen that having that
  • 00:25:41.150 --> 00:25:44.030
  • external help is really really pivotal and really
  • 00:25:44.050 --> 00:25:47.110
  • really awesome, and so that's what we wanted to
  • 00:25:47.130 --> 00:25:49.180
  • close with you guys, and I think, I just want to close
  • 00:25:49.200 --> 00:25:51.240
  • with a challenge, and that challenge is
  • 00:25:51.260 --> 00:25:53.260
  • you probably have something you can say sorry for.
  • 00:25:53.280 --> 00:25:57.080
  • You probably have something that maybe has gone
  • 00:25:57.100 --> 00:26:01.020
  • unsaid during the week.
  • 00:26:01.040 --> 00:26:02.190
  • You probably maybe have done something that you could have
  • 00:26:02.210 --> 00:26:05.290
  • apologized better for lately,
  • 00:26:06.010 --> 00:26:07.240
  • and what I mean by this is there's probably something
  • 00:26:07.260 --> 00:26:09.110
  • coming up in your mind right now, small?
  • 00:26:09.130 --> 00:26:11.080
  • - I'm sure the Holy Spirit put something on your heart
  • 00:26:11.100 --> 00:26:13.050
  • and to be responsive to Him and to listen when He speaks.
  • 00:26:13.070 --> 00:26:16.050
  • - Totally, it can be small, it can be big,
  • 00:26:16.070 --> 00:26:18.210
  • but I'm sure right now, in this moment, you are
  • 00:26:18.230 --> 00:26:21.030
  • thinking of something, a way that you can grow,
  • 00:26:21.050 --> 00:26:23.140
  • in how you repent, how you apologize, and there's something
  • 00:26:23.160 --> 00:26:27.040
  • about those words, they're special, when you say that
  • 00:26:27.060 --> 00:26:30.120
  • in a truly humble and (soothing music)
  • 00:26:30.140 --> 00:26:32.010
  • contrite way, it breaks down those barriers
  • 00:26:32.030 --> 00:26:34.010
  • and it creates intimacy - Brings you together
  • 00:26:34.030 --> 00:26:37.210
  • and I think that's the whole point is
  • 00:26:37.230 --> 00:26:39.060
  • you don't want to win the argument, you want to
  • 00:26:39.080 --> 00:26:39.280
  • win your spouse.
  • 00:26:40.000 --> 00:26:41.120
  • - Exactly, and so that's our challenge for you guys,
  • 00:26:41.140 --> 00:26:42.230
  • don't win the argument, win the spouse,
  • 00:26:42.250 --> 00:26:44.210
  • and that's how you have an awesome awesome marriage.
  • 00:26:44.230 --> 00:26:47.080
  • So, we love you guys, feel free to say hi to us
  • 00:26:47.100 --> 00:26:49.090
  • on social media, instagram, Facebook, twitter,
  • 00:26:49.110 --> 00:26:51.210
  • just search us Jefferson Bethke or Alyssa Bethke
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  • and we will pop up and we'd love to hear from you guys.
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  • - [Alyssa] Guys, coming up next week,
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  • we will be talking about faith, which is such an
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  • important topic.
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  • We are so excited, especially as believers,
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  • how do you have the same beliefs, the same values
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  • and then the little things like how do you do
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  • bible studies together, how do you talk about the
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  • Lord together?
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  • Especially for women, I know a lot of relationships,
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  • maybe they're more the spiritual leader than the men,
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  • so we're gonna be talking about all that.
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  • We're so excited.
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  • - [Jeff] Yeah, nothing is more important than a strong faith
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  • in a marriage, so stay tuned for next week to see why.
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